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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 and held off Ryan Blaney in the closing laps to win at Phoenix and claim his third Cup championship.

    “I’m already excited for next season,” Logano said. “If I win the Cup championship next year, I’ll likely be known as the ‘four-time, four-eyed champion.’”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 but came up just short in his quest for his second Cup championship, finishing second to Joey Logano.

    “I was attempting to be the first back-to-back Cup champion since Jimmie Johnson in 2010,” Blaney said. “I don’t mind at all being mentioned in the same breath with Jimmie, as long as it’s the 2010 Jimmie and not the current Jimmie.”

    3. William Byron: Byron finished third at Phoenix as Joey Logano won the race and the Cup championship.

    “Congratulations to Joey,” Byron said. “That’s three Cup championships in the last seven years. I feel like me and all the other drivers should sue him for monopolizing championships.”

    4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished sixth at Phoenix, coming up short in his attempt to win his first NASCAR championship.

    “Winning the championship would have been a great way to stick it to NASCAR,” Reddick said. “Especially after they revoked our charter after we sued them. But now I guess we’ll see how courts rule. I doubt we’ll win, especially because we’ll be facing a handpicked judge known as the Honorable Richard Petty.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Phoenix.

    “It’s really been a trying year for me,” Hamlin said. “If I’ve learned one thing, it’s don’t sue NASCAR. That’s because NASCAR is omnipotent, which is probably because someone who runs NASCAR is impotent.”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell came home fifth at Phoenix.

    “I think it was cool that everyone was able to say their goodbyes to Martin Truex, Jr.,” Bell said. “I apologize if I made that sound like Martin is dying; he’s not. Martin’s not going to be on death’s bed; he’s going to be on home’s couch.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th at Phoenix.

    “The pace car hit the barriers trying to enter pit road at the start of Stage 2,” Bowman said. “That caused a red flag. I don’t know who was driving that pace car, but I bet he handed Juan Pablo Montoya a beer and told him to hold it right before that accident.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Phoenix as three Hendrick Motorsports cars finished in the top 8.

    “It’s been a long season,” Larson said. “And I plan on having a quiet off-season. Which means I plan to do a lot of SIM racing and hope I can be quiet.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished eight at Phoenix, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

    “Noah Gragson’s No. 10 car has ‘Nitro Circus’ sponsorship,’” Elliott said. “I’m not really sure what that ‘Nitro Circus’ is referring to, but back at the Dawsonville Pool Room, ‘Nitro Circus’ is what happens when someone gets hold of some dental anesthesia and shares it with everyone at the bar.”

    10. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Phoenix and finished 17th.

    “It’s gonna be tough to walk away from this sport,” Truex said. “That’s why I’m not walking; I’m driving.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney blasted by Chase Elliott on Lap 486 and pulled away to win the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville, clinching a spot in the Championship 4.

    “This is exactly how I did it last year to make it through to the final at Phoenix,” Blaney said. “Pardon my French, but I guess this was a case of ‘Deja Through.’”

    2. William Byron: Byron finished sixth and grabbed the final Championship 4 spot based on points.

    “With the Liberty University logo on my car,” Byron said, “I really wanted to advance in the Playoffs not just for my team and my fans, but for Jerry Falwell, Jr. as well. Because when I’m doing my thing, I really like to know that people are watching.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started second and won Stage 1, but couldn’t hold off Ryan Blaney down the stretch and finished second. Elliott failed to advance to the Championship 4.

    “Blaney just had too much car,” Elliott said. “He also has too much beard. I think what I’m saying is Ryan the driver, not Ryan’s car, needs some ‘race trim.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started 12th and finished 10th in the Xfinity 500.

    “And then there were four,” Logano said. “After Phoenix, there will be one. And that’s simple enough math that even NASCAR fans can understand.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Martinsville and failed to advance to the final at Phoenix.

    “I had a big crash in practice when my throttle stuck,” Hamlin said. “I backed myself into a huge hole. Only I wasn’t going backward, I was going forward, really fast, and actually saw the hole, but I couldn’t stop, because my throttle was stuck.”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell spun early at Martinsville and put himself in an early hole. But a daring last-lap kamikaze dash temporarily put him in position to advance to the championship round. But NASCAR deemed his maneuver a safety violation and penalized Bell four positions, which gave William Byron the final spot in the Championship 4.

    “NASCAR said I was ‘riding the wall,’” Bell said. “Now I’m going to be ‘riding the pine‘ while I watch four other drivers vie for the Cup.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman overcame a late power steering issue to finish 13th in the Xfinity 500.

    “It was a wild finish,” Bowman said. “And it’s too bad Christopher Bell was penalized for ‘Chastaining.’ I thought it would have been pretty cool and pretty mind-blowing if Bell would have smashed a watermelon in anger after learning of the penalty.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson, like Chase Elliott, was unable to hold off Ryan Blaney at the end at Martinsville. Larson finished third, but it wasn’t good enough to advance.

    “I’d like to congratulate my Hendrick teammate William Byron on advancing to the Championship 4,” Byron said. “He did it all by himself, with not a lick of luck, without a hint of a favorable NASCAR ruling, and without any help from other Chevy drivers running interference for him.”

    9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 34th at Martinsville.

    “Having already qualified for the Championship 4,” Reddick said, “I had nothing to gain by winning at Martinsville, except a bulky grandfather clock that probably doesn’t even tell time.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and finished a disappointing 24th at Martinsville, two laps down.

    “I’ve had success in many NASCAR series,” Truex said. “And speaking of ‘series,’ 2024 has been a series of disappointments.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Tyler Reddick: Reddick passed Denny Hamlin and Ryan Blaney on the final lap to win the Straight Talk Wireless 400 at Homestead. Reddick joined Joey Logano as drivers who qualified for the championship round.

    “Denny is one of my car owners along with the great Michael Jordan,” Reddick said. “It’s pretty surreal because passing Denny on the final lap is like dunking on Michael Jordan. Of course, I would never dunk on Michael, because I can’t dunk, because I’m white and 5’4.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano finished 28th at Homestead.

    “I’ve already clinched a spot in the final,” Logano said, “so I didn’t have to deal with the nerves. If you want to tie your stomach in a knot, be a driver in the Round Of 8 with three races left. Or eat some Hunt Brothers Pizza.”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell started third and finished fourth at Homestead.

    “I haven’t locked in a spot to the championship round,” Bell said, “but I’m in the best position points-wise. I don’t have any children, but I hope to be making a ‘berth’ announcement at Martinsville.”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 47 laps and held the lead on the final lap, but Tyler Reddick made a dramatic pass in Turn 4 to steal the win. Blaney settled for second.

    “I’m still very confident I can defend my championship,” Blaney said. “It just might take me until next year.”

    5. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Homestead.

    “It’s going to be wild at Martinsville,” Byron said. “It’s too bad NASCAR outlawed the wall-hugging Hail Mary move that Ross Chastain did there in 2022. Because it would be really cool to see six drivers do that at once.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home seventh at Homestead.

    “That was a heck of a final lap,” Bowman said. “Reddick had such a huge run to pass Ryan Blaney. At Darlington, Reddick just had the huge runs.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 13th in the Straight Talk Wireless 400.

    “We just didn’t have our best day,” Larson said. “So, I’ve really put myself behind the eight ball. On the bright side, I’ve been there before.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Homestead and will most likely need a win at Phoenix to advance to the championship round.

    “It would mean a lot if I could join Tyler Reddick in the championship round,” Hamlin said. “I’m hoping Tyler can give me a little help since I am his car owner. He was looking out for No. 1 at Homestead; I need him to look out for No. 11 at Martinsville.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Homestead and is now eighth in the points standings.

    “That means I’m in a must-win situation,” Elliott said. “I’m confident I can do it. Anything is possible when the full support of the Dawsonville Pool Room is behind you. Those people are pushing me as much as their livers are pushing on their insides.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd at Homestead.

    “I’ve got two more chances to close out my full-time career with a win,” Truex said. “Two of my Joe Gibbs Racing teammates are looking for spots in the championship round. Would I help one or both at the expense of losing a win? I’m a man of few words, and ‘No’ is the absolute minimum I can use for an answer, and that’s totally on brand.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano used astute fuel strategy to lead the final six laps and win the South Point 400 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, punching his ticket to the championship round.

    “I’m just lucky to still be in the Playoffs,” Logano said. “I am in, thanks to Alex Bowman, who was disqualified after the ROVAL race. Reportedly, Alex threw his phone into a swimming pool after learning the news. Reportedly, William Byron said the phone hit Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s pool boy.”

    2. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Las Vegas.

    “Sunday’s race went head to head with the Formula 1 United States Grand Prix in Austin, Texas,” Byron said. “But let’s face it, you can see things in NASCAR that you’d never see in F1, like toilet paper advertised on a car.”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell started on the pole at Las Vegas and led the most laps, but finished second to Joey Logano.

    “I’ve started on pole in 13 races in my career,” Bell said, “and I have yet to win one of those races. I guess I take the saying ‘It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish’ a little too literally.”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished fifth in the South Point 400.

    “First there were 16,” Bowman said. “Then there were 12. Then there were 8. I was a part of each of those groups until I had my membership revoked from the last one.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 11th in the South Point 400.

    “Congratulations to Joey Logano,” Larson said. “The No. 22 team and crew chief Paul Wolfe made the perfect calls all day. With this being Las Vegas, I guess you would call Wolfe the ‘Pit Boss.’”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eight at Las Vegas.

    “My car featured the ‘Yahoo’ paint scheme,” Hamlin said. “Obviously, that meant my No. 11 Toyota was powered by a ‘search engine.’”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney’s tough weekend at Las Vegas started with a crash in Saturday’s practice, and ended with a 32nd place finish.

    “Things were going okay until I was caught in the accident that saw Tyler Reddick flip once,” Blaney said. “However, I refuse to ‘roll over’ and die.”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain started seventh and finished seventh at Las Vegas, posting his 13th top 10 of the season.

    “I really wanted to win in Vegas,” Chastain said. “Who wouldn’t want to smash a watermelon in Vegas? I guess the better question is ‘Who would want to smash a watermelon in Vegas?’”

    9. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished sixth in the South Point 400, posting his 11th top-10 result of the season.

    “I think I’ve left my mark in this sport,” Truex said. “I think Tyler Reddick has as well after his day at Darlington when he left a skid mark.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott was caught up in a multi-car accident on Lap 89 that resulted in Tyler Reddick’s No. 45 Toyota rolling over. Elliott was able to continue, but his suspension was compromised and he finished 33rd.

    “I’m in last place in the standings,” Elliott said. “I’m not worried at all. I’ve been in worse places. Heck, I was born in Dawsonville, Georgia.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte ROVAL

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte ROVAL

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson led a dominant 62 laps and handily won the Bank of America ROVAL 400.

    “I clearly outdrove Shane van Gisbergen,” Larson said. “So I’ve downgraded him from being in my league to being in Max Verstappen’s league. I feel like I’m in a league of my own; they’re in a league of their own, which is not in my league.”

    2. William Byron: Byron finished third at Charlotte.

    “I had already advanced to the Round Of 8,” Byron said, “so I really didn’t have to stress about a solid finish. So, since I was ‘locked in,’ I didn’t have to be ‘locked in.’”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell challenged up front at Charlotte and finished second.

    “Hall Of Famers Ricky Rudd and Carl Edwards gave the ‘Start your engines’ command,” Bell said. “It was pretty cool, and maybe the first time the ‘start your engines’ command made someone flinch. Of course, only Matt Kenseth felt that way.”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman won Stage 2 and finished 18th but failed post-race inspection and was eliminated from the Playoffs.

    “It’s sad for the four drivers that were eliminated,” Bowman said. “That includes me. That’s too bad, and this is ‘two’ good: goodbye and good riddance.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Charlotte and advanced to the Round Of 8.

    “It was close,” Elliott said, “but I made it to the next round. I’m sure the fine people down at the Dawsonville Pool Room are celebrating responsibly by not driving, but only because they no longer have driver’s licenses.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started 18th at Charlotte and finished 14th.

    “I’m involved in an antitrust lawsuit against NASCAR,” Hamlin said. “Any Denny Hamlin fan would define ‘antitrust’ as the opposite of what they should feel about my ability to win a championship.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished a solid 10th and easily advanced to the Round Of 8.

    “Charlotte’s ROVAL was reconfigured with some modifications to a few corners,” Blaney said. “I’m just thankful NASCAR told us about them beforehand.”

    8. Tyler Reddick: Reddick rebounded from early trouble to force his way into the Round of 8 with an 11th-place finish.

    “I owe it all to my 23XI Racing team,” Reddick said, “and to team co-owner Michael Jordan. Michael has always had faith in me and has sometimes had money on me, and in stature has about 13 inches on me.”

    9. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Charlotte and was initially eliminated from the Playoffs. But Alex Bowman’s disqualification meant Logano advanced.

    “There was a camera on the floorboard of my No. 22 Ford,” Logano said. “That was so viewers could see my feet work the pedals. It’s kind of like watching a race at Kansas Speedway—it’s cool for about 30 seconds, then it gets incredibly boring.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 13th in the Bank Of America ROVAL 400.

    “Even though I wasn’t a playoff driver,” Busch said, “you could feel the tension in the air. You could also smell the tension. Maybe it wasn’t tension you could smell, but it smelled like cheap beer, unhealthy snacks, beer-infused jerky, smelly truck stops, dog food, or pretty much anything advertised on the cars.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron finished third in a thrilling, three-wide, side-by-side finish at Talladega as Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. grabbed the win.

    “More importantly,” Byron said, “I’ve already clinched a spot in the Round Of 8. So, Talladega truly was a ‘Big One’ at least for me.”

    2. Christopher Bell: Bell finished sixth in the Yellawood 500.

    “Saturday’s Xfinity Series was broadcast on the CW,” Bell said. “From what I hear, ‘CW’ stands for ‘Can’t watch.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second at Talladega, just edged out at the finish line by Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.

    “I thought I had a clear path to the win,” Keselowski said. “Not at the finish, but five laps before when I triggered a huge crash that wiped out over half the competition. So now, I’m car driver No. 2, as well as public enemy No. 1.”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 16th at Talladega.

    “NASCAR made several aerodynamic changes for the Talladega race,” Bowman said. “The purpose was to reduce the possibility of a car going airborne in the event of a high-speed incident. I was actually more worried about myself going airborne when Ryan Blaney could have rightfully jacked me up for wrecking him.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Talladega.

    “Cody Ware’s No. 15 car featured Arby’s sponsorship,” Larson said. “Arby’s likes to say ‘They have the beef.’ And they might, but not more beef that the drivers who were wrecked towards the drivers responsible.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 10th at Talladega.

    “I’m trying to win a championship and win a lawsuit against NASCAR,” Hamlin said. “History says I’ll go 0-2.”

    7. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.: Stenhouse was the victor in a photo finish, edging Brad Keselowski and William Byron by .006 of a second at the finish line to win the Yellawood 500.

    “Some of the best moments of my life have come at superspeedways,” Stenhouse said. “And they’ve only been topped by the best moment of my life—-breaking up with Danica Patrick.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 33rd at Talladega and is ninth in the points standings with an elimination race at Charlotte’s ROVAL upcoming.

    “It was just a miserable day for Penske Racing all around,” Logano said. “What can you do though? If other drivers weren’t so reckless, we could have made it through the race ‘wreck-less.’”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 29th at Talladega after being collected in a massive crash with five laps to go that affected 23 cars.

    “It’s a critical stretch in the playoffs,” Elliott said. “After Talladega, we’re off to Charlotte’s ROVAL for an elimination race. Suffice it to say our nerves are already eliminated.

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started fifth at Talladega and finished 39th after crashing out 124 laps in.

    “I just got too much of a push from Alex Bowman,” Blaney said. “I’m really not happy, but Alex should be happy that push didn’t come to shove.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron won Stage 1 and finished second in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I chased Ross Chastain over the closing laps,” Byron said. “I wasn’t able to catch him, so I apologize to my team, my fans, and the watermelon that was murdered.”

    2. Alex Bowman: Bowman won Stage 2 and finished sixth in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I’m just glad to have a solid finish in the first race of the Round Of 12,” Bowman said. “What do you do in a Hollywood Casino? You shoot craps. What is a Playoff race at Talladega? A crap shoot.”

    3. Ross Chastain: Chastain led 52 laps and held off William Byron down the stretch to win the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “Of course, I’m not a Playoff driver,” Chastain said, “and that takes a little bit off the luster of a race win. That’s why the sound of a watermelon going ‘splat’ is basically the same sound as my championship hopes crashing a few weeks ago.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell started on the pole and finished seventh in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I tapped the wall towards the ends of both Stage 1 and Stage 2,” Bell said. “I’ve heard somewhere that doing that is called a ‘double-tap.’ ‘Double-tapping’ is a good way not to win a race. Another ‘double-tap’ is starting on the pole, leading the most laps, and still not winning.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson blew a tire and hit the wall on Lap 20, all but ending his chances for the win. Larson recovered to score a 26th-place finish.

    “I was nowhere near as strong as I was at Bristol,” Larson said. “At Bristol, I was on another planet, which is also where Hendrick wanted to send me back in 2020.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: A loose wheel midway through the race derailed Hamlin’s hopes for a win at Kansas. But the No. 11 team battled back to grab an eighth-place finish.

    “I think we’re gonna be a little smarter about our race strategy at Talladega,” Hamlin said. “By ‘a little smarter,’ I mean ‘have one.’”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney produced his best drive of the Playoffs with a fourth at Kansas.

    “I feel like I’m peaking at the right time,” Blaney said. “A few weeks ago, Tyler Reddick was puking at the wrong time.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I wouldn’t want to be the guy that wrecked Kyle Busch while he was leading a race,” Logano said. “No other driver wants to get on Kyle’s bad side, but it’s virtually impossible because that’s the only side Kyle has.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott battled long odds to salvage a ninth-place finish at Kansas.

    “I had to start at the rear after my No. 9 Chevy developed engine issues in practice,” Elliott said. “That’s certainly not the way you want to start the Round Of 12. That was really the ‘Worst Chase Scenario.’”

    10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick struggled to a 25th at Kansas.

    “Michael Jordan was really excited,” Reddick said, “to see the ‘Bet MGM’ logo on Kyle Busch’s car. Usually, when Michael sees that logo on a car, it’s the courtesy shuttle taking him to the casino.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Night Race

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Night Race

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stages 1 and 2 and led 462 of 500 laps on his way to a dominant win in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.

    “I think I sent a message to the rest of the field,” Larson said. “And I also sent a message to Max Verstappen. That message to Max was this: You may be able to ‘F’ in a press conference, but you can’t ‘F’ with me.”

    2. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fifth in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.

    “I clinched a spot in the Round Of 12 early in Stage 2,” Bell said. “That didn’t mean I took my foot off the gas. I had it floored, but it didn’t seem to matter, because Kyle Larson throttled everybody.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Bristol and secured a spot in the Playoffs Round Of 12.

    “I really dug myself a hole in the first two playoff races,” Hamlin said. “Had I not advanced, that would have been convenient because I would have just buried my championship hopes.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano spun in Stage 2 running 12th, ending his hopes for a win, and finished 28th.

    “Having already qualified for the Round Of 12,” Logano said, “I raced at Bristol with no pressure. So I had nothing to worry about, even when that loose cannon Austin Dillon was behind me.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished second at Bristol.

    “You can best believe the folks down at the Dawsonville Pool Room were watching the race,” Elliott said. “And viewed through their beer goggles, they probably thought I won.”

    6. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe was strong all night at Bristol and recorded an eight, good enough to move him into the Round Of 12.

    “Daniel Hemric’s No. 31 Chevy had Mountain Dew and Doritos sponsorship,” Bell said. “Is it really smart for those companies to advertise their product at a NASCAR race? I mean, most NASCAR fans already have those products. They call it ‘breakfast.’”

    7. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 20th at Bristol, easily advancing to Round 2 of the Playoffs.

    “You have to be on your toes for 500 miles at Bristol,” Reddick said. “It’s a grueling race. When it was done, I was pooped. That’s better than what happened at Darlington, when after the race, what I said was ‘I pooped.’”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth at Bristol.

    “They call Bristol Motor Speedway the ‘Last Great Colosseum,’” Blaney said. “Does that make us all gladiators? If so, I’m guessing the Romans would not have been entertained, because there was not a lick of fighting.”

    9. Alex Bowman: Bowman started on the pole and finished ninth at Bristol. He advanced to the Round Of 12.

    “I was actually able to clinch in Stage 2,” Bowman said. “So I didn’t have to sweat it out like some drivers. That’s not to say I didn’t sweat. I did. And me talking about my sweat was way more exciting than a race that Kyle Larson made sooo boring.”

    10. Chris Buescher: Buescher finished 14th in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.

    “As far as tire wear goes,” Buescher said, “the difference in the Bristol spring and the Bristol fall race was like night and day.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano finished 15th at Watkins Glen.

    “Luckily,” Logano said, “I won at Atlanta, so I could afford a mediocre finish. When you Go Bowling At The Glen, it’s good to have a spare (win).”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson was caught up in the Lap 1 chaos and was shuffled to the back of the field. But Larson methodically worked his way back into position and finished 12th.

    “I’ve worked my way back from bigger messes,” Larson said.

    “I just announced that I’ll be attempting the Indy 500-Coca Cola 600 double in 2025. If I win both, you can bet I’ll let Max Verstappen know about it.”

    3. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished sixth on a chaotic day at Watkins Glen.

    “I started the day below the cut line,” Briscoe said, “and ended the day above it. And speaking of ‘cut lines,’ I know there are some playoff drivers that would like to give one to some non-playoff drivers.”

    4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 27th at Watkins Glen.

    “This race was called the ‘Go Bowling! At The Glen,’” Reddick said. “Last week at Atlanta, I also needed to ‘go bowling.’ Unfortunately, it was a toilet bowl.”

    5. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 14th at the Go Bowling! At The Glen.

    “First,” Bell said, “I got caught in a spin caused by Corey LaJoie. Then later, I got spun by Austin Dillon. It’s the NASCAR equivalent of being ‘Punk’d.’”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Tragedy struck early for Blaney at Watkins Glen, where he was collected in a crash started when Corey LaJoie spun Kyle Busch. Blaney’s car suffered a broken steering column, and his day was done.

    “I’m not surprised it was Corey LaJoie,” Blaney said. “Corey LaJoie is known for sucking, and sucking all the joy out of racing.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota was collected in the first lap melee and suffered significant damage. Hamlin was able to continue and finished 23rd.

    “You hear that beeping noise?” Hamlin said. “It could be one of two things: either an alarm going off telling me I’m about to be eliminated from the Playoffs, or it’s a reverse sound because I’ve backed myself into a corner.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 but was victimized by a number of late skirmishes and finished 20th at Watkins Glen.

    “For once,” Truex said, “I’d like to see a NASCAR race conclude without an overtime restart. And I’d like to see some irrelevant drivers give me a little respect. ‘Scrubs’ should only refer to tires, and not my competitors.”

    9. Chris Buescher: Buescher made a daring last lap pass of Shane Van Gisbergen after the New Zealander made a mistake into the inner loop, opening the door for Buescher.

    “This somewhat eases the pain of missing the playoffs,” Buescher said. “But I’ll take that pain anytime. Tony Stewart was a glutton for food; I’m a glutton for punishment.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 19th at Watkins Glen.

    “That was the first playoff race ever held at Watkins Glen,” Elliott said. “And it certainly didn’t disappoint. That is, it didn’t disappoint the fans. Many drivers were, in fact, disappointed.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano took charge late to snatch the win in the Quaker State 400 in the playoff opener.

    “I got a good push from my Penske Racing teammate Ryan Blaney,” Logano said. “It’s like I told Ryan after the race, ‘Teamwork makes my dream work.’”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1 at Atlanta and finished third.

    “Everything was going fine until Chris Buescher nearly wrecked me,” Blaney said. “And it doesn’t take a wizard to see that Buescher caused the dent in my car.”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished a strong sixth at Atlanta.

    “My No. 45 Toyota featured a prominent Jordan Brand logo,” Reddick said. “Michael Jordan appreciates loyalty, so as a driver for his team, I’m required to wear only Jordan Brand clothes, and I’m also required to get a Jordan brand.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell posted a strong start to the Playoffs with a fourth-place finish in the Quaker State 400.

    “I suffered an early penalty for pitting outside the box,” Bell said. “If only my cats could learn that there’s a penalty for them doing the same. But a penalty like that really puts the team in a hole, and forces you to think outside of the box. We did that.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished eighth in the Quaker State 400.

    “A Walmart banner actually fell onto the track and caused a caution,” Elliott said. “I guess you could say Walmart’s new ad campaign just dropped.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson slammed the wall hard after blowing a tire on Lap 56, ending his day at Atlanta. Chase Briscoe was collected in the accident, which ended his day as well. Larson finished 37th.

    “I’m sorry I ruined Chase’s race,” Larson said. “On the bright side for him, I’ve put him in a situation in which he can thrive, which is a must-win situation.”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Atlanta after finishing second in the previous two races.

    “I may not be eligible for the Cup championship,” Busch said, “but that’s okay. I already have two championships. That makes me ‘two-titled.’ My RCR teammate Austin Dillon is entitled.”

    8. William Byron: Byron came home ninth in the Quaker State 400.

    “It was a good day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Byron said. “At least for everyone except for Kyle Larson. It wasn’t a good day for Kyle, both for his playoff outlook and for anyone who thinks he’s a better driver than Max Verstappen.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 24th in Atlanta.

    “I hung back for most of the race,” Hamlin said. “Our strategy was to avoid trouble. We did that. We also avoided having any chance to win the race.”

    10. (tie) Daniel Suarez: Suarez came up short at Atlanta, finishing second at the track where he won in February.

    “I firmly believe I could win the championship,” Suarez said, “if all playoff races were held at Atlanta Motor Speedway.”

    10. (tie) Austin Cindric: Cindric won Stage 2 and finished 10th in the Quaker State 400.

    “I think most people probably forgot I was in the Playoffs,” Cindric said. “Heck, I’ve introduced myself to Roger Penske at least seven times this year.”