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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick passed Matt Kenseth with five laps left and took a pivotal win at New Hampshire, advancing to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “Our goal was to win the race,” Harvick said. “After a bad performance at Chicagoland, I knew we needed the victory to secure our spot in the next round. And I know exactly how to get in the right mindset to maximize performance. In addition to Brad Keselowski, I know how to ‘push’ myself, as well.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300 at Loudon. He is the leader in the Sprint Cup points standings by one over Martin Truex Jr.

    “The ‘Bad Boy Off Road 300,’” Keselowski said. “That’s ‘BBOR’ for short. So, for any fan who experienced that race, they just watched the ‘B-BOR-ed 300.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at New Hampshire, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “Kevin Harvick came on strong at the end,” Truex said. “I guess that’s why they call him the ‘Closer.’ Kevin may be a favorite to win the Sprint Cup, but he’s no one’s favorite. What he lacks in popularity, he makes up in talent. So that makes him the most talented driver in the world.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano came home 11th at New Hampshire and is now fifth in the points standings, 14 out of first.

    “Barring disaster,” Logano said, “I should advance to the Chase’s next round. So, barring a ‘Matt Kenseth meltdown,’ I should advance to Round 2.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third at New Hampshire, posting his third consecutive top-10 result, and is now third in the points standings.

    “After the next Chase race at Dover,” Busch said, “the Chase field will be trimmed to 12. ‘4’ is the number of drivers that will be eliminated. I’d like my chances more if the No. 4 car was eliminated.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 15th at New Hampshire, the lowest finisher among all Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

    “JGR has four cars in the Chase,” Hamlin said, “but we’ve yet to win a Chase race. I’m going to change that. I’ve made it my mission to win at Dover. So, you can say I’m in the ‘mission-ary’ position.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth dominated the second half of the Bad Boy Off Raod 300, but faltered on a restart with five laps to go, allowing Kevin Harvick to slip by and take the win.

    “That certainly was not my best restart,” Kenseth said. “Harvick laid back and got the jump. And, as Carl Edwards will tell you when somebody jumps, I flinch.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300, posting his seventh top five of the year. He is 11th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 20 out of first.

    “My ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll was accused of stealing from her charity,” Busch said. “It must take a lot of nerve, to be a government assassin and steal from your own charity.”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Loudon and led 31 laps on his way to a sixth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300. He is ninth in the points standings, 19 out of first.

    “That was my sixth pole of the season,” Edwards said. “So, much like former Cup champion Alan Kulwicki, I’ve taken a handful of ‘pole-ish’ victory laps.”

    10. (tie): Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth at New Hampshire and now sits eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 17 out of first.

    “I failed the post-race laser inspection at Chicagoland,” Johnson said. “I miss the good old days of NASCAR when I was winning championships and inspections were simply done with a fine-toothed comb.”

    10. (tie): Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 13th at New Hampshire and is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 19 out of first.

    “I’m in position to advance to the next round,” Elliott said. “I’m happy with my performance so far. I think I speak for myself, as well as any fan who meets me, when I say I’m happy with my ‘Chase experience.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stormed back from a flat tire that left him a lap down to win the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 at Chicagoland. The win automatically qualified him for Round 2 of The Chase For The Cup.

    “For the second consecutive race,” Truex said, “something became unraveled. This time, it wasn’t Tony Stewart.

    “On a sad note, my car failed the post-race laser inspection. And I have to question to accuracy of NASCAR’s lasers. And when I say ‘lasers,’ I’m sarcastically using air quotes à la Austin Powers Dr. Evil.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Chicagoland and is now second in the points standings, one behind Martin Truex, Jr.

    “Does a race sponsored by a television show called ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ really target the demographic NASCAR fans offer?” Keselowski said. “Maybe it does. NASCAR fans are not teenagers, or ninjas, or turtles, but they can often be classified as mutants.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took sixth in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 at Chicagoland, recording his 16th top-10 finish of the year.

    “You read right,” Hamlin said. “This race was named after a turtle movie. But who’s surprised? This sport is all about sponsorship, so, in short, NASCAR was a shill for ‘shell.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Chicagoland, joining his Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski, who finished fifth, in the top five.

    “I had a strong finish,” Logano said, “but more importantly, I didn’t run afoul of Matt Kenseth. But even more importantly, I didn’t run afowl of Ryan Newman. ‘Running a fowl’ of Newman means he calls you a ‘chicken.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a disappointing 20th at Chicagoland after falling a lap down early when an untimely caution came as he was preparing to pit under green.

    “I’m not sure there even needed to be a caution,” Harvick said. “There was a loose tire that came to rest in the infield. That tire was harmless, and a threat to no one, but it cost me. Just call it ‘burned rubber.’”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Chicagoland after rain washed out qualifying and finished ninth.

    “That’s a solid start to the Chase,” Busch said. “I have a title to defend, and that title is ‘2015 Sprint Cup Champion.’ My older brother Kurt has a title he reluctantly defends, and that title is ‘douchebag.’”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400, posting his 17th top 10 of the year.

    “The Tony Stewart-Ryan Newman feud is not over,” Busch said. “Newman still appears to be pissed. You know, Newman has a B.S. degree in engineering from Purdue University. And if Stewart, likewise, had a B.S. degree, Newman would be fine with it, because Ryan doesn’t take no ‘B.S.’ from anyone.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th at Chicagoland, the only Joe Gibbs Racing driver who failed to finish inside the top 10.

    “We just didn’t have it,” Edwards said. “I was on the outside looking in. What was I looking for? Answers, of course.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in his first career Chase For The Cup race.

    “I was on my way to the likely win until Michael McDowell blew a tire,” Elliott said. “That brought out the final caution, and that cost me the win. That just goes to show the fine line between winning and losing, and that is the moral of the story. In the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400, I lost by a ‘hare.’”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Chicagoland, his chances at a win ruined by a late pit road speeding penalty.

    “I’m pretty sure I wasn’t speeding,” Johnson said. “I know because I haven’t gone ‘too fast’ since I won my last Sprint Cup championship in 2012.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. is not in the Chase For The Cup. But that doesn’t mean he’s not relevant. Also relevant is his crew chief, because ‘Greg Ives Matters.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2006 points, six behind first place.

    “We were much better in the pits,” Harvick said. “Fortunately, our lug nuts were the only thing that was ‘screwed’ in the pits at Richmond.

    “Now, it would be negligent of me if I didn’t address the Ryan Newman-Tony Stewart issue. I’m employed by Tony, so you can guess where I stand. I guess what I’m saying is that lawyers aren’t the only people who defend Tony.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth in the Federated Auto Parts 400, posting his 12th top 10 of the year.

    “The action didn’t really start until Tony Stewart wrecked Ryan Newman, Keselowski said. “Newman then had some choice words for Stewart. If implied accusations of a 2014 incident are the measuring stick for Newman’s vitriol, then he absolutely murdered it, or at least manslaughtered it.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Richmond and dominated the closing laps to win the Federated Auto Parts400. It was his third win of the season.

    “I had to survive one final restart after a caution with three laps to go,” Hamlin said. “That was the last of 16 cautions on the night. After the race, I approached the flag stand and asked for the yellow flag and not the checkered flag.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch started ninth and finished ninth at Richmond. With four wins this year, Busch will start the Chase atop the standings alongside Brad Keselowski.

    “I wouldn’t be surprised if Brad or myself fall out of first after one race,” Busch said, “because neither of us can stand to be in the same place for very long.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2006 points, six out of the lead.

    “The No. 78 Toyota failed the post-race laser inspection,” Truex said. “You never want to fail an inspection right before the Chase For The Cup begins, because you’re likely to get ‘pointed’ in the wrong direction.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Richmond, logging his 18th top 10 of the year.

    “The Chase field is wide open,” Logano said. “You have household names, and you have some drivers who are not very well known. Let’s face it, when the Chase ends, you could hear the words ‘Chris Buescher’ and ‘2016 Sprint Cup champion,’ but probably not in the same sentence.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch led two laps and took eighth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond.

    “There were a whopping 16 caution flags during Saturday’s race,” Busch said. “That’s just about how many red flags go up when I’m on a date.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled at Richmond, finishing 32nd, 41 laps off the pace.

    “How about the Virginia Tech-Tennessee football game at Bristol Motor Speedway,” Edwards said, “There were over 156,000 people in attendance. Tire wear must have been an issue at Bristol because it was a blowout.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson recorded his third consecutive top-5 finish with a second at Richmond.

    “Tony Stewart has intentionally wrecked two drivers in two consecutive weeks,” Larson said. “First, it was Brian Scott. Then, it was Ryan Newman. But, at least he just wrecked them.”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Richmond, rebounding from a 33rd the previous week at Darlington.

    “I’m looking for No. 7,” Johnson said. “Based on my mediocre performance this season, most people say the only ‘No. 7’ I could find is Regan Smith.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole after qualifying was rained out and finished second at Darlington.

    “We faltered in the pits once again,” Harvick said. “We are losing so much time during pit stops, I understand the problem, this time, was a faulty air gun. Maybe it had trouble with lug nuts, but that gun had no problem shooting me in the foot.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski suffered a late loose wheel at Darlington and finished ninth. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “That was the second of two loose wheel incidents,” Keselowski said. “I haven’t seen this many problems with a wheel since the invention of the wheel.

    “On another disappointing note, I was docked 10 points for failing a post-race inspection at Michigan. But I guess I should have seen it coming because NASCAR officials told me it was time for a ‘10-point inspection.’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Bojangle’s Southern 500 at Darlington, posting his ninth top-five result of the season.

    “Bojangles is famous for its chicken,” Logano said. “Ryan Newman says I am too.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch started sixth at Darlington and finished 11th.

    “How about that fight after the Camping World Truck Series race between Cole Custer and John Hunter Nemechek?” Busch said. “Nemechek’s actions were cold-blooded; Custer’s response was Cole-blooded. I wouldn’t be surprised if NASCAR takes the victory away from Nemechek. If that happens, then the son of the man known as ‘Front Row Joe’ will be known as ‘Front Row No.’”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 28 laps and held off the hard-charging Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win the Bojangle’s Southern 500 at Darlington. It was Truex’s second win of the season.

    “Having Harvick chasing me only made me go faster,” Truex said. “Everyone knows, especially Brad Keselowski, that Harvick does his best ‘pushing’ when he’s behind you.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 13 laps and came home fourth in the Southern 500, registering his eighth top five of the year.

    “The Sprint Cup race lacked the exciting finish of the Camping World Truck Series race,” Hamlin said. “John Hunter Nemechek incited the ire of Cole Custer, and Custer responded with a flying takedown. I see a Bass Pro Shops promotion in the future for those two guys, because that’s textbook ‘bait and tackle.’”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch was wrecked with 40 laps to go at Darlington when Paul Menard’s lost control after his left-rear tire went flat. Menard slid up the track, sending Busch into the wall. Busch finished 34th.

    “I don’t blame Menard,” Busch said. “He was totally innocent. For me to blame him for the crash would be like someone accusing a girlfriend of being a hired assassin.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished a disappointing 19th at Darlington, the only Joe Gibbs Racing driver to finish outside the top 11.

    “Trust me,” Edwards said, “I know what it’s like to be an outsider. But that’s okay. When you’re an outsider at a NASCAR race, you have plenty of company, because porta-potties are known as ‘outsiders.’”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished sixth at Darlington, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin in the top 10.

    “I can certainly relate to Cole Custer,” Kenseth said. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to tackle a rival driver. But racing isn’t football. Sure, there are similarities, like ‘false starts’ and ‘interference’ and ‘helmets.’ But there is considerable diversity in the two sports, such as NASCAR’s lack of diversity.”

    10. Kyle Larson: One week after winning at Michigan, Larson was again strong at Darlington, leading 45 laps on his way to a third-place finish.

    “I’m brimming with confidence,” Larson said. “And, unlike Kevin Harvick, I have nothing but good things to say about my pit crew. While Harvick is critiquing at the wrong moment, I’m peaking at the right moment.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Michigan and maintained the lead in the Sprint Cup points standings. He leads second-place Brad Keselowski by 25 points.

    “Kyle Larson ran a great race,” Harvick said, “as did runner-up Chase Elliott. Those are two of the youngest drivers in NASCAR. Their combined age is 44. So, you could say ‘Youth was served’ on Sunday at Michigan, but not before ID’s were checked.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Michigan, posting his 11th top-five result of the season.

    “Recent wind tunnel testing showed that Fords are at an aerodynamic disadvantage to the Chevys and Toyotas,” Keselowski said. “Who cares? You know what I say to the wind tunnel engineers when the No. 2 Miller Lite is set for testing? ‘Blow me.’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Michigan and led 24 laps en route to a 10th-place finish.

    “That’s my second pole at Michigan this season,” Logano said. “This is amazing! Usually, when I hear the word ‘pole,’ it’s preceded by the word ‘bean.’”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered an early spin at Michigan and fell a lap down before eventually finishing 19th. He is sixth in the points standings, 103 out of first.

    “The No. 18 car got away from me,” Busch said, “much like the No. 5 car ‘got away from me’ when I was a young, stubborn pain in the butt with Hendrick Motorsports. But I’ve matured. Now, I’m an older, stubborn pain in the butt with Joe Gibbs Racing.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin qualified third and raced to a ninth-place finish at Michigan, posting his 13th top-10 result of the year.

    “Congratulation to Kyle Larson,” Hamlin said. “He has a ton of talent and is going to be challenging for wins for years to come. Kyle epitomizes the future of NASCAR because he’s white.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch took 12th in the Pure Michigan 400, joining Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick in the top 12.

    “Our other teammates, Tony Stewart and Danica Patrick, had mediocre days,” Busch said. “Danica hasn’t had a top-12 finish all year. She’s lucky she has a job, and she’s lucky that Tony is fond of her. There’s nothing that Tony likes more than a meal ticket, and that’s being a meal ticket.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards started ninth in the Pure Michigan 400 and finished seventh, two spots behind Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin in seventh.

    “Michigan’s two-mile D-shaped layout is a really fast track,” Edwards said. “Top speeds approached 220 miles per hour. That’s pure speed, and that’s certainly fitting in the Pure Michigan 400. Brooklyn, Michigan is proud to host this race, and I’m sure the town of Flint, Michigan would be proud to host the ‘Pure Water 400.’”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled to a 20th-place finish in the Pure Michigan 400.

    “The day belonged to Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott,” Truex said. “I never really was competitive. In the Furniture Row’s chair department parlance, I took a ‘back seat’ to those guys.”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started second and led 37 laps at Michigan on his way to a sixth-place finish.

    “We had a slow pit stop just past the midway point,” Johnson said. “That’s because the gas man had a problem getting the fuel in the tank. For this race, my gas man earned an octane rating of zero.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson passed Chase Elliott on a restart with nine laps remaining to capture the Pure Michigan 400 at Michigan International Speedway. The win secured a spot for Larson in the Chase For The Cup, which begins September 18 at Chicagoland.

    “I made Elliott my ‘Target,” Larson said, “and the Chase was on. That was a sponsor plug, a rival driver plug, and a plug for the NASCAR postseason in one sentence. I have truly arrived in this sport.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took the win in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race at Bristol. Harvick passed Denny Hamlin for the lead, and the rain returned soon after.

    “It took nearly 24 hours for me to claim the victory,” Harvick said. “That’s what’s called ‘weathering the storm.’ Afterward, I was showered with adulation. And this win, my second of the season, has ‘whet’ my appetite for more. And that, my friends, is the end of my watered down plays on words.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s No. 2 Penske Ford was collected in a wreck on lap 374 when Kurt Busch got loose and started a chain reaction wreck. Keselowski finished 33rd.

    “Kurt Busch took full responsibility,” Keselowski said, “but only for avenging his brother Kyle after I wrecked him on Friday night.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch dominated the early and middle portions of Sunday’s race at Bristol before a malfunction sent him spinning up the track, and subsequently rammed by the No. 46 car of Justin Allgaier. The damaged ended Busch’s day, and he finished 39th.

    “I called Allgaier and his spotter ‘morons,’” Busch said. “They were accused of incompetence. I was accused of being understated.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 19 laps at Bristol and finished third, posting his eighth top-five finish of the year. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 103 out of first.

    “I didn’t get the win,” Hamlin said, “but I’m certainly pleased with a third-place finish. Championships have been built on the strength of top-five finishes, so I’m happy to leave on that note. And, with all the rain we saw in Bristol, I’m riding on a wave of momentum.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Bristol, scoring his ninth top-10 finish in the last 11 races.

    “The Bristol race was jointly sponsored by Bass Pro Shops and the National Rifle Association,” Logano said. “Can you believe it? It’s a tale of water and guns that even an American Olympian in Brazil couldn’t make up.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch was battling for the lead on lap 374 when he got loose and spun, collecting and damaging several cars, including those of Brad Keselowski, Matt Kenseth, Jimmie Johnson, and Chase Elliott. Busch finished 38th.

    “I took full blame for the accident,” Busch said, “which is always difficult, because, in the Busch family, we make it a habit of not taking responsibility for our actions.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole for the fifth time this season and finished sixth in the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race at Bristol, which, due to rain, was run on Sunday.

    “They call me ‘Mr. Pole,’” Edwards said. “And by ‘they’ I don’t mean any of my ex-girlfriends. By ‘they,’ I mean the good folks over at Bass Pro Shops. They know poles. As for the National Rifle Association, they have a nickname for me as well. I win a lot of poles, but I don’t win them all. That’s why the NRA calls me ‘Semi-Automatic’ in qualifying.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd at Bristol, and is now eighth in the points standings, 123 out of first.

    “As you know,” Truex said, “Furniture Row Racing moved from Chevy power to Toyota to start the 2016 season. Not that we’d forget, but all the rain at Bristol reminded us that we’re under the Toyota/Joe Gibbs Racing umbrella.”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson bounced back from a 40th-place finish at Watkins Glen with a seventh at Bristol. He is ninth in the points standings, 150 out of first.

    “Weather definitely was a factor at Bristol,” Johnson said. “It reminded me a lot of the time after my six straight Sprint Cup championship when everyone was asking. ‘Who’ll stop the reign?’”

    10. Austin Dillon: Dillon raced to a fourth-place finish at Bristol, earning his fourth top five of the season. He moved up two places to 11th in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I think fans were happy to see the No. 3 car do well at Bristol,” Dillon said. “Personally, I felt empowered driving the car made famous by Dale Earnhardt. The only thing that could have my day better would have been putting the No. 3 into Victory Lane, or putting the No. 5 car into the wall. No offense to Terry Labonte.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started 12th and finished third after battling with Martin Truex Jr. on the final lap at Watkins Glen. Keselowski leads Sprint Cup points standings by nine over Kevin Harvick.

    “I didn’t mean to spin Truex,” Keselowski said, “so I plan on apologizing to Martin in person in the near future. And, as you would expect for a personal apology to take place, you have to ‘make contact.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, posting his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “Brad Keselowski and myself were battling so hard for the lead late in the race,” Busch said, “that we allowed Denny Hamlin to pass us both for the lead. Finally, something Brad and I can agree on.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s day at Watkins Glen came to a halt six laps from the end when he was involved in a crash with Chris Buescher and David Ragan. Harvick finished 32nd

    “The No. 4 Busch Chevrolet was fast,” Harvick said, “but I got collected in a crash that caused serious damage. So, instead of heading to the mountains of Busch, I headed straight to the garage.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, holding off a hard-charging Martin Truex Jr. down the stretch.

    “As you may recall,” Hamlin said, “I let Tony Stewart win at Sonoma’s road course earlier this season. That wasn’t going to happen at Watkins Glen, no matter how bad Tony needed a win. What I said to Tony is something someone should have said to him long ago—‘no free lunches.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Watkins Glen, one day after winning Saturday’s XFINITY Series race.

    “I was so close to completing the weekend sweep,” Logano said. “Sadly, it wasn’t to be. I couldn’t bring the ‘broom,’ but I did bring the broom handle, which would be my skinny body. But I’ll put my abilities up against anyone in this sport. It just goes to show that you can be a heavyweight and a lightweight at the same time.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th in the Cheez-It 355, just missing out on his 17th top-10 finish of the year.

    “Road course racing really tests your braking ability,” Busch said. “You have to know exactly how hard you can brake without causing a mechanical failure. I should know, because I’ve pushed hundreds of cars, and even more people, to the ‘braking’ point.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Watkins Glen and led 25 laps on his way to a 15th in the Cheez-It 355.

    “That’s two poles at road courses this season,” Edwards said. “That’s two more than wins I have at road course races this year. If you give me one lap to dominate on a road course, it most definitely won’t be the last lap.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stalked Denny Hamlin over the closing laps at Watkins Glen before he was spun by Brad Keselowski. Truex finished eighth and is now eighth in the points standings,

    “I was initially upset with Brad,” Truex said. “You could see that after the race. During the ‘cool down’ lap, I was hot, and Brad was ‘not cool.’

    “But I later realized it was just what is known as a ‘racing incident.’ So, if I happen to wreck Brad sometime later this year, just chalk it up to ‘incidental’ contact.”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a number of penalties before his day ended abruptly when he slammed into Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s spinning No. 17 car in a lap 53 crash.

    “It’s a day I’d like to forget,” Johnson said. “But I think it’s a really bad time to wish for ‘memory loss.’”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart took fifth in the Cheez-It 355, posting his fifth top five of the season. Stewart is 26th in the points standings.

    “There were ‘Cheez-It’ billboards all over the Watkins Glen complex,” Stewart said. “And ‘Cheez-It’ was all over Greg Biffle’s No. 16 car. So, like one would expect, a NASCAR race was full of ‘crackers.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Pennsylvania 400 at Pocono as Chris Buescher took the unlikely win.

    “It was an unlikely win by Buescher,” Keselowski said. “And I was the ‘unlikeliest,’ because no one ‘unliked’ it more than me since I finished second.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch led one lap and finished ninth at Pocono, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “This day was all about Chris Buescher,” Busch said. “I’m not sure he realizes the magnitude of his victory. Despite the rain, it’s still going to take a while to soak in.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home fourth in the rain-shortened Pennsylvania 400, recording his ninth top-five result of the year.

    “I was without my crew chief Rodney Childers,” Harvick said. “He was suspended for the race for a lug nut violation. The lug nut issue wasn’t a big deal until Tony Stewart made it one. So, that’s just one more thing that Tony will get blamed for, and I hold him responsible for damages. Whether or not he accepts blame is another question entirely.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano was wrecked by Chase Elliott when Elliott got loose in the Tunnel Turn and collected Logano’s No. 22 Penske Racing Ford. Logano finished 37th, 23 laps off the pace.

    “I never thought I’d be wrecked by Chase Elliott,” Logano said. “But, if you get dangerously close to a certain rookie, driver, I suppose you become ‘Chase eligible.’”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th at Pocono, one spot behind younger brother Kyle, in Monday’s Pennsylvania 400.

    “I’m not exactly sure if anyone knows how to pronounce ‘Buescher,’” Busch said. “Luckily, we’ll only have to say it once, because this is probably the last you’ll hear of him.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Pocono, as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three cars in the top 10.

    “This may be the greatest upset in NASCAR history,” Edwards said. “Buescher is a 22-year-old rookie who just outsmarted a field comprised mostly of veterans to pull off an unlikely win. Often, the outcome at Pocono is decided by fuel mileage. This year, it was all about suspension, because Buescher’s win was a ‘shock.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started from the pole at Pocono and saw his day sour early when he blew a tire and hit the wall on lap 20.

    “Chris Buescher has the weather to thank for the win,” Truex said. “Ironically, it still rained on his parade.”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 16th at Pocono and has now gone 16 races since his last win.

    “That means Chris Buescher has more wins this year than me,” Johnson said, “as well as the same number of championships as me in the last five years. But luckily, I have six Sprint Cup championships to fall back on. Ironically, no one’s talked about the ‘Fall Of Jimmie Johnson’ since my last championship in autumn of 2010.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Pocono as rookie Chris Buescher won his first career Sprint Cup win.

    “Buescher may have just driven himself into the Chase,” Hamlin said. “More than likely, though, this may be his one moment of glory. But let’s face it. He had lots of help, like rain and the onset of darkness. So, if he wants to thank his ‘family,’ he should thank Mother Nature and Father Time.”

    10. Chris Buescher: Buescher won the Pennsylvania 400 by holding off on a pit stop as weather approached. NASCAR called the race with 22 laps remaining, giving Buescher his first Sprint Cup victory.

    “I have to thank the rain,” Buescher said, “as well as each and every cloud in the Pennsylvania sky, particularly Cloud 9, which is the one I’m on.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was collected in a lap 154 crash started when Carl Edwards got loose on a restart. Keselowski was able to stay on the lead lap, however, and finished 17th.

    “That accident was about the only excitement on Sunday,” Keselowski said. “I doubt the presence of ‘Mr. Excitement’ himself, Jimmy Spencer, could have improved things unless Kurt Busch’s face could also have been present.

    “It was brutally hot during the race. I heard there were several fans overcome by heat, and even more overcome by sheer boredom.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Indianapolis and led 149 of 170 laps in winning the Combat Wounded Coalition 400. It was Busch’s third win of the season.

    “The No. 18 Skittles Toyota was fast,” Busch said. “My opponents couldn’t see the rainbow, much less taste it.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Indianapolis, recording his 15th top 10 of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 14 over Brad Keselowski.

    “It was a bittersweet day for me,” Harvick said. “I had a great result, but Tony Stewart took his final lap around Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Fittingly, Tony puts the ‘round’ in ‘last go-round.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at Indianapolis, posting his 12th top 10 of the year.

    “It was a hot day at the Brickyard,” Logano said. “It was sweltering. Temperatures were approaching the hundreds, as was attendance.”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 16th at Indianapolis as younger brother Kyle won for the second straight year.

    “Kyle has won the last two Sprint Cup races at Indianapolis,” Busch said, “and he also won Saturday’s XFINITY race at the Brickyard. He’s made it a habit of kissing the bricks. I don’t know what it’s like to kiss a brick, but my girlfriends do.

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards got loose and slammed the wall on lap 154, taking out several cars in the process, and damaging his No. 19 Stanley Tools Toyota beyond repair. He finished 35th.

    “That accident was my fault,” Edwards said. “Of course, this isn’t the first time a prominent driver of the No. 19 has pleaded guilty. In my defense, though, I’m not doing meth.”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth in the Combat Wounded Coalition 400, scoring his ninth top 10 of the year.

    “I recently visited Furniture Row warehouse facilities,” Truex said, “and it reminded me of the grandstands at Indianapolis because there was nothing but empty seats.”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overcame a pit road speeding penalty and finished third at Indianapolis, posting his first top-five finish in the last eight races.

    “I got caught going faster than the law allows,” Johnson said. “That sounds like a quote from Kyle Busch.

    “Jeff Gordon filled in for Dale Earnhardt Jr. and did a mighty fine job. It was strange seeing Jeff in the No. 88 car. That’s because it’s strange seeing a Sprint Cup champion in the No. 88 car.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished second in the Combat Wounded Coalition 400, as Joe Gibbs Racing drivers captured three of the top four positions.

    “It was a great day for JGR,” Kenseth said, “and Japanese engine-makers. I think the Fords and Chevys knew they couldn’t compete, and they weren’t sure why. That left them ‘dis-Oriented.’

    10. Denny Hamlin: Denny Hamlin finished third at Indianapolis, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Kyle Busch and Matt Kenseth in the top four.

    “My good friend Tony Stewart said it was special taking one last lap around Indy with Jeff Gordon after the checkered flew,” Hamlin said. “And their embrace afterwards was equally as special. I think everyone who hugs Tony would agree on two things: 1) it is special, and 2) there’s no way I can wrap my arms all the way around Tony.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at New Hampshire, as handling issues derailed his chances for a third consecutive win.

    “The No. 2 Miller Lite car wasn’t at its best,” Keselowski said. “That’s opposed to the previous two weeks when it was Lite years ahead of the field.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth in the New Hampshire 301 as Matt Kenseth won. Harvick leads the Sprint Cup points standings with a 14-point cushion over Brad Keselowski.

    “We had one of the fastest cars,” Harvick said, “but we blew it during pit stops. Unfortunately, that’s become too often an occurrence. It seems like every time I make a pit stop, it’s a drive-through penalty. But I don’t want to name names, mostly because I don’t even know any of their names.

    “As far as speed goes, the No. 4 Jimmy Johns car is ‘freaky fast.’ As far as speed in the pits goes, the No. 4 Jimmy Johns pit crew is ‘freaky last.’”

    3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 22nd at New Hampshire, with a likely top-10 run soured by late contact that resulted in a rear tire rub.

    “It’s never a good thing when you radio your crew chief to say you’ve got tire rub,” Busch said. “That’s a story no one likes to tell. If I had to make it in book form, it would be a work of friction.’”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 20th after an accident with Ryan Newman caused a spin and cost Edwards hard-earned track position.

    “Congratulations to Matt Kenseth,” Edwards said. “I think he’ll enjoy that giant lobster given to the winner. They certainly have one thing in common—they’ll both soon be in hot water.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at New Hampshire, posting his eighth top five of the season. He is fifth in the points standings, 65 out of first.

    “Matt Kenseth ran the perfect race,” Logano said. “I think everyone would give him two thumbs up, except for NASCAR inspectors.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took the lead with 29 laps to go and maintained it through three subsequent restarts to win the New Hampshire 301, his second win of the year.

    “Unfortunately,” Kenseth said, “my car failed a post-race laser inspection. On the flip side, 39 other cars passed the post-race loser inspection.

    “But I’m not worried about failing inspection. When all is said and done, I’ll still have the win. So everything will be ‘fine.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a broken shifter midway through the race on Sunday and finished 16th, and is now seventh in the points standings, 96 out of first.

    “My shifter handle fell off,” Truex said, “and the car got stuck in fourth gear. And then I had to make an unscheduled pit stop, which pretty much ruined my chances of winning. Broken shifters suck. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. So, if you think my shift don’t stink, you are incorrect.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished eighth in the New Hampshire 301, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year. He is sixth in the points standings, 80 out of first.

    “Joe Gibbs racing drivers have won eight races this season,” Busch said, “and passed post-race inspections in all but one of those instances. That’s the definition of success, not failure. I’m not sure what part of Matt Kenseth’s car failed inspection, but it was detected via the use of a laser. I think lasers are great for NASCAR. That’s just one more thing, in addition to fans, that can get ‘lit’ at a NASCAR race.”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at New Hampshire, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. missed the race due to concussion-like symptoms,” Johnson said. “So Sunday was a day of mourning for the people of Junior Nation. Of course, Junior fans needed some clarification on exactly what a ‘day of mourning’ is. To most of them, ‘day of mourning describes’ a restaurant that serves all-day breakfast.”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart chased Matt Kenseth to the finish at New Hampshire and score the runner-up finish, his second consecutive top five.

    “There was no catching Kenseth,” Stewart said. “He drove a near flawless race. I say ‘nearly’ flawless because there’s one thing he could have done to make it a totally flawless race, and that’s wreck Joey Logano.”