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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch outdueled Kyle Larson for the win at Chicagoland, posting his fifth win this season and 48th of his career.

    “That was a wild final lap,” Busch said. “And the fans had the audacity to boo me, so I ‘shhhh’ed’ them. ‘Boo’ plus ‘shhh’ equals ‘Busch’ basically.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took fourth in the Overton’s 400 at Chicagoland, recording his 11th top-five of the season.

    “Contrary to last week at Sonoma,” Truex said, “the race at Chicagoland is decided on the track, and not in the pits. Kyle Busch won by spinning Kyle Larson; I won at Sonoma by tricking Kevin Harvick. I think it’s clear that NASCAR fans prefer the ‘take out’ to the ‘fake out.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 39 laps and finished third at Chicagoland.

    “I could have snuck in for the win if Kyle Busch and Kyle Larson had wrecked each other,” Harvick said. “Had they done so, I would have been there to pick up the pieces, and inevitably, NASCAR would have called a debris caution.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Chicagoland for his 13th top-10 result of the season.

    “Some people are calling Sunday’s race the best one of the year,” Logano said. “And some are calling the final lap the ‘Lap Of The Century.’ That means Kyle Busch was part of the ‘Lap Of The Century’ with Kyle Larson, and Kurt Busch was a part of the ‘Slap Of The Century’ with Jimmy Spencer.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth at Chicagoland, scoring his sixth top-five finish of the year.

    “We had some pit road penalties that really cost us,” Bowyer said. “I got caught speeding on pit road, then got caught speeding while serving the penalty, and next, I ran right through a stop-and-go penalty. And finally, I drove our chances of winning straight into the ground.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson charged to the front late and battled Kyle Busch in a memorable last lap at Chicagoland. After much contact, Busch gave Larson a final bump, spinning Larson and propelling Busch to the win.

    “The No. 18 car got the best of me today,” Larson said. “Busch put the nose of the Skittles car on my back bumper and said ‘Taste the rainbow.’ In the business, I think that’s called getting ‘candy-assed.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the Overton’s 400.

    “That was a heck of a battle between Kyle Busch and Kyle Larson for the win,” Keselowski said. “First Larson put Busch into the wall, then Busch returned the favor. When one Kyle does that to another Kyle, it’s called an ‘I for an I.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Chicagoland and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “That was Kyle’s 48th career Cup win,” Hamlin said. “That puts him one behind Tony Stewart. Kyle really wants to get ahead of Tony. Mostly so he can say, ‘Look! Tony Stewart’s behind!’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home 18th at Chicagoland and is now 10th in the points standings, 241 out of first.

    “What a treat for fans of NASCAR,” Blaney said. “Dale Earnhardt Jr. in the booth, and a thrilling finish on the track. Now, the term ‘slide job’ is a new part of NASCAR vernacular. Note to the people of Junior Nation: ‘vernacular’ is not an STD, and for a ‘slide job’ to take place, no money needs to change hands.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 17th at Chicagoland as younger brother Kyle took the win in dramatic fashion.

    “I expressed frustration with Kevin Harvick racing me so hard on the final lap of Stage 2,” Busch said. “When I confronted Harvick about it, he referenced my brother Kyle’s mocking of booing fans with a ‘crying’ gesture and replied, ‘What he said.’ So, in the end, I guess Harvick ‘had a point,’ for winning the stage.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 62 laps and used some clever pit strategy to secure the win in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Sonoma.

    “I’ve got to hand it to crew chief Cole Pearn,” Truex said. “He suckered Kevin Harvick into pitting early. It was pure trickery and it helped us secure the win. You don’t see tricks turned like that in NASCAR, except in the Daytona infield.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, posting his 11th top-five result of the year. He leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 72 over Kevin Harvick.

    “How about Martin Truex Jr.’s pit strategy?” Busch said. “Kevin Harvick’s team fell for it big time. It kind of reminded me of the Mars company’s lollipop-production strategy, because there’s ‘a sucker born every minute.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started sixth and finished second at Sonoma, bested by Martin Truex Jr., who feigned a late pit stop which made Harvick pit earlier than expected.

    “We fell for it,” Harvick said. “Cole Pearn threw out the bait, and we bit, and that bites.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished 19th at Sonoma and is now third in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 112 out of first.

    “We really didn’t have a car fast enough to win,” Logano said. “So my day at Sonoma was basically a nice, leisurely drive through wine country. Not to be confused with ‘whine‘ country; that’s where my dad lives.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took third at Sonoma as Stewart Haas Racing cars placed four cars in the top 8. Bowyer is sixth in the points standings, 152 behind Kyle Busch.

    “Martin Truex Jr. celebrated his win with a glass of wine in Victory Lane,” Bowyer said. “Personally, I think that’s bad optics for a NASCAR driver. It’s one thing to drink wine but from a wine glass? If it was me, I would have sent a crew member on a ‘Chase For The Cup’ from which to drink wine.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 13th at Sonoma on a tough day for Penske Racing.

    “That was the last Fox NASCAR broadcast of the season,” Keselowski said. “Now, NBC takes over. Hopefully, NBC can do something to make the product more entertaining. Seriously, NASCAR needs a real jump in viewership. And trust me, I’m an expert in ‘jumps in viewership.’ Back in 2014, ratings exploded when I was ‘jumped’ between two haulers by Matt Kenseth.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch started 23rd and worked his way through Sonoma’s twists and turns to score a sixth-place finish.

    “Far be it from me to criticize Kevin Harvick’s team for being fooled,” Busch said. “After all, I’m the guy who thought he was dating an assassin.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Sonoma and finished 14th.

    “Martin Truex Jr.’s crew chief Cole Pearn deserves all the credit for the win,” Larson said. “His pit stop bluff was arguably the most brilliant overtaking maneuver in NASCAR history. Had that been at the poker tables, Pearn would have forced Kevin Harvick’s team to fold and watch a sure victory go down the drain. I’m not sure what cards they were holding, but I’m guessing it was a ‘flush.’”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth at Sonoma.

    “Despite Kevin Harvick getting duped out of the victory,” Almirola said, “it was still a successful race for Stewart-Haas Racing. SHR cars finished second, third, sixth, and eighth. And we all celebrated by jumping off a bridge, mostly because Cole Pearn told us Martin Truex Jr. was gonna do it first.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 10th at Sonoma, recording his ninth top 10 of the year.

    “There were only two cautions on the day,” Hamlin said, “and those were just for the end of the stages. I know one person who wanted one more caution, and that’s Kevin Harvick. That would have tightened up the gap between Harvick and Martin Truex Jr. So, I’m surprised NASCAR, like they have done so often in the past, didn’t just invent some debris on the track. Even if there wasn’t debris on the track, they could have convinced everyone there was. I’m almost positive Rodney Childers would have bought it.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Michigan as the lone Toyota among seven Fords in the top 8.

    “What do you call one Toyota amongst so many Fords?” Busch said. “‘Asian Fusion.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second to Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Clint Bowyer in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Firekeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.

    “If I’m going to lose to anyone,” Harvick said, “I’m happy it’s Clint. But let’s be serious, he was very fortunate, opting for a two-tire pit stop and then having the rain come at a perfect time. So I have to ask him this: ‘Did you just punk me, lucky Clint?’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh in the Firekeepers Casino 400, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year.

    “Firekeepers Casino is a great destination for betting,” Logano said. “You could play it safe and put money on Kevin Harvick or Kyle Busch. But if you’re looking for a ‘long shot,’ check with Kurt Busch, because he claims he’s dated a sniper. And he has great odds for the money.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer gambled with a two-tire pit stop and beat Kevin Harvick on a restart, then took the win when rain cut short the Firestarters Casino 400.

    “I got the jump on Harvick on that final restart,” Bowyer said. “For the second time on Sunday, it was like someone was shot out of a cannon.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 18th at Michigan.

    “Rain delayed the start of the race,” Truex said, “and rain shortened the race. As far as I, the 2018 Monster Energy Cup champion, is concerned, it’s ‘reigning‘ all the time.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan.

    “The checkered flag flew early on Sunday,” Keselowski said. “Now, I could be referring to our race, or the Canadian Grand Prix, where supermodel Winnie Harlow flew the checkered flag two laps early. She should be embarrassed. Harlow’s next trip down the runway should be on the cat-walk of shame.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Michigan and finished third, as Stewart-Haas Racing finished 1-2-3.

    “That’s right,” Busch said. “My SHR teammates Clint Bowyer and Kevin Harvick finished first and second. Team owner Tony Stewart is thrilled. The last time Tony and I were involved in a ‘1-2-3,’ it was after he punched me in the NASCAR hauler.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson, seeking his fourth-straight win at Michigan, struggled to a 28th-place finish at Michigan.

    “I was slowed by a spin in the grass on Lap 85,” Larson said. “That left a huge divot. And, to make another golf reference, the rain made sure that no one had a ‘green in regulation.’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1 at Michigan and finished with an eighth-place finish.

    “Michigan may have had the best pre-race show in NASCAR history,” Blaney said. “Mostly because a daredevil was shot out of a cannon into a net. That’s excitement. And speaking of ‘excitement,’ the original ‘human cannonball’ in NASCAR was ‘Mr. Excitement’ himself, Jimmie Spencer, who once emptied the water when he once plopped into a swimming pool.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Michigan and is now eighth in the points standings, 196 out of first.

    “We have a week off,” Hamlin said, “then it’s off to Sonoma, in California wine country, for a road course race. I’m not sure traditional NASCAR fans enjoy road races. They prefer the combination of alcohol and twists and turns to comprise their drunken drive home from an oval race.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch took third at Pocono and remained atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Martin Truex Jr. interjected him into the Cup favorite conversation,” Busch said. “And I think a lot of people are pulling for him over me and Kevin Harvick. Kevin and I are not fan favorites; Martin is. But that’s not the full story. Martin can be ruthless and cold-blooded. Don’t let that smile fool you. While Harvick and I are the bad guys, Truex’s act is a ‘good guise.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 89 laps and finished fourth at Pocono, posting his 10th top 5 of the season.

    “I’ve gone two races without a win,” Harvick said. “That’s two too many, and also too, too many. I know it sounds like I’m too’ting my own horn. But I’m not. That’s DeLana’s Twitter job.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex pulled away on a restart with seven laps to go and held off Kyle Larson to win the Pocono 400.

    “I just wanted to send a message to Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “That message is this: I am a big dog, and I plan on staying on the porch. Also, they should get used to their ‘noses’ in my ‘rear end.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Pocono, recording his eleventh top 10 of the year.

    “It was an uneventful day for the most part at Pocono,” Logano said. “And therein lies the problem with attendance at NASCAR: races are so boring, fans are ‘un-eventing‘ them.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took fifth at Pocono, recording his fourth top-five result of the season.

    “Dr. Henry Bock passed away recently,” Keselowski said. “He played a huge role in the creation of the SAFER barrier. I’m sure Dr. Bock will be in heaven, and when it’s my time, I, like many who have been protected by the SAFER barrier, hope to ‘run into him’ up there.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch started sixth and finished 19th at Pocono.

    “How about the GM executive who wrecked the pace car at the Detroit Grand Prix?” Busch said. “The crash left a field of debris, leading some to say he needed to ‘pick up the pace.’ But let’s give the man a break. He’s a big-time company big shot, not a race car driver. And I’m sure to be an executive in such a position, it takes a certain amount of ‘drive.’ He just didn’t have it in Detroit.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led his first laps of the season at Pocono and came home eighth at Long Pond’s tri-oval.

    “That’s right,” Johnson said, “I led two laps. That’s two more than the pace car at the Detroit Grand Prix.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Pocono as his quest to chase down Martin Truex Jr. in the closing laps failed. Larson is ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 199 behind Kyle Busch.

    “Truex just had too much car,” Larson said. “But I should have executed better on that final restart. But I can forgive myself because I have the absolute right to pardon myself.”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole at Pocono and raced to a sixth-place finish.

    “As pole-sitter,” Blaney said, “let me be the first to commend the pace car driver for a job well done. Like he was supposed to, he led the field to green, as opposed to leading the field to yellow, which was the case at the Indy Car Detroit Grand Prix. I guess it could have been worse. The last time an ‘Indy-ana pacer’ lost control in Detroit, you had the ‘Malice In The Palace.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 20th at Pocono and now sits sixth in the points standings, 171 out of first.

    “I’ve never been involved in a race in which the pace car wrecked,” Bowyer said. “I have, however, been involved in a race in which there was a mysterious spin.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Charlotte and led 377 of 400 laps on his way to the win in the Coca-Cola 600. With the victory, Busch became the first driver to win a points race at every track on the NASCAR schedule.

    “We haven’t seen this level of domination in this sport,” Busch said, “since Kevin Harvick’s last win.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick smashed the wall on lap 83 at Charlotte and finished 40th.

    “Walls are unforgiving,” Harvick said, “and so is the inspection line. I failed pre-qualifying inspection three times. But that’s okay. We’ll be fine. You know, there’s a saying in NASCAR that I like to live by: ‘Fail inspection, live to cheat another day.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Charlotte, posting his eighth top five of the year.

    “I visited the White House last week to celebrate my 2017 championship,” Truex said. “President Donald Trump was so impressed by my accomplishments, he offered me a cabinet position as Secretary of Transportation. I was grateful for the offer, but I had to turn it down because I think I’m overqualified.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started second and finished 22nd at Charlotte. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 67 behind Kyle Busch.

    “Kyle was out of this world,” Logano said. “He led a whopping 377 of 400 laps. It’s probably the only example of great leadership Kyle’s displayed in his career.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led two laps and finished fourth in the Coca-Cola 600.

    “The way it looks now,” Keselowski said, “the battle for the Monster Energy Cup championship will be a two-man battle between Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick. Personally, I’m not ready to concede that. In the words of the great Tom Richmond, ‘I’d like to make it a threesome.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Charlotte and posted the best finish among Stewart-Haas Racing drivers.

    “Tony Stewart was spotted at the Monaco Grand Prix,” Busch said. “Everybody knows Tony can be very ornery on occasion. I imagine if he would have driven in Formula 1, he would have been known as the ‘Grand Prick’ of Grand Prix racing.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin came home third at Charlotte as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch claimed a dominant victory.

    “On the greatest day of racing of the year,” Hamlin said, “Kyle was incredible. Australians Daniel Ricciardo and Will Power won at Monaco and Indianapolis, while Kyle put 39 other drivers ‘down under’ his name in the race results.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson survived a Stage 3 spin and drove to a seventh-place finish at Charlotte.

    “Kyle Busch totally dominated that race,” Larson said. “He led almost every lap. Heck, instead of the ‘Coca-Cola 600,’ they could have named in the ‘Kyle Busch 600.’ Or better yet, the ‘Monotony 600.’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney’s engine blew with 22 laps to go in Stage 3, sending his No. 12 car ablaze. He finished 36th.

    “I wasn’t the only driver ‘on fire’ at Charlotte,” Blaney said. “Kyle Busch dominated qualifying and the race. Funny thing is, the only ones that got burned were fans who came to see an exciting race.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 12th at Charlotte and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “As you know,” Bowyer said, “Tony Stewart was in Monaco for the Formula 1 race. There was a time when Tony entertained the idea of racing in Formula 1, but he quickly decided against when he got stuck in the cockpit.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Kansas and passed Martin Truex Jr. with a lap to go to take the KC Masterpiece 400, his fifth win of the year.

    “I narrowly missed being collected in the lap 253 crash,” Harvick said. “Combine that good fortune with the elation of my fifth win, and my nickname becomes ‘Happy-Go-Lucky.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 10th at Kansas, posting his ninth top 10 of the season.

    “I thought my three wins this year were impressive,” Busch said. “But Kevin Harvick’s five victories puts mine to shame. And then he has the audacity to troll me with ‘Busch’ sponsorship on his car.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the KC Masterpiece 400 at Kansas, recording his fifth top-five result of the year.

    “Matt Kenseth is back,” Logano said. “Luckily for me, he wasn’t back with a vengeance. But let’s face it, Matt’s not the most intimidating driver. He doesn’t scare anyone unless it’s me on the track at Martinsville or Brad Keselowski between the haulers at Charlotte.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Kansas as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick scored his fifth win of the season. Busch is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 110 out of first.

    “Harvick has been dominant on 1.5-mile tracks,” Busch said. “He’s a master of the 1-½ mile oval. He’s driving circles around everyone, including the tracks.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 15th at Kansas and is now sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 117 out of first.

    “It’s amazing what Kevin Harvick is doing this year,” Bowyer said. “He’s obviously the clear favorite to win the Monster Energy Cup championship. Sixteen drivers qualify for the postseason; 15 of those will be in the ‘Chase.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th at Kansas.

    “Personally,” Keselowski said, “I couldn’t care less if the France family sells NASCAR. We all know Brian France can be bought; I’m sure he can be sold, as well.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Kansas, leading a race-high 101 laps on the way to his fourth top five of the season.

    “We overcame our share of adversity,” Larson said. “First, I had to start near the back of the field, then I made contact with Ryan Blaney late in the race. But those are nothing compared to the toughest adversity we face each week, and that’s post-race inspection.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney held off Kevin Harvick to win the first stage at Kansas, but made contact with Kyle Larson with 20 laps to go and suffered a blown right front tire. He finished 37th.

    “I was just a little too aggressive,” Blaney said. “I was trying to side draft Larson and I just got sucked into him. Larson would certainly agree with my assessment, especially the ‘sucked’ part.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fifth in the KC Masterpiece 400, posting his fifth top five of the year.

    “Did you see Alex Bowman blow a tire with 30 laps to go?” Hamlin said. “We haven’t seen sparks fly like that since Ricky Stenhouse Jr. and Danica Patrick met.”

    10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Truex gambled on a late caution, staying out while most of the leaders pitted for tires, and nearly held off Kevin Harvick for the win at Kansas. But Truex succumbed to Harvick on the final lap and the driver of the No. 78 Toyota settled for second.

    “I think night races appeal to everyone,” Truex said. “Newer fans like it because of the spectacle, and most of the traditional fans like it because it’s the closest thing to ‘moonshine’ this sport gets anymore.”

    10. (tie)Jimmie Johnson: Johnson struggled to a 19th-place finish at Kansas, his first result outside the top 12 since April 8th at Texas.

    “I had one teammate’s car sending out a shower of sparks,” Johnson said, “and another ended up in flames. Since I’ve stopped winning Cup championships, the only glory Hendrick Motorsports sees now comes in blazes.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second and dominated at Dover, taking both stage wins and cruising to the victory in the AAA 400, his fourth win of the year.

    “I felt invincible out there,” Harvick said. “That’s in stark contrast to the fans at Dover, who were invisible out there.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch blew the engine of the No. 18 Pedigree Toyota with 130 laps to go at Dover, and suffered his worst finish of the season, a 35th.

    “I knew the car wasn’t running right,” Busch said. “The, all of a sudden, ‘Kaboom!’ Or more like, ‘Ky-boom!’

    “I left the drive shaft laying on the track, and I was done. So I said ‘Piece out.’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished 13th at Dover and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 22 behind Kyle Busch.

    “The France family is exploring the possibility of selling NASCAR,” Logano said. “It’s a tough sell. Viewership is down, fans aren’t buying tickets, and sponsors are leaving in droves. That’s why the France’s have offered an affordable price that comes with ‘no interest.’”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished second in the AAA 400, as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick took the win handily.

    “I was leading the race when the rains came with 80 laps to go,” Bowyer said. “It was a short rain, and therefore a short reign.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 108 laps and finished sixth at Dover, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

    “Kevin Harvick looked great out there,” Keselowski said. “Heck, he even looked great in his driver’s suit. You could say he won in ‘convincing fashion.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth at Dover on a strong day for Stewart-Haas Racing, as Kevin Harvick won and Clint Bowyer took second. Busch is sixth in the points standings, 108 out of first.

    “SHR is dominating,” Busch said. “And Tony Stewart is loving it. The team, and Harvick in particular, have delivered this year. That’s what Tony demands. He refuses to settle for anything other than the best, and the occasional lawsuit.”

    7. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at Dover, while his three Stewart Haas Racing teammates placed in the top five, with Kevin Harvick winning.

    “It was a blast celebrating in Victory Lane with the team,” Almirola said. “To signify Harvick’s fourth win this season, we held up four fingers. As fingers go, I guess I’m the fourth one on this team. The other three fingers are the middle ones of Harvick, Clint Bowyer, and Kurt Busch.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Dover, and is now seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 120 out of first.

    “A JP Motorsports crew member broke the jaw of one of the team’s co-owners,” Blaney said. “I know sponsors are hesitant about investing in NASCAR now, but it seems to be the perfect time for a certain large hard candy to advertise.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Dover and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Kyle Busch had some troubles,” Hamlin said, “but Daniel Suarez finished third, tying his career-best finish on an oval. Daniel is from Mexico and may be the key to bringing a new segment of fans to the sport. The marketing possibilities are endless, and the likelihood of a fanatic fan base looms. Can you imagine a famous Mexican beer coupled with a legion of adoring fans? It’s not the ‘Nation Of Earnhardt’ It would be the ‘Corona-tion Of Suarez.’”

    10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a flat tire during Stage 1, but charged back to post a fourth-place finish at Dover.

    “Xfinity Series driver Spencer Gallagher failed a drug test,” Truex said. “He was suspended indefinitely, but showed up for Xfinity testing at Charlotte anyway; he was told to leave. So, he went from ‘testing positive’ to ‘testing negative.’”

    10. (tie) Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth at Dover, scoring his third top-10 finish in the last four races.

    “I’m still looking for my first win this season,” Johnson said. “It seems to be hard to find. I guess it’s a matter of finding championship form or continuing to rely on my ‘championship former.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch, seeking his fourth consecutive victory, finished 13th in the Geico 500 at Talladega, and remained atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I’ll have to ask my brother Kurt a question,” Busch said. “How do you not win at Talladega when you’re running second with a teammate right behind you? Come on. In that situation, you’ve got to partner up and make the pass for the win. Heck. I’ve seen better teamwork at Red Bull Racing in Formula 1.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Talladega and finished fourth at Talladega.

    “I couldn’t quite make it to the front,” Harvick said. “At Talladega, it’s all about the draft. Of course, having a flannel paint scheme can’t be conducive to aerodynamics.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano snapped a 36-race winless streak with the win at Talladega, leading the final 40 laps while holding off Kevin Harvick and Kurt Busch.

    “I finally got the monkey off my back,” Logano said. “So, I guess you could call this an unencumbered win.

    “Matt Kenseth is returning to NASCAR in 2018. Of course, he’s still finalizing details of his contract with Roush Fenway Racing. That really concerned me, because the last time Matt said he had some ‘unfinished business,’ it meant big trouble for me.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer was collected in the second of two big crashes late at Talladega and finished 31st.

    “It really sucks to have your day ended through no fault of your own,” Bowyer said. “And it makes me mad. I can certainly relate to what Indy Car driver James Hinchcliffe recently discussed because I know what it’s like to be ‘pissed in a race car.’”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 1 at Talladega, but was collected in a late pile-up triggered by contact between Hendrick Motorsports teammates Jimmie Johnson and William Byron. Keselowski finished 33rd.

    “Had we stayed in the race,” Keselowski said, “we could have done some damage. Unfortunately, the damage was done to me.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started 23rd and finished 18th at Talladega, and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Attendance at Talladega was great,” Blaney said. “No matter where you view the race, there’s not a bad seat in the house. But the best seat is in one of the luxury boxes set high above the start/finish line. They’re called ‘Suite Home Alabama.’”

    7. Denny Hamlin: After racing up front for most of the day at Talladega, Hamlin suffered two late speeding penalties and fell to 14th. He is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 133 out of first.

    “I was penalized for speeding while trying to serve my penalty for speeding,” Hamlin said. “And I lost my cool a little bit. Maybe I need a figure of authority to control me, like a ‘governor,’ for example.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 26th at Talladega, four laps off the lead lap.

    “Auburn coach Gus Malzahn served as Grand Marshall for the race,” Truex said. “That made about half the race crowd happy. I imagine in order to please the whole crowd, Judge Roy Moore would have to give the command to fire the motors. I’m not sure he could handle the duty. He’d probably just say ‘Ladies, start my engine.’”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola took seventh in the Geico 500 on a solid day for Stewart-Haas Racing, as teammates Kurt Busch and Kevin Harvick finished second and fourth, respectively.

    “Busch or Harvick should have won that race,” Almirola said. “Kurt made his move too early, and Kevin wasn’t ready. That really threw a wrench into Harvick’s plans on winning, as well as his balls.”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th in the Geico 500.

    “I was the cause of one of Sunday’s ‘Big Ones,’” Johnson said. “That wreck took out a lot of cars. But you know what they say: ‘If it’s ‘plate’ racing, somebody’s bound to get ‘forked.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch controlled two late restarts and cruised to the win in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond, capturing his third consecutive win.

    “Anything Kevin Harvick can do,” Busch said, “I can do just as well, like be one of the most disliked drivers in NASCAR. But it certainly didn’t look like I was disliked when I went into the stands to slap hands with my fans. It seemed like every fan there came down to greet me. And judging by race attendance, maybe they did.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led eight laps and finished fifth at Richmond, recording his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “We were hurt by a pit road penalty,” Harvick said, “when one of my crew members tossed a track bar wrench over the pit wall. It hit another crewman right in the groin. It not only hit him, it ‘scrote’im’ as well.

    3. Joey Logano: Logano won the first two stages and finished fourth at Richmond, and has posted top-10 finishes in all but one race this season.

    “There was very little action for most of this race,” Logano said. “About the only notable occurrence was a crew member of Kevin Harvick’s team getting hit in the balls with a wrench. Harvicks’s team was penalized, while the crew member was ‘penile-ized.’”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished ninth at Richmond, posting his fourth consecutive top-10 finish.

    “I can’t wait to drive a Ford Mustang next year,” Bowyer said. “And if my car owner tells me to ‘take it for a spin,’ you know I’ll do it.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Richmond, and was running second late before a slow pit stop cost him seven positions.

    “We had a problem with the jack,” Truex said. “It was a real ‘let down.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started 28th and finished eighth in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

    “The day belonged to Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said, “and he celebrated accordingly. Kyle went into the stands to celebrate with the fans. They seemed to be just as excited as he was. Honestly, I think the fans just want to touch Kyle. I can certainly relate. I’m just one, of certainly many, drivers who either want a piece of Kyle or can’t wait to get their hands on him.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson came home seventh in the Toyota Owners 400.

    “My Ganassi Racing teammate Jamie McMurray bumped me under caution for some reason,” Larson said. “And I have no idea why. I’m not sure what Jamie’s problem is, although I’d guess it has something to do with jealousy. It’s probably the fact that his car is No. 1, but he, in fact, is No. 2.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected in Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s spin late at Richmond and limped home for a 22nd-place finish.

    “In years past,” Blaney said, “the Richmond race has been run in the daytime. It doesn’t appear that racing at night made a real difference in attendance. So, as far as the actual running of the race, the difference was night and day. Not so much for attendance, though.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Richmond and is sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 129 behind Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch.

    “Kyle is racing with a ton of confidence,” Hamlin said. “He’s so confident, he went into the stands after the race to celebrate with fans. I don’t think Joe Gibbs was happy about that, given Kyle’s history as Richmond. Joe’s ordered Kyle never to go into those bleachers with the people again, by telling Kyle the fans ‘can’t stand you.’”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson came home sixth at Richmond, posting his second straight top-10 result.

    “We struggled to start the season,” Johnson said, “but we seem to be on to something. And that’s reason to celebrate. And that tells you the state of this team, from winning seven Cup championships at will to struggling for top 10’s. Our standards now are low, whereas they used to be Lowe’s.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch overtook Kyle Larson late to win the Food City 500, which concluded on Monday due to weather delays. Busch led 200 laps and picked up his second consecutive win.

    “Brad Keselowski’s spin with 30 laps to go helped me win the race,” Busch said. “But if he thinks I owe him gratitude, he can kiss it where the sun don’t shine, which is my ass, or Bristol on Sunday and Monday.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Bristol, posting his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “The race at Bristol took 26 hours to complete,” Harvick said. “Other races this year have only felt like they lasted that long.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected in a lap 117 crash and finished 35th at Bristol.

    “There was a lot of green and yellow seen during Sunday and Monday,” Blaney said. “I’m not even talking about flags; I’m talking about the weather radar.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Food City 500, posting his seventh top 10 finish of the season.

    “We spent Sunday and Monday looking up to the skies,” Logano said. “The heavens opened up, and the few fans left said ‘What the hell are we doing here?’”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished eighth at Bristol and is now fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Bristol Motor Speedway allowed school-aged children free admission to Monday’s race,” Bowyer said. “And there were quite a number of kids that showed up, thus making the crowd the most educated in NASCAR history.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was involved in an early crash at Bristol, suffering damage that led to an eventual 30th-place finish.

    “You probably saw me circling the track with no hood on my car,” Truex said. “That’s never good for speed, but I can assure you I was running ‘wide-open.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stages 1 and 2, but spun with 30 laps to go and hit the wall.

    “That spin cost me a top-10 finish,” Keselowski said, “and likely gave Kyle Busch the win. That’s a brutal double whammy comparable only to what Kyle and Kurt Busch’s parents experienced.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 200 laps at Bristol, but fell short to Kyle Busch’s fresh tires. Larson finished second and is ninth in the points standings, 116 out of first.

    “Brad Keselowski’s accident was the break Kyle Busch and the No. 18 Skittles car needed,” Larson said. “If that doesn’t happen, I win. Victory was so close, I could taste it. All of a sudden, victory was so far away, I could taste the rainbow.”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola started 19th and finished sixth at in the Food City 500.

    “NASCAR-issued pit guns are still an issue,” Almirola said. “Denny Hamlin, among others, said these pit guns are accurate in only one instance—-shooting yourself in the foot.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 14th after a loose wheel cost him any chance of winning.

    “I place the blame squarely on these crappy pit guns NASCAR forces us to us,” Hamlin said. “And it probably cost me the win, which is not the first time I’ve had a problem with them. Personally, ‘I’m tired of getting screwed,’ which is one thing you’ll never hear a securely tightened lug nut say.”