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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski fought off the effects of a stomach bug to win the race at Atlanta.

“The race was called the ‘Folds Of Honor Quik Trip 500,” Keselowski said. “Trust me, with this stomach issue, I made a lot a ‘Quik Trips.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Atlanta after starting at the back of the field.

“Give Brad Keselowski credit for toughing out the win despite his tummy troubles,” Busch said. “It must be contagious, because now I want the chance to prove that I can win with an illness. In other words, Brad Keselowski makes me sick.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 45 laps in Atlanta and finished fourth.

“The surface at Atlanta Motor Speedway is quite abrasive,” Harvick said. “It really does a number on your tires. A fan suggested I discuss these particular issues on a web site devoted to extreme tire wear issues called ‘Grindr.’ Well, it turns out this site is not devoted to tires at all.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex caught race-leader Brad Keselowski with two laps to go at Atlanta but couldn’t make the pass as Keselowski took the checkered flag.

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr. really held me up,” Truex said. “And I’m beyond frustrated. He was a lap down. Of course, it’s not the first time Ricky has held someone back. Danica Patrick dumped him and upgraded to Aaron Rodgers!”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Atlanta one week after winning the Daytona 500.

“Despite finishing outside the top 10,” Hamlin said, “I’m still atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings. So basically, ‘My Win At Daytona Has Kept Relevant,’ which may very well be the title of Trevor Bayne’s autobiography.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 142 laps, but a late pit lane speeding penalty spoiled his chances for the win. He finished 12th and is fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“I got caught going too fast entering pit lane,” Larson said. “So, I was ‘too fast entering.’ I hear Brad Keselowski’s trouble was ‘too fast exiting.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano struggled to a 23rd at Atlanta as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski captured the win, his 60th for Penske.

“I’m really proud of Brad,” Logano said. “That was a gutsy effort. I bet Brad was exhausted afterwards. In fact, I’m sure his first words were, ‘I’m pooped.’”

8. Erik Jones: Jones took seventh at Atlanta and has two top-10 finishes to start the season. He is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“As a teammate to Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin, and now Martin Truex Jr.,” Jones said, “I’m low man on the totem pole here at Joe Gibbs Racing. But Joe Gibbs does a great job pretending I’m an equal. So Joe wins the Oscar for ‘best supporting actor.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished third in the Folds Of Honor Quik Trip 500 at Atlanta.

“I think everyone is happy with NASCAR’s new rules package,” Busch said. “And if you’d like to quote me saying ‘Impressive package,’ please do so in context.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola started on the pole and finished eighth at Atlanta.

“I got busted for speeding on pit road,” Almirola said. “I had to question NASCAR officials’ judgment on this, so I did. And they answered, ‘Those are the breaks.’ Or they may have answered, ‘Those are the brakes.’ I guess both are good answers.”

February 25, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin held off Kyle Busch and Joey Logano to win the Daytona 500, his second career 500 win.

“I went winless in 2018,” Hamlin said, “so naturally, I started to question myself. I also had other questions at Daytona, like ‘When is this race going to start?’ and ‘When is this race going to end?’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Daytona, coming up short again in his bid to win NASCAR’s biggest race.

“I didn’t get any help from Hamlin at all,” Busch said. “And I feel like I helped him plenty. As the laps were winding down, I’m pretty sure I said, and I quote, ‘I need help.’ And as everybody knows, when a Busch brother says ‘I need help,’ he really means it.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano made a last lap run for the win at Daytona, but couldn’t catch Denny Hamlin, who took the win, while Logano finished fourth.

“I couldn’t quite get the push I needed,” Logano said. “But I’ve always seemed to get the push I didn’t need, when I get bullied by other, more physically imposing drivers. And that would be every other driver.”

4. Erik Jones: Jones finished third in the Daytona 500, helping Joe Gibbs Racing to a 1-2-3 sweep.

“And all three cars passed inspection,” Jones said. “That makes it a ‘cleansweep.’ As you know, winning cars that fail post-race inspection will be stripped of the win. Finally, it seems NASCAR has adopted the ‘Cheaters never win’ mentality.”

5. Michael McDowell: McDowell posted a strong fifth-place finish in the No. 34 Ford Mustang for Front Row Motorsports.

“Joey Logano wondered why I didn’t help him during the final laps,” McDowell said. “Just because I drive a Ford doesn’t mean I’m obligated to offer assistance. What? Is Joey’s last name ‘Logan-owe?’ I don’t think so. If you ask me, his last name is ‘Logan-no.’”

6. Ty Dillon: Dillon rolled to a sixth at Daytona and recorded the best Chevrolet result of the day.

“Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman waved the green flag to start the race,” Dillon said. “I guess now he knows what happens to start a NASCAR race. But does he know what happens after a race? He should, because earlier this year, he ‘failed inspection.’”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished seventh in the Daytona 500.

“To succeed at Daytona,” Larson said, “you have to have some luck. And we were lucky. Others were not. Chase Elliott may have had the worst luck of any driver. He was caught up in two wrecks, and had a delayed pit stop when one of his crew members got hooked by a stray hose on pit lane. Not to be confused with getting ‘hooked by a stray ho.’ That happens in Daytona’s infield.”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson survived an eventful Daytona 500 and finished ninth.

“My car may say ‘Ally’ on the hood,” Johnson said, “but I’ve made quite a few enemies in the last two weeks at Daytona. Like Kyle Busch, for example. I wrecked him in Duel 1 last Thursday, and Kyle was none too happy. We talked, and I think we’re cool now. So, Kyle got over ‘it,’ but he just can’t get over the ‘hump,’ because he still hasn’t won the Daytona 500.”

9. Ryan Preece: Preece finished eighth in the Daytona for JTG Daugherty Racing.

“Like Joey Logano,” Preece said, “I’m from Connecticut. Unlike Joey Logano, I don’t have a dumb nickname like ‘Sliced Bread.’ I’ve got a cool nickname. Just call me ‘Preece’d Lightning.’”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman started second alongside pole sitter and Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron on his way to an 11th at Daytona.

“Corey LaJoie had his face on the hood of his No. 32 car,” Bowman said. “After he suffered damage in an early crash, he had to pit to have his crew raise the hood and check things out. So, in more ways than one, LaJoie needs a ‘facelift.’”

February 19, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano won the Ford EcoBoost 400 to claim his first Monster Energy Cup championship.

“I won the battle,” Logano said, “and I won the war. But I’d still probably lose a fight to Martin Truex, Jr.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third at Homestead as Joey Logano took the win and the Cup championship.

“I wanted to win so badly after having a win taken from me,” Harvick said. “But Logano ruined my dreams. He runs 6 feet, 1 inch tall; that makes the ‘spoiler’ height 73 inches.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came up just short in his bid to repeat as Cup champion, finishing second to Joey Logano.

“I claimed to have a free pass to rough up Joey Logano,” Truex said. “But I never was in position to do so. That made Logano the ‘Lucky Dog.’”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Homestead and finished fourth.

“It was a frustrating day,” Busch said. “I felt like I wasn’t even part of the championship battle. The handling of the No. 18 Toyota was miserable. The only fight I was involved in was with my steering wheel.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

“I’m still young,” Elliott said, “so I see a lot of titles in my future. Like ‘husband,’ ‘father,’ ‘grandfather,’ and Monster Energy Cup champion. Hopefully not in that order.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th at Homestead, posting his 22nd top 10 of the year.

“Congratulations to Joey Logano,” Busch said. “With his championship, ‘Sliced Bread’ has put himself in the upper crust of NASCAR drivers. I’m sure he celebrated by doing ‘dough’ nuts.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Homestead as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano won and captured the Monster Energy Cup championship.

“Joey fulfilled a lifelong dream,” Keselowski said. “He’s been building toward this moment since he was a child. Heck, he’s only 28. He’s not that far removed from being a child. Martin Truex Jr. would say he’s ‘child-ish.’”

8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished ninth at Homestead, recording his 17th top-10 finish of the year.

“Did you see?” Almirola said. “Jimmie Johnson shaved off his beard. He looks like a new man, but he’s still an old man.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson hit the wall late chasing Joey Logano but managed to salvage a 13th-place finish at Homestead.

“Logano was in the ‘zone,’” Larson said. “Even knowing Martin Truex Jr. had it out for him, Joey was able to keep his cool and win. Joey knew Truex would ‘come after him,’ and he was right because Truex finished second.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole and finished 12th, his first season without a win since 2005.

“There’s ‘Victory Lane,’” Hamlin said, “and then there’s ‘Victory Lame.’”

November 19, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started sixth at Phoenix and took the checkered flag in the Can-Am 500 to advance to Homestead with a chance to win his second Cup championship.

“Kevin Harvick got in when Denny Hamlin knocked out Kurt Busch and Chase Elliott,” Busch said. “Either Kurt or Chase could have played the spoiler, and the last thing Harvick needed is another troublesome spoiler.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Phoenix and finished fifth after an early flat tire scare.

“Our goal was to start on the pole,” Harvick said, “build a big lead, and pray we didn’t ‘get caught.’ I guess two out of three ain’t bad.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 14th at Phoenix and advanced to Homestead on points.

“I’ll have to go through three other drivers to remain Monster Energy Cup champion,” Truex said. “And if need be, I’ll literally ‘go through’ Joey Logano to get there.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano blew a left rear tire early, leading to a spin. He finished 37th.

“It’s me,” Logano said, “and Kevin Harvick, Kyle Busch, and Martin Truex Jr. at Homestead. I’m in trouble because now all three of those guys have vowed not to let me win.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch was running second late in the race before he was taken out by an overly aggressive move by Denny Hamlin. Busch finished 32nd.

“I’m not sure what Denny was thinking,” Busch said. “But I’m pretty sure who Kevin Harvick was thanking.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott started second at Phoenix but was collected in a crash when Denny Hamlin spun Kurt Busch late in the race. Elliott finished 23rd, three laps down.

“It sucks that I don’t have a chance to become the Monster Energy Cup champions,” Elliott said. “But I’m looking forward to just being a spectator at Homestead. And Lord knows NASCAR needs as many of those as possible.”

7. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fourth at Phoenix.

“I needed a win to get to Homestead with a chance to be NASCAR champion,” Almirola said. “I didn’t get the job done. I came up a little bit ‘short;’ ironically, my championship hopes said ‘so long.’”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second at Phoenix.

“I’m pulling for my Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano to win the championship,” Keselowski said. “Mostly because Roger Penske told me I had to. It’s the closest you’ll get to ‘team orders’ in NASCAR.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished third in the Can-Am 500, posting his 12th top five of the year.

“It’s the ‘Big 3’ and ‘Sliced Bread’ in the finale,” Larson said. “Here’s a little-known fact: a young Tony Stewart was also known as ‘Sliced Bread.’ Then he got heavy and his nickname changed to ‘Doughy.’”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at Phoenix.

“If not for me and my reckless driving,” Hamlin said, “Kevin Harvick wouldn’t be among the Final 4 at Homestead. I drive a Toyota Camry; Harvick now says I drive a Dodge ‘Bullet.’”

November 12, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started third in the AAA Texas 500 and passed Ryan Blaney on an overtime restart to take the win and qualify for the finale at Homestead.

“I’m in along with Joey Logano,” Harvick said. “We may be two of the most disliked drivers on the circuit. But you can’t doubt our talent. We’re so talented, we can make fans pull for Kyle Busch.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Texas.

“I realize I have a target on my back,” Logano said, “and I’m in the crosshairs of Martin Truex Jr. And he’s gunning for me. None of that is surprising. What is surprising? The fact that the NRA is not sponsoring this race.”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 17th at Texas.

“Barring a total disaster at Phoenix,” Busch said. “I’m in a good position to advance to Homestead on points. So, in honor of Carl Edwards’ induction into the Texas Motor Sports Hall Of Fame, as long as I don’t ‘choke,’ I’ll make it to Homestead.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex qualified 13th at Texas but had to start at the back of the field after making an engine change. With the pressure on, Truex charged and scored a ninth-place finish.

“If I can finish ninth after an engine change,” Truex said, “just think what I can do with a car that’s gone through a regular setup. I’ll be unstoppable. So, at Phoenix, to all the other drivers, I say, ‘Look out!’ At Homestead, to just Joey Logano, I say, Look out!’”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished sixth at Texas and will almost certainly need a win at Phoenix to advance to Homestead.

“We’ll give it our all at Phoenix,” Elliott said. “We’re gonna let it all hang out, and unfortunately, so will all the wrong people in the Phoenix infield.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch took seventh in the AAA Texas 500.

“I’m headed to Phoenix with intentions of winning,” Bowyer said. “It’s do or die. Or do or ‘doo-doo.’”

7. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth in the AAA Texas 500 and afterward voiced his displeasure with Joey Logano, who Almirola claimed nearly wrecked him on a late restart.

“Many people don’t think Logano did anything wrong,” Almirola said. “That includes my former car owner, who says I’m being ‘Petty.’”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 12th at Texas.

“The race in Texas wasn’t nearly as exciting as Martinsville’s,” Keselowski said. “Yet, television viewers continue to tune out. Like Martin Truex Jr., viewers are saying ‘two thumbs down.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole and took the runner-up spot to Kevin Harvick at Texas.

“Carl Edwards was inducted into the Texas Motorsports Hall Of Fame,” Blaney said. “I heard when Carl found out he was going to be honored, he flipped.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer qualified second at Texas but struggled from the get-go after early contact with Denny Hamlin. He finished 26th.

“And it got worse from there,” Bowyer said. “I even got a pit road penalty when I pitted for gas because one of my crew members was sitting on the wall with his feet in the pit stall. He has since been ‘unseated.’”

November 5, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano used a controversial bump-and-run maneuver on Martin Truex, Jr. on the final lap to win the First Data 500 at Martinsville.

“I know this makes me an unpopular driver,” Logano said. “Correction: I know this makes me a more unpopular driver.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Martinsville and led 100 laps on his way to a fourth-place finish.

“Despite his methods,” Busch said, “Joey Logano has one of the four spots at Homestead. So I wouldn’t mind being Logano. Now, I wouldn’t want to be his rear bumper, because it’s gonna take a massive hit from Martin Truex Jr. In other words, the ‘ram-ifications’ of what happened at Martinsville will be huge.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Martinsville.

“I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing Logano did,” Harvick said. “Now, if I were Truex, I would have done something differently. It wouldn’t have been ‘two thumbs down;” it would have been ‘two middle fingers up.’”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was poised for the win at Martinsville after passing Joey Logano with a lap remaining. That was until Logano bumped him out of the way on the final lap, spinning Truex, who finished third.

“Payback is a larger-sized version of Logano,” Truex said, “because he’s a ‘little bitch.’”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Martinsville.

“Everybody wants to win that grandfather clock trophy,” Elliott said. “Joey Logano got it this time. But it will be Martin Truex Jr. who will soon tell him ‘what time it is.’”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the First Data 500.

“After that boring debacle at Kansas,” Busch said, “this is exactly what NASCAR needed to pique interest. Joey Logano clearly wrecked Martin Truex Jr. It’s too bad that lush Brian France wasn’t here to see some reckless driving that is actually good for the sport.”

7. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at Martinsville.

“They call Martinsville Speedway the ‘paper clip,’” Almirola said. “It’s a ‘staple’ of the NASCAR circuit. And Martin Truex Jr. says Joey Logano could be a ‘paper’ champion.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Martinsville as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano captured the win.

“That was a bold move by Joey,” Keselowski said. “I hear Martin Truex Jr. has named Matt Kenseth his ‘Special Joey Logano Revenge Consultant.’ Joey has a history with Kenseth and so do I. Matt attacked me between the haulers at Charlotte in 2014. Joey got the ‘jump’ on Truex at Martinsville; Truex is likely to get the ‘jump’ at Texas.”

9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 21st, one lap down, at Martinsville and will likely need a win in the next two races to advance to Homestead.

“I can’t worry about what transpired at Martinsville,” Bowyer said. “I’m going to Texas with full intentions of winning the race. So, I’m keeping an eye on the prize, and another on Logano and Truex.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin posted the runner-up finish at Martinsville, getting a front-row look at the Joey Logano-Martin Truex Jr. battle for the lead.

“In regards to Logano,” Hamlin said, “Truex told me, ‘He’ll pay.’ Those were the words that came through Martin’s ‘nice guy filter.’ What he really said was, ‘There’ll be hell to pay.’”

October 29, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 2nd at Kansas and cruised into Round 3 of the NASCAR playoffs.

“I basically just had to avoid disaster at Kansas,” Busch said. “And that means I just had to keep my mouth shut.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 12th at Kansas and advanced to Round 3 of the playoffs.

“There was very little excitement in Sunday’s race,” Harvick said. “Heck, I was driving, and I was bored. For the fans, it must have been like watching paint dry. For drivers, it was like watching paint schemes dry.”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott held off the charging Kyle Busch to win the Hollywood Casino 400 at Kansas.

“I was still riding high off my win at Dover,” Elliott said. “But winning again is awesome. I’m still riding high, and looking for more. If you didn’t think a NASCAR driver could get any higher, you don’t know Chase Elliott or Jeremy Mayfield.”

4. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 10th at Kansas, posting the best finish among Stewart-Haas Racing drivers.

“My spot in Round 3 was already clinched,” Almirola said, “so I was looking ahead to Martinsville. In an elimination race, it’s cool to be able to look through your windshield, and not through your rear-view mirror.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished a safe 18th in the Hollywood Casino 400. He is one of four Stewart-Haas Racing driver in the Round Of 8.

“The wind was a factor in Sunday’s race,” Busch said. “That’s why you heard a lot of drivers, especially those in danger of not advancing, saying, ‘Don’t blow this.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Kansas and finished eighth, and will be one of eight drivers advancing to Round 3.

“No one came out of nowhere to advance to the next round,” Logano said. “So there were no Cinderella stories. And no fairy tales. The only person telling ‘tales’ in NASCAR is Brian France pleading innocent.”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started 12th and finished 5th at Kansas, easily advancing to Round 3 of the playoffs.

“I didn’t want to take anything for granted,” Truex said. “You never know when the unexpected could happen, leaving you out of the playoffs, or a job.”

8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 13th and is on to Round 3 of the playoffs.

“We had a stray tire get away that nearly cost us a penalty,” Bowyer said. “That could have been disastrous had it prevented me from advancing. Luckily, NASCAR deemed it not a penalty. I guess NASCAR had a reason, but they actually decided to show some reason.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Kansas but it wasn’t enough and he failed to advance to the next round of the playoffs.

“I was close,” Keselowski said, “but close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and that time Matt Kenseth won the championship.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Kansas and missed advancing by one spot.

“I battled for the lead early in the race,” Blaney said, “so things were good. If someone would have asked me how things were going, I would have said, ‘They were going, going, gone.’”

October 22, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 26th at Talladega and is now third in the playoff points standings.

“Stewart-Haas Racing totally dominated the race,” Harvick said. “It was like they were leading the world’s fastest funeral procession, because they ‘buried’ the field.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick faded to 28th after being forced to pit for fuel with three laps remaining at Talladega.

“That cost people a free Bloomin’ Onion at Outback Steakhouse,” Harvick said. “But no apology from me is in ‘order,’ because a chance at the win at Talladega is way more ‘appetizing.’”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 31st in the 1000Bulbs.com 500 at Talladega.

“Since I won at Dover,” Elliott said, “I was the only driver able to remain calm at Talladega. So, while I was thinking ‘relax,’ many others were thing ‘Exlax.’”

4. Aric Almirola: Almirola passed Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kurt Busch, who ran out of gas, and took a huge win at Talladega. Almirola advances to the third round of the NASCAR playoffs.

“I’m the least well-known driver in the Stewart-Haas stable,” Almirola said. “So, while I was riding on their bumpers for most of the race, I’ve been riding on their coattails for much longer.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch won the pole at Talladega and led 108 laps, but his victory hopes were dashed when he ran out of fuel on the final lap, handing Stewart-Haas teammate Aric Almirola the win.

“The race went to overtime,” Busch said, “otherwise I have enough fuel to hang on for the win. As it was, Aric Almirola was the one making the ‘splash.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the 1000Bulbs.com 500 at Talladega.

“That’s right,” Logano said, “the ‘1000Bulbs.com’ was the name of the race. Be careful typing that website address. That ‘u’ and ‘l’ are a doozy.”

7. Martin Truex, Jr.: A mechanical issue plagued Truex throughout the day at Talladega, resulting in a 23rd-place finish. It left Truex in the final transfer spot as an elimination race looms at Kansas.

“That means I’ll be racing for the win,” Truex said. “And that means I’ll go out of my way to get the win. And that means that if Jimmie Johnson is in my way, I’ll move him out of the way.”

8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer started second at Talladega and finished second as Stewart-Haas Racing swept the top 2, as well as sweeping the top 4 in qualifying.

“Ten drivers are vying for 6 spots at Kansas,” Bowyer said. “That means 4 drivers will go home disappointed, as well as all fans in attendance at Kansas Speedway’s boring track.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 27th at Talladega.

“I’ll need a solid finish at Kansas to advance to Round 3,” Keselowski said. “I certainly don’t want to leave Kansas and have to tell my dog, ‘We’re not in the playoffs anymore.’”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 29th and now heads to Kansas needing a strong finish to advance to Round 3 of the playoffs.

“I plan to let it all hang out at Kansas,” Blaney said. “‘That’s a phrase you don’t mind hearing a NASCAR driver say, but you definitely don’t want to hear a NASCAR fan say it.”

October 15, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Dover and led 21 laps on his way to an eighth-place finish.

“I’m just glad to survive with a decent finish,” Busch said. “The ‘Monster Mile’ claimed a few victims on Sunday. Talladega’s 2.66 mile track could be even more monstrous. Then we get Kansas Speedway’s 1.5 mile track. It doesn’t scare anyone, except prospective ticket buyers.”

2. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished 15th at Dover.

“Jimmie Johnson bought my team’s kids bicycles as an apology for wrecking me at Charlotte,” Truex said. “Just like what he did in Charlotte, this was a ‘sorry’ move as swell.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 286 laps before a lug nut broke a valve stem, forcing an extra pit stop. Harvick fell a lap down but worked his way back to finish sixth.

“I was dominating,” Harvick said, “but that’s one way to ‘stem’ the tide. My luck with tires has been very unfortunate lately. But I’ll refrain from bashing Goodyear, because I ultimately had a good week.”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott won at Dover and clinched his spot into Round 3.

“My ticket has been punched,” Elliott said. “I don’t know if that translates to tickets being bought, though.

“I like my chances to win the Monster Energy Cup. It would be great to join my father as Cup champion. My dad Bill won the 1988 Winston Cup championship. Dad was known as ‘Wild Bill From Dawsonville.’ With a championship, I could be known as ‘Awesome Chase From The Same Place.’”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th at Dover after he was collected in a crash triggered by Aric Almirola’s spin.

“I’m seventh in the playoff points standings,” Keselowski said. “That’s too close to the cutoff line for me, so I’m going to Talladega with every intention of winning. That’s called ‘Brad Intentions.’

“And while Talladega is not an official elimination race, it is the ultimate elimination race.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth at Dover, posting his sixth top 5 of the season.

“I’m pleased with my finish,” Busch said. “Talladega’s next on the schedule, and I finished second there in April. So the thought of ‘Dega’s super speedway makes my ears perk up. Or it used to, until the ‘perkiness’ was surgically removed from my ears back in 2006.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the Gander Outdoors 400.

“I hear Matt Kenseth won’t be driving in 2019,” Logano said. “I’ll have no part of Matt’s going away party, but I will party that he’s going away.”

8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer wrecked late at Dover and finished 35th, 16 laps down, and left him below the cutoff line to advance to the next round.

“Fans were able to bet on sports at a kiosk at Dover Speedway,” Bowyer said. “Sure, betting is fun, but if you’re a real NASCAR gambler, you’ll eat a hot dog at Martinsville.”

9. Aric Almirola: Almirola was leading when Clint Bowyer wrecked, opening the door for Chase Elliott to stay out and win the race. Almirola finished a disappointing 13th.

“I’m winless in my last 149 races,” Almirola said. “Maybe I should have stayed out on old tires and kept the lead. But hindsight is 20/20, and you really need to have great vision to look back to my last win.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 11th at Dover.

“The win at Charlotte gave me a lot of confidence,” Blaney said. “And I’m very confident I can win at Talladega. The name of the game at Talladega is to hang back and wait for an accident up front to open the door. So, I’ll maintain my strategy from Charlotte, and keep Jimmie Johnson in front of me.”

October 8, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 18th at Charlotte.

“Luckily,” Busch said, “I was already on to Round 2 of the Playoffs. If there’s such a thing as a ‘leisurely’ drive around a ‘roval,’ that was it.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was leading on the final lap when Jimmie Johnson attempted a daring pass and spun, sending Truex off course. Truex finished 14th.

“I deliberately spun Jimmie after the finish,” Truex said. “It’s called ‘an eye for an eye,’ or, as I’m fond of saying, ‘If you take a ‘dump’ on me, I’m gonna take a ‘dump’ on you.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth in the Bank Of America Roval 400.

“I clinched my spot in the next round simply by starting the race,” Harvick said. “Only a driver known as the ‘Closer’ could achieve such a feat.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski misjudged the entry to Turn 1 on a late restart and caused a huge pileup. Keselowski’s day was done and he finished 31st.

“Turn 1 on the roval is a near-90 degree turn,” Keselowski said. “It appears I didn’t take the ‘right angle’ to safely navigate the corner. As such, my day took a sharp turn for the worse.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Charlotte and finished fifth in the Bank Of America Roval 400.

“Personally,” Busch said, “I like the ‘roval’ course. Like me, it’s unpredictable, and also like me, most people say they hope they never see it again.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Charlotte and moved on to Round 2 of the Playoffs.

“What a great finish,” Logano said. “You could call it a ‘fantastic’ finish. Some great finishes at NASCAR races can simply be called ‘tastic’ finishes because there are no ‘fans.’”

7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took third at Charlotte and joined his three Stewart-Haas Racing teammates in Round 2 of the Playoffs.

“There are 12 drivers in Round 2,” Bowyer said. “Four of those are SHR drivers. The chances that a driver for SHR ultimately wins the Monster Energy Cup championship are pretty good. How do I know? Because the ‘4’ of SHR is a good bet to win it all.”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 and finished 25 at Charlotte and is on to Round 2 of the Playoffs.

“But just barely,” Larson said. “I got caught up in Brad Keselowski’s wild ride through Turn 1 late in the race and ended up just squeezing into the next round. I would say all credit goes to the man upstairs, but only if Jimmie Johnson is a floor above me.

“I married my girlfriend Katelyn Sweet last Wednesday. We’ve already produced two children, so we’ve been living in sin and synergy.”

9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 19th at Charlotte and qualified for the next round of the Playoffs as the 11th driver in.

“Dover is the next destination on the schedule,” Almirola said. “Hopefully, there will be no mention of the word ‘doval.’”

10. (tie): Chase Elliott: Elliott finished sixth at Charlotte and safely qualified for Round 2 of the Playoffs.

“The action at the ‘roval’ was as wild and crazy as predicted,” Elliott said. “That’s all thanks to Jimmie Johnson. Was J.J. driving a Toyota, because he seemed to be on a ‘Kamikaze mission?’”

10. (tie): Ryan Blaney: Blaney took advantage of Jimmie Johnson’s ill-advised pass attempt to steal the in win at Charlotte from Martin Truex, Jr.

“The door opened,” Blaney said, “and I drove right through it. Which is basically what Johnson did to Truex’s door. Johnson and Truex are legends in this sports. Fortunately for me, the ‘stars’ aligned, then wrecked, which gave me the win.”

October 1, 2018