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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won for the fourth time this year, and second time consecutively, with the victory in the Quaker State 400.

“That’s ‘2’ in a row,” Keselowski said. “I saved just enough fuel to make it to the finish line for my fourth win this year. That’s more than any other driver. But I’m not done yet. Trust me, I’ve got more left in the tank.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Kentucky and finished ninth, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

“I led the most laps,” Harvick said, “and I had one of the strongest cars. I should have won, but I didn’t. Now I know what Richard Childress felt like in 2013 because I ‘let one slip away.’”

3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth in the Quaker State 400, recording his sixth top-five finish of the year. He is third in the points standings, 16 behind Kevin Harvick.

“There was a truck in the parking lot that caught fire during the race,” Busch said. “It was quite a spectacle. But there was ‘Smoke’ rising on the track as well; Tony Stewart finished fifth. And speaking of ‘finished fifths,’ there were a lot of empty bottles of bourbon littering the Kentucky Speedway infield. So, consider the sorrows of Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans drowned.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards closed the gap on Brad Keselowski in the closing stages at Kentucky, but Keselowski had just enough fuel to hold him off. Edwards settled for the runner-up spot and is now fourth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

“I got all up on Keselowski’s bumper,” Edwards said. “Brad should consider himself lucky, because most drivers, like Matt Kenseth and Kevin Harvick, are used to me getting all up in their grill.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano blew a right-front tire early in the race at Kentucky and slammed the wall hard, severely crippling his No. 22 Penske Ford. Logano limped home with a finish of 39th.

“That was the hardest hit I’ve experienced in a long time,” Logano said. “Ryan Newman once threatened to hit me that hard.

“My teammate Brad Keselowski took the win with a perfect fuel mileage strategy. He saved fuel to the point where he didn’t even have enough to do a victory burnout. Now that’s what I call taking fuel mileage strategy to the extreme.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s sights on a win at Kentucky came crashing down when he was penalized for an illegal pass on pit road during a late caution. He eventually finished 10th.

“NASCAR officials tell me it’s illegal to pass on the inside on pit road,” Truex said. “That pretty much ended my run to the front. You could say I had a ‘transmission” problem because I got ‘drive shafted.’”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch, who won at Kentucky last year, finished 12th in the Quaker State 400.

“The finish to the race was very exciting,” Busch said, “with Carl Edwards chasing Brad Keselowski. But the real action was in the parking lot, where a truck caught on fire. Apparently, emergency responders pulled a person out of the truck. So, it seems the truck wasn’t the only thing ‘smoking.’”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered an early spin at Kentucky and smashed the wall exiting Turn 4, leading to a long night in the Quaker State 400. He eventually finished 32nd, 59 laps down.

“I just got loose,” Johnson said. “The lower downforce package the cars are running make them hard to handle. But it’s no surprise grip is an issue with me. I won my last Sprint Cup championship in 2010, and things have been ‘slipping’ since then.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott was clipped by Ryan Blaney’s spin early in the race and limped home with a 31st at Kentucky.

“I don’t fault Ryan for the accident,” Elliott said. “He comes from a reputable family, so I’m reluctant to throw blame around. Much like his father Dave, Ryan’s ‘done nothing’ in this sport.”

10. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished fifth in the Quaker State 400, earning his second top-five of the year.

“I’ve already got a win this season,” Stewart said. “The Chase format tells me I need to keep an eye on the top 30. My waist size tells me I need to keep an eye on the ‘bottom 50.’”

July 12, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 115 of 161 laps and won the Coke 400, his first ever Sprint Cup win at Daytona. He is now second in the Sprint Cup points standings, only 14 behind Kevin Harvick.

“That was my first win at Daytona,” Keselowski said, “and was made all the more satisfying because I held off both Kurt Busch and Kyle Busch. Therefore, after the race, it was a case of ‘sibling revelry.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was caught in an accident with 70 laps left, and limped home to a 39th-place finish, his worst of the year. He still holds the lead in the points standings, with a 14-point lead over Brad Keselowski.

“That was a scary accident,” Harvick said. “I rammed into the back of Brian Scott’s No. 44 car and his car was briefly riding on top of mine. I’ve been known to carry a team, but never an opponent.”

3. Kurt Busch: Busch was running third into the final corner before spinning through the infield grass after Joey Logano made contact with Busch’s No. 41 Chevrolet. He finished a disappointing 23rd,

“I’m not sure what Logano was thinking,” Busch said. “I don’t think he was thinking. In other words, there was nothing going through his mind, so the best course of action is for me to knock some sense into him. Suffice it to say Logano is in my crosshairs, which, some to think of it, makes me a perfect match for a female assassin.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano helped push Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski to the win at Daytona and finished fourth in the Coke Zero 400.

“I would have liked to win,” Logano said, “but I’m satisfied with my finish. Any ‘Fourth Of July’ is worth celebrating.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch chased Brad Keselowski late at Daytona, searching for any chance to pass for the win. Keselowski was able to defend his position well, and Busch settled for the runner-up spot.

“Keselowski’s No. 2 got a serious push from Joey Logano,” Busch said. “I haven’t heard of a ‘boost’ like that since they found jet fuel in the Michael Waltrip Racing cars.”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards started second at Daytona and led eight laps before a series of accidents left him with a 25th-place finish. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 58 out of first.

“The No. 19 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota suffered a lot of damage,” Edwards said. “You could say it ‘hit more walls’ than a minority driver in NASCAR.”

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was one of 22 cars involved in a big wreck just past the halfway point at Daytona. Jamie McMurray and Kyle Larson made contact, and Johnson slammed into McMurray.

“I would say McMurray is at fault for the accident,” Johnson said. “Just look at his car number; it says he’s ‘The Big 1.’”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott was one of several cars collected in a huge pileup just past the halfway point at Daytona. He eventually finished 32nd, 48 laps off the pace.

“There were 22 cars involved in that accident, to be exact,” Elliott said. “And that resulted in a lot of damage. July 4th may be Independence Day, but July 2nd was ‘Indepen-dents Day.’

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th in the Coke Zero 400, one week after his runner-up finish to Tony Stewart at Sonoma.

“I’ve experienced the highs and lows of racing this year,” Hamlin said. “I won February’s Daytona 500 by one the slimmest of margins in NASCAR racing history, and lost two weeks ago t Sonoma to one of the fattest of drivers.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 29th at Daytona after suffering damage in a big accident just past the halfway point. He is seventh in the points standings, 83 out of first.

“That wreck affected 22 cars,” Truex said. “It seems that Jamie McMurray ordered ‘takeout.’ I guess, ironically, it was his lucky day, because everyone else had to pay for it.”

July 5, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 25th and finished sixth at Sonoma as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Tony Stewart grabbed the win.

“Tony is a legend in the garage,” Harvick said, “as well as the kitchen. I’m proud to say I work for Tony. In other words, I’m on his payroll. And that roll is just one of many belonging to Tony.

“How about that fight after the Camping World Truck series race on Saturday? It was a lot like a fight involving Sprint Cup drivers, just with punches.”

2. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, posting his series-best 13th top 10 of the year. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 30 behind Kevin Harvick.

“You probably saw a lot of people run over to Tony’s car in Victory Lane,” Busch said. “That wasn’t to congratulate him; it just takes that many people to pull Tony out of his car.”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 and finished fourth as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three drivers in the top 10.

“There was an all-out brawl after Saturday night’s Camping World Truck Series race,” Edwards said. “John Wes Townley and Spencer Gallagher wrestled and slugged it out after crashing. I think it’s great for the sport. To those drivers, I say ‘Keep on Truckin’!’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Sonoma and is now fourth in the points standings, 56 out of first.

“Cheers to Tony Stewart,” Keselowski said. “What a great win for him. He’s a legend in this sport. In fact, you could say Tony puts the ‘ass’ in ‘ambassador.’

“As you probably heard, Jeff Gordon and I sat down to talk about our recent disagreement. I guess we came to some sort of agreement. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to speak my mind. As everyone knows, I’m just as mouthy as I am ‘gummy.’”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch joined Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Denny Hamlin and Carl Edwards in the top 10 with a seventh-place finish in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

“I hit a jackrabbit during Friday’s practice,” Busch said. “That was the worst case of wheel hop I’ve ever seen. Luckily, the collision didn’t cause much damage, at least to my car. Sure, the handling was off a little, but just by a ‘hare.’”

6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 13th at Sonoma as 45-year-old Tony Stewart took the win, his first since 2013.

“I think everybody is happy that Tony won,” Johnson said. “Ironically, the only way that everybody can be happy is if Tony wins, because Tony’s never happy otherwise.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Sonoma, posting his fifth top-five result of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 71 out of first.

“I had a great view of the Tony Stewart-Denny Hamlin battle for the win,” Logano said. “I think everyone was pulling for Tony to win, especially Hamlin.

“But Tony’s win is great for NASCAR. The fans loved it. If there’s one thing Tony does well, it’s fill the stands. If there’s one thing Tony does better, it’s fill a seat.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled in his first Sprint Cup race at Sonoma, finishing 21st.

“Jeff Gordon says he’s interested in joining ‘Live’ with Kelly Ripa,” Elliott said. “I think it’s a great idea. If he gets the job, I think his first order of business should be doing a sit-down interview with Brad Keselowski. Jeff probably has other ideas; specifically, a ‘sit-down, shut-up’ interview with Keselowski.

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished second at Sonoma after battling former teammate Tony Stewart down the stretch. It was Hamlin’s fifth top-five finish of the year.

“There are those that say I ‘let’ Tony win,” Hamlin said. “That my mistake in the final corner was intentional. People ask me, ‘Did you do that on purpose?’ The only thing I can say to that is, ‘For Christ’s sake, don’t ask Tony that question!’”

10. Tony Stewart: Stewart passed Denny Hamlin on the final corner, just seconds after Hamlin passed him, to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

“I snapped an 84-race winless drought,” Stewart said. “That a long time to go without a win. It’s the same feeling I get when I step on my bathroom scale because the ‘weight’ is over.”

June 28, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kurt Busch: Busch stretched his fuel mileage at Pocono and came away with the win, his first victory of the year.

“The race was called the ‘Axalta We Paint Winners 400,’,eight” Busch said. “At least for me. For 39 other drivers, it was called the ‘Axalta We Ain’t Winners 400.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Pocono, posting his 11th top-10 finish of the year.

“I lead second-place Kurt Busch by a whopping 25 points in the Sprint Cup points standings,” Harvick said. “You could say I ‘sit’ atop the standings, and I’m the only one that can say that. In fact, I’ve led the points standings for quite a while. So, I’ve been ‘sitting’ there for quite a while, so much so that my fellow competitors are often heard referring to me as ‘Can’t Stand Kevin Harvick.’”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Pocono and finished third, as Kurt Busch held off Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Keselowski at the finish.

“I don’t appreciate Jeff Gordon’s comments during Monday’s race,” Keselowski said. “I expect Gordon to be impartial. In others words, he should hate everyone as much as he hates me.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards finieighthat Pocono, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth, who finished seventh, in the top 10.

“I’d rather not finish behind Kenseth,” Edwards said. “I’d much rather confront him.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 31st at Pocono, 10 laps down, his day hindered by a brush with Pocono’s Turn 1 wall. It was his second straight finish outside the top 30.

“I’m in sort of a slump right now,” Busch said, “but waiting out the weather delay on Sunday gave me time to reflect on the good things. There’s nothing like a little precipitation to remind you that you’re the ‘raining’ champion.”

6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson wrecked late while making an aggressive move to the inside of Casey Mears with 38 laps to go. He slammed the inside wall hard and eventually finished 35th, 35 laps down.

“I checked with my teammate Chase Elliott,” Johnson said, “and he verified what I feared: I made a rookie mistake.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano started second on the front row beside pole winner and Penske teammate Brad Keselowski and took fifth in the Axalta We Paint Winners 400.

“I’m not sure what Axalta is,” Logano said, “or why they would be painting winners. But rest assured, this is NASCAR. If Axalta is indeed painting winners, one color they won’t be using is black.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott recorded his fifth top 5 of the year with a fourth at Pocono. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 77 out of first.

“I had a chance to win,” Elliott said, “but I made an ill-advised attempt to pass Dale Earnhardt, Jr. late in the race. I guess I need to be more patient, but what race car driver worth his salt likes to be asked ‘What’s your hurry?’”

9. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex, one of the pre-race favorites, was done in by two mishaps, one on accident on pit road, the other a late flat tire.

“For the single car team,” Truex said, “that was you call a ‘double whammy.’ Which is all much akin to the phrase ‘One step forward, two steps back,’ which has been the story of my year.”

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh at Pocono, posting his fourth top-10 result in the last four races.

“Kurt Busch surprised everyone with his fuel mileage,” Kenseth said. “Does he have a bottomless fuel tank? Who knows? Kurt’s theories on government assassins may not hold water, but his tanks certainly hold fuel.”

June 7, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick scored his third runner-up finish of the season with a second in the Coca-Cola 600.

“I signed a contract extension with Stewart-Haas Racing,” Harvick said. “We met at the bargaining table; they made me an offer, I signed it, and, you know me, I pushed it back across the table.” Pushed.

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took third in the Coca-Cola 600 as Martin Truex Jr. captured a dominating win. Johnson is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 48 out of first.

“Truex certainly had the best car,” Johnson said. “I got close to him a few times, but he just pulled away easily. I really think he was just toying with the other 39 cars. Really, I don’t think anyone has ‘played the field’ like that since Tim Richmond.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won the pole and led 392 of 400 laps on his way to a dominating win in the Coca Cola 600, leading all but 12 miles of the race.

“We had the field covered,” Truex said, “or, in Furniture Row-speak, we had the field ‘upholstered.’ Everything went right for us, which was surprising. The way things had been going, I was expecting the wheels to fall off, both literally and figuratively.

“Lewis Hamilton celebrated his Monaco Grand Prix with Justin Bieber. I hear he handed Bieber a bottle of champagne in Victory Lane. I’ve heard of DRS-enabled; Bieber at Monaco is a case of TMZ-enabled.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 33rd at Charlotte, eight laps down, suffering his second-worst result of the year, and second finish in a row of 30th or worse.

“I slammed the wall hard with 10 laps to go,” Busch said, “and NASCAR didn’t even throw a caution. I guess NASCAR officials ‘86’ed’ the caution. Or maybe they ‘78’ed’ it.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his 11th top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Charlotte. He is second in the points standings, trailing Kevin Harvick by 36.

“I think everyone was happy to see Truex win,” Busch said. “I guess the old adage “Nice guys finish last” doesn’t apply, at least not now. I was skeptical, because with Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch winning the last two Sprint Cup championships, the old adage ‘A-holes finish first’ has been the norm.”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards was penalized twice for speeding on pit row and suffered a finish of 18th, one lap down. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 53 out of first.

“Busted for speeding twice,” Edwards said. “I think we’ve seen this before because this certainly isn’t the first time a NASCAR driver has been brought down by ‘two-timing.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home fifth in the Coca-Cola 600, posting his fourth top-five result of the season.

“The Sunday before Memorial Day is the greatest day of the year in auto racing,” Keselowski said. “Race fans can start the day in Monaco, head to Indianapolis, and finish the day in Charlotte. In other words, race mileage is inversely proportionate to culture.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Coca Cola 600, joining Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski in the top 10.

“I didn’t win on Sunday,” Logano said, “but I did win the All-Star Race last week. It’s nice to have my name engraved on the winner’s trophy. That’s a far cry from the rules for the All-Star Race, which are written in pencil.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished eighth at Charlotte, recording his fourth consecutive top-10 result. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“Martin Truex Jr. won one of NASCAR’s crown jewel races,” Elliott said. “The Coca-Cola 600. The Indianapolis 500 may have ‘Carburation Day;’ now, Truex can celebrate with ’Carbonation Day.’”

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh at Charlotte, posting his third top 10 in the last three races.

“Congratulations to Martin Truex Jr.,” Kenseth said. “You know, Joe Gibbs Racing shares an alliance with Furniture Row Racing. That means we share technical data, strategies, and a dislike for Carl Edwards.”

May 31, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch was one of many cars damaged on a lap 352 restart when Jimmie Johnson’s car got locked in second gear, causing a major incident that took out a number of contenders.

“There was a time,” Busch said, “that when you mentioned ’18-car crash,’ people thought you were talking about just me.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 117 laps at Dover but was a victim of a huge pileup with 47 laps to go triggered by Jimmie Johnson’s slow car. Harvick finished 15th, one lap down.

“Once again,” Harvick said, “I had the strongest car in the field but didn’t win the race. Carl Edwards would call that ‘choking.’”

3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth at Dover, one of only fourteen cars on the lead lap at race’s end. He is third in the points standings, 32 out of first.

“There are rumors that my Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick has an offer to join Hendrick Motorsports,” Busch said. “He would presumably replace Kasey Kahne, who’s under contract through the 2018 season. That means Kahne’s contract would have to be bought out in order for Harvick to join HMS. So, once again, I’m reporting that an acquaintance of mine is a ‘contract killer.’”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 27 laps at Dover before late contact with Kyle Larson’s No. 42 car sent Edwards’ No. 19 Toyota into the wall. Edwards finished 28th, 41 laps off the pace.

“I think most drivers were impressed by the way Larson raced Matt Kenseth in the closing laps,” Edwards said. “But there’s no way anyone was more impressed by Larson’s patience than Kenseth.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 49 laps and survived contact with Austin Dillon’s No. 3 car to post a sixth in the AAA 400, his seventh top-10 result of the year.

“I advocated making some slight adjustments to the Chase format,” Keselowski said. “NASCAR officials didn’t want to hear it, though. I guess they had enough talk of ‘tweaking’ when Jeremy Mayfield was driving.”

6. Jimmie Johnson: On a restart with 47 laps to go, Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet locked gears, leading to a chain reaction crash behind him that affected 18 cars. Johnson limped home with a 25th at Dover.

“I’m not sure what went wrong,” Johnson said. “All I know is instead of ‘Six-time,’ guys in the garage were calling me ‘Fix-time.’”

7. Joey Logano: Like many, Logano’s No. 22 Penske Ford was caught in the restart accident with 47 laps to go, resulting in a 22nd-place finish.

“As was the case last fall at Martinsville,” Logano said, “I got wrecked and Matt Kenseth came out the winner.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Dover, scoring his third consecutive top 10 and again leading the charge for Hendrick Motorsports. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 77 out of first.

“I’m not surprised at all I’m doing so well,” Elliott said. “I would say, ‘It’s no accident,’ but that may be considered a poor choice of words considering what happened to the rest of the HMS crew.”

9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s misfortune continued at Dover, as his No. 78 Furniture Row Toyota was damaged in the big wreck with 47 laps to go. Despite the damage, Truex scrambled to salvage a ninth-place finish and is now ninth in the points standings, 82 out of first.

“This team is cursed,” Truex said. “This team is also cursing, because we are sick and tired of our bad luck. It’s too bad NASCAR outlawed cigarette manufacturers from sponsorships because we would definitely want Lucky Strike on our car.”

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth won the AAA 400 at Dover, avoiding a huge crash that wiped out much of the field and holding off Kyle Larson for the win.

“I knew Larson was coming for me,” Kenseth said. “You could say ‘I had a Target on my back.’

“But I admire Kyle’s integrity in racing me clean for the win. Just ask Kyle Busch—there’s a fine line between racing a JGR driver like a gentlemen and racing a JGR driver like a teammate.”

May 17, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win the GoBowling,com 400 at Kansas. Busch is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, four behind Harvick.

“Harvick got right on my bumper,” Busch said, “and I thought for sure he’d bump me to get by. But he didn’t. Of course, everybody, Landon Cassill included, knows that Harvick is a man of great integrity. He would never wreck someone just so he could win a race. He would, however, wreck someone just so he could advance to the next round of the Chase.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was strong late at Kansas and nearly overtook Kyle Busch for the lead, but ultimately settled for second.

“I hit a piece of debris and damaged the splitter,” Harvick said. “Otherwise, I would have passed Busch easily. So, you could say that ‘piece of trash’ won.”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards tagged the wall early in the GoBowling.com 400, causing a flat tire that ultimately cost him two laps. But the No. 19 Stanley Tools team recovered to finish 11th. Edwards is third in the points standings, 23 out of first.

“I indeed hit the wall,” Edwards said, “but the damage was not severe. That’s a testament to the great engineering that goes into making these walls safe. So, while I can’t expect Kyle Busch to be, I can certainly expect walls to be ‘forgiving.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took 10th at Kansas, surviving a spin with 26 laps to go to post his sixth top 10 finish of the year.

“I got loose racing with Denny Hamlin,” Keselowski said. “Interestingly enough, there was no contact between us. That’s certainly not the first time Hamlin and I have looked at each other ‘sideways.’”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 17th at Kansas, his day sidetracked by a late pit road speeding penalty that cost him crucial track position.

“Track position was everything at Kansas,” Johnson said. “If you didn’t already know, ‘track position’ is NASCAR code for ‘it’s impossible to pass.’ That’s why you saw so many pit road speeding penalties. That’s where the action is. And that’s why, when you ask a driver about racing at Kansas, they always say, ‘It’s the pits.’”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished third in the GoBowling.com 400, recording his third top-five result of the year.

“Kansas Motor Speedway had a special booth set up where fans could buy a bowling ball and have finger holes drilled to their exact specifications,” Busch said. “They also had televisions broadcasting the race so fans wouldn’t miss a single minute. So, if you asked anyone what was going on in that booth or the race track, they’d tell you the same thing: ‘It’s boring.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano slammed into Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota after Hamlin and Brad Keselowski got loose in a lap 221 incident. The wreck sent the No. 22 Penske Ford to the garage and Logano finished 38th.

“Matt Kenseth and I spoke before the Kansas race,” Logano said, “and came to some sort of mutual understanding about our past issues. But it’s a tenuous peace treaty. We weren’t quite ready to shake hands, so instead, we just shook fists.”

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 15th at Kansas on a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports, which placed only one car in the top 10.

“My stepmother Teresa and my brother Kerry are locked in a court dispute over the use of the ‘Earnhardt’ name,” Earnhardt said. “I’m surprised Teresa didn’t have a problem with a race sponsored by bowling because she thinks the use of ‘3’ fingers is an infringement upon the name.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott recorded the best finish among Hendrick Motorsports drivers with a ninth in the GoBowling,com 400.

“I may not have the Cup titles of Jimmie Johnson,” Elliott said, “or the popularity of Dale Earnhardt Jr., or the wasted potential of Kasey Kahne. What I do have is a legendary pedigree and an iconic car number. So, unlike some other young drivers looking to make an impact in this sport, I don’t have to worry about making a name or a number for myself.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished sixth at Kansas, posting his sixth top 10 of the year.

“My No. 3 RCR Chevy was fast,” Dillon said. “My teammate Ryan Newman finished seventh. That means RCR put two cars in the top 10. Could we ever put three cars in the ‘top 10?’ Only if Paul Menard drops 20 digits from his car number.”

May 10, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in a wild and crash-filled Geico 500 at Talladega as Brad Keselowski captured the win. Busch is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, nine behind Kevin Harvick.

“I finished second,” Busch said, “and Carl Edwards finished 35th. Just like last week, I see Edwards behind me.

“Everybody knows I owe Carl Edwards. Carl knows, too. I told Carl I’d give him fair warning, though. That’ll come in the form of Jamie McMurray. When Carl sees McMurray, he’ll know he’s got ‘1’ coming.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s strong day at Talladega ended on a sour note when he was sucked into a last-lap pileup. He finished 15th.

“Danger is always a factor at Talladega,” Harvick said. “Nothing speaks to that better than the fact that Busch beer was on the No. 4 Chevrolet for the race. Whether you’re headed to the mountains of Busch or the air of Talladega, you’re likely to get wasted.

“Tony Stewart started the race. Ty Dillon took over after the first caution. That was at the orders of Tony’s doctors. So, it was good news for Tony’s back, and his stomach.

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards suffered damage in a lap 96 incident, then blew a tire on lap 111 and slammed Jimmie Johnson. The wreck ended Edwards day, and he finished 35th in the Geico 500 at Talladega.

“I still haven’t spoken to Kyle Busch about bumping him out of the lead at Richmond,” Edwards said. “I expect I will at some point. When I do want Kyle’s attention, I’ll just tap him on the shoulder.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led a race-high 46 laps and won the Geico 500.

“There are two types of people that love racing at Talladega,” Keselowski said. “Fans, and the race winner.

“But seriously, Brian France claims to have safety in mind for the drivers, but what’s more likely to be hurt are his feelings, not a driver. If you can’t take criticism from Tony Stewart, you’re not fit to be in this sport, because everyone’s been criticized by Tony.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s day ended early after a lap 160 incident with Kurt Busch that sent Johnson into the wall. Johnson finished 22nd, six laps down.

“Busch just ran right through me,” Johnson said. “Kurt’s been known to charge with full ferocity. But it’s one thing to pin your ears back surgically, which Kurt had done in 2006, and pin your ears back figuratively, which he did at Talladega.”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt started third at Talladega and struggled from the start, spinning on lap 50 before being taken out by Carl Edwards after the No. 19 car blew a tire. Earnhardt finished 40th.

“My steering wheel came off at one point during the race,” Earnhardt said. “Here’s the interesting thing: that’s the best my car drove all day.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch ran up front for much of the day at Talladega and delivered an eighth-place finish in the Geico 500.

“To succeed at Talladega,” Busch said, “you have to find the right balance of patience and aggression. The problem with fellow drivers have with me is they lose their patience altogether.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 25th at Daytona, with a strong run negated by a last-lap pileup that victimized the No. 22 and several other cars. Logano is fifth in the points standings, 35 out of first.

“Cars were going airborne right and left,” Logano said. “As a driver, you hate to see that. It sends a chill up your spine and makes your testicles retract way up into your abdomen. That’s a real ‘aero package.’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott won the pole at Talladega, thirty years after his father Bill did and came through with a fifth in the Geico 500.

“’Like father, like son,’ as they say,” said Elliott. “I guess it runs in the family. I could say, ‘I have speed coursing through my veins,’ but I’d rather not be mistaken for Jeremy Mayfield.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished third at Talladega, earning his third top-five of the year.

“There was a lot of duct tape used at Talladega on Sunday,” Dillon said. “That’s not unusual. This is Alabama. Duct tape is a part of life. Heck, it’s part of the state flag.”

May 3, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 78 laps at Richmond, including 35 of the last 36, but couldn’t close the deal on the win as Carl Edwards bumped him out of the lead on the final lap. Busch’s runner-up finish was his seventh top five of the year and he is now fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m very emotional after losing,” Busch said. “You could say I was ‘moved’ by Edwards.

“I want to talk about Edwards about as much as I do about hitting a fan at Bristol. Really, I don’t want to talk about that fan I hit. That’s what happens when the ‘shhhh’ hits the fan.”

2. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 151 of 400 laps at Richmond and stalked Kyle Busch for several laps before bumping him out of the way on the final circuit. Edwards took his second consecutive win while Busch was prevented from capturing his third victory of the year.

“I know Kyle is one of my Joe Gibbs Racing teammates,” Edwards said, “but a win is a win. Thus, you saw my celebratory back flip preceded by the predatory backstab.”

“I’m sure Kyle would have done the same thing had he been in my shoes. And I mean that as a compliment to Kyle. And I’m sure he’ll return the favor.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Richmond after qualifying was rained out and finished fifth for his fourth top five of the year.

“It’s good to see Tony Stewart back in racing,” Harvick said. “And I think it’s ludicrous that NASCAR chose to fine him. If you’re going to mention ’35,000’ and ‘Tony Stewart,’ it should only be in a discussion of his weekly calorie intake.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Richmond, posting his fifth top-five result of the year.

“It’s good to see Tony Stewart back in a race car,” Johnson said, “and I applaud his critical comments of NASCAR safety. Tony speaks for a lot of us because he’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind. It takes bravery to say the things Tony does. Let’s just say where balls are concerned, Tony has a huge pair. With that comes great responsibility, and I surely wouldn’t want to lug those nuts around.”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt saw a potential top-10 finish fall by the wayside after a late restart shuffled him back in the field. He finished 13th and is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“Can you imagine the turmoil had Jimmie Johnson bumped me out of a sure win?” Earnhardt said. “The fans of Junior Nation would have rioted. They certainly would have tossed their beer cans onto the track. Only the empties, of course.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 55 laps and finished 10th in the Toyota Owners 400, scoring his sixth top 10 of the year.

“My brother Kyle was very disappointed in losing that race,” Busch said, “and so was his wife Samantha. So much so that she uttered the ‘S’ word on national television. But Kyle wants everyone to rest assured that she’s not the only one on the ‘S’ list.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano fell a lap down early at Richmond but rebounded and came home with a ninth-place finish.

“I made contact with Tony Stewart early in the race,” Logano said, “and it resulted in a flat tire for Tony. I’m sure he wasn’t happy about that. He probably uttered some profanities directed at me. Samantha Busch used the ‘S’ word; Tony used the ‘little S’ word.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started fifth and finished sixth at Richmond as Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch finished 1-2.

“NASCAR fined Tony Stewart $35,000 for his comments regarding lug nuts,” Hamlin said. “I disagree with this. Tony should be able to speak his mind freely without the threat of retribution. So, he should be given the same privilege he refuses to give anyone else.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond while Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano finished eighth.

“I don’t blame Carl Edwards for bumping Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said. “If the tables were turned, I’m sure Kyle would have done the same thing. And speaking of ‘turned tables,’ I’m sure Kyle will flip a few in the next JGR drivers meeting. Heck, Kyle didn’t think twice about hitting a random fan. After what happened at Richmond, I doubt he’ll think at all before bumping Edwards.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth at Richmond, posting his fourth top 10 of the year. He is 10th in the points standings, 85 out of first.

“I can’t imagine being bumped out of the lead by a teammate,” Truex said. “That’s because I don’t have a teammate.”

April 27, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Bristol, posting his seventh top-10 result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by a single point over second-place Carl Edwards.

“The No. 4 Hunt Brothers Pizza Chevrolet was pretty strong at Bristol,” Harvick said. “Jimmy Johns slogan is ‘Freaky Fast.’ Hunt Brothers Pizza’s logo is ‘You’ll Need A Bathroom—Freaky Fast.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch, seeking his third consecutive win, experienced a tough day at Bristol. His day ended on lap 256 when he blew a right-front tire and slammed the wall. He finished 38th.

“I had an early spin,” Busch said, “then suffered a speeding penalty. And I blew two tires. Right-front tires on Joe Gibbs Racing cars were like seats at Bristol Motor Speedway—they were most likely empty.

“While driving to the garage, my car made contact with a fan. I seem to be making a habit of running into fans off the track. That 38th-place finish was only my second out of the top 5 this season. So, relatively speaking, my day was ‘pedestrian.’”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Bristol and led 276 of 500 laps, capturing the Food City 500 in dominating fashion.

“Of course,” Edwards said, “I performed my celebratory backflip after the race. Unlike Kyle Busch, the only thing I nailed was the landing.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a late loose wheel issue and finished a disappointing 23rd in the Food City 500.

“That loose wheel ruined a potential top 5,” Johnson said. “That’s called getting ‘screwed unscrewed.’”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After a slow start, Earnhardt recovered to score the runner-up spot in the Food City 500. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 37 out of first.

“I accidentally hit the kill engine switch when the green flag dropped,” Earnhardt said. “Those kill switches are necessary in this sport. Now, they’d be of more use if they could be applied to pre-race prayers.

“I was lucky enough to meet Peyton Manning. He gave me a Broncos jersey; I gave him a HANS device.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 41 laps and finished third in an entertaining Food City 500 at Bristol.

“My brother Kyle made contact with a fan as he drove his damaged car to the garage midway through the race,” Busch said. “I guess the fan didn’t see Kyle coming. Some say our cars should be outfitted with horns. Others say they shouldn’t because there’s already too many ‘honk-ies’ in this sport already.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano posted a 10th-place finish at Bristol, recording his fifth top 10 of the year.

“How lucky is Dale Earnhardt Jr.?” Logano said. “He got to meet Peyton Manning. But how lucky is Manning? He received the grand tour of Bristol Motor Speedway by Earnhardt himself. Talk about a ‘Thunder Valet.’”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 20th at Bristol as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Carl Edwards took the win.

“JGR took four of the top five qualifying positions,” Hamlin said. “Only Carl Edwards was able to close the deal, however. By ‘closing the deal,’ I mean driving back to the garage without running over someone.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski had a top-10 car until a late tire issue set him back. He finished 18th and is now eighth in the points standings, 63 out of first.

“Luckily,” Keselowski said, “the fan that Kyle Busch hit was not injured. I guess God was looking out for her. I like to believe that had I been in that fan’s shoes, a higher power would have pushed me out of the path of the car, hopefully before Kevin Harvick pushed me into it.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started eighth and finished 14th in the Food City 500.

“It’s interesting the way Kyle Busch keeps meeting NASCAR fans,” Truex said. “It’s either (get out of) my way’ or ‘the highway.’”

April 19, 2016