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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson took charge in Stage 3 and held off Chase Elliott to win at Watkins Glen, earning his fifth win of the season.

    “This was a lot like my win at Sonoma in June,” Larson said. “There, I held off Elliott late, just like I did at Watkins Glen. Trust me, life is so much better when you don’t ‘get caught.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

    “Michael Jordan was at the race,” Hamlin said. “He was watching from the pits of Bubba Wallace’s No. 23 car, which we co-own. When Michael heard he’d be watching from the ‘pits,’ he got really excited, because he thought it would be in a casino.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started from the rear and almost pulled off the “worst-to-first” win, but couldn’t catch Hendrick teammate Kyle Larson, who scored his fifth win.

    “I failed pre-race inspection twice,” Elliott said. “Yeah, I said ‘twice.’ That’s a big ‘no-no.’ In any case, I had to start at the rear and my crew chief Alan Gustafson was ejected. Did it matter? Not really. I still was able to almost win the race, despite the penalties. Do I feel guilty about that? Yes, way more guilty than I feel about actually committing the penalties.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2 and finished a strong third at Watkins Glen.

    “I’m disappointed,” Truex said. “Mostly because I didn’t fail inspection twice, didn’t have my crew chief ejected, and didn’t start from the rear, yet I still finished behind the guy who did. It’s hard to have a meaningful penalty in NASCAR when they are actually meaningless.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Watkins Glen, sandwiched between Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Martin Truex Jr. and Denny Hamlin.

    “My brother Kurt is still looking for a ride for next season,” Busch said. “I told him if I hear of a team looking for a driver, I’d let him now. In other words, my ears will be ‘perked up,’ just not surgically.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home 20th at Watkins Glen, the only Hendrick Motorsports driver outside the top-6.

    “How about You Tuber Tyler Hoover giving the ‘Start your engines’ command,” Bowman said. “That voice made me want to start my engine, then get as far away from him as possible. Hey, I like Norwegian death metal just as much as the next guy, but I like my grand marshals a bit more subdued.”

    7. William Byron: Byron finished sixth in the Go Bowling At The Glen as Hendrick Motorsports teammates Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott scrapped for the win.

    “Larson and Elliott really led the way for Hendrick Motorsports,” Byron said. “Those guys dominate road courses. I like to think Alex and I are called the road course ‘B Team’ just because of our last names.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Watkins Glen.

    “Once again,” Harvick said, “my No. 4 Chevy sported the Busch Light Apple paint scheme. If you like Busch, and you like apples, you’re probably a reasonable person. If you like them together, you’re probably insane. But, by all means, buy a 12-pack.”

    9. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 at Watkins Glen and eventually finished 22nd.

    “It was not a good day for Fords at Watkins Glen,” Logano said. “If Henry Ford were alive today, he’d be steaming. Actually, I guess he’d be combusting.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Watkins Glen and finished 35th in the GoBowling At The Glen.

    “I suffered two spins in Stage 1 alone,” Keselowski said. “It was a brake issue, so I told my crew exactly what you’d expect, ‘Make it stop.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson, looking to add to his season wins total of five, finished a disappointing 18th at Atlanta, hindered by a late speeding penalty.

    “I almost got lapped,” Larson said. “It was definitely not my finest moment. That being said, it was also not my worst moment.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at Atlanta.

    “I was penalized for speeding entering the pits midway through the race,” Hamlin said. “One place you won’t see me speeding entering is Victory Lane.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch was strong all day at Atlanta but had to settle for the runner-up position as older brother Kurt took the win.

    “Kurt doesn’t win the race if Ross Chastain doesn’t block for him,” Busch said. “I’ll remember Ross Chastain for this. No, not because I’m out for revenge, but it’s probably the only thing for which Chastain will be remembered.”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Atlanta and finished seventh.

    “I’m still winless at Atlanta Motor Speedway,” Elliott said. “With Georgia being my home state, that’s very disappointing. I’ve had good finishes here; I’ve just never been quite able to bring it home.”

    5. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished fourth in the Quaker State 400, giving Hendrick Motorsports its top finish.

    “We’re used to Kyle Larson being the fastest on this team,” Bowman said, “but ironically, Kyle wasn’t the fastest because he was going too fast.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started from the rear but powered his way to the front and took third.

    “My car failed pre-race inspection twice,” Truex said. “I’d like to tell you we had no idea the car would fail inspection, but that would mean I would fail a lie detector test.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch seized the lead from Kyle Busch on Lap 236 and held his younger brother off the rest of the way, winning at Atlanta and punching his ticket to the playoffs.

    “It was an intense Busch vs. Busch battle,” Busch said. “And you certainly don’t want to come out on the losing end. It reminded me of another Busch vs. Busch battle, from when Kyle and I were kids when our Mom and Dad would battle to determine which parent had to spend time with us. And you definitely didn’t want to come out on that losing end.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th in the Quaker State 400 at Atlanta on a so-so day for Penske Racing.

    “Penske hasn’t won a Cup race since April,” Logano said. “Just to clarify, that’s April of 2021, although it seems longer ago.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Atlanta.

    “We just weren’t very competitive,” Harvick said. “It’s just a shame we couldn’t be a part of that Kurt Busch-Kyle Busch battle. Put my Busch Light car in that scrum, and we’re halfway to a six-pack, which means it’s 7 a.m. somewhere in a NASCAR infield.”

    10. William Byron: Byron struggled at Atlanta and finished 20th in the Quaker State 400.

    “Atlanta is definitely not my favorite track,” Byron said. “In fact, given the choice to ‘take it or leave it,’ I would choose to leave it….off the NASCAR schedule entirely.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Road America

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Road America

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson contended all day at Road America, but was spun out late by Hendrick Motorsports teammate Alex Bowman. Larson eventually finished 16th.

    “Alex apologized,” Larson said. “It was a sincere apology, so Alex, much like his braking into that corner, was ‘truly sorry.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin overcame early brake issues to post a fifth in the Jockey Made In America 250.

    “Kyle Busch had a clutch problem last week at Pocono,” Hamlin said. “I can certainly empathize, because I myself have ‘clutch’ problems, most often in the final race of the season.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started 34th after failing to post a qualifying time, but methodically worked his way into the lead, passing Matt DiBenedetto on Lap 38, and then overtaking Kyle Busch with 17 to go. Elliott then cruised to victory.

    “I wasn’t able to complete a full qualifying lap,” Elliott said. “So, I didn’t even register a lap time, which has to be the ultimate in ‘bad timing.’”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch started 40th but quickly found his way to the front and eventually finished third at Road America.

    “I made my way to the front of the field so fast,” Busch said, “even troopers in Mooresville, North Carolina had to take notice.”

    5. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 22nd at Road America.

    “I made a crucial error and wrecked Kyle Larson late in the race,” Bowman said. “What do you say to a teammate whom you just wrecked? Oddly enough, it’s the same thing you say to your team after a win—‘I did it!’ But maybe leave off the exclamation point.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 15th in the Jockey Made In America 250.

    “As is typical on a road course.” Logano said, “there was a lot of passing. Obviously, a better name for this race would have been the ‘Jockey For Position 250.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex overcame a pit road speeding penalty to record a ninth at Road America.

    “NASCAR raced at Road America for the first time in 65 years,” Truex said. “It’s awesome to be racing here, and in the great state of Wisconsin. Wisconsin is considered part of the ‘heart of America;’ with NASCAR fans here, it’s considered, at least for three days, the ‘heart attack of America.’”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 27th at Road America.

    “The No. 4 Chevrolet sported the Busch Light Apple paint scheme,” Harvick said. “If I’m reluctant to give you my honest opinion of the taste of Busch Light Apple, just tell me to ‘spit it out,’ and I’ll happily oblige.”

    9. William Byron: Byron started on the pole at Road America and was in contention until a late mistake sent him off course. Byron finished a disappointing 33rd.

    “I just made a stupid error,” Byron said, “and it cost me a top-five finish. My No. 24 Liberty University Chevy was set up perfectly. It handled like a dream. Despite having the word ‘Liberty’ on it, the car was anything but ‘free.’”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 13th in the Jockey Made In America 250.

    “A driver named Kyle Tilley drove the No. 78 car,” Keselowski said. “Tilley is from a place called Bath, England. From what I hear, it’s a great place for any NASCAR fans to visit. But first, I suggest they visit Bath, America.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson took second in Sunday’s Visit The Pocono Mountains 350 after falling just short in Saturday’s race.

    “Congratulations to Kyle Busch,” Larson said. “He took a crappy situation and made it great. He did the opposite when he drove the No. 5 car for Hendrick Motorsports.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led late at Pocono but had to pit on the final lap for gas, dropping him to 14th.

    “If we could have had just a few more drops of gas,” Hamlin said, “we certainly would have found another way not to win the race.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch battled transmission issues at Pocono, but played the fuel mileage game perfectly and won the Explore The Pocono Mountains 350.

    “I was stuck in fourth gear and had no clutch,” Busch said. “Despite that, crew chief Adam Stevens told me I could win. I told him he was ‘full of it.’ He said, ‘No, but your fuel tank is.’”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished seventh on Sunday at Pocono, one day after winning Saturday’s Cup race.

    “Jeff Gordon accepted the vice chairman role at Hendrick Motorsports,” Bowman said. “I think everyone expects him to flourish in an executive role. The cycle is nearly complete. Jeff’s gone from ‘Boy Wonder’ to ‘Board Wonder.’”

    5. William Byron: Byron won Stage 2 and led the final stage until he was forced to pit for fuel with two laps remaining. He finished 12th.

    “There’s no worse feeling in racing than coming up short on gas,” Byron said. “Sometimes, when you’re fuel gauge says ‘E,’ what it’s really saying is ‘You’re F‘ed.’”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered a flat right-front tire on lap 102 and fell a lap down. He eventually finished 27th.

    “All three of my Hendrick Motorsports teammates finished in the top 12,” Elliott said. “My finish won me an award HMS likes to call the ‘Rear-Ender Award,’ which means you finished last among the four Hendrick drivers. In other words, it means you’re not Kyle Larson.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth in the Visit The Pocono Mountains 350.

    “I just want to assure fans that you can simultaneously visit the Pocono Mountains,” Harvick said, “and the Mountains Of Busch.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 and finished 11th in the Explore The Pocono Mountains 350.

    “Congratulations to my Joe Gibbs teammate Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “He took lemons and made lemonade. That could be why many people consider Kyle the ‘yellow liquid’ of auto racing.”

    9. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Pocono.

    “I can’t remember the last time I actually felt like I could win,” Logano said. “I just know we need to step it up. Like Kyle Busch, we need to find that extra gear.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home third at Pocono, posting his first top-five since a third at Kansas in early May.

    “I had forgotten what a top five felt like,” Keselowski said. “In fact, I had become accustomed to finishing outside the top 20. Actually, that should help me acclimate pretty easily when I start driving for Roush-Fenway Racing.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson won his third-straight points race, this time crushing the field at Nashville, new to the Cup series calendar.

    “I’m still counting my million from winning the All-Star Race at Texas,” Larson said. “It may be the first time my accountant had to work harder than my publicist.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin had to pit for fuel late at Nashville and eventually finished 22nd.

    “At this point last year,” Hamlin said, “I had 3 wins. At this point last year, Kyle Larson had one big ‘L.’”

    3. William Byron: Byron took third in the Ally 400 at Nashville as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kyle Larson won.

    “Kyle may be winning everything,” Byron said, “but I bet someone else will have the ‘last laugh.’ That someone else will probably be Quin Houff because he finishes last and everyone laughs.”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott won Stage 2 and finished 13th in the Ally 400 at Nashville but was disqualified for having five loose lug nuts in post-race inspection. He was relegated to a last-place finish and had the Stage 2 win taken from him.

    “In light of what Kyle Larson’s done in the last month or so,” Elliott said, “I was just happy to be able to say I won something, emphasis on was.”

    5. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 15th at Nashville, his first result outside the top 10 since Darlington in early May.

    “I signed a contract extension through 2023,” Bowman said. “Add that to my list of ‘signature wins.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Nashville.

    “Nashville is known as the ‘Music City,’” Logano said. “The city where I hear officially that Brad Keselowski is leaving Penske will be known as the ‘Music To My Ears City.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled all day at Nashville and finished a disappointing 23rd in the Ally 400.

    “Kyle Larson led 264 of 300 laps,” Truex said. “He dominated. The Nashville victor is awarded a guitar, but let’s face it, Larson beat us like a drum.’”

    8. Kyle Busch: Kyle Busch finished 11th in the Ally 400.

    “I won my 100th Xfinity series race on Saturday at Nashville,” Busch said. “It feels like Kyle Larson has won his 100th Cup series race.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick ran out of gas on the final lap but was able to coast to a fifth-place finish at Nashville.

    “The No. 4 Chevy sported the ‘Grave Digger’ paint scheme,” Harvick said. “If you’ve been living under a rock, or in a non-mobile home, then you probably don’t know that ‘Grave Digger’ is a monster truck.”

    10. Christopher Bell: Bell finished ninth at Nashville, posting his first top 10 since Richmond in April.

    “NASCAR hired New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara,” Bell said. “His title is ‘growth and engagement manager.’ So, if you’re a small person looking to add muscle and find a spouse, Alvin should be able to help you.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Sonoma and held off Hendrick teammate Chase Elliott on an overtime restart to secure the win in the Toyota/SaveMart 350.

    “It’s awesome to win in my home state,” Larson said. “And there’s nothing like drinking wine out of the winner’s trophy here in Wine Country. And you can equate the grapes used to make this wine with the competition—stomped.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Sonoma.

    “Michael Jordan was at the race,” Bowman said. “He was in the 23XI Racing garage. Luckily, Bubba Wallace has given him no reason to smoke a cigar.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished second to Kyle Larson at Sonoma as Hendrick Motorsports scored its fourth consecutive 1-2 finish.

    “Kyle is in the zone,” Elliott said. “I don’t think there’s anyone who can stop him, except himself. Not only has he put his past behind him, he’s put everyone else behind him.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third in the Toyota/SaveMart 350, rebounding from an uncharacteristic subpar finish in Charlotte.

    “I’d won the last two races at Sonoma,” Truex said. “So, I was looking to make it three in a row. It wasn’t to be. Anyway, it seems that the term ‘three in a row’ is used to describe Hendrick Motorsports’ race wins, or Hendrick Motorsports’ race finishes, or Tim Richmond’s sex life.”

    5. William Byron: Byron was caught in a late accident and finished 16 laps down in 35th.

    “Some drivers just aren’t good at road course racing,” Byron said. “I don’t want to name names, but I’ll name numbers. Those numbers are 42 and 7. And fittingly, after a road course race, that is the ‘circuitous’ way to place blame.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Sonoma as Hendrick Motorsports teammates Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott finished 1-2.

    “Celebrity chef Guy Fieri drove the ceremonial pace car,” Bowman said. “One thing you can count on a celebrity chef ceremonial pace car driver not to do is ‘overcook’ the tires.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano took fourth at Sonoma, posting his seventh top five and third in the last four races.

    “I’m not sure Hendrick Motorsports can be beat,” Logano said. “They’ve won six races this year, and four straight. Apparently, while the rest of us think we’re playing chess, HMS is playing ‘checkers.’”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth at Sonoma, posting his fifth top five of the year.

    “Attendance at Sonoma Raceway was at 33%,” Busch said. “That’s roughly the percentage of people that can tolerate me. And I’m talking about my family, not fans.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was victimized late in an accident triggered by Corey LaJoie and Ross Chastain and finished a disappointing 22nd.

    “Those guys don’t know any better,” Harvick said. “Also, they can’t get any better.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Sonoma, and has now gone five races without a top-10 finish.

    “I guess my heart just isn’t in it,” Keselowski said. “I’m probably leaving Penske Racing at season’s end. That explains why I didn’t ‘fare well.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Charlotte, led the most laps, swept all four stages and won the Coca-Cola 600.

    “You can buy gear commemorating my impressive win in many places,” Larson said. “Just search the internet for ‘dominating fashion.’

    “The ‘Hendrick 1-2-3-4’ almost happened again. Soon, the ‘Hendrick Broom’ could become a phrase used for more than just sweeping Hendrick scandals under the rug.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished a solid seventh at Charlotte, scoring his 11th top-10 result of the year.

    “We never found the right balance for the car,” Hamlin said. “But if you can finish seventh on a bad day, then things aren’t really that bad. Actually, my status hasn’t changed, because I’m still the points leader, and I’m still the best driver never to have won a Cup championship.

    “I’ve never won the Coca-Cola 600. And I’m certainly not the only NASCAR driver to ever be ‘Coked out.’”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott ran up front all day as the four-car Hendrick Motorsports team battled for the win.

    “I employed a new spotter for the Coca-Cola 600,” Elliott said. “Trey Poole is my cousin, and he replaces Eddie D’Hondt, who was indefinitely suspended. Actually, he was definitely suspended. We told Eddie to ‘give it arrest.’”

    4. William Byron: Byron came home fourth in the Coca-Cola 600 as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kyle Larson won convincingly.

    “Kyle has lost several races in which he led the most laps,” Byron said. “It almost happened again, but Kyle held on for the win. Clearly, Kyle doesn’t want history repeating itself just as much as he doesn’t want himself repeating itself.”

    5. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 5th at Charlotte as Hendrick Motorsports took four of the top five spots.

    “Jay Leno served as one of the grand marshals for the race,” Bowman said. “And fittingly, the race was won by the team that made the right adjustments to maximize car performance after the sun set. In other words, the most important part of the race was the ‘Tonight Show.’”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 29th at Charlotte and now has three consecutive finishes of 19th or worse.

    “I had a flat tire late in the race,” Truex said. “And if that wasn’t bad enough, my pit crew had trouble removing the tire from the rim. It’s a helpless feeling sitting in your car knowing you can’t go anywhere. It must be the same feeling Quin Houff gets every week.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Charlotte.

    “We had to make an early pit stop due to a loose wheel,” Harvick said. “And speaking of ‘early pit stops,’ the Hunt Brothers Pizza logo was prominent on the No. 4 Chevy. And like loose wheels, Hunt Brothers Pizza is also a reason for having to make early pit stops.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch started from the rear but quickly established himself as a frontrunner on the way to a third-place finish.

    “I was solely responsible for preventing the Hendrick 1-2-3-4 sweep,” Busch said. “It may be the first time I’ve ever taken responsibility for anything.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski posted an 11th-place finish at Charlotte.

    “The Coca-Cola 600 is a long, grueling race,” Keselowski said. “To put it into perspective, 600 miles is approximately one-tenth the distance that me and Penske Racing are apart in contract negotiations.”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th at Charlotte.

    “It certainly wasn’t a banner day for Penske Racing,” Logano said. “Our lack of performance has really opened my eyes to some things, like how much better Hendrick is than us, and how much work we need to do, and why Brad Keselowski might want to leave Penske.

    “Trackhouse Racing co-owner and rap superstar Pit Bull was at the race. Let’s be real, though. Kyle Larson led 327 laps and won every stage. He may be the real ‘pit bull,’ because he grabbed the lead and wouldn’t let go.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 14th in the EchoPark Texas Grand Prix, only his fourth finish outside the top 10 this season.

    “I’m just happy to make it out of there alive,” Hamlin said. “Like Kevin Harvick said, it was too dangerous to be racing in those conditions. Obviously, visibility was a factor for the drivers and for NASCAR officials, because they apparently couldn’t see jack. But what better place to be shielded from treacherous elements than an ivory tower.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at the Circuit of The Americas as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott took the win.

    “The track at the Circuit of The Americas was built for Formula 1 racing,” Busch said. “Prior to 2014, F1 cars were distinguishable by their engines’ high-pitched whine. Many NASCAR drivers are distinguishable by their high-pitched whines about racing in the rain.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott won the rain-shortened EchoPark Texas Grand Prix after 54 laps, giving Hendrick Motorsports its 268th win, tying Petty Enterprises for most all-time by an organization.

    “I like HMS’s chances to take the top spot outright,” Elliott said. “Why? As you know, Petty Enterprises is defunct. That’s not to be confused with ‘de-funk,’ which is how NASCAR fans sanitize their campers after a weekend at a NASCAR infield.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s day at Cota ended early on Lap 24 when Cole Custer rear-ended him as rain severely limited visibility.

    “Visibility was terrible,” Truex said. “If I had to give it a grade, I would give visibility a ‘C minus.’”

    5. William Byron: Byron suffered an early flat tire at COTA, but recovered to salvage a 12th place finish..

    “I also got rear-ended by Matt DiBenedetto,” Byron said. “There seemed to be a lot of that happening at COTA—drivers wildly ramming into the back of another. And talk about an awkward situation, when the rammee confronts the rammer and asks, ‘How’d your front end get into my back end?’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick crashed hard in the rain on Lap 19 at COTA in a chain-reaction wreck also involving Ryan Blaney, Bubba Wallace, and Christopher Bell. Harvick finished 37th. Afterward, Harvick decried NASCAR’s decision to race in the severely wet conditions.

    “That was the most dangerous racing I’ve ever been involved in,” Harvick said. “Correction. Second-most dangerous. I’ve raced against Kyle Busch when he was mad at me.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 in the EchoPark Texas Grand Prix and finished third, posting his sixth top-five of the season.

    “I think NASCAR fans love wet-weather racing,” Logano said. “They actually cheered when they saw the grooved tires go on. It may be one of the only times you’ll see NASCAR fans fly the ‘Do Tread On Me’ flags.”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished eighth at COTA as Hendrick Motorsports teammates Chase Elliott and Kyle Larson finished 1-2.

    “This was the first NASCAR Cup race at the Circuit of The Americas,” Bowman said. “Say what you will about treacherous conditions, a rain-shortened race and disgruntled drivers, but we certainly ‘made a splash.’”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 2 at COTA and finished 10th.

    “I led 12 laps,” Busch said, “and eclipsed the 18,000 laps led mark. Now, I don’t see myself catching Richard Petty. He led over 51,000 laps in his career. That’s okay, because no one’s ever going to mistake me for a king. The closest I’ve ever come to royalty is being called a ‘princess.’”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished a disappointing 19th in the Texas Grand Prix at COTA.

    “Matthew McConaughey served as grand marshal for Sunday’s race,” Keselowski said. “McConaughey is a superstar, so when he said, ‘Drivers, start your engines,’ the crowd went wild. In other words, the ‘joint was lit.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Dover, posting his tenth top 10 of the season.

    “I unveiled my new racing shoe,” Hamlin said. “It’s called the ‘Jordan Racer 1,’ and it comes with a heat shield built right into the heel. Chances are very good that it will eventually be the hottest shoe on the market.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 19th at Dover, one lap down.

    “It just wasn’t our day,” Truex said. “And that sucks, because I’m really fond of that ‘Miles The Monster’ trophy. Now, I can’t tell you exactly why I like that trophy so much. In other words, I can’t give you a ‘concrete’ reason why it appeals to me.”

    3. William Byron: Byron dealt with early brake issues at Dover, but overcame them on his way to a fourth in the Drydene 400.

    “My brake pedal was going all the way to the floor,” Byron said. “That’s not good, although technically, I did have the ‘pedal to the metal.’”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stages 1 and 2 but couldn’t hold off Hendrick teammate Alex Bowman for the win. Larson finished second as HMS took the top four spots.

    “Losing is the pits,” Larson said. “Oh, did I say ‘Losing is the pits?’ I meant to say ‘Losing in the pits,’ because that’s what we did. Did I say ‘we?’ I meant to say ‘they.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took sixth at Dover and is now eighth in the points standings.

    “It was good to see fans in the stands at Dover,” Harvick said. “Especially some without masks. Now, the fans’ full return won’t be complete until they’re allowed to be out full force in a track infield. And experience tells me that the only way to fully appreciate infield fans is without a mask, because they smell so bad you can taste them.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman won the race off pit road on the final pit stop and led the final 98 laps to win the Drydene 400 at Dover.

    “Hendrick Motorsports cars swept the top four,” Bowman said. “They call that a ‘train,’ and they tell me no one’s run one that well at HMS since Tim Richmond.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski suffered a lug nut mishap late at Dover, which forced an extra pit stop to correct. The lost track position left the driver of the No. 2 Penske Mustang with a 16th-place finish.

    “Did you see the guy dressed as Kyle Busch in the stands?” Keselowski said. “It made my day. Now there’s two Kyle Busch’s I can call an ‘ass.’ That would be called the ‘ass-ass-ination’ of Kyle Busch.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Dover behind the Hendrick Motorsports 1-2-3-4 finish.

    “That’s the epitome of a ‘sweep,’” Logano said. “So, basically, Hendrick took the broom to the rest of us. And speaking of ‘taking a broom,’ that’s also how Teresa Earnhardt traveled.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered early engine issues at Dover and finished 27th, seven laps down, in the Drydene 400.

    “There was a fan in the stands dressed exactly like me,” Busch said. “I’m flattered, but mostly surprised, that anyone would go out of their way to look like me.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Dover as Hendrick Motorsports swept the top four spots.

    “I started from the rear because of multiple inspection failures,” Elliott said. “That seems to be a weekly occurrence for me. You know it may be a problem when NASCAR officials spend as much time under your hood as your mechanics.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex swept Stages 1 and 2 at Darlington and held off Kyle Larson in the closing laps of the final stage to take the win, his third of the year.

    “I could feel Kyle coming,” Truex said. “Heck, I thought he was going to pass me. When he got to within a second, I said a word that needed to be censored, out of my own frustration.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin grazed the wall late at Darlington, but held on to post a fifth in the Goodyear 400.

    “I’m still winless,” Hamlin said, “and it’s very frustrating. Since I can’t win any, I’m offering ‘bonus points’ to anyone who can tell me how to break this slump.”

    3. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Darlington and is third in the points standings.

    “Daytona, Darlington, and Kansas announced that upcoming summer and fall races will be held with fully open grandstands,” Byron said. “And you can best believe the same people that complained about not being able to attend a race will be the same ones complaining that they’re sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with a fellow NASCAR fan.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Darlington.

    “I think all drivers can agree that the ‘higher horsepower-lower downforce’ package is great,” Harvick said. “We all call it the ‘How Tim Richmond Liked His Women.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second in the Goodyear 400 at Darlington after falling just short of catching Martin Truex Jr. in the final stage.

    “I was so close to Truex I could taste it,” Larson said. “But I couldn’t quite get there. Therein lies the difference between me and Truex: ‘I got caught.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished 24th at Darlington.

    “It was true for me on Sunday,” Keselowski said. “Darlington is the track that’s ‘too tough to tame.’ My No. 2 Ford Mustang, at least for the day, was called the car that’s ‘too tough to tame.’ The handling was off all day.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano suffered a pit lane speeding penalty on the final pit stop of the race and finished a disappointing 13th at Darlington.

    “The No. 22 Ford’s paint scheme honored Mario Andretti’s first Formula 1 victory in 1971,” Logano said. “But really, I doubt NASCAR fans care at all about Formula 1, or Formula 2, 3, or 4, for that matter. In other words, it’s a matter of ‘zero F’s given.’”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch overcame an early spin to post a third-place result at Darlington.

    “My car’s paint scheme celebrated M&M’s 80th anniversary,” Busch said. “M&M’s has been a sponsor of mine for years, and I’m sure having their logo on my car has made them millions. So, they’ve really exploited me and my car for their gain. Talk about ‘milk’ chocolate.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Darlington and is eighth in the points standings.

    “My car honored 1992 Cup champion Alan Kulwicki,” Elliott said, “and featured the throwback Hooters paint scheme. Rumor has it that Kulwicki once visited the ‘private back room’ at one particular Hooters, where he allegedly received a ‘Polish victory lap dance.’”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney tagged the wall late while running in the top five and settled for an eighth in the Goodyear 400.

    “NASCAR just revealed the ‘Next Gen’ car,” Blaney said. “At first glance, it looks really cool, sleek, and futuristic. On second glance, it didn’t pass inspection.”