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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Charlotte, recording his 11th top-10 finish of the year. He leads the points standings, ahead of Martin Truex Jr. by 41.

“The Coke 600 marked the return of Kyle Busch,” Harvick said, “and he finished a solid 11th. He was in the No. 18 Skittles car. As you may know, the Skittles motto is ‘Taste the Rainbow.’ A typical rainbow is usually comprised of seven colors, which is six more than a typical crowd at a NASCAR race.”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson lost control on lap 273 at Charlotte and slammed the inside wall, ruining his night in the Coca-Cola 600. He eventually finished 40th, 30 laps behind.

“Thank goodness that SAFER barrier was there,” Johnson said. “The crash may have looked violent, but it was not. In fact, it was a ‘Lowe’s impact’ collision.

“One year ago, that SAFER barrier wasn’t even in place. Back then, with the letters rearranged, it was called the FEARS barrier.”

3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished third in the Coca-Cola 600, posting his seventh top-five of the season. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“You know who else finished third?” Earnhardt said. “Lewis Hamilton at the Formula 1 Grand Prix Of Monaco. Somebody asked Lewis after the race what it felt like to give away the win like that. He said, ‘It’s the pits.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano led 17 laps and finished 13th at Charlotte while Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took seventh. Logano is third in the points standings, 66 behind Kevin Harvick.

“What a race by Juan Pablo Montoya at Indianapolis,” Logano said. “He celebrated with the traditional bottle of milk. Now, if you would have told me before the race about a Colombian and a ‘white substance,’ milk certainly wouldn’t have entered my mind.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led a race-high 131 laps in the Coca-Cola 600 and finished fifth, earning his 11th top 10 of the year.

“I hate to be a whiner,” Truex said, “but I lost a fuel mileage race, outdone by drivers who saved gas. And I’m not happy. They’re celebrating in the ‘conservatory,’ which is the same place I play the world’s smallest violin.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished tenth at Charlotte, posting his fifth top 10 of the year.

“I was proud of my brother Kyle,” Busch said. “He had a great finish at Charlotte. He wanted to return sooner, but I talked him out of it. I quoted an Iredell County sheriff when I said, ‘What’s your rush?’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh in the Coca-Cola 600 and is now sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I welcomed a baby girl into the world on Saturday,” Keselowski said. “I don’t think she looks a bit like me, but people tell me she’s got my gums. I even had to look over my shoulder for Kevin Harvick when the doctor told my girlfriend Paige White to ‘push.’”

8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on pole at Charlotte and finished fourth after leading 26 laps. He is seventh in the points standings, 101 out of first.

“Carl Edwards was finally able to perform his signature back flip,” Kenseth said. “That’s the first time since joining JGR that he’s landed on his feet.”

9. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead on lap 382 at Charlotte and ran away from the field, taking the Coca-Cola 600 win, his first in 31 races and first as a Joe Gibbs Racing driver.

“It was great to take the No. 19 car with Subway sponsorship to victory lane,” Edwards said. “Up until Charlotte, I don’t think I’ve done my sponsors justice. You could say my performance was ‘Sub par.’”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Charlotte on a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing, as all four JGR drivers finished in the top 11, with Carl Edwards taking the win.

“Sunday was a great day for motor racing,” Hamlin said, “and a great day for Toyota at Charlotte. Nico won at Monaco, Juan Pablo won at Indianapolis, and Tokyo won at Charlotte.”

May 26, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s gamble in the pits paid off and he captured his second win of the year, winning the SpongeBob SquarePants 400 at Kansas.

“We stayed out to win it,” Johnson said. “It’s too bad no one stayed up to see it.

“I called my wife Chandra after the race, but accidentally Face-timed her. She wasn’t too happy about that, and I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive me. But I’m hoping. Let’s just say we both seriously need some ‘make up.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Jimmie Johnson to the finish line at Kansas but was unable to catch him, instead settling for the runner-up finish, his sixth second-place finish of the year.

“Johnson edged me by less than a second,” Harvick said. “For a race that lasted well past sundown, it was a true ‘Nick At Night.’”

3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home third in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400, as the Hendrick Motorsports drivers took three of the top 4 spots, with Jimmie Johnson capturing the win.

“Hendrick has flexed its muscles in the last two weeks,” Earnhardt said. “Our engines are a direct reflection of Rick Hendrick because the engines, much like Rick, are ‘loaded.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Kansas and finished fifth in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 62 out of first.

“Even though I didn’t win,” Logano said, “I had a great time racing in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400. It was the closest thing to childhood I’ve ever experienced.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex pitted for fuel only during the race’s final caution, a decision that made him vulnerable to cars behind him with fresh tires. Truex still finished ninth, earning his 10th top-10 of the year.

“We had a car capable of winning,” Truex said. “We led a race-high 95 laps, but lost the lead after a mistake in the pits. One would think that in a car sponsored by Furniture Row, we’d be able to ‘sit’ on a lead. But it was not to be, and I can’t ‘couch’ my disappointment. Now my detractors will continue to say I can’t win a race, a criticism that a victory would surely put to bed.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch took eighth at Kansas, posting his third top-10 of the year.

“I’ve got a lot in common with SpongeBob SquarePants,” Busch said. “We both have a teammate named ‘Patrick,’ and neither ‘Patrick’ has won a Sprint Cup race.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400, scoring his seventh top-10 of the year.

“First the ‘SpongeBob SquarePants 400,” Keselowski said. “What’s next? The ‘Adventure Time 500?’ If that’s the case, the race will air on the ‘Car Tune Network.’”

8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished sixth at Kansas, posting his sixth top-10 result of the year. He is seventh in the points standings, 106 out of first.

“It was an otherwise disappointing day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards had the next best finish with a 20th. Carl has only one top-10 finish this year. I think Joe Gibbs has second thoughts about hiring him. With Carl in mind, if there’s one thing Joe would like to see ‘flipped,’ it’s the script.”

9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 13 at Kansas in the rain-delayed SpongeBob SquarePants 400.

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s spin brought out the last caution,” McMurray said. “In SpongeBob speak, that’s called going ‘Skidward.’”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at Kansas and is now 11th in the points standings, 125 out of first.

“What do you know?” Almirola said. “The SpongeBob SquarePants 400, a sea-themed NASCAR race. I’ve heard of ‘mussel’ cars, but this is ridiculous!”

May 12, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick qualified 24th at Talladega and struggled to find speed for much of the day. Then, the No. 4 Stewart-Haas Chevy received front-end damage after being caught up in a lap 47 accident. Despite his troubles, Harvick scored a solid eighth-place finish and remained atop the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m not thrilled,” Harvick said, “but I’m ‘Happy.’ Even when I don’t win, it’s easy to put on a ‘Happy’ face.

“When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And, when the damage gets severe, I persevere. I’m not sure what happened on lap 47. It looks like David Ragan ran out of talent, as they say.

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started third at Talladega as Hendrick Motorsports cars took four of the top five spots in qualifying. Johnson took the runner-up spot behind HMS teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr.

“What do you know?” Johnson said. “On a weekend when many high-schoolers were off to proms, it was ‘Junior Prom’ at Talladega, and I escorted Dale right to the finish line.”

3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt led a race-high 67 laps and won at Talladega for the first time since 2004.

“I took the win at Talladega,” Earnhardt said, “and the crowd roared. When my fans get loud, they scream at the top of their lungs. And trust me, they mean it from the bottom of their hearts, and their livers.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano suffered significant damage when he was collected in a lap 47 accident triggered when David Ragan’s No. 6 car got loose. Logano eventually finished 33rd, two laps down, and now has two results of 33rd or worse in his last three races.

“I did win on Saturday in the Xfinity Series race,” Logano said. “I had to make a last-lap block to preserve the win. That was an intense race. And let’s face it, an intense race is what Talladega is all about, because the circuit’s huge infield is utopia for the real ‘in tents race,’ which is white people camping out.

“All the talk at Talladega was about ‘the draft. And speaking of ‘The Draft,’ if you put Jameis Winston in a car at Talladega, he’d no doubt ‘steal’ a win.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fifth in the Geico 500, posting his ninth top-10 result of the season. He is now second in the points standings, 40 behind Kevin Harvick.

“Talladega is NASCAR’s longest super speedway,” Truex said. “’Super Speed Way’ also happens to be the street in Owensboro, Kentucky that the Mayfield’s call home. On that street, there is no speed limit.”

6. Kurt Busch: One week after winning at Richmond, Busch posted a respectable 12th at Talladega.

“GoDaddy is dropping their sponsorship of my teammate Danica Patrick’s No. 10 car,” Busch said. “I guess they didn’t want to spend the money. How much money is that, anyway? I’m not sure, but it has to be a ‘father figure.’ Now, people can sarcastically ask Danica the same question they ask Joey Logano—-where’s your Daddy?’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 22nd on a tough day for Penske Racing, as teammate Joey Logano finished 33rd. Keselowski is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 89 out of first.

“This race had about as much excitement as the Floyd Mayweather-Manny Pacquiao fight,” Keselowski said. “Mayweather and Pacquiao made a combined $200 million for the fight. And, much like in racing, there was a ‘check-ered’ flag waved at the end.”

8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne started on the front row alongside pole sitter and Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon at Talladega. Unfortunately, his day soured when his No. 5 Chevrolet was damaged in a lap 47 pileup that involved 16 cars. Kahne eventually finished 34th, 30 laps down.

“Gordon and I started 1-2,” Kahne said. “Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson finished 1-2. All this talk about the ole 1-2, and oddly enough, none of it had to do with anyone punching Brad Keselowski.

“But congratulations to Junior. He did what he had to do to win. And Jimmie did what he had to do to for Junior to win. I hear JJ’s headed to Key West, Florida to open his new bar. It’s called ‘Jimmie Buffer’s.’”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led five laps and finished ninth at Talladega, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“I hear Jeff Gordon is driving the pace car at the Indianapolis 500 on May 24th. I’m not sure what the pit road speed limit for a pace car at Indy is, but I am sure Jeff will exceed it.”

10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray just missed a top-10 finish in the Geico 500 with an 11th at Talladega. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“There was a lot of single file racing on Sunday,” McMurray said. “Now at Talladega, when you ask about the ‘lineup,’ you have to specify whether you mean qualifying or the actual race. Talladega is the world’s fastest game of Follow The Leader.”

May 5, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second to Stewart-Haas teammate Kurt Busch at Richmond, as Harvick scored the runner-up spot for the fifth time this season.

“Kurt deserved the win,” Harvick said. “He was by far the best car in the field, and everyone knew it. Kurt proved that his girlfriend isn’t the only thing he can ‘throttle.’

“I was honored at the White House on Tuesday. Basically, President Obama and I discussed aerodynamics. We both think spoilers are important; I just prefer the ‘right wing’ to the ‘left wing.’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started 36th and worked his way inside the top 10 quickly on his way to a third in the Toyota Owners 400. It was Johnson’s fifth top-5 result of the year, and he is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 58 behind Kevin Harvick.

“I hear Harvick visited the White House,” Johnson said. “I’ve been there and done that, several times. Trust me, I know what it’s like to be surrounded by security. Usually, it’s when Chad Knaus is running ‘secret service’ on the No. 48 in the garage.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano dominated early at Richmond, starting from the pole and leading the first 94 laps on his way to a fifth-place finish.

“They call me ‘Sliced Bread,’” Logano said. “Just a few short weeks ago, they called Kurt Busch ‘Toast.’”

4. Kurt Busch: Busch was the class of the field for much of Sunday’s race at Richmond, leading 291 laps on his way to the win, his first in 35 races. The victory likely qualifies Busch for the Chase for the Cup field.

“The No. 41 Stewart-Haas Chevy handled great,” Busch said. “Finally, we can talk about my car’s suspension, and not mine.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished a disappointing 17th at Richmond after dropping a cylinder on lap 254.

“When you mention ‘No. 2’ and ‘dropped a cylinder’ in the same sentence,” Keselowski said, “you can assume your day has ‘gone to pot.’

“Kurt Busch just made the Chase field. Now, let’s see if Kyle Busch can. Brian France said he may grant Kyle a waiver when he returns to racing, meaning Kyle could make the Chase with a win despite not being in the top 30 in points. Let’s not automatically assume Kyle will win and make the field. If we assume, Kyle could make an ass out of you and me.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex posted his eighth top-10 finish of the year with a 10th in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

“Chevrolets took the top four spots at Richmond,” Truex said, “while the best Toyota finish was Matt Kenseth in seventh. I think we know who the Toyota ‘owners’ really are —–it’s the Chevy’s.

“Did you see that pit road fire in the Xfinity Series? Luckily, NASCAR safety officials put that fire out using their ‘Xtinguish Series.’”

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th at Richmond, the only Hendrick Motorsports driver outside the top 10. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

“I had a dust up with Tony Stewart with 40 laps to go,” Earnhardt said. “I blame Tony and Tony blames me. Tony couldn’t get his car restarted after the wreck, and he was not happy. Apparently, the old adage ‘Where there’s Smoke, there’s ‘fire’’ is not true.”

8. Matt Kenseth: One week after winning at Bristol, Kenseth finished seventh in the Toyota Owners 400, his fifth top 10 of the year.

“Kurt Busch drove an impressive race,” Kenseth said. “Even with Kevin Harvick stalking him, he didn’t fold. I guess Kurt is right—-he didn’t choke.”

9. Kasey Kahne: Kahne joined Hendrick Motorsports teammates Jimmie Johnson (third) and Jeff Gordon (eight) in the top 10 with a sixth at Richmond.

“It was overall a solid day for HMS,” Kahne said. “If not for Tony Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Jr. would have joined us in the top 10. But I think Junior’s willing to let it slide. The last thing Tony needs is a guilt trip.”

10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray led four laps and finished fourth at Richmond, scoring his second top five of the year. He is ninth in the points standings, 93 out of first.

“Kurt Busch was just too fast for anyone to catch,” McMurray said. “Much like his former girlfriend, you could say Kurt was ‘on a mission.’”

April 28, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 184 laps at Bristol, but his fortunes turned dramatically when he crashed into David Ragan’s spinning No. 18 car. Harvick finished 38th, 43 laps down, ending his streak of seven consecutive top-10 finishes this season.

“Jimmie Johnson started that wreck,” Harvick said. “That wasn’t the only one. Let’s just say his Sprint Cup titles aren’t the only reason they call Jimmie ‘Six Time.’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson survived numerous incidents at Bristol to pull out an unlikely runner-up result in the Food City 500.

“I was involved in quite a few spins,” Johnson said, “and those spins affected several other drivers. Put it this way: there were a lot of drivers looking at me ‘sideways.’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano’s day at Thunder Valley soured early when a wreck by teammate Brad Keselowski damaged the No. 22 Ford. Logano eventually finished 40th, 59 laps down.

“That wreck knocked us both out of contention,” Logano said, “and knocked our relationship into contention.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started second at Bristol and ran into early trouble when he lost control on lap 18 and slammed the wall, collecting Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano. Both Penske cars suffered extensive damage; Keselowski finished 35th while Logano finished 40th.

“I’m not sure what happened,” Keselowski said. “Usually, when I take a hard right like that, I expect Denny Hamlin to be in the way, not the wall.”

“My good buddy Kyle Busch is out of his wheelchair. He’ll probably be racing this summer, and I expect Kyle to be back better than ever. I bet you he’ll be doing 195 miles per hour in the No. 18 at Daytona in July, or the same down some residential area in Moore County, North Carolina in a street car.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished a disappointing 29th in the Food City 500, the first time he’s finished out of the top 10 this season.

“Kurt Busch looked strong,” Truex said, “until he decided to pit late in the race. Then he rear-ended Carl Edwards. That just killed Kurt’s chances. That’s why he’s known as the ‘Stewart-Haas-assin.’”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 16th at Bristol, as Hendrick teammates Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon took second and third, respectively. Earnhardt is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 73 behind Kevin Harvick.

“From start to finish,” Earnhardt said, “Sunday’s race lasted nine hours. Most NASCAR races only seem to last that long.”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole in the Food City 500 and took the win, earning his first win of the season and a spot in the Chase For The Sprint Cup. Kenseth pulled away from Jimmie Johnson to capture his first win since the 2013 season.

“It’s been a tough year for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “Kyle Busch has a gimpy ankle, Denny Hamlin has a bum neck, and Carl Edwards has a knucklehead.

“I must admit I was surprised when Kurt Busch pitted from the lead with 25 laps to go. Of course, it’s not like I’m the only person to question a decision made by Kurt.”

8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne was a victim of a late pileup triggered when Carl Edwards got loose racing side by side with Jeff Gordon. Kahne finished 37th, the worst result among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

“Have you seen Kyle Busch lately?” Kahne said. “You know, Kyle used to drive the No. 5 car for Hendrick. His condition now should remind him of his final days at HMS, because he’s ‘got the boot.’”

9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon battled back from a loose wheel that set him back two laps to finish a solid third at Bristol. Gordon started second on the green-white-checkered finish but was no match for Matt Kenseth, who restarted on the preferred outside line.

“Unlike me,” Gordon said, “Kenseth has no intentions of retiring. Me? I’ve done enough in this business to call it a career. Four Sprint Cup titles and more money than I know what to do with. So I quit this rich.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was running fifth when neck spasms forced him from the No. 11 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota on lap 22 during the race’s first rain delay. JGR developmental driver Erik Jones took over and finished 26th.

“That’s some neck ‘restraint,’ something even a HANS device would be proud of,” Hamlin said.

April 22, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Texas, earning his ninth runner-up finish in his last 10 races. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 26 over Joey Logano.

“Jimmie Johnson and I have won four of seven races this season,” Harvick said. “Johnson’s win at Texas supports the notion that the Sprint Cup championship is a two-man battle, and I ‘seconded’ that.

“I visited The Masters on Thursday in support of my friend Scott Harvey, who’s an amateur. I took my Stewart-Haas Chevy with me. Every time Scott hit a shot, I said ‘4!’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took the lead for good with 14 laps to go, passing Kevin Harvick and Jamie McMurray, to win the Duck Commander 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.

“Nothing’s more satisfying that putting on a cowboy hat and firing off a few rounds from a six-shooter,” Johnson said. “It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe unless you’re Kurt Busch, who would no doubt say he felt like an ‘assassin.’ And he knows.

“But I’m not a big fan of ten-gallon hats. I prefer my volume measured in ‘Cups,’ and seven is the quantity I’m looking for.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano led 19 laps and finished fourth in the Duck Commander 500, posting his third top-five result of the season.

“Kurt Busch won his second pole of the season,” Logano said. “In Kurt’s world, winning the pole again is known as getting ‘reinstated’ to the first starting spot.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski joined Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fourth, in the top five with a fifth in the Duck Commander 500.

“It was a very uneventful race,” Keselowski said. “Unlike November’s race in Texas, nothing happened. Call it a ‘ho humdinger.’ Even the boredom was Texas-sized. Had the race last November been called the Duck Commander 500, maybe it would have done me some good. With all the shoves and punches flying at me then, a ‘duck’ call surely would have helped.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth in the Duck Commander 500, giving him six top 10’s in the season’s first seven races. He stands third in the points standings, 50 behind Kevin Harvick.

“There’s another ‘Junior’ making news,” Truex said. “Apparently, Danica Patrick would say ‘yes’ if Ricky Stenhouse Jr. would propose. That puts Ricky in a truly awkward predicament. Now, it seems both Patrick and Stenhouse are in ‘no-win’ situations.”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home third on a strong day for Hendrick Motorsports, which placed four drivers in the top seven. Earnhardt is seventh is the points standings, 93 out of first.

“Rick Hendrick couldn’t be happier,” Earnhardt said. “Unlike a Richard Childress Racing tire, Rick’s ego is fully inflated.

7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished eighth in the Duck Commander 500 after starting fourth and leading six laps.

“Did you see Michael Waltrip standing atop Texas Motor Speedway’s giant video monitor?” Kahne said. “Michael looked a little wobbly up there, but then again, when has Michael ever been that sure of his ‘orientation.’”

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished seventh at Texas as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top seven.

“I really wanted to win in Texas,” Gordon said. “That would have been the perfect going away present. As it was, Jimmie Johnson won ‘going away.’”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Texas, one spot behind Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Carl Edwards in 10th. Hamlin is seventh in the points standings.

“This race was called the ‘NRA 500’ in 2013,” Hamlin said. “That was a scary day, especially for the No. 42 Target car.

“Michael Waltrip dropped a taco on my car before the race. It wasn’t a big deal to me. It’s one thing to have hot sauce on your Toyota; it’s another to have hot sauce in your Toyota. Michael did; it was called ‘jet fuel.’”

10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth in the Duck Commander 500, scoring his third top-10 finish of the year.

“Wow!” McMurray said. “There were stars of the ‘Duck Dynasty’ show in Victory Lane. I really would have loved to win this race so I could have met the one and only Willie Robertson. That way, the ‘McDaddy’ could have met the ‘Quack Daddy.’”

April 14, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Martinsville, ending his streak of eight consecutive results of second or better. He remains atop the Sprint Cup points standings, 24 ahead of Joey Logano.

“It was a disappointing finish,” Harvick said. “Not that eighth is bad, but I finished behind Danica Patrick. I guess my son Keelan’s cries of ‘Go Daddy!’ were heard by Danica and not me.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Martinsville and came home third, leading 108 laps in the STP 500. He is second in the points standings, 24 behind Kevin Harvick.

“That race had it all,” Logano said. “Action, intrigue, fake cautions, you name it. Plus, there was controversy, because track management dumped Jesse Jones hot dogs for Valleydale. How could they? I’ve been called one, but this takes the term ‘undeserving weiner’ to a new level.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski stalked Denny Hamlin over the final laps at Martinsville but couldn’t make the pass. Hamlin took the checkers while Keselowski settled for second.

“The No. 2 Miller Lite was fast,” Keselowski said, “and I almost pulled it out. And that would have been nice. Had I won, you could have said the race itself, much like Kyle Larson, was ‘Lite-headed.’”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 23 laps and finished sixth at Martinsville, posting his sixth top 10 of the year. He is third in the points standings, 32 behind Kevin Harvick.

“Kyle Larson missed the race after fainting Saturday at an autograph session,” Truex said. “Apparently, he signed ‘out.’ Don’t ask me what his condition is, because I don’t have the faintest. Somebody told me Fall Out Boy was signing autographs on Saturday. Turns out it was just Kyle Larson.”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt suffered a broken shifter early at Martinsville and was involved in a multi-car wreck on lap 228 that smashed the front end of the No. 88 Chevrolet. He eventually finished 36th, 47 laps behind.

“Obviously,” Earnhardt said, “you can’t do shift without a shifter. And if you can’t change gears, a sorry finish becomes, well, ‘automatic.’

“After a lengthy stint in the garage, the No. 88 returned to the track without a hood. That is, of course, bad news, but it comes with a silver lining. Trust me, when anything Earnhardt-related goes topless, I thank the lucky starts it’s the car and not one of my fans.”

6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, an eight-time winner at Martinsville, suffered numerous issues at Martinsville on his way to a 35th-place finish.

“My day at Martinsville had a lot in common with Chad Knaus’ history with the NASCAR rule book,” Johnson said. “There were ‘multiple issues.’

“I’ve won eight times at Martinsville. Normally, when I race there, I say “Hot dog.’ Not on Sunday. I spent so much time with the hood up, there was no ‘hot dog,’ just ‘all the fixings.’”

7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 11th in the STP 500 as Hendrick teammate Jeff Gordon took ninth, while Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt Jr. struggled mightily. Kahne is now fifth in the points standings, 70 out of first.

“Rick Hendrick had two cars in the top 11,” Kahne said, “and two cars finish 35th or worse. So you can understand why Martinsville’s half-mile left him with a ‘half-smile.’”

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon let a potential win slip away at Martinsville after a pit road speeding penalty cost him the lead with about 40 laps to go. Forced to the end of the lead lap, Gordon passed enough cars to salvage a ninth.

“It’s never pleasant when you hear the words, ‘You’ve made a terrible mistake,’” Gordon said. “But I’d rather hear it from my crew chief than my divorce lawyer.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin overcame an early penalty in the pits and held off Brad Keselowski to win the STP 500. Hamlin led the final 28 laps and is now eighth in the points standings, 91 behind Kevin Harvick.

“We had a tire get away from us on pit road,” Hamlin said. “The same thing happened at California. We have a fast car, but instead of burning rubber, we keep getting burned by rubber.

“But, I bounced back and kept Keselowski at bay, winning my fifth grandfather clock. He gave me a little nudge in the final turn. Had I wrecked, you can best believe, with a clock in mind, you would have seen ‘one hand on the 2.’”

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 11 laps and finished fourth on a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing. Denny Hamlin won the STP 500, while David Ragan took fifth.

“Denny ended a 31-race winless streak for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “What better place than Martinsville to end that streak. I think Denny said it best after being awarded the grandfather clock when he said, ‘It’s about time.’ To all of those who thought JGR was slipping, that’s just ‘Gibb-erish.’”

March 31, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second in the Auto Club 400, extending his amazing streak with his eighth consecutive top-two finish. He continues to lead the Sprint Cup points standings, and holds a 28-point cushion over Joey Logano.

“Who’s going to stop me in my quest to defend my Cup championship?” Harvick said. “It appears no one is willing to step up. In the last eight races, I’ve won four times and finished second four times. I win and I ‘place;’ is anyone else going to ‘show?’”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at California as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took the win.

“Brad stole that win from Kurt Busch,” Logano said. “Luckily for Brad, Kyle Larson’s bumper flew off, bringing out the caution that Brad needed. A bumper is real debris, debris you can actually see. Can something invisible, like a stiff wind, necessitate a yellow flag? NASCAR would likely say ‘Yes.’ I guess that would be called a ‘da breeze’ caution.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth at Fontana, posting his third top 10 of the year. He is fourth in the points standings, 66 out of first.

“It was a solid day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Johnson said, “but the return of Kurt Busch has made Stewart-Haas Racing a real powerhouse. Busch has really been on fire since his reinstatement. It appears the line between being outlawed and being the ‘Outlaw’ is a significant one. But is Busch really a threat to win the Sprint Cup championship. Until he’s holding the Cup, I’m not convinced. So, he’s innocent until proven guilty.”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt posted his fourth top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Fontana, rebounding strongly from his last place result in Phoenix.

“I lost a lot of track position,” Earnhardt said, “when I got stuck behind Greg Biffle on a late restart. There’s nothing worse that getting stuck behind a slow car on a restart, except for getting stuck behind the wheel of a Roush Fenway Racing car.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s hot start to the season continued with an eighth in the Auto Club 500. He has five consecutive top 10’s and is fifth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

“Kurt Busch won the pole for Sunday’s race, Truex said. “I asked Kurt’s ex-girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, about the race, and, not surprisingly, she said, ‘He started it.’

“It was a wild finish at Fontana. And to capitalize on that result, Furniture Row is offering their own ‘wild finish,’ a tiger-striped design on a coffee table.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski passed Busch on the final lap to seize the win in a dramatic Auto Club 500. Keselowski took four tires during the final caution, giving him the necessary advantage on the Fontana track’s abrasive surface.

“I apologize if I made Kurt hit the wall,” Keselowski said. “He should consider himself lucky, that it’s only one wall and not four that he’s dealing with.”

7. Ryan Newman: Newman finished fifth in the Auto Club 400, posting his third consecutive top-five result. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 63 behind Kevin Harvick.

“There were a lot of mysterious cautions thrown on Sunday in California,” Newman said. “That surely didn’t make Kurt Busch happy. Kurt may complain about ‘yellow flags being raised,’ as opposed to his girlfriends, who are concerned about all the red flags raised.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at California and had a win in hand until a late caution presented Brad Keselowski the opportunity to take four tires. Keselowski then passed Busch on the final green-white-checkered finish while Busch brushed the wall trying to regain position.

“You may say I hit the wall,” Busch said, “but I deny it.

“As conspiracy theories go, my favorite is the one that says NASCAR threw the cautions to prevent me from winning. Sure, they granted me a waiver for the Chase, but all those yellows served as ‘wavers’ to keep me out of the Chase.”

9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished 10th at California as Hendrick Motorsports placed three cars in the top 10.

“I counted at least three ‘phantom’ cautions in Sunday’s race,” Gordon said. “And you know that means: if there are ‘phantoms,’ then there are ‘ghosts.’ And that’s bad news for NASCAR, because this sport just got even whiter.”

10. Paul Menard: Menard recorded his best finish of the year with a fourth in the Auto Club 400. He is ninth in the points standings, 73 out of first.

“Richard Childress could be kicking himself for letting Kevin Harvick leave after the 2013 season,” Menard said. “But at some point, even if something or someone has been getting under your skin, you just have to ‘let it go.’ I think Richard exemplifies that very well.”

March 24, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Phoenix and won as expected, rolling to his fourth consecutive win at Phoenix International Raceway. He sits high atop the Sprint Cup points standings, 22 ahead of Joey Logano.

“You can call me ‘Happy,’” Harvick said, “but you might as well call me ‘Tarp,’ because I had the field covered.

“I’ve got four top-two finishes to start the season. No one has done that since Richard Petty in 1974. And speaking of ‘Kings,’ I rule.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Phoenix after starting second on the grid and leading 35 laps. He is second in the points standings, 22 behind Kevin Harvick.

“No one can catch Harvick,” Logano said. “As such, it looks like the ‘Chase’ has started early this year.

“I won the Xfinity Series race on Saturday. That race was called the ‘Xalta Faster. Tougher. Brighter. 200.’ It wasn’t much of a race, but it did have something that no other race in NASCAR history had, and that’s punctuation.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Phoenix as Kevin Harvick dominated, leading 224 of 312 laps. Johnson is seventh in the points standings, 58 behind Harvick.

“Harvick has been on a tear,” Johnson said. “They say this level of dominance hasn’t been seen since Richard Petty in 1974. I say it goes back further than that, to a time in racing when dirt tracks were the norm, because everyone is eating dust.”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt blew a right rear tire on lap 180 at Phoenix and slammed the wall, ending his day with a last place finish.

“The No. 88 Hendrick Chevrolet was fast,” Earnhardt said, “but the surface at Phoenix is really tough on rubber. So, there’s a fine line separating ‘Hell On Wheels’ from ‘Hell On Tires.’”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex continued his solid start to the season with a seventh at Phoenix, giving him four top 10s in four races this year. He is fourth in the points standings, 27 behind Kevin Harvick.

“We’ve been consistent,” Truex said, “but we won’t be satisfied until we win. Some say that we can’t. On that note, Furniture Row offers upholstery in several patterns, but none in ‘checkers.’”

6. Kasey Kahne: Kahne took fourth in the CampingWorld.Com 500 on Sunday, posting his first top-five result of the year. He sits fourth in the points standings, 50 behind Kevin Harvick.

“I finished just ahead of Kurt Busch,” Kahne said. “Kurt was all over me, and, depending on who you ask, there may have been contact.

“Is it right that no domestic abuse charges were filed against Kurt? Who am I to say? I can say this: I don’t mind racing against the ‘Outlaw,’ but I surely wouldn’t want him as an inlaw.”

7. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger placed 17th at Phoenix and is now sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 55 out of first.

“We didn’t get the finish we wanted,” Allmendinger said, “but I still had a great time. Grammy-nominated band Tonic played a pre-race concert, and boy, did that really get my blood pumping. Talk about a ‘band stimulant.’”

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished ninth at Phoenix as Hendrick Motorsports cars took three of the top 11 spots.

“I’m on a quest for my fifth championship,” Gordon said. “Kevin Harvick appears well on his way to his second. Just a few words of advice for Kevin: before you can be ‘three-time’ or ‘four-time,’ you have to be ‘two-timed.’ And I have, on and off the track.”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished third in the CampingWorld.Com 500, recording his second straight third-place finish.

“Kevin Harvick was unstoppable,” Newnam said. “There was a time in my career when I wished I could be just like Harvick and join Richard Childress Racing. Now, I want to be even more like Harvick and leave RCR, because that’s when the wins and championships happen.”

10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the CampingWorld.Com 500 in Phoenix, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished eighth, in the top 10.

“After a slow start to the season,” Keselowski said, “we’re back on track. I’ve got three top-10 finishes in a row after finishing 41st at Daytona. But to keep up with Kevin Harvick, we’re really gonna have to ‘push.’

“My crew chief Paul Wolfe was placed on probation for an entire season. NASCAR should try putting the whole sport on probation, just to make sure it’s being ‘watched.’”

March 17, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 142 of 267 laps in a dominating win at Las Vegas. He now leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 11 over Joey Logano.

“That’s my first win ever at Las Vegas,” Harvick said. “That’s another check mark off my bucket list. Also on my bucket list: having a sponsor that actually sells buckets. Jimmy John’s does, so scratch that one off, too.

“The No. 4 Chevy had a vibration late in the race. It had me a little worried, until I realized it was just my wife Delana’s incessant tweeting.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished tenth in the Kobalt Tools 400, posting his third top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 11 behind Kevin Harvick.

“The No. 22 Pennzoil Platinum Fusion was crazy loose all afternoon,” Logano said. “I was fighting the steering wheel all day. My father said he hasn’t seen anything driven that hard since me.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 41st at Las Vegas, his day derailed by several tire issues, including a flat tire that sent him into the wall.

“I wote a country song about those pesky tires,” Johnson said. “It’s called ‘Rascal Flats.’

“Tires issues seem to be the No. 1 downfall of this team. And that’s left us deflated. When our tires are working properly, we’re unbeatable. Proper inflation gives us an ‘air’ of superiority.”

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt came home fourth in the Kobalt Tools 400, recording his third straight top-5 finish to start the season.

“I used my adjustable track bar quite a bit on Sunday,” Earnhardt said. “I think that’s called ‘giving myself a wedgie.’

“As you know, most track bar adjustments are made by turning a wedge in the rear of the car. That soon may be a thing of the past. But never fear, as long as there are Earnhardt fans, there will always be ‘junk in the trunk.’”

5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne survived a tangle with Carl Edwards to post a 17th at Las Vegas. Edwards sent Kahne into the wall as the two were racing side-by-side after a restart. Later, Kahne got revenge by clipping Edwards, sending the No. 19 sliding down the track and into the wall.

“Carl kindly offered an apology after the race,” Kahne said. “I said, ‘It’s about Time…Warner Cable. And then I gave him ‘Farmer’s Assurance’ that I accepted. Of my retaliation, he said, ‘That was a Great Clip.’ Boom! Sponsor obligations fulfilled.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth at Las Vegas, scoring his second top-10 result of the year.

“I hear Eldora Speedway’s web site was hacked and a message from ISIS was posted,” Kenseth said. “It seems ‘Death To America’ has been replaced with ‘Boogity, boogity, boogity!’ Turns out it was a false call anyway. Apparently, a Stewart rival called him a ‘holy terror.’

“But Tony’s on top of things. He’s demanded his internet security team find the weakness in the web site and fix it, or else! In other words, Tony said to them, ‘You’re IT!”

7. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex remained hot in 2015, finishing second at Las Vegas for his third consecutive top 10 of the season.

“This Furniture Row squad is a team to be reckoned with,” Truex said. “Of course, we’re a one-car team in a sport dominated by multi-car teams. Look at Hendrick Motorsports, for example. They have four cars, all capable of winning the championship. In Las Vegas, they call Rick Hendrick the “Four Car Stud.”

8. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger posted a sixth in the Kobalt Tools 400 at Las Vegas. He is fifth in the points standings, 34 behind Kevin Harvick.

“Some say a JTG Daugherty Racing car looks out of place amongst all the high-dollar, multi-car teams,” Allmendinger said. “That is so not the case, and team co-owner Brad Daugherty knows ‘out of place.’ He’s a corn-fed hillbilly in Las Vegas. That’s out of place.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Las Vegas, luckily avoiding major damage when he was caught up in the Kasey Kahne-Carl Edwards skirmish on lap 195. Hamlin is eighth in the points standings, 47 out of first.

“It’s always fun racing in Vegas,” Hamlin said. “I put money on myself to win the race, just say I could say ‘May the bettor man win.’”

10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon won the pole, but was caught up in Danica Patrick’s spin in Saturday practice. Forced into a backup car, Gordon delivered a respectable 18th in Sunday’s Kobalt Tools 400.

“This evokes painful memories for me,” Gordon said. “For the second time in my life, I fell victim to “collection” by an overrated brunette.”

March 10, 2015