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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch qualified sixth at Michigan, but a wreck in Saturday’s practice relegated him to the back of the field for the start of Sunday’s race. Despite starting in a backup car, he finished with a strong 11th-place finish that helped solidify his Chase chances.

    “I got the job done with a backup car,” Busch said. “That’s unusual. In years past, I don’t start backing up until the Chase starts.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started seventh and finished second in the Pure Michigan 400, recording his 10th runner-up finish of the year.

    “I, like many drivers, wasn’t happy with the high-drag aero package NASCAR mandated,” Harvick said. “That drag made it impossible for me to get close enough to even attempt a pass on Matt Kenseth. But I tried my darndest. No one has ‘chased the dragin’ like that in NASCAR since Tim Richmond.”

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Michigan and was the strongest car throughout, leading 146 of 200 laps on his way to his third win of the season.

    “When Matt Kenseth controls a race from start to finish,” Kenseth said, “it’s called ‘boredom-ination.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh in the Pure Michigan 400, posting his 17th top 10 of the year.

    “Here are a few words to describe Sunday’s race,” Logano said. “Brutal. Grueling. Uncomfortable. But enough about the fan’s perspective.

    “Seriously though, NASCAR thinks rule changes are the guidepost to racing in which the aerodynamics lead to passing while still maintaining the high speeds that attract fans. Sadly, though, the real ‘fantasy draft’ only happens for football season.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson spun on lap 183 at Michigan and limped home to a 39th-place finish, his second-worst of the year.

    “I finished right between J.J. Yeley and Travis Kvapil,” Johnson said. “They’re not exactly household names. They’re barely ‘racetrack’ names. However, Sunday was one time when Yeley and Kvapil can say they were among the hottest drivers in NASCAR.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 10th at Michigan, posting his 14th top-10 result of the year. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, behind Kevin Harvick.

    “The aerodynamic package for Michigan made for some extreme temperatures in the cockpit,” Earnhardt said. “It reached 150 degrees in some cars. They say you can fry an egg at that temperature. Matt Kenseth chose to ‘make toast.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took third at Michigan, earning his seventh top-five result of the season. He sits fourth in the points standings, 111 out of first.

    “This aerodynamic package made for some boring laps,” Truex said, “and the fans were clearly bored. If NASCAR fans want to see real ‘drag racing,’ I suggest they attend NHRA events. There, the women are actually a ‘Force.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Michigan, recording his 15th top 10 of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 112 out of first.

    “Penske cars had to replace their splitters prior to the race,” Keselowski said. “That was at the behest of NASCAR, who thought the splitters were noncompliant. I guess it’s true that it was, in fact, brutally hot inside the cars, because we got caught red-handed.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 20th at Michigan, only his third finish outside the top 15 this season.

    “It was hot in Michigan on Sunday,” Busch said. “Honestly, I could barely take it. But I’m not complaining. You know what they say: ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the bitchin.’’”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards came home sixth in the Pure Michigan 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing put three cars in the top 6.

    “Joe Gibbs Racing cars went 1-2-3 in qualifying,” Edwards said. “Now that’s what I call putting the ‘success’ in ‘succession.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch kept his hot streak alive with a third-place finish at Watkins Glen, and although he didn’t win, he moved into 30th place in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “We played the finish conservatively,” Busch said. “I took an unnecessary chance last week at Pocono, not to mention one in Iredell County, North Carolina back in 2011. I got busted in both instances.

    “This time, we played it safe. Sometimes, you’ve gotta think ‘big picture.’ And I’m always thinking ‘big picture,’ because that’s the only one my ego will fit in.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick ran out of fuel in the final corner at Watkins Glen, handing Joey Logano the win while settling for third.

    “Logano overtook a car that was out of fuel,” Harvick said. “That’s called ‘passing gas.’ I tried to wreck Logano as he went by. And, much like my fuel tank, it came up empty.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano passed Kevin Harvick in the final corner after Harvick’s fuel ran out, giving Logano the win in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen.

    “I’m just happy to get the win,” Logano said. “Fuel mileage races don’t really tell us who’s best. They do, however, tell us who ‘sucks’ the least.

    “I knew I had plenty of fuel to chase Harvick. And I knew if I pressed the issue, I could make him run out. In essence, I put him back in a Richard Childress Racing car, because he slowed to a crawl.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Despite a late spin caused by Tony Stewart’s blown engine, Johnson salvaged a tenth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “You may have seen me in a commercial for ‘Burnt Rubber,’” Johnson said. “It’s a new fragrance from Sunoco, and it’s left its mark on the cologne industry. Unfortunately, it’s a skid mark. Let’s just be thankful that the latest NASCAR-themed cologne wasn’t called ‘Dick Trickle.’”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, just missing his 14th top-10 finish of the season.

    “It was a tough day for a lot of drivers,” Earnhardt said. “Particularly Tony Stewart. He finished last. Plus, he experienced something that often happen to fans of Junior Nation when they break out their finest china for an important meal—he got ‘served with papers.’”

    6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex qualified second and suffered a flat tire with 22 laps to go, ruining what would have been a solid day and settling for a 25th-place finish.

    “Some drivers ran out of gas,” Truex said, “while some, like me, ran out of air. Others ran out of talent. Still others had no talent to begin with. The remainder drive for Michael Waltrip Racing.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win at Watkins Glen.

    “Joey had luck on his side,” Keselowski said. “My No. 2 Ford did not. Maybe, instead of having ‘Miller Lite’ plastered on the side of my car, we should have had ‘Miller Fortune’ there.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch claimed fifth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, posting his seventh top-5 finish of the year.

    “Kevin Harvick clearly had the fastest car on the track,” Busch said. “Then he ran out of fuel. He was more than ‘good,’ he was best….till the last drop.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led two laps and finished fourth at Watkins Glen, one of three Joe Gibbs Racing cars in the top 10.

    “That’s two consecutive fuel mileage races,” Kenseth said. “I won at Pocono, and was pretty close to winning at Watkins Glen. That really would have established me as a driver who knows how to make a drop of fuel last. I guess I would have been known as the ‘Wizard Of Oz.’”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Watkins Glen, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

    “Did you see Denny Hamlin speeding around the track with his hood up on the No. 11 FedEx Toyota?” Edwards said. “That performance earned Denny the nickname ‘Little Fed Riding Hood.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch inherited the lead when Joey Logano ran out of gas with three laps to go, but Logano’s misfortune was a harbinger of the same for Busch, whose tank ran dry with one lap to go. Busch finished 21st.

    “My fuel tank said ‘E,’” Busch said, “then I said ‘F.’ Who would have thought that my luck and my fuel would have run out at the same time?”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, securing his 14th top 10 of the season.

    “Hendrick Motorsports put three cars in the top six,” Johnson said. “Kasey Kahne put one in the pit lane wall. That’s what you call a pit stop.

    “Pocono’s ‘Tricky Triangle’ indeed proved to be tricky. However, when you’re talking NASCAR, the triangle is not the geometric shape that first comes to mind. That would be the ‘cylinder.’ My fans know there are eight cylinders in the engine of the No. 48. On the other hand, Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s fans know there are 24 of ’em in a case.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s engine blew on lap 20 of the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, relegating him to his worst result of the year, a 42nd.

    “I’m not sure what happened,” Harvick said. “All I know is something went ‘Ke-boom! and the car went ‘Ke-put.’ And out we went in a plume of burning oil and fluids. I was upset, but Tony Stewart was elated. It’s the first time ‘Smoke’s’ had an impact on the Chase all season.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished third at Pocono, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars.

    “It appears Kyle Busch isn’t invincible after all,” Earnhardt said. “For a while there, he was so dominant it looked like he could win without really trying. It took the end of the race on Sunday for validation that yes, he indeed was ‘coasting.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano was leading with three laps to go when his fuel tank ran dry. Instead of his second win of the season, he was left with a 20th-place finish.

    “In retrospect,” Logano said, “the ‘Windows 10 400’ should have been called the ‘Fuel Windows 10 400.’

    “Luckily, no one was hurt when Brad Keselowski hit some of his pit crew when he went screaming into his pit stall. Now, you can add three crewmen to the list of people who believe Brad doesn’t know when to stop.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth grabbed his second win of the year after winning a fuel mileage war at Pocono.

    “I can’t say we found a way to win,” Kenseth said. “I would say the way to win found us.

    “Out pit strategy played out to perfection and resulted in a day I’ll never forget, and I owe it all to my gas can man. To him, I say ‘Tanks for the memories.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran out of fuel with two laps to go, just moments after Joey Logano’s tank went dry while leading. Truex finished 19th and is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

    “There were a lot of cars running out of gas at the end of the race,” Truex said. “So many that it bordered on being suspicious. Was it a mysterious conspiratorial ploy by NASCAR to add excitement to an otherwise boring race? If so, it would have to be called ‘Fume-igate.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, surviving as several cars running in the top five dropped out after running out of fuel.

    “I ran into a few of my crew members on a pit stop,” Keselowski said. “Here’s the rundown on their health—they’re all okay. There’s video of the incident all over the internet, and it’s become very popular. Rumor has it Hollywood wants to base a movie on it. It will be called ‘Boyz On The Hood.’”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 37th at Pocono after an accident on a lap 66 restart sent him to the garage for repairs.

    “On the bright side,” Busch said, “I had plenty of gas in my tank at race’s end. If you don’t believe me, just ask my former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. She’ll tell you I’m still full of it.”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards pitted late for fuel and salvaged a 10th at Pocono, his fifth top-10 result of the year.

    “What a great race,” Edwards said. “I guess NASCAR was right—-slowing the cars down does make for more exciting racing.

    “Not many drivers had the nerve to come in for gas so late in the race,” Edwards said. “Luckily, we had the guts to do it. As they say, you have to take the plunge before you take the splash.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Joey Logano on the final restart to win his first Brickyard 400 and third consecutive race. Busch also won Saturday’s XFINITY Series race at Indy.

    “The No. 18 Skittles car was top notch,” Busch said. “And now I can tell you this: Bricks taste better than the rainbow.

    “Some people have suggested that crashing into the wall at Daytona in February and breaking my left leg and right foot gave me the inspiration for my recent dominant run. I believe that’s entirely true. In fact, there are no bones about it. My injuries gave me a leg up on the competition. And I don’t think I can be stopped. But everyone knows I’m susceptible to mind games. I can’t tell you how many of my rivals have sent me copies of Pink Floyd’s album ‘The Wall.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third in the Brickyard 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 finish of the season.

    “I just couldn’t get a proper push on the restarts,” Harvick said. “Had the situation been reversed and I was the one doing the pushing, you can best believe it would have been a different story. Just ask Brad Keselowski.

    “There were three late cautions that extended the duration of the race. I didn’t think the race would ever end, and judging by the NBC Sports Network’s pre-race coverage, I didn’t think it would ever start.”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 15th at Indianapolis on a disappointing day for Hendrick Motorsports. Johnson was the highest HMS finisher, and Jeff Gordon finished 42nd in his last Brickyard 400 after a spin on lap 50 ended his chances at the win.

    “Clint Bowyer caused the wreck that took out Gordon,” Johnson said. “Afterwards, Bowyer was seen chasing Jeff through the garage to confront him…with an apology.

    “But let’s go easy on the ‘Kyle Busch is championship material’ talk. A Brickyard 400 win is great, but it’s not the end-all. Sure, Crown Royal sponsored the race, so maybe Kyle’s been ‘Royally Crowned,’ but last time I checked, he’s never been officially crowned.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 22nd at Indianapolis and is now third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 100 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “It was just an unlucky day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Earnhardt said. “But congratulations to Kyle Busch. What a drive he had. Now, he’s got four wins in just nine races this season. That’s a handful, which is exactly what Kyle was when Rick Hendrick jettisoned him back in 2007.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano led the first lap at Indianapolis and was battling for the win at the end, but couldn’t catch Kyle Busch in the two-lap sprint to the finish.

    “Busch is on a roll,” Logano said, “and his attitude has improved dramatically. I guess marriage and fatherhood have mellowed him. Now, the only time Kyle ‘shows his ass’ is at the finish line.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth in the Brickyard 400, posting his sixth top-five finish of the year and first in the last five races.

    “Passing was at a minimum,” Truex said, “thanks to the higher rear spoiler. The aerodynamics of that made it nearly impossible to pass. That’s called ‘drag,’ and trust me, as a former driver for Michael Waltrip Racing, no one looks good in ‘drag.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Indianapolis, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished second, in the top 10.

    “I’m not the biggest Kyle Busch fan,” Keselowski said, “but even I have to commend him for his recent tear. Kyle Busch is an ass…….kicker.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch took eighth at Indianapolis as younger brother Kyle won his first Brickyard 400. Kurt is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 165 out of first.

    “My brother Kyle has won three consecutive NASCAR races,” Busch said, “and four of the last five. I’ve won twice. So, between us, Kyle and I have six wins and one stable relationship with a woman.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh in the Brickyard 400 on a dominant day for Joe Gibbs Racing. Teammate Kyle Busch won, Denny Hamlin finished fifth, and Carl Edwards started from the pole.

    “There were nine cautions in the race,” Kenseth said. “There was even a caution for balloons on the track. They were yellow and inflated, so I’m going to call them ‘Miss Sprint Cups.’”

    10. (tie) Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth in the Crown Royal 400, and is now 10th in the points standings.

    “Kyle Busch is in one of the most dominant stretches NASCAR has seen in years,” Hamlin said. “He’s won at a 1.5-mile track at Kentucky, a one-mile track at New Hampshire, and a 2.5-mile oval at Indianapolis. He’s like Jeremy Mayfield—-he can find speed anywhere.”

    10. (tie) Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Indianapolis and finished 13th.

    “That was my second consecutive start from the pole,” Edwards said. “Of course, I didn’t win either race, so you didn’t get to see my celebratory backflip. Who cares, right? Everybody knows Kyle Busch has the best finishing move in NASCAR.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth in the Quaker State 400, recording his 13th top 10 of the year.

    “Junior’s wasn’t the only car that was ‘unstoppable,’” Johnson said. “Those Joe Gibbs Racing cars were as well, and it had nothing to do with brakes.

    “Hopefully, Junior and Danica Patrick can work out their differences. Junior has already apologized. I suggest Danica accept it and move on. In other words, she needs to put the whole situation in her rear-view mirror. Unfortunately, the only thing she usually sees in her rear-view mirror is the leader.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 15th and finished a solid eighth at Kentucky. He continues to lead the Sprint Cup points standings, holding a 68-point lead over Jimmie Johnson and Joey Logano.

    “Thankfully,” Harvick said, “there were no cars going airborne. What happened at Daytona shouldn’t happen at a NASCAR race. The only things that should be in the stands are fights, not debris. Sadly though, keeping tires on the ground is inversely proportionate to keeping fans in the seats.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt battled brake issues for much of Saturday’s Quaker State 400 and finished 21st.

    “I even got into the back of Danica Patrick,” Earnhardt said. “And she told me to go ‘F’ myself. ‘F’ seems to be here favorite letter. ‘L’ is high on the list, also. ‘W’ is certainly not.

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished a disappointing 17th at Kentucky and has now gone three races without a top 10 after posting only one finish outside the top 10 to start the season.

    “You can call it a slump,” Truex said, “but what’s really news is the ‘bump.’ That’s what Dale Earnhardt Jr. did to Danica Patrick when his brakes failed and he slammed the back of her car. It’s a pity that Junior ruined Danica’s night, because she was destined to finish first, no doubt. Talk about a ‘rear spoiler.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano led 23 laps and finished second at Kentucky, posting his 10th top-10 of the year.

    “I had nothing for Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “He passed me and was gone. Kudos to Kyle, though. He did something my father never could, and that’s leave me alone.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski had the car to challenge Kyle Busch, but a string of slow pit stops ruined his chances for the win. He still finished sixth and is sixth in the points standings, 133 out of first.

    “My guys put the ‘stop’ in ‘pit stop,’” Keselowski said. “We pretty much just gave the race to Kyle. And if I give the race to Kyle, you can assuredly assume that he will assent to taking advantage of it.

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his fifth consecutive top-10 finish with a 10th at Kentucky, as little brother Kyle won in impressive fashion.

    “Kyle beat Joey Logano to the checkered flag,” Busch said, “which just supports the old adage, ‘Bro’s before Jo’s.’ And Kyle took his customary ‘bow’ after the win. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t perform a ‘Kurt-sy’ after I win.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fifth as Joe Gibbs Racing dominated at Kentucky, with Kyle Busch winning and all four JGR cars placing in the top-five.

    “Obviously, we’re all big fans of NASCAR’s new aerodynamic rules package,” Kenseth said. “Especially Chad Knaus, who lives by the mantra ‘More rules means more rules to break.’”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch passed Joey Logano with 19 laps to go and ran away with the victory in the Quaker State 400. Busch has now won two of the last three races and now sits 35th in the points standings.

    “I went by Logano,” Busch said, “then went bye.

    “Gibbs Racing was strong up and down the line. Carl Edwards’ fourth-place finish was some welcome good news for Subway in the wake of the Jared Fogle scandal. Carl, in fact, was thrilled with his car’s handling. So it’s good for him that Jared’s ‘hard drive’ is in the news and not Carl’s.”

    10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished seventh in his final race at Kentucky Speedway. He is 10th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 155 out of first.

    “I’ve never won at Kentucky,” Gordon said, “so I’m disappointed. Kentucky is known for a lot of things, like their horses, their chicken, their jelly and their bourbon. I was honored with 24 bottles of the latter from each of the state’s four master distilleries. I’m sure most NASCAR fans can relate when I say I just got ‘liquored up.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Daytona as a massive crash developed back in the field as the leaders crossed the finish line. Hendrick teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the race while HMS cohort Jeff Gordon took sixth.

    “I don’t think you can necessarily blame anyone for the carnage on the last lap,” Johnson said, “so I don’t think anyone should be punished for it. But Austin Dillon should certainly be ‘grounded.’

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took fourth at Daytona, but not before making contact with Denny Hamlin, who hit Austin Dillon’s No. 3 and sent it airborne into the fence. Dillon was not hurt, and Harvick remained atop the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “Dillon’s No. 3 car went flying in the air,” Harvick said. “I know exactly what it’s like to be a Richard Childress Racing driver and feel like things are ‘up in the air.’ But I knew he’d be okay because I’m an optimist, not a pessimist, and certainly not a nepotist.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After qualifying was rained out, Earnhardt started on the pole at Daytona and won the rain-delayed Coke Zero 400, which ended at well past midnight.

    “That race ended at 2:41 on Monday morning,” Earnhardt said, “and it ended with a scary crash that really freaked me out. So, the night ended with an ‘A.M.’ on the clock and a ‘B.M.’ in my pants.

    “I’m up to second in the points standings. And my two wins puts me in great position in the Chase For The Cup. But if I don’t win the championship, I’ll be all right. I’m in love with the idea of winning the Sprint Cup title, but I’m not married to it.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: One week after a miserable day at Sonoma, Truex was collected in a crash triggered by Kasey Kahne that left Truex with a 38th-place finish.

    “My accident was nothing compared to the last-lap incident,” Truex said. “That was frightening. You’ve heard of ‘three-wide’ racing. Austin Dillon went ‘three-high.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano, who won the Daytona 500 in February to open the season, finished 22nd despite falling four laps down early in the race.

    “It was a grueling day at Daytona,” Logano said. “The race didn’t go green until 11:42 Sunday night and ended at 2:41 Monday morning. So, like most NASCAR races, fans were asleep by the end.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch, seeking his third win of the season, brought home a fifth-place finish in the Coke Zero 400, the culmination of a crash-filled weekend at Daytona International Speedway.

    “Brad Keselowski wrecked my brother Kyle in Friday’s practice,” Busch said. “And NBC, back covering NASCAR, was there to broadcast it. They’re proud as a peacock while Keselowski is still a chicken.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s No. 2 Alliance Truck parts Ford was damaged in a mid-race pileup that eventually left him with a 29th-place finish in the Coke Zero 400. He is now seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 136 out of first.

    “It was a tough day for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “Both Joey Logano and I found our fair share of trouble on the track, plus we didn’t have the speed anyway to match the Hendrick cars. On the plus side, it’s a good time not to be considered ‘race-ist.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 23rd at Daytona while Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin spun across the finish line in third after contact sent Austin Dillon’s car rocketing over three lanes of traffic in a spectacular final lap crash.

    “Dillon went airborne and slammed into the catchfence,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards knows exactly what it feels like to be Dillon, because Carl’s never won a championship either.

    “Daytona offered a ‘flag exchange in which you could turn in your Confederate flag for an American flag. It’s just too bad Alan Kulwicki can’t be there to provide a ‘Pole.’”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 15th at Daytona and moved up one spot in the points standings to sixth, 130 out of first.

    “Thank goodness everyone’s okay following that huge last-lap crash,” McMurray said. “As it was, the race itself was the only thing that was ‘in morning.’”

    10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished sixth in the Coke Zero 400 on a strong day for Hendrick Motorsports, as teammates Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson finished 1-2, respectively.

    “What a great race by Dale and Jimmie,” Gordon said. “I’m proud to call those guys my teammates. I can also call them business partners, associates and friends. Heck, I could even call them my confederates. Now, all that remains to be seen is what will fly longer, the Confederate flag, or our race cars themselves.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth at Sonoma, passed by eventual winner Kyle Busch with six laps remaining. Johnson is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 70 out of first.

    “Maybe we should have pitted during that final caution,” Johnson said. “But we had a strategy and we wanted to stick to it. I’m not one to question any decision Chad Knaus makes. If he says ‘Jump,’ usually I say ‘How high?’ Chad then says, ‘1/32 of an inch beyond NASCAR specifications.’

    “Busch was driving like a man possessed. He really took this Sonoma ‘making wine from grapes’ thing to heart and ‘stepped on it.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Sonoma, posting his eleventh top-five result of the year. He’s on top of the points standings with a 53-point lead on Martin Truex Jr.

    “Congratulations to Kyle Busch on his win,” Harvick said. “He’s one step closer to making the Chase. That means that Kyle, along with his brother Kurt, will both likely make the Chase. And just when I thought I was done with the ‘terrible two’s.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s day at Sonoma ended early when he was wrecked by David Ragan on lap 31. Truex finished 42nd, his worst finish of the year.

    “Ragan just plain ran me off the road,” Truex said. “He was driving that Michael Waltrip Racing No. 55 sponsored by Aaron Rents. I promise there will be revenge. Much like a sucker who rents furniture at outrageous interest rates from a place like that, there will be ‘hell to pay.’”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished seventh in the Save Mart 350 as Hendrick Motorsports drivers took positions 6, 7 and 8. Jimmie Johnson finished sixth, Kasey Kahne took eighth and Jeff Gordon came home 16th.

    “We’ve got Microsoft 10 sponsorship on the No. 88 car,” Earnhardt said. “That just shows you how times have changed in NASCAR. My father used to call some of his rivals tiny and weak, or ‘Microsoft.’

    “As you know, I became engaged a couple of weeks ago. I’m sure I disappointed a lot of female Junior Nation members. But let’s face it, I’m just a bit out of their league. I wouldn’t touch them with a 10-Foot Coors Light Pole,’ much less ask them to marry me.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Sonoma, posting his eighth top-five result of the year.

    “What a run by Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “With Sonoma being wine country and me being ‘Sliced Bread,’ I’d like to propose a ‘toast.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch started second on the grid at Sonoma and finished second to younger brother Kyle Busch in the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “Kyle celebrated with a glass of wine in Victory Circle,” Busch said. “And I’m so happy for him. People like it better when the Busch brothers are happy. When we’re not, it’s a case of fortified ‘whine.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled to a 19th-place finish in the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “Brian France wants to remove the Confederate flag from NASCAR,” Keselowski said. “And he’s not just whistling Dixie. But let’s be real. The one flag NASCAR needs to get rid of most is the yellow.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started third at Sonoma and finished 21st as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch charged to the win.

    “Now all four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers have a win this season,” Kenseth said. “This time, Kyle Busch drove his tail off, as opposed to his leg. Then he did donuts in Victory Lane and donuts are the closest he wants to get to the police these days.”

    9. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished eighth in the Toyota Save Mart 350 at Sonoma, recording his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “Now that Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is engaged,” Kahne said, “I’m now NASCAR’s most eligible bachelor. But I’m in no hurry to get hitched. Let’s just say I like to play the field, which means I’m currently involved with 43 women.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch won for the first time this year and a mere five weeks after returning from a broken leg suffered at Daytona in February, taking the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “For those who doubted my ability after such an injury,” Busch said, “this win in Northern California wine country should put a cork in it.

    “The road course at Sonoma has more twists and turns than the Kurt Busch-Patricia Driscoll saga. I think Kurt now knows better than to get involved with an assassin. We’ll see whether women will know better than to get involved with an ass.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet was damaged when he went three-wide early in the Quicken Loans 400. The consequences cost Johnson track position and he eventually finished 19th after battling his way back for the remainder of the race.

    “You heard right,” Johnson said. “I went three-wide. That’s something the average NASCAR fan can’t relate to. But they can come close because the average NASCAR fan can certainly relate to going ‘double-wide.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 63 laps at Michigan, but his day was derailed by tire troubles that left him with a 29th-place finish, his worst result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 15 over Martin Truex Jr.

    “Hey,” Harvick said, “finishing 29th isn’t all that bad. ‘29’ was my car number at Richard Childress Racing. And finishing 29th reminded me why I left RCR in the first place.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took third in the Quicken Loans 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 of the year. He trails Kevin Harvick by 15 in the points standings.

    “Rain interrupted Sunday’s race four times,” Truex said. “In fact, there were so many water ‘breaks,’ it reminded me of pregnant NASCAR wives.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second at Michigan, tops among Hendrick Motorsports drivers. He is fourth in the points standings, 68 out of first.

    “The No. 88 Chevy was sponsored by Amp Energy’s new ‘Passion Fruit’ flavor,” Earnhardt said. “I’m not sure that flavor appeals to the good people of Junior Nation. If there’s a fruit they’re passionate about, it better be in the form of schnapps.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano placed fifth in the Quicken Loan 400, posting his eighth top-five finish of the year.

    “How did Kurt Busch pull out the win?” Logano said. “The rain came at precisely the right moment. And all this time I thought he was trying to get the dark cloud away from him.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fifth, in the top 10.

    “Logano won at Daytona,” Keselowski said, “and I won at California. And Penske hasn’t won since. You could say we’re just ‘coasting.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took fourth at Michigan, scoring his sixth top-five result of the season.

    “My son, Ross, got his first win in the ARCA racing series on Friday night,” Kenseth said. “Obviously, talent runs in the family. There are a lot of drivers who’ll argue that I’m the only thing that ‘runs’ in the family.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Kurt Busch won the rain-shortened Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, taking the lead when Kyle Larson was forced to pit for fuel. A downpour ensued, and Busch had his second win of the year.

    “I won today,” Busch said. “That means I have a checkered present to go along with my checkered past.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Michigan after starting 13th on the grid.

    “Congratulations to Kurt Busch,” Hamlin said. “After two wins this season, he must feel vindicated. Especially now that the feds are investigating his former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. Apparently, her most covert operation may have been her accounting.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh in the Quicken Loans 400, scoring his third consecutive seventh-place finish.

    “I feel for Kyle Larson,” McMurray said. “He deserved the win, but the rain, or lack thereof, cost him. If the weather were as predictable as racing itself, Larson would have had the win.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Fresh off a win at Dover, Johnson finished third in the Axalta 400 at Pocono, his ninth top-five of the year. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 78 out of first.

    “I blew a tire on lap 87,” Johnson said, “but I was still able to pull out a third. I’ve got to hand it to my pit crew for getting me back out there quickly. It was a ‘change’ that even Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner’s doctors would be proud of.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick couldn’t catch Martin Truex Jr. down the stretch at Pocono and settled for second, his 10th runner-up finish of the season. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 39 over Truex.

    “Congratulations to Martin for his win in the ‘Axalta 400,” Harvick said. “Axalta’s slogan may be ‘We paint winners.’ For 10 races this season, my slogan has been ‘We ain’t winners.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 97 of 160 laps at Pocono and finally won for the first time this season, taking the Axalta 400.

    “I feel like the monkey is off my back,” Truex said. “That’s also how I felt after leaving Michael Waltrip Racing.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt started on row 10 at Pocono and brought home an 11th-place finish, as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top 14.

    “Martin Truex’s win was a popular one for everyone involved in NASCAR,” Earnhardt said. “Even the good people of Junior Nation couldn’t help but applaud. As usual, the clap was rampant among my fans.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano fell a lap down early but strongly rebounded for a fourth-place finish, his seventh top-five finish of the year. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 79 out of first.

    “I have a cameo in the ‘Sharknado 3’ movie,” Logano said. “’Cameo’ means you show up once. They call me ‘Sliced Bread,’ and that makes my part in the movie the ‘roll’ of a lifetime.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s day at Pocono soured when he got into the back of the No. 34 car of Brett Moffitt with 32 laps to go. Keselowski eventually finished 17th and is sixth in the points standings, 118 out of first.

    “I was this close to avoiding that No. 34 car,” Keselowski said. “It reminds me of a story I’ve read my newborn girl—‘Little Miss Moffitt.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth topped all Joe Gibbs Racing drivers at Pocono, finishing sixth for his eighth top-10 of the year.

    “They call Pocono ‘The Tricky Triangle,’” Kenseth said. “And speaking of shapes, I’m known as the ‘Shifty Square.’

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin, a four-time winner at Pocono, finished 10th in the Axalta 400, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year.

    “As you may know,” Hamlin said, “Axalta is known for its coatings. And they are a primary sponsor of Jeff Gordon’s No. 24 Chevrolet. That means they pay him to put their product on his car. And that’s called a cover charge.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Pocono, posting his sixth top-10 finish of the year.

    “Ten different drivers have won races this year,” McMurray said. “One of those is Martin Truex Jr. He’s qualified for The Chase For The Cup, and no one can take that away from him. But we’ll see.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Pocono, his third pole of the season, and finished fifth in the Axalta 400.

    “What a race by Martin Truex Jr.,” Busch said. “He totally dominated the second half of the race. He really went in for the kill, but I’ll stop short of calling him an assassin.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led the final 23 laps and won the FedEx 400, capturing his 10th win in 27 starts at the famous one-mile track and his fourth win overall.

    “Ten wins at one track is quite an accomplishment,” Johnson said. “If there was any doubt that I’m one of the greatest drivers in history, my dominance at Dover is concrete proof.

    “We were penalized by NASCAR for some minor infractions. As we well know from the plight of Jeremy Mayfield, NASCAR severely frowns upon ‘tweaking.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Dover, posting his ninth top-five finish and eighth runner-up of the year. He leads the points standings with a 41-point lead over Martin Truex Jr.

    “Jimmie Johnson won for the 10th time at Dover,” Harvick said. “That’s truly a groundbreaking achievement. Of course, any achievement is ‘groundbreaking’ at Dover—that track is falling to pieces.

    “The No. 4 Chevy featured the Ditech paint scheme. Ditech is a home loan service, as well as one of my biggest supporters. They give me ‘credit’ all the time, in addition to showing lots of interest.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: For the third consecutive race, Truex led the most laps, but fell short of winning. At Dover, Truex led 131 laps and finished sixth.

    “Am I going to win a race this year?” Truex said. “Please, I’d prefer not to be asked ‘leading’ questions.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th in the FedEx 400, three laps down, following a pit road speeding penalty.

    “First, we had to start at the rear of the field after changing a rear gear,” Earnhardt said, “then the No. 88 car had a radio issue early in the race. Let’s just say things didn’t sound good all day. Luckily, our radio issues don’t happen with great frequency.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 11th at Dover, one spot ahead of Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski.

    “I just turned 25 years old,” Logano said. “But listen, I’m no spring chicken. Well, that is unless you ask Ryan Newman. According to Newman, if it’s between March 21 and June 21 and I’m avoiding him, then I’m a ‘spring chicken.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took 12th in the FedEx 400 at Dover, one lap down after starting 19th. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 102 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “What a run by Jimmie Johnson,” Keselowski said. “Ten wins at one track is one heck of an accomplishment, and JJ celebrated appropriately with a beer. Oh, it wasn’t ‘Miller Time’ for Johnson; it was ‘miler’ time.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth suffered a broken front suspension and finished 39th at Dover, his worst finish of the year.

    “Kyle Busch was strong until he wrecked with Brian Scott,” Kenseth said. “Then Kyle stuck his head in Scott’s car and gave him a piece of his mind. Kyle may have broken his leg, but he definitely hasn’t broken character.”

    8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon charged late at Dover and grabbed a 10th-place finish, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

    “The No. 24 car looked a lot like Greg Biffle’s No. 16 used to,” Gordon said. “3M told Biffle last year, ‘It’s no go with our logo.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Dover, but things didn’t finish as well as they started. A late crash left Hamlin with a 21st, while no other Joe Gibbs Racing driver finished better than 19th.

    “Carl Edwards’ 19th was the best finish among JGR drivers,” Hamlin said, “but he didn’t even finish on the lead lap. One week after winning at Charlotte, Carl went from back flipping to back marking.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch was involved in a late incident with Brian Scott that knocked him out of the top 10. After numerous pits stops and several flat tires, Busch limped home with a 31st at Dover.

    “There’s only one thing I’ve blown more than tires,” Busch said, “and that’s gaskets.”