Author: Jeffrey Boswell

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Daytona and finished 17th after an early spin and contact left his back in the field.

“I was the first car to the new chicane,” Harvick said. “Let me be the first to tell you, facing a chicane you’ve never seen before ain’t easy. In fact, it’s a ‘hard left.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 2nd in the Gobowling.com 235 at Daytona Road Course.

“That’s my third runner-up finish in the last 4 races,” Hamlin said. “If someone told you that I’m sick of coming up short, I would ‘second’ that emotion.”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott held off Denny Hamlin over the closing laps to capture the win at Daytona’s road course.

“The race was called the ‘Gobowling.com 235,’” Elliott said. “And Hooters is one of my major sponsors. If it hasn’t already been done, then I’ll take credit for the first ‘nice rack’ reference.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished 9th at Daytona.

“The new chicane at Daytona caused a lot of worries beforehand,” Logano said, “but it was mostly a non-factor. That wasn’t the case in the Xfinity Series race on Saturday when several drivers braked late and ran off the track. It was definitely a ‘turn for the worse’ in that race.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 13th at Daytona on a lackluster day for Penske Racing.

“Some drivers thrive on road courses,” Keselowski said. “Like Chase Elliott. He’s a ‘road warrior.’ Me? Road courses make me anxious. So, I’m a ‘road worrier.’”

6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex was a factor all day and came home 3rd at Daytona’s road course. He is 7th in the points standings.

“I really hurt my chances when I got caught speeding on pit lane,” Truex said. “So, I shot myself in the foot. Fortunately, it didn’t do any damage, because I have a lead foot.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney struggled at Daytona’s road course, finishing 31st, his second consecutive finish outside the top 30.

“We raced Daytona’s road course without the benefit of practice,” Blaney said. “That’s all anyone talked about before the race, and it got a little monotonous. Even Allen Iverson couldn’t believe we were talking ’bout practice.”

8. Aric Almirola: Almirola started sixth and finished 24th in the Gobowling.com 235.

“I wasn’t at my best,” Almirola said. “Heck, even a guy named ‘Kaz Grala’ finished 7th at Daytona. I thought ‘Kaz Grala’ was an Israeli self-defense discipline. If I would have known at the start I’d finish 31st, I would have submitted right then.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 14th at Daytona.

“The bigger story is my brother Kyle,” Busch said. “He finished 37th after brake and tire issues forced him out of the race. That’s called a ‘DNF.’ It’s been a frustrating year for Kyle, so that ‘DNF’ could also signify that he ‘Did Ndeed say ‘F.’”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 6th at Daytona’s road course, posting his first top 10 since Pocono in late June.

“I’m winless this season,” Bowyer said. “But I’m 11th in the points standings. So, as far as making the championship round, I like my chances. As far as winning the Cup championship, I like my chances in hell.”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: After struggling early, Harvick rebounded to battle for the win at Kentucky. Alas, as he was racing Martin Truex, Jr. for the win, rookie Cole Custer powered past to snag the stunning victory. Harvick finished 4th.

“Congratulations to my Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Cole Custer on the win,” Harvick said. “He’s in the playoffs! So, I imagine he partied hard on Sunday night. I mean fall-down drunk hard. I’m guessing ‘Custer’s last stand’ occurred at approximately 11:00 PM Sunday night.

“My son Keelan got his first go-kart win on Saturday in North Carolina. You might think that Keelan would have by nature been interested in racing. He wasn’t. Not surprisingly, I had to give him a little ‘push.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Kentucky and is 6th in the points standings, 122 behind Kevin Harvick.

“We’re off to the All-Star Race at Bristol on Wednesday,” Hamlin said. “And get this, the cars will have ‘underglow’ lighting. At Bristol, that’s called ‘Thunderglow.’”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 2 and finished 9th in the Quaker State 400, earning his 12th top 10 of the season.

“I spun Jimmie Johnson on a late restart,” Keselowski said, “and it sent him spinning into the infield grass. He’s showing symptoms of being pissed off.”

4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 6th at Kentucky and is 3rd in the points standings, 95 out of first.

“How about that fight between Harrison Burton and Noah Gragson after the Xfinity Series race?” Blaney said. “Those guys were throwing some serious punches. I think I even saw a combination or two. It’s the very definition of a ‘1-2 finish.’”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home 23rd at Kentucky.

“There’s a life-sized statue of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Sanders sitting in the front row at Kentucky Speedway,” Elliott said. “Obviously, he sits in a ‘bucket’ seat.”

6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Just when it looked like Truex and Kevin Harvick would decide the outcome, Cole Custer shocked them both by using a big push from Matt DiBenedetto to zoom by for the win. Truex settled for 2nd, and is now 7th in the points standings, 132 out of first.

“Wow!” Truex said. “Custer came out of nowhere. And that’s probably where he’ll return, probably in 15 minutes.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 15th at Kentucky, and has only one top-10 finish in his last six races.

“We’re certainly not in championship form,” Logano said. “Honestly, I think we just need to work harder and be more committed to greatness. Take it from the dude known as ‘Sliced Bread,’ I know when you’re ‘loafing.’”

8. Aric Almirola: Almirola won Stage 1 and finished 8th in the Quaker State 400.

“It was a great day for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Almirola said. “SHR placed three cars in the top 10. Most importantly, Cole Custer won. So, let’s all congratulate Gene Haas on his ‘P1,’ because we surely won’t be doing that on his ‘F1.’”

9. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 19th at Kentucky on a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports, as no HMS cars cracked the top 10.

“I asked my Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson a question before the race,” Bowman said. “I said, ‘Are you sure you should be racing?’ Jimmie replied, ‘I’m positive.’”

10. Cole Custer: Custer made a daring last-lap pass for the lead, going four-wide to beat Martin Truex, Jr., Kevin Harvick, and Matt DiBenedetto to the line.

“My No. 41 Ford had the right stuff when it counted most,” Custer said. “Many people are saying they haven’t seen ‘speed’ like that in the No. 41 car since Jeremy Mayfield was driving it.”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 62 laps and won the Brickyard 400, his third win at Indianapolis. He leads the points standings by 85 over Chase Elliott.

“For the third time,” Harvick said, “I got to ‘kiss the bricks.’ So, you could say I ‘made out’ pretty well at Indy.

“Indiana native Chase Briscoe won the Xfinity Series race on Saturday. That reminds me of when Indiana’s Tony Stewart won the Brickyard 400 in 2005 and climbed the fence in celebration. That was amazing! Not necessarily Tony winning, but the fence remaining intact.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led the Brickyard 400 with 10 laps to go, but a right-front tire failure sent him crashing hard into the wall and out of contention. He finished 28th.

“If not for that tire failure,” Hamlin said, “I’d be celebrating my 5th win. So, because of that unnamed tire manufacturer, I’ll just say this: ‘Goodyear, bad day.’

“I’m still winless at the Brickyard. And that bothers me. What bothers me more is when Corey LaJoie says the only time the words ‘brick’ and ‘yard’ are used in a sentence with ‘Hamlin,’ someone must be talking about me playing basketball in a prison recreation area.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 4th at Indianapolis, posting his 5th top 5 of the season.

“Donald Trump is tweeting again,” Keselowski said. “He says the noose scandal was a hoax, and wants Bubba Wallace to apologize. And Trump says NASCAR ratings are down because of the Confederate flag ban. Does he even read these tweets before he sends them? He should, because take it from me, ‘drafting’ works.”

4. Chase Elliott: Eliott posted an 11th at Indianapolis, and is 2nd in the points standings, 85 behind Kevin Harvick.

“On a typical day at Indy,” Elliott said, “there were few, if any, passes for the lead under green. It’s been that way for years. So fans should always be aware that not much happens at Indy. That’s the real definition of ‘competition caution.’”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 32nd at Indianapolis after he was involved in a bizarre pit road entrance pileup on lap 16.

“I had a crew member injured when he was pinned between my car and Brennan Poole’s No. 15 car,” Blaney said. “Now, if you asked me how that pit stop went, I could say ‘We crushed it.’ But that would be in bad taste, as would a ‘sandwich’ being used to describe the incident. My crew member is fine, though. It’s too bad I don’t drive a Dodge. I would have bought him a truck with a vanity plate that read ‘Cram Tough.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Indianapolis.

“Corey LaJoie’s No. 32 car will have a ‘Trump 2020’ decal on it,” Logano said. “Many people are saying it should be subtitled ‘Russian To The Finish Line.’ Now, is LaJoie ready to be a winner in NASCAR. Many people are saying ‘Not nyet.’”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 13th at Indianapolis.

“This race was called the ‘Big Machine Hand Sanitizer 400 At The Brickyard,’” Busch said. “I used to fret endlessly about these sponsors giving races odd names, but as of today, I’ve washed my hands of it.”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home 30th in the Brickyard 400.

“Jimmie Johnson tested positive for COVID-19,” Bowman said. “Given Jimmie’s three-year winless streak, it makes sense that he caught Coronavirus before he caught a leader.”

9. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex was victimized by a pile up at pit road’s entrance on lap 16. The ensuing damage knocked Truex out of the race, and he finished 38th.

“I’m not sure what happened,” Truex said. “Everybody was coming to the pits at the same time. That’s what happens when you try to fit ‘too much’ into ‘too little.’ It’s akin to Jimmy Spencer trying to get into his racing suit.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola took 3rd at Indianapolis as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick captured the win.

“Congratulations to Kevin,” Almirola said. “That’s five wins this season. He could very well be on his way to another championship. That would be two Cups. Couple that with Kevin’s Busch beer sponsorship, and you could say his career’s been defined by ‘Cups And Cans.’ Or maybe that’s just a topless bar in Florida.”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Saturday’s Pocono race and finished 2nd in Sunday’s Pocono 350. He leads the points standing by 52 over Ryan Blaney in second.

“This was the first weekend doubleheader in NASCAR history,” Harvick said. “And I almost scored a ‘double.’ Tim Richmond once ‘hit for the cycle’ in Pocono, when he scored on the track, at the casino, in the bedroom, and with his dealer.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin used astute pit strategy to get the edge at Pocono, and easily held off Kevin Harvick to win the Pocono 350.

“We gambled by just taking two tires on our final pit stop,” Hamlin said. “We knew we needed an advantage over Kevin Harvick. Harvick is called ‘The Closer.’ Similarly, Corey LaJoie calls me ‘The Close(r) But No Cigar.’”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 2 at Pocono and finished 11th.

“It was a solid finish,” Keselowski said, “and I’m thrilled at where this team is headed. I can’t wait to get to the track every weekend. It’s something else to hear those four words uttered every weekend. No, not ‘Gentlemen, start your engines,’ but ‘garage door pull handle.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 4th at Pocono, posting his 7th top 5 of the year.

“We’re next off to Indianapolis for the Big Machine Vodka 400 At The Brickyard,” Elliott said. “In years past, Daytona was on the schedule for that week in July. I’m sure you’ve heard of the ‘Firecracker 400.’ There are some NASCAR fans who think the name was changed because it had the word ‘cracker’ in it.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 22nd at Pocono after suffering damage when he and Kyle Busch made contact midway through the race, sending Busch into the wall and out of the race.

“Don’t blame me,” Blaney said. “Blame the lapped car of Garrett Smithley. I came up on Smithley fast, and asked myself, ‘What is Garrett Smithley doing here?’ That, interestingly enough, is the same question other drivers were asking before the race.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano came home 24th at Pocono, as handling issues caused struggles. He is 6th in the points standings, 81 out of first.

“I wrecked the primary car late in Saturday’s race,” Logano said, “and it was a struggle on Sunday. But we tried our best, and that’s all you can ask. When you wreck your primary car, it’s like falling down, and all you can do is get ‘backup’ and start again.”

7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 9th at Pocono after a spirited last-lap battle with Clint Bowyer, who took 8th.

“Apparently,” Bowman said, “Clint really wanted that coveted 8th place. I wasn’t about to wreck my car battling for 8th, so I told Clint, ‘Go ahead, make your day.”

8. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished 10th at Pocono, recording his 8th top-10 finish of the season,

“We nearly ran out of daylight before finishing the race,” Truex said. “So, NASCAR has, once again, vanquished the ‘forces of darkness.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch won Stage 1 at Pocono and finished 13th.

“My brother Kyle wasn’t happy after lapped traffic caused an accident with Ryan Blaney,” Busch said. “Kyle hates lapped traffic, and he hates the practically amateur drivers who cause it. If Kyle had to grade these drivers, he’d give them an ‘F.’ And he’d like NASCAR to get the ‘F’ out of the way.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overcame a pass-through penalty to finish 16th at Pocono.

“We had a tire get away from us in the pits,” Johnson said. “I’m not sure where a tire is looking to go when it ‘runs away.’ My guess is probably to a team that’s won a race in the last three years.”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick battled for the win late at Talladega before finishing 10th.

“What a wild finish,” Harvick said. “That last lap was unforgettable, even for Tyler Reddick.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin brushed the wall early but battled his way back to contention and finished 4th in the Geico 500.

“Hopefully,” Hamlin said, “my feud with Corey LaJoie is settled. You know, I was thinking. Corey’s last name has all of the vowels except ‘U.’ His last name also has only two consonants. ‘L’ is one of them, and ‘W’ is definitely not one of them.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano finished 16th in the Geico 500 and is second in the points standings, 23 behind Kevin Harvick.

“Penske Racing definitely had the best cars out there,” Logano said. “Especially Ryan Blaney’s. Ryan cut through the field like a knife through hot butter. And speaking of ‘hot butter,’ that’s a perfect nickname for Ryan, and goes hand in hand with ‘Sliced Bread.’ And when you put ‘Hot Butter’ on ‘Sliced Bread’, you get a sandwich we call a ‘Bread Keselowski.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 19th at Talladega.

“One of my sponsors was ‘Dent Wizard,” Keselwoski said. “No, that’s not Harry Potter’s mechanic, but is in fact the leader in paintless dent repair. Now, if you’re looking for ‘pantless‘ dent repair, it’s next door to the topless car wash.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott spun with 55 laps to go after getting caught between the cars of Penske Racing’s Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski. The resulting damage ended Elliott’s day and he finished 38th.

“Joey and I just can’t seem to stay out of each other’s way,” Elliott said. “Honestly, I don’t want to be around him, and I’m sure he doesn’t want to be around me. So, we should just let ‘Be gone’s’ be ‘Be gone’s.’”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney’s No. 12 Chevy was fast at Talladega, and a dynamic late charge gave him the win in the Geico 500, his second consecutive win at Talladega.

“I literally won by a nose,” Blaney said. “And speaking of ‘noses,’ it doesn’t take much of one to sense that something stinks to high heaven in the NASCAR garage.”

7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 7th at Talladega, posting his third top-10 result of the season.

“NASCAR no longer wants to see Confederate flags flying,” Bowman said. “And, by virtue of these new Talladega aero rules, they don’t want to see Ryan Newman flying either.”

8. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished 23rd at Talladega.

“Five thousand fans were in attendance at Talladega,” Truex said. “At a track the size of Talladega, there was plenty of space between the fans. I’m not sure if you can get more ‘socially-distant’ than that, unless you’re Brian France after a DUI.”

9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson spun with 3 laps to go after contact with Kevin Harvick but scrambled to salvage a 13th at Talladega.

“Thanks go to Geico for their continued sponsorship at Talladega,” Johnson said. “That Geico gecko is a really cool mascot. Here’s my favorite Geico joke: what’s it called when Geico’s online functionality suffers technical difficulties? ‘E-reptile dysfunction.’”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered a flat tire with 39 laps to go, forcing a pit stop that ended his chances of a win. He finished 32nd and is now 9th in the points standings.

“You probably saw the plane pulling the banner that had a Confederate flag and the words ‘Defund NASCAR,’” Busch said. “Maybe that banner should have been the Confederate flag followed by the words ‘Defunct.’”