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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch won his second consecutive race, passing Martin Truex Jr. on a restart with 33 laps to go and cruising to the win in the Duck Commander 500.

“That’s two wins in two weeks,” Busch said, “in two different states, both pretty convincingly. What I’ve done to the rest of the field is known as ‘Interstate Battery.’

“It’s funny, given the misguided political opinions of the likes of Brian France and Phil Robertson, that NASCAR has become a haven for people endorsing candidates. Much like American presidential elections, NASCAR crowns a winner in November. That will be me. I’m here today to announce my 2016 slogan for repeating as Sprint Cup champion: ‘Make America One-Eight Again.’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth at Texas, posting his fourth top five of the season.

“We got off to a shaky start,” Johnson said. “On our first pit stop, I banged the back of Kyle Busch’s car. That left the No. 48 Chevrolet with some damage to the nose. That, of course, made the car difficult to drive. Trust me. I’m a triathlete—I know an ‘out-of-shape’ car when I see one.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Texas, earning his sixth top 10 of the season. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, seven behind Kyle Busch.

“We had a top-10 car,” Harvick said, “and nothing else. It was clear early on that we weren’t going to win. In other words, we ‘didn’t have a prayer,’ which would also happen to be a good position for NASCAR to take in regards to pre-race ceremonies.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards, along with Martin Truex Jr., had one of the fields best cars at Texas, but failed to secure the win due to a loose wheel with 113 laps to go.

“Speaking of a ‘screw loose,’” Edwards said, “did you hear Phil Robertson’s pre-race prayer? It was more quotable than the Bible itself.

“Now, I’m frankly sick and tired of congratulating Kyle Busch on his victories. If he wants a pat on the back, he’ll have to get it from someone else, because when I joined JGR, I promised Matt Kenseth I wouldn’t raise a hand to anyone.”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second in the Duck Commander 500 at Texas as Kyle Busch took the win.

“Once Kyle got into clean air,” Earnhardt said, “there was no stopping him. I think Phil Robertson said it best when he quipped, ‘Jesus man, that car is fast.’

“Texas Motor Speedway had on display the taxidermied ‘Lil’ Dale’ goat. That goat rose to fame when it was born in 2002 with a marking on its side that looked like the No. 3. Despite the fact that ‘Lil’ Dale’ is a male, he’s been milked for all he’s worth.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch took ninth in the Duck Commander 500 as younger brother Kyle gained his second consecutive win.

“Kyle is on a roll,” Busch said. “He won four races across three NASCAR series in eight days. You can say he’s done just about everything, except accuse his wife of being an assassin.”

“In his pre-race prayer, Phil Robertson asked the Lord to put a ‘Jesus man’ in the White House. I’m not sure Robertson is qualified to speak intelligently about religion or politics, or to speak intelligently period. But you know the old saying: ‘Robertson 3:16 says I’m just talking out my ass.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the Duck Commander 500, recording his third top-five finish of the year.

“Dale Earnhardt Jr. created a stir on Twitter,” Logano said, “when he tweeted about eating a banana and mayonnaise sandwich. I received a lot of unwanted responses because Junior happened to add ‘#SlicedBread’ to his tweet.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started sixth and finished 12th as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 12, led by Kyle Busch’s win. Hamlin is eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

“JGR is building a dynasty,” Hamlin said, “and unlike some other ‘dynasties,’ this one isn’t full of quacks. And speaking of ‘duck calls,’ did you hear the national anthem performed by Will Robertson? He hit all the notes. And by ‘all’ the notes, I mean one. But Will has one thing going for him—he’s adopted.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 19th at Texas and is now eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

“Once again,” Keselowski said, “politics made its way into NASCAR when Phil Robertson prayed for a ‘Jesus man’ in the White House. This happened just weeks after Brian France endorsed Donald Trump for President. What’s next? Robertson and France start a NASCAR team and call it ‘Presidential Racing?’”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led a race-high 147 laps but couldn’t hold off Kyle Busch on a late restart, and eventually finished fifth.

“I clearly had the best car,” Truex said, “but what I lacked was a little luck, or maybe a little bible, and a little gun. But I don’t need anyone to tell me that we let a win slip away. I also don’t need anyone to tell me who to vote for, or anyone to pray for me.”

April 12, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 352 of 500 laps on his way to a commanding win in the STP 500, his first ever Sprint Cup win at Martinsville.

“Finally,” Busch said, “I get the Martinsville grandfather clock. After 21 tries, I can look at this trophy and confidently say, ‘It’s about time.’

“Leading 352 of 500 laps is just pure dominance. I’m shocked that the car was a good as it was. And my crew chief Dave Rogers was as well. After the race, he said to me, ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth in the STP 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the year. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, four behind Kevin Harvick.

“I advocate stronger concussion protocols in our sport,” Johnson said. “Chad Knaus disagrees. He’s against anything that calls for more thorough inspections.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th at Martinsville, his first result outside the top 10 this season.

“If you would have told me before the race,” Harvick said, “that I’d finish one spot behind Danica Patrick, I would have said, “I guess I didn’t finish second.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took sixth in the STP 500 as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch won. Edwards is 14th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 14 out of first.

“Congratulations to Kyle,” Edwards said. “In his victory burnout, he smoked the tires. And speaking of ‘smoking’ the tires, NASCAR driver Derek White was arrested by Canadian police in a tobacco smuggling ring. Authorities seized 52,800 kilograms of tobacco. I guess where tobacco in concerned, the US-Canada border is unfiltered.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recorded his second top-five finish of the year with a fifth at Martinsville.

“It was a typical day at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “There was beating and banging, grumbling, and a few caution flags. These are all examples of your stomach warning you after eating a Martinsville hot dog.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th at Martinsville as younger brother Kyle won. Busch is seventh in the points standings, 44 out of first.

“I’m proud of Kyle for winning his first Martinsville grandfather clock,” Busch said. “As you know, clocks have little hands and big hands, and Brian France earlier made his political endorsement based on that criteria.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole but went a lap down early at Martinsville, as tire grip issues sent him backward. However, he recovered to post a solid 11th, and now occupies the fifth spot in the points standings.

“We hit a rough patch to start the race,” Logano said, “but we worked things out. That’s a testament to the preparation and attention to detail of this team. There’s a lot to be said for crossing your T’s and dotting your ‘squinty and douchey’ ‘I’s.’

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin crashed early and finished a disappointing 39th in the STP 500 at Martinsville.

“The wreck was the result of a wheel hop,” Hamlin said. “Frankly, I’m embarrassed that it happened. I’m also angry. You could say I’m ‘hopping mad.’ Ironically, if you’ve ever seen me play basketball, you know I’ve never been accused of having ‘mad hops.’”

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After falling a lap down early at Martinsville, Earnhardt battled his way back to score a respectable 14th-place finish. He is ninth in the points standings, 48 out of first.

“As you probably heard,” Earnhardt said, “I decided to donate my brain to concussion research. My dad made a lot of enemies on the track, so you can add ‘science’ to the list of entities that wanted an Earnhardt’s head on a platter.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon posted his second top-five finish of the year with a fourth at Martinsville. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 44 out of first.

“Joey Logano finished 11th,” Dillon said, “and Matt Kenseth finished 15th. So, much like the last race here, there were four drivers ‘separating’ the two.”

April 5, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson got by Kevin Harvick on a late restart and won the Auto Club 400, giving him 77 career wins, one more than the late Dale Earnhardt.

“’Superman’ was on my car today,” Johnson said, “and his superpowers seemed to rub off on me. Some say I leap tall buildings; others, like maybe Kevin Harvick, say I jump restarts.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated at Fontana, leading 142 of 205 laps, but fell short after a late caution evaporated his sizable lead. Jimmie Johnson slipped by Harvick on the restart, leaving Harvick with another runner-up finish, his 15th in the last two seasons.

“Unless it’s not a tenth of a second,” Harvick said, “I’m getting tired of hearing about seconds.

3. Kyle Busch: Busch blew a tire late at Fontana on Sunday, the same fate he suffered in Saturday’s XFINITY Series race. Busch eventually finished 25th and dropped three places in the points standings.

“I’m not sure what’s going on with our tires,” Busch said. “Is Goodyear peddling faulty rubber? It would take a real sales job to sell bad tires to an established racing team. So, who’s the real person with superpowers? Batman, Superman, or the Goodyear Pimp?

“I gave NASCAR an earful after they refused to wave a caution flag when I blew the tire in the XFINITY race. Of course, they’ll levy a hefty fine on me I’m sure. But that’s okay. The Busch family ‘swear jar’ is a 55-gallon drum.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards started fifth at Fontana and finished seventh, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“The No. 19 Toyota was fast,” Edwards said, “but it just didn’t have the handling to put me over the top. I was fighting the steering wheel all day. I know my sponsor Subway would rather not hear these two particular words, but Sunday was a ‘hard drive.’”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch started 26th and started from the rear in a backup car, leading to a long day at Fontana. He finished 30th, the last car on the lead lap.

“I got rammed by Dale Earnhardt Jr.,” Busch said, “and I’m angry. Junior had Batman on his car, which made me want to go ‘Robin’ on him, with a ‘trusty sidekick’ to the head.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano took fourth in the Auto Club 400, scoring his second top-five finish of the year. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 30 out of first.

“Hey,” Logano said, “I love Batman and Superman. Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt Jr. showed me that it’s cool to have ‘Superfriends’ on their cars. Matt Kenseth showed me that it’s not so great to have an ‘Avenger’ in his car.”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Fontana, posted his second consecutive third place finish. He is now fourth in the points standings, 25 out of first.

“Kasey Kahne wrecked Danica Patrick,” Hamlin said, “and Danica was none too happy. I think it’s safe to say, despite all the images of Batman and Superman at the race, Patrick and Kahne won’t be ‘super friends.’

“Me? I had my issues with Danica, and I’ve tried talking to her face to face to come to some resolution. It hasn’t always worked. Talking to Danica is like talking to a wall, a very pretty wall.”

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th in the Auto Club 400 as Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson captured the win.

“The No. 88 Chevrolet sported a ‘Batman’ theme in connection with the ‘Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn Of Justice’ movie,” Earnhardt said. “And my merchandise tent did as well. We were selling any and everything that had a bat on it—hats, T-shirts, flags, all kinds of crap. You know my fans—they’ll go bat ‘S’ crazy over bat ‘S’ if it has my name on it.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the Auto Club 400, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fourth, in the top 10.

“I love the way NASCAR is promoting the upcoming ‘Batman Vs. Superman’ movie,” Keselowski said. “I think most drivers would say this sport needs more heroes. Danica Patrick would say this sport needs more heroines. Jeremy Mayfield would say this sport needs more heroin.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon started on the pole in the Auto Club 400 yet didn’t lead a single lap and finished a distant 24th. He is 10th in the points standings, 56 out of first.

“The heck with Sunday’s race,” Dillon said. “Let’s talk about Saturday’s race. I won when Kyle Busch blew a tire and Daniel Suarez ran out of gas. I haven’t had a race handed to me like that by anyone other than my grandfather.”

March 22, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Phoenix to post his fourth top-five finish of the season. He is tied with Kevin Harvick for the lead in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m surprised Carl Edwards and Kevin Harvick both didn’t wreck each other before they reached the finish line,” Busch said. “I think it would have made for great controversy, although their cars would have been torn up. But I would have been more than happy to pick up the pieces.

“As for being co-leader in the points, there’s only thing I care to share with Harvick, and that’s mutual hatred.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick battled Carl Edwards door to door over the final lap at Phoenix and held on to win the Good Sam 500 by .01 seconds.

“I was surprised I was able to hold off Edwards,” Harvick said. “He may have had fresh tires, but I had a flag that said, ‘Don’t tread on me.’”

3. Carl Edwards: Despite having fresh right-side tires for the final restart at Phoenix, Edwards was unable to complete the pass on Kevin Harvick, instead losing by .01 seconds.

“Harvick and I traded a lot of paint,” Edwards said. “We were racing so close, I felt like I could have reached over and grabbed him by the throat. The only thing that’s clashed harder than our cars is our personalities.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Phoenix after starting in a backup car, due to a wreck in Friday’s qualifying.

“My steering wheel literally came loose in my hands,” Johnson said. “I guess that would be the most severe case of ‘losing your handling.’ And what an impact. I haven’t ‘hit a wall’ like that since right after winning my sixth championship.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Good Sam 500, recording his fourth top 10 of the year. He is fourth in the points standings, 17 out of first.

“That’s a top 10 in each race this year,” Busch said. “That’s called consistency, which is a word that is not used very often to describe me, particularly the history of my mental state.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 18th at Phoenix after his crew failed to fill his fuel tank on what should have been his final pit stop. Logano was forced to pit for a splash of gas, which likely cost him a top 10.

“I thought for sure we got all the fuel in,” Logano said. “Even Matt Kenseth would vouch for that fact—he said I ‘was full of it.’”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started third at Phoenix, part of a 1-2-3 Joe Gibbs Racing sweep in qualifying, and finished third, posting his first top-five since winning the Daytona 500.

“What a finish between Kevin Harvick and Carl Edwards,” Hamlin said. “I think many people are surprised that Edwards didn’t send Harvick into the wall to get past him, as NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt would have done. But let’s be serious. Only one person considers Edwards the ‘Intimidator,’ and that’s Matt Kenseth.”

8. Austin Dillon: Dillon took ninth in the Good Sam 500, posting his third top-10 result of the year.

“It was an otherwise lousy day for Richard Childress Racing,” Dillon said. “My teammates Ryan Newman and Paul Menard finished last and next-to-last. Both suffered right-front tire failures. Some will ask: ‘Who blows more? The tires, or the drivers?’ In any case, Ryan and Paul will always have a job with RCR, probably as the guys who scuff the surface of new tires, because they’re scrubs.”

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home fifth at Phoenix, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

“It’s too bad it didn’t end with tempers flaring,” Earnhardt said. “That would have made for a perfect ‘March Mad-ness’ tie-in.”

10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski suffered a blown right-rear tire on lap 226 at Phoenix, and the resulting damage left the No. 2 Penske Ford with a 29th-place finish.

“What an entertaining finish,” Keselowski said. “Carl Edwards and Kevin Harvick put on quite a show. Rest assured, when those two are battling for something, it’s definitely not a popularity contest. I really would have loved to have been part of an Edwards-Harvick duel, preferably as the guy that says, ‘Take 10 paces, turn, and fire.’”

March 15, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led late at Las Vegas but was passed with five laps to go by Brad Keselowski, who went on to win the Kobalt 400. Busch leads the Sprint Cup points standings by six points over Jimmie Johnson.

“The No. 18 M&M’s car had a late wheel vibration that affected the handling,” Busch said. “If that type of vibration happens to the No. 48 car, you’d call it a ‘Shimmie Johnson.’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led a race-high 76 laps and finished third in the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

“It was a grueling race due to the weather,” Johnson said, “and that takes a physical toll on a driver. Take it from a guy who runs triathlons—even I was ‘winded’ afterwards.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took seventh at Las Vegas, piloting the No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevy to its third top-10 finish of the year.

“NASCAR legend Mark Martin has endorsed Donald Trump as the Republican nominee for President,” Harvick said. “Martin urged Trump to ‘build that wall.’ A lot of people have urged Trump to do that. Some have even encouraged him to build that wall out of Muslims. I don’t know how high a wall would be needed to prevent illegal aliens from crossing the border. I do know that a four-foot wall would prevent Mark from seeing over it.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished second to Brad Keselowski as Penske Racing swept the top two places at Las Vegas. Logano is fourth in the points standings, 12 behind Kyle Busch.

“That’s right,” Logano said, “Penske drivers went 1-2 at Vegas. I think we could make a habit of taking the top 2 positions at future races. Other drivers have already nicknamed us ‘The Old One-Two,’ but mostly because our faces are so punchable.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole for the second consecutive week and had a strong run waylaid when he was collected in a crash with Carl Edwards caused by Matt Kenseth’s spin. Busch salvaged a ninth-place finish and is fifth in the points standings.

“The wind was blowing something fierce,” Busch said. “There were gusts upwards of 50 miles per hour. In NASCAR, we call that ‘da breeze caution.’ In the NHRA, they call that ‘Gale Force.’ No relation to John.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recovered from a pit road speeding penalty and passed Kyle Busch with five laps to go to win the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas. Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took second.

“It wasn’t easy passing Kyle,” Keselowski said. “I really had to work for it, as Kyle doesn’t concede position easily. If you mention the words ‘push over,’ Kyle won’t respond. Now, if you mention the words ‘pull over,’ Kyle will respond, especially if you’re a state trooper.”

7. Carl Edwards: After a wreck in practice, Edwards resorted to a backup car and finished 18th at Las Vegas. He sits seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 20 out of first.

“Las Vegas is a favorite stop on the circuit for many drivers,” Edwards said. “We all head to the casinos with high hopes, and leave with lighter wallets. Of course, you can’t talk about ‘blow money’ without mentioning Tim Richmond. He would have loved the track at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, and if given the chance to turn laps there, I bet he would have never left. Tim was always driven to excess.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 11th in the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas. He is ninth in the points standings, 26 out of first.

“I was docked 15 points for having a roof flap issue for the second-straight race,” Truex said. “We’ve been trying to fool NASCAR for a week. Interestingly enough, they just happened to choose Las Vegas to blow the roof off this scandal.”

9. Austin Dillon: Dillon posted his second consecutive top-five finish with a fifth in the Kobalt 400. He is ninth in the points standings, 26 out of first.

“It’s nice to make Richard Childress Racing important again,” Dillon said. “If I’m not mistaken, they made a movie about me called ‘The Relevant.’”

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished eighth at Las Vegas, posting his second top 10 of the year.

“I was in attendance at UFC 196 in Las Vegas on Saturday night,” Earnhardt said. “Believe me, the only times I hear the words ‘tap out’ mentioned more are at a Junior Nation keg party.”

March 8, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: One day after winning the XFINITY Series race, Busch finished third in the Folds Of Honor 500. He now stands third in the points standings, eight behind Jimmie Johnson and Denny Hamlin.

“I originally won the pole,” Busch said, “but my car failed inspection. That gave the pole to my brother Kurt. You could say Kurt backed into the pole. That ‘pole’ at Atlanta caused no damage to Kurt’s car, unlike that ‘wall’ at Dover last October, which damaged Kevin Harvick’s car not only beyond recognition but beyond inspection.”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson short-pitted with about 40 laps to go in Atlanta, and held off the charging Kevin Harvick down the stretch to capture the Folds Of Honor 500. With the win, Johnson matched Dale Earnhardt with his 76th career win.

“That’s why I held three fingers out of the window,” Johnson said. “Not because I was three times as pissed off as Martin Truex Jr. was at Regan Smith, but because I wanted to honor Dale Earnhardt. Just call me the ‘InJimidator.’

“I have to give it up to Chad Knaus for making a bold strategy call. Chad firmly believes in staying one step ahead of the competition, and two steps ahead of the rule book.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 34 laps and finished seventh in Atlanta, and is now fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“You may have seen me give Regan Smith the finger,” Truex said. “You may not know this, but the Sunday before ‘Leap Day’ is ‘Flip Day.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin fell a lap down early at Atlanta and never recovered, finishing 16th, two laps down.

“I call it the ‘Daytona Hangover,’” Hamlin said. “The thrill of victory at Daytona is often determined by less than a tenth of a second. The agony of defeat is often marked by more than a fifth of liquor.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 131 laps but was outsmarted in the pits by Jimmie Johnson, who short-pitted to build a big lead, then held on after a late caution.

“That race was mine to lose,” Harvick said. “But I’ll let my crew chief, Rodney Childers, take ownership of it, though, because he was outsmarted by Chad Knaus. It was a contest to see who was going to pit first. You could say it was a game of ‘cat and Knaus.’”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 19th at Atlanta after a mid-race penalty left him two laps down.

“That’s called an ‘improper fueling’ penalty,” Kenseth said. “Apparently, my gas man placed a wrench on the back of the car. That’s a no-no. But not as big a no-no as me placing my front bumper on the back of Joey Logano’s car.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth in the Folds Of Honor 500 to score his second top-five result of the year.

“There were 327 laps of green flag racing,” Edwards said. “We haven’t seen this much green flag racing since 2015. Or, should I say, ‘We didn’t see this much green flag racing in 2015.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole and took fourth at Atlanta, one spot behind younger brother Kyle. Kurt is seventh in the points standings, nine out of first.

“Did you hear?” Busch said. “Brian France endorsed Donald Trump for President. That’s interesting because, in July, NASCAR said it would not hold its Camping World and XFINITY banquets at Trump’s National Doral Resort after Trump made racist and disparaging remarks about immigrants. Apparently, France puts the ‘race’ in ‘racism.’ I can see Trump spin this to even greater advantage: he’ll say he was endorsed by France, and his supporters will believe it’s the country. Viva Le Trump!”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Atlanta, plagued by handling issues that likely prevented a top-5 result.

“In light of Brian France’s endorsement of Donald trump,” Keselowski said, “this is certainly not the first time someone has looked at France and said, ‘What is he doing?’

“But enough about a pudgy-faced clown who is clueless as to how to run a race, France needs to mind his own business. He can’t even handle the politics of his own sport, much less those of a nation.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon started eighth and finished 11th in the Folds Of Honor 500. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 15 out of first.

“My younger brother Ty subbed for Tony Stewart in the No. 14 car,” Dillon said. “Tony is out for a few weeks, mostly to rehab a back injury, but also to work on his new cookbook, ’50 Shades Of Gravy.’

“While Tony is out, Stewart-Haas Racing wants someone in that car. They certainly don’t want that ride empty. Ty is more than happy to occupy that spot. So, with or without Tony, you know there will be an ass in the seat.”

March 1, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin powered his way past Matt Kenseth on the final lap, then edged Martin Truex Jr. at the line by .010 seconds, the closest finish in Daytona 500 history, to win his first 500.

“It was a bold move to leave the draft and go high,” Hamlin said. “Joe Gibbs’ drivers are known for getting ‘out of line,’ notably Matt Kenseth anytime Joey Logano’s in front of him, or Kyle Busch anytime he’s behind the wheel of a street car.

“I’m just glad I was able to end Joe Gibbs’ 23-year Daytona drought. Joe said this felt like winning the Super Bowl. Speaking of football, maybe NASCAR should follow the NFL’s lead and make it much easier to pass.”

2. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex took the runner-up spot at Daytona, falling .010 seconds short to Denny Hamlin in the closest finish in Daytona 500 history.

“I’m disappointed,” Truex said, “but it was a great result for Furniture Row Racing. To celebrate, Furniture Row is throwing in a free ‘photo finish’ on all products purchased this week.

“I can’t be too unhappy about finishing second. I think I made a name for myself at Daytona. Unfortunately, that name is ‘Martin Truex II.’”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch started defense of his 2015 Sprint Cup championship with a strong third in the Daytona 500, as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three cars in the top 5.

“These Gibbs Toyotas were strong all day long,” Busch said. “We knew if we remained grouped together in the low line, we’d be there at the end. It may not have worked out so well for Tim Richmond, but running a train sure did for JGR.”

4. Matt Kenseth: Leading on the final lap, Kenseth was passed after a daring move to the high line by Denny Hamlin, who sailed past Kenseth’s failed attempt to block. Hamlin went on to edge Martin Truex Jr. as Kenseth slid back to 14th.

“Maybe I should have held my line,” Kenseth said. “But it’s hard to remain disciplined when you think you may get passed. Trust me, last year taught me how hard it was to ‘be disciplined.’

“But congratulations to Hamlin. He predicted his Daytona 500 win as a second-grader. Speaking of school, maybe I should have paid more attention in drafting class.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth, and generated the momentum that propelled Denny Hamlin past Matt Kenseth on the final turn to result in Hamlin’s win.

“That’s the second¬-most famous push in the back I’m known for,” Harvick said. “The first was in Texas in 2014 when I shoved Brad Keselowski. Hamlin’s post-race fist pump was the only punch thrown in either situation.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano, last year’s Daytona 500 winner, took sixth in this year’s race after starting fifth on the grid.

“I can’t be too sad for Matt Kenseth,” Logano said. “You could say he got what was coming to him.

“As for the race itself, it was a pretty boring affair save for the last lap. Maybe NASCAR needs to institute a ‘repetition’ caution before fans revolt in a ‘Mutiny On Monotony.’”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished seventh in the Daytona 500, his best result ever in the season’s inaugural race.

“How about Scottish actor Gerard Butler’s role as Grand Marshal?” Larson said. “Nothing says ‘The Great American Race’ like a Scottish accent.”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led 18 laps and was poised for a strong finish until a pit road penalty with 45 laps to go. Johnson was issued a drive-through penalty after NASCAR deemed his pit crew were over the wall too soon.

“Too many men over the wall?” Johnson said. “Who called this penalty, Donald Trump?

“Pole-sitter and Hendrick teammate Chase Elliott took a spin through the Daytona infield, as did Danica Patrick. For some drivers, like Chase, it’s a ‘spin in the grass;’ for others, like Ricky Stenhouse Jr., it’s a ‘roll in the hay.’”

9. Regan Smith: Smith, in the No. 7 Tommy Baldwin Racing Chevrolet, finished eighth in the Daytona 500.

“Hamlin wrote a letter in the second grade saying his dream was to win the Daytona 500,” Smith said. “Most NASCAR fans would respond to that by saying, ‘Dreams do come true.’ The remaining NASCAR fans would say, ‘Hamlin could write in the second grade?’”

10. Kurt Busch: Busch started eighth and finished tenth at Daytona.

“Brian France promised lots of changes for the 2016 NASCAR season,” Busch said. “I guess lead changes wasn’t one of them. There were only four lead changes that didn’t happen as a result of pit stops.

“But what would you expect from NASCAR’s CEO and Chairman? Maybe ‘CFO’ would be a better title because he’s a ‘Chubby-Faced Oaf.’ France wants to be omnipresent. He should start by just being present. Just to clarify, I took those words right out of Tony Stewart’s mouth. As long as it’s not food, Tony doesn’t mind.”

February 23, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch won the Ford EcoBoost 400, holding off Kevin Harvick to win his first Sprint Cup championship. Busch missed the first 11 races of the season after breaking his leg at a crash at Daytona in February.

“A pasty white guy from Las Vegas is the Sprint Cup champion,” Busch said. “Ironically, all other driver ‘pale’ in comparison to me.

“I’ve always dreamed of beating Jeff Gordon for the Sprint Cup championship. I guess dreams do come true. Apparently, when I was a kid, I had very vivid and colorful dreams. But those dreams were nothing like the ones I had on painkillers after surgery to repair my broken leg.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 13th on the grid and finished second to Kyle Busch.

“’Second’ has been the story of my year,” Harvick said. “I can’t tell you how many times I finished second this year, but I can tell that I will be counting the seconds until the start of the 2016 season.”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started fifth at Homestead and finished sixth, as Kyle Busch won the race to capture the Sprint Cup championship.

“I couldn’t believe the support I received,” Gordon said, “even in a losing effort. It reminded me of the applause that erupted when Matt Kenseth wrecked Joey Logano at Martinsville. Without that, I wouldn’t even be here.

4. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Homestead and finished fourth, posting his 22nd top-five result of the year.

“I dominated the circuit this season,” Logano said, “so you tell me who the rightful Sprint Cup champion should be. I had six wins and 22 top-10 finishes. You do the math. And speaking of math, if you subtracted Matt Kenseth from the equation, I would be Cup champion.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Homestead, posting his 21st top 10 of the year.

“Now there are two Sprint Cup championships in the family,” Busch said. “I guess I’ll have to call my brother ‘champ.’ He’s, of course, been called worse.”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Homestead, his fourth Coors Light pole of the season.

“I tore my knee up playing basketball earlier this year,” Hamlin said. “So, I’m going to have it surgically repaired. Hopefully, the doctors will use pins and screws because there’s a gas pedal that says my leg definitely needs to be heavier.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards led eight laps and finished 11th at Homestead.

“Congratulations to Kyle Busch,” Edwards said. “He’ll be a great champion. However, I’m not sure if his reign will do any favors for NASCAR’s Drive For Diversity program because Kyle will be the whitest champion ever.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex qualified 11th at Homestead and finished 12th, the lowest among championship-eligible drivers.

“This Chase For The Cup had it all,” Truex said. “Intentional wrecks, intentional wrecks made to look unintentional, intentional wrecks gone unpunished by NASCAR, and intentional wrecks punished by NASCAR. It was ‘quint-intentional.’”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took third in the Ford EcoBoost 400, recording his ninth top five of the year.

“Jeff Gordon was the sentimental favorite,” Keselowski said. “There were a lot of people pulling for him to win, almost as many as were pulling for Kevin Harvick not to win.”

10.Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 10th at Homestead, posting his 22nd top 10 of the year.

“I received an odd drive-through penalty,” Johnson said. “Apparently, a crew member put his hip into a big dent in the side of the No. 48 Chevy. That’s a no-no. NASCAR’s rule book states that it’s illegal for cars to be powered by ‘pelvic thrust.’”

November 24, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished sixth at Phoenix in the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.

“Having already clinched my spot,” Gordon said, “I didn’t have to sweat the finish. I’m not the only driver who can say this, but ‘I handled my business at Martinsville.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Phoenix and claimed his spot in the Chase finale at Homestead. Busch will vie with Jeff Gordon, Kevin Harvick and Martin Truex Jr. for the Sprint Cup title.

“I signed an extension to keep M&M’s and Mars products on my car for the next several seasons,” Busch said. “You’ll see their names on the front of my car, the top of my car, and yes, the back of my car, so I’ll continue to be called a ‘candy ass’ by fellow drivers and fans alike.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Phoenix to lock up his spot in the finale at Homestead.

“Thanks to the rain,” Harvick said, “my reign continues.

“I will do anything to win my second Sprint Cup championship. And I mean that in the most literal sense. Whatever it takes, I will do it. That includes wrecking myself and wrecking others. I’m such a talented driver, I can do those things separately.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex punched his ticket to Homestead with a 14th-place finish at Phoenix.

“I made it,” Truex said, “and I didn’t even have to win or wreck Trevor Bayne intentionally to do so.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Phoenix, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

“Matt Kenseth met with Brian France after returning from a two-race suspension,” Hamlin said. “I’m sure what France told Matt was ‘quintessential B.F.,’ which is essentially the same as ‘quintessential B.S.’”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr: Earnhardt won the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.

“The skies opened,” Earnhardt said, “and for some drivers, the door closed. That’s the nature of Mother Nature when it comes to stock car racing.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500 at Phoenix. Needing a win to advance, Logano will have to wait until next year to seek his first Sprint Cup championship.

“This was supposed to be my year,” Logano said, “but things got turned around when I ‘turned around’ Matt Kenseth.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Phoenix and finished eighth in the point standings.

“We didn’t put a single Penske Racing driver in the finale at Homestead,” Keselowski said. “But we might put a single Joe Gibbs Racing driver into the wall at Homestead.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh despite suffering a drive-through penalty for jumping the start of the Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.

“You can’t beat the pole sitter to the starting line,” Busch said. “Much like I did when I accused Patricia Driscoll of being an assassin, I ‘jumped the gun.’”

10. Carl Edwards: Edwards came home 12th at Phoenix and finished fifth in the points standings, just missing out on eligibility for the championship at Homestead.

“Who’s wrecked more Chase hopes?” Edwards said. “The rain, or Matt Kenseth?”

November 17, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished ninth in the AAA Texas 500, earning his 19th top-10 result of the year.

“I was given two ponies by Texas Motor Speedway as a retirement gift,” Gordon said. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with them. As a soon to be retiree, I reckon I will just put them out to pasture.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano blew a left-rear tire on lap 4, and the resulting damage sent the No.22 to the garage for major repairs. He finished 40th, 60 laps down, and will need a win at Phoenix to be among the final four eligible to win the Cup at Homestead.

“Matt Kenseth was not on the track,” Logano said. “I never thought this statement would ever be uttered, but ‘You take away Matt Kenseth, you take away all the excitement.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick recovered from two blown tires to finish third in the AAA Texas 500. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I also had to keep my hand on the shifter,” Harvick said. “That was to keep the car from popping out of gear. That goes to show that when Kevin Harvick faces adversity, he overcomes it. That was the case at Dover—I was backed into a corner, so I backed into a wall.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Texas and holds the second spot in the points standings.

“Sammy Hagar gave a pre-race concert in the Texas Motor Speedway infield,” Busch said. “I believe he was staring straight at me when he sang ‘I Can’t Drive 55.’”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and dominated, leading 312 of 334 laps, but lost the victory when Jimmie Johnson passed him for the lead late. Keselowski is sixth in the points standings.

“I’ll likely need a win to advance,” Keselowski said. “My Penske teammate Joey Logano faces the same situation. We could finish 1-2. If that happens, one of us could be taking it home, while the other would be going home.”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth in the AAA Texas 500, posting his seventh top 5 of the year.

“NASCAR suspended Matt Kenseth for two races,” Edwards said. “Matt seemed to be enjoying himself, sitting at home, watching the race, and sending sarcastic tweets. I don’t think NASCAR can suspend him for wrecking Twitter.”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex lost his power steering while battling for the lead late in the race, and managed to hold on for an eighth-place finish.

“I’m fourth in the points standings,” Truex said. “If I hold that position, I’ll likely have a spot in the finale at Homestead. That would mean a lot for our team because the Furniture Row Racing team certainly deserves a seat at the table.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh in the AAA Texas 500, and is seventh in the points standings.

“I’m on the brink of elimination,” Busch said. “That’s what Joey Logano said when he saw Matt Kenseth behind him at Martinsville. It’s also what a soon-to-be-assassinated mark says when my ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll puts the crosshairs on the target.”

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr: Earnhardt finished sixth at Texas, posting his 21st top 10 of the year.

“I’ve got top-10 finishes in the last three races,” Earnhardt said. “And that reminds me, you should try Diet Mountain Dew’s new flavor, ‘2 Little, 2 Late.’ It’s bittersweet.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson passed Brad Keselowski on lap 331 and won his third straight race at Texas.

“I may not be eligible for the Cup,” Johnson said, “but a win is a win is a win.”

November 10, 2015