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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch fell a lap down early but recovered to post a fourth-place finish at Bristol.

    “Unlike Denny Hamlin,” Busch said, “I would never apologize to a driver whom I passed for the victory. I don’t want anyone to ever say, ‘Kyle Busch puts the ‘ass’ in ‘compassion.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Bristol and overcame a number of impediments, including a loose wheel, contact with Jimmie Johnson, and falling a lap down at one point.

    “That’s called ‘beating adversity,’” Hamlin said. “As we all know, adversity is not even close to being undefeated. In fact, it’s the only thing Kurt Busch has ever beaten in a fight.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 13th at Bristol, two laps down.

    “Congratulations to Denny Hamlin,” Truex said. “But let’s face it, the night belongs to runner-up Matt DiBenedetto, who just recently lost his ride. Fans gave him a standing ovation. And while all those fans were standing, Matt was the one looking for a ‘seat.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano found himself in an early hole after an unscheduled pit stop left him three laps down. He battled his way back to the lead lap, but damage in a Lap 364 accident damaged the nose of his No. 22 Penske Mustang. He finished 16th and is second in the points standings, 39 behind Kyle Busch.

    “It was an up and down night,” Logano said. “Not only for me but for many drivers. There were more ‘uppers’ and ‘downers’ than a sleepover at Tim Richmond’s house.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott took fifth at Bristol to post the best finish for a Chevrolet.

    “I don’t think the No. 9 Hendrick Motorsports car was good enough to win,” Elliott said. “But I’m happy to give Chevy their best finish. It’s a small victory. I guess that’s the result when you ‘manufacture’ a win.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished last at Bristol.

    “Nothing beats a victory burnout with your son in the car,” Harvick said. “I experienced that after winning at Michigan. Bristol was another story. After my performance at Bristol, my son Keelan called a ride-share, because he was ‘Uber-disappointed.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took third in the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race, recording his first top-five since a fifth at Chicagoland in late June.

    “I think fans and drivers alike love night racing,” Keselowski said. “Ask anyone and they’ll tell you, ‘Night racing is way ‘cooler’ than day racing.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Bristol, posting his 13th top 10 of the season.

    “I think Matt DiBenedetto’s performance will certainly get him another job,” Busch said. “But really, he probably would have won the race if stubborn old Ryan Newman had gotten out of his way. Thanks to Newman, DiBenedetto got ‘jobbed.’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 10th, one lap down, at Bristol, posting his 11th top 10 of the season.

    “I cut a tire and triggered an accident that collected several cars,” Blaney said. “Sparks were flying out of the rear end of my car. ‘Sparks’ and ‘rear end’ are never a good combination anywhere, especially at Martinsville after one of their hot dogs.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 at Bristol and finished sixth.

    “How about J.J. Yeley pulling Slayer as a sponsor for his car?” Larson said. “Apparently, some other sponsors didn’t want to be associated with the band. I guess these other sponsors must have a lot of influence, but I think they should mind their own business. It’s a case of ‘heavy meddle.‘”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started third and finished 11th at Watkins Glen, despite tangling with both William Byron and Bubba Wallace.

    “I hear Bubba went on a profanity-laced tirade about me,” Busch said. “He said the ‘A-word,’, the ‘S-word,’ and the ‘F-word.’ Oddly enough, though, no ‘W’s.’”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Watkins Glen, chasing Chase Elliott over the course of the closing laps.

    “I’m not sure I could have even passed Elliott had I got close enough,” Truex said. “His car was too good, and he was too good. Let’s face it, the Chase was on.’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano struggled from the start at Watkins Glen and finished 23rd.

    “My day sucked from the start,” Logano said. “So, with respect to the name of this race being called the ‘Go Bowling At The Glen,’ I will spare you the details. Plus, I’d like to strike this race from my memory. It’s really frustrating. But, of course, it could be worse. I could have three fingers and 16 pound balls.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Go Bowling At The Glen, one week after winning at Pocono.

    “I feel like I’m in form to make a solid run at the Monster Energy Cup championship,” Hamlin said. “I’m on a great team and I have a great car, so what’s stopping me from completing the deal? Certainly not my sponsor, because at least Fed Ex knows how to ‘deliver the goods.’”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and won the Go Bowling At The Glen, earning his second consecutive win at Watkins Glen.

    “I led all but 10 laps,” Elliott said, “and swept all three stages. It was great to get the win, but I have my sights set on the bigger prize. I could care less about a ‘bowl;’ my eyes are on the Cup.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home seventh at Watkins Glen, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “My feet were the featured pair of the ‘Foot Cam’ at Watkins Glen,” Harvick said. “It’s the one time I’d rather not be known as ‘Mr. Clutch,’ because this ‘Foot Cam’ footage always seems to end up on some creepy internet foot fetish site.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th in the Go Bowling At The Glen, one spot ahead of younger brother Kyle.

    “Kyle really pissed off some other drivers,” Busch said. “As you know, the Busch brothers love confrontation on the track, but not necessarily off the track. We’re talkers, not fighters. So, if someone dares us to meet them to settle a difference, we often go the opposite direction. It must be hereditary because it ‘runs’ in the family.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Watkins Glen, earning his 12th top 10 of the year.

    “I got a great deal of satisfaction from seeing Bubba Wallace send Kyle Busch for a spin,” Keselowski said. “Everybody knows Kyle is an ‘ass.’ In fact, he is the king of asses. So, it makes perfect sense that Wallace retaliated, because Kyle was ‘ass-king’ for it.”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Watkins Glen, scoring his third consecutive top-10 finish.

    “I sent Jimmie Johnson into the tire barriers at the carousel turn,” Blaney said. “He’s none too happy about it and he’s vowed revenge. Jimmie has implied that I have a target on my back. Well, I replaced that sign with one that says ‘The Past.’ And I feel pretty safe, because Jimmie’s been chasing ‘the past’ for three years now, and still hasn’t caught it.”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola overcame an early shifter problem to post a 12th-place finish in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

    “I was nearly up ‘Shift Creek,’” Almirola said, “but my pit crew remedied the situation. Now, if I was a Formula 1 driver and my shifter broke, I would be ‘up Shift Creek without a paddle.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second in the Foxwoods Resort Casino 301 and finished eighth, despite a brush with the wall in the final stage.

    “I’ve had lots of experience with walls,” Busch said. “So have people who tried to interview me when I was a young punk.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at New Hampshire and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by three over Kyle Busch.

    “I was just happy to get through the race without suffering from heat exhaustion,” Logano said. “Who’s not at risk of suffering from ‘heat’ exhaustion? NASCAR fans, that’s who. There is not ‘heat,’ also known as ‘rivalries,’ between drivers. And don’t tell me Clint Bowyer vs. Ryan Newman is a feud. It’s not. Newman has a notoriously hard head, and he was wearing a helmet, so he still doesn’t believe that Bowyer actually punched him.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth in the Foxwoods Resorts Casino 301.

    “It was the hottest race ever in New Hampshire,” Truex said. “And it sucked. Some of the younger drivers said it was ‘hot AF.’ I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m fairly sure it’s the exact opposite of ‘Cold AC.’”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick held off Denny Hamlin on the final turn to win at New Hampshire, his second consecutive win at the ‘Magic Mile’ and first victory since Texas in November.

    “Finally!” Harvick said. “I’ve got a win. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. This freedom must feel like what mini-Kevin Harvick feels like when he strips down to his boxers and a T-shirt.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin wrecked in Friday practice and almost took the victory at New Hampshire in a backup car, finishing second to Kevin Harvick.

    “Wrecks in practice are a sure-fire way to ruin a weekend,” Hamlin said. “Just ask my crew.

    “But what about that weather? It was hot. It hovered around 100 degrees, and inside the car, it was even worse. I think Fed Ex should take advantage of this in a promotional sense and offer a new delivery package called the hot box’ for discreet deliveries.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 18th at New Hampshire.

    “The Kevin Harvick-Denny Hamlin duel at the end had a lot in common with me and my brother Kyle’s battle at Kentucky,” Busch said. “The biggest similarity is that in both cases, the drivers involved really do not like each other.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished 10th.

    “It’s good that Stewart-Haas Racing finally has a win,” Keselowski said. “With one word, Kevin Harvick silenced his critics and gave a shout out to one of his sponsors. He said, ‘Bu-schhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered from mechanical issues and finished 29th at New Hampshire.

    “It was a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Elliot said. “We didn’t even have a car finish in the top 10. Plus we went through way too many cars. But I trust this organization’s resiliency. So, trust me when I say we’ll be ‘back up‘ next week.”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney posted his sixth top five of the year with a fourth at New Hampshire.

    “Some guy named Andy Suess made his Cup debut in the No. 51 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Larson said. “And no, he does not drive for ‘The Cat In The Hat’ Jack Roush.”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at New Hampshire and is ninth in the points standings.

    “What a drive by Kevin Harvick,” Almirola said. “He faced a huge amount of pressure from Denny Hamlin, yet Harvick remained calm and held him off. Considering the weather, Kevin picked the perfect day to have ‘ice water in his veins.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Kentucky to older brother Kurt after a dramatic and spirited two-lap battle for the win.

    “What a finish!” Busch said. “I think all the fans were on their feet, which is surprising because in most cases when you mention the Busch brothers, the words ‘can’t stand’ are used.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano led with two laps remaining but was shuffled back on the final restart and finished seventh.

    “If not for that final caution,” Logano said, “I would have won easily. So thanks Bubba Wallace for ruining my night. It may be the first time the No. 43 STP car has actually impacted a race since Richard Petty retired.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 19th in the Quaker State 400, his night hindered by a late pit road speeding penalty.

    “Sure I’m disappointed,” Truex said, “but I got to witness one of the greatest finishes in NASCAR history. As duels go, I don’t think Kurt and Kyle Busch can top this unless they used real guns. If Kurt lost, he would finally be right about one thing–he knew an assassin.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch made a move from third on the final restart at Kentucky, and held off younger brother Kyle to win his first race of the season.

    “I don’t feel bad for my brother,” Kurt Busch said. “He’s already got four wins this year; he can spare a loss to his brother. I hope it humbles him to see me in Victory Lane. As they say, ‘Little brother is watching.’”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 20th at Kentucky, one lap down.

    “I’m disappointed,” Keselowski said, “but I was thrilled to see such an exciting race. The race had nearly everything, although it lacked a driver taking another driver’s hat off and tossing it to the ground. I hope Clint Bowyer’s paying attention because if you’re going to do something to another driver, you should remember to take their hat off first.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered an early flat tire and fell a lap down, but worked his way back through the field to salvage a 15th-place finish.

    “One week ago,” Elliott said, “the No. 77 car won at Daytona with Justin Haley behind the wheel. At Kentucky, some person named ‘Quin Houff’ drove the 77 and finished 34th, eight laps down. What’s my point? The closest Quin Houff will ever get to being Justin Haley is only by listening to Metallica’s ‘Ride The Lightning’ album.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 22nd in the Quaker State 400. 

    “The No. 4 Ford sported the Hunt Brothers Pizza paint scheme,” Harvick said. “But my car just wasn’t up to par. If my car’s performance was pizza, it would be the kind of pizza served in convenience stores.” 

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin stormed back from an uncontrolled tire penalty to post a fifth at Kentucky, as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three cars in the top five.

    “Erik Jones could have easily won that race,” Hamlin said. “He had a front-row seat for the Kurt Busch-Kyle Busch battle. If they wreck, Erik wins. So, no one wanted to see the Busch’s wreck more than Erik. But let me be clear: everyone wanted to see them wreck; just none more than Erik.”

    9. Alex Bowman: Alex Bowman finished 17th at Kentucky and is ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 192 out of first.

    “My Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron had a good shot at the win,” Bowman said, “but he jumped a restart and had to serve a stop-and-go penalty. Apparently, he got duped by Clint Bowyer. But really, does Bowyer actually know when or when not to ‘punch it?’”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth in the Quaker State 400.

    “Chris Buescher’s JTG Daugherty Chevrolet was sponsored by Planters Peanuts,” Larson said. “So you may have seen their mascot, Mr. Peanut, at Kentucky Speedway in the pits. That’s unusual because, at most NASCAR races, those without pants are usually in the infield.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was one of 17 cars victimized on lap 119 when Austin Dillon and Clint Bowyer made contact, spinning Dillion into oncoming traffic. Truex finished 22nd.

    “All four Joe Gibbs Racing cars were damaged in that accident,” Truex said. “And Joe Gibbs was feeling really down about it. It’s a far cry from the elation Joe felt from winning three Super Bowls. Seeing four cars damaged in a single wreck? Well, that ‘Super blows.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 14th in a wild and rain-shortened Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “This will certainly be the defining moment of Justin Haley’s career,” Busch said. “Will he ever be able to duplicate this feat? Ironically, he was the winner because lightning struck twice.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 and finished 25th at Daytona, his chances at the win ended when he was collected in a massive pileup on lap 119.

    “Like many,” Logano said, “I got caught in the big wreck caused by Austin Dillon and/or Clint Bowyer. Who’s to blame? In tennis, they would call it a ‘double fault.’ In football, it would be called ‘pass interference.’ In NASCAR, it’s called ‘racing.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski wrecked on lap 83 after a big push from Kevin Harvick turned the No. 2 Penske Racing Ford. Keselowski finished 39th.

    “Now that’s what I call getting ‘rear-ended,’” Keselowski said. “Of course, when your car is rendered useless, you need to catch a ride. So, I did, in fact, ‘Lyft.’”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 35th at Daytona.

    “At the speeds seen at Daytona,” Elliott said, “the turbulence is extreme. It even caused the decals of some guys to peel off. It’s just another way that NASCAR is ‘losing sponsorship.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th at Daytona, but could have been the winner if NASCAR officials had called off a restart just a few moments earlier. Instead, Busch surrendered the lead to pit, thinking a restart was imminent.

    “The win was mine,” Busch said, “until NASCAR decided to shaft me. I feel like I just got punched in the stomach, which is a weird feeling because I’m used to getting punched in the face.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 29th at Daytona, suffering extensive damage in a lap 83 crash, and then cutting a tire later.

    “My car was all over the place,” Harvick said. “Now, I can spin that in an interview in which I mention sponsors and say, ‘The No.4 Jimmy John’s Ford Mustang was ‘going places.’

    ‘I sure gave Brad Keselowski a big bump. Sadly, it knocked him out of the race. I guess I gave him a personal ‘drive-through penalty.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 26th in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “This may have been the last time we raced at Daytona in July,” Hamlin said. “The 2020 schedule shows an August date at Daytona, making it the regular-season finale. So, I guess there will no longer be fireworks, but with most of the field scrambling for a last chance playoff spot, there at least will be plenty of ‘sparks.’”

    9. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 21st at Daytona.

    “That’s two consecutive first-time race winners,” Bowman. “First me at Chicagoland, then Justin Haley at Daytona. I thought I was young; have you seen Haley? He’s just a kid. But let’s face it, Kurt Busch should have been the winner at Daytona. And Kurt’s his typical whiny self about it. No matter whose side you’re on, the Daytona winner is acting ‘childish.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished seventh at Daytona.

    “Justin Haley captured what has to be the most unlikely win in Daytona history,” Almirola said. “Sure he was lucky, but he was awfully grateful afterward, thanking his Almighty Father and his Mother Nature.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth in the CampingWorld 400.

    “We just couldn’t get the handling right,” Truex said. “And it’s not like we didn’t attempt several changes and combinations. We went with the ‘Tim Richmond formula because we ‘tried everything.’”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Chicagoland and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Thunderstorms caused a lengthy delay after just 11 laps were completed,” Logano said. “Should NASCAR have simply just delayed the start of the race? Logic would suggest they should have, but since when has NASCAR taken any suggestions, much less from logic?”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled with handling at Chicagoland and came home 22nd, one lap down, in the CampingWorld 400.

    “The handling was one thing,” Busch said, “but I also had to deal with a smoke-filled cockpit due to burning rubber. Luckily, I didn’t inhale. There are, however, lots of people who would love to see me ‘in hell.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Chicagoland.

    “How about the ‘Kroger Helmet Cam?’” Keselowski said. “It’s a great feature. It gives fans a bird’s-eye view of what a driver sees. It’s too bad Ryan Newman wasn’t wearing it at the All-Star Race back in May. That way, fans could have seen what a totally harmless Clint Bowyer punch looks like.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 11th at Chicagoland.

    “We had a disastrous pit stop after Stage 2,” Elliott said. “The tire changer’s hose got stuck under the car. It’s one thing to ‘pimp’ your hose, it’s another thing entirely to ‘crimp’ your hose. Of course, we never want that to happen again. So we’ve made sure all crew members understand they have to keep their hoses in check.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stage 2 and led the most laps at Chicagoland, but still came up short of winning with a 14th-place result.

    “I slapped the wall on Lap 172,” Harvick said. “I got loose, and there went any chance I had of breaking my season-long winless streak. It’s at 18 races. But don’t be surprised if the wall comes into play again, because, at this point, I’m so frustrated, I’d drive through a concrete wall for a win.” 

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 and finished 15th at Chicagoland.

    “This may have been NASCAR’s most exciting race so far this year,” Hamlin said. “I’m not sure what the exact numbers were, but I’m guessing Sunday’s rating, in true Chicago fashion, absolutely murdered those of previous races.”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman held off Kyle Larson to win at Chicagoland, picking up his first Monster Energy Cup series win.

    “I got my car stuck in the grass after my celebratory burn out,” Bowman said. “I forget it had rained cats and dogs earlier. Needless to say, I’ve been ‘swamped’ with ridicule.”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth at Chicagoland, posting his third consecutive top-10 finish.

    “The race started about three hours later due to storms,” Blaney said. “It was a long and boring wait for the fans. But don’t knock weather delays. Often, they can be more exciting than the race. But not this race. This race was very exciting. It had everything: exciting restarts, four-wide racing, and passes for the lead. But its most positive attribute was what it lacked—Darrell Waltrip.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th in the CampingWorld 400.

    “Word is the 2021 NASCAR schedule will be shorter than 2019,” Busch said. “So, it’s apparently true what stock car old-schoolers have been saying for a long time: ‘NASCAR is less ‘event-ful’ than it used to be.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex assumed the lead on Lap 68 and held off Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch to win the Toyota Save/Mart 350.

    “I knew I needed to keep Kyle behind me,” Truex said. “Nothing motivates me more than seeing his car in my rear-view mirror. I hate losing. And I hate losing to Kyle. I don’t know what I hate more: losing, losing to Kyle, or Kyle.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Sonoma as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Martin Truex Jr. took the win.

    “After the last round of pit stops,” Busch said, “Truex had over an eight-second lead. I cut that down to nearly a second. So, I at least made it interesting. Needless to say, NASCAR as a whole could use a lot more Kyle Busch’s.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano suffered battery issues at Sonoma and finished 23rd.

    “Battery issues can be very depressing,” Logano said, “but you can’t let it get you down. Much like a good battery, I like to stay positive. And motivational words always help. I like to say, ‘Charge!’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th at Sonoma.

    “Roger Penske is being awarded the Medal Of Freedom by President Donald Trump,” Keselowski said. “Does this mean Roger is the next member of Trump’s cabinet? Probably not. In any case, at least Roger’s trophy room just got a new ‘cabinet’ member.

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott’s engine blew on Lap 61, leading to a disappointing 37th-place finish at Sonoma.

    “The road course at Sonoma is very taxing on an engine,” Elliott said. “My engine was exhausted. You could tell because ‘it left it all on the track.’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Sonoma

    “How about Matt DiBenedetto?” Harvick said. “He passed Jimmie Johnson and myself late to claim fourth place. Between Jimmie and I, there are eight Cup championships. Matt could very well be the next ‘big name’ in this sport, but only because his last name has a whopping five syllables.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took Stage 2 at Sonoma and ultimately finished fifth, as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 10, with Martin Truex Jr. and Kyle Busch going 1-2.

    “Joe Gibbs Racing boasts quite the stable,” Hamlin said. “Not only our drivers, but our engine department, as well. They even offer their technical expertise to other teams. It’s called the JGR ‘Stud Service.’ Satisfaction is guaranteed as soon as you hit the ignition. In other words, it’s a real ‘turn on.’”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third at Sonoma.

    “This was Darrell Waltrip’s last race as an announcer on Fox,” Blaney said. “I think a lot of people are glad to see him go. His shtick was becoming a little tiresome. Maybe Fox told him to take a short walk off a long pier. Now, could someone please tell Michael Waltrip to take a ‘grid walk’ off a short pier?”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “Sonoma is in the heart of California’s wine country,” Busch said. “People there eat, sleep, and breathe wine. Me and my brother Kyle feel right at home here, because most people consider us ‘whine’ connoisseurs.”

    10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th at Sonoma.

    “Hendrick Motorsports put another car on the pole,” Bowman said. “William Byron qualified first, giving HMS six this season. It’s not quite a win, but it’s great for our confidence. Hey, we’ll take any trip to ‘small Victory Lane.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole and survived an overtime restart to win at Michigan, giving Penske Racing its fifth win of the season.

    “That’s five wins for Penske,” Logano said. “Joe Gibbs Racing has nine. The rest of the field has one. That should be very alarming to NASCAR. It may be the ultimate in competition cautions.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the FireKeepers Casino 400 and is now second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, nine points behind Joey Logano.

    “My brother Kurt almost got the win,” Busch said. “But alas, he finished second, which, interestingly enough, is better than he finishes when our parents rank their children, and they only have two kids.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win after starting on pole.

    “It was a great day for Ford Motor Company in its place of origin,” Keselowski said. “Six of the top nine cars were Fords. I was lucky enough to dine with the Ford family on Thursday night. They, like me, will tell you that nothing beats ‘home cooking.’”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third in The FireKeepers Casino 400 after Joey Logano pulled away on a late restart to get the win.

    “I feel like Logano jumped the restart,” Truex said. “By the letter of the rule book, NASCAR officials should have penalized Logano and taken the win from him. That’s not unusual. You saw it in the Canadian Grand Prix. Sebastian Vettel finished first on the track, but a controversial penalty dropped him to second, and left him fuming. Vettel wnnt from ‘F1 to FU.’”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home 20th at Michigan, his worst finish of the season.

    “Sunday was rained out,” Elliott said. “And we didn’t start on Sunday until 5 p.m. because Fox wanted to televise women’s World Cup soccer. It’s just further proof that NASCAR will always lose out to some sort of football. Ironically, in soccer, people complain because there’s too much passing.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started third and finished seventh at Michigan, and remained winless on the season.

    “I’m very frustrated with my lack of wins,” Harvick said. “It’s hard for me to verbally express my dissatisfaction, so I’ll do so with the No. 4 car sponsored exclusively by Busch beer. It’s ‘total Busch-it.’” 

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took 11th in the FireKeepers Casino 400.

    “We all love driving in races sponsored by casinos,” Hamlin said. “Little known fact: drivers gamble on more than just fuel mileage. Poker is the game of choice for most drivers. We take that to the next level by playing during races. ‘How can you drive, shift, and hold your cards?,’ some may ask. Well, with the help of the ‘HANDS Device,’ of course.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch chased Joey Logano to the end at Michigan, but couldn’t manage to make the pass and settled for the runner-up sport.

    “Several drivers tossed a football with fans during the rain delay,” Busch said. “I’m not the most athletic guy, so I didn’t participate. Heck, my last interaction with ‘pigskin’ was when I met with a back-alley plastic surgeon who suggested hog ear cartilage for reconstructive surgery.”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth at Michigan, scoring his first top-10 result since a fourth at Bristol in April.

    “Former NASCAR CEO Brian France pleaded guilty to driving while intoxicated,” Blaney said. “His grandfather Bill is a member of the NASCAR Hall Of Fame; now Brian can finally say he got ‘busted,’ as well.”

    10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 10th at Michigan, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

    “HMS used to win championships,” Bowman said, “much less races. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. HMS used to be the preeminent race team. Now, it seems Hendrick has entered the ‘post-eminent’ stage.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Pocono and led 79 laps on his way to the win in the Pocono 400. It was Busch’s fourth win of the season.

    “That was my 55th Cup win,” Busch said. “That ties me with Rusty Wallace for ninth on the all-time list. Rusty is a NASCAR legend. Anytime I’m on any list alongside Rusty Wallace, I’m thrilled unless that list is Ryan Newman’s ‘S’ list.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at Pocono as Penske Racing placed two cars in the top 10.

    “Penske Racing is still riding high from Josef Newgarden’s win in the Indianapolis 500 on May 26th,” Logano said. “Unfortunately, as the last two races suggest, Joe Gibbs Racing has been drinking our milk.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took second at Pocono, posting his sixth top five of the season.

    “There was no catching Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said. “I was on his bumper one second; the next second, he was gone. Usually, when I say ‘Kyle Busch is out of my life,’ it brings me immense joy. Not so in this case.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s engine expired on Lap 91, ending his day at Pocono. He finished 35th and is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “What’s something that blew up at Pocono?” Truex said. “My engine. What’s something that didn’t blow up at Pocono? Television ratings for the race.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fourth at Pocono, posting his fifth consecutive top-five finish, the longest streak of his career.

    “Hendrick Motorsports still only has one win all season,” Elliott said. “Sure, it doesn’t stack up to Joe Gibbs Racing’s nine wins, or Penske Racing’s four, but Rick Hendrick told us not to be discouraged, and to look for motivation in the ‘small victories.’”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth at Pocono as Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Kyle Busch and Erik Jones finished first and third, respectively.

    “I ended a streak of four consecutive finishes of 15th or worse,” Hamlin said. “I’m happy because the last thing I want to be is the low man on the totem pole at JGR. To avoid that, I simply have to keep up with the ‘Jones’s.’”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th at Pocono.

    “My little brother Kyle won the race,” Busch said, “in a car sponsored by ‘Hazelnut Spread M&M’s.’ That’s amazing. I think there are now more types of M&M’s than there were passes for the lead on Sunday.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was in contention late at Pocono before a penalty for an uncontrolled tire ruined his day. Things got even worse when mechanical problems arose soon after the penalty.

    “I was driving the Busch beer ‘Millennial’ car,” Harvick said. “Any rational observer would have thought Kyle Busch was driving the ‘Millennial’ car, what with the ‘Hazelnut Spread M&M’s’ logo splashed across it.”

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home fifth in the Pocono 400, scoring his fifth top five of the season.

    “I’m pleased with our result,” Bowyer said. “The only person I wanted to punch after this race was the NASCAR official who implemented this rules package.”

    10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 15th at Pocono and is now 11th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “My Hendrick teammate William Byron won his second consecutive pole,” Bowman said. “That gives Hendrick a series-best six poles. So, our history of qualifying is sterling, but our history of winning is checkered.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Despite contact with the wall in Stage 1, Truex recovered and sealed the win at Charlotte with a daring four-wide pass for the lead on the final restart.

    “What better advocate for going ‘four-wide’ than Joe Gibbs,” Truex said. “Joe made the ‘four wide receiver’ set commonplace in the NFL of the 1990s.

    “I’m just glad my move didn’t cause an accident. The last thing we need is another upset driver punching another. Of course, my teammate is Kyle Busch, so I can definitely understand the desire to punch someone. His brother Kurt may have an even more punchable face. In fact, Kurt’s face has been‘rearranged’ before, when a plastic surgeon downsized his ears.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third in Charlotte and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by six over Joey Logano.

    “This race lasted a grueling five hours,” Busch said. “It’s grueling for drivers, but even more grueling for a crew chief who has to listen to his driver complain for nearly all of those five hours.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano took the runner-up spot in the Coca-Cola 600.

    “I got close to Martin Truex Jr. at the end,” Logano said, “but not close enough to give him the old ‘bump and run,’ the ‘run’ of which means I run and hide afterward. But he did a great job defending his position. He had the best car, and I wasn’t going to pass him. And, as they say, ‘there was no way around it.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stages 1 and 2 at Charlotte, but blew a tire and slammed the wall with 10 laps to go. He finished 19th, two laps back.

    “The No. 2 Miller Lite was dominant in the first two stages,” Keselowski said, “but certainly not in the last stage. But ‘the No. 2’ out of 3 ain’t bad.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fourth at Charlotte, recording his fifth top five of the season.

    “The Sunday before Memorial Day is the greatest day in motorsports,” Elliott said. “Fans on the East Coast can enjoy breakfast at Monaco, lunch at Indianapolis, and an appetizer, nice dinner, desert, and a bedtime snack at Charlotte.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Charlotte, and is third in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 50 out of first.

    “Congratulations to Tony Stewart on his Hall Of Fame induction,” Harvick said. “Boy, I can’t wait to hear Tony’s induction speech. It will probably be four letters long.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Charlotte.

    “I hit the wall in Stage 2,” Hamlin said, “then hit it harder on the race’s final lap. Luckily, cars and drivers are equipped with so many safety devices, you really can’t feel the impact. Someone should remind Clint Bowyer of that.”

    8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 24th in the Coca Cola 600.

    “You probably saw me punching Ryan Newman after the All-Star race,” Bowyer said. “I didn’t even let Ryan get out of his car! Needless to say, Ryan said he ‘won’t take this sitting down.’”

    9. Alex Bowman: Bowman started 13th and finished seventh at Charlotte, and is 10th in the points standings.

    “My Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron started on the pole,” Bowman said, “becoming the youngest ever on the pole at for the 600. He was ecstatic. He was on ‘Cloud 9.’ Several decades ago, you could have said he was ‘sitting on the top of the World 600.’”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch struggled at Charlotte, finishing 27th, four laps down.

    “Charlotte Flair drove the pace car for the race,” Busch said. “As you probably know, Charlotte Flair is the daughter of wrestling legend Ric Flair. Incidentally, ‘Charlotte Flair’ is also the name of the downtown Charlotte club where you’re most likely to find Michael Waltrip.”