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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second at Dover and heads to the next round of the Chase with the solid momentum after three top-10 finishes in the opening three races.

    “This elimination race didn’t produce quite the excitement NASCAR had hoped,” Keselowski said. “In fact, it was yawn-inducing. It was so boring that fans didn’t give a hoot; it was so boring that I didn’t give a tweet.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano took fourth at Dover as four drivers were eliminated from Cup championship contention.

    “It’s on to the ‘Contender’ round,” Logano said. “Or, to the six or so drivers with no chance to win the Cup, the ‘Pretender’ round. Or, because Danica Patrick didn’t qualify, the ‘One Gender’ round.”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took control at Dover late and won the AAA 400, guaranteeing his spot in the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I don’t think anyone’s surprised by the four drivers eliminated,” Gordon said. “I guess the only ‘sleepers’ at Dover were in the stands.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, a nine-time winner at Dover, took third in the AAA 400 and now moves on to the Contender round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “That’s right,” Johnson said. “I’ve won at Dover nine times. I’m pretty much on a first name basis with Miles The Monster. But I didn’t win Sunday, and I don’t seem to be anyone’s favorite to win the Cup. Much like Miles, I don’t scare anyone.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 17th at Dover, one lap down, and qualified for the Contender round, which starts at Kansas Motor Speedway next week.

    “And then there were twelve,” Earnhardt said. “At least, that’s what a Junior Nation member says halfway through a case of beer. Then it’s time for breakfast.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole and led 223 laps before tire issues relegated him to a 13th-place finish.

    “We had plenty of car,” Harvick said, “but no luck at all. This time, it was a tire issue. My left front tire took a leak; we just keep pissing away wins.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fifth at Dover and joins Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Kyle Busch and Denny Hamlin in the Chase For The Cup Contender round.

    “Three more races,” Kenseth said, “and the field will be down to six. I really like the way the new format pares down the field. The new format is better at ‘weeding out’ than NASCAR’s drug policy.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch, making his 500th Sprint Cup start, finished 10th at Dover and qualified for the next round of the Chase.

    “I’ve taken a lot of green flags,” Busch said. “But none have led to a Sprint Cup championship. And that’s frustrating. And, as people know, I’m not afraid to hide my frustration. So, my career has been defined by ‘fits and starts.’”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 11th, enough to secure the 10th spot in the standings and a spot in the Chase’s Contender round.

    “I’m moving on,” Edwards said. “And I’m saying goodbye to Greg Biffle. I can say that now or two months from now, and it still applies.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth at Dover and now has top-six finishes in all three Chase races.

    “It’s too bad I didn’t make the Chase,” Larson said, “because I really feel like I could win it all. As it is, I can’t win at all.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won his second straight pole and was in contention at Loudon despite hitting the wall. He eventually finished seventh as teammate Joey Logano won.

    “When I hit the wall,” Keselowski said, “I thought the worst. But the Chase is long and grueling, and won’t be won in a day. You’ve got to keep your eyes on the prize. For me personally, I’m able to see the ‘Lite’ at the end of the tunnel.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano led 78 laps and pulled away on the gree-white-checkered restart to take the win at New Hampshire. With the victory, Logano joins Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski as the only drivers to have clinched berths in the next round.

    “It’s great to win at my home track,” Logano said. “I have lots of supporters at home, but none more fanatical than my father.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished ninth in the Sylvania 300, posting his 17th top-10 finish of the year. He is sixth in the points standings, 20 out of first.

    “There were a whopping 15 cautions on Sunday,” Earnhardt said. “That really slowed the race down, and it truly made it feel like a ‘Sunday drive.’”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fifth at New Hampshire, posting his ninth top 5 of the year. He is fourth in the points standings, 17 behind Brad Keselowski.

    “Some say the Jimmie Johnson aura of invincibility is fading,” Johnson said. “That could change in a matter of seconds with a win at Dover, where I’ve won several times. A win there, and all my critics will realize I am a threat to win the Cup. So I’m replacing the aura of invincibility with the aura of convincibility.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 104 laps and finished third in the Sylvania 300 at Loudon. He is now third in the Sprint Cup points standings, seven out of first.

    “Traditionally,” Harvick said, “the Loudon winner is awarded a lobster. That’s what Joey Logano got. It may be the first time the race trophy was older than the race winner.”

    6. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished a troubling 26th in Sunday’s caution-filled race at Loudon. He is seventh in the points standings, 27 behind Brad Keselowski.

    “The pressure will be on at Dover,” Gordon said. “I need a solid finish in order to advance. So, the only clinching scenarios I want to hear are the ones that don’t involve my rear end.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 21st at Loudon and is now eighth in the points standings, 40 out of first.

    “Fifteen is simply way too many cautions,” Kenseth said. “’Proceed with caution’ is a warning for drivers, not instructions for race officials.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Kyle Busch finished eighth at Loudon and has posted top 10’s in both Chase races. He is fifth in the points standings, and barring a disaster, should advance to the Challenger round.

    “I like my chances,” Busch said. “For me, a ‘disaster of the bar’ would be my lawyer not being able to get me a reduced sentence for going 128 miles per hour in a 45 MPH zone.”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 17th in the Sylvania 300, the top finisher among Roush Fenway Racing cars.

    “I guess all we can do is put that finish behind us,” Edwards said, “and move on. And speaking of moving on, I’ll be at Joe Gibbs Racing next year. Nobody’s is more excited about it than me. In fact, nobody’s excited about it but me.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second in the Sylvania 300 and now has a third and a second in the last two races.

    “I’m 21 years old,” Larson said, “but I’m certainly not the baby of the sport. That title belongs to Cole Custer, who won the Truck series race at New Hampshire at the age of 16 years, 7 months, and 28 days. I’ve heard of the Gillette Young Guns; it’s too bad Cole’s not shaving. He could be a Gillette Young’un.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated the late restarts at Chicagoland and cruised to the win in the MyAfibStory.Com 400. He built on his lead in the points standings, and now leads Jeff Gordon by seven.

    “I automatically advanced to the next round of the Chase,” Keselowski said. “So you can pencil my name on the bracket to the ‘Contender’ round. And speaking of things written in pencil, the Chase format has seen more alterations than Bruton Smith’s pants.”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished second at Chicagoland, a solid start in his quest for a fifth Sprint Cup championship.

    “The ‘Drive For Five’ is still alive,” Gordon said. “But I have to be careful not to get ahead of myself. First, I have to make sure the ‘Drive For 12,’ is alive, then the ‘Drive For 8,’ then the ‘Drive For 4.’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth in the MyAfibStory.com 400 at Chicagoland as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took the victory.

    “My goal is to be one of the four drivers to make it to that final round,” Logano said. “Obviously, we can’t call it the ‘Final Four’ because the NCAA will sue. I say we broker a tie-in with that apocalyptic HBO series and call that final race ‘The Leftovers.’”

    4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th at Chicagoland as Penske Racing’s Brad Keselowski won. Earnhardt is fifth in the points standings, 17 behind Keselowski.

    “It was a decent start start to the Chase,” Earnhardt said. “It could have been better, but at least there were no fans climbing the fence. I bet if we scheduled a race in southern Texas, that certainly wouldn’t be the case.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Chicagoland. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 18 behind Brad Keselowski.

    “Luckily,” Johnson said, “there was no hot air blowing into my helmet on Sunday. But if I don’t make a statement at Dover, it could be time for a ‘cold sweat.’ It’s no time to panic, though. Now, more than ever, I need to ‘be cool.’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race high 79 laps and finished fifth at Chicagoland.

    “I switched pit crews with Tony Stewart,” Harvick said. “I’m happy about that, but my former pit crew is not. They worked 26 races to get me in the Chase. Now, they’re out. You could say they were ‘Un-Happy-ed.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: On a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing , Kenseth finished tenth at Chicagoland as teammates Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch finished sixth and seventh, respectively.

    “The Chase format is new and improved,” Kenseth said. “First, you have the ‘Challenger’ round, then somewhere along the way there’s the ‘Eliminator’ round. I’m not sure what the other rounds are called, but I assume they’re named after ZZ Top albums as well.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his eighth top 10 of the year with an eighth in the MyAfibStory.Com 400.

    “I made contact with my brother Kyle midway through the race,” Busch said. “That’s one instance where neither Kurt nor I can argue that a Busch was at fault.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole with the highest practice speed after qualifying was rained out. He led 46 laps and finished seventh.

    “Not only did Kurt and I make contact,” Busch said, “Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. got together to bring out the final caution. Neither was happy. But is anyone really surprised that there’s friction between them?”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson led 20 laps at Chicagoland and engaged Kevin Harvick in a lively battle for the lead late in the race. While Larson and Harvick fought, Brad Keselowski slipped through the middle and led the rest of the way. Larson finished third.

    “Had I made the Chase,” Larson said, “I could have been an unlikely contender. Chip Ganassi Racing has often partnered with Dale Earnhardt, Inc. and Teresa Earnhardt, so if I can borrow Dale, Jr.’s evil stepmother, then this Cinderella story would have been in business.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at Richmond, leading 383 of 400 laps to win the Federated Auto Parts 400. With four wins, Keselowski starts as the top seed in the Chase For The Cup.

    “Who was that ‘on the fence’ at Richmond?” Keselowski asked. “Was it Clint Bowyer? No. It was just a fan who obviously wasn’t ‘high’ enough.”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took second at Richmond, unable to catch Brad Keselowski, who clearly had the best car in the field. Gordon’s three wins on the season earned him the second seed in the Chase, where he’ll start three points behind Keselowski.

    “We were determined,” Gordon said. “Not even Clint Bowyer could keep us out of the Chase. But Bowyer doesn’t have to worry about ‘intentional spins’ now; Michael Waltrip will handle those on ‘Dancing With The Stars.’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Richmond as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski captured the victory, giving Roger Penske his 400th racing win.

    “Keselowski was just unbelievable,” Logano said. “He led an amazing 383 of 400 laps. I’m surprised he wasn’t wearing leather and chains, because it was a display of ‘dominant fashion.’”

    4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 12th in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond International Speedway. He will start third in the Chase, three points behind Brad Keselowski.

    “Some crazy fan climbed the catchfence late in the race,” Earnhardt said. “I guess alcohol and boredom make a deadly combination.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson posted his 16th top-10 finish of the year with an eighth at Richmond. He will start the Chase in second, along with Hendrick teammates Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Jeff Gordon, all with three wins on the season.

    “I collapsed after the race due to severe dehydration,” Johnson said. “But after some intravenous fluids, I feel great. I think this bodes well for my chances of winning my seventh Cup title. As they say, you can’t get ‘VII’ without first getting ‘IV.’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond, recording his eighth top-5 result of the year. With two wins this season, he will start the Chase For The Cup six points behind Brad Keselowski.

    “There we no squirrels on the track at Richmond,” Harvick said. “If there were, they would have been after that nut on the fence.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth’s night at Richmond ended early after he hit the wall on lap 120. He finished 41st, 70 laps down, and starts the Chase For The Cup 12 points out of first.

    “It was a tough night for me,” Kenseth said. “But my disappointment was tempered by the knowledge that Michael Waltrip was selected to appear on ‘Dancing With The Stars.’ I’m not surprised my Michael’s selected—-he’s often been accused of being light on his feet.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 22nd at Richmond, four laps down. He’ll start the Chase For The Cup with 2,006 points, six behind Brad Keselowski.

    “Congratulations to Greg Biffle,” Edwards said. “He clinched the 16th and final spot in the Chase field. Of course, he did it by finishing 19th, two laps down. He probably didn’t see that coming; that’s what happens when you ‘back’ your way in.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman easily drove his way into the Chase, finishing a solid ninth. He will start the Chase in 16th, 12 points behind Brad Keselowski.

    “There’s a lot of distance between me and the driver of the No. 2 Miller Lite car,” Newman said. “Interestingly enough, that’s the same thing I said when Rusty Wallace was my teammate.”

    10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 17th at Richmond, one lap down. He start the Chase For The Cup with 2,003 points, nine behind top seed Brad Keselowski.

    “Hopefully,” Kahne said, “I can carry some of the momentum from my win at Atlanta into the Chase. Thank goodness I got that win. I knew I need to carry my weight before I could carry momentum.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon was running second early at Atlanta when he blew a tire, sending him into the wall. He fell two laps down, but battled back to regain the lead lap and finished 17th.

    “It was ‘The Night The Air Went Out In Georgia,’” Gordon said. “I didn’t see a squirrel on the track, but I do believe I heard a snake. It went, ‘Sssssssssss.’”

    2. Joey Logano: A week after winning at Bristol, Logano finished 14th in the Oral-B USA 500. He is now fourth in the points standings, 81 out of first.

    “Our performance was a far cry from that at Bristol,” Logano said. “If I’m ‘Sliced Bread’ in winning at Bristol, then I must be ‘Loaf Bread’ finishing 14th at Atlanta.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt just missed a top-10 finish at Atlanta with an 11th. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 21 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Sunday night’s race was called the ‘Oral-B USA 500.’ I think a better name would have been the ‘Mouth Of The South.’

    “But is it a good idea for dental health awareness in NASCAR? I see a conflict of interest with NASCAR’s ‘Drive For Diversity’ program, because good dental hygiene encourages ‘whiteness.’”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Atlanta, as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kasey Kahne won for the first time this season, locking up a spot in the Chase For The Cup. Johnson is sixth in the points standings.

    “What a great run by Kahne,” Johnson said. “Now, all four Hendrick drivers are in the Chase. Kasey went from ‘Chase bubble’ to ‘Chase bubbly,’ because we celebrated with champagne.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski night in Atlanta ended with 28 laps remaining after a collision with Josh Wise. Keselowski finished 39th, and is fifth in the points standings, 90 out of first.

    “I ran right into the back of Wise’s No. 98 Chevrolet,” Keselowski said. “It’s certainly not the first time I’ve been called a ‘Wise-ass.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth gained the lead with a two-tire pit stop on the final caution, but couldn’t hold off Kasey Kahne, who took four tires. Kenseth finished second, falling short of his first win, but still clinched a spot in the Chase.

    “Squirrels sightings aside,” Kenseth said, “Kahne ‘skunked’ me on that restart.

    “My wife and I released an anti-bullying children’s book called ‘Race Against Bullying.’ Some drivers I know have a track record of bullying. In fact, if bullying were a race, Carl Edwards would have the track record.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was squeezed behind Paul Menard in a late restart at Atlanta, and found the wall after contact with Menard and Joey Logano. Harvick finished 19th.

    “I nearly hit a squirrel crossing the track early in the race,” Harvick said. “That wasn’t my last encounter with an animal nuisance. It looked like Menard was playing possum on the late restart.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards scored his sixth top five of the season with a fifth at Atlanta. He is seventh in the points standings, 117 out of first.

    “Luckily,” Edwards said, “I’ve already locked up a spot in the postseason. I can tell you, it’s one thing to be ‘Chased,’ it’s another to be ‘pursued.’ Joe Gibbs Racing really wanted me, and ironically, they did back flips to get me.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his ninth top-10 result of the year with a seventh in the Oral-B USA 500. He can clinch a spot in the Chase with a finish of 41st or better next week at Richmond (assuming there is a repeat winner).

    “I could go to Richmond,” Newman said, “not win, and still make the Chase For The Cup. And that’s fine with me. It may not be official, but my slogan at Richmond will be, ‘Virginia is for losers.’”

    10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne passed Matt Kenseth on the final restart and held on for the win in the Oral-B USA 500 in Atlanta. Kahne was previously leading, and seemingly on his way to the win, when a tangle between Kyle Busch and Ryan Truex brought out a caution.

    “I’m not sure what those clowns were doing,” Kahne said. “But once again, we’ve seen the worst of Kyle Busch. There’s only one thing that gets the best of Kyle, and that’s his frustrations.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started second at Bristol but encountered handling issues that left him mid-pack for much of the race. He finished 16th, one lap down, and leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 27 over Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “We’re disappointed for sure,” Gordon said. “But on the bright side, we’ve procured sponsorship from 3M, which was previously in a ten-year relationship with Greg Biffle. It was a mutually beneficial relationship for the Biff and 3M, and that’s good. Take it from me, not all ten-year relationships end on good terms.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano zipped past Matt Kenseth with 44 laps to go and held off Brad Keselowski to win the Irwin Tools Night Race at Bristol. It was Logano’s third win of the year and solidified his status as a true Cup contender.

    “Hey,” Logano said, “I don’t mind being called ‘the man to beat.’ Mostly because it’s the only time I’m called a ‘man.’”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt hit Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 car, which was spun by Kevin Harvick, and suffered serious damage that sent him to the garage. He finished 39th,

    “Hamlin’s car just ripped the left side of my car off,” Earnhardt said. “I’ll quote a Michael Waltrip Racing driver and say ‘A Toyota ruined my day.’

    “Hamlin may want revenge on Harvick, but I don’t. Those who know me well know I’m a good-natured guy just looking for a good time. So, you could say both Denny and I have a reason to ‘Get Happy.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second to Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano in the Irwin Tools Night Race, as the Penske stable swept all three races as Bristol. Keselowski won the Craftsman Trucks race, while Ryan Blaney took the Nationwide victory.

    “I think this weekend proves that Penske Racing is the best team in NASCAR,” Keselowski said. “And that’s not just a ‘sweeping’ generalization.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overcame two early pit road speeding penalties and posted a solid fourth, his seventh top-five result of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 119 out of first.

    “I was back in the familiar blue Lowe’s paint scheme at Bristol,” Johnson said. “I just feel faster in that paint scheme. Unfortunately, the only thing we ‘blue’ by at Bristol were the pit road timers.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth held the lead late at Bristol, but succumbed to the charges of Joey Logano, who passed Kenseth with 44 laps remaining. Kenseth settled for third, his ninth top five of the year.

    “I couldn’t keep him away,” Kenseth said. “By ‘him,’ I’m not referring to Logano, but Carl Edwards. He’ll be joining Joe Gibbs Racing next year. I guess I’ll welcome him with open arms. I assume he’ll welcome me with a closed fist.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards took seventh at Bristol as all three Roush Fenway drivers posted top-10 finishes, with Ricky Stenhouse Jr. leading the way with a sixth.

    “I’m off to Joe Gibbs Racing at season’s end,” Edwards said. “I’ll be in the No. 19 Toyota. Starting with a new team is never easy, but I’m getting a raise, of course. As they say, ‘Change is good.’ As I say, ‘More change is better.’”

    “And speaking of ‘throws,’ Hamlin’s was nothing compared to the ‘pitch’ Joe Gibbs Racing gave me.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 13th at Bristol, and is 14th in the Sprint Cup points standings with two races before the Chase.

    “I wouldn’t think of throwing my HANS device at another driver,” Newman said. “However, I’d certainly throw a hands device at another driver. It’s called a ‘fist.’ Just ask Juan Montoya.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won the pole at Bristol and led 75 laps on his way to an 11th-place finish. Harvick faced the wrath of Denny Hamlin after wrecking the No. 11 car.

    “Hamlin threw his HANS device at me,” Harvick said. “I guess that means I’ll ‘catch hell.’ Ironically, Hamlin showed ‘restraint.’ I’m not sure what Denny threw harder—his HANS device, or a tantrum.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch recorded his sixth top-5 result of the year with a fifth at Bristol. With one victory this year, Busch has already locked up his spot in the Chase.

    “Tempers were flaring at Bristol,” Busch said. “Denny Hamlin flung his HANS device at Kevin Harvick. In case you’re wondering, the HANS device is a head and neck restraint system. Personally, I’ve tested several head and neck restraints, and the HANS is by far my favorite. My least favorite is a Tony Stewart headlock.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th at Watkins Glen after an untimely late caution cost him any chance of winning. He passed Jeff Gordon to take over the lead in the Sprint Cup points standings, and now leads Gordon by four.

    “Let me point out,” Earnhardt said, “that at this point, points don’t mean much. Have I made my point?

    “It was a crazy day at Watkins Glen. A.J. Allmendinger proved that a one-car team can compete with the multi-car teams. Chances are that the ‘Dinger’ will be with a big-time team in the future. Instead of losing a ride, he’ll be pimping one.”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon won the pole at Watkins Glen but faltered late after electrical issues sabotaged his chances. He eventually finished 34th and now trails Dale Earnhardt, Jr. by four in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “There’s only one word to describe how you feel sitting in a car suffering from electrical issues,” Gordon said. “Powerless.

    “The weekend started on a high note. I won the pole on my son Leo’s birthday, and he couldn’t be happier. And can you blame him? What other adolecent has a Coors Lite Pole Award in his bedroom? Besides Kurt Busch?”

    3. Brad Keselowski: A promising start at Watkins Glen soured for Keselowski after brake issues relegated him to a 23rd-place finish, five laps down.

    “I’d rather have trouble stopping,” Keselowski said, “than trouble ‘going,’ which is a problem 72-year-old Morgan Shepherd deals with on a daily basis. At least that’s what Joey Logano tells me.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson had a solid finish in sight before a spin on a lap 80 restart sent him hurtling back in the field. He finished a disappointing 28th.

    “Sunday’s race was stopped twice so repairs could be made after accidents,” Johnson said. “Chad Knaus radioed me during the delays and asked, ‘How’s the track look?’ I replied, ‘It’s fixed.’ And I fully expect that statement to be taken out of context.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen and remains winless on the year. He is third in the points standings, 70 behind Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “Unless I can find a win in the next four races,” Kenseth said, “I’ll be starting at the bottom when the Chase For The Cup starts. Where my wins total is concerned, ‘V’ is for ‘void.’

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Watkins Glen, recording his 12th top 10 of the year.

    “Allmendinger ran a heck of a race,” Logano said. “I guess the competition was a lot like drug problems—he put it behind him.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth at Watkins Glen, posting his fifth top-five result of the year. He is sixth in the points standings, 115 out of first.

    “I had a good view of the A.J. Allmendinger-Marcos Ambrose battle,” Edwards said. “Allmendinger obviously knew the track well. He’s certainly done his homework. There’s probably only one circuit he knows better than Watkins Glen, and that’s the road to recovery.

    “It was a great day for the Cheez-It brand. They sponsored the race, as well as my No. 99 car. If the race in Sonoma is attended by the ‘wine and cheese’ crowd, then fans at the Glen should be called the ‘wino and Cheez-It’ crowd.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman crashed heavily with 34 laps to go at Watkins Glen, smashing a fence and causing the race to be stopped for over an hour while repairs were made. Newman finished 41st, 35 laps off the pace.

    “Race officials raised more red flags than the Mayfield family,” Newman said. “And I’m not happy with safety at the Watkins Glen track. It seems track officials need a crash course in safety.”

    “My former teammate Rusty Wallace was recently inducted into the Motorsports Hall Of Fame. I don’t know who told Rusty to ‘Go to Hall,’ but it sure as Hell wasn’t me.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Watkins Glen, posting his 11th top-10 result of the year.

    “Was God on AJ Allmendinger’s side at Watkins Glen?” Harvick said. “It certainly looked that way. If He was, AJ should change his name to ‘Amendinger.’”

    10. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger repelled the challenges of Marcos Ambrose on two late restarts to win the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen. The win guaranteed Allmendinger a spot in the Chase For The Cup.

    “Kimberly-Clarke Corporation renewed their sponsorship of my car,” Allmendinger said, “making the weekend even more satisfying for car owner Brad Daugherty and myself. Kimberly-Clarke produces the Kleenex, Scott, Viva, and Cottonelle brands, and that means Sunday was a great day for white paper and black hillbillies.

    “Of course, this doesn’t mean I’m a ‘paper’ champion. It does mean I’m well equipped to wipe up the competition.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt used a no-tire pit stop to take the lead and subdued the challenge of Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win the GoBowling.Com 400 at Pocono. The victory completed Earnhardt’s season sweep at the “Tricky Triangle” and was his third win of the year.

    “That’s the first season sweep at Pocono since Denny Hamlin’s in 2006,” Earnhardt said. “Normally, I would celebrate with a broom, but I can’t. I developed an aversion to brooms when I discovered that Teresa Earnhardt rode them.

    “The fans of Junior Nation will certainly party. I’m not sure they’re that into bowling, though. They couldn’t tell you anything about PBA, but they sure know a lot about PBR.”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led a race-high 63 laps at Pocono but fell victim to lack of track position and some untimely cautions, finishing sixth. He remains atop the Sprint Cup points standings with a 17-point lead over Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “Junior’s No. 88 car had the name ‘Michael Baker’ all over it,” Gordon said. “That had to be a new experience for Earnhardt. It’s not often people see the No. 88 car and have to ask, ‘Who is that?’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived an unlucky day at Pocono, salvaging a 23rd-place finish, one lap down to the leaders. Keselowski damaged the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford with after contact with Kurt Busch on lap two, then was an unwilling participant in the lap 117 “Big One.”

    “Thanks, Kurt Busch,” Keselowski said. “Just like the last race at Pocono, I had a run-in with a ‘piece of trash.’”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered two blown tires, the last of which sent him into the wall, ending his day at Pocono on lap 111. He finished 39th, 49 laps down.

    “We’ve had our share of tires issues this season,” Johnson said. “It’s not a big deal to us. That’s called ‘underinflating’ the severity of an issue, just the opposite of what Goodyear thinks.

    “We’ve finished 39th or worse in three of the last five races. But don’t count us out once the Chase starts. Chad Knaus has a lot of things up his sleeve, including a sandbag of tricks.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was collected in a lap 117 pileup triggered when Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin got loose, causing Brian Vickers to check up and create mayhem behind him. Thirteen cars were involved in the accident and Kenseth finished 38th.

    “It was the GoBowling.Com 400,” Kenseth said, “and I’d like to pin the blame on Hamlin. But congratulations go to Dale Earnhardt Jr. He deserves to celebrate, not in Victory Lane, but in Victory Alley.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano led 30 laps and posted a strong third-place finish at Pocono, earning his eighth top-five of the year. He is seventh in the points standings, 124 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Richard Petty was the grand marshal for the GoBowling.Com 400,” Logano said. “In the Poconos, they call that being the ‘King Of The Mountain.’

    “I’ve always had a ton of respect for Petty. Now I’ve got even more after realizing he raced against Morgan Shepherd for over 20 years and lived to tell about it.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished a disappointing 29th at Pocono as Dale Earnhardt Jr. raced to the win. He is eighth in the points standings, 139 out of first.

    “I’m going to blame this on a preoccupation with thoughts of where I’ll be driving next year,” Edwards said. “As was evident at Pocono, my mind was racing, but I wasn’t.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Once again, Newman was solid for Richard Childress Racing, taking eighth in the GoBowling.Com 400.

    “It was an otherwise tough day for RCR,” Newman said. “Austin Dillon finished 15th while Paul Menard finished 33rd, under Tony Stewart’s No. 14 after that big wreck on lap 117. I hear it’s no fun looking up and seeing Stewart on top of you. But at least Tony was awake.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Dale Earnhardt Jr. for three laps after the final restart at Pocono, but couldn’t get around the No. 88 car. Harvick settled for second, his fourth runner-up finish of the year.

    “After a pit road speeding penalty and damage from the lap 117 wreck,” Harvick said, “I was ‘Happy’ to be in that position.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fourth in the GoBowling.Com 400, boosting his Chase For The Cup chances with five races left until the playoffs. He stands ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 140 out of first.

    “No team needs a win more than Michael Waltrip Racing,” Bowyer said. “I think all we need is a lively pep talk from Michael. And I think that should work. Everybody knows Michael makes a great cheerleader.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon blew past Kasey Kahne on the final restart with 17 laps to go and cruised to his record fifth Brickyard 400 win. It was his second win of the season and strengthened his lead in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “Five times!” Gordon said. “That’s amazing! I’m not just a brick kisser; I’m a brick layer.

    “I’d won four of the first 11 Brickyards. The last came in 2004. My last Sprint Cup title came in 2001. I was starting to worry that I’d be stuck on ‘4’ forever. I couldn’t help but think, ‘If the third time is the charm, the fourth must be the limit.’”

    2. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home ninth at Indianapolis as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top 14. Earnhardt is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Hendrick dominance was on full display,” Earnhardt said. “Gordon ‘kissed the bricks’ with his restart; Kasey Kahne ‘laid a brick’ with his.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski posted a 12th at Indianapolis, a disappointing run considering his qualifying effort of third. He holds the third spot in the Sprint Cup points standings, 51 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I’m third is the Sprint Cup points standings with 666,” Keselowski said. “I’m told that’s the ‘number of the beast.’ But rest assured, Christians, my cars don’t have horns.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 14th at Indianapolis as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon captured the win. Johnson is fifth in the points standings, 89 behind Gordon.

    “The mayor of Indianapolis declared July 27th ‘Jeff Gordon Day,’” Johnson said. “That’s an impressive accomplishment, but I can top it. I can’t say I’ve had any days named after me, but I have had seasons named after me: 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2013.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished third in the Brickyard 400 on a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing, as Joe Gibbs Racing drivers came home 2-3-4.

    “It was an awesome day for JGR,” Kenseth said. “And I say, ‘Why mess up a good thing?’ Do we really need Carl Edwards? The last thing this ‘stable’ needs is a jackass.

    “Carl is being replaced at Roush-Fenway by Trevor Bayne. I guess Jack Roush finally got that elusive Daytona 500 win.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Indianapolis, his second straight runner-up finish. Joe Gibbs Racing cars all placed in the top five, with Denny Hamlin taking third and Matt Kenseth fourth.

    “Good things come in two’s,” Busch said. “At least, that’s what ‘they’ say; ‘they’ being everyone except the parents of Kurt and I.

    “I wasn’t on the JGR airplane that collided at the Concord, North Carolina airport. I guess runways can be like race teams: overcrowded.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th in the Brickyard 400 on a day dominated by Jeff Gordon. Edwards is eighth in the points standings, 114 out of first.

    “Roush-Fenway Racing finally confirmed that I’m leaving the organization,” Edwards said. “Gordon may be kissing them, but I’m hitting the bricks.

    “The magnitude of my departure finally hit me on my last pit stop. As I was leaving the pits, I thought to myself, ‘Leaving is the pits.’”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Indianapolis to lead the way for Penske Racing. He is ninth in the points standings, 126 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Roger Penske is winless in the Brickyard 400,” Logano said. “He even brought Juan Montoya here to try for the win. It was a one shot deal, but we’re going to send Montoya on his way in style, with a few drinks. In honor of Montoya’s one-shot deal, we’re going to celebrate with a two-shot deal: one for us, and ‘Juan for the road.’”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th at Indianapolis and remained seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I’m Richard Childress Racing’s best hope for a spot in the Chase,” Newman said. “Talk about a no-win situation.”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won the pole at Indianapolis and led 12 early laps on his way to an eighth-place finish.

    “Did you hear?” Harvick said. “Joe Gibbs Racing and Stewart-Haas Racing planes collided on the runway at Concord Regional Airport. It looks like the *&#$ has hit the propeller. Apparently, JGR’s plane hit the SHR plane, which was parked. In other news, Carl Edwards may not be coming to JGR.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated the Nationwide race on Saturday and duplicated that feat on Sunday, leading 138 of 301 laps to win at New Hampshire.

    “Once again,” Keselowski said, “It’s time for the celebratory champagne. But there’s a big difference in breaking out the champagne and breaking open the champagne.

    “The No. 2 Penske Ford featured the Redd’s Apple Ale paint scheme. So, at least for one race, I bleed ‘Redd.’”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led late at New Hampshire but ran out of gas, settling for a 26th. He remains on top of the Sprint Cup points standings with a 12-point lead over Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “This win really solidified Brad Keselowski’s status as a title contender,” Gordon said. “Of course, that was also evident at Kentucky a few weeks back, where Brad sliced his hand open before declaring his readiness for the playoffs by saying, ‘Let’s cut to the Chase.’”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered two flat tires early in the Camping World RV Sales 301, the last of which sent him into the wall, ending his day after just 11 laps. He finished 42nd and is now fifth in the points standings, 72 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Goodyear says we had our tires underinflated,” Johnson said. “I say Goodyear has their egos overinflated.

    “Obviously, there were a lot of tire changes in Sunday’s race. But nobody needs to ‘re-tire’ more than Morgan Shepherd.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt placed 10th at New Hampshire in a race dominated by Brad Keselowski. Earnhardt was the only Hendrick Motorsports driver in the top 10, and is now second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 12 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Brad Keselowski was awarded a New England lobster for the win,” Earnhardt said. “What has claws, a tail, and horns? Teresa Earnhardt.”

    5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 13th at New Hampshire as Roush Fenway teammate Ricky Stenhouse Jr. took ninth. Edwards is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 96 out of first.

    “You’ve probably heard about the formation of the Race Team Alliance,” Edwards said. “For heaven’s sake, don’t call it a ‘union.’ If you dare say ‘union’ at most NASCAR events, you may find yourself choked by a Confederate flag.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Still in search of his first win this season, Kenseth took fourth at New Hampshire, leading 12 laps. He is fourth in the points standings, 49 out of first.

    “After Hendrick Motorsports won four straight races,” Kenseth said, “Ford has now won the last four. Toyota hasn’t won a race since Talladega back in May. I’m not sure what Toyota’s are searching more for, speed, or answers.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano was running second with less than 100 laps to go when 72-year-old Morgan Shepherd made contact with Logan’s No. 22 Penske Chevy. Logano finished 40th, 90 laps down, while Shepherd took 39th.

    “I don’t think Shepherd even knew I was there,” Logano said. “Heck, I’m not sure he even knows where he is. That must be why they call him the ‘Ageless Wander.’

    “Shepherd is old enough to be my grandfather, and dumb enough to be my father.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole, setting a Loudon track record of 138.130 miles per hour in Friday’s qualifying. He was fast on Sunday as well, finishing second behind Brad Keselowski. Busch is eighth in the points standings, 103 out of first.

    “I finished as runner-up to Brad Keselowski twice at New Hampshire,” Busch said. “And there’s nothing wrong with that. Let me put that into perspective by quoting my brother Kurt when I say, “It’s okay to be second-best.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his second top-five finish of the year with a fifth at New Hampshire. He is seventh in the points standings, 97 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I’m not so sure about the formation of this ‘RTA’ deal,” Newman said. “I’ll say the same thing about that as I did to Rusty Wallace when I begrudgingly became his teammate: ‘I want no part of this race team alliance.’”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson came home third in the Camping World RV Sales 301 at New Hampshire, posting his fourth top-five result of the year.

    “Some say Morgan Shepherd is too old to be racing,” Larson said. “I think I’m in agreement. Shepherd made his Sprint Cup debut back in 1970, and although his age has increased, his speed hasn’t. So, when Shepherd takes to the track in 2014, it’s just like ‘old times.’”