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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Road America

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Road America

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Eliott dominated early at Road America, but couldn’t overcome Tyler Reddick’s late surge and had to settle for second.

    “Reddick just had too much for me there at the end in that No. 8 3CHI Chevy,” Elliott said. “Fittingly enough, he ‘smoked’ me.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished fourth at Road America, posting his Cup-series best of nine top-fives in a season.

    “I thought I drove a great race,” Chastain said. “One, because I finished fourth, and two, because I didn’t get lectured by some veterans after the race.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2, led 4 laps, and finished 11th in the Kwik Trip 250.

    “Tyler Reddick was pretty darn excited to get his first Cup win and qualify for the postseason,” Blaney said. “I mean, maybe too excited. Heck, I think he started hyperventilating. I said, ‘Dude, take deep breaths.’ Then I thought, ‘He’s got ‘3CHI’ on his car.’ So then I said, ‘Dude, inhale.’”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson finished a distant third at Road America, as Tyler Reddick dominated late to win his way into the post-season.

    “Congratulations to Tyler on such a huge win,” Larson said. “As the driver of the 3CHI Chevrolet, he’ll probably remember his first Cup victory with a ‘bowl.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 27th at Road America.

    “I’ve had a pretty crappy year on road courses,” Logano said. “I’ve tried so hard to improve my driving on circuits, but apparently, I’m not making any progress. In other words, it looks like, ironically, I’m ‘going in circles.’”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch posted a disappointing 29th-place finish at Road America, finishing as the last car on the lead lap.

    “‘Road America’ is such a fitting name for a race venue on July 4th weekend,” Busch said. “Chode America’ is such a fitting name for me.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th in the Kwik Trip 250 as Tyler Reddick won to become the 13th driver to clinch a playoff spot via a win.

    “Reddick’s win knocked me out of playoff position,” Harvick said. “And judging by the lack of driver confrontations this season, it might be the only ‘knockout’ we’ll see this year.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 13th at Road America, posting Toyota’s best finish on the day.

    “It was just a sad day for Toyota overall,” Truex said. “But congratulations to Tyler Reddick. If you’re handing out grades, he gets an A-plus. And speaking of the ‘3CHI’ car advertising CBD oil, among other things, Toyota’s grade for the race was not a ‘C,’ nor a ‘B,’ nor a ‘D,’ but an ‘F.’”

    9. Daniel Suarez: Suarez came home fifth at Road America.

    “I know the elation Reddick feels,” Suarez said. “I too got my first cup win on a road course. And I know I couldn’t have done it without my team. So I, much like Reddick in his No. 8 3CHI Chevrolet, know it was a ‘joint’ effort.’”

    10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick pulled away from Chase Elliott in the closing laps to win the Kwik Trip 250 at Road America. The win put Reddick in the playoff field.

    “My No. 8 car was dialed in,” Reddick said. “The 3CHI Chevrolet was fast; you could even say it was ‘blazing.’ Now, my confidence is through the roof. In fact, it’s growing like a weed.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott surged late and held off Kurt Busch to win the Ally 400 at Nashville, earning his first win since May 1st at Dover.

    “That was nearly two months without a victory,” Elliott said. “But holding this guitar trophy means I’m not going to ‘fret’ over that.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain took fifth in the Ally 400.

    “My No. 1 car was primarily sponsored by Jockey for this race,” Chastain said. “In this business, you can never underestimate the importance of clean underwear, what with racing terms like ‘dirty air,’ ‘runs,’ and ‘rear spoilers.’”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney posted a solid third in the Ally 400 at Nashville, scoring his seventh top-five of the season.

    “I’m still looking for that elusive win this season,” Blaney said. “I’d get my father Dave to help me find it, but history says he has no clue where to find a win.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Nashville.

    “Former Penske Racing great Rusty Wallace is appearing in a new Skechers commercial,” Logano said. “So, while Rusty wants to put his shoe in the retail market, his former teammate Ryan Newman still wants to put his shoe somewhere else, and that’s in Rusty where the sun don’t shine.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch was running second at the final caution at Nashville, and opted to pit for tires, which was ultimately the wrong decision. Busch finished 21st, as Chase Elliott, who stayed out, took the win.

    “Obviously,” Busch said, “pitting was the wrong call. And, obviously, only signing 100 autographs at a local Wal-Mart was also the wrong call. And obviously, the right thing to do would have been to sign fewer.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 10th at Nashville, posting his eighth top-10 of the year.

    “Once again,” Harvick said, “my car was adorned with the Busch Light Apple paint scheme. I’m interested in people’s opinion of what appears to be an awful flavor. If you’re hesitant to give that opinion, I suggest you ‘spit it out.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stages 1 and 2, but a late pit stop gamble shuffled him back, and he finished 22nd in the Ally 400.

    “I’m returning to Joe Gibbs Racing in 2023,” Truex said. “I think JGR cars give me the best chance to go fast and win races. So, when I ask myself, ‘Should I stay or should I go?,’ I can confidently answer ‘Both.’”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson started third and finished fourth at Nashville, and is seventh in the points standings.

    “I haven’t won a race since February in California,” Larson said. “So I feel like I’m due, for a win, or sensitivity training, or both.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole and led a race-high 114 laps en route to a sixth-place finish at Nashville.

    “It could have been a much better finish,” Hamlin said. “I should have stayed out on that last caution. If I had it to do over, I would have done a ‘do-over.’”

    10. Christopher Bell: Bell finished eighth at Nashville.

    “Sunday’s race was delayed twice for lightning,” Bell said, “and once for rain. If only Tim Richmond and Jeremy Mayfield could have somehow caused a disturbance, the race could have also been delayed for ‘snow’ and ‘ice.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch locked up his rear tires and spun on a restart on Lap 88, ruining his shot at challenging for the win at Sonoma. Busch finished 30th.

    “Braking news,” Busch said. “I really put the ‘F’ in ‘KFB’ on that restart.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished seventh in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “I talked to Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott in regards to my mistakes at Gateway,” Chastain said. “But that was nothing compared to getting called out by Tony Stewart, who was in the Fox Sports booth. If I had a resume to match that of Stewart, I would tell him to ‘Eat those words.’ And the thing is, Tony would probably do it anyway.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 26 laps and finished eighth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “We really blew a pit stop that cost us any chance of winning,” Elliott said. “We didn’t fully tighten a lug nut and then had to back up. That’s a penalty for pitting outside the box. So, even though I’m the one shifting the car in reverse, it’s my team that actually makes me go backwards.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano captured Stage 2 at Sonoma and finished 17th.

    “I’m happy for Daniel Suarez,” Logano said. “And I think it’s awesome he celebrated by breaking a taco pinata in Victory Circle. I can only imagine the promotional tie-in a certain fast-food restaurant could be planning. Suarez’s is a Cinderella story, and I’m guessing his date for the ball in this commercial is the ‘Taco Belle.’”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 6th at Sonoma.

    “You may have heard me on my radio commenting on the difficulty of passing,” Blaney said. “I was dropping truth bombs while simultaneously dropping ‘F-bombs.’”

    6. Daniel Suarez: Suarez snatched his first Cup series win with a brilliant drive at Sonoma to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “I’m the first Mexican driver to win in the Cup series,” Suarez said. “That’s a big deal. I can’t wait to go home and celebrate with my fans. So, for all the Americans who want me to ‘go back from where I came,’ I plan to.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Sonoma and won Stage 1, but disaster struck when his No. 5 Chevy lost its right front wheel on lap 84. Larson finished 15th.

    “I could have won this race,” Larson said. “I won the pole, and the car was set up perfectly. I was fully prepared to drive the wheels off my car until my pit crew beat me to it.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took fourth at Sonoma, posting his fourth top-five of the season.

    “I was lucky to finish fourth,” Harvick said. “We had a pit stop in which the car fell off the jack. My pit crew’s been all over the place. Therefore, my season’s had more ups and downs than the jack.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled at Sonoma with a 26th-place finish.

    “The Clash is returning to the Los Angeles Coliseum in 2023,” Truex said. “So, we’re all heading back to ‘La La Land.” Now, if Michael Waltrip does his grid walk at the Clash, it will most certainly be ‘Blah Blah Land.’”

    10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 16th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “My team was one of the few Hendrick Motorsports teams that understand that race cars work better with four wheels,” Bowman said.

    “It’s always fun to visit Sonoma. It’s wine country and probably the only stop on the season where the word ‘charcuterie’ is used correctly.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Gateway

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Gateway

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch came up short in a back-and-forth battle with Joey Logano in the Enjoy Illinois 300, taking the runner-up spot.

    “That was good, clean racing at its finest,” Busch said. “And the exact opposite of what you saw from Denny Hamlin, Ross Chastain, and Chase Elliott. If NASCAR is trying to appeal to a younger audience, I guess they’re gonna do it with child-like behavior. I’m just shocked I wasn’t involved in those immature shenanigans.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano came out on top in a spirited battle with Kyle Busch to get the win in the inaugural Cup race at World Wide Technology Raceway.

    “That was fun,” Logano said. “I like measuring myself against the best. When I can’t do that, I like measuring myself against someone who thinks he’s the best. That’s Kyle.”

    3. Ross Chastain: Chastain overcame several run-ins with Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott to post an eighth-place finish at Worldwide Technology Raceway.

    “Hamlin was holding me up,” Chastain said. “I was so close to him, he could see the word ‘Moose’ on my hood. In hindsight, maybe my hood should have read ‘Moove.’

    “That being said, I admitted my mistakes after the race, which is something unheard of in this sport. I’ll probably get accused by some NASCAR old-school fans of being ‘woke.’”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

    “My No. 12 Ford sported the ‘Dent Wizard’ paint scheme,” Blaney said. “Many, if not all, of the drivers call Brad Keselowski the ‘Dent Wizard,’ because he can magically cause damage to your car without even touching it.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 12th at Gateway and is now mired in a 13-race Cup winless streak.

    “Not winning is something totally foreign to me,” Larson said. “The only things I’m used to losing are dignity and sponsors.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started 13th and finished sixth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

    “That was my 600th Cup series start,” Truex said. “And with my contract expiring, I’m trying to decide whether or not I want to do this anymore. ‘To re-tire, or not to re-tire.’ That is the question. And this time, it’s entirely up to me, and not my crew chief, to answer it.”

    7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 21st in the Enjoy Illinois 300, his day hindered by a bump from Ross Chastain on Lap 101 that spun Elliott into traffic.

    “Chastain drove like a man possessed,” Elliott said. “In that case, somebody needs to call an exorcist to get the ‘hell’ out of Ross, because he is one ‘hell’ of a bad driver.”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 13th at Gateway as Hendrick Motorsports failed to place a driver in the top 10.

    “It looks like Denny Hamlin’s got a new feuding partner,” Bowman said, “in Ross Chastain. That’s good for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a ‘hack;’ but with Chastain in the mix, I’m not the ‘absolute hack.’”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was bumped into the wall by Ross Chastain on Lap 64 at Gateway and eventually finished 34th, 11 laps off the lead lap.

    “I spent most of the race trying to get revenge on Chastain,” Hamlin said. “If only I could match that same determination in the championship round of the playoffs, I’d probably have more than zero championships.”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fifth at Gateway, posting his second top-five of the season.

    “This was the Cup series’ only stop in the state of Illinois,” Almirola said. “If you told the average NASCAR fans that the ‘S’ in ‘Illinois’ in silent, they would likely say ‘No ‘S’.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered several spins at Charlotte, but attrition and a big crash in the first overtime restart opened the door for Busch to contend for the win. He finished second to Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin.

    “I was frustrated for most of the race,” Busch said. “But when the going gets tough, you can do one of two things–either stay positive and hope for the best, or whine, complain, and moan and pray you get lucky. I chose the latter.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain ran up front consistently, winning Stage 3, and was in line for a certain top-five finish before being collected in an accident after the first overtime restart. Chastain finished 15th.

    “I’m disappointed,” Chastain said. “Luckily, I already have two wins this season. I come from a family of watermelon farmers. So, qualifying for the NASCAR playoffs is important to me and my family. The last thing we want is for me to be ‘seedless’ once the post-season starts.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson found trouble on many occasions early at Charlotte, but bounced back and was leading with a lap to go when Chase Briscoe lost control while chasing Larson, bringing out a caution. Larson spun on an overtime restart, and eventually finished ninth.

    “Let’s see,” Larson said. “I wrecked in Saturday practice, had two equipment violations during Sunday’s race, hit the wall twice, had a fire in the pits, and spun a few times. Just a disastrous weekend. Heck, I don’t know what to say. I do know what not to say.”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott won Stage 1 and led 86 laps, but a spin on lap 186 caused damage when he hit the wall. Elliott retired on Lap 193 and finished 33rd.

    “I wasn’t around for all of it,” Elliott said, “but that race lasted more than five hours. To put that into perspective, it lasted as long as what Michael Waltrip’s ‘Grid Walk’ feels like.”

    5. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 10th at Charlotte.

    “You saw an abundance of tire issues at Charlotte,” Bowman said. “There were blown tires, flat tires, runaway tires, and if you looked in the stands, plenty of spare tires.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney got loose and tapped the wall on Lap 164, then lost control and triggered a big pileup on Lap 191, which involved 12 cars. Blaney finished 29th.

    “I won $1,000,000 in the All-Star Race at Texas Motor Speedway,” Blaney said. “So, much like in Texas, I cost several drivers $1,000,000 at Charlotte.”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 12th at Charlotte.

    “The Sunday before Memorial Day is the greatest day in auto racing,” Truex said. “You can wake up to the Monaco Grand Prix, have lunch with the Indianapolis 500, and get put to sleep by the Coca-Cola 600.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 20th in the Coca-Cola 600.

    “Like many other drivers,” Logano said, “I got taken out by a driver who made a dumb mistake. Charlotte was the long-time home of NASCAR’s All-Star Race. As you saw in Sunday’s Coca-Cola 600, the drivers in NASCAR are not all-stars. Some are scrubs.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Charlotte, but faded quickly and was not much of a factor until a big wreck on an overtime restart left Hamlin with the lead. Hamlin battled Kyle Busch in the second overtime and edged his teammate by 0.014 seconds.

    “That crash on the first overtime restart damaged the cars of a lot of contenders,” Hamlin said. “So, I have to thank Austin Dillon for ‘going for ‘broke.’”

    10. William Byron: Byron was a victim of a Lap 191 crash triggered by Ryan Blaney, who lost control near the apron and veered into traffic. Byron’s day was done, and he finished 32nd.

    “Six hundred miles is a long way,” Byron said. “It’s a physically draining race for the drivers, but even more mentally draining, especially for the fans who have to watch it.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 1 at Kansas and overcame a speeding penalty to post a third at Kansas, leading a Joe Gibbs Racing 3-4-5-6 finish.

    “I can’t be too satisfied with a third,” Busch said. “Sure, third place is good, but I finished last among all Busch’s, and last among all Kyle’s.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished seventh at Kansas and is fifth in the points standings.

    “Kurt Busch said he had to race like the ‘GOAT,” Chastain said, “in reference to his car owner Michael Jordan. In other words, at Kansas, Kurt drove like Michael Jordan the basketball player. In his previous four races, in which he had zero top 10s, he must have driven like Michael Jordan the baseball player.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered a flat tire on Lap 196 that sent him spinning into the grass. After repairs, Elliott continued and limped home to a 29th-place finish.

    “After blowing a tire and spinning into the grass,” Elliott said, “I said, ‘We’re not in this race anymore.’ Luckily, when I leave this state, I can happily say, ‘We’re not in Kansas anymore.’”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman hit Bubba Wallace’s uncontrolled tire on pit lane midway through the race, but recovered to post a solid ninth at Kansas.

    “In this sport,” Bowman said, “you have to be at your best when the rubber hits the road,” Bowman said. “But what really tests your mettle is how you react when the rubber hits back.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson led 29 laps and led late at Kansas, but couldn’t repel the charge of Kurt Busch, who slipped past Larson for the lead with nine laps left. Larson held on for second.

    “I thought I could hold Kurt off,” Larson said. “But to his credit, he pounced on the opening when I left it there. And since Kurt was driving that ‘Jordan Brand’ Toyota, you can confidently say ‘The man can jump … on an opportunity.’”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 12th at Kansas.

    “What a drive by Kurt Busch,” Blaney said. “It was just Kurt’s day. His car had the ‘Jordan Brand’ paint scheme, so he had the power of Michael Jordan with him. Sure, M.J. has a gambling problem, but I think that’s the reason why he got into racing, so he could say, ‘My money’s on Kurt Busch,’ and it was totally legit.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th at Kansas.

    “I’m sure William Byron was looking for an opportunity to get revenge on me for spinning him at Darlington,” Logano said. “What Willy B. doesn’t understand is that I’ve pretty famous for my long neck and that long neck is well-exercised in looking over my shoulder.”

    8. William Byron: Byron finished 16th at Kansas.

    “That was one spot in front of Joey Logano,” Byron said. “That’s exactly where I was at Darlington when he bumped me out of the lead. And I definitely haven’t forgotten about that. So seeing Logano in my rearview mirror is something I haven’t put in my rearview mirror.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex fought back from a lap down to record a solid sixth at Kansas as all four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers finished in the top 10.

    “It’s pretty impressive for us to put all 4 in the top 10,” Truex said. “But all the credit should go to Denny Hamlin because he’s been the one not finishing in the top 10.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch got past Kyle Larson with nine laps to go and held on to win the AdventHealth 400 at Kansas.

    “That’s my first win with 23XI Racing,” Busch said. “Appropriately enough, my No. 45 Toyota sported the ‘Jordan Brand’ paint scheme. So I have to thank M.J. for having the confidence in me to allow me to drive a car backed by his iconic brand. It was the ultimate ‘vertical leap of faith.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott led the final 53 laps at Dover and captured the win in the DuraMAX Drydene 400, his first victory of the season.

    “Now,” Elliott said, “all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers have a win. I’m just sad that I was last to the parity.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain led 86 laps and came home third at Dover.

    “I tangled with Martin Truex Jr. on the final lap,” Chastain said. “Martin came out on the losing end of that when he spun out. Martin then gave me a piece of his mind, which was good, because I actually enjoy ‘picking the brain’ of my older, more experienced competitors.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch, while leading, pitted under green on lap 322. Unfortunately, a caution flew seconds later, costing Busch the lead and track position. He recovered to finish seventh.

    “There’s nothing I can do about that,” Busch said, “except continue to live by the good old Kyle Busch motto: ‘When the going gets tough, Kyle Busch starts complaining.’”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 26th at Dover, only his second result outside the top 20 this season.

    “Bill Elliott, Bobby Labonte, and Richard Petty will be in the Fox Sports booth next week at Darlington,” Blaney said. “That’s NASCAR royalty right there. Now, they won’t all be in the booth at the same time, mind you. That would make the booth ‘royally skewed.’”

    5. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished fifth at Dover, posting his third top-five of the season.

    “Denny Hamlin is really struggling this season,” Bowman said. “But we all know Denny as one of the most determined drivers in the game. He’ll do whatever it takes to make a comeback. I mean, he’ll drive the wheels off his car if he has to.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 29th at Dover, four laps down.

    “It was just an overall bad day for Penske Racing,” Logano said. “I was four laps down. Ryan Blaney was three laps down, and Austin Cindric was 309 laps down. So basically, lead-lap cars ran circles around us all day.”

    7. William Byron: After wrecking in Saturday’s practice, Byron was forced to go to a backup car and struggled to a 22nd at Dover.

    “It’s always hard to get a backup car up to speed,” Byron said. “In fact, we put the ‘back’ in ‘backup.’”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson blew two tires on Lap 156 and fell a lap down, but came back strong to post a sixth at Dover.

    “And speaking of ‘unexpected releases of air,’” Larson said, “Dover’s Monster Beef And Cheddar Sandwich is really gastro-intestinally infamous.

    “And speaking of ‘unexpected releases of liquid,’ the ‘DuraMAX Drudene 400’ sounds like a description of a bulk value package of super-absorbent adult diapers.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 12th at Dover, falling down the order when his battle for third with Ross Chastain sent Truex spinning.

    “I had words with Chastain after the race,” Truex said. “Actually, just two words. And there were seven letters total in those two words. It’s not what you think. Those two words were ‘re’ and ‘venge.’”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth in the DuraMAX Drydene 400 at Dover.

    “Hunt Brothers Pizza was my primary sponsor for the Dover race,” Harvick said. “I’ve had a long-standing relationship with them. ‘They’ve been with me for years,’ which is something you can also say about the actual Hunt Brothers Pizza once you’ve eaten it.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Talladega.

    “Ross Chastain is rolling right now,” Elliott said. “Is he a championship contender? I think his performance has other contenders worried. You could say that by ‘planting’ a watermelon on the pavement, he’s ‘planting’ a seed in our minds.

    “Now, it seems like it’s just a matter of time before Chastain is crowned champion, or, most likely, becomes the spokesperson for an alcoholic beverage with a flavor called ‘Spiked Watermelon.’”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 23 laps and finished 11th at Talladega.

    “I’m disappointed,” Blaney said. “Sure, it was a solid finish, but I feel like I wasted a good car. And speaking of ‘solid waste,’ the sewage situation in the Talladega infield is a port-a-potty supplier’s nightmare. Luckily, the service of that supplier does not stink to high heaven.”

    3. Ross Chastain: Chastain came out on top in a chaotic final lap at Talladega to win the Geico 500. It was his second win of the year.

    “I’m making a name for TrackHouse Racing,” Chastain said. “That’s ‘Trackhouse Racing,’ not to be confused with ‘CrackHouse Racing,’ which Jeremy Mayfield made famous back in 2009.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third at Talladega, posting his third top-five of the season.

    “With four consecutive top 10’s,” Busch said, “I feel like I’m peaking. Many people would say I’m ‘peaked,’ because I’m so darn pale.

    “I made some comments Saturday about my future with Joe Gibbs Racing. I’m losing M&M’s as a sponsor, and if JGR doesn’t find me a new sponsor, I might bolt. Really, it’s just a strategy for me to get what I want. I call this my contract extension ‘Whine And Sign’ method.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano crashed out at Talladega on lap 90 when a bump in the draft from Bubba Wallace turned Logano’s No. 22 into the wall. Logano finished 32nd.

    “I can’t blame anyone for wrecking me,” Logano said. “In other words, Bubba wasn’t ‘out of line’ for wrecking me, even though he was ‘out of line.’ But at Talladega, that’s just the way the cookie, and my hopes for a win, crumbles.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Talladega as Hendrick Motorsports placed three cars in the top 10.

    “I’ll take that ninth,” Bowman said, “and happily head to Dover, where I’m the defending champion. I repeat, defending champion.”

    7. William Byron: Byron won Stage 2 at Talladega and led a race-high 38 laps, but a slow final pit stop cost him track position, and he was unable to return to the front. He finished 15th and is 3rd in the points standings.

    “If you were watching at home,” Byron said, “you saw quite an entertaining race. And, you probably saw commercials for something called ‘Fire Cornhole.’ I don’t know what ‘Fire Cornhole’ is, but it sounds very painful.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson led 32 laps at Talladega and was in position to win on the final lap. Race-leader Erik Jones moved to block Larson’s run for the lead, which opened the door for Ross Chastain to take the win. Larson finished 4th.

    “There’s probably some things I would have done differently on that final lap,” Larson said, “but ultimately, I have to trust the decisions I made at the time and be happy with them. I like to live by the motto ‘No regrets.’ Well, make that the motto ‘No regrets, with one exception.’”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fifth in the Geico 500, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch, who finished third, in the top 10.

    “I thought we did pretty well,” Truex said, “considering there were only six Toyotas in the entire field. As they say, ‘it’s hard to find a dance partner when you’re the red-headed stepchild, especially when three of those potential dance partners are my teammates, none of which I particularly care for.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 13th at Talladega.

    “My No. 10 Ford was highlighted by the Smithfield/IHOP paint scheme,” Almirola said. “So, the sausage and pancakes arrived at their destination, but we weren’t quite able to bring home the bacon.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney charged from 25th on the starting grid to post a fifth at Bristol, his fourth top-five finish of the year.

    “Ty Dillon’s car was sponsored by ‘Gain,’” Blaney said. “Erik Jones had ‘Tide’ on his car, and Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s car sported the ‘Irish Spring’ logo. I’m not sure what race teams charge for sponsorship at a dirt race, but you can bet those got ‘taken to the cleaners.’”

    2. Joey Logano: Despite not leading a single lap, Logano was a fixture up front all night at Bristol and finished third.

    “Drivers one and all love racing on the dirt at Bristol,” Logano said. “I think NASCAR should consider some other surfaces to race on, like linoleum, vinyl, tile, or carpet. Just call the event the ‘Floor It 500.’”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started ninth and finished ninth at Bristol, and remains atop the points standings, three points up on Ryan Blaney.

    “I had an incident with Cody Ware in Stage 3,” Elliott said. “He retaliated and gave me a pretty hard bump. Somebody needs to tell that kid who I am because I am a ‘somebody.’ Somebody also needs to tell him who he is, because he’s a ‘nobody.’”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch ran up front all night at Bristol and stole the win when Chase Briscoe and Tyler Reddick wrecked battling for the win.

    “I don’t have a background in dirt racing,” Busch said. “I grew up on the clean streets of Las Vegas, which are hard, smooth, and paid for with the life savings and crushed hopes of many a failed and addicted gambler.

    “You could say I ‘backed’ into the win at Bristol. You could also say Chase Briscoe ‘backed’ into Tyler Reddick, thus backing me into the win. Either way, I’m back in Victory Lane.”

    5. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe suffered an early flat tire at Bristol but recovered to put himself in position to win on the final lap. But his kamikaze move on race-leader Tyler Reddick backfired, as Briscoe spun himself and Reddick, which allowed Kyle Busch to steal the win.

    “I made it a point to apologize to Tyler,” Briscoe said. “I offered him a handshake, and he graciously accepted. If you ask some of the old school drivers, they’ll tell you that’s the closest us youngsters will come to ‘throwing hands.’”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished sixth at Bristol.

    “It’s really special racing on Easter,” Bowman said. “Probably more so for Kyle Busch. I’m sure Kyle and his team were resigned to finishing third. But then, all of a sudden, he was in first. And all his stunned followers could say was, ‘Look! He is risen!’

    “And let me apologize for even remotely comparing Jesus to Kyle Busch. As Brad Keselowski might say, ‘You just put the ‘a$$’ in ‘blasphemy.’”

    7. Tyler Reddick: While seemingly headed for his first win, Reddick was wrecked by Chase Briscoe, who spun Reddick while attempting a daring, potential race-winning pass in the final corner. Reddick recovered to finish second, while Briscoe dropped to 22nd as Kyle Busch won.

    “My No. 8 Chevy was great,” Reddick said. “I’d like to thank everyone associated with Richard Childress Racing and 3CHI. RCR brings the speed, and 3CHI brings the weed.

    “I could have tried to be a tough guy and take a swing at Briscoe for wrecking me. But I tried to be the ‘bigger man,’ which is hard because it ain’t easy being the ‘bigger man’ when you’re 5′ 5″ and Briscoe is 6′ 1″ and looks like he’s hiding Tony Stewart under his driver’s suit.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 and came home fourth in the Bristol Dirt Race.

    “I’m totally at home racing on dirt,” Larson said. “In fact, I love it, even though the end result is often a mouthful of dirt. And, it gives me an opportunity to literally ‘wash my mouth out with soap,’ something I’ve done before figuratively.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex experienced engine issues at Bristol and struggled to a disappointing 21st.

    “Luck just wasn’t on our side,” Truex said. “It was, however, on the side of my JGR teammate Kyle Busch. Seeing the discrepancy in luck between a good guy like me and a punk like Kyle brings tears of pain to me, and tears of joy to him. That’s why Kyle is considered by many to be a ‘lucky SOB.’

    “That being said, I’d rather be unlucky than be Kyle Busch.”

    10. William Byron: Byron finished 18th in the dirt at Bristol while his three Hendrick Motorsports teammates all placed in the top 10.

    “Racing on dirt is the closest we come to ‘drifting,’” Byron said. “It may not be ‘The Fast And The Furious,’ but I’ll put my driving up against any street racer any day, and I’ll put my acting up against Vin Diesel’s every day.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron held off Joey Logano in overtime at Martinsville to win the Blu-Emu Maximum Pain Relief 400, Byron’s second straight win.

    “I also won the Truck race on Thursday,” Byron said “which means I left Martinsville with two grandfather clocks. It’s the greatest example of ‘two-timing’ in NASCAR since Jeff Gordon’s marriage.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth at Martinsville, posting his third top-five of the year.

    “I’m still looking for my first win,” Blaney said. “I’m sure it will come in due time. Obviously, it’s all about confidence, and I’m extremely confident, even though I’m winless. Who’s better than Ryan Blaney? ‘No won.’”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and led the first 185 laps, winning the first two stages before fading late to finish 10th.

    “It was like Christmas in April at Martinsville,” Elliott said. “Why do I say that? Because there was wintry weather and a boring ‘parade.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano was running second at the overtime restart at Martinsville, but couldn’t get around William Byron, who controlled the final two laps for the win. Logano’s runner-up finish left him fourth in the points standings, 27 behind Chase Elliott.

    “I got close enough to bump Byron once,” Logano said. “If I had it to do over, I would have bumped him harder. I’m pretty disappointed that I didn’t knock Byron out of the way. Just think, all this time, Matt Kenseth thought I had learned my lesson.”

    5. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home fifth at Martinsville, and is fifth in the points standings, 42 out of first.

    “The start of the race was delayed for an hour due to rain and sleet,” Chastain said. “What else is cold and wet and lasts an hour at Martinsville? A 12-pack.”

    6. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe came home ninth at Martinsville.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. raced in Friday’s Xfinity race,” Briscoe said, “and shared a few beers with some fellow drivers after the race. That story is wholesomely known as Dale Earnhardt’s alcohol ‘content,’ and has nothing to do with how much he drank.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 12th at Martinsville.

    “I can’t wait for the Bristol Dirt Race on Sunday,” Bowman said. “And, it also takes place on Easter Sunday. It’s a race fan’s dream: Bristol, on dirt, on Easter. It’s practically the Holy Trinity.’”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled at Martinsville, finishing 22nd.

    “It wasn’t the greatest day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Truex said. “But it wasn’t a lost weekend for Joe Gibbs. On Friday, he got to witness his grandson Ty, who was wearing his helmet, punch Sam Mayer, who wasn’t wearing his helmet.

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth at Martinsville, posting his first top 10 since Las Vegas on March 6.

    “Darrell Waltrip will serve as the guest analyst for Fox at the upcoming Bristol Dirt Race,” Almirola said. “So, the tiny broadcast booth he’ll share with Mike Joy and Clint Bowyer at the Coliseum will temporarily be known as the ‘Tide Pod.’”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Martinville, as the remaining three Joe Gibbs Racing drivers struggled, all finishing 20th or worse.

    “How about that post-Xfinity race brawl between Ty Gibbs and Sam Mayer?” Busch said. “I’ve been on both sides of that situation. I can relate to Ty’s feelings because I’ve been mad enough to take a swing at a fellow driver. I can relate to Sam’s predicament because I also have a punchable face.”