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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson dominated at Darlington, leading 263 laps, but faded late on his way to a fourth-place finish in the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “Darlington is a race steeped in NASCAR tradition,” Larson said. “And nothing puts the ‘Southern’ in the ‘Southern 500’ quite like an Australian accent calling the race.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Darlington.

    “Is Richard Childress the biggest crybaby in NASCAR?” Hamlin said. “He must be. He still thinks his grandson Austin Dillon’s actions at Richmond should not be penalized. Talk about an entitled @%#$^&. Of course, I could be talking about Childress or Dillon.”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick’s No. 45 Toyota was fast, but he was afflicted with stomach issues all race long. But the 23XI driver toughed it out and finished 10th and won the regular season title.

    “I did some unspeakable things in the cockpit of my car,” Reddick said. “My crew was actually calling me ‘Austin Cindric,’ because I was driving the ‘No. 2’ car.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell finished third in the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “Darlington is one of the longest races on the schedule,” Bell said. “And I don’t just mean for drivers. Some fans have actually been known to sober up during the race.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th at Darlington.

    “Luckily,” Keselowski said, “I had already clinched a playoff spot, so my race was fairly drama-free. I wasn’t on the playoff bubble. I guess, in the context of this race, the ‘playoff bubble’ was what was going on in Tyler Reddick’s stomach.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled at Darlington but put up a late charge to finish 11th in the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “I wasn’t much of a factor on Sunday,” Elliott said. “I mean, it could have been worse. I could have been the car that finished directly behind Tyler Reddick. Talk about a debris caution. So much for clean air.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was knocked out of the race just two laps in when Martin Truex Jr. lost control and slammed into Blaney’s No. 12 Penske Ford. The damage eliminated both cars, with Blaney finishing last in 37th.

    “Martin was man enough to take responsibility for the accident,” Blaney said. “He even called himself an ‘idiot.’ It’s refreshing to see someone in this sport with the integrity to call themselves that. If only someone else had the integrity to call their grandson an idiot.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch was unable to chase down Chase Briscoe in the closing laps at Darlington and took the runner-up spot. Needing a win to advance, he will miss the Playoffs.

    “My No. 8 car was primarily sponsored by Morgan And Morgan,” Busch said. “They are a personal injury law firm, and I can proudly say that not only does M & M call me a client, they often call me a defendant.”

    9. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe drove his way into the Playoffs, dramatically holding off Kyle Busch in the closing laps to win the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “Stewart-Haas Racing is closing its doors after this season,” Briscoe said, “so I’m very hesitant to say I’m ‘fired’ up for the Playoffs.”

    10. Bubba Wallace: Wallace started on the pole and finished 16th in the Cook Out Southern 500, a result that wasn’t quite good enough to clinch a playoff spot.

    “Michael Jordan was in the pits again offering his support,” Wallace said. “He’s put a lot of money into the 23XI Racing team. I don’t know exactly how much, but if Michael’s invested just half as much in this team as he’s lost on the golf course, then 23XI should be worth billions.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona Coke Zero Sugar 400

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona Coke Zero Sugar 400

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Christopher Bell: Bell finished third in the Coke Zero Sugar 400 at Daytona.

    “Ty Gibbs’ No. 54 car featured advertising for a Ronald Reagan movie,” Bell said. “It’s too bad this movie wasn’t made 20-some years ago, because there could have been a car touting ‘Dick Trickle-Down Economics.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was collected in a Lap 61 pile-up that involved 18 cars. The damage ended Hamlin’s day and he finished 38th.

    “We got hit earlier this week with a huge penalty,” Hamlin said. “And it cost us 75 points and more importantly, 10 playoff points. So, I wasn’t at all worried about the ‘Big One’ in the race, because it would pale in comparison.”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick was involved in the Lap 61 “Big One,” but survived only to be collected in “Big One No. 2” on Lap 191. He finished 28th.

    “I’m not sure which idiot caused those accidents,” Reddick said, but it really affected several playoff drivers, including myself. I guess there’s a big difference between a ‘know-driving’ driver and a ‘no-driving’ driver.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was penalized for jumping the restart on a late restart, ending his chances at the win at Daytona. He was forced to serve a drive-through penalty and finished a disappointing eighth.

    “I don’t always agree with NASCAR’s decisions,” Keselowski said. “In fact, I never do, because they’re always wrong. But arguing with NASCAR officials is like arguing with a brick wall. But I’d much rather argue with a brick wall.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson survived Lap 61’s “Big One’ and went on to a 21st-place finish in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “You probably heard me say I think I’m a better driver than Formula 1 star Max Verstappen,” Larson said. “I guess I’m gonna have to do one of two things: get more feet, or get a bigger mouth.”

    6. Bubba Wallace: Wallace survived the chaos at Daytona and finished sixth in the Coke Zero Sugar 400, boosting his playoff chances.

    “The Playoffs are looking much more likely for us,” Wallace said. “I think having Michael Jordan in the pits is always good for the team. If there’s anyone that’s familiar with the ‘odds,’ it’s Michael.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 29th at Daytona, a victim, like many, of a wild and wreck-filled night.

    “I’m ready to defend my Cup Series championship,” Blaney said. “I’m really ready for the Playoffs to start. There are two things I really hate. One is waiting, the other is overtime restarts.”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott’s No. 9 Chevy was knocked out of the race on Lap 61, a victim of the “Big One” triggered when Ross Chastain was turned mid-pack in front of the field. Elliott was credited with a 36th-place finish.

    “Not only am I NASCAR’s most popular driver,” Elliott said, “I’m also its most laid back. I’ve always liked my dad’s nickname, so I’d like to be known as ‘Awesome Chill From Dawsonville.’”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch was oh so close to the win at Daytona, but Harrison Burton’s pass on the final lap denied Busch extending his streak of a win in twenty straight seasons, and also denied him a playoff-clinching win.

    “I don’t know what I’m losing more,” Busch said. “Races, or patience. I guess I’m cursed. Which is only fair, because I’ve done my share of “cursing.’”

    10. (tie): William Byron: Byron finished 27th at Daytona.

    “It was a chaotic night at Daytona,” Byron said. “There was smoke, there was fire, there was Corey LaJoie.”

    10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a flat tire early at Daytona and fell out of contention, falling a lap down. He eventually finished 24th.”It’s too bad that my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin was handed down a stiff penalty,” Truex said. “It wasn’t even the team’s fault; Toyota Racing Development did it and self-reported the infraction. I guess as far as Denny’s concerned, ‘TRD’ will now stand for ‘That’s Real Dumb.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Michigan and finished ninth in the FireKeepers Casino 400. An early slide through the glass hurt Hamlin’s chances of earning his first win at Michigan since 2011.

    “My No. 11 Toyota was primarily sponsored by Yahoo,” Hamlin said, “and primarily powered by a ‘search engine.’”

    2. Tyler Reddick: Reddick assumed the lead on Lap 188 and led the rest of the way to capture the FireKeepers Casino 400, his second win of the year.

    “Of course,” Reddick said, “NASCAR threw a caution when Martin Truex Jr. hit the wall with six laps to go. Truex had the car totally under control, so it didn’t even need to be a caution. If you heard me cursing over my team’s radio, I’ll give you a family-friendly translation: ‘Ba da ba ba baaa, I’m not loving it.’”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson’s day at Michigan ended when he got loose on Lap 115, triggering an accident that collected several cars. Larson finished 34th.

    “As they say,” Larson said, “you can’t spell ‘aerodynamics’ without ‘damn.’ Now, I’m going to do something Austin Dillon would not, and apologize to all the drivers I wrecked.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Michigan.

    “I’m from Michigan,” Keselowski said, “so I know the fans wanted to see me win. And I hear they also wanted to see Jim Harbaugh as my crew chief, just so they can find out who he’d choose as his ‘spotter.’”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1 and finished 18th in the FireKeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.

    “Were there two cars sponsored by Overstock?” Blaney said. “They might as well be sponsored by ‘Overkill.’”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell was collected on Lap 115 when Kyle Larson lost control and collected several cars. The damage ended Bell’s day and he finished 35th.

    “Speeds at Michigan were upwards of 200 miles per hour,” Bell said, “which is approximately what Austin Dillon was doing when he ran into Joey Logano at Richmond.”

    7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 15th at Michigan.

    “That’s just a mediocre result,” Elliott said. “And not really a reason for a celebration down at the Dawsonville Pool Room. But those people don’t need a ‘cue’ to consume alcohol.”

    8. William Byron: Byron took the runner-up spot at Michigan and is now 7th in the points standings.

    “That was a crazy wreck by Corey LaJoie,” Byron said. “He flipped and slid on his roof for a pretty good distance. ‘Upside down’ is the operative phrase for that team, because LaJoie was ‘upside down’ on the track, and Spire Motorsports is ‘upside down’ on loans.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex saw a solid finish evaporate when he got loose and smacked the wall on Lap 194. He finished 24th.

    “I think NASCAR made the right decision to take the win away from Austin Dillon,” Truex said. “NASCAR could have wimped out and done nothing. So, as it stands, only Austin Dillon is ‘chicken s$#t.’”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Michigan.

    “My brother Kurt was arrested on August 14th on DWI and reckless driving charges in Iredell County,” Busch said. “I can certainly relate. Look, I’ve been there, and by ‘been there,’ I mean ‘in court, pleading guilty.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Richmond and had a win in hand on the final corner, but was intentionally wrecked by Austin Dillon. Hamlin finished second.

    “I’d like to sarcastically welcome Austin Dillon to the Playoffs,” Hamlin said, “and go ahead and wish him a fond farewell from the Playoffs after Bristol on September 21st.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished seventh at Richmond, posting his 12th top 10 of the season.

    “I won the Knoxville Nationals on the dirt on Saturday night,” Larson said. “I like racing on any type of track. It just goes to show that I’m the best driver in NASCAR; that is, unless some bad news ‘surfaces.’”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished third in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.

    “Austin Dillon was simply out of control,” Reddick said. “In his defense, he was just doing what Pop Pop told him to. But I think NASCAR needs to take a strong stand against this type of dangerous driving. I think it’s only fair that Dillon be suspended for the first three races of the Playoffs.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 at Richmond but was nabbed for speeding on pit road in Stage 3. The drive-through penalty likely cost him the win and he finished sixth.

    “Sometimes,” Bell said, “your car is so fast, you can’t help but go too fast. And sometimes, your car is so fast, NASCAR finds a way to penalize you just to make for a more competitive finish. And they definitely got what they asked for.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home 11th at Richmond.

    “I had a pretty good view of the crazy finish at the front,” Blaney said. “And I think NASCAR’s ambiguous reaction to Austin Dillon’s actions can be described with two words that have dual meanings: ‘fair game.’”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished ninth in the Cook Out 400.

    “This was the first points race in which we had two types of Goodyear tires to choose from,” Elliott said. “There was the ‘prime’ tire, which is the harder compound, and the ‘option’ tire, which is the softer compound. It definitely made things much more interesting, for drivers and fans alike. You could say the tire choice has ‘compounded’ interest.”

    7. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Richmond.

    “Kyle Busch started the race with a wrap on his sprained wrist,” Byron said. “But he got some scissors in the pits and cut it off. I’m sure it still hurts though. So, Kyle is one driver who, should NASCAR decide to punish him, might actually be hurt by a ‘slap on the wrist.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th at Richmond.

    “NASCAR racing is back after a two-week break for the Olympic Games,” Bowman said. “Now it’s back to the gold, silver, and bronze NASCAR fans are accustomed to, which is Gold Bond, The Silver Bullet Coors Light, and bronzer for their fake tans.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a blown engine on Lap 251 and finished 37th in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.

    “My engine was ‘cooked,’” Truex said, “so I was ‘out.’”

    10. Bubba Wallace: Wallace came home fourth in the Cook Out 400, recording his fifth top 5 of the season.

    “Ross Chastain’s No. 1 car featured the image of a man in his underwear driving the car,” Wallace said. “It was the brainchild of Jockey, and obviously they overlooked the fact that they walked right into a cascade of ‘skid mark’ jokes.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson, sidetracked early in the race by a loose wheel, mounted a late charge at Indianapolis to win the Brickyard 400, his fourth win of the year.

    “I heard the Formula 1 driver Max Verstappen stayed up until 3 a.m. sim racing on race day before the Hungarian Grand Prix,” Larson said. “I think I can safely say that’s the second dumbest thing a driver has done while sim racing.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran a query Brickyard 400 on his way to a third-place finish.

    “I got turned sideways by contact on a Lap 110 restart,” Blaney said. “But I was able to save it and continue. That put me in a truly unique situation because I was able to look sideways at the driver that nearly wrecked me without having to move my eyes.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Indianapolis and finished 32nd after being caught up in an accident on the first overtime restart.

    “Fuel mileage always plays a huge part at Indianapolis,” Hamlin said. “So, you don’t necessarily have to save the best for last, but you do have to save something for last.”

    4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick started on the pole at Indianapolis and finished second in the Brickyard 400.

    “Every driver dreams of kissing the bricks at Indianapolis,” Reddick said. “Heck, for all I know, some drivers may dream of kissing bricks in general. I commend them for their fine taste in masonry.”

    5. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fourth in the Brickyard 400, posting his seventh top-five of the season.

    “I don’t think the Kyle Busch-Corey LaJoie feud carried over to Indianapolis,” Bell said. “One thing’s for sure–those two aren’t fighting for wins. If anything, they’re fighting for relevance.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott overcame an early penalty to salvage a 10th-place finish.

    “I certainly didn’t agree with NASCAR’s reasoning for the penalty,” Elliott said. “You could tell by the number of ‘F’ words I used when reacting to it over the team radio. I thought it was a pretty good English lesson for all the kids watching because I used the ‘F’ word as a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, and as the name I use to refer to NASCAR officials.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman’s race ended on Lap 162 during an overtime start when he was collected in a big pileup behind the leaders. He finished 31st, six laps down.

    “Jimmie Johnson was racing at Indy in the No. 84 car,” Bowman said. “I feel honored to drive the No. 48 Hendrick car that Jimmie made famous. He’s not making that No. 84 car famous, but he is making it winless.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was leading and in fuel-saving mode when Kyle Busch spun to bring out a caution, a caution that possibly cost Keselowski the win. On the subsequent restart, Keselowski ran out of gas and settled for 21st.

    “It’s certainly not the first time Kyle Busch has ruined my day,” Keselowski said. “How many days of mine has Kyle ruined? It would be the number of days I’ve known Kyle Busch.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex made contact with Kyle Larson on Lap 106, and Truex slid up the track and hard into the wall. Truex was running fifth at the time of the accident and dropped all the way down to 32nd after a lengthy pit stop. He eventually finished 27th.

    “I don’t know who to blame,” Truex said. “But Ross Chastain was nearby, so I guess I’ll blame him. And who on earth would dispute a claim that Chastain caused an accident?”

    10. William Byron: Byron was collected in a Lap 75 incident when Ryan Preece made contact with Byron’s No. 24 Chevrolet, sending Byron hard into the inside wall. Byron was done for the day and finished 38th.

    “I don’t really know what happened,” Byron said. “All I know is that I was an innocent participant. And it’s a good thing ‘Liberty University’ wasn’t on my car, because that would have opened the door to a lot of ‘Jerry Falwell, Jr. claimed he was an innocent participant’ jokes.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took the lead in the pits on Lap 116 and held on until the end to win the Great American Getaway 400 at Pocono, his second win of the season.

    “I think this gives us great momentum heading into Indianapolis,” Blaney said. “A lot of drivers have stated how much ‘kissing the bricks’ means to them. Jeff Gordon once compared it to locking lips with his ex-wife Brooke.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 at Pocono, but came up short to Ryan Blaney in the final start and settled for the runner-up spot.

    “I had a few on-track battles with my old nemesis Alex Bowman,” Hamlin said. “Alex thinks he’s on my level. He’s not. People don’t hate him; they just really dislike him.”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished sixth at Pocono, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “My No. 45 Toyota featured the Money Lion paint scheme,” Reddick said. “When that’s on my car, Michael Jordan gets really excited, but only because he thinks it says ‘money line.’”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell ran in the top 10 for the majority of the day at Pocono and finished 12th.

    “The No. 20 Rheem Toyota wasn’t the fastest car on the track,” Bell said, “but we still managed a top 12. That’s mostly thanks to my pit crew. It’s like they say: ‘Rheem work makes the dream work.’”

    5. Kyle Larson: A late pit road speeding penalty cost Larson a lot of track position, and he finished 13th at Pocono.

    “All it takes is one mistake to ruin your day,” Larson said. “And I made that mistake. Basically, I put the ‘O no’ in ‘Pocono.’”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished ninth in the Great American Getaway 400.

    “The broadcast of the race went head to head with that of the Spain vs England European Championship,” Elliott said. “I doubt there is much crossover in those two audiences. If you told the patrons down at the Dawsonville Pool Room that the European Championship was on TV, many would ask ‘Is it streaming?’”

    7. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Pocono, scoring his first top 5 since Iowa on June 16th.

    “I haven’t won since Martinsville in early April,” Byron said. “I was in top form then, and I know I still have it in me. It’s like eating a Martinsville hot dog; it’s still going to be in you three months later.”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman backed up his win at Chicago with a solid third-place result at Pocono.

    “The words on my car say ‘Best Friends,’” Bowman said. “Best Friends has everything to do with the animal welfare organization, and nothing to do with my relationship with Bubba Wallace.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Pocono and finished eighth in the Great American Getaway 400.

    “I’m still looking for my first win of the season,” Truex said. “It would be awfully climactic if my first win of the season came at Phoenix in November to win the championship. It would be awfully anti-climactic if my first win came at Phoenix as someone else won the championship.”

    10. Ross Chastain: Chastain suffered a steering issue on Lap 53, which sent him sliding into the turn 3 wall. The accident ended his day and Chastain finished 36th.

    “When you’re fighting for a playoff spot,” Chastain said, “a terrible result like this can make you sick to your stomach, much like drinking Busch Light Peach.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicago Street Race

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicago Street Race

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Christopher Bell: Bell led 14 laps but suffered an accident three laps from the end and finished 37th in the Grant Park 165.

    “I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn,” Bell said, “when I say that Chase Briscoe helped Alex Bowman to the win by taking out Shane van Gisbergen on Lap 26. I guess you could say Chase ran out of talent. One thing Chase will never run out of is forehead.”

    2. Tyler Reddick: Reddick, always strong on road courses, finished second in the Grant Park 165.

    “I’ve won road course races before,” Reddick said, “so I was confident I could win at Chicago. I’m not a betting man, but I know someone who is, so he put his money where my mouth was.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 10th in a wet and wild Grant Park 165 on Chicago’s street course.

    “The Chicago Street Race is certainly unique,” Blaney said. “It’s an endurance race and doesn’t even know it.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 30th in the Grant Park 165.

    “I made contact with Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s No. 47 car on Lap 30,” Hamlin said. “It was totally my fault. I locked up the brakes and ran right into Ricky. I hate it for Ricky. But I say chin up, Ricky. Things could be worse. You could still be dating Danica Patrick.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson was running third on Lap 34 when he locked up his breaks into Turn 6 and went hard into the tire barrier. His car was too damaged to continue and he finished 39th.

    “In a race defined by choosing between slick tires and wet weather tires,” Larson said, “my wet weather tires were too slick. Ironically, it was tires that stopped me. Just not the ones on my car.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home 21st in the Grant Park 165.

    “The No. 9 car lost Hooter’s sponsorship,” Elliott said. “They’ve been with us for so long, it really hurts to have to break that news. But I’m just glad I got it off my chest.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman snapped an 80-race winless drought with a win in the Grant Park 165, clinching a spot in the Playoffs.

    “As I said after the race,” Bowman said, “I’m gonna drink so much bourbon to celebrate. And I really mean so much. So much that I’ll pass out and maybe wake up 80 races later, just in time for my next win.”

    8. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs started second and finished third in the Chicago Street Race.

    “It was a crazy race,” Gibbs said. “You know it’s a crazy race when a guy named ‘Joey Hand’ wins a stage. No one fears Joey Hand. Now, if it was ‘Joey Hands,’ and he was Italian, and in the mafia, then I would fear him.”

    9. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd in the Chicago Street Race, his run for a top-10 finish derailed by a late slide into the tire barrier.

    “I think NASCAR should definitely keep the Chicago Street Racing on the schedule,” Chastain said. “I think 99.9% of fans like it because the racing is exciting. And the other 0.01% just have a weird fetish in which they are excited by hearing ‘Lake Shore Drive’ mentioned 200 times in the span of two hours.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was snagged in a late accident on the Chicago street course and finished 33rd in the Grant Park 165.

    “Shane van Gisbergen was the favorite going into the race,” Truex said. “But he got taken out by the ineptitude of Chase Briscoe. I’m guessing Briscoe is no longer welcome in the country of New Zealand. That shouldn’t be a problem, because I doubt Chase even knows where New Zealand is, much less that it’s a country.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville 2024

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville 2024

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth in the Ally 400.

    “The winner of the Nashville race wins a Gibson Les Paul guitar,” Blaney said. “That means Joey Logano won the guitar. And Joey holding a guitar looks about as natural as Denny Hamlin holding a Cup championship trophy.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole and had a sure win in hand with a lap to go when Austin Cindric spun after contact with Noah Gragson. After three unsuccessful overtime restarts, Hamlin had no choice but to pit for fuel. Hamlin dropped to 20th and after two more overtime restarts finished 12th.

    “At some point,” Hamlin said, “you just gotta say ‘Enough is enough.’ That’s what my fuel tank said.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson came home eighth in the Ally 400 at Nashville Superspeedway.

    “With five overtime restarts and fuel gauges hitting ’empty’ right and left,” Larson said, “there was bound to be a fluky winner. And Joey Logano winning was a fluke. I know that’s crazy to say about a two-time Cup champion, because that’s big time, but Joey’s sucked big time this year.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell swept Stages 1 and 2 at Nashville, but got loose and slammed the outside wall on lap 228. Bell was done for the race and finished 36th, his sixth result of 30th or worse this season.

    “When I tell my team that I’m ‘loose,’” Bell said, “I now have to clarify whether it’s my car or my mouth.”

    5. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished second at Nashville, not quite able to get by Joey Logano in a race defined by five overtime restarts.

    “You probably heard about the Bubba Wallace-Aric Almirola incident,” Reddick said. “It happened over a month ago, so I’m not sure why the story didn’t come out sooner. Usually, fights in NASCAR are a big deal. But I guess they’re only a big deal when they involve somewhat relevant drivers.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 18th at Nashville after a flurry of overtime restarts extended the race from 300 laps to 331.

    “I think NASCAR should revamp its restart procedures in cases in which several cars may run out of fuel,” Elliott said. “I know they won’t because they’re stupid, so I’ve got a radical solution that will help with the issue: fuel gauges displayed in the rear windows of cars.”

    7. Ross Chastain: Chastain was solid all day at Nashville but was spun on a chaotic restart in the first overtime restart, sending Chastain’s No. 1 Chevy into the wall, ending his night. He finished 33rd.

    “Busch Light is the sponsor on my car,” Chastain said. “And you probably saw commercials for Busch Light Peach. Commercials are made to encourage consumers to try a product. Considering the flavor of Busch Light Peach, it feels more like a dare.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 24th in the Ally 400 after contact with Daniel Suarez on the final lap. Truex ran in the top 10 for most of the race but was victimized by the sheer volume of restarts and fuel issues.

    “My career as a full-time driver is winding down,” Truex said. “But it’s races like this that make me want to say ‘I quit’ right now.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski made contact with Austin Dillon and spun, sending his rear end into the Turn 2 wall. Keselowski returned to the track after repairs and finished 25th, one lap down.

    “Temperatures in Nashville were in the mid-90s during the race,” Keselowski said. “Inside the cars, temperatures approached the 120’s range. Just look at my profile pic—it’s the closest I’ll come to being described as ‘smoking hot.’”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano won the Ally 400, with just enough fuel to cross the line in first after five overtime restarts thinned out the field. It was Logano’s first win of the year.

    “First of all,” Logano said, “I’d like to thank my crew chief Paul Wolfe for convincing me I had enough fuel. Secondly, I’d like to thank the twenty or so cars that either wrecked or ran out of fuel ahead of me.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 at New Hampshire and took charge after a long rain delay to win the USA Today 301.

    “You probably heard that I let it slip that Chase Briscoe is taking over Martin Truex’s No. 19 car next year,” Bell said. “I guess that’s how I got the nickname ‘The Human Press Release.’”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at New Hampshire.

    “When I heard the race was called the ‘USA Today 301,’” Larson said, “I said, understandably, ‘That’s news to me.’”

    Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Loudon and finished 18th.

    “I got sent for a spin when Joey Logano locked up his brakes and slid into me on a restart,” Elliott said. “I’m sure Joey didn’t do it on purpose. It was just a careless error on his part. As such, I could ‘care less’ about his apology.”

    4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished sixth in the USA Today 301 in a race that was interrupted for several hours due to rain.

    “We were in first when the rain started,” Reddick said, “so we would have won had it continued to rain. We were expecting rain and adjusted our strategy accordingly. The weather can change in an instant, and you have to adapt with the same level of speed. It’s called ‘precipitating a change.’”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 and finished 24th in the USA Today 301.

    “I thought I would be more competitive after the rain delay,” Hamlin said “Oddly enough, as the moisture dissipated, my chances ‘dried up’ as well.”

    6. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 10th at New Hampshire.

    “Congratulations to Christopher Bell,” Chastain said. “He got a huge lobster for winning the race. And all this time I thought a ‘crustacean’ was what they called people that spent a week in the Loudon campground without a shower.”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran up front before a series of miscues late in the race knocked him out of contention for the win. He battled back to finish ninth.

    “We had an issue with a tire on a pit stop on lap 188,” Truex said. “The right rear tire wasn’t completely secure, so the jackman had to come back around. In the end, the right rear tire, much like my chance to win, was screwed.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was set for a top-10 finish before he was collected in a late restart when Michael McDowell lost traction and came up the track. Blaney ultimately finished 25th.

    “The threat of rain hovered over the race all day,” Blaney said. “And it finally came. So our cars were equipped with windshield wipers. I’m waiting for the day when every car’s wipers are plastered with sponsorship from Dude Wipes. I really wonder why that hasn’t already happened.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 28th in the USA Today 301.

    “I guess I’ll get blamed for spinning Martin Truex Jr.,” Keselowski said. “Did I move up the track a little? Maybe. If I can’t give Martin a retirement gift, I can surely give him some retirement drift.”

    10. William Byron: Byron finished 26th in the USA Today 301.”I haven’t won since Martinsville in early April,” Byron said. “That means I can’t win for losing.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Iowa

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Iowa

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Iowa.

    “I think I can speak for Chase Elliott fans,” Elliott said, “and NASCAR fans in general, when I saw that as far as corn products go, they’d rather drink them than eat them.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole and led 80 laps while winning Stage 2. But contact with Daniel Suarez on Lap 220 spun Larson into the path of Denny Hamlin. Larson’s No. 5 Chevy suffered significant damage. He eventually finished 34th.

    “It’s not wise to go three wide,” Larson said. “I did, and it cost me. Suarez really did a number on me. His number is ’99,’ but that number is ’86.’ In the state of Iowa, that’s called getting ‘cornholed.’”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1, took charge late and held off William Byron to win the Iowa Corn 350, Blaney’s first win of the season.

    “It feels great to win,” Blaney said. “With this being the Iowa Corn 350 and me being a humble fellow, all I can say is ‘Aww shucks.’”

    4. William Byron: Byron finished second in the Iowa Corn 350, posting his sixth top 5 of the season.

    “Even with newer tires,” Byron said, “I still couldn’t catch Blaney. I guess his No. 12 Ford, much like his sister Erin, was out of my league.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin struggled early, but made his way into the top 10 before an accident with Daniel Suarez and Kyle Larson caused damage to the No. 11 Toyota. Hamlin finished 24th.

    “We were just very inconsistent,” Hamlin said. “My car, much like Suarez’s driving, was all over the place.”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fourth in the Iowa Corn 350, posting his fifth top 5 of the year.

    “I thought Ryan Blaney really held up well at the end,” Bell said. “He fought off all challengers and maintained the lead under lots of pressure from William Byron and other drivers. Of course, it’s the Iowa Corn 350; you should expect to be ‘stalked.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th in the Iowa Corn 350.

    “The street address of Iowa Speedway is 3333 Rusty Wallace Drive,” Keselowski said. “That’s because Rusty designed the race track. The track is D-shaped, and that was done in honor of Rusty’s longtime teammate Ryan Newman, who was D-headed.”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 11th in the Iowa Corn 350.

    “Grimace was on Bubba Wallace’s No. 23 Toyota,” Chastain said. “Grimace was also at the track. He was the purple blob. More specifically, he was the Jimmy Spencer-shaped purple blob.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 15th at Iowa.

    “I announced that the 2024 season will be my last as a full-time driver,” Truex said. “If I could cap off the season with the Cup championship, it would be awesome. That way, I could say I won going away.”

    10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 22nd at Iowa.

    “This was the first NASCAR Cup Series race at Iowa Speedway,” Reddick said. “The site of the track used to be a cornfield, which makes it just like every other structure in the state.”