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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Martinsville as Kyle Busch took the win.

    “We didn’t win,” Truex said, “but it was a good points day for us. And points get me very excited. You know what I get when I see my points pile up? A huge bonus.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch bumped his way past Denny Hamlin in overtime to claim the win at Martinsville and punch his ticket to the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “I could head to Homestead now,” Busch said, “skip the next two races, and still leave Florida with the Monster Energy Cup championship, and possibly a tan.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won the first two stages at Martinsville and was in position to win with about 10 laps to go when Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano blew a tire to cause a caution. Keselowski was passed on the restart by Chase Elliott and finished fourth.

    “Logano knew he had a tire problem,” Keselowski said, “yet he decided not to pit anyway. He basically cost me the win. I’m frustrated and angry with Joey. But I had a talk with Rusty Wallace. He told me it’s perfectly acceptable for the driver of the No. 2 car to hate his teammate.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was passed by Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch during an overtime finish, and faded to come home seventh in the First Data 500. Hamlin had previously bumped Chase Elliott out of the way, leading to a confrontation after the race.

    “I was confronted by an angry Chase Elliott fan after the race,” Hamlin said. “He looked like he was three sheets to the wind, or maybe six hot dogs to the toilet. In any case, I didn’t want any part of this guy. And if you saw the size of him, you know he had many parts.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Denny Hamlin bumped Chase Elliott out of the lead, causing Elliott to spin and wreck late at Martinsville. Elliott finished 27th and chased Hamlin down on the cool down lap to voice his displeasure.

    “I told Hamlin to ‘Kiss my behind,’” Elliott said. “He smugly replied, ‘I already did, with my car, when I wrecked you.’

    “All I have to say to Denny is ‘Halloween is over, but costume time isn’t. I’m going to be Matt Kenseth, and you’re going to be Joey Logano.’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Martinsville and is now fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “It’s good to finally see some heated confrontations between drivers after the race,” Harvick said. “Unfortunately, no punches were thrown. NASCAR doesn’t need stages; it needs rounds.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Martinsville and is now sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I may not be the best driver in NASCAR,” Blaney said, “but I’ve got the best hair in NASCAR. And I’ve got a lot of it. I once took my car to the wind tunnel, and my hair failed.”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Martinsville and is fifth in the points standings, 67 behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “I’ve got eight wins at Martinsville,” Johnson said, “so I know what it’s like to leave Martinsville with a grandfather clock trophy. I’ve got a trophy room at home solely dedicated to Martinsville trophies. I call it the ‘8 Time Room.’ Hopefully, come mid-November, I’ll have another trophy room in my house with the same name.

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth at Martinsville and is 10th in the points standings.

    “Martinsville Speedway debuted its $5 million LED lighting system,” Kenseth said. “Those are some bright lights. You could tell by just looking in the stands that everybody was well-lit.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished a disappointing 37th at Martinsville after spinning and slamming the inside wall on lap 300.

    “I may be out of the running for the 2017 Monster Energy Cup,” Larson said, “but I’m already looking ahead to 2018. I think I’ve proved my talent over the past that I should be the odds-on favorite to win the 2018 Cup. So, looking back, I’m looking forward.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and won at Kansas, posting his series-best seventh victory of the season.

    “The phrase heard most often in NASCAR this year is ‘Truex wins,’” Truex said. “I’m just hoping to add ‘it all’ to the end of it.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 18 laps and finished 13th at Kansas, and is on to the third round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “There’s three Toyota’s in the field of eight as we head to Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “I’ll be the first to say I’m at a disadvantage, but I’ve got a ‘Deuce’ up my sleeve because I won there in April.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 112 laps, won Stage 1, and finished 10th in the Hollywood Casino 400, easily qualifying for the third round of the Chase.

    “I wore a special glow in the dark ‘Frankenstein’ helmet at Kansas,” Busch said. “Frankenstein and I share a couple of traits—1) our complexion, and 2) we both have a lead foot.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 at Kansas and finished fifth, posting his 14th top five of the season.

    “Martin Truex Jr. has dominated on 1-½-mile tracks,” Hamlin said, “and Kansas Speedway was one of those. But Martinsville is a ½-mile track, and it’s my home track, as well as my favorite track. So, I just want to remind Martin, ‘We’re not in Kansas anymore.’”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott is on to the next round of the Chase after a fourth at Kansas, posting the top Chevrolet finish.

    “Martinsville is where they separate the men from the boys,” Elliott said. “Men can digest a Martinsville hot dog; boys can not.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Needing a solid finish to advance to the third round, Harvick started second at Kansas and finished eighth.

    “Martinsville is NASCAR’s shortest track,” Harvick said, “so cars will be packed tightly. That means a lot of contact, which means tempers could flare, and the next thing you know, punches are flying. How do I now? Because I’m knowledgeable on pushing other drivers, either over the edge or into an awaiting melee.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson suffered a blown engine on Lap 73 and finished 39th at Kansas, ending his chances of advancing to the third round of the Chase.

    “First I lose my Target,” Larson said, “now I’ve lost my goal.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney failed post-qualifying inspection and started last, but scrambled to finish a strong third at Kansas, which advanced him to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “Failing inspection at the Hollywood Casino 400 is like getting busted by the ‘pit’ boss,” Blaney said. “As the number of failed inspections in NASCAR shows, ‘rolling the dice’ is very common.

    9. Jimmie Johnson: In danger of being eliminated from the Chase, Johnson advanced with an 11th at Kansas.

    “What is a playoff field without Jimmie Johnson?” Johnson said. “For one thing, it’s good news for fans of Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt Jr. And without me, the only ‘J.J.’ in the field would be the one on Kevin Harvick’s hood.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 37th at Kansas, his hopes of advancing ended by a penalty for having too many crew members over the wall

    “The key word there is ‘over,’” Kenseth said. “And I didn’t even know that was a penalty. So I’m confused. And I’m not the only one confused. NASCAR chairman Brian France heard about an ‘over the wall’ penalty and was stunned to learn my pit crewmen were not Mexican.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex crashed out at Talladega with 17 laps to go when he made contact with David Ragan, setting a chain reaction crash that victimized Jimmie Johnson, Kevin Harvick, and Kyle Busch.

    “My win at Charlotte already puts me into the next round of the Chase,” Truex said. “There’s no pressure. So, at Kansas, you can expect my car to be all over the track because I’ll be the one running ‘loose.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski passed Ryan Newman on the final lap at Talladega to win the Alabama 500 and secure his spot in the Round Of 8 of the Chase For The Cup.

    “It was a wild day at Talladega,” Keselowski said, “and I’m in a state of shock. Frankly, I’m stunned, that a Ford could win in a race with Toyotas in the field. And that, my friends, is the sound of ‘sandbagging.’”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson survived a wreck-filled day at Talladega to post a 13th-place finish and solidify his odds of advancing to the next round of the Chase.

    “There were three red flags on Sunday,” Larson said. “It felt an awful lot like my car was being inspected.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth in the Alabama 500, posting the best finish by a Toyota driver. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I’m in good position to advance to the next round of the Chase,” Hamlin said. “Barring a disaster, or as we saw at Talladega, disasters, I should move on to the third round. Hopefully, the 40 professional drivers in the field at Kansas will show professionalism.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 27th after his No. 18 Toyota was collected in a lap 171 crash triggered by contact between Martin Truex Jr. and David Ragan.

    “If the field of 8 was set now,” Busch said, “I’d be out, and Truex would have eliminated his biggest competitor in the championship. I’m not saying Truex’s wreck was intentional; I’m just saying he was driving ‘with a purpose.’”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott started second at Talladega and finished 16th, six laps behind the leaders.

    “Like many drivers,” Elliott said, “I was an innocent victim of someone else’s recklessness. Fortunately, there’s a 20-point cushion between me in sixth and Kyle Busch in ninth. Of course, it’s no fun hitting a wall at such speeds, but I couldn’t ask for a ‘SAFER barrier.’”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s No. 4 Ford survived involvement in two big crashes to post a 20th at Talladega.

    “Only 14 cars finished the race,” Harvick said. “It takes NASCAR three races to pare the field down to 12 drivers. Talladega can do it in a single race.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the second stage and finished 18th at Talladega.

    “That stage win is worth a point in the standings,” Blaney said. “And every single point is vitally important in the NASCAR playoffs. And what better place to reiterate the importance of a ‘Big One’ than Talladega?”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 24th at Talladega.

    “We were penalized for working on the car during a red flag,” Johnson said. “Usually, when NASCAR tells Chad Knaus to stop altering the car, it’s after the work is already done.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 14th in the Alabama 500, and is 10th in the points standings.

    “I joked that my 2018 driving plans may involve a school bus,” Kenseth said. “The last time I took someone to school, it was Joey Logano in Martinsville.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started 17th and Charlotte, but the handling on his No. 78 Toyota finally came around at the right time, and he pulled away to win the Bank Of America 500.

    “That’s my sixth win in 30 races this season,” Truex said. “That’s one of every five. Stated as a fraction, that’s a fifth. Stated in terms a NASCAR fan can understand, that’s 750 milliliters.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch fell a lap down after slapping the wall on lap 137 and finished a disappointing 29th at Charlotte.

    “I needed immediate medical attention right after the race,” Busch said. “I was overheated and dehydrated. Doctors in the infield care center said I looked white as a sheet. That’s when they knew it was okay to release me.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson was leading with 55 laps remaining, but his tire carrier slipped and fell on a pit stop, costing Larson the lead and track position. He eventually finished 10th.

    “It was an unavoidable mistake,” Larson said, “and I feel bad for my tire carrier. But he feels even worse. He’s beaten himself up about it so much that he’s in traction.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won the pole at Charlotte and led the first 35 laps on his way to a fourth, his 13th top five of the year.

    “I said NASCAR drivers should make as much as athletes in the NBA and NFL,” Hamlin said. “I guess what I’m saying is drivers should be more overpaid than we already are.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott took second at Charlotte, posting his second consecutive runner-up finish.

    “I feel like those two runner-up finishes have prepared me for a win,” Elliott said. “It’s just a matter of time. How much time? I’d say about ‘two seconds.’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated early at Charlotte, winning the first two stages and raced to a third-place finish.

    “I think we had the fastest car,” Harvick said. “I think we’ve found the speed we’ve been missing. I think you’ll see the No. 4 Jimmy John’s/Busch Ford really showing that at Talladega. To put it in perspective for fans in the Talladega infield, my car will be moving around ‘Dega’s 2.66-mile track as fast, if not faster, than Jimmy John’s and Busch beer moving through your digestive tract. I think we can challenge those Toyotas, so expect a race as competitive as your race to the port-a-potty.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished seventh at Charlotte, recording his 11th top 10 of the year.

    “We got away with an apparent rules violation in the pits,” Johnson said. “One of my pit crew members tightened a lug nut when I was clearly out of the pit box. I can’t explain it. I guess the only thing we can do is open up the NASCAR rule book. To which page, you ask? The one labeled ‘interpretation.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Charlotte and is now 10th in the points standings, 64 out of first.

    “It was an exhausting day at Charlotte,” Keselowski said. “But I’ll tell you what’s really exhausting: saying ‘Toyota’ when someone asks who’s won the last four races.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth posted a solid 11th at Charlotte.

    “Five hundred miles in those conditions is brutal,” Kenseth said. “You saw what happened to Kyle Busch. He was overcome with carbon monoxide poisoning. Luckily, he recovered. It’s mentioned a lot in our sport, but never has racing in ‘clean air’ been more important.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished fifth at Charlotte and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 62 behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “It was incredibly humid out there,” McMurray said. “Kyle Busch visited the infield care center due to overheating. He didn’t seem too upset. It was the first time in his life he’s been called ‘smoking hot.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Dover and passed Chase Elliott with two laps to go to win at Dover.

    “I stood for the American flag,” Busch said, “but I was sitting for the checkered flag.

    “Unfortunately, my brother Kurt didn’t advance to the next round of the Chase. Kurt won the Daytona 500 in February. Since then, he’s done mostly nothing, which is the same as saying he hasn’t done much of anything.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Dover and finished fourth, and is still the leader in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “The championship is turning into a two-man battle between me and Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “I think we should just put our two Toyotas side-by-side and force Brad Keselowski to pick a winner.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 2 and finished fifth in the Apache Warrior 400 at Dover, posting his 14th top five of the year.

    “There’s been a lot of talk lately about standing for the national anthem,” Larson said. “To stand or not to stand, that is the question. But this is NASCAR, the ‘stands’ that really should be a concern are the ones that hold the fans.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won the first stage and finished 10th at Dover.

    “I said it before and I’ll say it again,” Keselowski said. “I support your civil rights 100 percent. If you want to stand for the national anthem, I support your desire to do so. If you’re afraid not to for fear of having your ass kicked, I support your right to feel fear.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin broke an axle and finished 35th in the Apache Warrior 400.

    “And speaking of things that ‘crack under pressure,’” Hamlin said, “Chase Elliott should have won that race.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 138 laps at Dover, but couldn’t close the deal as Kyle Busch passed him with two laps to go to steal the win.

    “I think I may be coming down with a case of the flu,” Elliott said. “Or maybe I’m feeling a bit ‘run down.’

    “Kyle may be the favorite to win the Monster Energy Cup. He looms large in the championship picture, much as he did in my rear-view mirror.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Dover and is now fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 42 behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “Chase Elliott almost had his first career win, ” Johnson said. “I know he must be disappointed. He was this close to victory, and by ‘this’ I mean the length of a two-inch piece of tape.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home 11th at Dover, just missing his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “Did Ryan Newman keep Chase Elliott from winning?” Kenseth said. “Of course not. Newman’s never prevented anyone from winning anything of consequence, except himself.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th at Dover, with his shot at a stronger finish hindered by an unscheduled pit stop.

    “There was very little, if any, sitting for the national anthem,” Harvick said. “I think that goes to show that NASCAR is the most ‘All-American’ sport there is. The red, white, and blue are important to NASCAR, especially the white.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished ninth at Dover, recording his 15th top 10 of the year, and advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I think all major sports had an increased amount of attention on the national anthem,” McMurray said. “But only in NASCAR was the playing of the anthem more exciting than the event itself.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Loudon and finished fifth in the ISM Connect 300.

    “I barely made it through Kevin Harvick’s smoky wreck,” Truex said. “Normally, you don’t see a smokescreen like that unless it’s NASCAR throwing a bogus late caution flag to cause a restart and prevent a certain driver from winning by a large margin.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the pole at New Hampshire and took Stage 2 on his way to the win at New Hampshire.

    “I punched my ticket to the next round of the Chase,” Busch said, “which may be the only thing I’ve actually ever punched in my life.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the front row at Loudon and finished second behind Kyle Busch.

    “It was a warm day in New Hampshire,” Larson said. “But that wasn’t the reason a lot of drivers were perspiring. After the race at Dover next week, four drivers will be eliminated, and the field will be narrowed from 16 to 12. So, for the four at the bottom, it’s gonna be all she wrote. We call those drivers the ‘Rear Enders.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth at New Hampshire, posting his 12th top five of the year.

    “Joey Logano failed inspection four times before qualifying on Friday,” Keselowski said. “So NASCAR made him drive to pit road and sit in his car. Joey called it a ‘joke;’ he started 39th, so I guess NASCAR had the ‘last’ laugh.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished a solid 12th at Loudon as Joe Gibbs Racing cars took three of the top six spots.

    “I have an unreasonable fear of lobster,” Hamlin said. “That makes me chicken.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished third at New Hampshire, posting his eighth top-five of the year.

    “Poor Joey Logano,” Kenseth said. “He had to sit in his car while qualifying was taking place. It must have been a helpless feeling. Trust me, I know the feeling. It’s the one I gave Logano two years ago at Martinsville.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 14th in the ISM Connect 300.

    “There’s a lot of talk about the national anthem in sports today,” Johnson said. “Richard Childress and Richard Petty were quite adamant about their feelings, while Dale Earnhardt Jr. tweeted his feelings supporting the right to peacefully protest. That must have put the people of Junior Nation in quite a dilemma, because for them if it’s a matter of sitting or standing, it often involves a visit to the Port-A-Potty.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick spun with a lap to go in Stage 2 after contact with Austin Dillon. The wreck created a huge plume of smoke, and Kurt Busch rammed Harvick’s No. 4, ending the day for both cars.

    “I’ve had issues with Dillon before,” Harvick said. “He’s the grandson of Richard Childress; I’ve mentioned before that Austin was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth. I’m so angry with him, I’d like to fork him up.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 16th at New Hampshire.

    “NASCAR car owners have made it clear they won’t tolerate a driver who won’t rise for the national anthem,” McMurray said. “In other words, they won’t stand for it.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 11th at Loudon and now stands eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I was penalized for ‘illegal modifications at Chicagoland,” Elliott said. “We got caught removing tape from the spoiler, but only because some fans saw us doing it. I think the lesson learned is we should ‘stick’ to the rules.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third at Chicagoland as Toyotas took the top three qualifying spots. Despite an early pit road speeding penalty, Truex recovered and took the win, securing his spot in the second round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “As per usual in a race sponsored by Nickelodeon,” Truex said, “the winner gets ‘slimed’ with the network’s signature green goo. So I got slimed. If you’ve ever taken a dip in the infield pond at Daytona after the Daytona 500, you get the same result.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fifth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “It’s too bad Sunoco is the official fuel of NASCAR,” Larson said, “because Shell’s missing a heck of an opportunity for a tie-in with the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started second and came home fourth, posting the top finish among Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

    “Brad Keselowski had a lot of words to say about Toyotas,” Hamlin said. “Brad’s Ford may lack speed, but he certainly doesn’t, because he’s always quick to complain.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 59 laps and finished third at Chicagoland.

    “Let me just dispel a rumor right now,” Harvick said. “Jimmy John’s deliveries are ‘freaky fast,’ but despite what Brad Keselowski says, our delivery fleet is not comprised exclusively of Toyotas.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Chicagoland and finished a disappointing 15th, due to a number of issues in the pits. He is still fifth in the points standings, 41 out of first.

    “We made some costly mistakes,” Busch said. “First a loose wheel, then a penalty in the pits for over the wall too soon. Maybe it was because I had a new pit crew. I think it was a case of nerves. Others think it may have been the Skittles paint scheme because we were ‘Skitt-ish.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took ninth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400, posting his 13th top 10 of the year.

    “You saw NASCAR officials taking tires into the ‘blue tent’ for testing,” Kenseth said. “As I understand it, they submerge the tires in water to check for leaks. It’s the NASCAR equivalent of waterboarding.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, seeking his eighth Cup championship, posted an eighth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “If I win number eight,” Johnson said, “I’ll be alone at the top of the list of NASCAR champions. So I really want one more, because that will give me one more than anyone else.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Chicagoland, recording his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “Maybe my comments about Toyota domination were premature,” Keselowski said. “Although a Toyota won the race, they didn’t dominate altogether. So, maybe in hindsight, I shouldn’t have made those statements. But, I drive a Ford, probably the slowest of the cars, so any observations I make will be in ‘hindsight,’ because I’m behind.

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 10th in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “I think it’s great to have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles associated with a NASCAR race,” McMurray said. “NASCAR’s fan base is dwindling, so it’s brilliant market to target not only teenagers, but mutants, ninjas, and turtles as well.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 42 laps and took the runner-up spot at Chicagoland.

    “Martin Truex Jr. won handily,” Elliott said. “There wasn’t a close finish at all, and there wasn’t a whole lot of action during the race. Nowadays, everybody knows the best battles in NASCAR happen on Twitter.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2 at Richmond was on his way to his fifth win of the year before a late caution flipped his fate. Kyle Larson beat Truex out of the pits and pulled away on the restart, while Truex tangled with Denny Hamlin and crashed. Truex finished 20th.

    “Of course I’m disappointed,” Truex said, “but I’ll have a twenty-point lead over Kyle Larson once the Chase starts at Chicagoland. So I like where I’m sitting, mostly because of the ‘cushion’ I’m sitting on.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson beat Martin Truex Jr. out of the pits on the final caution and jumped ahead on the restart, easily claiming the Federated Auto Parts 400, his fourth win of the season.

    “I’d like to thank my pit crew for their fast work,” Larson said. “But mostly I’d like to thank Derrick Cope for causing that final caution. I should invite him to Victory Lane, but I doubt he remembers how to get there.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch took the first stage at Richmond and came home with a ninth-place finish.

    “Denny Hamlin got busted for using illegal suspensions at Darlington,” Busch said. “Not just his Monster Energy Cup car, but his XFINITY Series car as well. Denny was stunned, but he had no choice but to ‘absorb the shock’ of the ramifications.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Richmond as the regular season came to a close.

    “I had my win at Darlington encumbered because of illegal suspension,” Hamlin said. “That means I get to keep the trophy, but I’m stripped of the bonus points. Plus, I have to drive with a vanity license plate that reads ‘NCUMBRD.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 15th at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup in sixth, 38 points behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “Hey,” Harvick said, “what’s with an ambulance on the track at Richmond? I know NASCAR ratings are hurting, but is this their way of ‘reviving’ the sport?”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth at Richmond, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

    “I’ll start the Chase For The Cup in fifth,” Johnson said. “I’m not feeling any pressure. I’ve won seven Cup championships, so I don’t plan on changing anything about my preparation, except maybe adding a cheat sheet inside the cockpit that explains how to advance in the Chase.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led nine laps and finished 11th at Richmond.

    “There really should be two Penske Racing drivers in the Chase For The Cup,” Keselowski said. “But, upon further inspection, I realize that Joey Logano won’t be part of the Chase.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth ran into the back of Clint Bowyer with 143 laps remaining after an ambulance inexplicably blocked the entrance to pit road. Kenseth eventually finished 38th but still qualified for the Chase.

    “Kudos to that ambulance driver,” Kenseth said, “for arriving before the accident even happened.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 14th and qualified for the Chase For The Cup, where he will start 16th, 50 points behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “I’m a serious long shot to win the Monster Energy Cup championship,” McMurray said. “A 100 to 1 long shot to be exact. That means you can bet $1 on me, and if I win, you would win $100. A safer bet, however, would be to take that $1 and spend it on an item from McDonald’s Dollar Menu. Consider my sponsor obligations fulfilled.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 10th at Richmond, posting his 14th top 10 of the season.

    “The race in Richmond was called the ‘Federated Auto Parts 400,’” Elliott said. “Let’s just be glad it wasn’t called the ‘Con-Federated Auto Parts 400.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex won Stages 1 and 2 at Darlington before his attempts to hold off the charging Denny Hamlin failed due to a right-front tire failure. Truex finished eighth.

    “I did, however, clinch NASCAR’s regular season title,” Truex said. “And if I fail to win the Monster Energy Cup championship, it will also be just another ‘regular’ season.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Darlington as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin took the win.

    “The Monster Energy Cup championship trophy weighs 70 pounds,” Busch said. “That sure is heavy. But some burdens are worth carrying. Just ask my car owner Joe Gibbs.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: After missing pit road on lap 315, Hamlin recovered and tracked down Martin Truex, Jr. to take the win in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “I felt terrible after missing pit road,” Hamlin said. “Let me tell you, missing the pits is the pits.

    “The No. 11 Toyota was sporting the Sport Clips paint scheme. It was ‘Throwback Weekend’ at Darlington, but if you would have seen those colors, you would have thought it was ‘Throw Up Weekend.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Darlington and piloted the No. 4 Busch Beer Chevrolet to a ninth-place finish.

    “As you could see by the car paint schemes,” Harvick said, “it was ‘Throwback Weekend” at Darlington. Even NASCAR fans got into the theme, wearing clothes that were fashionable thirty years ago. Then again, maybe those fans had no idea it was ‘Throwback Weekend.’”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 14th in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “It was an incredible feat for Denny Hamlin to run down Martin Truex Jr. like he did to get the win,” Larson said. “Especially after making such a boneheaded error when he missed pit lane. I hear Denny is fond of playing basketball; he must be a pretty good ‘rebounder.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth placed sixth at Darlington as three Joe Gibbs Racing cars finished in the top six.

    “The fourth JGR driver is Daniel Suarez,” Kenseth said. “We just found out Subway terminated its four-race sponsorship of Daniel because of a pre-race segment in July in which he handed out Dunkin’ Donuts to fans. I guess in Subway sponsorship, there are Do’s and Don’t’s, and donuts are a don’t.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Darlington, and hasn’t won since taking the checkers at Dover in early June.

    “The No. 48 paint scheme was a tribute to the design on the Lowe’s trucks in 1986,” Johnson said. “As I’ve said often this year, my car drives like a truck.

    “I attended the ‘Burning Man’ music festival with my wife. I couldn’t believe I was actually there. I imagine I said the same thing as a dude who wakes up in a NASCAR infield after a night of partying and questionable hookups: “It’s burning, man!”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “The No. 2 Ford was sporting the throwback Miller Genuine Draft paint scheme,” Keselowski said. “Most people are used to seeing me in the Miller Lite paint scheme. That’s the car that made Rusty Wallace famous, and, in turn, made Ryan Newman angry.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray piloted the No. 1 McDonald’s Chevrolet to a 10th-place finish at Darlington, posting his

    “Thirteen drivers have clinched playoff spots,” McMurray said. “Currently, Chase Elliott, myself, and Matt Kenseth hold the final three spots. We three are all hoping for nothing to change as a result of what happens at Richmond, like, some driver way down in the standings taking a surprising win. In other words, if Elliott, Kenseth, and I are pulling for anyone, it’s for the ‘status quo’ to take the win.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer’s engine blew 18 laps in at Darlington and he finished 40th.

    “I’m in a must-win situation at the final regular season race at Richmond,” Bowyer said. “That’s called a ‘win and you’re in’ situation, as opposed to a ‘spin and Martin Truex, Jr. is in’ situation.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 21st at Bristol, his first finish outside the top six since a 33rd at Indianapolis.

    “What a run by my Furniture Row Racing teammate Erik Jones,” Truex said. “He almost won the race. Now, there were a lot of drivers pulling for Erik not to win the race. We call them ‘losers,’ or, in the case of Joey Logano, ‘encumbered losers.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race on Saturday night to complete the Bristol sweep after winning the Camping World Truck race on Wednesday and the XFINITY Series race on Friday.

    “I celebrated with a broom atop my car,” Busch said. “That cleaning implement comes in handy when you win all three races at a track, but the broom is especially handy when you need to sweep my bratty behavior under the rug.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson led 70 laps and finished ninth at Bristol.

    “Kyle Busch was pretty much unstoppable,” Larson said. “You could say he was on a mission. On the contrary, when Kyle acts up and his sponsor threatens to pull their support, Kyle handles that by going on a ‘mission to Mars.’”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth in the Food City 500

    “Kyle Busch swept all three NASCAR series races at Bristol,” Harvick said. “That means you heard his name mentioned continuously throughout our time here in Bristol. It probably sounded like this: ‘Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’ Consider that my least favorite sponsor promo.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Bristol, posting his ninth top-five of the season.

    “Kyle Busch just dominated the week at Bristol,” Hamlin said. “But the fans at Bristol weren’t too receptive of his success. Some of the fans were even booing him. That’s shocking, because I know Kyle, and all of those fans should be booing.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth battled for the win at Bristol before eventually finishing fourth.

    “Luckily for me,” Kenseth said, “Erik Jones didn’t win the race. You know, Erik is taking over the No. 20 car next year. Frankly, I’m stunned. But it could be worse. When someone tells you you’re being replaced by a 21-year-old, I’d much rather it be a car owner than a wife.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Bristol and is now 11th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Luckily,” Johnson said, “my three wins guarantee me a spot in the Chase For The Cup. That makes me a lock for the Chase. My seven championships make me a virtual lock for the Cup title. And all my opponents know that me winning is a virtual reality.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 29th at Bristol.

    “I’m shutting down my Camping World trucks team after this season,” Keselowski said. “Kyle Busch can have his broom; I have an axe.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th at Bristol.

    “I’m currently holding on to the 16th and final playoff spot,” McMurray said. “Ideally, I’d want my standing to be a little more secure. But I guess I can’t complain. McDonald’s may be loving it; I’m just liking it.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 19th at Bristol and sits 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I thought it was cool that the Bristol fans spelled out ‘Thank You Dale Jr’ with cards before the race,” Bowyer said. “It’s clear evidence that NASCAR fans can spell.”