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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Please Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch battled back from a start of 39th and took the win at Richmond, earning his 50th career Cup victory.

    “They say ‘Virginia is for lovers,” Busch said. “But did you hear the fans? ‘Virginia is for haters.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led late at Richmond but faded and finished ninth.

    “I had an ongoing battle with Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said. “As you know, we don’t like each other, but we raced clean. We raced side-by-side for several laps. We were so close, we traded paint, as well as insults.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was strong early at Richmond, winning the first two stages, and came home third in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

    “We didn’t win,” Truex said, “but I clinched my spot in the round of 12 based on points. That really puts me at ease. It’s always good to know that your immediate future is secure.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole and ran near the front all night at Richmond on his way to a second in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

    “I thought I’d be able to run down Kyle Busch at the end,” Harvick said. “It looked like he’d used up his tires getting past Brad Keselowski. I guess those Goodyear tires are better than I thought. I guess I owe Goodyear an apology, because, ironically, I blistered them with my words after the Las Vegas race.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished seventh at Richmond and is seventh in the playoff points standings.

    “Next up on the schedule is the ‘roval’ at Charlotte,” Larson said. “Nobody knows what to expect there. They’re calling it the ‘Great Unknown,’ so it shares its nickname with Kurt Busch’s day-to-day mental state.”

    6. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fifth at Richmond and is sixth in the playoff standings.

    “All I have to do at Charlotte is have a solid finish,” Almirola said, “and I should be a lock to advance to Round 2. That’s assuming things don’t go ‘haywire’ at Charlotte, which happens to be the route drivers will be taking on a course they’re not very familiar with.”

    7. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 34 laps and finished fourth at Richmond.

    “The No. 9 Chevy was fast,” Elliott said. “Now that it’s football season, we like to call the Hooters car the ‘Juggs Machine.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 18th at Richmond as younger brother Kyle won. Kurt is eighth in the playoff standings.

    “Kyle drove a heck of a race,” Busch said. “And he won the spring race at Richmond as well. We call that a ‘sweep.’ Judging by fans’ opinions of Kyle, you’d think he’d riding a broom instead of using one.”

    9. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished sixth at Richmond.

    “Brian France pleaded not guilty to driving while impaired,” Blaney said. “Everybody knows he’s guilty, but as a high-powered NASCAR official, he can afford a high-priced lawyer who will argue France is above the law. So, France might as well just plead guilty to being drunk on power.”

    10 (tie). Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th, one lap down, in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond.

    “I had an uncontrolled tire penalty,” Logano said. “That’s an aggravating penalty, but it’s not the worst fate. What’s worse than an uncontrolled tire penalty? An ‘uncontrolled bore,’ which is what happens when a normally mild-mannered and uninteresting person like Matt Kenseth loses his mind and wrecks you.”

    10. (tie) Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 10th at Richmond.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. finished fourth in the Xfinity face on Friday night,” Bowyer said. “It was great to see Junior back on the track. Fans love seeing Junior driving, but Junior loves broadcasting. But we can’t have both. Or can we? Why not let Junior call a race from inside the car. It’s a win-win situation, and that’s two more wins than Junior’s used to getting on race day.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won his third consecutive race, emerging victorious at Las Vegas.

    “I’m already in the next round of the Playoffs,” Keselowski said. “And so is my car. For the time being, I’m calling the No. 2 Ford ‘Advance Auto.’ Mention that name at your local Advance Auto store and win a free ‘plug.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started fourth and finished seventh in the South Point 400.

    “I was lucky to pull out a seventh,” Busch said. “We had a problem in the pits with a faulty air gun. No one likes these guns, but we’ve all had to bite the bullet and deal with it. Whoever invented these guns should be fired. But to take these air guns from NASCAR officials, we’d have to pry them from their cold, dead hands.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Las Vegas and is now second in the playoff standings.

    “It’s a great start to the Playoffs for Furniture Row Racing,” Truex said. “It’s highly likely that I’ll advance to the next round of the Playoffs. So when I say ‘We’re in business,’ I mean it with the least amount of irony possible.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 39th after blowing a tire on Lap 147, which sent him into the wall and into the path of Erik Jones’ No. 20, which rammed Harvick.

    “I was very critical of Goodyear’s tires,” Harvick said. “And as you know, I’m not afraid to speak my mind. So, No. 1, I’m pissed. And No. 2, their tires are a ‘piece of crap.’”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second in the South Point 400, getting his Playoffs off to a great start.

    “I’m very pleased with my finish,” Larson said. “The Las Vegas track sets up well for my style. In fact, all the drivers love racing at Las Vegas. All weekend, we get to call our crew chiefs ‘pit bosses.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch was collected in a late crash and finished 21st at Las Vegas, one lap down.

    “Kyle and I consider Las Vegas Motor Speedway our home track,” Busch said. “You can call us ‘homey;’ most people would call us ‘homely.’”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Las Vegas, posting his sixth top five of the year. He is seventh in the playoff standings.

    “Kevin Harvick had some harsh words for Goodyear tires,” Blaney said. “He called their tires ‘crap.’ I think Kevin was just extremely frustrated and probably didn’t mean what he said. Let’s hope this doesn’t stick with him. After all, ‘What crappens in Vegas stays in Vegas.’”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Las Vegas and finished fourth as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski won his third consecutive race.

    “That was Team Penske’s 500th win across all motorsports,” Logano said. “That’s decades of success that is incredibly impressive. If you think about all the trophies that resulted in those 500 wins, it would take an entire fleet of Penske moving trucks to transport them.”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola was the top finisher among Stewart-Haas Racing cars with a sixth in the South Point 400. He is ninth in the playoff standings.

    “I would compliment Goodyear tires,” Almirola said, “but that might cause some friction with my teammate Kevin Harvick. And the last thing I want to do is mention ‘Goodyear tires’ and ‘friction’ anywhere within earshot of Kevin.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 23rd at Las Vegas.

    “I feel for Kevin Harvick and his blown Goodyear tire,” Bowyer said. “There’s the Goodyear Blimp, then there’s the ‘Goodyear Gimp,’ which is Harvick’s No. 4 car on three good tires. So I guess Goodyear can’t expect Harvick to speak kindly of them, because the last thing he intends to be is a ‘Goodyear Pimp.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Indianapolis and is seeded second for the start of the Playoffs, which begin at Las Vegas.

    “Vegas has myself, Kyle Busch, Brad Keselowski, and Martin Truex Jr. as favorites to win it all,” Harvick said. “Those are the car numbers 4, 18, 2, and 78 cars. So, if you’re a betting person, odds are ‘even.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch led 27 laps and finished eighth in the Big Machine Vodka 400 at the Brickyard.

    “We snatched up Martin Truex Jr. not long after Furniture Row Racing shut down,” Busch said. “So, as far as Joe Gibbs Racing goes for next year, Truex is in the ‘fold.’

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was knocked out just three laps in at Indianapolis and finished 40th.

    “Furniture Row Racing is shutting down operations after this season,” Truex said. “So, not only am I losing my seat, I’m losing a chair also.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski got by Clint Bowyer and Denny Hamlin on a late restart and pulled away to win the Big Machine Vodka 400, his second consecutive win.

    “I’ve always said, ‘I’d rather be kissing bricks,’” Keselowski stated. “And my wife has often said the same.”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch came home sixth in the Big Machine Vodka 400 At The Brickyard.

    “Rain pretty much washed out all track activities for the weekend,” Busch said. “Just ask the fans that spent the weekend in the infield. They’ll verify that there was nothing ‘dry’ anywhere to be found.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 14th at Indianapolis and will start the Playoffs as the 12th seed.

    “If I win the Monster Energy Cup championship from the 12th seed,” Larson said, “it will be the biggest steal in NASCAR history. In other words, it will be a case of ‘Kyle Larson-y.’”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth in the Big Machine Vodka 400 at Indianapolis.

    “We’re headed to Las Vegas,” Bowyer said, “the betting capital of the world. I think gambling at NASCAR tracks would be great for the sport. And my teammate Kevin Harvick is an expert on the subject because he knows who has the horseshoe up their butt.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was leading and on his way to a likely win at Indy before Landon Cassill and Jeffrey Earnhardt crashed, causing a caution that ultimately led to Brad Keselowski’s win.

    “That’s the first time an Earnhardt has factored into a win in quite some time,” Hamlin said. “Nothing pisses a leading driver off more than a wreck at the back of the field. First, you see ‘yellow,’ then you see ‘red.’”

    9. Joey Logano: Logano finished 13th as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took the win.

    “That’s two big wins for Roger Penske at Indy,” Logano said. “First, Will Power won the Indianapolis 500 in May, then Brad wins the Brickyard. Local Indianapolis bars have created a drink in our owner’s honor. It’s called the ‘Roger Penske–half milk, half Miller Lite.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 15th at Indianapolis and will start the playoffs as the eighth seed.

    “The NASCAR post-season used to be called the ‘Chase,’” Elliott said. “So, 25 years from now, will I have a son named ‘Playoffs?’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Darlington, posting his 18th top five of the season.

    “I had an incident in the Xfinity Series with a driver named Ross Chastain,” Harvick said. “He flat out wrecked me. Here’s the thing–he’s a nobody. Ironically, though, I was the one asking, ‘Doesn’t he know who I am?’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started fifth at Darlington and finished sixth, one spot behind older brother Kurt.

    “Luckily,” Busch said, “I wasn’t confronted by a fan like I was after the race at Bristol a few weeks ago. This guy actually put his hands on me. NASCAR needs to make some serious adjustments because this is the ultimate in ‘hand-ling’ issues.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third and finished 11th in the Bojangles Southern 500.

    “I’ve yet to find a sponsor for the 2019 season,” Truex said. “And that’s really sad because I’m the defending Monster Energy Cup champion; I should have sponsors knocking down doors to support me. Unfortunately, stock cars don’t have doors. And, the window of opportunity is closing fast.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Bojangles Southern 500.

    “Bojangles has had their name associated with this race for years,” Busch said. “And Bojangles is known for its chicken. That makes this place near and dear to me because I am known as a chicken.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson easily won the first two stages at Darlington and finished third, after Brad Keselowski beat him out of the pits on their final pit stop.

    “I led 284 of 367 laps,” Larson said, “but we faltered in the pits when it counted. We should have taken first place; instead, it was the ‘won’ that got away.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 36th after slamming into Ryan Newman, who had slowed dramatically to enter the pits. Bowyer finished 36th.

    “The start of the race was delayed by lightning,” Bowyer said. “Race officials even had to clear the grandstands. Usually, it’s the racing itself that clears the grandstands.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished beat Kyle Larson out of the pits on a late pit stop and pulled away to take the Southern 500, his first win of the season.

    “It was awesome to run the No. 2 Miller Genuine Draft paint scheme made famous by the great Rusty Wallace,” Keselowski said. “That was back in the day when Rusty’s teammate was Ryan Newman, who really hated No. 2, both the driver of No. 2 and being No. 2.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Darlington to teammate Brad Keselowski to give Penske Racing a 1-2 finish.

    “My car had the Pennzoil paint scheme made famous by Steve Park,” Logano said. “Matt Kenseth called that ‘getting Parked,’ but I think he was referring to what he did to me at Martinsville in 2015.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott started 11th and finished fifth at Darlington, recording his eighth top-five result of the season.

    “It was ‘throwback’ weekend at Darlington,” Elliott said. “It’s a great opportunity to revisit NASCAR’s history. And all but 16 drivers will experience their own personal ‘throwback’ at Indianapolis because after the Playoff field is set, those non-qualifiers will be told ‘you’re history.’”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole and finished 10th at Darlington.

    “NASCAR and Formula 1 will go head-to-head in November of 2019 with races at Austin and Fort Worth on the same weekend,” Hamlin said. “I think we’ll be just fine. The idea that racing fans in America would choose F1 over NASCAR is simply ‘Prix-mature.’ Texas is NASCAR country, and I expect we’ll drive circles around F1.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Bristol as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kurt Busch took the win.

    “It was Kurt Busch’s night,” Harvick said. “And he deserves it. I know I’ve been dominating the headlines all season, but it’s good to see Kurt making headlines of his own, especially those that don’t involve assassins, or ear surgery, or getting punched.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch survived an early spin, which resulted in considerable damage, to race back into contention before a flat tire with 18 laps to go derailed his chances. He finished 20th.

    “I accidentally wrecked Martin Truex Jr. I feel terrible. There’s only one thing tougher for a Busch brother than knowing he accidentally knocked a driver out of the race, and that’s apologizing for it. But I am remorseful. Just ask Martin. He’ll tell you I’m the ‘sorriest’ SOB in NASCAR.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was knocked out of the race on lap 465 when contact with Kyle Busch set him into the wall and spinning across the track, where he was clipped by J.J. Yeley. Truex finished 30th.

    “After the crash,” Truex said, “my wife Sherry Pollex tweeted and called Kyle a ‘moron.’ I’m not one to criticize, but she’s right. I find it difficult to badmouth anyone. I do my talking in the car. So, while I’m talking track, she’s talking smack.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch took the lead on a restart with 23 laps to go and held off Kyle Larson to capture his first win of the season and sixth career win at Bristol.

    “I got two awesome restarts,” Busch said, “both at the expense of Clint Bowyer. My co-car owner Tony Stewart would be proud because I ‘Smoke’d’ Clint.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led 120 laps and finished sixth at Bristol.

    “It was my race to lose,” Bowyer said, “and I blew it on the restart with 23 laps to go. Getting a good restart is crucial. Kurt got it right; I got ‘left.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano led 95 laps and finished fourth in the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race, posting his sixth top five of the year.

    “An NRA-sponsored race at night?” Logano said. “That’s what you call a ‘shot in the dark.’”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole and tried unsuccessfully to chase down Kurt Busch for the win late at Bristol. Larson’s runner-up finish was his seventh top-five of the season.

    “I had fresher tires than Busch,” Larson said. “I thought that would give us a big advantage, but when the rubber hit the road, it wasn’t to be. Sure Busch’s tires were worn, but they sure did the trick for him. If his tires could speak, they would have said, ‘Don’t tread on me.’”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his fifth consecutive top-five finish with a third at Bristol.

    “This was the 40th anniversary of the Bristol night race,” Elliott said. “That means NASCAR fans at Bristol have been getting ‘lit’ for close to half a century.”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney dominated early at Bristol, leading 121 laps, and finished seventh.

    “More importantly,” Blaney said, “I clinched a spot in the Playoffs. That means I’m one of 16 drivers with a chance to win the Monster Energy Cup championship. I like those odds. Vegas oddsmakers aren’t quite so optimistic. They’ve placed my odds at winning the Cup at 666/1 because I don’t have a chance in hell.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th in the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race.

    “Despite my below-average finish,” Keselowski said, “I still clinched a spot in the Playoffs. That’s called a ‘berth.’ Now, there are four spots still to be decided in the next two races. And there are several drivers still in the running for those four spots. It will be nerve-racking. Doctors have said that where these ‘berths’ are concerned, the dilations are practically at zero. Of course, they’re talking about those drivers’ sphincters.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stages 1 and 2 and led 108 laps on his way to a dominant win in the Consumers Energy 400 at Michigan.

    “The No. 4 Ford was super-fast,” Harvick said. “And, with Busch Light beer sponsoring the car, it was a case of ‘drinking and driving’ that turned out well.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Michigan and finished third, his second consecutive third-place finish and 17th top five of the season.

    “I still have the lead in the Monster Energy Cup points standings,” Busch said. “So, if the question is who’s on top in the points, much as in the case of Brian France, you can charge me with ‘possession.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home 14th in the Consumers Energy 400.

    “I was so close to winning at Watkins Glen,” Truex said. “Then I come crashing back down to earth with a disappointing 14th at Michigan. Talk about a sobering experience.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Consumers Energy 400, posting his 14th top-10 result of the year.

    “Did you see Ty Dillon run over a chunk of debris on Lap 134?” Busch said. “And this was no small piece of debris. I’m surprised NASCAR officials missed it. Of course, they’ve been known to see debris that actually isn’t there. So, the fact that the didn’t see something that was clearly visible is no surprise. Apparently, much like Brian France, they were ‘blinded.’”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 12th at Michigan as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick claimed a dominant victory.

    “Kevin is driving like a champ,” Bowyer said. “It’s like he’s from another planet. Let me clarify: if the subject is a 2018 Monster Energy Cup championship celebration party for Kevin, you can go ahead and ‘planet.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Michigan as Kevin Harvick drove away for an easy victory.

    “Harvick’s son Keelan picked up the checkered flag,” Keselowski said. “Then he hitched a ride with his dad to Victory Lane. Of course, it’s not like Keelan could drive there himself. It just goes to show that even a six-year-old knows when to call a designated driver.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Michigan.

    “I pitted on the pace lap to replace a shock absorber,” Logano said. “And anytime you pit on the pace lap for a shock, you know it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson, always strong at Michigan, finished 17th in the Consumers Energy 400.

    “Kevin Harvick totally dominated this race,” Larson said. “He won every stage of the race handily. For fans of the sport, it was incredibly boring. It was so boring, it could drive a man to drink. And in some case, the drinking comes before the driving.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Michigan and finished eighth.

    “The Playoff field of 16 will be set in a few weeks,” Hamlin said. “And just seconds after that, we’ll be able to identify the 13 drivers that have zero chance of winning the Cup. There’s the ‘Big 3,’ and then there’s the ‘Little 13.’”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott started 21st and finished ninth at Michigan.

    “I’m still on a high from the events of last week at Watkins Glen,” Elliott said. “Just to be clear, that’s not a quote from Brian France.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Watkins Glen and led 31 laps before a fuel probe malfunction in the pits, necessitating an extra pit stop. Despite the issue, Busch recovered to post a third-place finish.

    “We just didn’t get enough fuel in the tank,” Busch said. “In other words, I had a ‘halfsie.’”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stalked race leader Chase Elliott over the final laps at Watkins Glen, but was unable to make the pass. He eventually ran out of fuel and coasted home to a second-place finish.

    “Elliott drove his butt off,” Truex said. “He hit all his marks, didn’t make a mistake, and was technically perfect. When I got behind him, I said ‘The chase is on,’ and boy was I right.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 10th in the GoBowling 400 at Watkins Glen, scoring his 18th top 10 of the year.

    “I was not a factor in the race,” Harvick said. “In fact, I was barely seen, which means I played the role of ‘Tiny Kevin Harvick’ and it wasn’t a commercial.

    “NBC had a camera on my feet. If nothing else, it made former NFL coach Rex Ryan a viewer.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 13th top 10 of the year.

    “NASCAR CEO Brian France was arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance,” Busch said. “I’m pretty sure this will result in a revoked license. In other words, he’ll face a ‘drive-through‘ penalty.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th in the GoBowling 400 at Watkins Glen.

    “Chase Elliott and Martin Truex Jr. put on quite a show over those last few laps,” Bowyer said. “You could feel the suspense, and with the race being sponsored by GoBowling.com, fans were on ‘pins and needles.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished last after an oil cooler malfunction sent him through the sand on lap 2.

    “NASCAR put my car on what is known as the ‘damaged vehicle policy,” Logano said. “The last time someone pulled the ol’ ‘damaged vehicle policy’ on me, it was Matt Kenseth.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth at Watkins Glen, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year.

    “What a drive by Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “He’s the son of Bill Elliott, also known as ‘Awesome Bill From Dawsonville.’ Chase’s win gave Hendrick Motorsports its 250th win, but more importantly, it puts him in the Chase For The Cup. Plus, he may have secured the title of ‘Most Popular Driver.’ An appropriate nickname is ‘Awesome Chase In An Awesome Place.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Watkins Glen and finished 13th.

    “All that work for the pole,” Hamlin said, “and I only led two laps. In the words of former JGR great Tony Stewart on his way out of the bathroom, ‘So much for clean air.’”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott held off Martin Truex Jr. in the closing laps at Watkins Glen and won his first career Monster Energy Cup race, giving Hendrick Motorsports its 250th win in the process.

    “My car ran out of gas on the cool-down lap,” Elliott said. “Luckily, a man I’ve always looked up to, Jimmie Johnson, gave me a push. So, much like Brian France, who took a ride in a police cruiser, it was left to an ‘authority figure’ to get me where I was going.

    “My 62-year-old father will run the Xfinity race at Road America later this month. He’ll be driving for GMS Racing, and they’ve pledged to outfit his ride with a brand new exhaust system. Because if there’s ever a time for new exhaust, it’s for an ‘old fart.’”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 17th at Watkins Glen.

    “Brian France disgraced himself by getting arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance,” Keselowski said. “France was taken to the slammer is shackles. That’s embarrassing. But let’s make it even more embarrassing and call those shackles the ‘HANDS Device.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch pulled away on a restart with three laps to go and cruised to the win in the Gander Outdoors 400.

    “I tied Tony Stewart with my 49th Cup win,” Busch said. “One more win and I can finally say, ‘Well, passing him in the buffet line is out of the question, but at least I passed Tony in the standings.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth in the Gander Outdoors 400.

    “I won the pole,” Harvick said, “but it was nullified when my car failed post-race inspection. If this were the National Basketball Association, I would have been issued a ‘technical’ foul. In other words, I got ‘T’d’ up. And that makes me ‘T’d’ off.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 15th at Pocono.

    “Pocono is a tough track for drivers to figure out,” Truex said. “The ‘Tricky Triangle,’ as they call it, is quite a dilemma for most drivers. NASCAR itself has its own ‘Tricky Triangle’ dilemma—–finding any other driver besides me, Kevin Harvick, or Kyle Busch to win a race.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home 11th in the Gander Outdoors 400.

    “Brian France recently reaffirmed his family’s commitment to NASCAR,” Bowyer said. “I’m not sure I buy it. France can say one thing and mean another. Of course, it’s no surprise that from someone with a double chin comes double speak.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished a disappointing 26th at Pocono.

    “This was Jimmie Johnson’s 600th Cup start,” Logano said. “That certainly deserves recognition. So let’s give it up for Jimmie. He’s got seven Cup championship trophies to his name. I think the only trophy he’s capable of garnering these days is a participation trophy.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 23rd at Pocono and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “This race was called the ‘Gander Outdoors 400,’” Larson said. “Judging by what I saw in the stands, attendance was sparse. But NASCAR’s bigger issue is television ratings. So, I guess the biggest problem is not the ‘Gander Outdoors,’ but instead fans neglecting to take a ‘Gander Indoors.’”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 10th at Pocono, posting his 11th top 10 of the season.

    “I was really pulling for my teammate Daniel Suarez to pull out the win and qualify for the postseason,” Hamlin said. “As you probably know, Daniel is a native of Mexico. Daniel’s a big part of NASCAR’s ‘Driver For Diversity’ program. And, along with Bubba Wallace, the program seems to be working. Before, however, I wasn’t so sure. Instead of ‘diversity,’ it seems to be more a case of ‘re-versity.’”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 14 laps and finished seventh at Pocono, recording his 10th top-10 result of the season.

    “I’m still looking for my first win,” Elliott said. “I’ve been close on several occasions, but there’s always something that gets in the way. So, before it happens, I have to overcome the issues that arise when s#it happens.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski spun and hit the wall on lap 121, ending his day at Pocono. He finished 38th.

    “I thought I hit the wall hard,” Keselowski said, “until I saw Bubba Wallace hit the wall with six laps to go. Thank goodness for the SAFER barrier. It’s always good to see a driver walk away from an accident. And, in some cases, like Carl Edwards at Talladega in 2009, it’s pretty cool to see a driver run away from an accident.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Pocono as younger brother Kyle took the win.

    “Great run by Kyle,” Busch said, “but what about the effort of some of these youngsters, like Daniel Suarez and Chase Elliott? Those guys have skills. You might even say each of them is a ‘Baby Driver.’ When I was that young, most drivers questioned my talents. Some even called me a ‘Maybe Driver.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick bumped Kyle Busch out of the lead with six laps to go to win the New Hampshire 301.

    “I had to get Kyle out of the way,” Harvick said. “That’s called making a ‘move.’

    “Now, of course, I expect Kyle to retaliate at some point. This is NASCAR. The name of the game is ‘tit for tat,’ which is also the name of the game for the chests of some of our finest female race fans.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at New Hampshire after getting bumped out of the lead with six laps to go.

    “Harvick blatantly moved me out of the way,” Busch said. “And he can ‘kiss my ass,’ which, come to think of it, is exactly what he did when he put his front end on my back end.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 and led 83 laps at New Hampshire on his way to a fourth-place finish.

    “5-Hour Energy won’t be renewing its sponsorship for next season,” Truex said. “Not to worry, though. We’re in talks with a similar brand geared toward developing adolescents, called ‘Booster Shot.’”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole and finished eighth in the New Hampshire 301.

    “My brother Kyle called me a ‘dipshit’ during the race,” Busch said. “I’ve made it a point in my life not to listen to anything Kyle says. That was made easier when I had my ears surgically reduced in 2006.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano came home ninth at New Hampshire.

    “This was New Hampshire’s only race of the season,” Logano said. “They lost their fall date to Las Vegas. I can certainly sympathize. My early love life is peppered with ‘first and only’ dates.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Clint Bowyer finished 35th at New Hampshire, suffering his worst finish of the season.

    “Loverboy played a pre-race concert,” Bowyer said. “Country music is more my thing, so I enjoyed the Loverboy set only slightly. You could say I was ‘lovin’ just a minute of it.’”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson took 12th in the New Hampshire 301 and is now eighth in the points standings, 258 out of first.

    “Speaking of Loverboy,” Larson said, “they were rocking. They were on fire. And being that they hail from our neighbors to the North, that makes them ‘Canadian Bakin.””

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled and finished 32nd at New Hampshire.

    “I was pretty much out of it early,” Keselowski said. “But I thoroughly enjoyed the Kevin Harvick-Kyle Busch battle. It must be satisfying for Harvick to be trailing and then have the ability to move Busch out of the way. Kevin really ‘took it from behind.’ Maybe that headline is not the most suitable for newspaper publication, so let’s go with this one: ‘Harvick Humps, Bumps, And Trumps Busch.’ Much better.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at New Hampshire and is now ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Tony Stewart wants Cup cars to race on the dirt track at Eldora,” Hamlin said. “I think a lot of drivers would like that too, but to say it will definitely happen would be negligent. So, in the words of Kyle Busch pleading in response to careless and reckless driving charges in North Carolina in 2011, it’s ‘no contest.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola was leading late at New Hampshire until a slow pit stop and bad restart cost him track position. He recovered to finish third but was left wanting more.

    “We blew it,” Almirola said. “We had the best car out there. Everything about the engine was working perfectly, especially the ‘choke.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 33rd in the Coke Zero Sugar 400 after crashing out in an early wreck caused by Ricky Stenhouse Jr.

    “The No. 18 Interstate Battery Toyota was capable of winning,” Busch said. “That is, until Stenhouse took me out. Revenge is forthcoming. But not from me. I don’t have time to mess with him, so I’m gonna have my hauler driver take his out on the way from Daytona to Kentucky. That’s ‘interstate battery.’”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Daytona, losing the win after Erik Jones passed him on the last lap.

    “Erik got a kiss from his girlfriend in Victory Lane for winning the Coke Zero Sugar 400,” Truex said. “I, on the other hand, didn’t get a kiss from anyone. In other words, I got ‘zero sugar.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s day ended with two laps remaining in regulation when he was collected in a crash involving several cars.

    “One second you’re racing for the win,” Harvick said. “The next, you’re climbing out of your wrecked car. Next, you’re walking down the track toward the ambulance with Clint Bowyer discussing the scratches and scrapes you just suffered. As it is in nearly all instances, Clint’s remedy is to ‘put a little alcohol on it.’”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer was contending up front with two laps remaining in regulation when he was turned by Bubba Wallace and sent into the wall. Bowyer finished 22nd.

    “Even when he’s not in the car,” Bowyer said, “Dale Earnhardt Jr. is a factor. He was the only ‘Junior’ who didn’t cause an accident at Daytona.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 39th in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “A couple of early wrecks wiped out many of the biggest names in NASCAR,” Logano said. “Most of those accidents were the result of the actions of Ricky Stenhouse Jr. I can totally see why Danica Patrick dumped Ricky Stenhouse Jr. Although he was the ‘Big One,’ he was not ‘the One.’”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 29 at Daytona after spinning on Lap 123 and collecting Ricky Stenhouse Jr.

    “I won Friday’s Xfinity Series race,” Larson said. “That was thanks to NASCAR saying Justin Haley’s pass for the lead was illegal because two of his tires were below the yellow line. Is that line really yellow, because I could have sworn I saw a ‘silver lining?’

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski fell victim to one of several wrecks at Daytona and finished 36th.

    “I wrecked because William Byron blocked me,” Keselowski said. “I lifted and got hit from behind. I guess the lesson is this: ‘Don’t check up, otherwise you’ll be headed for the infield care center for a ‘check-up.’ Another lesson: keep your foot on the pedal. That way it’s less likely to want to end up in someone’s behind.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished a disappointing 38th at Daytona

    “What a great drive by Erik Jones,” Hamlin said. “He picked up his first Monster Energy Cup win by outdueling the defending champion. Wow! Who would have thought Erik would get his first win at Daytona? And who would have thought his first win would come before his first tan?”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 37th at Daytona after crashing out in a Lap 53 accident that also wiped out Denny Hamlin, Joey Logano, Brad Keselowski, and Ryan Blaney.

    “That’s a veritable who’s who of drivers who have never won a Cup championship,” Busch said.

    “I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ricky Stenhouse Jr. played a part in that accident. Stenhouse won the first two stages. Obviously, his car was awesome. Then he just started causing accidents. In both cases, you could say he was a one-man wrecking crew.”

    10. Erik Jones: Jones made a last-lap pass of Martin Truex Jr. and held on to win the Coke Zero Sugar 400, earning his first Monster Energy Cup win.

    “I’m proud to drive the No. 20 car that Tony Stewart made famous,” Jones said. “I’ve always admired Tony. He’s a giant in this sport, literally and figuratively. In fact, I was thinking about Tony when I crossed the finish line, knowing I had clinched a spot in the Chase and proved my value to Joe Gibbs. It was a case of ‘girth,’ ‘berth,’ and ‘worth.’”