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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 233 laps and won Stage 2 on his way to a third-place finish in the Coca-Cola 600.

“That’s the third consecutive year I’ve led the most laps in the Coke 600,” Truex said, “and all I have to show for it is one win and a lousy t-shirt.”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson started at the rear of the Coca-Cola 600 after he failed to pass inspection in time for a qualifying lap. He raced as high as third before scraping the wall on lap 153, then smacked the wall harder 45 laps later, which ended his day. He finished 33th and dropped out of the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“By the time I passed inspection,” Larson said, “I didn’t have time to turn a qualifying lap. In a sport based on speed, I guess we first need to be faster at passing inspection.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson ran out of gas two laps from the finish, which allowed Austin Dillon to win his first Cup race. Johnson finished 17th.

“Much like my fuel intake system,” Johnson said, “this sucks. But congratulations go to Dillon. He really proved he belongs with the big boys. You know, a lot of people thought he got a NASCAR ride only because of Richard Childress. I think that’s called being ‘grandfathered in.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s Charlotte experience ended abruptly when he rear-ended Chase Elliott, whose No. 24 slowed dramatically after running over a piece of debris from Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car. Keselowski finished 39th.

“I’m not sure what piece came off of Earnhardt’s car,” Keselowski said. “But knowing it came from Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car, I’m guessing it was a piece of junk.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Charlotte and finished eighth despite dealing with a loose wheel early in the race, then a spin caused by some fluid on the track.

“Congratulations to Austin Dillon and Richard Childress,” Harvick said. “I know the importance of winning as an RCR driver. Whenever I won in an RCR car, both Richard and I celebrated. So the partying may have been mutual, but the parting was not.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott crashed out early at Charlotte when he ran over a piece of Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car and was subsequently smashed from behind by Brad Keselowski. Elliott finished 38th.

“It’s not the first time an Earnhardt has disappointed a fan base this season,” Elliott said.

7. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th at Charlotte and is sixth in the points standings, 106 out of first.

“Austin Dillon and his team made all the right calls,” McMurray said. “And it’s good to see the No. 3 in Victory Lane. But I don’t think anyone is going to start calling Dillon ‘The Intimidator’ anytime soon. Based on his fuel mileage victory, I think a more fitting nickname would be the ‘Fume-igator.’”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 21st at Charlotte, one lap down, and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“It wasn’t the best of days for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “First, neither Will Power nor Helio Castroneves won at Indianapolis. Brad Keselowski and I? We didn’t have any luck ‘In-dy Car’ either.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch likely had the fastest car on the track but finished a disappointing second to Austin Dillon, who successfully gambled on fuel strategy to capture the win.

“Leave it to a Busch brother to be ornery after a second-place finish,” Busch said. “As it was, I came up short, in the race and in the post-race press conference.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 14th at Charlotte and is now ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 343 out of first.

“Channing Tatum gave the command to start the engines,” Bowyer said. “Tatum was in Charlotte to promote his movie, ‘Logan Lucky,’ which takes place at Charlotte Motor Speedway and involves some type of robbery during the Coca- Cola 600. I think Austin Dillon will serve as a special consultant because he stole the race on Sunday.”

May 29, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth in the GoBowling.com 400, posting his seventh top 10 of the season. He leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 44 over Martin Truex Jr.

“That was quite a fiery crash involving Joey Logano, Danica Patrick, and Aric Almirola,” Larson said. “My prayers are with Aric, but mostly with Danica, because according to her interview, she’s the real victim.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 104 laps and pulled away on the final restart to win the GoBowling.com 400 at Kansas.

“My car was super on restarts,” Truex said. “In a race that took place in the heart of the Great Plains, you would expect a lot of people to get ‘dusted.’

“We were untouchable. No one behind us had a chance. Anytime there was a restart, the No. 78 Toyota told everyone else to say ‘hello’ to ‘goodbye.’”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recovered from falling two laps down to take the runner-up spot at Kansas.

“I probably did more passing on the track than anyone else,” Keselowski said. “In fact, it was easy. As a driver for Penske Racing, it’s ‘passing’ off the track that isn’t so easy. Just look at our inspection record.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was headed for a likely top-10 finish before a spin with four laps remaining relegated him to a 24th at Kansas.

“I had a number of problems,” Johnson said. “One was a penalty for driving through too many pit stalls. Another was making contact with Kurt Busch. That’s never a good thing. I should have remembered the advice once given to me about Kurt long ago: ‘It’s best to steer clear of Kurt Busch, on the track and in life.’ That’s sage advice, and I’m not sure who it came from, a fellow driver, or one of Kurt’s former girlfriends.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott found trouble early at Kansas when he rammed into Michael McDowell’s No. 95 as Elliott was leaving pit road. Elliott’s No. 24 car suffered significant damage and he limped home to a 29th-place finish.

“It was totally my fault,” Elliott said. “Had I used my rear-view mirror, I’m sure I could have avoided the accident. Me not using my mirror? Well, that reflects badly on me.”

6. Joey Logano: A brake failure with 67 laps to go caused Logano to veer into the path of Danica Patrick and both slammed the wall, and both were then smacked by Aric Almirola’s sliding No. 43. Logano finished 37th.

“There was nothing I could do,” Logano said. “Thus, we were all unlucky. But I was the unluckiest because I had to ride in the back of an ambulance with Danica. That’s the last place I want to be. Can you blame me, though? Apparently, Danica can. If blame were wins, she’d be undefeated.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started eighth and finished third at Kansas, posting his fourth top five of the season.

“I really had to work hard for that third place finish,” Harvick said. “You could say I gave it my all. That’s not quite how it is when I film commercials. You certainly don’t get all of Kevin Harvick; heck, you’re lucky if you get three inches of Kevin Harvick. Some people say that three inches of Kevin Harvick is still a good day.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished eighth at Kansas, recording his seventh top 10 of the year. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“That was a scary crash involving Joey Logano, Danica Patrick, and Aric Almirola,” McMurray said. “It sounded and looked like Patrick thought Logano was at fault. In fact, she threw a ‘guilty party’ in his honor.”

9. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.: One week after winning at Talladega, Stenhouse finished 11th at Kansas.

“My girlfriend Danica Patrick took a big hit in her wreck,” Stenhouse said. “She’s okay because she’s one tough cookie. Luckily, she doesn’t have a concussion. That’s due in part to NASCAR’s stringent safety procedures, but due mostly to the fact that she has the hardest head in this sport.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took ninth in the GoBowling.com 400 at Kansas.

“NASCAR told Carl Long he couldn’t have a marijuana vape shop sponsor on his car,” Bowyer said. “That sponsorship went up in smoke. I can’t believe NASCAR could be so uptight. I’ve always said, you can’t spell ‘NASCAR’ without ‘NARC.’”

May 15, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson found trouble early at Talladega when he made contact with Jamie McMurray, which cut a tire on the No. 42 Target Chevrolet. Larson recovered and worked his way up to a 12th-place finish as Ricky Stenhouse Jr. took the win.

“Great race by Ricky,” Larson said. “His father, Ricky Stenhouse Sr. was briefly taken into police custody when he tried to reach Victory Circle via a route that allowed no pedestrians. Police eventually realized he was related, and he was released, only to arrive in Victory Circle to find someone else, Danica Patrick to be exact, ‘having relations’ with his son. Okay, so maybe they were just kissing.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Like many top drivers, Truex was caught in the “Big One,” a lap 171 melee triggered by contact from A.J. Allmendinger on Chase Elliott.

“I was asked to describe Talladega in three words,” Truex said. “I responded ‘Good, bad, and ugly.’ That was a Clint Eastwood movie. I think a more fitting title would have been ‘Sudden Impact.’ Or better yet, ‘Any Which Way You Can,’ or ‘Every Which Way But Loose.’”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth in the Geico 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“Everybody knew the ‘Big One’ was coming,” Johnson said. “NASCAR chairman Brian France likes to refer to himself as the ‘Big One.’ NASCAR drivers, on the other hand, like to say the ‘Big One’ when referring to France’s second chin.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 1 at Talladega and survived the “Big One” with 20 laps to go on his way to a seventh in the Geico 500.

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr. gave Roush Fenway Racing its first win since June of 2014,” Keselowski said. “It appears Jack Roush is relevant again. He even congratulated Stenhouse. In other words, Jack finally took his hat off.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott was running second on lap 171 when he was bumped by A.J. Allmendinger, sending Elliott’s No. 24 Hooter’s car into oncoming traffic.

“I nearly went airborne,” Elliott said. “And speaking of instances where gravity seems to briefly be suspended, how about the Hooter’s sponsorship on my car? Come to Hooter’s and you’ll see not one, but several ‘Big Ones.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano’s day ended in a huge crash with 20 laps to go at Talladega, leaving him with a disappointing 32nd-place finish.

“We had a car that was capable of winning,” Logano said, “but circumstances beyond my control prevented that. Honestly, I felt like I was cheated.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was a victim of Talladega’s lap 171 crash that involved 18 cars. Harvick eventually finished 23rd.

“It was pure car-nage,” Harvick said. “There’s only one thing worse than being involved in the ‘Big One,’ and that’s knowing it’s coming and not being able to do anything about it. So, in addition to cars, nerves are wrecked as well.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 48 laps, and seemed headed to the win until Ricky Stenhouse Jr. passed him for the win on the final lap. Busch finished third and is 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“We clearly had the best car in the field,” Busch said. “Unfortunately, the No. 18 Skittles Toyota doesn’t have a win to show for it. If there’s a slogan for our performance, it would be ‘Skittles: Waste the rainbow.’”

9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished second at Talladega as Ricky Stenhouse Jr. won his first Monster Energy Cup race. McMurray is fifth in the points standings, 110 behind Kyle Larson,

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s win will be a life-changer,” McMurray said. “This could be the first of many wins to come for him. On the other hand, it could the only win of his career. In that case, he will always remember the ‘Big One’ at Talladega.”

10.(tie) Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse passed Kyle Busch with a lap remaining in an overtime finish at Talladega. It was Stenhouse’s first Monster Energy Cup series victory.

“I was met in Victory Lane with a kiss from Danica Patrick,” Stenhouse said. “I guess you could say I made out like a winner. And, as an added benefit to everyone, our lips were locked, so Danica couldn’t talk.”

10.(tie) Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 14th in the Geico 500 and is ninth in the points standings, 85 out of first.

“I’m just glad I made it through the race with my car in one piece,” Bowyer said. “There are a lot of drivers who can’t say that. The one thing that broke loose on their cars was ‘all hell.’”

May 9, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson stayed out during the final caution while Joey Logano pitted for four tires. The gamble did not pay off for Larson, and Logano made quick work on his way to the win. Larson faded to 14th.

“I guess we should have pitted for tires,” Larson said. “But as you know, hindsight is 20/20. Hindsight is also what I saw in my rearview mirror. And, in that instance, hindsight is Joey Logano.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano pulled away on a restart with 20 laps to go and secured the victory in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

“We may not have had the fastest car,” Logano said, “but we won nonetheless. I owe it all to my team. They all worked together to make it happen. I haven’t seen teamwork like that since all my guys laid on top of Kyle Busch after he took a swing at me.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex posted his sixth top-10 finish of the year with a 10th in the Toyota Owners 400. He moved up one spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings to second, 40 points behind Kyle Larson.

“I was penalized for what NASCAR calls a ‘commitment line violation,’” Truex said. “If you ask me what I think of the rule, I might be penalized with what NASCAR calls an ‘FCC’ violation.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th despite crashing Dale Earnhardt Jr. on lap 343, when Johnson drifted up the track and into Earnhardt’s No. 88 Chevrolet.

“I had no idea Junior was there,” Johnson said. “Not to my immediate right, but in second place!”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled at Richmond, finishing 24th for his worst result of the year. He is third in the points standings, 52 out of first.

“The hot topic at Richmond was Jimmie Johnson wrecking Dale Earnhardt Jr.,” Elliott said. “It was totally unintentional. And Jimmie has apologized profusely, seven times to be exact.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 110 laps at Richmond but was bested by his Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who passed Keselowski on a restart while Keselowski battled Kyle Busch.

“We clearly had the best car in the field,” Keselowski said, “but circumstances didn’t work in our favor. I got stuck behind some slower cars. One of those happened to win the race.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond, posting his third top five of the season.

“Brian France addressed the drivers before the race about retirement,” Harvick said. “You could feel the electricity in the air; that is until France revealed he was talking about Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s retirement and not his own.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth at Richmond and is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 116 out of first.

“Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s absence next year will leave a void for the people of Junior Nation,” McMurray said. “But if there’s one thing Junior fans know how to do, it’s ‘fill a void,’ often involving a liver or countless other body parts.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond, recording his best finish since a sixth at Las Vegas.

“I said there was a 50 percent chance that Carl Edwards will be back in 2018,” Hamlin said. “That also means there’s a 50 percent chance Carl won’t be back in 2018. And I’m 100 percent sure I prefer that latter scenario.”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished seventh at Richmond, posting his third top 10 of the year.

“Joey Logano ran a great race,” Newman said. “And I wanted to offer him my congratulations after the race, but I know Joey is wary of me walking up to him with an arm extended. So, the situation called for a reacharound.”

May 2, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson won the rain-delayed Food City 500 at Bristol, earning his second consecutive win this season and 82nd in his career.

“I was really concerned with the grip on the track after race officials put down a traction compound,” Johnson said. “But my crew chief Chad Knaus alleviated my fears. Chad has a way with words; he also has a way with ‘sentences,’ as his history of being punished by NASCAR for rules infractions can attest.”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson started from the pole, dominated Stage 1, and ultimately finished sixth after a late pit road speeding penalty damaged his chances for a win.

“NASCAR is a sport made exciting by speeds approaching 200 miles per hour,” Larson said, “and made boring by speeds approaching 45 miles per hour.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 116 laps and finished eighth in the Food City 500. He is third in the points standings, 37 out of first.

“Jimmie Johnson has 82 career wins,” Truex said. “Two more and he ties NASCAR legend, Darrell Waltrip. It seems Jimmie is well on his way to coining his own irritating three-word catchphrase: ‘Eight-time champion.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Bristol, recording his sixth top 10 of the year. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 27 out of first.

“I’m really sad that my Hendrick Motorsports teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. is retiring,” Elliott said. “But he won’t leave without first being toasted by everyone here at Hendrick. Rick Hendrick is bringing the champagne; Jimmie Johnson is bringing the ‘Cups.’”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 34th, 67 laps down, after a troubling day at Bristol victimized by steering and brake issues.

“Steering issues are one thing,” Keselowski said. “Brake issues are another. Ironically, when brake issues arise, the one thing you want to say the most is ‘Make it stop.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Food City 500, posting his fifth top-five of the year, and is currently fourth in the points standings.

“You may have seen the new Verizon ad starring myself, LeBron James, and Drew Brees,” Logano said. “Once again, It’s the story of my life. Even in my sport, when I stand next to two other athletes, I’m the one they say has no balls.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick raced to a third in the Food City 500, posting his second consecutive top-five result.

“I’m of the opinion that the All-Star Race should take place at other locations besides Charlotte,” Harvick said. “And, NASCAR should have a skills competition, much like the NBA and NHL. Some events could be the ‘Cowardly Shove In The Back,’ the ‘Punch That Has No Chance Of Landing,’ and the ‘Mad Rush To Confront A Driver Who You Believe Has Wronged You.’”

8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer chased Jimmie Johnson the finish line at Bristol, settling for a second in the Food City 500. Bowyer is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“There was no way I was going to catch Jimmie,” Bowyer said, “and that was frustrating. I jokingly called Jimmie a ‘butthole.’ And I think you’ll find that most, if not all, drivers agree that Jimmie’s the best ‘piece of ass’ in our sport.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered two tire failures at Bristol on his way to a 35th in the Food City 500.

“To heck with a Goodyear,” Busch said, “I’ll settle for a ‘good day.’”

10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th in the Food City 500 and is up two spots to sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“The people of Junior Nation must be disappointed by Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s impending retirement,” McMurray said. “Luckily, disappointment is not a new emotion for them.”

April 25, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Texas, his fourth runner-up of the season, and remains the Monster Energy Cup points leader.

“Given a few more laps,” Larson said, “I think I could have caught Jimmie Johnson for the win. Given a few more lifetimes, I think I could have caught him in the number of Cup championships won.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Texas, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“We definitely had the car to better that eighth-place finish,” Truex said, “so I’m disappointed. If I had it to do over, I think we could have pulled out the win. So, talk about ‘resurfacing’ all you like; it’s the thought of ‘re-finishing‘ that intrigues me.”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his fifth top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Texas, and remained second in the points standings, 17 behind Kyle Larson,

“Winds were gusting up to 25 miles per hour,” Elliott said, “which means they were faster than Jeffrey Earnhardt.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 400 at Texas, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year.

“Only at Texas does the winner get to put on a cowboy hat and fire a set of replica six-shooters,” Keselowski said. “Jimmie Johnson had that honor on Sunday. It’s certainly not the first time for JJ; he’s won seven times at Texas. And, judging by Jimmie’s dehydration issue after the race, I’m guessing he went to the bathroom and shot even more blanks.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano led late at Texas but couldn’t hold off a charging Jimmie Johnson, who took the lead with 16 laps to go. Logano finished second and is fifth in the points standings, 72 out of first.

“Much like a Kyle Busch punch,” Logano said, “Jimmie went by me like I wasn’t even there.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the first and second stage in the O[Reilly Auto Parts 400, but faded to a 12th place finish.

“My last pit stop cost me,” Blaney said. “I overshot my pit stall and that blew my chance of winning. Obviously, my crew assumes I’ll hit my marks perfectly when I pit. I didn’t, and that’s been the story of my year because I’ve been ‘exceeding expectations’ all season.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Texas and finished fourth, posting his first top five of the season.

“I’ve never won at Texas,” Harvick said. “I seem to be cursed at that track. Heck, as one of NASCAR’s least-liked drivers, I believed I’m ‘cursed’ at every track.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch came home with a disappointing 15th at Texas, ending a streak of three consecutive top-10 finishes.

“Ozzy Osbourne visited my pit box during the race,” Busch said. “If Ozzy is the ‘Prince Of Darkness,’ my complexion says I’m the ‘Prince Of Lightness.’”

9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started from the very rear at Texas and passed Joey Logano with 17 laps to go, then cruised to his first win of the season.

“After a slow start to our season,” Johnson said, “it’s great to finally get a win. But I’m not satisfied. I’m hungry for more, but not as thirsty as I was for fluids after the race. My car’s fluid delivery system malfunctioned, so I needed three bags of intravenous fluids. It’s certainly not the first case of a ‘three-bagger’ making an appearance in a NASCAR infield.”

10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Texas, joining Chip Ganassi Racing teammate Kyle Larson in the top 10.

“The Texas Motor Speedway track was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “So, race-winner Jimmie Johnson picked the perfect time to ‘resurface.’”

April 11, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski passed Kyle Busch with 43 laps and cruised to the win at Martinsville, earning his first win at the Virginia short track.

“This was my first win at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “I’m pleased to get my first grandfather clock trophy because it’s about ‘time.’

“And speaking of ‘time,’ Paul Wolfe is not yet serving time for his suspension for a failed inspection incurred at Phoenix. And we all know what appealing a suspension for which you are clearly guilty is: ‘buying time.’”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 17th at Martinsville, snapping his streak of four consecutive races in the top 2. He remains the leader in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, four points ahead of Chase Elliott in second.

“Two of the youngest drivers lead the points standings,” Larson said. “Some of the veterans like to joke that Chase and I are still in diapers. That’s funny and all, but everyone in NASCAR knows that the thing most akin to diapers in this sport is the points format, because, apparently, it ‘needs changing’ all the time.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Martinsville and eventually finished 16th at Martinsville.

“I like the added intensity that stage racing brings to NASCAR,” Truex said. “It’s answered some questions that have long been asked in racing circles, like ‘Can the 80th lap of a race be just as exciting as the final lap?’ Or, ‘Could Kyle Busch’s fuse be shorter?’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in the STP 500 at Martinsville, posting his third top five of the season.

“Martinsville is the shortest track on the NASCAR circuit,” Elliott said. “It’s only ½-mile around. Some NASCAR fans call it a ‘paperclip;’ others call it a ‘waistline.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano took fourth at Martinsville, posting his third top-five result of the year. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 61 points out of first.

“Matt Kenseth finished ninth,” Logano said. “So, as was the case back in November of 2015, my day ended with Kenseth behind me.”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Martinsville after leading a race-high 274 laps. He is sixth in the points standings, 80 out of first.

“I lost a lengthy battle for the lead with Brad Keselowski,” Busch said. “I blame a faulty set of tires for my failure. I’m very irritated. Not just at those tires, but also at Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Joey Logano, M&M’s that melt in my hand, and life in general. In other words, ‘Everything is grating.’”

7. Ryan Newman: Newman finished eighth at Martinsville and is 11th in the points standings.

“Just for the record,” Newman said, “Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse Jr. did not get engaged. Ricky must be the one holding up things because anyone who’s pissed off Danica knows she’s not afraid to ‘engage’ with anyone.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled to a 20th-place finish at Martinsville and has yet to post a top-five finish this season.

“We struggled all day,” Harvick said. “The No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevrolet was just slow. How slow, you may ask? Well, we were so slow, in honor of our performance, you can walk into any Jimmy Johns, order a sub, and pick it up for free the following day.”

9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer scored his second straight top-10 finish with a seventh in the STP 500. He is eighth in the points standings, 94 out of first.

“I think Tony Stewart is proud of my efforts as of late,” Bowyer said. “And I’m proud to be the guy that was given the opportunity to take over the No. 14 car. But let’s face it, I’ll never be able to truly fill Tony’s seat without 30-40 more pounds in my rear end. In the words of Tony’s long-time lead mechanic, also known as ‘Sir Fixalot,’ ‘Tony’s got back.’”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 25th at Martinsville, posting his worst finish of the season. However, he is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 89 behind Kyle Larson.

“I’m still pleased with my performance so far,” Blaney said. “If you would have told anyone before the season that Ryan Blaney would be seventh in the standings after Martinsville, they would have said ‘Who’s Ryan Blaney?’ And I would have told them, ‘I’m Dave Blaney’s son.’ And they would have said, ‘Who’s Dave Blaney?’ And that makes the Blaney’s a veritable ‘Who’s who?’ of stock car racing.”

April 4, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson survived four late restarts and pulled away for the win at Fontana, finally snatching a win after three consecutive runner-up finishes.

“It’s frustrating building a huge lead,” Larson said, “only to have it wiped out by a caution flag. Restarts are dangerous for a race leader, especially when there are four restarts. It’s times like those when it’s imperative to proceed with caution.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth in the Auto Club 400, posting his second top-five finish of the year.

“I regret not getting fresh tires on the final pit stop,” Truex said. “It’s not like we didn’t have the tires—we start with 11 sets. And I needed fresh tires to have any chance of catching Kyle Larson. So, I urged my crew chief to ‘burn rubber’ so I could ‘burn rubber.’”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski overcame damage in an early spin to finish second at Fontana.

“Kyle Larson was dominant,” Keselowski said. “He could pass cars at will and made it all look so easy. It was like it was ‘Target practice.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott led the Hendrick Motorsports charge at Fontana, finishing 10th. He is second in the points standings, 29 behind Kyle Larson.

“I hear Danica Patrick was critical of NASCAR’s reasoning for fining drivers,” Elliott said. “I tend to agree with her. I would say to NASCAR officials sitting smugly in their rules trailer, ‘You can’t have it both ways.’ But NASCAR’s rulings are so subjective, they need to be told, ‘You can’t have it three ways, or four ways.’ And let’s be honest, the only people having ‘three ways’ and ‘four ways’ in trailers are Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Auto Club 400 at Fontana, recording his second top five of the season.

“Kyle Busch and I raced each other cleanly all weekend at Fontana,” Logano said. “Thank goodness, because I don’t want any more of Kyle’s punches coming my way. As these three boring races out West can attest, one ‘West Coast swing’ is enough.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 13th at Fontana and is now ninth in the points standings, 106 out of first.

“Frankly,” Harvick said, “I’ve had enough of the West Coast and its smog. I’m ready to head back East, where we race at classic NASCAR tracks like Martinsville. As you know, aerodynamics don’t play much of a role on a half-mile track. So, those West Coast locations can keep their ‘dirty air.’”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished eighth at Fontana, posting his second top-10 finish of the year.

“I didn’t have one single run-in with Joey Logano,” Busch said. “And that’s exactly how I’d like it, because I prefer to have ‘no contact’ with him.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth at Fontana.

“That was a big win for Kyle Larson,” McMurray said. “But not as big as the oversized novelty pair of sunglasses he was wearing after the race. Kyle’s already a diminutive little fellow; with those giant shades on, I’d say he’s the second coming of ‘Slim Shady.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth in the Auto Club 400 and is now seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

“Kyle Larson was in a minor car accident after leaving Auto Club Speedway after the race,” Blaney said. “Luckily, Kyle walked away without a scratch, which isn’t that big of a surprise, because he was untouchable all day.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished third at Fontana, posting his first top-five result since the Bristol Night Race in 2015.

“I’m driving the No. 14 Stewart-Haas Racing car made famous by Tony Stewart,” Bowyer said. “Tony was known as much for his temper as he was for his driving skill, which led to the coining of the phrase, ‘Where there’s Smoke, there’s ire.’”

March 28, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson took the runner-up spot at Phoenix, finishing second for the third consecutive time this season.

“I’ve had more seconds than Jimmy Spencer at dinner,” Larson said. “But I don’t mind at all. Those finishes have put me atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings. So, if you say constantly finishing in the runner-up spot is a good thing, I’ll second that notion.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Phoenix, posting his third consecutive top-five result.

“My car failed the post-race inspection,” Keselowski said. “As a result, punishment is forthcoming. Ultimately, my crew chief Paul Wolfe will have to take the brunt of the fault. That makes him a ‘Wolfe in goat’s clothing.’”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: One week after dominating at Las Vegas, Truex finished 11th at Phoenix as Ryan Newman took the win.

“That was a great call by Newman not to pit,” Truex said. “That’s called ‘rolling the dice,’ and Newman rolled a ‘3’ and a ‘1.’ I’m not sure what game Kyle Busch was playing, but I could have sworn I heard him call ‘craps!’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano blew a tire and slammed the wall with six laps to go, opening the door for Ryan Newman to steal the win at Phoenix.

“I hate that my tire issue cost Kyle Busch the win,” Logano said. “But I can no more control a blown tire than Kyle can a blown gasket.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth in the Camping World 500 at Phoenix, bouncing back from a 38th at Las Vegas the previous week.

“Congratulations to Ryan Newman and Richard Childress Racing,” Harvick said. “Interestingly enough, I was the driver who replaced Newman at Stewart-Haas Racing when I left RCR. I guess the moral of the story is ‘Join RCR, win a race. Leave RCR, win a championship.’”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 25th at Phoenix.

“My brother Kyle was cruising to an easy victory,” Busch said. “Then Joey Logano wrecked, causing the caution that cost Kyle the win. All that just a week after Logano wrecked Kyle at Las Vegas, leading Kyle to take a swing. It seems NASCAR’s West Swing hasn’t been good for the Kyle-Joey relationship. Now we’re off to Fontana, where those two could take this West Coast feud to another level. I say they settle on the stage, with a microphone. My money’s on Kyle because Logano’s got a ‘bad rap.’”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch was cruising toward the win at Phoenix before Joey Logano blew a tire and smashed the wall, leading to a caution that allowed Ryan Newman to stay out and take the win. Busch eventually finished third,

“That’s two weeks in a row Logano has cost me the victory,” Busch said. “Doing it once was bad enough; doing it twice is egregious. I would say he’s just ‘piling on,’ or maybe that’s just his pit crew.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 106 laps at Phoenix before posting a 12th-place finish.

“It was a brutally hot day at the track,” Elliott said. “And even hotter if you were looking at the Monster Energy girls. They really know how to shake it. If you ask me how they’re doing, I would say ‘Everything is gyrate.’”

9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson posted his first top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Phoenix.

“We’ve struggled so far this season,” Johnson said. “We’ve haven’t been terrible, but we haven’t been good either. While Kyle Busch has made ‘Everything is great’ a popular saying, our catchphrase so far has been ‘Everything is okay.’”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman remained on the track after Joey Logano’s late crash, outsmarting Kyle Busch and other leaders to take the win in the Camping World 500.

“That was my first win in 127 races,” Newman said. “That’s a long time. They call me ‘Rocketman,’ because it takes about 3-4 years for me to ‘take off.’

“Here’s an interesting fact: no driver has won more than one pole this season. And that makes racing much safer for everyone because there’s not a single ‘bi-pole-r’ driver on the track now.”

March 21, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex dominated at Las Vegas, capturing the first two stages and passing Brad Keselowski’s slowing Ford with two laps to go. Truex scored the maximum 60 points, and is fourth in the points standings, five out of first.

“What does a car engine that sweeps all three stages of a Cup race sound like?” Truex said. “‘Broom! Broom!’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Las Vegas and appeared to be headed to victory before he slowed dramatically due to mechanical issues. He faded to fifth but leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“I’m not sure what happened,” Keselowski said. “All I know is my engine was like a Kyle Busch-Joey Logano fight—it lacked ‘punch.’”

3. Kyle Larson: Larson took the runner-up spot in the Kobalt Tools 400, posting his second top five of the year. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, one behind Brad Keselowski.

“I came close to winning again,” Larson said. “I’m really envious of Martin Truex Jr. and that giant wrench he was awarded as the winner. And that giant wrench is jealous of Kyle Busch and Joey Logano because they are bigger tools.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth after contact with Kyle Busch sent Busch’s No. 18 Toyota spinning into the infield. A furious Busch confronted Logano on pit road, but crew members separated them, although Busch was bloodied in the skirmish.

“Hopefully,” Logano said, “Kyle didn’t get any blood on his driving suit. I’m not sure laundry detergent will get that out, because what happens in Vegas stains in Vegas.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick blew his right front tire and slammed the wall on lap 68, ending his day at Las Vegas. He finished 38th.

“My day ended way too early,” Harvick said. “I’m surprised NASCAR officials didn’t penalize me for exiting the race too quickly.

“I was upset because it took medical personnel way too long to arrive on the scene of my accident. That’s unacceptable. So, one week after they ‘took my time,’ it appears they’re ‘taking their time.’”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 30th after a rough day at his home track at Las Vegas.

“I had to make an extended pit stop to replace my battery on lap 66,” Busch said. “And I was powerless to do anything about it.

“And speaking of dead batteries, how about my brother Kyle’s ‘charge’ at Joey Logano? Kyle just lost his mind there. But take it from me, when anger gets the best of a Busch brother, everyone else gets the worst of a Busch brother.”

7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 12th at Las Vegas, and has finished 12th or better in all three races this season. He is ninth in the points standings.

“Jimmie Johnson hasn’t posted a top-10 finish this season,” Kahne said. “Jimmie’s not one to whine about misfortune, but if he chooses to, he should do it in his trophy room.

“In any case, Jimmie’s quest for another championship is on, and he’s calling it ‘48 For Eight.’”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott took third at Las Vegas, scoring his second top five of the year.

“Kyle Busch went after Joey Logano and came away with bleeding,” Elliott said. ‘Sliced Bread,’ meet ‘Sliced Head.’

“As NASCAR fights go, that was one of the worst in history. Of course, Cale Yarborough and Donnie Allison’s brawl at Daytona in 1979 is at the top of the list. In fact, it occupies the top two spots, because that fight featured a good number of ‘one-two’s.’”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth in the Kobalt Tools 400, registering his second top-10 finish of the season.

“After the race,” Kenseth said, “someone said ‘I didn’t hit anything.’ That could have been either Joey Logano or Kyle Busch.

“I have to support my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate in this Logano-Busch situation. I’ve wanted to punch Logano for a long time. His face is punchable, and when your nickname is ‘Sliced Bread,’ a knuckle sandwich is often on the menu.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Las Vegas and is seventh in the points standings, 26 out of first.

“As you know,” Blaney said, “my father is Dave Blaney. I really have to thank my father for encouraging me to follow in his footsteps. Every Father’s Day, I’m grateful that Dave Blaney is my father, and even more grateful that Tom Logano is not.”

March 14, 2017