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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole at Richmond and finished seventh.

    “That’s two straight poles for me,” Blaney said, “and my third this season. I’m collecting Busch Light Pole Awards faster than I can get rid of them in yard sales.”

    2. Chase Elliott: Elliott started strong at Richmond but experienced handling issues in the final stage that kept him out of the top 10. He finished 14th and is tied with Ryan Blaney atop the points standings.

    “The No. 9 Chevy was just good,” Elliott said, “but not great. What my car needed was a shot of adrenaline, much like ‘A Shoc’ performance energy drink would provide for a person, or Brad Keselowski’s mechanic would provide for his engine.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 80 laps and won Stage 2 at Richmond on his way to a fourth-place finish, posting his first top-five of the season.

    “Just when you think you’ve heard it all in NASCAR,” Truex said, “the term ‘pit stop choreography’ became a thing at Richmond. Let’s be honest, footwork is an important part of all aspects of racing. For example, I’d like to take my right foot and work it towards the behind of my crew chief James Small, who screwed up our pit strategy at Richmond.”

    4. William Byron: Byron led 122 laps at Richmond but couldn’t hold off the fresh tires of Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota down the stretch. Byron held on for third and is fourth in the points standings.

    “If you’re on old tires at Richmond,” Byron said, “you’re a ‘sitting duck.’ If you can’t handle your alcohol and pass out in the bleachers without sunblock, you’re also a sitting duck. And you’ll likely leave with a sunburn and one less eyebrow.

    “I had the Liberty University paint scheme on my No. 24 Chevy. When that’s on your car and you’re leading, everybody’s watching, including Jerry Falwell, Jr.”

    5. Ross Chastain: Chastain, last week’s winner at COTA, recorded a 19th at Richmond, one lap down to the leaders.

    “It just wasn’t my day,” Chastain said. “I’m frustrated. But my day wasn’t altogether ‘fruitless,’ because, just as was the case a week ago at COTA, I smashed a watermelon. But this time, it was out of frustration.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home eighth in the Toyota Owners 400 for his fourth top 10 of the year.

    “Congratulations to Denny Hamlin for winning the race,” Bowman said. “He had a slow start to the season, but Denny kept working hard knowing wins would come his way. You could say he ‘got what was coming to him,’ which is something Denny is dying to say about me.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th at Richmond, one lap down.

    “We’re off to Martinsville for a Saturday night race and the renowned half-mile track,” Logano said. “I always look forward to racing there, especially when I’m not looking behind me for Matt Kenseth.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin passed William Byron with five laps remaining and held off Kevin Harvick to win the Toyota Owners 400 Richmond. It was Hamlin’s first win of the year as well as his first top 10 of the year.

    “You could say I got the ‘monkey’ off my back,” Hamlin said. “Unfortunately, that monkey was on the back of another larger monkey, which is still on my back. And has paid rent through mid-November.”

    9. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished 11th at Richmond.

    “As expected,” Briscoe said, “tire management was a big factor in the race. It’s one thing to ‘nurse’ your tires; it’s another thing to ‘doctor’ your tires, which is something you’d expect Brad Keselowski’s team to do.”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick surged late and chased eventual race winner Denny Hamlin to the line at Richmond. Harvick settled for the runner-up spot, his best finish of the year.

    “I was hoping to get close enough to Hamlin to ‘take a swipe’ at him,” Harvick said. “Does that mean I was going to wreck him? Maybe, but really what I hoped to gain by saying ‘take a swipe’ was a sweet sponsorship deal with a credit card company.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott was a factor at COTA for most of the day and finished 4th.

    “I’d like to apologize to Kyle Busch for spinning him early in the race,” Elliott said. “Hopefully, I’ll set a good example for Kyle. Probably won’t work though. What’s even less likely than Kyle apologizing for something? Him accepting an apology.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain came out on top in a thrilling final two laps at COTA, bumping A.J. Allmendinger into Alex Bowman to take the lead and secure the win.

    “That was my first win in the NASCAR Cup series,” Chastain said. “There was also another first: it was the first time an indoor skydiving sponsor appeared on any NASCAR ride. It’s called ‘iFly,’ and is for those who think real skydiving is ‘iffy.’

    “But if anyone has a problem with the way I won, they can enjoy, on my dime, an outdoor skydiving adventure, without a parachute.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole and finished 6th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix at COTA, posting his 3rd top 10 of the season.

    “Congratulations to Ross Chastain,” Blaney said. “I was impressed by his driving, and even more impressed by his victory celebration, which was spiking a watermelon from atop his car. Apparently, that watermelon is the only thing he treats worse than the cars in front of him.”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman briefly led on a wild final lap at COTA before he was bumped out of the front when Ross Chastain slapped A.J. Allmendinger into Bowman. Bowman recovered to finish second.

    “Chastain really did a number on A.J. and myself,” Bowman said. “As Denny Hamlin might say, he ‘absolutely hacked’ us.

    “And speaking of Denny Hamlin, he’s 24th in the points standings. So basically, he needs a win to get into the playoffs. And I have no doubt he’ll get it, as long as it’s not the last race of the season.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano struggled in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix at COTA, suffering three spins and limping home with a 31st-place finish.

    “My former teammate Brad Keselowski’s team received a huge penalty for a rules violation,” Logano said. “They ‘modified a single-source supply part.’ Those five words sound a little technical, so here is another five words that says the same thing: ‘You cheated and got caught.’”

    6. William Byron: Byron came home 12th at COTA as Hendrick Motorsports placed three drivers in the top 12.

    “There were quite a few ‘road course ringers’ in the race,” Byron said. “One of them was a driver named ‘Joey Hand’ in the race. That’s ‘Joey Hand,’ not to be confused with the late Mafia capo ‘Joey Hands,’ a name which is as Mafia as it gets, much like ‘Dick Trickle’ is a name which is as NASCAR as it gets.”

    7. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe was challenging for the win late at COTA, but was shuffled back on a restart and then fell further back when he pitted for fresh tires. He finished 30th.

    “Sure I’m disappointed,” Briscoe said. “But at least my hero and car owner Tony Stewart was in the Fox broadcasting booth. I know Tony has to get fidgety standing in a booth for four hours. For one thing, he’s not sitting in a car, but what’s even worse for Tony is he has to go that long without cursing.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took new tires late and surged through the field to place a solid 7th-place finish.

    “Fresh tires mean everything in the sport of NASCAR,” Truex said. “And, with each winner this year being under 30, fresh faces mean everything in this sport.

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 19th at COTA, and after three straight top 10’s to begin the season, has failed to crack the top 10 in his last three races.

    “Wrestling great ‘The Undertaker’ rode along in the pace car,” Almirola said. “That had to be frightening for the pace car driver. You don’t want to be stuck in a car with a ‘dead man,’ and certainly not if he ‘R.I.P.’s‘ a fart.”

    10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick started 4th and finished 5th at COTA, and is 10the in the points standings.

    “It’s a good finish,” Reddick said, “but I feel like I had a car good enough to win. Of course, having 3CHI as my primary sponsor means I feel like I should always finish higher.

    “And speaking of ‘3CHI,’ I think they’re expanding to the edible food market, with a delicious product called ‘3CHI’s Pizza.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Folds Of Honor Qwik Trip 500 at Atlanta.

    “Atlanta gives fans superspeedway racing on a small scale,” Logano said. “Warm and sunny weather indicates that shirtless fans’ bellies still come in the large scale.”

    2. William Byron: Byron led a race-high 111 laps and sailed to the win at Atlanta, giving Hendrick Motorsports its third win this year.

    “Contrary to what the actions of two of our drivers may indicate,” Byron said, “Hendrick Motorsports is a tightly-knit, cohesive, and always-friendly group. The only ‘ill will’ in this organization is me when I don’t get enough sleep. Or, at least that’s what Rick Hendrick would like me to say in public.”

    3. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe started on the pole and finished 15th at Atlanta.

    “I’m just glad I made it to the finish line,” Briscoe said. “As you saw, there were a lot of wrecks and spins. But for once this season, Brad Keselowski wasn’t involved in any of them. It just goes to show, there’s chaos, and then there’s ‘K-os.’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished sixth at Atlanta.

    “I think the racing at Atlanta was incredible,” Elliott said, “for fans in attendance, as well as those watching on television. There were 46 lead changes. Usually, if you’re watching at home, there are at least 46 channel changes.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 and was contending for the win late before contact with Bubba Wallace sent Blaney into the outside wall. Blaney finished 17th.

    “Bubba may drive the McDonald’s car,” Blaney said, “but I’m definitely not loving it. But that’s the nature of fast tracks like Atlanta’s: you just never know when you’re gonna get taken out by the ‘Big One,’ or, in this case, the ‘Big Mac.’”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led five laps and finished eighth in the Folds Of Honor Qwik Trip 500.

    “Atlanta Motor Speedway was recently resurfaced,” Truex said. “Many of us are wondering when Denny Hamlin will ‘resurface’ this season.”

    7. Aric Almirola: Almirola was running in the top five late before being bumped into a spin. He recovered to finish 22nd.

    “We would have loved to have a top-10 finish,” Almirola said. “That’s what our sponsors want to see as well. Especially Smithfield. Those guys party when we do well. If we’re lucky enough to win, it’s a downright sausage fest.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch survived a major accident on Lap 145 and recovered to finish third at Atlanta, his second top-five of the season.

    “And speaking of ‘major accidents,’” Busch said, “my younger brother Kyle was one, if you listen to my parents, which Kyle does not. They shouldn’t feel bad, though, because Kyle doesn’t listen to anyone.”

    9. Kyle Larson: While getting a push from Denny Hamlin on lap 212, Larson spun and hit the wall, ending his day. He finished 30th.

    “I’m not going to blame Denny for the incident,” Larson said. “But I will say this: some of us wear crowns, while others wear dunce caps.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 35th after wrecking with Austin Dillon in Stage 1. Busch was able to continue but called it a day after 171 laps.

    “It’s early retirements like this,” Busch said, “that make me consider early retirement.

    “Now, did I refuse to apologize to Austin Dillon for my part in wrecking him? I did not. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry. Heck, ask anybody around here. They’ll tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I’m the ‘sorriest.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe used a quick late pit stop and nailed two restarts to win the Rouff Mortgage 500 at Phoenix, securing his spot in the NASCAR playoffs.

    “I became the 200th winner in NASCAR’s history,” Briscoe said. “And I’m proud to drive for Stewart-Haas Racing. Tony Stewart was my childhood hero. As a kid, I would eat, breathe, and sleep racing. And just like Tony, the eating part was my favorite.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Las Vegas.

    “The restarts at Phoenix were wild,” Logano said. “Turn 1 is wide enough for cars to take several different lines. In essence, NASCAR is encouraging drivers to ‘cut corners,’ much like the lame punishment of starting in the back for unapproved adjustments encourages drivers to ‘cut corners.’”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole at Phoenix and won Stage 2 on his way to a fourth-place finish in the Rouff Mortgage 500.

    “I also was fastest in Saturday’s practice,” Blaney said, “and I led the most laps in Sunday’s race. Combine that with the pole and Stage 2 win, and you could say we checked all the boxes, except one.”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson broke a valve spring with about 74 laps remaining and limped home to a 34th-place finish.

    “With a championship last year,” Larson said, “and a win already this year, we were operating under the motto ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ That obviously changed.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Phoenix.

    “I realize I was wrong to criticize Alex Bowman for his lucky win at Las Vegas,” Busch said. “I should be more complimentary, so here goes: I think every driver at Phoenix performed well. In fact, I would give all of them a passing grade for the race. In other words, my stance on other drivers is this: ‘zero F’s given.’”

    6. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 12th, his first finish outside the top 10 this year.

    “You could say I’m ‘flying under the radar,’” Almirola said. “Apparently, the ‘radar’ gauges drivers with an actual chance of winning a Cup championship.”

    7. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished third in the Rouff Mortgage 500

    “I think it’s a brilliant strategy for NASCAR to have a race sponsored by a home loan financing company,” Reddick said. “It may be the only way to draw more ‘interest’ in the sport.”

    8. Chase Elliott: After challenging for the win with about 25 laps remaining, Elliott faltered with a slow pit stop and a spin on the backstretch. He finished a disappointing 11th.

    “This just goes to show,” Elliott said, “that I don’t need anyone else to cost me a win, because me and my team are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves.

    “Alex Bowman was driving the ‘Best Friends’ No. 48 Chevrolet. That paint scheme describes the animal welfare non-profit organization, and in no way represents my relationship with Kyle Larson.

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Phoenix and tied a Cup record with his 18th straight top 10 at one track.

    “My good friends at Hunt Brothers Pizza were my main sponsor for the race at Phoenix,” Harvick said. “As you know, Hunt Brothers Pizza is arguably the nation’s best gas station pizza. And in these uncertain times, isn’t it nice to know you can get a large Hunt Brothers Pizza for less than a gallon of gas?”

    10. (tie): Martin Truex Jr.: Truex blew a tire on Lap 221 and slammed the wall hard, ending his day at Phoenix. He finished 35th.

    “I was stunned,” Truex said. “Not because of the impact, but because Brad Keselowski had nothing to do with my accident.”

    10. (tie): Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th in the Rouff Mortgage 500.

    “It would have been nice to win two in a row,” Bowman said. “Then I could tell Kyle Busch he was exactly right, because I’d ‘back’ into another win because I’d be back in Victory Lane.

    “But I must say, it’s entertaining to get under Kyle’s skin. As much as I hate to give him props, Kyle’s skin is unmatched by any other driver, because it’s the thinnest and the palest.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson took two tires during the final pit stop and assumed the lead at Las Vegas. But Hendrick teammate Alex Bowman got the best of Larson and took the win as Larson settled for the runner-up spot.

    “Hopefully, I think I’ve smoothed things over with Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “We may not see eye to eye, mostly because Chase insists things should be an eye for an eye.

    “But one thing we can agree on is the use of the abbreviation ‘MF.’ Of course, our meanings of the abbreviation differ greatly. All I can tell you is to me, it means ‘my fault.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: After a spin into the wall in Saturday practice, Busch was forced to resort to a backup car on Sunday. He steadily made his way to the front and led with three laps to go before a late caution ultimately cost him the win.

    “Nothing is more upsetting than ruining your primary car in practice,” Busch said. “Trust me, I was in a panic after that. My car may have had ‘Ethel M Chocolates’ on it, but my driver’s suit had ‘Fudge Stripe’ in it.

    “But Erik Jones really screwed us when he lost control and caused that final caution. Erik used to be a Joe Gibbs Racing driver. Apparently, whether driving for JGR or not, Erik is still a liability.”

    3. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex surged late and was battling with Kyle Busch for the win when a caution flew with two laps to go. Truex and Busch took four tires but lost track position, and Truex eventually finished eighth.

    “My battle with Kyle should have been for the win,” Truex said. “That’s what racing is all about. Two of NASCAR’s all-time bests going head to head. Some would call it ‘great versus great.’ Others would call it ‘good versus evil.’”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman out-dragged Kyle Larson after a late restart and held on to win the Pennzoil 400.

    “I think I speak for most, but not all, of Hendrick Motorsports drivers when I say nothing is safer than racing side by side with Kyle Larson with the outcome on the line, ” Bowman said.

    5. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished sixth in the Pennzoil 400 and is the only driver with a top 10 finish in all three races this year.

    “That’s called ‘consistency,’” Almirola said. “And as the NASCAR playoff format, and Mark Martin can tell you, consistency will get you nowhere.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th at Las Vegas and is third in the points standings.

    “The average age of this season’s three race-winners is approximately 27,” Logano said. “As a 31-year-old, that makes me feel somewhat ancient. But they all have something I want, which is a race victory, as well as a non-receding hairline and 20/20 vision.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected when Brad Keselowski got loose and spun on lap 104. Blaney finished 36th.

    “Brad just seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Blaney said. “Or I should say, given his history of accidents this year, Brad seems to be in the wrong place every time.”

    8. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished 11th at Las Vegas and is ninth in the points standings.

    “How about this ‘Next Generation’ car?” Dillon said. “And how about these ‘Next Generation’ sponsors? Like Tyler Reddick’s sponsor, 3Chi, which is a supplier of cannabinoids. Cannabinoids is just a fancy way of saying ‘marijuana,’ much like ‘dysentery’ is a fancy way of saying ‘Martinsville hot dog.’”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished ninth at Las Vegas.

    “Did Kyle Larson really not see me when he ran me into the wall at Fontana?” Elliott said. “Maybe. Did I spin on purpose after that incident in an attempt to ruin Larson’s shot at winning? I won’t dignify that with an answer, but I will say that I went to a casino with Clint Bowyer, where we played roulette, and we both did, in fact, ‘intentionally’ spin the roulette wheel.”

    10. Austin Cindric: Daytona 500 champ Cindric finished 19th ay Las Vegas.

    “Denny Hamlin broke a gear on Lap 219,” Cindric said. “And a lot of drivers sarcastically said to Denny, ‘You’ve got no gears.’ And Denny of course replied, ‘No shift, Sherlock.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson took the lead with two laps remaining and held on for his second career win at California.

    “Racing in clean air was key,” Larson said. “And that might be the only time ‘clean air’ is used in connection with California.

    “I’m sure Chase Elliott is not happy with me. I unintentionally sent him into the wall late in the race. It was an honest mistake. Using the word ‘unintentionally’ was not an honest mistake, because it was a lie.”

    2. Austin Cindric: Cindric started on the pole at California and finished 12th.

    “I think I’ve proved that I’m a force to be reckoned with,” Cindric said. “Brad Keselowski has proven that he’s a force to be wrecked with.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Wise Power 400.

    “Matt Kenseth radioed me from the Fox broadcast booth,” Logano said. “As was the case after he wrecked me at Martinsville in 2015, my words to him were, ‘I get the message loud and clear.’”

    4. Aric Almirola: Almirola survived a late spin and came home sixth at California.

    “Mine wasn’t the only spin,” Almirola said. “There were several drivers that lost it with no help from anyone. I guess spinning out on your own is one way a driver can emulate Jimmie Johnson. Unfortunately, they’re emulating Jimmie Johnson the Indy Car driver, and not Jimmie Johnson the seven-time Cup champion.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney faded late and finished 18th in the Wise Power 400.

    “The race winner at California gets a surfboard trophy,” Blaney said. “It used to be that the fans at California were the only ones that got ‘bored.’

    “But things have changed, it appears. Sunday’s race saw a lot of close racing, blown tires, cautions, etc. All it lacked were punches thrown. Maybe that will come in the Hendrick team meeting when Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott discuss their on-track incident. I can’t think of a better place to be a fly on the wall. I can think of worse places to be a fly on the wall, and that’s any public restroom used by NASCAR fans.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started 12th and finished 13th at California, scoring the best result for Joe Gibbs Racing.

    “I think we put on a great show for the fans in Fontana,” Truex said. “And they showed their appreciation. If the fans in Sonoma are the ‘wine and cheese’ crowd, then the fans in Fontana are the ‘fortified win and macaroni and cheese’ crowd.”

    7. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished second at California after battling late in the race with Kyle Larson and Danie Suarez.

    “I had a really good view of the Larson-Chase Elliott dustup,” Dillon said. “I can see why Chase was irate. His radio communication was quite colorful, to say the least. Depending on who you ask, Chase either blew a fuse or dropped a bunch of ‘FU’s,’ or both.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch fell five laps down early due to an overheating issue, but methodically worked his way back to the lead lap and salvaged a 14th-place finish.

    “Credit goes to my crew for their efforts,” Busch said, “as well as all the drivers responsible for the wreck and spins that resulted in 12 cautions. And that, my friend, is the extent to which I’m able to give a fellow driver credit for anything.

    “It looks like Kyle Larson is back to his winning ways. When all is said and done this year, Kyle might be called a ‘repeat champion.’ That’s assuming he can distinguish what to repeat and what not to repeat.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took seventh at California.

    “The No. 4 Subway Ford was strong,” Harvick said. “And speaking of Subway, they’ve been a partner of mine for less than a year. That doesn’t even compare to Busch Light, with whom I’ve had a partnership with for over five years. Eventually, I hope my partnership with Busch beer lasts longer than that of most alcoholics.”

    10. (tie): Daniel Suarez: Suarez took the lead with about three laps to go at California, but couldn’t hold off Kyle Larson, who zipped past Suarez after a big run and held on for the win. Suarez finished fourth.

    “The name ‘Kid Rock’ was emblazoned on the hood of my car in connection with my sponsor deal with Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge,” Suarez said. “That tells you two things: Kid Rock doesn’t know where I’m from, and I don’t know anything about Kid Rock.”

    10. (tie): Chase Elliott: Elliott was battling for the lead with Kyle Larson and Daniel Suarez late when Larson inadvertently ran Elliott into the wall and out of contention. Elliott limped home with a 26th-place finish.

    “Kyle Larson needs to watch where he’s going,” Elliott said, “which is, in fact, to the playoffs.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional

    1. Austin Cindric: Cindric held off Bubba Wallace and teammate Ryan Blaney to win the Daytona 500 in his first Daytona start.

    “I’m only 23 years old,” Cindric said. “To achieve the greatest accomplishment of one’s life at that age is simply amazing. If that’s still the case 32 years from now, then I’ll officially change my name to ‘Derrick Cope.’”

    “Historically, the Daytona 500 is known as the ‘Great American Race.’ Currently, it’s known as the ‘Greatest Collection of ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ Merchandise In The World.’”

    2. Bubba Wallace: Wallace finished second at Daytona, matching his career-best 500 finish.

    “‘Second’ is a word that’s rarely used by Michael Jordan,” Wallace said, ‘unless it’s used in the following context: ‘Give me one second, while I place another bet.’

    “My crew chief is Bootie Barber. So, any communication between him and I is technically a ‘Bootie call.’ No matter what happens this season, I’ll still never have more ‘bootie calls’ than Tim Richmond.

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home fourth at Daytona as Penske Racing teammate Austin Cindric took the win.

    “Congratulations to Austin,” Blaney said. “And congratulations to Roger Penske. Roger’s 85th birthday was Sunday. Roger’s a legend in auto racing across many series and is the greatest car owner in auto racing. No other car owner can hold a candle to Roger, much less 85.”

    4. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fifth at Daytona.

    “NASCAR started the season with the Busch Clash in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum,” Almirola said. “That track was tiny. I’ve seen bigger circles in a pack of Lifesavers or under the eyes of anyone who’s awoken in the Daytona infield after a day and/or night of drinking with Clint Bowyer.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led a race-high 67 laps and finished ninth at Daytona in his first points race as driver/owner for Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing.

    “I feel great being a part of re-igniting Roush Fenway,” Keselowski said. “It may sound difficult, but it’s really not, because re-igniting something that’s already on fire is easy, and Roush Fenway was a dumpster fire.”

    6. Michael McDowell: McDowell started sixth and finished seventh at Daytona in the No. 34 Front Row Motorsports Mustang.

    “Fox Corporation CEO Lachlan Murdoch waved the green flag to start the race,” McDowell said. “As you would expect in a race green-flagged by him, there was a lot of ‘spin.’”

    7. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished fourth in the Daytona 500 in the No. 14 Stewart-Haas Racing Ford Mustang.

    “I hope I made Tony Stewart proud,” Briscoe said. “Tony was in the booth with Mike Joy and Clint Bowyer calling the race for Fox. I think Tony’s a natural in front of the camera. They say ‘the camera adds ten pounds.’ Tony absolutely agrees with that. That way, he doesn’t have to blame it on his diet.” 

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Daytona and remained winless in Daytona 500’s.

    “I’m now 0-17 in Daytona 500 races,” Busch said. “Personally, I’m looking forward to the ‘Next Generation,’ because I’ve already gone through one without winning the 500.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 10th at Daytona and was the only Chevrolet driver in the top 10.

    “I’m just happy the No. 9 NAPA Chevy finished the race in one piece,” Elliott said. “Obviously, I was able to steer clear of Brad Keselowski. How many cars did he wreck? Now that Brad is an owner and a driver, it’s clear he’s the ‘total’ package.”

    10. David Ragan: Ragan finished eighth at Daytona after avoiding several accidents until being caught up in a final-lap crash after crossing the finish line.

    “I,” Ragan said, “like 38 other drivers, was just happy to survive…a race that Brad Keselowski was in.

    “Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a new NASCAR owner. Kaz Grala drives the No. 50 car for The Money Team Racing. I don’t know much about Kaz Grala, but I can tell you this – Any car associated with Mayweather will never knock anyone out, and can only win on points. And should also have its financials reviewed by a competent accountant.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson used a quick late pit stop to take the lead at Phoenix, and held on to win and claim his first Cup championship.

    “I owe it all to my pit crew,” Larson said. “On that last stop, I came in fourth and left in first. I call that ‘service with a smile,’ with the smile being mine.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Phoenix, again coming up short in his quest to win his first championship.

    “It just wasn’t to be,” Hamlin said. “Maybe I’m just cursed. That’s a real possibility because if you took a poll of NASCAR fans, about 85% of them would say they have ‘cursed’ me, often more than once.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Phoenix.

    “I was going for my second Cup championship in a row,” Elliott said. “So, I was going for the repeat. Kyle Larson has spent the last two years trying not to ‘repeat.’”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Phoenix.

    “NASCAR told me I have to take sensitivity training,” Busch said. “That came after I used the ‘R’ word after Martinsville. Fortunately, they told me I only have to take it, and not necessarily pass it.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came up just short at Phoenix, finishing second to race winner and Cup champion, Kyle Larson.

    “It stings to come this close,” Truex said. “I finished less than a second behind Larson, yet I feel like I was five laps behind him. I guess what I’m saying is it sucks to feel like Quin Houff.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 11th at Phoenix.

    “Three of the championship drivers’ crew chiefs were ejected for multiple inspection failures,” Logano said. “NASCAR is a competitive sport, so you really have to cheat to win. And you have to deal with the consequences, which is being called a cheater. That doesn’t bother most drivers. We have very thick skin, especially on our wrists, which get slapped all the time.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth in the Xfinity 500 at Phoenix.

    “Next year,” Blaney said, “I’m dedicating myself to winning the championship. Up until that point, I’m going to try really hard to convince myself to believe that.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Phoenix.

    “This was my final race for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “It would have been nice to go out with a win. But I didn’t. So, I didn’t go out with a bang. Instead, I went out with a ‘Dang!’”

    9. William Byron: Byron finished 17th at Phoenix.

    “If Kyle Busch has to take sensitivity training,” Byron said, “should everyone else be required to take training on how not to be like Kyle Busch?”

    10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 18th in the Xfinity 500 at Phoenix.

    “I was born in Tucson, Arizona,” Bowman said. “So, this is my home race. And that made Denny Hamlin an enemy of the state.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson suffered a pit road speeding penalty and finished 14th at Martinsville.

    “They call Martinsville’s half-mile track the ‘Paperclip,’” Elliott said. “And it’s a ‘staple’ on the NASCAR schedule.”

    “My confidence is at an all-time high. I’m going to Phoenix with the intention of taking what is rightfully mine, which is the 2021 Cup championship. I hope my confidence doesn’t come off as arrogance. The last thing I want to do is say something I’m going to regret.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was leading at Martinsville with six laps to go when Alex Bowman slid up into Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota, sending it into the wall. Hamlin finished 24th, which was still good enough to advance him to the final round.

    “I tried to block Bowman’s victory burnout,” Hamlin said. “But that’s not my final revenge. If he’s gonna steal a grandfather clock from me, I’m gonna ‘take my time’ and plan an elaborate revenge scenario. He won’t know what hit him. Well, actually he will.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 16th in the Xfinity 500 and clinched a spot in the championship round.

    “I actually clinched a spot after sweeping the first two stages,” Elliott said. “That has to be the first time I’ve said ‘my day is done’ with 240 laps left and I was happy about it.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano came home 10th at Martinsville, which wasn’t good enough to advance as a championship contender.

    “As you would expect,” Logano said, “I feel ‘left out.’ Not necessarily left out of the playoffs, but out of these developing feuds that will almost certainly carry over into next year. I just don’t feel like myself when I’m not battling for a championship, and also don’t feel like myself when I’m not the object of hatred.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Martinsville, but it wasn’t enough to advance to the championship round. Busch tangled with Brad Keselowski on the final lap, and the two traded insults in interviews after the race.

    “I know Brad’s going to Roush Fenway Racing next season,” Busch said, “but he’ll always be a big ‘No. 2’ in my book.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Martinsville, and tangled with Kyle Busch on the final lap.

    “Kyle and I talked trash back and forth after the race,” Keselowski said. “That’s pretty much what Cup Series feuds have become—drivers talking a lot of smack, but no actual smack ever occurring.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman spun Denny Hamlin from the lead and went on to win the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville.

    “Not only did I cost Denny the win,” Bowman said, “I prevented Kyle Busch and Brad Keselowski from advancing. I don’t deserve criticism; I deserve praise, for keeping two a-holes out of the championship round.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex eked out a fourth-place finish at Martinsville despite a damaged car that tagged the wall on lap 471 after contact with Aric Almirola. Truex nabbed the final playoff transfer spot.

    “When you put 40 cars on a half-mile track,” Truex said, “there’s bound to be 20 that don’t belong there. One of those was Aric Almirola. He put me into the wall in the car with ‘IHOP’ on it. Luckily, for him, I still advanced. I just might go to IHOP and have myself a ‘Breakfast Of Potential Champion.’ Aric can just ‘eat it.’”

    9. William Byron: Byron finished fifth at Martinsville, posting his 12th top five of the season.

    “It was Halloween,” Byron said, “and a lot of drivers experienced scares. But if you really want a Halloween scare at Martinsville, then ask for the ingredients list of a Martinsville hot dog.”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 11th at Martinsville and failed to advance in the playoffs.

    “Penske Racing won’t have a car in the Final 4,” Blaney said. “That’s sad, but I expect a Penske car will have an ‘impact’ on the championship round, probably when Brad Keselowski and Kyle Busch continue their feud at Phoenix and take out a championship driver.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson won the Hollywood Casino 400 at Kansas Speedway, winning his third consecutive race.

    “I’m looking forward to a nice, leisurely drive at Martinsville,” Larson said. “On my bicycle, on Saturday.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Kansas and heads to Martinsville in third place in the playoff standings.

    “Martinsville is my home track,” Hamlin said, “so I’m going there with the goal to both bring it home and send home four drivers.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott tried to chase down Kyle Larson late at Kansas, but couldn’t get close after hitting the wall. Elliott finished second and is second in the playoff standings.

    “We’ve all been chasing Kyle this year,” Elliott said. “And we’re all hitting walls, both literally and figuratively. If Kyle wins at Martinsville and then doesn’t win at Phoenix, I bet he’ll be extremely mad, or, in other words, ‘huge upset.’”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was wrecked when Austin Dillon made contact with 44 laps remaining at Kansas. Blaney finished 37th and is fifth in the point standings.

    “I’m not sure what Dillon was thinking,” Blaney said. “I’m not even sure if he was thinking. Is there any point in getting revenge on a non-playoff driver? I mean, what does Dillon have to lose, except pretty much every race he enters?”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Kansas and likely needs a win at Martinsville to advance to the championship round.

    “I like my chances to win at Martinsville,” Logano said. “I like my chances even more if I can get a signed affidavit verifying that Matt Kenseth won’t be there.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch hit the wall twice at Kansas and limped to a 28th-place finish. He is fourth in the playoff standings.

    “I did a lot of yelling over my team radio,” Busch said. “I know it’s not cool, but I’m trying to work on my attitude. In short, I need to temper my tantrums.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “Nothing would have made me happier,” Harvick said, “than to tap Chase Elliott’s bumper three times, knock him out of the race, and say ‘You’re not in Kansas anymore.’

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “We’re going to need a big day at Martinsville,” Truex said. “With massive amounts of pressure on me, it’s up to me to drive my best and produce. So, I’m gonna have to come through not only in the clutch but also in the brake and gas pedals.”

    9. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Kansas.

    “I’m not in the playoffs,” Byron said, “but I can only imagine the pressure and anxiety playoff drivers are going to feel at Martinsville. Their stomachs are going to be in knots. If fans want to experience that same feeling, they can eat a Martinsville hot dog.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled at Kansas, finishing a lap down in 17th. He is seventh in the playoff standings.

    “Martinsville is going to be a madhouse,” Keselowski said. “I predict wrecks, fights, and feuding. It’s going to be hell on the drivers, but the fans should absolutely love it. I think the state of Virginia should change its motto to ‘Virginia is for lovers of chaos.’”