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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon seized his opportunity at Martinsville, taking the lead late and holding on for his ninth win at the Virginia half-mile track. With the win, Gordon will be one of four drivers vying for the Sprint Cup at Homestead.

“I can certainly identify with Joey Logano,” Gordon said. “Because we both ‘owe’ Matt Kenseth.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano was dominating at Martinsville and seemed headed for his fourth straight victory, till Matt Kenseth intentionally wrecked Logano with 47 laps left. Logano finished 37th, 42 laps down.

“It was a total coward move by Kenseth,” Logano said. “And I should know—I’m all yellow.

“I’m furious, and so is my father Tom. He was redder than a Martinsville hot dog. He was so irate, he had to be restrained. And speaking of ‘restraint,’ that reminds me of my first memory of my father, when he duct-taped to the seat of a go-cart and said ‘Drive.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 38 laps and finished eighth in the Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500.

“Once again,” Harvick said, “I made a move that kept my championship hopes alive. This time, however, instead of driving into the fray, I steered clear of controversy.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth at Martinsville, and is second in the points standings with two races to go before the finale at Homestead.

“I can’t wait to hear NASCAR’s response to the Matt Kenseth-Joey Logano incident,” Busch said. “In the ‘Boys, have at it’ age, and just weeks after Brian France used the term ‘quintessential NASCAR,’ it seems that NASCAR, just like Logano, was ‘asking for it.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Martinsville, posting his 14th top-5 finish of the year.

“I think we may need to look into updating the definition of the word ‘accident’ in this sport,” Hamlin said.

6. Carl Edwards: Despite front-end damage suffered in an early accident, Edwards finished a solid 14th at Martinsville.

“The crew did a good job of repairing the No. 19 Toyota,” Edwards said. “So good, in fact, that NASCAR wants some pointers on ‘damage control.’”

7. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex led 27 laps at Martinsville and finished sixth at Martinsville.

“NASCAR won’t stand for this type of vigilante justice,” Truex said. “NASCAR fans, on the other hand, well, they’ll not only stand, they’ll give it an ovation, as well.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was collected in an accident that sent him crashing into Matt Kenseth’s No. 20 Toyota. Keselowski’s No. 22 suffered major damage to the suspension, and he limped home with a 32nd-place finish.

“I did not wreck Kenseth on purpose,” Keselowski said. “No, that’s not me quoting Joey Logano from Kansas. That’s me being honest, and, let’s face it, apparently NASCAR drivers can only be honest when they haven’t wrecked someone on purpose.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch was collected in a wreck after Brad Keselowski made contact with Matt Kenseth, sending Kenseth’s No. 20 into Busch’s No. 41. Busch finished 34th, 14 laps off the pace.

“This means I’ll probably have to win one of the next two races,” Busch said. “That puts me in the same boat with three or four other drivers. And speaking of boats, if Matt Kenseth would have done what he did in a boat, he would be ‘docked.’”

10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr: Earnhardt finished fourth at Martinsville as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top 12, with Jeff Gordon taking the win.

“Am I surprised that Matt Kenseth took out Joey Logano?” Earnhardt said. “Of course not. This is NASCAR, in which most of the races take place on oval tracks. Just take a look at the cars turning laps on those tracks, and you’ll realize it’s easy to see ‘what goes around comes around.’”

November 3, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano won the CampingWorld.com 500 at Talladega, taking the checkered flag under caution for his third straight win.

“Having already clinched my spot in the next round,” Logano said, “I knew it didn’t really matter what happened behind me. Of course, no one was saying ‘What happened?’ because everybody knew what happened.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Running with an engine on the verge of blowing, Harvick’s slow No. 4 initiated a crash that forced the race to end under caution, and secured his advance to the next round.

“I think it would be appropriate to quote Steve Urkel,” Harvick said, “and say, ‘Did I do that?

“Don’t ask me if I meant to do it. For all intents and purposes, I’m still alive to win the Cup.”

3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th in the Campingworld.com 500, posting his 18th top-10 of the year. He advances to the Eliminator Round of the Chase.

“That had to be the most unsatisfactory ending to a Talladega race ever,” Busch said. “And take it from me and any of my girlfriends—we know unsatisfactory endings.

“I think, eventually, Kevin Harvick will admit he was wrong and do what’s right. As it is now, the only thing ‘right’ was his turn into Trevor Bayne.”

4. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started on the pole at Talladega and finished third, easily advancing to the next round of the Chase.

“Kevin Harvick’s actions were fishy,” Gordon said. “So fishy, in fact, they’re complaining about the smell in Denmark.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth at Talladega and joins Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch in the Eliminator Round of the Chase.

“Things could get very interesting at Martinsville,” Edwards said. “The race is called the ‘Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500.’ There are some drivers that want revenge, which will bring them relief, and will cause headaches for their victims. Will there be punches thrown? As they say in the South, ‘I reckon.’ And Sunday will be a day of reckoning, and wreck-oning.”

6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Talladega and secured his place in the Eliminator Round of the Chase.

“For all the talk of speed at Talladega,” Truex said, “it took forever to run the final two laps.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth to safely advance to the next round of the Chase.

“Kevin Harvick will have a blinking eye on the front of his car next week at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “He should have had it last week because he ‘hoodwinked’ everybody.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 11th and slipped into the Chase, taking the eighth and final spot in the Eliminator Round.

“I did what I had to do,” Busch said. “That’s a statement, not an excuse.”

9. Denny Hamlin: A malfunction with the roof flap on the No. 11 Fed Ex Toyota forced Hamlin to pit four times. He was caught up in the final restart crash, the result of which set his car ablaze. He finished 37th, four laps down, and tumbled out of the top eight in points.

“That roof flap is there for me to exit the car quickly in case of emergency,” Hamlin said. “Ironically, I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough after the race.

“Harvick wrecked his own car at Dover to stay in the Chase,” Hamlin said. “He wrecked the field at Talladega to stay in the Chase. He’ll have to answer to all the accusations saying he did it intentionally. I guess that’s why he’s ‘defending’ champion.”

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr: Earnhardt finished second at Talladega after the final restart carnage caused when Kevin Harvick clipped Trevor Bayne. The caution came out just seconds before Earnhardt overtook Joey Logano for the lead. Earnhardt needed a win to advance to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

“Joey Logano took the checkered flag from race command and did some victory burnouts,” Earnhardt said. “I’m surprised Kevin Harvick didn’t do the same, with the yellow flag.”

October 27, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano won his second straight race, bumping Matt Kenseth out of the lead with five laps to go to win the Hollywood Casino 400.

“Let’s face it,” Logano said, “Kenseth’s tailspin started well before Kansas.

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick left the pits with his gas can still attached with about 50 laps to go, incurring a drive-through penalty. Harvick finished 15th and has 3,071 points, just seven ahead of Kyle Busch in ninth.

“I just need to keep my nose clean at Talladega,” Harvick said, “and keep the No. 4 Chevrolet off the wall. It will be different than it was at Dover—-to keep my nose clean there, I intentionally had to hit the wall.”

3. Kurt Busch: Busch took sixth at Kansas, scoring his 17th top-10 of the year. He is third in the points standings, 13 ahead of ninth place.

“I’m in perfect position to advance to the Eliminator Round,” Busch said. “It doesn’t apply to my mental state, but I’m ‘in a good place.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished second at Kansas and is now second in the points standings.

“Matt Kenseth will get Joey Logano back,” Hamlin said. “It’s gonna be hard for Matt to properly avenge himself at Talladega because Logano’s already advanced to the next round. So, Matt may be able to get some sort of revenge, but he won’t be able to exact revenge.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth in the Hollywood Casino 400, posting his 13th top-10 of the year.

“Matt Kenseth is old enough to be Joey Logano’s father,” Edwards said. “In my eyes, Joey needs a beating; in Matt’s eyes, he needs a spanking.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: A late pit mishap coast Truex a likely top-10 finish and he settled for 16th in the Hollywood Casino 400.

“We had a tire get away from us in the pits,” Truex said. “Up until that point, we were ‘rolling.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished ninth at Kansas, recording his 21st top-10 of the year. He has 3,071 points in the standings, tied with Kevin Harvick and Jeff Gordon.

“Joey Logano’s won the last two races,” Keselowski said, “and five total this season. He’s looking like the favorite to win the Sprint Cup championship. He just has to avoid being overconfident. Can Joey avoid getting a ‘big head?’ I don’t think so; on that neck, any head looks big.”

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took 10th at Kansas and has 3,071 points in the standings, which places him seven points ahead of Kyle Busch in ninth.

“Advancing to the next round could come down to a single point,” Gordon said, “so every point matters. At Talladega, I’m just as worried about the ‘Little One’ as I am about the ‘Big One.’”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch posted his eighth top-5 finish of the season with a fifth in the Hollywood Casino 400. He is currently in ninth place in the points standings, six points behind eighth place.

“One week after the Hollywood Casino 400,” Busch said, “we’re heading to Talladega, where, fittingly, all bets are off.

“The level of tension will be such that you’ll be able to cut it with a knife. In the infield at Talladega, the level of alcohol will be such that you might get stabbed with a knife.”

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was leading with five laps remaining at Kansas when Joey Logano bumped him, sending Kenseth’s No. 20 sliding up the track and out of the lead. Kenseth finished 14th and will likely need to win at Talladega to advance.

“With Halloween approaching,” Kenseth said, “Logano should be mindful of things that go bump in the night, as well as things that go bump in the face.”

October 20, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano led 227 of 334 laps and held off Kevin Harvick down the stretch to claim the Bank Of America 500. With the win, Logano advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

“I knew Harvick was creeping up behind me,” Logano said. “I knew I had to hit my marks to maintain my cushion. I kind of utilized Harvick’s strategy from Dover, because I knew if he got close enough to see my rear end, it would be bad news.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 12th runner-up finish of the year.

“I ‘backed up’ my win in Dover with a second,” Harvick said.

“I am the defending Sprint Cup champion, but that doesn’t mean I’m not extremely motivated to win it again this year. Last year means nothing. In my mind, all evidence of that victory has been destroyed.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Charlotte, the top finisher among Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

“I dealt with some battery issues,” Hamlin said. “As you know, that comes with the positives and the negatives.

“Matt Kenseth has been JGR’s best driver all year, but he struggled at Charlotte. And, if you remember, he had his issues last year at CMS. So for Matt, nothing is a cinch at Charlotte, except Brad Keselowski’s noggin in a headlock.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took sixth at Charlotte, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin, who finished fourth, in the top 10.

“I bumped Dale Earnhardt Jr. and sent him into the wall,” Edwards said. “Now, my status with Earnhardt fans has been upgraded, from ‘unlikeable’ to ‘hated.’”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Charlotte, scoring his eighth top-five result of the year. He is third in the points standings, seven behind Joey Logano.

“NASCAR did a sorry job of cleaning the track of oil and fluid,” Truex said. “But let’s face it, if anyone’s guilty of pulling a slick one, it’s not the track at Charlotte, but Kevin Harvick at Dover.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 20th top 10 of the year.

“There were a lot of cars making contact with the wall,” Keselowski said. “The wall played as big a factor in the Charlotte race as it did in the Dover race. For further explanation, see Kevin Harvick.”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Charlotte and struggled thereafter, battling tight-handling conditions and hitting the wall three times, the last of which ended his day. He eventually finished 42nd.

“We thought we had the No. 20 Dollar General car set up perfectly for Saturday’s night race,” Kenseth said. “Then rain postponed it until Sunday. So, after a tough day on Sunday, we were a day late and a Dollar General short.

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished eighth at Charlotte and has not finished below 14th in the Chase.

“I may be Hendrick Motorsports only hope for the title,” Gordon said. “What’s shocking is that’s a long shot.

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt found trouble early at Charlotte, hitting the wall on lap 70 after making contact with Carl Edwards, then hitting it again after running through a patch of fluid on the track.

“Carl Edwards flat out wrecked me,” Earnhardt said. “I promise revenge is coming. It will be swift and just, and will be called ‘E-taliation.’”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 20th, his day spoiled by an incident with Kyle Larson that damaged his car.

“I damaged the right front of the M&M’s No. 18 Toyota after colliding with Kyle Larson entering the pits,” Busch said. “You can’t blame me for that—I hit the Target.”

October 13, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole after qualifying was canceled and finished seventh at Dover, easily advancing to the Contender Round.

“And then there were 12,” Kenseth said. “Now, we’re headed to Charlotte, where speeds can reach upwards of 190 miles per hour. And, if history is any indication, the cars won’t be the only thing flying—-fists will be, as well.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated at Dover leading 355 of 400 laps and winning when he had to.

“I advanced,” Harvick said. “Jimmie Johnson retreated. And that’s certainly not the first time.”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in the AAA 400 and advanced to the next round of The Chase for the Sprint Cup.

“It’s all about surviving and advancing,” Busch said. “And I did them both at the same time. Add those to the list of things I can do all at once, which includes ‘Whip And Nae Nae.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin, already into the next round with his win at New Hampshire, finished 18th at Dover.

“I took a nice, leisurely Sunday drive,” Hamlin said. “That wasn’t the case for everyone. I’m not saying Kevin Harvick drives like a man possessed, but he emerges from his hauler like a man possessed.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th at Dover and is one of four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers to qualify for the round of 12.

“Kevin Harvick didn’t waste any time taking over the lead,” Edwards said. “He took off like a bat out of hell, or just like the way he left Richard Childress Racing.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Dover, posting his 23rd top-10 of the year. He advances to the Contender Round of the Chase.

“Kevin Harvick showed why he’s the reigning champion,” Logano said. “Jimmie Johnson showed why the Chase format is his biggest obstacle to winning his seventh Cup. Sadly, it was a simple seal that ruined Jimmie’s hopes. On this day, it appeared a mechanical issue was Jimmie’s ‘Achilles Seal.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th in the AAA 400, making his way to the next round of the Chase.

“It wasn’t pretty,” Keselowski said, “but the No. 2 Wurth Ford Fusion, after a rough start, came through when it counted. You could say it was ‘Wurth’ the wait.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 17th at Dover and claimed his spot in the next round of the Chase.

“I think NASCAR was a bit disappointed,” Busch said. “This was a high-pressure elimination race, and the only thing that got punched was a ticket.”

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt, needing a strong finish to make the Chase, took third at Dover to advance to the next round, but just barely. Earnhardt took the 12th and final spot, tied with Jamie McMurray in points but advancing by virtue of a tiebreaker.

“I heard a strange sound,” Earnhardt said. “It turned out I was almost done in by a loose wheel. Ironically, I ‘squeaked’ by.”

10. (tie): Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a rear axle seal failure at Dover, forcing him to the garage and ending his hopes of advancing to the round of 12. Johnson finished 41st, and won’t be winning his seventh Sprint Cup title.

“That was a $5 part,” Johnson said. “The sad part is, I had to pay for it.”

10. (tie): Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished 12th at Dover and made his way to the round of 12.

“The ‘Drive For Five’ is still alive,” Gordon said. “If I could win my fifth Sprint Cup title in my final season, it would be the most emotional experience of my life. That’s why I’m calling my quest ‘Once More With Feeling.’”

October 6, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took advantage of Kevin Harvick’s fuel misfortune to take the Sylvania 300 at Loudon. The win kept Kenseth atop the points standings and guaranteed his spot in the next round of the Chase.

“Harvick clearly had the best car,” Kenseth said. “To lead 216 of 300 laps and not win? That has to be the ultimate feeling of coming up ‘empty.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin backed up his Chicagoland win with a strong second-place finish at New Hampshire, following Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth across the line.

“These Gibbs cars have speed,” Hamlin said, “and their fuel mileage is so good it borders on the mysterious. With apologies to Kevin Harvick, you could say they’re ‘freaky fast.’

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Loudon and finished fifth as the Joe Gibbs Racing driver took three of the top five positions, including Matt Kenseth’s victory.

“There were no punches to the chest after this race,” Edwards said. “But if Kevin Harvick felt the need to punish someone, he would definitely kick himself.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the Sylvania 300 and now sits third in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m in great position to advance to the next round of the Chase,” Logano said. “There’s only one driver that needs to drive like a maniac at Dover, and that’s Kevin Harvick. But he put himself in this position. Of all people, Harvick should know how to ‘baby’ a gas pedal.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Jimmie rallied from a flat tire, which left him a lap down, to finish a solid sixth at Loudon.

“I went to see Kevin Harvick’s gas tank after the race. Instead of emerging calmly from its hauler, it ‘ran out.’

“Jeff Gordon broke the NASCAR record for consecutive starts. That makes him the sport’s ‘Iron Man,’ but it sure as heck doesn’t make him the most hard-headed.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was penalized for jumping a restart and dropped to 25th before rallying to finish 12th.

“Usually,” Keselowski said, “when somebody says ‘punch it,’ I duck instead of getting on the gas.

“Jumping a restart is something that Matt Kenseth can do and get away with. Apparently, Matt is sneaky. You saw it last year – he attacked me in between our team transporters before I even knew it. And even when Matt punches you, you don’t even know it.”

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt ran out of gas on the final lap and finished 25th at New Hampshire. He is 12th in the points standings, one point ahead of Kyle Busch.

“The race at Dover is an elimination race,” Earnhardt said. “And you can’t spell ‘elimination’ without ‘E Nation.’ Of course, the Chase isn’t a spelling bee. Hopefully, I can maintain my spot of 12th or improve on it. Otherwise, I’ll be like an Earnhardt fan in a spelling bee—I won’t make it out of the first round.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch blew a tire on lap 159 and slammed the wall, leading to a 37th-place finish. He is 13th in the points standings, one point behind Dale Earnhardt Jr. in 12th place.

“I’ve got my work cut out for me,” Busch said. “I’ve been behind the Eight-Ball before, which is usually because there’s a state trooper behind me.”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 10th at Loudon, posting his 14th top-10 of the year. Newman is sixth in the points standings, 25 behind Matt Kenseth.

“I’m the Chase driver no one’s talking about,” Newman said. “That’s because I drive for the team no one’s talking about. That would be Richard Childress Racing. Unless I advance to the next round, RCR will have no chance to win the Cup, so our four teams will figuratively pack it in for the season. That’s when ‘RCR’ becomes ‘RCR & R.’”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second in the Sylvania 300 and led 216 of 300 laps, but ran out of gas with three laps remaining, losing the lead and finishing 21st.

“Our calculations said we had plenty of gas to finish the race,” Harvick said. “Am I in serious danger of not advancing to the next round? Well, you do the math, because you’re probably better at it than we are.”

September 29, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin roared back from last place to win the Chase opener at Chicagoland. Hamlin automatically advances to the second round of the Chase, which begins at Dover on October 4.

“I’m going to happily limp into the second round of the Chase,” Hamlin said. “

“What does his punch/shove tell us about Kevin Harvick? Well, for one thing, it tells us he’s a right-handed cry baby.”

2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth posted a fifth at Chicagoland, recording his 11th top five of the year.

“I’m amazed by what went on between Kevin Harvick and Jimmie Johnson,” Kenseth said. “Amazed only because of the following reason: between Kevin and DeLana Harvick, it’s Kevin that got his panties in a wad.”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished second in the MyAfibRisk.Com 400 at Chicagoland.

“Denny Hamlin has punched his ticket to the next round,” Edwards said, “and he didn’t even need a fist. Kevin Harvick seems to have an anger problem. He, as well as his fist, is a ‘ball’ of fury.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick and Jimmie Johnson made contact on a restart, leading to a tire rub on Harvick’s No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevy. The rub led to a blown tire, which left Harvick with a 42nd-place finish.

“Jimmie and I had words,” Harvick said. “Actually, Jimmie had words; I had a fist.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch was leading with 10 laps to go when a caution flew for debris. On the restart, Busch lost the lead and finished third.

“This all seems very fishy to me,” Busch said. “In the last two years, Harvick has been the one to instigate much of the Chase controversy. Is he on NBC’s payroll? If so, he’d be the only one earning his money.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Chicagoland and played a role in the first feud of the Chase. Jimmie Johnson and Kevin Harvick made contact on a restart. Harvick blamed Johnson while Johnson said Logano pushed him into Harvick.

“Don’t ask me to choose sides,” Logano said. “If you do, I’ll just cite gearbox issues and remain ‘neutral.’”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished ninth at Chicagoland, a solid start for the No. 18 car as the Chase heads to New Hampshire, where Busch won in July.

“I won Saturday’s XFINITY Series race,” Busch said, “and was presented the winner’s trophy by the rapper Ludacris. Why is there a rapper at a NASCAR race? Well, there’s no rhyme or reason.”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Chicagoland after controversially tangling with Kevin Harvick midway through the race.

“I went to Harvick to ask what the deal was,” Johnson said. “I went ‘knock, knock, knockin’ on Kevin’s door.’ He was pretty ornery. Much like during the race, I must have rubbed him the wrong way.

“Harvick shoved me once. And I can only guess that he shoved me one time for each Cup championship he’s won.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took eighth in the MyAfibRisk.Com 400 at Chicagoland.

“The Chase For The Cup is only one race old,” Keselowski said, “and already there’s drama. That’s surprising. What’s even more surprising is I’m not in the middle of it.”

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished fifth at Chicagoland, posting his 12th top-five result of the year.

“Who does Kevin Harvick think he is?” Earnhardt said. “If he thinks he’s NASCAR’s big shot, shouldn’t he beat his own chest, and not Jimmie Johnson’s?”

September 22, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 352 of 400 laps and cruised to an easy win in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond. The win was Kenseth’s fourth of the season and places him atop the points standings for the start of the Chase.

“I have the early momentum for the Chase,” Kenseth said. “And speaking of ‘early momentum,’ Joey Logano says I jumped the final restart. I dispute that. If I jumped anything, it was ‘ship,’ when I left Roush Fenway Racing.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled at Richmond, finishing 14th, one lap down, in the final race before the Chase For The Cup.

“It felt like I was driving on flat tires,” Harvick said. “That made the No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevrolet ‘leaky fast.’

“Of course, the tires weren’t really flat. Or were they? The last thing NASCAR needs is its own ‘Deflate-Gate’ controversy.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished eighth at Richmond, posting his 18th top-10 result of the year. By virtue of his one win this year, he will start the Chase with 2,003 points, nine out of first.

“This is where you’ll see the real drivers separated from the pretenders,” Keselowski said. “Or, if you’d care not to wait, I’ll do it for you. Pretenders: Clint Bowyer, Paul Menard, Jamie McMurray. Contenders: everyone else.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Richmond on a commanding night for the Joe Gibbs Racing stable. Matt Kenseth won while Denny Hamlin finished sixth and Carl Edwards took 11th.

“JGR looks like the team to beat,” Busch said. “Kenseth is dominant while Edwards is domineering. Some people say Denny Hamlin isn’t a threat to win because of his injury, but they don’t have a leg to stand on. Me? I certainly have the talent, but history says that once the NASCAR post-season starts, I hit a wall.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2009 points, three points behind four-time winners Jimmie Johnson, Kyle Busch, and Matt Kenseth.

“Kenseth clearly jumped the final restart,” Logano said. “Replays verify it. Sure, Kenseth led 352 of 400 laps, but in this instance, he wasn’t ‘in the zone.’”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 11th in the Federated Auto Parts 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth dominated for the win.

“I traded paint with Kenseth during the race,” Edwards said. “To his credit, Kenseth didn’t give an inch. He’s really manned up. If he wins another championship this year, it seems he will have finally ‘grown a pair.’”

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished fifth at Richmond, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars. Earnhardt will join HMS teammates, Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon in the Chase.

“HMS hasn’t had a win since Daytona in July,” Earnhardt said. “And we really need it. Our team motto for the upcoming race is ‘Just one, baby.’”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth and will enter the Chase For The Cup in first place with 2012 points by virtue of his four wins.

“’2012’ is a great number,” Johnson said. “It was not a good year. That’s when my run of six straight Cups came to an end.

“I just signed a contract extension to remain with Hendrick Motorsports through 2017. That’s good news for a team struggling to find speed heading into the Chase For The Cup. Finally, it’s a good ‘sign’ for HMS.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 15th at Richmond and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2,006 points, six behind the leaders at 2,012.

“Now,” Busch said, “the pressure really heats up. This is when you find out what you’re really made of. Sometimes, you never really know what someone is made of….until you go ‘court-ing.’”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth at Richmond despite driving with a torn right ACL, an injury suffered in a pickup basketball game on Tuesday.

“I probably shouldn’t have been playing basketball,” Hamlin said. “After all, this is the second time I’ve injured my knee. In both cases, I was wearing my favorite sneakers, the ‘Err Hamlins.’ Anyway, my right leg feels a little loose in the center.”

September 16, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 44 laps and finished fifth in the Bojangles Southern 500 at Darlington, posting his 18th top-5 finish of the year.

“It’s great to see the Darlington race back on its traditional weekend,” Harvick said. “I think fans would agree. Ironically, sitting through a 4 hour and 29-minute marathon on Labor Day weekend is truly ‘work.’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Darlington and led a race-high 196 laps. However, Keselowski was beaten out of the pits on the race’s final caution by Carl Edwards. Edwards held on for the win, and Keselowski was left with a disappointing runner-up finish.

“I’m a big fan of the low downforce package we ran at Darlington,” Keselowski said. “As I said before, it separates the race car drivers from the pretenders. And, .902 seconds separates the winner from second place.

“I was sporting the ‘Miller High Life’ paint scheme at Darlington. They call ‘High Life’ the ‘Champagne Of Beers.’ The difference between winning and losing is known as ‘Champagne Or Beers.’”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished eighth at Darlington and officially clinched a spot in the Chase.

“It’s a great day,” Busch said. “Usually, when you hear the word ‘official’ mentioned along with a Busch brother, something’s going on in the NASCAR hauler.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at Darlington, as Penske Racing took two of the top four spots at “The Track Too Tough To Tame.”

“It was ‘throwback’ weekend at Darlington,” Logano said. “With one race left before the Chase, and only three Chase spots up for grabs, Richmond could be ‘throw punch’ weekend.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead late at Darlington, using a quick pit stop to beat Brad Keselowski on the race’s final caution. Edwards pulled away to grab his second victory of the season.

“I went in third and came out first,” Edwards said, “thanks to my pit crew. I owe this win to them. Believe me, they’ll be a part of the victory celebration. Heck, I might even have them DJ the party because they know how to ‘turn tables.’”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth hit the wall on lap 19 and struggled with handling for the duration of the Bojangles Southern 500, finishing 20th.

“It was an otherwise strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards took the lead in the pits and pulled away for the victory, winning by nearly a second. Carl took off like he was shot out of a cannon. Much like he did with Roush Fenway Racing, Carl left in a hurry.”

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt was the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars at Darlington, finishing eighth.

“Right now,” Earnhardt said, “HMS cars aren’t fast enough to compete for wins. With the Chase For The Cup right around the corner, that’s not good. So, much like our current lap speeds, it’s a case of ‘bad timing.’

“In other news, Danica Patrick has become more famous for her yoga poses than for her racing. Should we call her a ‘yoga master’ or a ‘threat to win a race?’ Either way, it’s a stretch.”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished a disappointing 19th at Darlington and is now winless in his last 12 races.

“You probably heard my crew chief Chad Knaus married a former Miss Sprint Cup,” Johnson said. “Hopefully, Chad will have more luck with the ‘Lady In White’ than I did with the ‘Lady In Black.’

“I gave the groom a bottle of ‘Burnt Rubber’ cologne. Chad wore some during Sunday’s race. At a track like Darlington, that’s known as ‘tire wear.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch started second in the Bojangles Southern 500 at Darlington and finished sixth.

“Much like me,” Busch said, “Bojangles is famous for its ‘chicken.’

“You may have heard that I recently became engaged. I asked Ashley Van Metre and she said ‘yes.’ Soon, I’ll pop the question, and ask her if she’s an assassin.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth and had a late run-in with Kurt Busch, whom Truex sent spinning after contact on lap

“Just as Daytona did, Darlington was offering a flag exchange,” Truex said, “in which you could exchange a Confederate flag for an American flag. With race ticket prices skyrocketing and races becoming even less exciting, leave it to NASCAR to offer fan another offer they can refuse.”

September 8, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered from a loose wheel early in the race before picking his way back into the top 5 at Bristol. But a late pit road speeding penalty cost him a chance at the win, finishing eighth.

“It was still a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “JGR went 1-2-3-4 in qualifying and place three cars in the top 10. That’s quite a stable Joe’s got right now. Take my brother Kyle and myself at our worse, and you’ve got yourself an ‘unstable.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Joey Logano over the final laps at Bristol, but Logano’s No. 22 Penske machine was just too strong. Harvick settled for second, his second-consecutive runner-up finish and 11th of the season.

“We certainly weren’t helped by two pit road speeding penalties,” Harvick said. “At 30 miles per hour, a drive-through penalty is brutal. At that speed, Bristol’s pit road is much like Kyle Petty’s ponytail—long and grey.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano won his second straight Bristol night race, holding off Kevin Harvick over the final laps to win the Irwin Tools Night Race.

“I knew I couldn’t make a mistake with Harvick behind me,” Logano said. “Obviously, this Penske driver reacts a little better from a push from Harvick.”

4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth blew an engine early at Bristol, spoiling an otherwise solid day for Joe Gibbs Racing.

“Did this Toyota engine come from Michael Waltrip Racing?” Kenseth said, “because it just quit on me.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was solid at Bristol, finishing fourth for his first top-five result since a second at Daytona in July.

“With six Sprint Cup championships,” Johnson said, “I obviously have the look of a champion. Now, with the new fragrance ‘Burnt Rubber,’ anyone can smell like a champion. And if you have the nerve to go to the fragrance counter and ask for Burnt Rubber, then you certainly won’t be phased by extreme speeds. Just make sure you ask for ‘Burnt Rubber’ by name, lest you may end up with the Jeremy Mayfield knockoff brand, ‘Speed In A Bottle.’”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt took advantage of two “Lucky Dog” free passes and recorded a ninth-place finish at Bristol. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 89 out of first.

“Danica Patrick has a new sponsor in Nature’s Bakery,’” Earnhardt said. “Now people can finally say she’s got ‘natural’ talent and actually believe it.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led four laps and finished sixth in the Irwin Tools Night Race as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano captured the win.

“Logano showed a load of maturity holding off Harvick,” Keselowski said. “That gives Joey three wins this season. I have only one. I guess we know who wears the firesuit on this team.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered from a collection of misfortune at Bristol and finished 28th at Bristol, five laps down.

“They call Bristol Motor Speedway ‘The Last Great Colosseum,’” Truex said. “I guess that means the drivers are gladiators. Instead of fighting to the death, fans in the stands are bored to death.”

9. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 74 laps at Bristol and was out front on lap 355 when he suffered a flat tire. He still managed a seventh-place finish, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch in the top 10.

“A flat tire while leading is the very definition of ‘untimely,’” Edwards said. “What is the very definition of ‘timely?’ Leaving Roush Fenway Racing when I did. Jack Roush may be the ‘Cat In The Hat,’ and chances are he owns the ‘Car In The Rear.’”

10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 14th, one lap down, at Bristol, after damaging his car in an incident with David Ragan.

“What do you expect from a Michael Waltrip Racing driver?” Busch said. “Ragan was driving like there was no tomorrow.

“I guess you’ve heard that MWR released Clint Bowyer from his contract. And I think I’m qualified to announce that Bowyer is not a secret agent, but a free agent.”

August 25, 2015