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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled at Homestead, finishing 26th, one lap down. He still leads the points standings, with an eight-point edge over Joey Logano.

“I’m not used to finishing outside the top five,” Harvick said, “much less the top 10. Me in 26th place? That just doesn’t look right. It’s kind of like seeing Clint Bowyer’s head on a raving dancer’s body. I’ve seen the real Clint Bowyer dance. He does indeed have ‘moves like Jagger.’ That is, the moves of a 76-year-old man.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won at Homestead in dominant fashion, sweeping all stages and leading 137 laps.

“I had a spirited battle with Chase Elliott on the track,” Hamlin said. “I had a spirited battle with Corey Lajoie on Twitter. They both finished second.”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott battled Denny Hamlin late at Homestead, but couldn’t get around the No. 11 Toyota and settled for second.

“Joey Logano did me no favors,” Elliott said. “I guess he’s still irritated by what happened at Bristol. Heck, I already apologized, but he’s still being a dick about it. He’s also being petty. So, this is the first time that calling someone ‘Richard Petty’ was meant as an insult.”

4. Joey Logano: Contact with Ryan Newman ruined Logano’s night at Homestead and he finished two laps down in 27th place.

“I got loose,” Logano said, “hit the wall, and clipped the Oscar Mayer No. 6 car. Many people, including nearly all of my enemies, would say that’s ‘weiner on weiner’ crime.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Homestead and now has seven consecutive top-10 finishes.

“Due to several weather delays,” Keselowski said, “the race didn’t end until 11 p.m. Hmmm. Eleven o’clock at night in Florida? I hear that’s just when the real action starts in this state.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was strong at Homestead, leading 70 laps and his way to a third-place finish.

“Trucks Series driver Ray Ciccarelli said he wouldn’t race again in response to NASCAR’s new Confederate flag ban,” Blaney said. “Then he said he might. All you need to do is look at Ray’s record as a driver, and you’ll see that his latest crusade is a lost cause.”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Homestead as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin took the win.

“I won the Craftsman Trucks race on Saturday night,” Busch said, “which snapped a two-race Trucks winless streak. And speaking of ‘streaks,’ a lot of other drivers might call me an ‘ass,’ but I have the shortest ‘skid marks‘ of any drivers.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 12th at Homestead and is sixth in the points standings, 53 out of first.

“My JGR teammate Denny Hamlin started on the pole,” Truex said, “won the first two stages, and completed the deal with the win. Not only did Denny ‘sweep’ on the track, I also hear he ‘mopped the floor’ with Corey LaJoie on Twitter. Oh well.”

9. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home 18th in the Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead.

“Just a week after the Confederate flag was banned,” Bowman said, “we ran the ‘Dixie Vodka 400.’ That’s interesting. Personally, I hate vodka. I hate it so much, I started a club of like-minded people. I call it a ‘hate group.’”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 16th at Homestead.

“The tunnel that leads to the track was named in my honor,” Johnson said. “The joke is it does lead to the track, but doesn’t lead to Victory Lane.”

June 16, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 105 of the final 108 laps, dominating the last stage to win the Folds Of Honor QuikTrip 500 at Atlanta.

“The No. 4 Chevy was awesome today,” Harvick said. “I knew we were going to be fast by just looking at our paint scheme. Busch beer and Hunt Brothers Pizza make a lethal combination, and not just in your stomach.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano came home 10th at Atlanta, posting his fifth top 10 of the season.

“I guess I could blame my performance on handling,” Logano said. “I didn’t have a handling problem last week at Bristol, because regarding the Chase Elliott wrecking me situation, I ‘handled’ it. Of course, I handled it not with a fist, but with the hand of compassion, which most would say has ruined too many budding feuds in this sport.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Atlanta.

“It’s an unprecedented time in our sport,” Keselowski said. “Hopefully, things will change. But how must Richard Petty and Richard Childress be feeling for criticizing kneeling athletes in the past? Probably like ‘Dicks.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Atlanta and finished eighth.

“It’s always fun racing on Atlanta’s surface,” Elliott said. “The track can get pretty slick, especially on the turns with their 24 degree banking. And a ‘slippery slope’ fits in perfectly with NASCAR’s newfound political stance.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stages 1 and 2 at Atlanta, but couldn’t catch Kevin Harvick over the course of the final stage. Truex settled for third, right behind Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch.

“Harvick had the best car when it counted,” Truex said. “In other words, he was in the driver’s seat. That meant I had to take a back seat.”

6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 12th at Atlanta, and is eighth in the points standings.

“It’s good to hear Bubba Wallace is doing better,” Bowman said. “I hear he got the ‘OK’ from doctors, right after they gave him the ‘IV.’”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Atlanta and is now seventh in the Cup points standings, 94 out of first.

“Wow,” Hamlin said, “Bubba Wallace passed out during an interview after the race. That’s one instance in which even Richard Petty says it’s okay to take a knee.”

8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth in the Folds Of Honor QuikTrip 500.

“And speaking of ‘Quik Trips,’” Blaney said, “NASCAR’s road to racial justice recognition should be over soon, once the fan base takes its stand, which certainly won’t be on a knee.”

9. Kyle Busch: Kyle Busch finished second at Atlanta, claiming his second consecutive top-five result.

“Now that the Trucks bounty is off my head,” Busch said, “I feel like I’ve found a renewed focus. Just give me a few races, and I’m sure I’ll become the ‘poster boy’ for something.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished seventh at Atlanta and hasn’t won a race in over three years.

“I think it’s great that we paused for a moment of silence before the start of the race,” Johnson said. “It would have been even better if we then paused for a moment of uncomfortable silence in honor of all the drivers and owners who haven’t spoken out against racial injustice.”

June 8, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th in the Supermarket Heroes 500 at Bristol. He leads the points standings by 14 over Joey Logano.

“It was an exciting finish,” Harvick said. “That’s the opposite of a smooth finish, which is what you get with Busch beer. Now, consider my sponsor obligations complete.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano took the lead from Denny Hamlin on lap 489, but was later pushed into the wall by an overly-aggressive Chase Elliott. Logano finished 21st.

“I gave Chase a piece of my mind after the race,” Logano said. “And I gave him a piece of my hand, the middle finger.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski fell into the victory at Bristol when Chase Elliott and Joey Logano made contact battling for the lead. Keselowski slipped by for the victory, his second in the last three races.

“That win fell into my lap,” Keselowski said. “So it only makes sense that I celebrate with a lap dance.”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott got loose and pushed Joey Logano into the wall, costing Logano the win as the two battled for the lead late at Bristol. Elliott finished 22nd and took blame after the race.

“Joey gave me a stern talking-to,” Elliott said. “That is, as stern a talking-to one can give while wearing a mask and reading glasses.”

5. Alex Bowman: Bowman was caught up in a Lap 298 crash triggered by Jimmie Johnson. Bowman’s day was done, and he finished 37th.

“‘Jimmie’s my teammate and a legend in the sport,’” Bowman said. “Those are the words the Hendrick Motorsports publicist asked me to say. And he asked me to say them seven times, no less.”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led late at Bristol, but was passed by Joey Logano late in the race. Hamlin then spun after making contact with the rear of Logano’s No. 22 Chevrolet and ultimately finished 17th.

“That’s a win I let slip away,” Hamlin said. “A few weeks ago at Charlotte, I dropped the ballast. At Bristol, I dropped the ball.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney spun in Turn 2 on Lap 198 and was then crashed into by Ty Dillon, who had nowhere to go. Blaney finished 40th and is sixth in the points standings.

“I got a little too high going into Turn 2,” Blaney said. “And I was running in second when it happened. So, I went from ‘Thunder Valley’ to ‘Blunder Alley‘ in just a matter of seconds.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Bristol.

“So much for my rivalry with Chase Elliott,” Busch said. “It looks like Chase and Joey Logano are feuding. And that’s just what NASCAR needed. Or is it? If an on-track incident leads to a calm, rational conversation afterward, then that’s definitely not what NASCAR needs.”

9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson spun Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. on lap 298, triggering the “Big One” at Bristol. Johnson survived relatively unscathed to finish third.

“I didn’t think I hit Stenhouse that hard,” Johnson said. “So, let’s just consider it his ‘brush’ with greatness.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 20th at Bristol and is seventh in the points standings, 68 out of first.

“The lower downforce package really improved the racing at Bristol,” Truex said. “As we saw so many times last year, too much downforce keeps the cars on the track, and fans in their seats.”

June 1, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the Coca-Cola 600 and remains atop the points standings with a 23 point lead over Joey Logano.

“Chase Elliott must be devastated,” Harvick said. “And it shows. Even with the specter of Coronavirus all around us, he still can’t ‘mask’ his disappointment.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 3 and finished 13th at Charlotte.

“I turned 30 on Sunday,” Logano said. “NASCAR officials gave me a pit road speeding penalty for my birthday, apparently.”

3. Alex Bowman: Bowman won Stages 1 and 2 at Charlotte, but faded late and finished 19th. He is third in the points standings, 25 behind Kevin Harvick.

“Chase Elliott might be a little upset at crew chief Alan Gustafson for the decision to pit,” Bowman said. “I hear Gustafson came to Chase’s hauler to console him. Chase was having none of it. He told Alan to ‘Get out.’ And, most importantly, he told him to ‘Stay out!’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski stayed out on a caution with two laps remaining and held off Jimmie Johnson to win the Coca-Cola 600.

“I’d like to thank my team,” Keselowski said, “as well as the fans. I’d also like to thank the ‘man upstairs.’ That’s what I call the person sitting atop Chase Elliott’s pit box who made the decision to pit.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott pitted with the lead when a caution flew with two laps remaining, a decision that ultimately cost him the win. A dejected Elliott finished second.

“We blew that,” Elliott said. “It was such a bad decision, I gave myself the finger.

“We thought pitting was definitely the right call, but it turned out to be one of the dumbest moves we’ve made. No matter how you look at it, it was a ‘no brainer.’”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 29th, seven laps down, after a disastrous start in Charlotte.

“I had a rough start to my night,” Hamlin said. “I had to pit before the green flag because my ballast weights fell out. My response was, ‘Weight! What?’

“On the bright side, I’ve already got two wins this season. So, mask or no mask, it’s easy to ‘put on a happy face.’”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third at Charlotte, posting his second top-five of the season. He is seventh in the points standings, 79 out of first.

“Charlotte’s race was called the ‘Coca-Cola 600,” Blaney said. “When I looked into the stands, however, I thought ‘Coke Zero.’”

8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 15th at Charlotte.

“Kyle Larson won the World Of Outlaws race on Saturday night in Missouri,” Almirola said. “Earlier this year, he lost big in the ‘Words Of Outlaws.’”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch came home fourth in the Coca Cola 600

“It was an eventful week for Chase Elliott and his right arm,” Busch said. “First, I wrecked him in Darlington and he gives me the finger. Then, in Charlotte, he loses the race by his own hand.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished second at Charlotte, but was disqualified after failing post-race inspection and relegated to last place.

“As Kyle Busch might say,” Johnson said, “you can’t fix this and have ice cream later. But if I were to have ice cream, it would definitely be from DQ.”

May 25, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 159 laps, including the final 78, to win the Real Heroes 400 at Darlington. He leads the points standings by a point over Joey Logano.

“I’m holding my index finger high,” Harvick said, “because that indicates how many people will be at my victory celebration.

“But all I can really say is ‘Woo hoo!,’ which I’m told is where this Coronavirus thing started. And one thing is certain, if you’re going to say ‘Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ out loud, you better be wearing a mask.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished 18th in the Real Heroes 400 at Darlington. He is second in the points standings, one behind Kevin Harvick.

“The race in Darlington will be defined by the mask,” Logano said. “It’s NASCAR’s newest ‘SAFER’ barrier. If Kyle Larson shows up, he absolutely has to wear a mask, because he’s not allowed to show his face.”

3. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished second at Darlington

“I just signed a one-year contract extension with Hendrick Motorsports,” Bowman said. “It’s not really a long-term contract extension, but I’ll celebrate anyway, with these ‘(I Guess I’m) Wanted’ posters.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin posted the top Toyota finish with a fifth at Darlington.

“Hopefully,” Hamlin said, “we can get back to racing with fans soon. I feel like my chances of winning improve greatly with thousands of people in attendance, as opposed to just my seven-year-old daughter in attendance.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Darlington and finished 13th.

“I got the pole by virtue of a random draw,” Keselowski said. “My name was drawn, and someone said, ‘You’re P1 in Cup.’ Sometimes, a name is randomly drawn and someone says, ‘Your pee in this cup.’”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home fourth at Darlington and is now fourth in the points standings, 40 behind Kevin Harvick.

“Congratulations to Kevin Harvick,” Elliott said. “He ran a heck of a race. I don’t mind complimenting Harvick. He’s a gracious winner, so I know he won’t rub it in our faces. Anyway, the current rules strictly prohibit that.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 16th at Darlington and is now eighth in the points standings.

“It’s great to get back to racing,” Blaney said. “It’s very weird racing in front of empty stands. But on the bright side, it gives fans the experience of actually being like a driver, because they were told to stay home just like Kyle Larson.”

8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 12th in the Real Heroes 400 at Darlington.

“I think wearing masks is important” Almirola said. “Without a mask, you can never really know what might go into your mouth. Or, in the case of Kyle Larson, come out of it.”

9. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto came home 14th at Darlington, and is now ninth in the points standings.

“This whole Coronavirus situation is unprecedented,” DiBenedetto said. “But for someone like Kyle Busch, however, nothing’s really changed. Even before Coronavirus, no one wanted to even be near him.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson crashed while leading with a lap to go in Stage 1 at Darlington and eventually finished 38th.

“I’ve now gone 100 races since my last Cup win,” Johnson said. “It seems like my current situation is defined more by ‘ago’ than ‘go.’”

May 18, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano held off Kevin Harvick on a late restart to win at Phoenix, taking his second win in four races this season.

“I won despite serving a mid-race penalty for a loose tire,” Logano said. “Luckily, the tire was the only ‘one that got away.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the front row at Phoenix and finished second, as Stewart-Haas Racing placed all four cars in the top 10.

“It sucks to come up short of victory,” Harvick said. “I really wanted to win. But I shouldn’t complain. Things could be worse. I could have been charged with a DWI and be the subject of a parody Twitter account.

“Tony Stewart will be racing in the Xfinity Series race at Indianapolis’ road course on July Fourth. He’ll be 49 then. That’s old. Tony’s so old, they’ll be calling July Fourth ‘In-Depends-Dence Day.’”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected in an early spin triggered by contact between Denny Hamlin and Brad Keselowski. The damage ended Blaney’s day with a 37th-place finish.

“I was just an innocent bystander,” Blaney said, and I don’t even want to talk to Hamlin or Keselowski. So, my avoidance off the track will be much better than it was on the track.

“And speaking of ‘minding my own business,’ I just signed a multi-year extension to stay with Penske Racing. I submit that all future NASCAR contract signings should take place on the track, where drivers can sign on the dotted line at the start-finish line.”

4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th in the FanShield 500 at Phoenix and now sits fourth in the Cup points standings.

“Dillon Bassett and Brandon Brown had quite a scrap after the Xfinity Series race,” Bowman said. “Bassett was really irate. He really lost it. I wouldn’t be surprised if NASCAR pulls him for a random drug test. Then he’d be ‘really pissed.’”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th in the FanShield 500 and is now fifth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

“I’m doing an IndyCar team test with McLaren Racing on April 6,” Johnson said. “Does this mean I’m leaning towards a future in open-wheel racing? Maybe. I guess the only thing stopping me is window-netting.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived an early accident and finished 11th at Phoenix.

“It was quite an entertaining race,” Keselowski said. “Part of the credit should go to the ‘Awesome Sauce,’ which is what we call the grip compound placed on the track. The rest of the credit should go to the fans in the stands, who appeared to be ‘awesomely sauced.’”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Phoenix and is seventh in the points standings, 43 out of first.

“I’ll be taking a shot at the ‘Kyle Busch Bounty’ in the Truck Series on March 20 at Homestead-Miami Speedway,” Larson said. “Rap icon Flo Rida will be in attendance cheering for me. He’s providing ‘100 hoes.’ I’m planning on providing ‘100 G’s.’”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and finished seventh at Phoenix.

“My chances at winning were doomed by a loose front tire,” Elliott said. “Just think, one lug nut ruined my race. Just think how many times drivers will be able to say that starting in 2021.”

“This Coronavirus outbreak is really wreaking havoc in the sporting world,” Elliott said. “Optimists say it won’t affect NASCAR at all. Pessimists say we may be forced to compete in front of an empty facility. But I think those people are just ‘grandstanding.’”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch came home third at Phoenix, posting his second-consecutive top-three finish.

“The bounty for beating me in the Gander Trucks Series is up to $100,000,” Busch said. “I was discussing this with my brother Kurt, and he said the last time he asked someone ‘What’s the price on my head?,’ it was to his cosmetic ear surgeon.”

10. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto finished 13th in the FanShield 500 at Phoenix.

“My fame grows by the day,” DiBendetto said. “Pretty soon, I’ll need a spokesman to handle my media requests. He’ll just repeat things I say to the media. I’ll call him ‘Matt DiBeneditto.’”

March 10, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 and suffered a cut tire late in the final stage, which forced a pit stop and left him with a 19th-place finish.

“Alex Bowman whipped the field by almost nine seconds,” Blaney said. “So mine wasn’t even the biggest ‘blowout’ of the race.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished 12th in the Auto Club 400 at Fontana.

“It was cool to see Jimmie Johnson honored with the ‘5-Wide Salute,’” Logano said. “Maybe one day, I can receive that same appreciation. I kind of do now. However, my ‘5-Wide Salute’ is five people standing side-by-side giving me the ‘One-Finger Salute.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home ninth in a mostly uneventful Auto Club 400. He is fourth in the points standings, 12 out of first.

“My ‘Kyle Busch Bounty’ really has people talking about the Gander Truck Series,” Harvick said. “And it has people talking more about Kyle Busch, which is actually what I was trying to avoid.”

4. Alex Bowman: Bowman led 110 laps at Fontana and held off Kyle and Kurt Busch late to ease to victory in the Auto Club 400.

“I promised a friend I’d get an ’88’ tattoo if I won,” Bowman said. “I’m sure people will have a lot of questions when they see my tattoo, like, ‘Cool, are you’re a Dale, Jr. fan”‘”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started second and finished seventh at Fontana.

“I was honored with a ‘Five-Wide Salute’ during the warmup laps,” Johnson said. I’m really digging this farewell tour. I mean really digging it. It’s quite a turn-on actually. You could say I now have a ‘fete fetish.’”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Fontana, scoring his first top-five result of the season.

“Good news,” Keselowski said. “NASCAR is transitioning to single lug nut wheels in 2021. In hockey, that would be a ‘one-timer.’ In baseball, it’s a ‘single.’ In basketball, it’s a ‘one-and-done.’”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started at the back of the field and forged his way forward to finish sixth at Fontana, posting his second top-10 of the season.

“We started at the back because we pitted to change a shock absorber on the warmup laps,” Hamlin said. “Little did we know that the real shock ‘absorber’ would be Kyle Larson’s rear bumper.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fourth at California, recording his first top-five of the season. He is sixth in the points standings, 17 out of first.

“I was just named brand ambassador for Hooters Spirits,” Elliott said. “In case you’re wondering, Hooters Spirits is not a haunted Hooter’s restaurant, where the waitresses might say ‘Boo(b)!’ It’s a line of Hooter’s alcoholic beverages. Look for them on shelves. Or better yet, look for them on racks.”

9. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto continued his strong start to the season, posting a 13th at Fontana, and is eighth in the points standings.

“You could say I’m ‘running with the big dogs,’” DiBenedetto said. “And as they say, ‘If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay off the porch.’ Well, I’m a big dog, and I’m gonna stay on that porch, and probably ‘leave my mark.’”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in the Auto Club 400, scoring his first top-five result after two lackluster efforts to begin the season.

“Alex Bowman beat me by almost nine seconds,” Busch said. “In racing, that’s an eternity. So, if you ask how badly I was beaten, I’ll tell you ‘from there to eternity.’

“As for bounties on me, I say ‘Bring ’em on.’ I don’t mind being the hunted, just as I don’t mind being the bad guy. I’m not here to be liked. You’ve heard of Formula 1, right? Well, for me, it’s not ‘F1,’ it’s ‘F everyone.’”

March 2, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano took the win in the Pennzoil 400 at Las Vegas, staying on the track during a late caution to secure the win.

“My crew chief Paul Wolfe said to pit,” Logano said, “but I didn’t hear him, so I stayed out. Now, a lot of people are telling me I should have my ears checked, most notably Kurt Busch’s cosmetic surgeon.”

2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney seemed headed to victory at Las Vegas before Ross Chastain’s spin brought out the caution with six laps to go. Blaney hit the pits, but Joey Logano stayed out to steal the win. Blaney finished 11th and leads the points standings.

“I guess we should have stayed out,” Blaney said. “It was a regrettable decision, but we can always learn from our mistakes. As a team, we usually meet and discuss the big mistakes we’ve made. We call it the ‘craps!’ table.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Las Vegas and is third in the Cup series points standings.

“Compared to Daytona,” Harvick said, “this race was pretty boring. There were no huge crashes, no photo finish, and no President taking a lap. So apparently, what happens in Daytona stays in Daytona.”

4. Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse finished third in the Pennzoil 400 and is fifth in the Cup points standings.

“It’s early in the season,” Stenhouse said. “I know because I’m fifth in the points standings.

“But I believe I can keep it going, because I believe in myself, and unlike Aaron Rodgers, I believe in God. I don’t think Danica Patrick shared my faith. Clearly, she was less in tune with the ‘heavenly father,’ and more in tune with ‘Go Daddy.’”

5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished ninth in the Pennzoil 400.

“The members of the 1980 Olympics gold medal-winning hockey team served as grand marshals,” Larson said. “The last time this sport experienced a ‘Miracle On Ice,’ was when Jeremy Mayfield was able to drive while high on meth.”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Las Vegas.

“It was a tough day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Hamlin said. “No one finished better than 15th. So, you could say, here in Las Vegas, JGR went ‘bust.’ In other words, it was a case of ‘Toyota-ta‘s.’”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott won the first 2 stages at Las Vegas, but suffered a flat tire with 50 laps remaining, which ruined any chance for the win. Elliott eventually finished 26th, one lap down, and is seventh in the points standings.

“I was dominating the race,” Elliott said. “My chances of winning the race were high, then, ‘Poof!,’ it all came crashing to a halt. It was the epitome of the phrase ‘Odds and ends.’”

8. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished fourth at Las Vegas after posting a 12th in the Daytona 500. He is sixth in the points standings.

“Did you see Michael Waltrip in the ‘Between Two Buschs’ segment on Fox’s pre-race coverage?” Dillon said. “Michael looked stoned. If his brother Darrell did the ‘Ickey Shuffle,’ then Michael must be doing the ‘Sticky Ickey Shuffle.’”

9. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto took the runner-up spot in Las Vegas in just his second race with Wood Brothers Racing.

“Obviously,” DiBenedetto said, “staying on the track during that late caution was the right call. And Ryan Blaney and William Byron learned a hard lesson about taking new tires. So, to all those who believe you should always take fresh rubber during a caution, well, they just need to ‘get a grip.’”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 14th on a tough day for Joe Gibbs Racing, who failed to place a driver in the top 10.

“I’ve won seven consecutive Truck Series races,” Busch said. “And Kevin Harvick has offered a $50,000 bounty to any full-time Cup driver who beats me in the next four races. Harvick can take that money and shove it, right back into his bank account because no one’s going to claim it.”

February 25, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Martin Truex Jr. down the stretch at Homestead to win the Monster Energy Cup title, his second championship.

“I’m the Monster Energy Cup champion,” Busch said. “That bears repeating because I just repeated as champion. At what better place than the site of the Ford EchoBoost 400 to say it again?”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Homestead, but left asking ‘What might have been?’ after a pit road error in which his crew switched his left-front and right-front tires.

“That’s an inexcusable mistake,” Truex said. “It basically cost me the championship. I’m of good mind to take a ‘switch’ to the crew members responsible.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin’s day at Homestead was marred by an overheating issue that necessitated an unscheduled pit stop. Hamlin never could get back into contention and finished 10th.

“We tried a bold aerodynamic move,” Hamlin said, “by placing tape on the front of the No. 11 FedEx Camry. We went for ‘broke,’ and you could say, unfortunately, that it worked all too well.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Homestead as Kyle Busch took the championship.

“We were great on short runs,” Harvick said, “but struggled on the long runs. So, in the long run, we came up short.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Homestead, posting his 12th top-five of the season.

“It sucked not being able to defend my championship,” Logano said. “In other words, it sucked to be me.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 11th in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

“Congratulations to Kyle Busch,” Blaney said. “He’s lucky to be champion. If Martin Truex Jr.’s crew knows left from right, Kyle’s probably not champion. In the end, what’s left is Kyle is the rightful champion.”

7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished sixth in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

“We’re all looking forward to the off-season,” Bowyer said. “Take this as a public service announcement if you like, but I’m looking forward to drinking and not driving.”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Homestead, the best result among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

“I feel bad for Martin Truex Jr.,” Bowman said. “He should be champion. But let’s not be too hard on his crew team. They are all a bunch of good guys who do things the right way. They know right from wrong, just not right from left.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th at Homestead.

“Kyle Busch is still an ‘ass,’” Keselowski said, “because he really ‘ass-erted’ himself at Homestead. Now, he has ‘ass’-econd Cup championship.”

10. Chase Elliott: Elliott took 15th in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

“Even though we didn’t finish strong,” Elliott said, “I’m confident in our prospects next year. I’m hungry, the car and engine program are solid, and my crew knows a left front tire from a right front tire.”

November 19, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth at Phoenix and will be joined by Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Kyle Busch and Denny Hamlin in the final four.

“Toyota is well-represented in the finale,” Truex said. “And Kevin Harvick is the lone Ford driver. So, JGR is trying to keep this title ‘in-house;’ Harvick’s trying to keep it ‘in-country.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won at Phoenix to claim a spot in the championship finale at Homestead. He joins Kevin Harvick and Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Martin Truex Jr. and Kyle Busch.

“I had to sweat out a late restart before I could breathe easy,” Hamlin said. “After I pulled ahead, I could ‘FedEx-hale.’”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Phoenix and finished second to secure his spot in the finale at Homestead.

“It’s going to be wild at Homestead,” Busch said. “I think you have the four best drivers battling for the championship. So, there are three drivers standing in my way and 35 other drivers standing in our way.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Phoenix and will be the lone Ford driver in the championship field.

“And then there was ‘4,’” Harvick said, “or, ‘And then there were four.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Phoenix and failed to make the championship field.

“I won’t be able to defend my Cup championship,” Logano said. “So, I’ve gone from ‘Sliced Bread’ to ‘Toast.’”

6. Ryan Blaney: Needing a win to advance, Blaney finished third at Phoenix.

“I came up just a bit short,” Blaney said. “Which is also something people said when I cut my hair.”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth in the Bluegreen 500 at Phoenix and failed to make the field of four for Homestead.

“It sucks racing in the finale with no chance to become champion,” Larson said. “So, forget Homestead; I’d rather be ‘home instead.’”

8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished eighth at Phoenix, recording his 17th top 10 of the year.

“I’m pulling for my Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick,” Bowyer said. “And I’ll do absolutely anything to help him win, except spin intentionally. I have to draw the line somewhere and that line separates me from Bubba Wallace.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took 10th in the Bluegreen Vacations 500, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

“Penske Racing won’t be bringing home a Cup championship this year,” Keselowski said. “The only ‘moving’ we’ll be doing is moving out of the way of the championship contenders.”

10. Chase Elliott: Needing a win to advance, Elliott crashed in the final stage and finished 39th.

“My last three races were downright abysmal,” Elliott said. “If my No. 9 car would have gone half as fast as the speed with which I dropped out of contention, I would be in Homestead with a chance at the Cup.”

November 11, 2019