Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started from the pole at Atlanta and won the first two segments, but a late pit road speeding penalty cost him the victory.

    “I guess I should have backed off a little going down pit road,” Harvick said. “But I ‘pushed,’ and once again, Brad Keselowski was the recipient.

    “My wife DeLana was not happy with Austin Dillon for staying out and causing the caution, and she took to Twitter to voice her displeasure with the No. 3 team. Unfortunately, no amount of sad-face emojis will give me the victory.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski capitalized on Kevin Harvick’s speeding penalty and zoomed past Kyle Larson to win the Folds Of Honor Quik Trips 500.

    “Even while Harvick was dominating,” Keselowski said, “I kept my composure, then I proved I can come through under pressure when I passed Larson. Not to boast, but I’ve got a huge set of testicles. And do you know what holds a pair that large? A ‘Monster Cup.’”

    3. Kurt Busch: Coming off his career-defining win at Daytona, Busch finished seventh at Atlanta, and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Monster Energy is the new Cup sponsor,” Busch said, “and I’m proud to display the Monster logo all over my car. Heck, I don’t see the word ‘Monster’ used this much except in court filings against me.”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson led late at Atlanta, but was passed by Brad Keselowski with six laps to go and settled for the runner-up spot. Larson is sixth in the points standings.

    “I’ve had the lead late in the last three Cup races,” Larson said, “and didn’t win any of them. I keep asking myself ‘What happened?’ I don’t have an answer. Now, if you ask me ‘What happened?’ during the Atlanta race, I do have an answer. It’s ‘nothing.’That was one of the most uneventful races in NASCAR history. The only exciting action appeared on a NASCAR official’s timing device. Ask Harvick and he’ll tell you it was a ‘stop watch.’”

    5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne posted his second top 10 of the year with a fourth at Atlanta.

    “Kevin Harvick obviously had the best car in the Folds Of Honor QuikTrip 500,” Kahne said. “But the key words here are ‘QuikTrip,’ because Harvick was a little too fast heading down pit road. Honestly, I’m skeptical that Harvick was, in fact, speeding. I think NASCAR wanted a competitive end to a race that Harvick was easily dominating. In a sport in where you’re always looking for that extra mile per hour, NASCAR officials seem to be the best at finding it.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth in the Folds Of Honor QuikTrip 500 at Atlanta.

    “Congratulations to my Penske teammate Brad Keselowski,” Logano said. “That was a huge win, and Brad was very excited. You could hear it in his voice right after he took the checkered flag. If you were listening in on his radio feed, you probably didn’t need an FBI warrant to do so.”

    7. Chase Elliott: Elliott placed fifth at Atlanta for his second top-10 finish of the season, once again leading the Hendrick Motorsports charge along with teammate Kasey Kahne.

    “This was the first race of the season without Rob Gronkowski’s presence,” Elliott said. “But even if he’s not at the track, Rob will be there in spirit, because there’s a lap 69 in every race this year.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Atlanta in the No. 78 Furniture Row Toyota.

    “I think all drivers are pleased with the new points system,” Truex said. “Now, I’m not sure the fans feel the same way because it can be a bit complicated. But once you understand it, it’s simple. So, to NASCAR fans, I say ‘Do the math.’ And, to fans from Jeremy Mayfield’s hometown of Owensboro, Kentucky, I say ‘There’s an ‘A’ in ‘math,’ not an ‘E.’”

    9. Matt Kenseth: After a disappointing result at Daytona, Kenseth bounced back with a third at Atlanta.

    “I’m still getting used to not having Carl Edwards as a teammate,” Kenseth said. “Carl suddenly announced his retirement back in January and said he may have plans to win for political office. If Carl is ever elected, it will be the first time he’s won a race that mattered.”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 18th at Atlanta and is now eighth in the points standings.

    “They say speed runs in my family,” Blaney said. “If that’s true, let hope it skipped a generation because my father Dave didn’t win a single Cup race.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The notes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kurt Busch: Busch passed Kyle Larson on the final lap and won his first Daytona 500, finally snagging victory after three runner-up finishes.

    “Rob Gronkowski predicted I would win on Sunday,” Busch said. “And he was right. Gronk also correctly predicted that he would finish in the 69th position.

    “I thought after coming so close three times that I would never win. But I know more than anyone about putting your past behind you.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney captured second in a wild final lap at Daytona, as several front runners ran out of gas, while Kurt Busch took the win.

    “In case you didn’t know,” Blaney said, “my father is Dave Blaney. But I refuse to let that hold me back.”

    3. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger started 38th at Daytona and finished third for his best ever finish in the 500.

    “I think Monster Energy is a great new sponsor for the Cup series,” Allmendinger said. “I’ll say this for Monster Energy drink and the Monster Energy girls–they both have great cans.”

    4. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fourth at Daytona in the No. 43 Richard Petty Motorsports Ford.

    “I’m proud to represent the ‘King,” Almirola said. “But I’m not sure Richard would recognize the state of NASCAR today. Did you hear the language during Michael Waltrip’s ‘Grid Walk?’ I think the phrase ‘kick your ass’ was uttered at least three times. In the King’s day, when the term ‘kick your ass’ was uttered just three times, that meant Cale Yarborough and Donnie Allison were on speaking terms.”

    5. Paul Menard: Menard finished fifth at Daytona despite running out of gas on the last lap.

    “You saw a lot of drivers short on fuel,” Menard said. “Kurt Busch wasn’t one of them. And he certainly wasn’t short on Energy. Monster Energy, that is. Monster Energy is bringing excitement and unpredictability back to the sport. You could say they’re taking the sport back to its roots. They’re even delving into the moonshining business with a product called ‘Monster Mash.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano led 16 laps on his way to a sixth-place finish in the Daytona 500, and was one of four Fords in the top six.

    “I’m just happy I made it to the finish,” Logano said. “It was a crazy race, with lots of wrecks, and a new stage format that even has a green and white checkered flag. I believe it’s NASCAR’s way of adding some ‘color’ to the sport.”

    7. Michael Waltrip: Waltrip finished eighth in the Daytona 500, the top Toyota finisher in the field.

    “You probably saw the ‘Grid Walk’ I shared with Rob Gronkowski before the race,” Waltrip said. “I don’t think Gronk interviewed a single driver. He did, however, interview every single Monster Energy girl. I give Gronk kudos for his investigative journalism because he wanted to get to the bottom of each of them.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished seventh in the Daytona 500, giving Hendrick Motorsports its top finish on the day.

    “I’m often the overlooked driver at Hendrick Motorsports,” Kahne said. “But keep in mind, there’s a difference between the forgotten driver and the forgetting driver.”

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. was involved in a crash late in the race when he hit Kyle Busch. Dale is perfectly okay, though, and he’s still this sports most popular driver. And that means he’s selling more merchandise than any other driver. That’s not unusual, that’s just concession protocol.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson took the white flag in the lead at Daytona, but ran out of gas soon after, settling for a 12th-place finish.

    “I didn’t win,” Larson said, “but I’m happy I had a chance to win. So my disappointment is outweighed by my optimism. In other words, I’m a ‘glass half full’ guy even when I’m a ‘tank totally empty’ guy.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and led with three laps remaining before he ran out of gas. He finished 14th.

    “I’m awfully disappointed,” Elliott said. “I thought the No. 24 NAPA Chevrolet had the speed to hold off my competitors with ease. Honestly, I felt like I was ‘coasting.’ Unfortunately, I actually was coasting.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson held off Joey Logano on an overtime restart and won at Homestead, earning his seventh Sprint Cup championship.

    “First,” Johnson said, “I’d like to thank the most important woman in my life. That would be ‘Lady Luck.’

    “This race was called the ‘Ford EcoBoost 400.’ I get an ‘echo boost’ when I say ‘Sprint Cup champion,’ because I hear it repeated six times.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards was cruising to what appeared to be a championship run at Homestead before a caution flew with 15 laps to go. On the ensuing restart, Edwards dove low to block a charging Joey Logano and spun, first slamming the inside wall and then spinning back into traffic. Edwards’s day was done and his championship hopes were extinguished.

    “I was already visualizing my celebratory backflip,” Edwards said. “Instead of a landing stuck, however, it was disaster that struck.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth, and second to Jimmie Johnson in the championship race, in the Ford EcoBoost 400 at Homestead.

    “The wreck with 10 laps to go defined the outcome,” Logano said. “I had a good run on Carl Edwards and he blocked me, spinning himself and causing more wreckage. If I get by him clean, more than likely, I’m the Sprint Cup champion. That would have been my first, and at 23, I would be looking forward to many more Cups, particularly my third. After that, I would have been known as ‘Thrice’d Bread.’”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished ninth at Homestead, posting his 22nd top 10 of the year.

    “Congratulations to Jimmie Johnson,” Hamlin said. “He joins Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt Sr. as seven-time winners of the NASCAR championship. Jimmie is neither a ‘King’ nor an ‘Intimidator.’ Johnson’s much too humble to have such an audacious nickname. Me and the guys just call him ‘JJ,’ because he’s ‘Just Jimmie.’”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started seventh and finished seventh in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

    “Jimmie Johnson’s seventh Sprint Cup championship is truly an amazing feat,” Kenseth said. “And it also takes amazing fingers to indicate that many championships.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Homestead, behind championship contenders Jimmie Johnson, who won, and Joey Logano, who took fourth.

    “I really thought Carl Edwards was going to do it,” Busch said. “And I was right, because if you ask anyone about Sunday’s race, especially those on Logano’s team, they’ll say ‘he did it.’”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Homestead and finished third, recording his 17th top five of the season.

    “I’m known as ‘Happy,” Harvick said. “But after failing to have a chance to win the championship, friends and colleagues have said I don’t seem like myself. They tell me I’m ‘not Happy enough.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th at Homestead as Jimmie Johnson took the win and his seventh Sprint Cup championship.

    “Tony Stewart raced for the last time in Sprint Cup,” Busch said. “So, we may never see Tony in a Sprint Cup car ever again. I guess Tony’s ‘going away for a long time.’ But let’s be clear, Tony’s not going to jail.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was caught up in the Carl Edwards-Joey Logano mix up and finished 35th at Homestead, 11 laps down.

    “With no chance to win the championship,” Keselowski said, “I was really disinterested in putting forth my best effort. So, instead of being at Homestead, I would have rather best at home, instead.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was collected in a crash with 10 laps to go triggered when Carl Edwards tried to block Joey Logano on a restart. Truex’s No. 78 Toyota ended up in flames and he finished 36th.

    “I guess it’s fitting,” Truex said. “We started the Chase For The Cup ‘on fire,’ and ended it that way too.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 38th at Phoenix, 28 laps down, his day ruined by a penalty for passing the pit car during a pit stop.

    “That’s a penalty I really don’t understand,” Johnson said. “I think I’ll ask for some clarification from NASCAR. Then again, maybe I won’t. Getting a straight answer from NASCAR is ‘exhausting,’ because all they do is blow smoke up your behind.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Phoenix to qualify for the Chase finale based on points. Busch was involved in a late restart crash that knocked Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth out of the lead and cost him a spot in the final four at Homestead.

    “I’m happy to make the final,” Busch said, “but I feel terrible that I may have played a part in knocking Matt out. I hate to talk sponsors at a time like this, but it would be a great time for Mars to introduce a new ‘M&M’s Bittersweet’ product.”

    3. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 19th in the Can-Am 500. Edwards will join Jimmie Johnson, Joey Logano, and Kyle Busch at Homestead, where the Sprint Cup champion will be determined.

    “I’m happy for Kyle,” Edwards said, “But I really feel bad for Matt Kenseth. I’d like to comfort him by putting my arm around his neck. But it would be wise for me to be careful. There’s a fine line between a shoulder to cry on and a headlock.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano won the Can-Am 500 at Phoenix to secure his spot in the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “Ironically,” Logano said, “Matt Kenseth’s spin allowed me to win the race and advance to the finale. I guess the saying is true, ‘What goes around, comes around,’ especially when it’s the back end of Kenseth’s car.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Phoenix and failed to advance to the final round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I look at the Sprint Cup standings,” Hamlin said, “and I no longer see that ‘C’ by my name, indicating I’m ‘in the Chase.’ That means I’m on the outside looking in, and I don’t like what I ‘C.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth had victory in sight, and a spot in the Chase finale, before a caution led to a restart, where disaster struck. Kenseth was spun by Alex Bowman after Bowman and Kyle Busch made contact in Turn 1. Kenseth finished 21st.

    “And Joey Logano won instead of me,” Kenseth said. “I guess I deserved that. You could say I got my ‘just desserts in the desert.’”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Phoenix but was eliminated from contention for the Cup title at Homestead.

    “I’ve dominated at Phoenix over the years,” Harvick said, “but just didn’t have enough this time. We put ourselves in a hole early in the Chase and couldn’t recover, and we’re very sad about it. If you add ‘too little’ and ‘too late,’ you get ‘forlorn.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Needing a win to advance, Busch finished a disappointing fifth at Phoenix. Like Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick, Busch fell short in making the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “It’s very difficult,” Busch said, “starting a race while knowing you have no chance whatsoever of winning the Sprint Cup championship. I admire Danica Patrick because she manages that feeling 36 times a year.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th at Phoenix as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win.

    “I’ll do everything in my power to help Joey win the Sprint Cup championship,” Keselowski said. “I would go as far as saying I will accept ‘team orders’ to benefit Joey. In other words, if the team orders pizza, I’ll be happy to go pick it up.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 40th at Phoenix, 40 laps down, for his worst finish of the season.

    “Tony Stewart will race in Sprint Cup one last time at Homestead,” Truex said. “Tony’s passion for the sport will be missed, and so will his ornery behavior. Tony puts the ‘ass’ in ‘ambassador.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: With his place in the Chase finale set, Johnson cruised to an 11th place finish at Texas.

    “All I heard during race week was ‘Don’t mess with Texas,’” Johnson said. “Well, I was happy not to.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards beat martin Truex, Jr. out of the pits on the race’s final stop and was declared the winner when rain end the AAA Texas 500. Edwards joins Jimmie Johnson as qualifiers for the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “I decided to forgo my celebratory backflip,” Edwards said, “with the hopes I’ll be able to do it at Homestead. That’s a ‘flip-flop’ worthy of election season.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano led 178 of 293 laps at Texas and finished second.

    “We had to sit out a rain delay before the race,” Logano said. “A six-hour rain delay, to be exact. When there’s rain in the sky, and NASCAR fans have nothing to do but wait, you can be certain it was ‘pouring.’”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished ninth at Texas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Carl Edwards took the rain-shortened win.

    “Phoenix will be pressure-filled,” Hamlin said. “And pressure-packed. Nerves will be a factor. But I can tell you, every part of my body possesses the competitive spirit. Even my heart will be racing.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took seventh in the AAA Texas 500, and now sits one point behind Joey Logano among drivers who haven’t clinched a spot in the Chase For The Cup final round.

    “Congratulations to Carl Edwards,” Kenseth said. “One of the spoils of victory at Texas is a black cowboy hat. Take it from me, just because he’s wearing a black hat doesn’t make Carl a bad guy. Carl was a bad guy before he put on the hat.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch posted his 16th top-five finish with a fifth at Texas. Busch is tied with Joey Logano, one up on Matt Kenseth, and two ahead of Denny Hamlin.

    “Two spots for Homestead have been filled,” Busch said, “and two remain. Two plus two equals four. Let’s just hope that ‘4’ isn’t Kevin Harvick. Somehow, mysteriously, Harvick always seems to find a way to win at Phoenix. No one can ever catch him. In other words, he doesn’t ‘get caught.’”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Texas and will likely need a win at Phoenix to advance.

    “I’m extremely worried that I won’t advance to have a chance to win the Sprint Cup championship,” Harvick said. “You could say I’m a ‘wreck.’ Some drivers, noting my history of avoiding elimination, would say I’m a ‘wreck waiting to happen.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 20th, one lap down, in the AAA Texas 500, and now needs a win at Phoenix to be eligible for the championship at the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “My back is against the wall,” Busch said. “But it’s a familiar situation. Usually, that happens when a rival driver I’ve pissed off jacks me up.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened AAA Texas 500.

    “There’s been a lot of talk about concussions,” Keselowski said. “Actually, I think I’d like to have a concussion because there are a lot of recent memories I’d like to forget.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Texas, posting his eighth top five of the year.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. was pulled over for speeding while on his way to Texas Motor Speedway,” Truex said. “Let’s hope that this instance of Junior getting ‘clocked’ doesn’t cause a concussion.”

  • NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson recovered from left front damage to the No. 48 and stormed back to win the Goody’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville. Johnson qualified for the Chase For The Cup finale at Homestead on November 20.

    “That’s my ninth Martinsville win,” Johnson said. “Now, I’ve got nine grandfather clock trophies. That makes me the father of grandfather clocks.

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 48 laps and finished third at Martinsville.

    “I race hard at Martinsville,” Hamlin said. “And I think some drivers don’t like that about me. Jimmie Johnson was upset at how hard I raced him, and my Joe Gibbs teammates Matt Kenseth and Kyle Busch were also pissed at me. I can understand Johnson’s frustration, but not my whiny teammates. Trust me, for my teammates and I, there was a race lost, but there is no love lost.”

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 176 laps at Martinsville and finished fourth, posting his eighth top five of the year.

    “I famously wrecked Joey Logano last fall at Martinsville,” Kenseth said. “That gave the fans something to cheer for. I don’t know if they were necessarily my fans because I don’t think I have any fans.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Goody’s Fast Relief 500, recording his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “I’m still the defending Sprint Cup champion,” Busch said, “and I will remain that until someone pries it from my cold, dead hands. And here’s a Halloween reminder: M&M’s won’t melt in your mouth, and they definitely won’t melt in your cold, dead hands.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th in the Goody’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville.

    “I just wasn’t myself at Martinsville,” Harvick said. “You could say I was ‘Un-Happy.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Martinsville, posting his 13th top five of the season.

    “NASCAR needed 29 caution laps to sort out the field order after Carl Edwards hit the wall on lap 358,” Logano said. “I don’t know who NASCAR has in charge of this, but they must be out of the ‘loop.’”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 22nd, three laps down, at Martinsville, and likely will need a win at Texas or Phoenix to advance to the final Chase round.

    “Now that Halloween is over,” Busch said, “I think it’s safe to remove my costume because I’ve been masquerading as a Cup contender since the start of the Chase.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Martinsville in a bittersweet finish for the 2014 Sprint Cup champion.

    “After failing to qualify for the next round,” Keselowski said, “I’ve kind of been a little dejected and walking around in a daze. In other words, I’ve been ‘out of it.’

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Martinsville and finished seventh.

    “I’m out of the running for the Sprint Cup championship,” Truex said, “so I’ve been rendered a mere spectator. But I’m still right in the middle of the action. That makes now a perfect time to introduce Furniture Row’s ‘Best Seat In The House’ promotion, in which nothing is on sale because I want you to feel my disappointment.”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards blew a tire late at Martinsville and finished 36th, putting a serious damper on his championship hopes.

    “Obviously,” Edwards said, “tire wear was an issue. I think that right-front tire was worn completely. And I hate bald tires just as much as Sport Clips hates bald heads.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 23rd in the Hellman’s 500 and will head to Martinsville as the favorite to win the first race of the next round of the Chase.

    “Martinsville is one of my favorite tracks,” Johnson said. “I’ve got eight wins there, which means I’ve got eight grandfather clock trophies. Winning there to start the third round of the Chase would certainly be a ‘timely’ victory.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh in the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and is one of seven drivers moving on to the next round of the Chase.

    “You may have seen me take a swing inside Kurt Busch’s car after the race,” Harvick said. “That’s three years in a row in which I’ve been involved in some sort of controversy midway through the Chase. I guess it’s just that time of the month.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and just edged out Austin Dillon for the eighth and final spot in the third round of the Chase.

    “I beat Kurt Busch for third by a matter of feet,” Hamlin said. “To put it into words that I know Busch can understand, I ‘beat’ him by the length of Kevin Harvick’s arm.”

    4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home 28th at Talladega and will join his three Joe Gibbs Racing teammates in Round 3 of the Chase.

    “I’ve got to hand it to Joey Logano,” Kenseth said. “He really came through with the pressure on. I guess everything in his car was working to perfection, especially the ‘clutch.’”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 30th at Talladega and safely advanced to the next round of the Chase.

    “Our goal was simply to avoid disaster,” Busch said. “Going forward, ‘avoiding disaster’ may entail steering clear of any Stewart-Haas Racing driver. Tony Stewart, Kevin Harvick, and Kurt Busch all have anger issues. Their teammate Danica Patrick stays mentally grounded by doing yoga. That might help her teammates. But can you see Stewart, Harvick, and Busch doing yoga? That would be a stretch.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano survived a couple of late restarts to win the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and clinch his spot in the Round of 8 in the Chase.

    “With the race being the Hellman’s 500,” Logano said, “there was no champagne in victory circle, just mayonnaise. So, to celebrate, ‘Sliced Bread’ was covered by mayonnaise.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth in the Hellman’s 500, then had a controversial run-in with Stewart-Haas teammate Kevin Harvick, who took a swing at Busch while he sat in his No. 41 car after the race.

    “Much like a female government assassin,” Busch said, “Harvick ‘hits’ like a girl.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 29th at Talladega and qualified for the next round of the Chase on the virtue of points.

    “While we were racing at Talladega,” Edwards said, “the United States Grand Prix was taking place in Austin, Texas. There’s was a joke making the rounds in the Talladega infield. It goes like this: What do you call a thousand snooty Formula 1 fans? A ‘grand pricks.’”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski blew an engine on lap 144 at Talladega and failed to advance to the next round of the Chase. He finished 38th, 48 laps off the pace.

    “The grill of the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford was covered in trash,” Keselowski said. “I’m not sure if it was a hot dog wrapper, a paper towel, a napkin, or a tissue. But with this being Talladega, I can only tell you for sure that it was ‘white trash.’”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Talladega but blew his engine on lap 41, ruining his chance of advancing in the Chase For The Cup. He finished dead last in 40th.

    “We had a storybook season,” Truex said. “We just need to work on the ‘ending.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth at Kansas, posting his eighth top five of the year. Johnson leads the Sprint Cup points standings and has already clinched his spot in Round 3 of the Chase.

    “I’m looking forward to Talladega,” Johnson said. “Who doesn’t enjoy a nice, relaxing Sunday drive? Well, besides everyone but Kevin Harvick and I?”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick held off Carl Edwards over the final 30 laps at Kansas and went on to win the Hollywood Casino 400. Harvick advanced to Round 3 of the Chase For The Cup.

    “We’re standing behind the 8-ball,” Harvick said. “Then, as you would expect from the guy they call ‘The Closer,’ I won the race right on ‘cue.’”

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Kansas as Joe Gibbs Racing swept the top three spots in qualifying. Kenseth led 116 laps and finished ninth.

    “That’s 10 poles for Joe Gibbs Racing this season,” Kenseth said. “We’ve yet to win a Chase race so far. So that just goes to show, you can lead a horse to water, and JGR can lead a field to green, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can lead a field to checkered.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch powered to a fifth-place finish in the Hollywood Casino 400, recording his 14th top five of the year.

    “I love casinos,” Busch said. “And I love gambling anywhere except Talladega, where it doesn’t matter how many chips you have because the chips are going to fall where they may anyway.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 11th at Kansas and is now sixth in the points standings.

    “After five straight top sevens ,” Truex said, “I’ve had two finishes outside the top 10. I don’t think there’s really an explanation for it. I often lay in bed at night and try to determine the reasons behind what happens. But I often find myself asleep soon after. In an algebraic sense, it’s a matter of ‘Truex + y=z.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch came home 13th in the Hollywood Casino 400 and is well-positioned at fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I had to go to a backup car after spinning through the grass in practice,” Busch said. “So we started at the back of the field. I commend my crew for getting the backup car ready. They worked with the precision, diligence, and steely nerves you’d expect from a dedicated crew or a government assassin.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards took second to Kevin Harvick in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “Harvick got past me on the final restart,” Edwards said. “I thought I had a clear stranglehold on the lead, but Harvick had the grip, and much like the time I wrapped my hands around his neck in 2008, I did the ‘choking.’”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Kansas and is now eighth in the points standings, tied with Austin Dillon.

    “Kevin Harvick always seems to thrive in these must-win situations,” Logano said. “I don’t know how he does it, but he always seems to find more speed. I’m ‘Sliced Bread;’ he must be ‘Yeast Bread,’ because he rises to the occasion.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski got loose on lap 190 and slid up the track, where he was bumped by Denny Hamlin. Keselowski’s No. 2 Chevy slid through the infield grass, which heavily damaged the front of his car.

    “I believe we left a divot in the infield,” Keselowski said. “And keeping with the golf theme, I believe we’re out of mulligans.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin suffered several bad breaks at Kansas, including a broken splitter, a penalty in the pits for a loose tire, and a crash initiated by the loose car of Brad Keselowski. Hamlin still finished 15th and will likely need a win at Talladega to advance in the Chase.

    “We were tripped up,” Hamlin said, “by a string of bad luck.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson outdueled Matt Kenseth for the lead on a restart with 18 laps to go and went on to win the Bank Of America 500. Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet was the class of the field at Charlotte, leading 155 laps.

    “I want so bad to win my seventh Cup championship,” Johnson said. “I can assure everyone, fan and drivers alike, that I’m going to put all of my ability and energy into trying to make that happen. That makes me the greatest ‘try-athlete’ in the world.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth delivered a strong start to Round 2 of the Chase with a runner-up finish at Charlotte.

    “Hurricane Matthew wreaked havoc with the NASCAR schedule at Charlotte,” Kenseth said. “And it was certainly gusty during the race. I haven’t felt that much residual wind since I hung out in A.J. Allmendinger’s No. 47 Bush’s Beans hauler. In any case, ‘Hurricane Jimmie’ ‘blew’ right past me on the final restart.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh at Charlotte, posting his 21st top 10 of the season.

    “There was no controversy at Charlotte this time,” Keselowski said. “The only person that got ‘jumped’ at Charlotte was Martin Truex Jr. when he stalled his engine.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started seventh and finished 13th at Charlotte.

    “Our day could have been better,” Truex said, “but I stalled my engine during a late pit stop and lost track position. Well, so much for the proposed ‘Sitting Pretty’ line of recliners at Furniture Row.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Bank Of America 500, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth, who finished second, in the top 10.

    “Denny Hamlin’s blown engine on lap 309 was a nightmare for him,” Busch said, “but a dream come true for some drivers, like Kevin Harvick, who finished 38th. Could Harvick have had something to do with Hamlin’s engine failure? Who knows? All I know is this: if Harvick needs a wreck to advance and he’s on the track, you should look out for Harvick. Heck, and even if Harvick’s not on the track and he needs a miracle, someone’s ‘looking out’ for Harvick.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

    “We’re off to Kansas Motor Speedway for the next race in the Chase,” Busch said. “The pressure is on everyone to advance, and that pressure can play with your emotions. So, while we’ll be in the physical ‘state’ of Kansas, I have no idea what my mental ‘state’ will be.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Charlotte but experienced electrical issues that ended his day early. He finished 38th.

    “Frankly,” Harvick said, “I’m shocked that we had electrical issues. But I think it’s way too early to pull the plug on our championship hopes.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 12th at Charlotte on a day when several Chasers struggled.

    “A lot of drivers dug themselves holes,” Edwards said. “Such as Kevin Harvick, Joey Logano, and Denny Hamlin. There are by no means out of the running to advance to the next round, so I can only advise them to give it their all and continue to grind away. In other words, I hope those guys ‘keep digging.’”

    9. Joey Logano: Tire issues ruined Logano’s day at Charlotte after blown tires sent him into the wall on two occasions. He limped to a 36th-place finish.

    “We were doing so well in the Chase with three top-10 finishes,” Logano said. “Things were going right, but sometimes, things can go too right, like your steering wheel.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin lost his engine on lap 309 while running second. Hamlin finished 30th, 26 laps down.

    “Something broke,” Hamlin said. “It was most likely my spirit.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex dominated at Dover, leading 187 laps on his way to the win in the Citizen Soldiers 400. Truex has two wins in three Chase races and has emerged as a clear Cup favorite.

    “I talked with New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi earlier in the week,” Truex said. “We could have talked forever, but due to both our busy schedules, we had to cut it short. You could say we made it to ‘third base.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished fourth, leading seven laps.

    “Sadly,” Keselowski said, “Tony Stewart has been eliminated from the Chase. Tony finished 13th, but he needed some other drivers to have bad results. Unfortunately, and Ryan Newman can vouch for this, Tony didn’t get the help he needed.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 37th at Dover, his worst finish of the season after a broken track bar suffered early in the race sent him to the garage for repairs.

    “Luckily,” Harvick said, “I won at New Hampshire, so my spot in the next round of the Chase was secure. So, I didn’t have to cause a wreck to make it to the next round. A lot of drivers said I did that on purpose. Maybe I did. But I’m here to say I’m a changed man. My only ‘intent’ now is to win the Sprint Cup championship.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Dover, posting his 20th top 10 of the year.

    “Next up is Charlotte Motor Speedway,” Logano said. “Traditionally, we’ve seen a lot of mechanical failures at CMS. Not with the cars, mind you, but when we race there, all hell ‘breaks’ loose.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Dover and advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I visited the White House on Wednesday,” Busch said. “I was honored as the 2015 Sprint Cup champion. You know, I have a lot in common with President Obama. We’re both brothers, and we both take care of business in our own respective ‘Oval Office.’”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started seventh and finished ninth in the Citizen Soldier 400.

    “Martin Truex’s second win of the Chase solidified the notion that Toyota engines are the class of the field,” Hamlin said. “Can Toyota pull off another win when the Chase hits Charlotte? Without a doubt. If that happens, it would an instance of ‘easy, three-sy, Japanese-y.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home fifth at Dover as all four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers advanced to the next round of the Chase.

    “Now we’re on to Charlotte,” Kenseth said. “Two years ago there, I attacked Brad Keselowski after we tangled during the race. That’s what happens when the tension of the Chase builds: drivers butt heads. In most cases, drivers are butt heads.”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished seventh at Dover on a day when he had a car good enough to win. But a drive-through penalty accessed when his jackman jumped the wall too early cost him.

    “I think we were well on our way to a victory,” Johnson said, “but then my jackman ‘jumped to a conclusion.’”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 15th at Dover, two laps down, and punched his ticket to the next round of the Chase.

    “The XFINITY Series race was called the ‘Drive Sober 200,’” Busch said. “I think it’s great that NASCAR is encouraging people to drive sober. But this is NASCAR. I don’t think you’ll ever see the ‘Bring Your Cooler To The Race But Drive Sober 200.’”

    10. (tie) Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 14th, one lap down, in the Citizens Soldier 400 at Dover.

    “That was not my best performance,” Edwards said. “Dover’s ‘Monster Mile’ rendered me a ‘Monster Mild,’ which is also how most drivers, who dislike me but don’t hate me, would describe me.”

    10. (tie) Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his ninth top-five finish of the year with a third at Dover and advanced to Round 2 of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I’m the only rookie left in the Chase,” Elliott said. “And I’m devoted to becoming the first rookie to win the Cup. My slogan from here on is ‘Chase For The Cup,’ assuming it’s not already copyrighted.”