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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second and sported the best car for much of the day. But two pit road incidents, a loose lug nut and a penalty for too many crewmen over the wall, cost him the win. He still finished second and is fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “We obviously were the best car out there,” Harvick said, “but we had to settle for second. That’s frustrating. I don’t like settling any more than Tony Stewart does, but sometimes settling is the best course of action.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch took advantage of two Kevin Harvick pit road mishaps, capitalizing to take the win in the O’Reilly Auto Part 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. It was Busch’s first win of the year.

    “I figuratively threw a wrench into Harvick’s victory aspirations,” Busch said, “while NASCAR literally threw a wrench there.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Texas and holds the third spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Texas was less about competitive racing,” Blaney said, “and more about an uncontrollable tire. I think it’s great for the sport, though. NASCAR hasn’t been blessed with something this round and with a mind of its own since Jimmy Spencer.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex slammed the wall on Lap 80, leaving the No. 78 Toyota significantly damaged. Truex finished 37th, 254 laps down.

    “What made a greater impact?” Truex said. “Me hitting the wall, or Kevin Harvick’s car chief’s and a NASCAR official’s two fists bumping? Are Harvick and NASCAR ‘in bed’ together? If they are, I guess that means they’d be ‘bumping uglies.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Texas, posting his sixth top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 38 behind Kyle Busch.

    “NASCAR didn’t penalize Kevin Harvick for an uncontrollable tire on their final green flag pit stop,” Logano said. “Is NASCAR playing favorites? When Harvick’s crew chief Robert Smith found out there would be no penalty, he fist bumped a NASCAR official. That shouldn’t happen. This is NASCAR; the only thing bumping into a fist should be Kurt Busch’s face.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s day at Texas ended abruptly when he was collected in a Lap 178 crash triggered by contact between Aric Almirola and Denny Hamlin. Keselowski finished 33rd.

    “That’s ‘Aric’ with an ‘A,’” Keselowski said, “and ‘Hamlin’ with an ‘H.’ Much like ‘All’ with an ‘A’ and ‘Hell’ with an ‘H.’”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer started third and finished ninth, earning his fourth top 10 of the season.

    “It was a good day for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Bowyer said. “Especially Kevin Harvick. I think it’s clear he has the best car this year. So there are about 39 other cars trailing him. In addition, NASCAR officials are ‘behind’ him, too.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson cut a tire on Lap 126 and slammed the wall hard, ending his day at Texas. He finished 36th and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Even before my crash,” Larson said, “I knew it was going to be a tough day. My No. 42 car failed pre-race inspection three times. I had to start at the rear of the field, and my crew chief David Bryant was ejected. As you know, they don’t hold back on penalties in Texas, and that includes more than just the death penalty.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch won the pole at Texas and finished seventh in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500, as three Stewart-Haas Racing cars finished in the top 10.

    “SHR cars also took the top three spots in qualifying,” Busch said. “And Kevin Harvick already has three wins in only seven races. We’re dominating. Everyone is saying Stewart-Haas is the favorite, most notably NASCAR officials.”

    10. Erik Jones: Jones led 64 laps and finished fifth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500.

    “It’s good to see O’Reilly sponsoring a race,” Jones said. “This sport needs all the Irish it can get. And if it’s not Conor McGregor tossing hand trucks through windows, then I guess we’ll have to settle for O’Reilly Auto Parts.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the STP 500, posting his fourth top five of the year.

    “If there’s one thing we learned at Martinsville,” Harvick said, “it’s that Clint Bowyer loves beer. And he really wanted a beer after the race, but he didn’t have one. So, Clint had a ‘drinking problem.’ And that’s why fans love Clint Bowyer because he’s just like them.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Martinsville and is still winless on the year. However, Busch took over the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Did you see the Stormy Daniels’ interview on 60 Minutes?” Busch said. “I didn’t. I just chalked it up to another missed interview.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took fourth in the STP 500 at Martinsville and is second in the points standings, eight out of first.

    “Stewart-Haas Racing looks like a powerhouse team right now,” Truex said. “Does their performance have something to do with the absence of Tony Stewart? Many think so. It seems that once you get rid of the ‘mo fo,’ you get your ‘mo jo.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano took sixth at Martinsville for his fifth top five of the season.

    “The race was postponed until Monday because of snow,” Logano said. “If Tim Richmond were alive to see a race delayed because of a white powder, he would no doubt have said, ‘That blows.’”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started fourth and finished 10th at Martinsville.

    “It’s not often you can look into the stands at Martinsville and see snow,” Keselowski said. “Actually, that’s not true. You can look into the stands anytime and see all-white.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led 215 laps and won at Martinsville, snapping a 190-race winless streak.

    “Did you see my victory burnout,” Bowyer said. “It’s great to be able to intentionally spin and not be penalized.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 16th at Martinsville and is now ninth in the Monster Energy points standings, 61 out of first.

    “I’m curious as to what Clint Bowyer is going to do with his grandfather clock,” Larson said. “I imagine that anytime that clock strikes ’12,’ it’s going to be ‘beer o’clock’ for him.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 145 laps and finished third at Martinsville.

    “Martinsville is famous for its hot dogs,” Blaney said. “I’m guessing that at November’s NASCAR awards banquet, the Martinsville hot dog will win the award for ‘Weiner Of The Year,’ edging out Austin Dillon and Joey Logano.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Martinsville and finished 12th in the STP 500.

    “I had a spirited battle with Kevin Harvick in the closing laps,” Hamlin said. “He had bumped me earlier, so I was just returning the favor. Then he brake-checked me. Now, I’m pissed. But I don’t think Harvick wants any part of me. How do I know? Because he told me to meet him in Victory Lane, and he knows I probably won’t be there.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th at Martinsville, as all four Stewart-Haas Racing cars finished in the top 14.

    “My brother Kyle has three runner-up finishes this year,” Busch said, “but not a single victory. And he’s so frustrated. So, just to antagonize him this Sunday, I’m gonna dress as the Easter Bunny, tell Kyle to look in the win column, and see if he can find the ‘goose eggs.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s three-race win streak was halted at Fontana after contact with Kyle Larson on lap 37 sent Harvick into the wall. He finished 35th.

    “I blamed Kyle,” Harvick said. “That is, until I realized it was Kyle Larson that I hit and not Kyle Busch. Had it been Busch, you can best believe it would have been a case of ‘He said, he said, DeLana tweeted.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch took third in the Auto Club 400, posting his third consecutive top-five result. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, nine out of first.

    “I’ve yet to win this year,” Busch said, “and it’s very frustrating. I want to win so badly, mostly because I’ll be able to say to slower cars, ‘Catch me if you can,’ which is also what I say to Fox reporters.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was the class of the field at Fontana, leading 125 laps in winning from the pole for his first win of the season.

    “I won by nearly 12 seconds,” Truex said. “12 ‘seconds’ hasn’t meant this much in NASCAR since the days of Mark Martin falling just short every year.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Auto Club 400 after winning the Xfinity Series race on Saturday.

    “You may have seen me hanging with Ice Cube before the race,” Logano said. “I feel like my street cred just went up several notches. So, I no longer want to be known as ‘Sliced Bread.’ In the future, please refer to me as ‘Corn Bread.’”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home fourth in the Auto Club 400, recording his second top five of the season. He is fourth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

    “I hear Kyle Busch was complaining about not being interviewed,” Keselowski said. “When asked about it in a later interview, he said, ‘No comment.’”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second in the Auto Club 400, posting his second top five of the season.

    “I finished over 11 seconds behind Martin Truex Jr.,” Larson said. “I made history, as the first driver to turn that much clean air into just a second-place finish.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Fontana.

    “Attendance was awful on Sunday,” Blaney said. “That’s surprising because one would think speeds approaching 190 miles per hour would be a big attraction. Unfortunately, in NASCAR, one thing not going fast are tickets.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin posted his fourth top-10 finish of the year with a sixth in the Auto Club 400.

    “It’s not a whole lot of fun racing in front of empty stands,” Hamlin said. “I think most fans were home watching NCAA basketball. At least fans know there will be passing there.”

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th at Fontana and is ninth in the points standings, 61 out of first.

    “NASCAR definitely has an attendance problem,” Bowyer said. “And it’s getting worse because the fans actually in attendance are dying of boredom.”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 12th at Fontana in the No. 43 Richard Petty Motorsports Ford.

    “We weren’t that far from Hollywood,” Almirola said, “so you probably noticed a few movie stars in attendance. To be honest, NASCAR doesn’t need movie stars; this sport needs directors. Maybe if they say ‘Action!’ there will actually be some.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick corralled his third consecutive win, dashing to the win in the Ticket Guardian 500 at Phoenix.

    “I was showing three fingers out of my side window for the fans in the stands,” Harvick said, “and one finger out of my rear window for NASCAR officials in the inspection area.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second to Kevin Harvick for the second week in a row and now sits second in the points standings.

    “I was trying my darndest to get to Harvick’s rear bumper,” Busch said. “Not because I wanted to pass him; I just wanted to get a really good look at his rear windshield.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and finished fifth at Phoenix, scoring his third top five of the year.

    “Right now,” Truex said, “Toyota is just trying to keep up with Ford and Kevin Harvick. Is Harvick’s team hiding something that may be illegal? It’s possible. So, instead of focusing on the rear window, maybe NASCAR officials should try checking the ‘back door.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished 19th, one lap off the pace, in the TicketGuardian 500 at Phoenix. He is now fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 16 out of first.

    “Kevin Harvick’s dominance surely can’t be good for television ratings,” Logano said. “Heck, I know at least 38 people that are sick of watching this, and they’re all pretty involved in the sport.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 16th at Phoenix.

    “I guess I can’t fault NASCAR for penalizing Kevin Harvick for rear windshield violations,” Blaney said. “Harvick lost 20 points from the overall championship standings and seven playoff points. NASCAR took one look at Harvick’s rear window and said, “Hindsight is 20-7.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Phoenix and is sixth in the points standings, 34 out of first.

    “All the talk last week at Las Vegas was about Kevin Harvick and his rear windshield,” Keselowski said. “Many feel it akin to a remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rear Window.’ Personally, with Vegas being the home of the Busch brothers, I thought the applicable Hitchcock movie would have been ‘Psycho.’

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson started second at Phoenix and struggled to an 18th-place finish.

    “There were a lot of empty seats at Phoenix International Raceway,” Larson said. “NASCAR claims the action will get fans ‘out of their seats,’ and I guess they’re right.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth at Phoenix.

    “Kevin Harvick was just too good,” Hamlin said. “After the race, he called out ‘all the haters.’ Well, that must mean all of us, because everybody hates Kevin Harvick.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch won Stage 2 at Phoenix and finished 10th. He is 10th in the points standings, 51 out of first.

    “I agree with my teammate Kevin Harvick,” Busch said. “NASCAR is overstepping their boundaries by penalizing him. NASCAR officials looked at Kevin’s rear windshield and proclaimed it a ‘sight to behold,’ whereas Kevin says they looked at it and he declared it a ‘sight to b-holes.’”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished sixth at Phoenix, posting his second top-10 finish of the season.

    “If not for social media,” Bowyer said, “Kevin Harvick probably wouldn’t have been penalized for his rear windshield violation at Las Vegas. And that really pissed Harvick off. Ironically, he’s the one going ‘post-al.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was clearly the class of the field at Las Vegas, winning Stages 1 and 2 and leading 214 laps in winning the Pennzoil 400, his second consecutive victory.

    “I was untouchable,” Harvick said. “The field didn’t have anything for me, except inferiority. And I’ve led 395 of 592 laps over the last two races, which should give me the award for ‘best lead actor in a series.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the Pennzoil 400, as Penske Racing placed two drivers in the top 10.

    “Harvick’s No. 4 Jimmy Johns Ford was indeed ‘Freaky Fast,’” Keselowski said. “He was like Superman out there. And the NRA claims he was faster than a speeding bullet.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano led 25 laps and finished seventh in the Pennzoil 400.

    “Kevin Harvick’s dominance made for a very boring race,” Logano said. ‘In the place often called the ‘City That Never Sleeps,’ it was the ‘Race That Put You to Sleep.’”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole and finished fifth at Las Vegas.

    “Kevin Harvick drove with surgical precision,” Blaney said. “In other words, he put on a clinic out there.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished third at Las Vegas, posting his second consecutive top-10 result. He jumped eight places in the points standings to fifth, where he trails Kevin Harvick by 31 points.

    “NASCAR viewership is down from last year,” Larson said. “Not many people are watching. So, if you gave viewership a letter grade, it would be a ‘See minus.’”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex posted his second straight top five with a fourth in the Pennzoil 400.

    “Las Vegas is a playoff track this year,” Truex said. “So, we made observations, took notes, and came to the conclusion that Kevin Harvick has advanced to the second round of the Chase For The Cup.”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in the Pennzoil 400 and is now tied for fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 104 out of first.

    “Nothing sucks more than losing to Kevin Harvick,” Busch said. “Except losing to Harvick badly. Brad Keselowski would call Harvick beating me in such fashion an ‘ass whupping.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Las Vegas and is now eighth in the points standings, 38 out of first.

    “Okay,” Hamlin said, “so maybe saying 70 percent of NASCAR drivers are taking Adderall is a bit much. But that won’t stop me from saying that 100 percent of drivers in Vegas are on something because they’re all ‘high rollers.’”

    9. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished 13th at Las Vegas and is 10th in the points standings.

    “This race was nowhere near as exciting as my Daytona 500 win,” Dillon said. “Both myself and my Richard Childress Racing teammate Ryan Newman finished a lap down to Kevin Harvick. It appears that, once again, Harvick has left RCR in the dust.”

    10. Paul Menard: Menard started 12th and finished ninth at Las Vegas.

    “What’s up with Jimmie Johnson?” Menard said. “He’s struggling. At this rate, he’s going to end his career with only seven Cup championships.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated at Atlanta, leading 181 laps and winning Stage 1 on his way to the win in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “I just dominated a race,” Harvick said, “yet all I hear in NASCAR circles is talk of the Denny Hamlin-Bubba Wallace feud. I should be the one they’re talking about. Luckily, the use of Adderall is rampant in NASCAR, so I should be able to treat my ‘attention deficit disorder.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 26 laps and finished fourth at Atlanta.

    “Harvick was unbeatable,” Hamlin said. “From the start, it was clear he was going to win. You could say Harvick’s chances were a slam dunk.

    “And speaking of basketball, Darrell Wallace Jr. is out of my basketball and golf leagues, which, collectively, are known as ‘The Fores And Fives.’ We’ll survive. Darrell wasn’t much of a golfer anyway. As I said after Daytona, ‘His driving sucks.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Atlanta to Kevin Harvick, who dominated the weekend at the

    “Fords took the top 3 spots,” Keselowski said, “and I couldn’t be happier. Last year, I complained when Toyota was dominating. Well, turnabout is fair play, and it’s time to celebrate with a cold beverage. No, not Miller Lite, but some wine, because everybody knows ‘wine-ing’ in NASCAR gets things done.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano took sixth at Atlanta to go along with his fourth at Daytona and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “This Denny Hamlin-Bubba Wallace feud has taken on a life of its own,” Logano said. “First, it’s about Adderall. Now, Wallace has been kicked out of Hamlin’s basketball and golf leagues. I propose they both be ejected from any and all debate leagues because this is the dumbest argument in the history of NASCAR.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 12th at Atlanta and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “The threat of rain was imminent over the duration of the race,” Blaney said, “and was also the most exciting aspect of the race.”

    6. Austin Dillon: The Daytona 500 winner finished 14th at Atlanta and is currently sixth in the points standings, 19 out of first.

    “I considered getting a ‘Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500: 14th Place’ tattoo on my butt,” Dillon said, “on a day when clouds filled the sky. But I came to my senses, and decided against getting a tattoo where the sun don’t shine.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer’s strong start to the season continued with a third in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “The NRA is scheduled to sponsor the Bristol night race in August,” Bowyer said. “Maybe by then, we’ll have this issue with pit guns solved. A lot of teams had an issue with pit guns at Atlanta. And that has a lot of people triggered.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home fifth at Atlanta.

    “The No. 78 Toyota failed inspection three times before qualifying on Friday,” Truex said. “There hasn’t been such a level of failure in NASCAR since Jimmy Spencer took a physical back in 2001.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Atlanta and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 21 out of first.

    “Jeff Gordon said he’d be open to racing in the truck series at Martinsville,” Busch said. “That’s big news, for NASCAR, for Martinsville, and for Denny Hamlin, whose ‘pickup’ game is currently one person short.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch led the way for Joe Gibbs Racing at Atlanta with a seventh in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “Austin Dillon and Kevin Harvick have the first two wins of the year,” Busch said. “So I guess the story so far this year revolves around two asses.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Austin Dillon: Dillon overtook Aric Almirola on Turn 3 of the final lap and captured the Daytona 500 in the No. 3 car made famous by the legendary Dale Earnhardt Sr.

    “I got a tattoo of the Daytona 500 logo and the word ‘champ’ on my backside,” Dillon said. “I’ve always wanted a tattoo but was afraid of getting one. I guess you could say I finally ‘cracked.’

    “While I’m at it, I may get another tattoo that says ‘Richard Childress Racing’ on my lower back. Would that be called a ‘gramp stamp?’”

    2. Darrell Wallace Jr.: Wallace, in his first start for Richard Petty Motorsports in the No. 43 car, took second at Daytona.

    “Denny Hamlin and I made contact crossing the finish line,” Wallace said, “and I was a little unhappy about it. So I made a crack about Adderall, which is “A Denny Hamlin Dis.” So maybe I need to be treated for ‘ADHD.’”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started strong at Daytona, qualifying second and leading the first 10 laps. But a one-lap penalty for missing his pit box put him way back in the field before he charged back.

    “It was a very exciting race,” Hamlin said. “It got everybody’s blood pumping. I guess you could call this year’s Daytona 500 a ‘stimulant.’

    “Okay, I think that’s enough talk about Adderall for the time being. It seems we’ve reached the ‘speed’ limit.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started fifth and finished fourth in the Daytona 500, giving Ford its top finish.

    “I felt confident from the get-go,” Logano said. “Mostly because Matt Kenseth was not in the race, but also because the car was fast.

    “Kudos to the Navy Band Southeast for their wonderful rendition of the ‘Star Spangled Banner.’ Fergie should follow their example of the national anthem and not sing it.”

    5. Chris Buescher: Buescher survived the carnage at Daytona and left with a strong fifth in the 500.

    “Not many people know who I am,” Buescher said. “I’m not what you would call a ‘household name.’ My car, however, is a ‘household product,’ because I’m sponsored by Cottonelle. That’s an odd sponsor for a race car driver, because, of course, you don’t want to be ‘bringing up the rear.’”

    6. Paul Menard: Menard finished sixth at Daytona in the No. 21 Wood Brothers Racing Ford Fusion.

    “Michael Waltrip took his famous ‘Grid Walk’ before the race,” Menard said. “I think it’s good for everyone. Michael gets camera time, and people only have to speak with him for five seconds, which is the maximum anyone can tolerate. It’s a win-win.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led a race-high 118 laps and won Stage 2 on his way to a seventh-place finish in the Daytona 500.

    “I made news early this year when I got a haircut and shaved my mustache,” Blaney said. “That’s what’s known in the business as ‘race trim.’”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman started 13th and finished eighth in the Daytona 500.

    “Congratulations to Austin Dillon on his big win,” Newman said. “And congratulations to Darrell Wallace Jr., for his runner-up finish, and especially for not being related to Rusty.”

    9. Michael McDowell: McDowell finished ninth in the Daytona 500.

    “Some people take Adderall,” McDowell said, “and some people have tattoos. Some people are characterized by both. And to those Dale Jr. fans I say, ‘If you’re looking for a new favorite driver, I’m your man.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola had the lead on the final lap at Daytona before he blocked the hard-charging Austin Dillon, and the contact sent Almirola spinning and into the wall. He finished 11th, and took responsibility for the contact.

    “I knew Austin had a run on me,” Almirola said, “so I was just trying to block. I don’t blame him for hitting my bumper and sending me into the wall. You could say it was the first of two ‘tattooed backsides’ of the weekend.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led the final 51 laps at Homestead and held off Kyle Busch to capture the win at Homestead and his first Monster Energy Cup championship.

    “No offense to Joey Gase,” Truex said, “but nice guys don’t finish last, they finish first. I am a nice guy, and as champion, I reserve the right to be called ‘Mister Nice Guy.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Homestead to Martin Truex Jr., who got the jump on a lap 34 restart and kept Busch at bay for the remainder of the race.

    “That race was for all the marbles,” Busch said. “First of all, I wanted to win this race for myself, but I also wanted to win it for my brother Kurt, so I could give him some marbles because he lacks ‘all his marbles.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Homestead as Martin Truex, Jr. won the race to capture the Monster Energy Cup championship.

    “Lost in the shuffle of Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s retirement was Danica Patrick’s retirement,” Harvick said. “The only way Danica will be ‘Miss-ed’ is if Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. doesn’t marry her.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh at Homestead, falling short in his bid to win his second Cup championship.

    “I guess I predicted a Toyota championship,” Keselowski said. “I guess at the time I was trying to give ‘constructive criticism,’ but it turned into ‘constructors criticism.’”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Homestead, posting his 21st top 10 of the season.

    “I’m looking forward to a long offseason,” Elliott said. “I didn’t take long to erase Denny Hamlin from championship contention; it will take much longer to erase him from my memory.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Homestead and finished ninth.

    “Martin Truex Jr. has a rare quality among NASCAR champions,” Hamlin said. “He has absolutely no enemies. So, I can say for sure he’s friends with Chase Elliott.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished a disappointing 29th at Homestead and ended the year ninth in the Monster Energy points standings.

    “Homestead was my final race with Wood Brothers Racing,” Blaney said. “I’m moving on to Penske Racing in 2018. This bodes well for my bank account, but not for my love life, because my days with Wood are over.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished eighth in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

    “I’m not sure what I’ll be doing in retirement,” Kenseth said. “I am sure it won’t be anything with Carl Edwards.”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 27th at Homestead and completes the season 10th in the points standings.

    “With no chance to win the Cup,” Johnson said, “my mind was elsewhere for the duration of the entire race. I guess I was thinking of my seven Cup championships. When you’re Jimmie Johnson, reminiscing is an all day job.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 13th in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. celebrated his final race by sharing beers with his pit crew,” McMurray said. “As if NASCAR’s Most Popular Driver needed another reason for people to ‘say cheers.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Phoenix as the field of four was finalized for Homestead.

    “I think the consensus is that I’m the favorite to win the Cup,” Truex said. “I totally agree. I’m a big favorite of my odds to win because I like my chances.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh in the Can-Am 500, posting his 21st top 10 of the year.

    “Toyota’s have been the strongest cars all season,” Busch said. “And I don’t expect that to change at Homestead. Martin Truex Jr. and I have been dominating races all year with those powerful Japanese engines. You might as well call it ‘Murder On The Orient Express,’ in theaters now.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Phoenix.

    “And then there were four,” Harvick said. “Hopefully, on Sunday at Homestead, I’ll be saying ‘And then there was 4.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th and claimed the last of the four spots for the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “Luckily,” Keselowski said, “things went my way. Now, ‘my way’ is the highway from Phoenix to Homestead.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished second at Phoenix, just missing out on qualifying for the finale at Homestead.

    “I haven’t won a race all season,” Elliott said. “And that means I haven’t beaten anyone all year, so if you didn’t already know, that makes me no relation to Ezekiel Elliott.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was second in Stage 1 and won Stage 2 to put himself in position to advance as the final qualifier for Homestead. But Chase Elliott muscled Hamlin’s No. 11 into the wall with about 50 laps to go, causing a tire rub that resulted in a blown tire that crashed Hamlin out of the race. He finished 35th.

    “I guess we’re both a-holes for causing the other to miss qualifying for Homestead,” Hamlin said. “I guess that makes us even.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the pole at Phoenix and finished 17th in the Can-Am 500.

    “There appears to be a great feud brewing between Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott,” Blaney said. “Will it amount to anything? I doubt it. Not in this age of NASCAR. But I guess there is a chance for physical violence. A champion will be crowned, so there will be a celebration. And you can’t have a celebration without beverages. If that beverage is punch, then I’d say there’s a good chance that ‘punch is thrown.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth passed Chase Elliott with nine laps to go to win the Can-Am 500.

    “I can certainly understand Chase Elliott’s desire for revenge on Denny Hamlin,” Kenseth said. “I’ve been there, and in this sport, it happens a lot. So, for those of you who think NASCAR lacks enough female representation, just remember, payback’s a ‘bitch.’”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, needing a win to make the final at Homestead, blew a tire and crashed with 164 laps to go. He finished 39th.

    “I think the pressure of winning Cup No. 8 just became too overwhelming,” Johnson said. “So the ‘Weight For 8′ is responsible for the ‘Wait For 8.’”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth at Phoenix, posting his 17th top 10 of the year.

    “The SAFER barrier caught on fire after a burning brake rotor set it ablaze,” McMurray said. “Now, at this time of year in NASCAR, when someone sounds the ‘fire alarm,’ a lot of drivers get nervous.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second in the AAA 500 and clinched a spot in the Chase final four at Homestead.

    “The pressure is on for five drivers looking for that final spot,” Truex said. “I’m just glad I can sit back and relax, and watch frustration boil over for other drivers. So, while they’re going ‘postal,’ I’ll be going ‘coast-al.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 19th in the AAA 500 and is already good to go for Homestead by virtue of his win at Martinsville.

    “There are three drivers with clinched spots,” Busch said, “and five others with clinched sphincters.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick passed Martin Truex Jr. late to win at Texas and qualify for the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “The No. 4 Jimmy John’s car was not only ‘freaky fast,’” Harvick said, “it was ‘freakin‘ fast.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth at Texas and is fourth in the points standings, 19 ahead of Denny Hamlin in fifth.

    “I’m going to Phoenix like a NASCAR fan in the infield going to the port-a-potty,” Keselowski said. “I’m headed there strictly to ‘take care of business.’

    “And speaking of business, I’ll have Discount Tire sponsorship for the No. 2 car for several races next year. I think Discount Tire sponsorship will be very noticeable to the NASCAR fan base, because what NASCAR fan is not intrigued by cheap rubbers?”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started second at Texas and finished third at Texas, and will vie for the last of the four available playoff spots at Phoenix.

    “I spent much of the day looking to see if Chase Elliott was behind me,” Hamlin said. “He was, but fortunately for me, there were 15-20 cars between us.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott failed pre-qualifying technical inspection and started 34th at Texas on his way to an eighth-place finish.

    “I’ll likely need a win at Phoenix to make a run for the Cup at Phoenix,” Elliott said. “Here’s a prediction: if you don’t see me in Victory Lane, you can probably find me in the NASCAR hauler with Denny Hamlin.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took sixth in the AAA 500 and is sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 22 behind Brad Keselowski in fourth.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. tweeted a pic of Tony Stewart in spandex,” Blaney said. “Unfortunately, it was so tight, you could see the outline of Tony’s ‘mo jo.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fourth at Texas and will likely need a win at Phoenix to advance as a Cup contender at Homestead.

    “I won’t be a full-time Cup driver in 2018,” Kenseth said. “So, the next two races for me will be ‘win and I’m in’ and ‘over and out.’”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, who won at Texas in April, finished 27th at Texas, his day marred by an unscheduled pit stop due to a vibration.

    “I’ll tell you what else is vibrating,” Johnson said. “My head, because I’m shaking it because I really have no explanation for our struggles.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Texas after turning a record lap in qualifying. He finished ninth on Sunday.

    “That’s the Busch brother way,” Kurt said. “Whether we’re going super fast, or being super whiny, it sounds like a broken record.”