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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stages 1 and 2 at Daytona and finished fifth after a wild finish.

“We lost a lot of ground on our final pit stop,” Hamlin said. “We just didn’t have the drafting numbers that the Fords and Chevrolets enjoyed. You know, the great Tim Richmond was way ahead of his time, because he was known to extol the virtues of having multiple partners. Maybe he wasn’t necessarily talking about drafting partners, but I like to believe Tim’s messages could be applied universally. I won’t even broach the subject of Tim’s opinion of going ‘three wide.’”

2. Michael McDowell: McDowell ran in third place on the final lap and pounced on the winning opening when Penske teammates Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski wrecked battling for the win.

“People often say you need teamwork to win at Daytona,” McDowell said. “It’s true. So, I’d like to thank Logano and Keselowski for their teamwork. As they say, ‘Teamwork makes the dream work.’ If the case of Penske Racing, ‘their teamwork made my dream work, and made their team work, extra hard, to pick up the remains of two destroyed race cars.’”

3. Chase Elliott: Eliott finished second at Daytona as Michael McDowell beat him to the line after a huge last-lap pileup.

“Luke Combs performed before the race on Sunday,” Elliott said. “James Taylor would have been a perfect post-race artist, because there was ‘Fire And Rain.’”

“Pit Bull gave the command to start the engines. If a driver is penalized for speeding on pit lane and doesn’t agree with it, he would call that ‘pit bull.’”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 17 laps and finished fourth in the Daytona 500.

“It was a long day at Daytona,” Harvick said. “Heck, the race started on Valentine’s Day and finished the following day. Despite that, there was no ‘love lost’ between Penske Racing teammates Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s move for the win on the final lap at Daytona was met by a block from Joey Logano. Contact sent the two spinning, resulting in a fiery collision involving multiple cars. Keselowski finished 13th.

“I’m not one to point fingers,” Keselowski said, “because I don’t have enough to indicate the amount of blame Joey deserves. Let’s just say Joey earned quite a few ‘bonus points.’”

6. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished third at Daytona, one of seven Chevrolets in the Top 10.

“That six-hour weather delay was brutal,” Dillon said. “It actually felt longer. In other words, it felt like Fox’s pre-race coverage. And there was just as much ‘hot air.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano led on the final lap but his attempt to block Penske teammate Brad Keselowski took them both out and allowed Michael McDowell to capture an unlikely Daytona 500 win.

“I’m sure Brad is mad at me,” Logano said. “But what really scares me is facing my boss Roger Penske. He’s gonna let me have it. Suffice it to say ‘Sliced Bread’ is ‘toast.’

“Now, I don’t necessarily take responsibility for that final lap chaos. After all, we’re racing in Florida, where there are no income taxes, and, more importantly for me, no consequences for your actions.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 14th at Daytona after a wild finish that saw Busch slam hard into Brad Keselowski, causing a fiery aftermath.

“It’s certainly not the first time Brad and I have had a ‘heated exchange,’” Busch said. “And I can certainly understand why Brad was so ‘hot’ after the race.

“Now, is my brother Kurt retiring soon? I’d say any driver that posts a cryptic video featuring the likes of Vanilla Ice and Rob Gronkowski is likely in the middle of a mid-life crisis, or a fever dream.”

9. Ryan Preece: Preece finished sixth at Daytona.

“What an unlikely win for Michael McDowell,” Preece said. “And speaking of ‘unlikely Daytona 500 winners,’ 1990 Daytona 500 winner Derrick Cope was the first driver out of the race. That wasn’t totally unexpected, because we’ve been saying for years, ‘Derrick Cope should be ‘retiring’ any minute now.’”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 10th in the Daytona 500 in his first race for Hendrick Motorsports.

“Congratulations to Michael McDowell,” Larson said. “I can only imagine how I’d react if I was to become Daytona 500 champion. I’m pretty sure I’d be speechless, just to be safe.

“It’s great to have Michael Jordan in NASCAR. It’s great for business. If you’re looking for a sport to take off in popularity, ‘bet on NASCAR.’ If you’re looking for a car owner to bet on NASCAR, bet on Michael Jordan.’”

February 16, 2021
NASCAR 2021: The Year In Preview

A satirical look at some of the headlines we might see during the 2021 NASCAR Cup Series season.

*FedEx introduces a new “6-Hour Delivery” option, and features it on Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 car at Daytona, and in a television ad, in which Hamlin utters the slogan, “You Have Got To Be Shipping Me.”

Hamlin wins at Daytona on February 14th, and goes on to win his first Cup championship.

*Corey LaJoie has a political revelation and does a complete 180 when his car at Homestead on February 28th sports a “Hindsight Is 2020” slogan.

*The full maturation of Kyle Busch becomes apparent when he is ticketed in Florida in March for driving under the minimum speed limit. It is short-lived, as a frustrated Busch peels out after receiving the ticket and is subsequently charged with reckless driving.

Busch returns to form with six wins on the season and joins Denny Hamlin, Kevin Harvick, and upstart Matt DiBenedetto in the championship round at Phoenix.

*In May, leaked emails reveal that Haylee Deegan’s sensitivity training instructor was none other than Tony Stewart, an eight-time sensitivity training graduate and Professor Emeritus of sensitivity training schools, where he earned the nickname “Dean Of Mean.”

Deegan tangles with John Hunter Nemechek at Bristol on March 27th, sending them both into the wall and out of the race. The two argue, and Nemechek accuses Deegan of calling him the “R” word. Deegan doesn’t deny the allegation and explains that the “R” stood for “Responsible.”

*On May 22nd, Jimmie Johnson fills in for an injured Tony Kanaan and qualifies on the fifth row for the Indianapolis 500, but not before running eight laps around Indy’s 2.5-mile circuit, swimming 50 laps of the infield lake, and biking 20 laps.

Johnson finishes 19th in the 500, and records his best result of the season with a second at Laguna Seca on September 19th.

*Bubba Wallace is listed as a 60-1 longshot to win at Talladega on April 25, odds which attract the attention of team co-owner Michael Jordan. Jordan contemplates placing a $200,000 wager on Wallace to win, and after consulting with Pete Rose on betting ethics, goes against Rose’s advice and decides not to place the bet. After a wreck-filled race, Wallace wins in overtime, and Jordan laments not winning $12 million.

*On March 28th at Bristol, Ryan Blaney takes the dirt track win and celebrates by kissing the track surface. The action triggers a panic attack, caused by the emergence of repressed memories of a traumatic event from 2018 at Martinsville, where Blaney was ninja-smooched on the lips by an overzealous, snuff-dipping super fan.

Blaney wins four races on the year, including his second consecutive Talladega spring race.

*Chase Elliott’s new all-Hooters employees fan club, the “Woo-Hooters,” cheer the defending Cup champion to a six-win season, including three road course wins. Elliott is also the points leader as the championship commences at Darlington.

Elliott fails to advance to the Round Of 8 after spinning late while leading at Charlotte in the Bank Of America ROVAL 400.

*Martin Truex Jr. wins at Watkins Glen on August 8, where an unfortunate typo lists him as the winner of the “Go Blowing At The Glen,” a term that becomes a popular meme and bad news for anyone named “Glen” or “Glenn.”

Truex posts three wins on the year and advances to the Round Of 8 in the playoffs.

*Kevin Harvick wins the Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead on February 28 to take his first win of the year. Harvick celebrates in Victory Circle with a shot of Dixie Vodka chased by a can of Busch Light, a drink Harvick dubs the “Vodka Sonic.”

*A crazed lunatic in a hockey mask terrorizes Martinsville Speedway on October 31 before the running of the Xfinity 500, causing mass panic and a brief track lockdown. As it turns out, the stunt was the brainchild of NBC’s Rutledge Wood in an effort to publicize his new show on the “Shudder” platform called “America’s Most Haunted Sports Cars.”

*At Richmond on April 18th, new Fox commentator Clint Bowyer is accused of obvious bias for his former Stewart-Haas Racing team, and Bowyer again finds himself in another “intentional spin” controversy at Richmond.

*On July 4, Xfinity drivers Harrison Burton and Noah Gragson meet in a four-round charity boxing match that, despite going the distance, somehow features less action than their five-second fistfight at Kentucky Speedway in July of 2020.

The bout, titled “Throw Hands Throw Down,” sports a .01 pay-per-view buy rate, but raises $150,000 and attracts the attention of YouTuber brother/douchebag duo Jake and Logan Paul, who challenge Burton and Gragson to a tag-team contest at All Elite Wrestling’s October Twitter-sponsored PPV, “Trick Or Tweet.”

February 10, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott failed pre-race inspection and started from the back of the field, but powered his way to the win at Phoenix to capture the Cup championship.

“Now,” Elliott said, “I can call myself Cup champion just like my dad. And when we reminisce, he can tell me about the glory days when cigarettes sponsored the Cup. I, in turn, can talk about the times when the Cup had no sponsorship.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano led 125 laps at Phoenix and finished third.

“Winning a championship is in Chase Elliott’s blood,” Logano said. “His dad Bill is a former champion. So, take it from the driver they call ‘Sliced Bread,’ Chase was ‘born and bred‘ to be a champion.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth at Phoenix as Chase Elliott raced to the front for his first Cup championship. Hamlin is now 0-4 in title races.

“That’s something I’m gonna have to live with,” Hamlin said.”That’s people saying, ‘Denny Hamlin can’t win the big one.’ That’s gonna start to sound like a broken record. What’s also a broken record? An 0-4 record in title races.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second at Phoenix, coming up short of winning his second Cup championship.

“We really needed a caution there at the end,” Keselowski said. “Where’s a teammate like Clint Bowyer when you need one?”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh in the Season Finale 500 at Phoenix.

“This just proves that I can produce a top-10 finish in my sleep,” Harvick said. “It also proves that Chase Elliott can dominate in such a fashion that it induces sleep also.”

6. Aric Almirola: Almirola came home 13th at Phoenix.

“Congratulations to Chase Elliott,” Almirola said. “To start at the rear, race to the front, and dominate for the win with everything on the line takes a lot of intestinal fortitude. So not only does Chase have ‘all the marbles,’ he’s got two of the biggest.”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 10th at Phoenix, posting his 23rd top 10 of the season.

“Congratulations to Chase Elliott,” Truex said. “I imagine there has to be some sweet deals at Hooters to celebrate the championship. If objectifying a 24-year-old is your thing, then go for it.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 11th at Phoenix, followed by older brother Kurt in 12th.

“Chase Elliott is 24 years old,” Busch said. “And he’s the oldest of the three champions in NASCAR’s main series. That makes me even more of a crotchety old man, and I’m only 35.”

9. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 16th at Phoenix.

“It was a special day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Bowman said. “Chase Elliott was crowned champion, while Jimmie Johnson said ‘farewell.’ It’s enough to bring a grown man to tears, and an even grown-er man to Indy Car.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fifth at Phoenix in his last Cup race as a full-time driver.

“It was time to move on,” Johnson said. “I’ve been doing this for 19 years, so my parting words are ‘So long.’”

November 9, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott raced his way into the playoff finale with a commanding win at Martinsville.

“This is the biggest win of my career,” Elliott said. “If I can still say that after the race at Phoenix, then you’ll know I’m not the 2020 Cup champion.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Martinsville and will be joined by Chase Elliott, Denny Hamlin and Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski in battle for the Cup at Phoenix.

“2020 has been one of the most trying years in racing,” Logano said. “But if I take the championship in Phoenix, I’m gonna party like it’s 2019.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s championship hopes were dashed with a 17-place finish at Martinsville,

“I turned Kyle Busch on the last lap in a last-ditch effort to gain a position,” Harvick said. “Or maybe I just wrecked Kyle because it makes me feel so darn good.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Martinsville and squeaked his way into the playoffs.

“Luckily,” Hamlin said, “my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Erik Jones didn’t pass me there at the end. If he would have, it would have been the first time a driver was fired twice from a race team.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski overcame a late speeding penalty to finish fourth and qualify for the championship finale at Phoenix.

“The tension was noticeable at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “You could feel it. You could taste it. You could smell it. Interestingly enough, you could say the same thing about a Martinsville hot dog, often two days after you’ve eaten one.”

6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished sixth at Martinsville.

“Bubba Wallace will be driving the No. 23 for Michael Jordan’s race team next season,” Bowman said. “It’s currently unknown who will sponsor the No. 23 car in 2021. I’m sure Jordan will have some big-name sponsors for that car. By the way, when a sponsor places its paint scheme on that No. 23 car, Jordan calls it ‘putting money on.

7. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished seventh in the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville.

“It was a disastrous day for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Almirola said. “Kevin Harvick missed a shot at the Cup championship and Clint Bowyer and myself spun each other. And it all means Tony Stewart won’t be bringing donuts to the drivers’ meeting, or at least to share with others.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished ninth at Martinsville.

“Kevin Harvick spun me just before the finish line,” Busch said. “It’s okay. I know he was trying to make a kamikaze move to miraculously make the championship final. But I guess God wasn’t looking out for Kevin. While he wasn’t touched by an angel, I was ‘touched by an a-hole.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth at Martinsville.

“Kyle Larson has been reinstated,” Busch said. “He’ll be driving the No. 5 car for Hendrick Motorsports next season. I’m not sure what the paint scheme will look like, but I’m guessing the colors will be ‘muted.’”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led as late as lap 457 at Martinsville but a loose wheel forced a pit stop under green, and Truex finished 22nd.

“Congratulations to the four drivers with a chance to win the Cup,” Truex said. “I guess I’m pulling for my JGR teammate Denny Hamlin. I’m not Denny’s biggest fan, but team orders dictate that I have to say that. And I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud, like you would, say, on a radio.”

November 2, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano held off Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win at Kansas and punch his ticket to the championship round at Phoenix.

“Harvick was looming in my rear-view mirror for the last 40 laps,” Logano said. “But I didn’t even notice, because I was looking ahead to Phoenix. And while the heat is on the rest of the playoff field, I’ll be able to chill.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Kansas.

“I just couldn’t find my way around Joey Logano,” Harvick said. “He made passing almost impossible, as did NASCAR’s rules package. It’s almost like the ‘fix’ was in. Maybe the ‘fix’ will be this offseason, when NASCAR can hopefully change the rules to make racing at intermediate tracks more watchable.”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished sixth at Kansas and now finds himself below the playoff cutoff line.

“We’re not hitting the panic button just yet,” Elliott said. “But we are familiarizing ourselves with its whereabouts.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin brushed the wall early at Kansas and eventually finished 15th.

“It’s never a good time to hit the wall,” Hamlin said, “especially in the middle of the NASCAR playoffs. In my defense, it was ‘crunch’ time.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home fourth at Kansas as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win.

“Joey drove a heck of a race,” Keselowski said. “Now, he’s sitting pretty. He’s also sitting in the driver’s seat, as well as the catbird seat.”

6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished third in the Hollywood Casino 400 at Kansas.

“Not many people expected me to make it to the Round Of 8,” Bowman said. “But I proved I belong. And unless I do something big in Texas, it won’t ‘be long’ before I’m out of the playoffs.”

7. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished ninth at Kansas.

“We need a win in the worst way,” Truex said. “So we have to put it all on the line. And, fitting of the state of Texas, we’re going there with guns blazing.”

8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 13th at Kansas, and will need a win in either of the next two races to advance.

“Kyle Larson has filed for reinstatement,” Almirola said. “I think NASCAR will reinstate him, and a top team will sign him, to probably the most ‘carefully worded’ contract in the sport’s history.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Hollywood Casino 400.

“Since I’m out of championship contention,” Busch said, “I’m just going through the motions. Heck, I’d rather not even run the last three races. Honestly, I don’t think anyone would notice if I wasn’t there, especially anyone standing in Victory Lane.”

10. Kurt Busch: Busch’s engine expired on Lap 193 at Kansas and he finished 38th.

“My race came to a halt real quick,” Busch said. “I went from about 750 horsepower to no horsepower. So, ‘Whoa‘ is me.”

October 19, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Charlotte.

“Clint Bowyer is retiring at season’s end,” Harvick said, “and moving to the broadcast booth. Now, Clint’s gonna get paid to never stop talking.”

2. Chase Elliott: Elliott won at Charlotte’s Roval course, taking his fourth straight road course win. Elliott secured his spot in the playoff Round of 8.

“I love road courses,” Elliott said. “And there are six road course races on next year’s Cup schedule. That plays right into my hands. So next year, I’ll be taking the ‘circuitous’ route to the championship.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin struggled at Charlotte, spinning twice and suffering body damage on his way to a 15th-place finish.

“I let the back end get away from me,” Hamlin said, “which is probably something Tony Stewart said after a post-diet bender.”

4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth at Charlotte as the playoff field was trimmed to eight drivers.

“My brother Kyle was eliminated from the playoffs,” Busch said. “So it’s up to me to uphold the family name. But just a cursory glance through the Busch brothers history of legal problems would tell you neither of us is capable of upholding much of anything ethical.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Charlotte.

“It’s the Round Of 8,” Logano said. “This is where you separate the boys from the men. Some drivers, like Matt Kenseth, might question whether I belong in either category. Just check the history books; you’ll see I’m ‘classified’ as a ‘Cup champion.’”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th at Charlotte.

“Many NASCAR purists are against racing in the rain,” Keselowski said. “That’s probably why you see all these ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flags in the parking lot.”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Charlotte and joins Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin in the Round Of 8.

“Kyle Busch went from Cup champion,” Truex said, “to not even making it to the third round of the playoffs. They call that ‘falling off a cliff,’ and right into the ‘glory hole.’”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished eighth in the Bank Of America Roval 400 and advanced to the next round of the playoffs.

“I’ll be driving the No. 48 car next year,” Bowman said. “It’s gonna be weird sitting in that seat that Jimmie drove to 7 Cup championships. It would be even weirder if Jimmie was still in it.”

9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 16th at Charlotte’s Roval and was eliminated from the playoffs.

“How about the Xfinity Series race in the rain on Saturday?” Almirola said. “Now that was exciting. There was so much water on the course, there was no way that race was going to be ‘hydro-plain.’”

10. Kyle Busch: A flat tire derailed Busch’s chances of advancing to the next round of the playoffs. He finished 30th.

“Finally,” Busch said, “I’ve been put out of my misery. As last year’s Cup champion, I lost my ‘mojo,’ as well as every Cup race I entered this season.”

October 12, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won at Talladega in a wild finish, the result not determined until the third overtime. Hamlin officially qualified for the next round of the playoffs.

“And I got boo’ed for my effort by many of the 15,000 fans in attendance,” Hamlin said. “You’d think masks would have muffled that, but it is Alabama, so apparently not.

“Michael Jordan is in NASCAR. I assume this means there will be an ‘Aero Jordan’ product line out soon.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th in the YellaWood 500 at Talladega.

“I’m not sure what ‘YellaWood’ is,” Harvick said. “I hear it’s treated with something; I’m guessing it’s penicillin.”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Talladega and was the only playoff driver other than Denny Hamlin to crack the top 10.

“Chad Knaus is leaving the pit box to become Hendrick Motorsports Vice President Of Competition,” Elliott said. “‘VP Of Competition’ is probably code for ‘Finder Of Ways To Cheat Without Getting Caught.’ But if they gave Chad that job title, it would look very suspicious.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th in the YellaWood 500 at Talladega.

“The race was pure chaos from the start,” Keselowski said. “We had a caution before one lap was completed. And from there, the attrition was constant, and that includes the race’s flag man, who suffered a torn rotator cuff.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch was ousted at Talladega in a Lap 110 crash in which his car went airborne. He finished 32nd.

“Luckily,” Busch said, “I stuck the landing.

“Even though I was in it, I didn’t have to worry about the ‘Big One’ at Talladega, because the Monster Energy Chevy was the ‘Big 1’ last week at Las Vegas.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd at Talladega.

“You always have to expect the unexpected at Talladega,” Truex said. “Like, for example, it was not expected that you’d have to switch channels from NBC to NBC Sports Network to see the conclusion of the race. The notion that this helped ratings is ‘remote.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 26th at Talladega, as Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott were the only playoff drivers in the top 10.

“This race took over four hours to complete,” Logano said, “and the margin of victory was a mere .086 seconds. And that’s the long and short of it.”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th at Talladega and is seventh in the points standings.

“The 2021 NASCAR schedule is out,” Bowman said, “and there’s a race at Bristol on dirt. It’s the first Cup race on dirt since 1970. So fans, get your tickets now, else you’ll be left out of the dust.”

9. Aric Almirola: Almirola was knocked out of the race while leading in a wreck with three laps to go in Stage 1. He finished 37th and will need a win at Charlotte to advance.

“I guess I’m putting all my eggs in one basket,” Almirola said. “And when I get to Charlotte, I’m gonna throw all the eggs in that basket at Alex Bowman for wrecking me.”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch’s rough day at Talladega involved several wrecks, blown tires, and various damages to his No. 18 Toyota. He completed 188 laps before his day was mercifully ended.

“My day at Talladega,” Busch said, “not to mention my year in general, has me thinking ‘early retirement.”

October 5, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Las Vegas.

“I’ve got a comfortable points lead,” Harvick said. “There’s a safe distance between me and the cut off line. And that’s exactly how I plan to race at Talladega—a ‘safe distance’ from the front.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Las Vegas and went on to a third-place finish in the South Point 400.

“I’m now a co-owner with Michael Jordan of a car to be driven by Bubba Wallace,” Hamlin said. “It’s great to have M.J. involved in our sport. And I’m sure this isn’t the first time Michael’s ‘put money on’ NASCAR.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started 12th and finished 13th at Las Vegas.

“I battled handling issues all day,” Keselowski said. “The No. 2 Auto Trader Ford was just not responsive. And trust me, I was talking to it all day, with language unfit even for Kyle Busch’s radio.”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 22nd in the South Point 400.

“Hendrick Motorsports was fined $100,000 for a wind tunnel violation,” Elliott said. “Apparently, we exceeded the amount of time you’re allowed in the wind tunnel. That’s pretty much the definition of ‘blowing’ $100,000.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch secured his spot in the playoff Round of 8 with a win in his hometown of Las Vegas.

“There was a little luck involved,” Busch said. “I took the lead when a caution flew during green-flag pit stops. So, maybe I didn’t have the best car, but I had enough car. It’s a case of ‘Local boy makes good enough.’”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth at Las Vegas and is now sixth in the playoff points standings.

“We’ve got Talladega next on the schedule,” Truex said. “And who knows what might happen there? That’s always the question at Talladega, and as questions go, it’s a ‘big one.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th at Las Vegas, as an early tire issue set him back in the field.

“That ‘tire issue’ was caused by contact with Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “Trust me, if I could have no contact with Kyle Busch, I’d be thrilled.”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished fifth at Las Vegas and now stands seventh in the standings.

“I’m one of the drivers who are hovering around the cut off line,” Bowman said. “It’s tough on one’s mental state. Plus, we’ve got Talladega to deal with. That means we may have to deal with wrecks, all while trying not to be a nervous wreck.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth in an up-and-down day at Las Vegas.

“I’ve now gone 30 races without a win,” Busch said. “So I know I’m due. And I’m counting on ‘when’ and ‘win’ intersecting at Talladega.”

10.Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 17th in the South Point 400.

“I’ll most likely need a win to advance,” Almirola said. “And Talladega will be a challenge, so I’ll need good aerodynamics and the good Lord on my side. So, I’m heading to Alabama’s superspeedway on a ‘wing and a prayer.’”

September 29, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick overcame a commitment line penalty to finish seventh at Richmond.

“My win at Darlington already advanced me to the next round,” Harvick said. “So I was racing at Richmond with no pressure. Trust me, it’s not often you can say ‘I was loose all day’ and it means a good thing.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 2 at Richmond and controlled the race thereafter, taking the win in the Federated Auto Parts 400 and a spot in the next round of the playoffs.

“I made it look easy,” Keselowski said. “But looks can be deceiving. Not in this case though, because it was easy.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Richmond, but was nabbed for speeding on pit road during subsequent pit stops. He scrapped his way back to a 12th place finish.

“Despite that,” Hamlin said, “I still qualified for the next playoff round. That means I can go to Bristol and gun for the win. I can’t wait to get there. But I have to make sure I don’t get ahead of myself. In other words, ‘not so fast.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth in the Federated Auto Parts 400, posting his 11th top five of the year.

“Except for competition cautions,” Elliott said, “the entire race was caution-free. My standing in the points is such that I can race at Bristol ‘caution-free.’”

5. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex battled up front all night at Richmond and came home with the runner-up finish.

“I’ve finished fourth or better in nine of the last 10 races,” Truex said. “That’s a losing streak most, if not all, drivers would love to have.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Richmond as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski secured a dominating win.

“Brad all but predicted a win,” Logano said. “That’s called ‘reverse psychology,’ because he ‘backed it up.’”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished a disappointing 19th at Richmond, and now likely needs a win at Bristol to advance to Round 2 of the playoffs.

“I had to make an unscheduled pit stop for a loose wheel during Stage 1,” Blaney said. “I’ll tell you what else is ‘not secure’—–the job of one of my tire changers.”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Richmond and is eighth in the points standings, 27 points ahead of 13th.

“Jimmie Johnson is headed to Indy Car next year,” Byron said. “Jimmie’s been looking for more speed all year; apparently, he had to leave the sport of NASCAR to find it.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Richmond and is in solid position to advance to the Round Of 12.

“I’m happy with the result,” Busch said, “considering we started at the back after failing two inspections. Apparently, as long as the No. 18 car is moving, it earns a passing grade.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth at Richmond as Stewart-Haas Racing placed three cars in the top 10.

“I’m seven points above the playoff cut-off line,” Almirola said. “That’s an uncomfortable margin, mostly because it’s too close for comfort.”

September 14, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took the win at Darlington after inheriting the lead when Chase Elliott and Martin Truex, Jr. hit the wall battling for the lead late.

“If this were the Olympics,” Harvick said, “I would have won the gold, while Eliott and Truex would have shared the silver, for handing me that win on a platter of such.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at Darlington.

“I missed getting into the pits late in the race,” Hamlin said, “and that cost me. I missed the left into the pits. Several other drivers made mistakes at Darlington. So I guess as far as making mistakes goes, it was ‘my turn.’”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 20th in the Cook Out Southern 500.

“Martin Truex Jr. tried to pass me for the lead and wasn’t clear,” Elliott said. “The result? We both hit the wall and lost our chances to win. So, in our tangle, there were no winners.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Darlington, posting his seventh top-5 of the season

“It was ‘throwback’ weekend at Darlington,” Logano said. “Mine honored Bobby Allison. His brother Donnie will be honored whenever NASCAR has a ‘throw punch‘ weekend.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski hit the wall in Stage 1 and fell a lap down before recovering to post an 11th at Darlington.

“When you make a mistake at Darlington,” Keselowski said, “the wall makes you pay for it. Now, if Corey LaJoie hits the wall with his ‘Trump 2020’ car, the wall makes Mexico pay for it.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex swept Stages 1 and 2, but fell from contention after initiating contact while trying to pass Chase Elliott with 15 laps to go. Truex finished 22nd.

“I take full responsibility,” Truex said. “I said as much on Twitter, where my new Twitter handle is ‘@fault.’”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney suffered a flat rear tire early in Stage 2, and the ensuing pit stop left him a lap down. Unable to recover, he finished 24th.

“Even before that,” Blaney said, “I was docked 10 points and sent to the back of the field for improperly mounted ballast. That’s a pretty stiff punishment, and is also known as being ‘heavily penalized.’”

8. William Byron: Byron finished fifth at Darlington, just ahead of Handrick Motorsports teammate Alex Bowman.

“I just signed a two-year contract extension with Hendrick Motorsports,” Byron said. “I signed on the dotted line, while also making sure I didn’t sign below the yellow line.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Darlington and is 10th in the points standings.

“I’m the guy most people might be overlooking to win the championship,” Busch said. “My odds in Vegas to win the title are pretty slim. So, as far as oddsmakers go, ‘no one likes me to win.’ Remove the ‘to win’ part of that phrase, and you have another true statement.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished ninth in the Cook Out Southern 500 and is now 12th in the point standings.

“I’m sitting right on the playoff bubble,” Almirola said. “My Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick doesn’t have to worry about that. In fact, he’s thinking not about the ‘playoff bubble,’ but the ‘playoff bubbly.’”

September 7, 2020