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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon overcame damage in an early wreck at Daytona and finished 12th, maintaining the points lead. He leads Dale Earnhardt Jr. by 27, as Hendrick drivers occupy the top three spots.

“It was all about survival,” Gordon said, “and I survived. ‘It’s called survival, only the strong can survive.’ And that may be the first and last time a NASCAR driver quotes Grand Master Flash.

“And speaking of NASCAR and rappers, I haven’t seen 50 Cent around lately. That may be because Erin Andrews told him to kiss off.”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was caught in a lap 20 wreck that ended his day with a 42nd-place finish, his worst of the year. He is third in the points standings, 55 out of first.

“What a day for Aric Almirola,” Johnson said. “Richard Petty made the 43 car famous; Almirola made it relevant, at least on Sunday. That makes Aric ‘King’ for a day. And he’ll be in the news consistently for the coming week. So, that makes Aric a loyal subject.”

3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th at Daytona, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 27 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I was looking for the Daytona sweep,” Earnhardt said. “Unfortunately, there wasn’t a broom in sight—only mops.

“That’s probably one of the wettest weeks of racing at Daytona. The rain affected everything: practice, qualifying, and the race. But it was business as usual for Junior Nation in the Daytona infield—-their alcohol consumption dictates that they’re never dry.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished a lap down in 18th in the Coke Zero 400. Kesekowski’s No. 2 Chevy was one of 25 cars affected by a lap 97 pile-up that forced a red flag.

“I’m not sure who started that mess,” Keselowski said, “but I’d like to punch them. Hopefully, should I open up a can of whoop ass, somebody else will bleed, and not me.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards found trouble early at Daytona, becoming one of several cars involved in a lap 20 wreck started when Roush Fenway teammate Ricky Stenhouse Jr. got loose. Edwards eventually finished 37th, 46 laps down.

“Tony Stewart was not happy with Stenhouse,” Edwards said. “He called him an ‘idiot.’ Trust me, you don’t want to be in Tony Stewart’s doghouse. It’s way too crowded in there.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took 20th at Daytona in a race won by Aric Almirola’s No. 43 Richard Petty Motorsports car. Kenseth, still winless on the year, is fifth in the points standings, 71 out of first.

“What a win for Almirola,” Kenseth said. “It’s always wide open when there’s a restrictor plate race. And when they say ‘anybody’ can win, what they really mean is a ‘nobody’ can win.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th in a crash-filled Coke Zero 400 that left only 17 cars on the lead lap. He is now sixth in the points standings, 105 out of first.

“My teammate Brad Keselowski had the cut on his hand glued together,” Logano said. “And I believe it’s made him a better driver, because now he’s even more skilled at operating a ‘stick shift.’

“My car was leaving a trail of debris late in the race. As a result, I was black-flagged. That’s similar to my dad being black-listed.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 28th after being collected in lap 97’s “Big One,” which involved no less than 25 cars and left Busch’s No. 18 Toyota upside down.

“Jeremy Mayfield would call that a ‘roofie,’” Busch said, “or a ‘downer.’ Luckily, the tow truck was there quickly to turn me over. Mayfield would call that an ‘upper.’

“It was certainly a wild ride, and reminded me of that fateful day in Iredell County, North Carolina back in May of 2011. In that case, it wasn’t the ‘Big One’ that forced me into the grass on the side of the road, but a State Trooper.”

9. Aric Almirola: Almirola captured the rain-shortened Coke Zero 400, placing the No. 43 car in winner’s circle for the first time since 1999. The win came almost 30 years to the day of Richard Petty’s 200th and final NASCAR victory.

“It was a great day for ‘The King,’” Almirola said. “And Prince, too, because we’re gonna party like it’s 1999.

“I won $377,176 in prize money. I think I could win another weather-shortened race, or be a big-time player at the strip club, because with that kind of cash, you can really ‘make it rain.’”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick suffered damage in the first of two “Big Ones” in the Coke Zero 400. He eventually finished 39th after completing just 46 laps.

“Haas Automation became an official sponsor of Ferrari’s Formula 1 through the 2015 season,” Harvick said. “Gene Haas is an astute business man, and the timing of this deal is perfect. Before forming a partnership with Ferrari’s ‘Prancing Horse,’ he got into business with Tony Stewart’s ‘Ranting Donkey.’”

July 7, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished tenth in the Quaker State 400, posting his 12th top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Brad Keselowski cut his hand on a champagne bottle in Victory Lane,” Johnson said. “If Joey Logano is ‘Sliced Bread,’ then Keselowski has to be ‘Sliced Brad.’”

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished fifth at Kentucky, as Hendrick Motorsports placed three drivers in the top 10. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I’m impressed with Brad Keselowski’s performance,” Earnhardt said. “But there’s no way he could be a member of Junior Nation. If Brad can’t hold his champagne, he certainly can’t hold his liquor.”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon posted his series-best 13th top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Kentucky. He remained atop the points standings, and leads Hendrick teammates Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. by 24.

“Jimmie Johnson visited the White House last Wednesday,” Gordon said, “where he was honored by President Obama as 2013 Sprint Cup champion. Jimmie asked Obama about the ‘secret service.’ Obama replied: ‘Has Chad Knaus been illegally working on your car again?’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at Kentucky, starting on the pole and leading 199 of 267 laps on the way to his second win of the season.

“Kentucky is the home of horse racing,” Keselowski said. “On Saturday, though, it became the home of a ‘thorough-Brad.’ The No. 2 Miller Lite Chevrolet had plenty of speed for Kentucky Speedway. My car had the horsepower; I have the horse teeth.”

5. Carl Edwards: One week after winning at Sonoma, Edwards finished a disappointing 17th in the Quaker State 400. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 82 out of first.

“Greg Biffle is still working on a contract extension,” Edwards said. “Greg has to ask himself: ‘should I stay or should I go’? On that note, as far as teammates go, I always seem to ‘Clash’ with them.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth overcame a slow start to finish fourth in the Quaker State 400. It was his sixth top-five result of the year and he is now fifth in the points standings, 63 out of first.

“I just signed a contract extension with Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “It was on Saturday, to be exact, but I’m not at liberty to reveal the financial details. So, as is the case with my season, it’s a matter of ‘Just when, baby.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth despite rising water temperatures that nearly compromised his engine. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 99 out of first.

“Usually,” Logano said, “when I’m in hot water, it’s because of my father.

“It was a great day for Penske Racing. Brad Keselowski won the pole and the race, then sliced his hand open on a champagne bottle celebrating the win. So, both he and Roger Penske were ‘gushing’ after the race.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won the Nationwide race in Sparta on Friday, then finished seventh in the Quaker State 400 on Saturday night. He is ninth in the points standings, 109 out of first.

“How about TNT’s coverage of the race,” Harvick said. “Much like TNT, it ‘blows.’ And Kyle Petty’s analysis is lacking. Just like the sport of NASCAR itself, it needs more ‘color.’ In Petty’s book, ‘insight’ is saying ‘he’s just got to keep plugging along’ over and over.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch led 31 laps at Kentucky and lost the lead to Brad Keselowski with 20 laps to go. Busch finished second, and is now 10th in the points standings.

“Keselowski was so much better than everyone else,” Busch said. “That was also the case in 2012 when he won here. At least at Kentucky Speedway, that Penske technology, much like a broken champagne bottle, was ‘cutting edge.’”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman scored his best finish of the year, speeding to a third in the Quaker State 400. He is now eighth in the points standings, 104 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Richard Childress Racing is still looking for our first win,” Newman said. “I’m sure Richard would love for Austin Dillon to be the first RCR victor this year. Then Richard can proudly say, ‘That’s grand, son.’”

June 30, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, winner of three of the last four races, posted a seventh at Sonoma, his 11th top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 20 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I didn’t win,” Johnson said, “but my rivals are nervous nonetheless. Anytime you say ‘Jimmie Johnson’ and ‘seventh’ in the same sentence, people are intimidated, or should I say ‘inJimmiedated.”

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Two weeks after winning at Michigan, Earnhardt posted a third-place finish in the Toyota/SaveMart 350, as Hendrick Motorsports placed all four drivers in the top seven.

“I have to apologize for wrecking Matt Kenseth,” Earnhardt said. “I’m pretty sure Matt will accept an apology. Why? Because he’s used to ‘taking’ it.”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished second to Carl Edwards at Sonoma, as Hendrick Motorsports five-race winning streak ended. Gordon leads the Sprint Cup points standings with a 20-point cushion on Jimmie Johnson.

“’I let Edwards get away,’” Gordon said. “That’s my Jack Roush impression, not my take on the final lap at Sonoma.

“You may have noticed our new sponsor, Panasonic, on the No. 24 car. For once, a driver can say he’s got an ‘electronic issue’ and it’s not a bad thing. Joe Gibbs may put Japanese in the car; Hendrick puts it on it.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead with 25 laps to go at Sonoma and held off Jeff Gordon to claim his first road course victory.

“Roush Fenway was shut out at Michigan,” Edwards said. “Who would have thought we’d turn things around on a road course? But you can always count on Jack Roush to have something up his sleeve, except new contracts.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled in the Toyota SavMart 350, fighting handling issues all day on his way to a 22nd. He is fifth in the points standings, 68 out of first.

“It was a tough day for the No. 2 Alliance Truck Parts Ford,” Keselowski said. “Sadly, though, we needed car parts, not truck parts.

“The car’s handling was a nightmare. Nothing we tried worked. One of my pit crewmen made so many wedge adjustments, he developed a wrist injury. Aerodynamically, he’s fine, but he will need some carpal tunnel testing.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was wrecked on lap 74 when Dale Earnhardt, Jr. jumped a curb and rammed the back of Kenseth’s No. 20 Home Depot Toyota. Kenseth is currently fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 65 out of first.

“When you’re surrounded by a pile of useless tires,” Kenseth said, “you know you’re in trouble, or Hoosier is your tire manufacturer.

“We’re losing Home Depot as a sponsor at season’s end. I guess that makes them the ‘Away Depot.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 16th at Sonoma on a tough day for Penske Motorsports, as teammate Brad Keselowski managed only a 22nd. Logano is now seventh in the points standings, 97 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Our boss won’t be happy,” Logano said. “Ask him his opinion of our performance, and he certainly won’t ‘Roger’ that.

“They say Sonoma is wine country, but they also drink beer in this road course haven. I think they make it from ‘wheel hops.’”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th at Sonoma after the No. 4 Stewart-Haas Chevy was collected when Clint Bowyer suffered a flat tire and stopped in the middle of the track.

“I’m not surprised,” Harvick said. “From what I hear, ’parking’ is an issue at all NASCAR races.”

9. Paul Menard: Menard finished fifth at Sonoma, posting his third top-five result of the year.

“In the absence of Kevin Harvick,” Menard said, “I’ve taken over as a leader for Richard Childress Racing. And we haven’t missed a beat. That’s because we get ‘beat’ every week.”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th at Sonoma as Richard Childress Racing teammate Paul Menard took fifth. Newman is eighth in the points standings, 107 out of first.

“Our highest finish this year is a seventh,” Newman said, “which we’ve accomplished three times. I’m not sure if we can win with this car. We lack the speed of the Hendrick engines. It says ‘Caterpillar’ on my car; it also says ‘Caterpillar’ on the speedometer.”

June 24, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took the win at Michigan, snatching his third win in the last four races. It was his first win at Michigan, and he is now second in the points standings.

“That’s right,” Johnson said. “My first win at Michigan. And that just goes to show that you can’t underestimate my greatness—in one race, I scored two ‘firsts.’

“It was a Happy Father’s Day, at least for me. And what a great way to celebrate, with a win. The congratulations have been overwhelming. It’s been ‘mad props’ for the ‘glad pops.’”

2. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished seventh in the Quicken Loans 400, posting his tenth top-10 result of the year. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 23 behind Jeff Gordon.

“You probably heard I left Ryan Newman at the airport,” Earnhardt said. “I call that ‘left behind,’ and so did Newman, when he told me to kiss a certain butt cheek.

“By the way, Ryan’s phone has a new ring tone—Simple Minds’ ‘Don’t You Forget About Me.’”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started second at Michigan and led 36 laps on his way to a sixth at Michigan.

“That’s five wins in a row for Hendrick Motorsports,” Gordon said, “and sixth on the year. NASCAR hasn’t seen a run of dominance like this since Tim Richmond’s S&M phase. Here are some interesting ratios: Three of four Hendrick drivers have won six of 15 races. And one of four Hendrick drivers is Kasey Kahne.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Michigan following two straight runner-up finishes, at Dover and Pocono. He is fifth in the points standings, 47 out of first.

“I won in Las Vegas,” Keselowski said, “and haven’t won since. I guess it’s true what they say: ‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.’”

5. Matt Kenseth: Still seeking his first win of the season, Kenseth finished 14th in the Quicken Loans 400.

“I had seven wins last year,” Kenseth said, “and didn’t win the championship. By that rationale, I’m well on pace to win the Cup this year. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. As for now, my ‘Victory Circle’ is a zero.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano started ninth and finished ninth at Michigan, recording his eighth top-10 finish of the year. He moved up two spots in the points standings to seventh, 83 out of first.

“I’d like to wish my dad a Happy Fathers’ Day,” Logano said. “I’m sure most people at the track feel the same about him as they do about Fathers’ Day—-they’re glad it only shows up only once a year.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Michigan and finished second to Jimmie Johnson. It was Harvick’s fourth runner-up this season, and left him quite irritable.

“Some people say my frustration from four runner-up finishes this year is boiling over,” Harvick said. “Well, I would ‘second’ their opinion.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled at Michigan, finishing 23rd, one lap down, as Roush Fenway cars failed to crack the top 15. Edwards is now sixth in the points standings, 75 out of first.

“We Roush Fenway drivers consider Michigan our home track,” Edwards said. “Ironically, our performance there leaves us home sick.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished eight at Michigan, posting his seventh top 10 of the year. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 83 out of first.

“My girlfriend and I are expecting a child in December,” Larson said. “I’ll likely be NASCAR’s Rookie Of The Year and a father soon. So, as you’d expect for a young, up-and-coming superstar driver, things are happening ‘fast.’”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 15th in the Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, as Richard Childress Racing teammate Paul Menard took fourth.

“I missed a flight to Michigan because Dale Earnhardt Jr. just forgot about me,” Newman said. “I called Junior and told him I was standing on the runway, waiting for my ride. That joker replied, ‘What are you doing? ‘Taxi-ing?’”

June 17, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: In search of his third straight win, Johnson finished sixth at Pocono despite an accident on pit road with Marcos Ambrose that left the No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet with right-side damage. Johnson now sits fourth in the points standings, 23 behind Jeff Gordon.

“We failed at pulling off the ‘triple,’” Johnson said, “as did a certain horse. For this native of El Cajon, ‘California Chrome’ is what I call my trophy room. I’m a six-time Sprint Cup champion, so, in a sense, I’ve got two ‘triple crowns.’ That’s what is known as the ‘Jimmie Hat.’”

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt passed Brad Keselowski with five laps to go and won the Pocono 400. It was Earnhardt’s second win this season and first at Pocono’s 2.5 mile tri-oval. He is now third in the points standings, 22 behind Jeff Gordon.

“What was that on Keselowski’s grill?” Earnhardt said. “I’ll tell you. The same thing that’s littering the infield of any NASCAR track—white trash.

“Now, that’s a tough fate to befall a former Sprint Cup title winner. I guess that’s what you call a ‘paper’ champion.”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished eighth at Pocono and regained the Sprint Cup points lead as Matt Kenseth struggled to a 25th-place result. Gordon now leads Kenseth by 16 points.

“That’s three straight wins for Hendrick Motorsports,” Gordon said, “and five total on the season. Some say Rick Hendrick’s deep pockets are the reason we’re so dominant. There may be some truth to that. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won because of a white piece of paper. But in most cases, a Hendrick win can be attributed to paper that is green.’”

4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished a disappointing 25th in the Pocono 400 and remained winless on the year. He dropped out of the top spot in the points standings and is now in second, 16 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Pocono is just not one of my favorite tracks,” Kenseth said. “This ‘square’ doesn’t like triangles, and has a hard time finding ‘circles,’ namely ‘Victory.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano suffered his worst finish of the year, a 40th at Pocono, the result of engine failure with ten laps to go.

“A hot dog wrapper? A grill?” Logano said. “Sounded like a perfect occasion for some Miller Lite. But it was not to be.

“I’ll say it again. NASCAR is safer than the NFL. Why, you ask? Because men of color are just trying to break barriers, not other players.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led with five laps to go at Pocono, but lost the lead to Dale Earnhardt as Keselowski tried to clear a piece of debris from his grill. It was Keselowski’s second runner-up finish in a row, and left him fifth in the points standings, 50 out of first.

“Done in by a piece of paper that surrounds a hot dog,” Keselowski said. “In the business, that’s called getting ‘Vanilla Iced,’ because we got served by a ‘white wrapper.’

“I was trying to use Danica Patrick as a pick. Just call me ‘GoDaddy.com,’ because I was trying to exploit her.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards was collected in a late crash initiated when Kasey Kahne and Kyle Busch made contact. Edward’s day was done on lap 143, and he finished 41st. He is seventh in the points standings, 57 out of first.

“Greg Biffle is set to sign an extension with Roush Fenway,” Edwards said. “Biffle’s never won a championship in his long tenure here. So, it’s no surprise he’s not ‘going places.’

“Of course, my future here is a lot like a good back flip—up in the air. And speaking of ‘hang time,’ I don’t have any, because none of my teammates want to ‘hang’ with me.

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 14th at Pocono, as Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won, joining Harvick, Joey Logano, and Jimmie Johnson in the two-win club.

“I can certainly empathize with Brad Keselowski,” Harvick said. “I too know what a worthless white piece of paper is. In my case, it was several—when I ripped up my Richard Childress Racing contract.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch came home 12th at Pocono, posting a solid finish despite making contact with Kasey Kahne on lap 142 and losing considerable track position. Busch is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 55 out of first.

“Tough break there for Brad Keselowski,” Busch said. “If you’ve got trash all up in your grill, try some dental floss.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Pocono and brought home a fourth-place finish, leading the Joe Gibbs Racing charge. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 78 out of first.

“Is Carl Edwards headed to Joe Gibbs Racing?” Hamlin said. “On the surface, it seems ‘Cousin Carl’ would be a great addition to the team. But, let’s face it, I’m not the only with who feels no amount of ‘kinship’ with Edwards.”

June 11, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson backed up his win at Charlotte with a dominant win in the FedEx 400 Benefitting Autism Speaks at Dover. Johnson led 272 of 500 laps for his second consecutive win, and guaranteed his spot in the Chase.

“The race was delayed 20 minutes to repair a pothole,” Johnson said. “Interestingly enough, I ‘cemented’ my status as a Sprint Cup favorite.

“That’s my ninth win at the Monster Mile. Obviously, that’s one monster that doesn’t scare me. I like to go fast at Dover. Forget Miles The Monster; I’m the ‘Boogie Man’ at Dover.”

2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon was strong early but faded late to finish 15th at Dover, only his fifth finish outside the top 10 this year. As a result, Gordon fell from the top of the Sprint Cup points standings, and now trails Matt Kenseth by two.

“What a run by Jimmie Johnson,” Gordon said. “He already had the Dover record with eight wins; now it’s nine. That’s even more than what we’ve come to expect from Jimmie at the Monster Mile. I guess that’s what you call ‘Dover-achieving.’”

“How about that loose piece of track in the Monster Mile track? It really took a chunk out of Jamie McMurray’s car. I’ve heard of tires having ‘bite;’ this time the track did.”

3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth, still in search of his first win of the season, finished third at Dover, earning his series-best tenth top 10 of the year. He assumed the lead in the points standings, and now holds a two-point edge over Jeff Gordon.

“Sure, we’re disappointed we didn’t win,” Kenseth said. “But that was my third consecutive third-place finish, so our attitude is still upbeat and optimistic. And that’s the morale of the story.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Dover, his seventh top 10 of the year, as Penske teammate Brad Keselowski took the runner-up spot behind Jimmie Johnson. Logano is now sixth in the points standings, 49 behind Matt Kenseth.

“It was a great weekend for Roger Penske,” Logano said. “In addition to our top-10 finishes, Helio Castroneves and Will Power finished 1-2 in Sunday’s Indy Dual In Detroit. Most owners drive themselves crazy in search of the kind of success Roger Penske enjoys. So, while Helio is climbing the fence, competing car owners are climbing the walls.”

5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt claimed ninth at Dover, posting his ninth top-10 finish of the year. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 34 behind Matt Kenseth.

“After winning the Daytona 500,” Earnhardt said, “I’m winless in the last 12 races. That pales in comparison to a 55-race winless streak or a 143-race winless streak. And speaking of ‘pails,’I have a bucket list that’s yet to be completed.

“You’ve probably heard about my race car graveyard. Unfortunately, it’s not open to the public. In other words, it’s a lot like my Sprint Cup championship—no one can see it.”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 14th at Dover as Roush Fenway Racing failed to place a car in the top 10. Edwards is currently third in the points standings, 25 out of first.

“I’m 25 points behind my former teammate Matt Kenseth,” Edwards said. “Once, I had an ‘arm up’ on him; now, he’s got a leg up on me.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick suffered a flat tire while leading on lap 166 and lost two laps, eventually finishing 17th at Dover, one lap down.

“I’m not sure what caused the flat tire,” Harvick said, “but I’m guessing a piece of the track was the culprit. Do I know this for sure? No, but nevertheless, I have ‘concrete’ evidence.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch’s bid for the Trucks, Nationwide, and Sprint Cup sweep at Dover ended when he slammed the wall on lap 124. Busch was done for the day and finished 42nd.

“Clint Bowyer just ran me into the wall,” Busch said. “So I chased him around the track. Don’t believe me? Check the race results. You’ll see next to Bowyer’s name, it has ‘running.’

“I understand Bowyer’s spotter was at fault. So, maybe I jumped the gun a bit when I told Clint to ‘watch where he’s going.’”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Dover and finished second, as Penske teammate Joey Logano took eighth. Keselowski is eighth in the points standings, 59 out of first.

“I think NASCAR officials did a pretty good job repairing the pothole at Dover,” Keselowski said. “But I think they may have put a little too much cement in the hole. And the No. 2 Miller Lite car agrees when it says ‘less filling.’”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took two tires during the final caution at Dover and powered to a fifth-place finish, his first top 5 since winning at Talladega. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 84 behind Matt Kenseth,

“I was the only Joe Gibbs driver who wasn’t ran into by Clint Bowyer,” Hamlin said. “Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? Yes, there is. Don’t say this to Clint: ‘Go ahead. Make my day worse.’”

June 3, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon overcame back spasms to post a seventh in the Coca Cola 600 at Charlotte. He remains atop the Sprint Cup points standings, 11 ahead of Matt Kenseth.

“Back problems have been an ongoing issue for me,” Gordon said, “as has the quest to win my fifth Cup championship. That’s why the latter part of my career can be described as ‘back and fourth.’

“We had Regan Smith on standby just in case I couldn’t go. Turns out, we didn’t need him, which certainly isn’t the first time Regan’s heard that.”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started on the pole and led a race-high 164 on his way to the win in the Coca-Cola 600. It was Johnson’s first win of the year, and all but ensured his chance to defend his Sprint Cup championship.

“The No. 48 Chevrolet with the special Memorial Day paint scheme was awesome,” Johnson said. “Matt Kenseth was no match for me. You could say I ‘red, white, and blew’ right past him.

“You’ve probably heard that I completed a triathlon last Saturday. I’m proud to call myself a ‘triathlete.’ The great Tim Richmond was NASCAR’s original triathlete, because he’d ‘tri’ anything.

3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth held the lead on the final restart but was easily passed by Jimmie Johnson, who went on for his first victory of the year. Kenseth eventually finished third, and is second in the points standings, 11 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Johnson went by me like I wasn’t even there,” Kenseth said. “I could say the same about most NASCAR fans. I may be the most unrecognizable athlete in professional sports today.”

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished two laps down in 19th at Charlotte after engines problems soured his day. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 38 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I raced Charles Barkley head-to-head a couple of weeks ago,” Earnhardt said. “Charles can really drive. The last time he went that fast, there was a prostitute waiting on him. Where was she waiting, you ask? Well, let’s just say Sir Charles’ car is good at ‘cornering.’”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 100 laps and finished second at Charlotte to Jimmie Johnson. Harvick was going for his third win this season, but couldn’t chase down Johnson.

“Where’s one of those phantom cautions when you need one?” Harvick said. “I guess that’s what happens on Memorial Day weekend—there’s plenty of red, white, and blue flags, but no yellow.”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his third top-five finish of the year with a fourth in the Coca-Cola 600. He is third in the points standings, 24 out of first.

“Trevor Bayne’s joining the Roush Fenway Racing family in 2015,” Edwards said. “That means a current driver at Roush is likely to say goodbye. Could that be me? If it is, I guess you could call me ‘Cousin It.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 12th at Charlotte as Penske teammate Brad Keselowski finished tenth. Logano is now sixth in the points, 54 behind Jeff Gordon.

“What a run by Kurt Busch at Indianapolis,” Logano said. “And what a run by race winner Ryan Hunter-Reay. Not only does he lead the Indy Car points standings, he’s the most sought-after driver on the talk show circuit now. I guess that’s what happens when the Hunter becomes the hunted.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished ninth at Charlotte, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year. He is now third in the points standings, 24 out of first.

“My brother Kurt didn’t complete the Indianapolis-Charlotte ‘double,’” Busch said, “but he did finish sixth. I think all NASCAR drivers would agree that’s an incredible accomplishment. And I’m sure all NASCAR drivers would agree Kurt should become a full-time open-wheel driver.”

9. Brian Vickers: Vickers finished sixth in the Coca-Cola 600, earning his second straight top-10 and fifth of the year. He is now eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 67 behind Jeff Gordon.

“It’s great driving for Michael Waltrip,” Vickers said. “And it’s great driving the Aaron’s Dream Machine. I like to think my alter ego, who’s a fierce competitor talented enough to contend for the Cup, would drive a car called the ‘Rude Awakening.’ Here’s to dreaming.”

10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s attempt at fuel mileage strategy was derailed by a late-race pit stop for a right-wheel vibration. Still, the driver of the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford finished tenth, his fifth top-10 of the year, and is now ninth in the points standings, 71 out of first.

“We just didn’t get the wheel on tight enough,” Keselowski said. “If that would have happened to the No. 48 car, it would have been called a ‘Shimmy Johnson.’”

May 28, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took the lead with eight laps to go and held off the hard-changing Kevin Harvick to take the checkered flag at Kansas. It was Gordon’s first win this season and third career win at Kansas Speedway.

“My pit crew really came through with a great stop,” Gordon said. “In this sport, it’s all about the ‘seconds.’ Just ask Mark Martin.

“Winning a race is a weight off my shoulders. Now, I’ve got to take that wait off my shoulders, because it’s been 13 years since my last Cup title.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano took third in the 5-Hour Energy 400, posting his sixth top-five of the year. He is sixth in the points standings, 48 behind Jeff Gordon.

“The lights went out on the backstretch during the race,” Logano said. “I guess NASCAR’s “Drive For Diversity” program is working, because it just got darker.”

3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 10th at Kansas, the best finish among Toyota drivers. Kenseth is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 15 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I didn’t see the light,” Kenseth said. “And, I also didn’t see the ‘Lite.’ That’s because Brad Keselowski was driving the No. 2 car with the Würth paint scheme. If you’ll notice, in the word ‘Würth,’ there are two dots over the ‘u.’ On a related note, I’d like to give Keselowski two dots in his ‘i.’”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt posted his sixth top-five finish with a fifth at Kansas as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon took the win. Earnhardt is fourth in the points standings, 26 out of first.

“Another problem with the lights for NASCAR,” Earnhardt said. “I guess this gives new meaning to the term ‘night racing.’ But let’s not be too alarmed. There are hundreds of blackouts in every NASCAR race, most in the infield, and nearly all involving fans of Junior Nation.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards led six laps and finished sixth in the 5-Hour Energy 500 at Kansas. He moved up one spot to fifth in the points standings, and trails Jeff Gordon by 27.

“After the lights went out,” Edwards said, “NASCAR officials asked the drivers if they could see well enough to continue. You could say, for once, that NASCAR started on the ‘poll.’”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 15th at Kansas, as Matt Kenseth was the top Joe Gibbs Racing finisher, in 10th. Busch is still third in the points standings, 21 out of first.

“Despite driving the No. 18 Snickers car,” Busch said, “I’m not satisfied.”

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led 24 laps at Kansas, but was no match for the faster cars of Jeff Gordon and Kevin Harvick. He faded to ninth at the finish, and remains winless on the season.

“I heard Danica Patrick got a big thrill passing me,” Johnson said. “Give her a pat on the back. Usually, when Danica passes a Sprint Cup champion, the only thing back is her lap.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 119 laps, but was beaten out of the pits on the final caution by Jeff Gordon. Harvick couldn’t catch Gordon down the stretch and settled for second.

“We just didn’t get it done on the pit stop,” Harvick said. “It’s one thing to get caught speeding on pit lane; it’s another to get caught ‘sleeping.’”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th in the 5-Hour Energy 400 at Kansas, just missing out on his fourth top-10 result of the year. He is, however, in the top 10 in the points, in eighth, 62 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Clint Bowyer’s mother gave the command to start the engines,” Newman said. “She really gave it a nice personal touch. You could say she put her own ‘spin’ on it.”

10. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 16th at Kansas in the No. 16 Roush Fenway Racing Toyota. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 66 out of first.

“It was an eventful race,” Biffle said. “Between the threat of storms, cars on fire, and malfunctioning lights, NASCAR is probably saying ‘Glad we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

May 13, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon ran up front much of the day at Talladega before he was collected in the “Big One” on lap 137. He finished 39th, his worst finish of the year, 32 laps down, but held on to the lead in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“Brad Keselowski really made a mess,” Gordon said. “Sure, it was the ‘Big One,’ but a lot of drivers think Brad is the ‘Biggest One.’

“Hey, the new season of ‘24’ starts soon. I haven’t won a Sprint Cup title since 2001, so I’m longing for the old season of ’24.’”

2. Joey Logano: Logano was collected in a lap 175 wreck when Jimmie Johnson got loose and triggered a pileup that knocked Logano from the race. Logano finished 32nd, and is now sixth in the points standings.

“Johnson and Brad Keselowski wiped out half the field, it seemed,” Logano said. “Their reputations may precede them, but accidents seem to follow them.

“Sure, NASCAR fined Marcos and Ambrose for fighting. But I think NASCAR wants this type of conflict. The ‘Boys have at it’ has become the ‘Fine, And Dandy’ mentality.”

3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished a disappointing 37th after sustaining damage in a lap 137 crash triggered when Brad Keselowski spun, affecting 14 cars. Kenseth is second in the points standings, three behind Jeff Gordon.

“That was a mind-boggling move by Keselowski,” Kenseth said. “That’s said with just a hint of sarcasm. And, as we all know, ‘mind-boggling’ leads to ‘head-shaking,’ which, in turn, can lead to ‘neck-throttling.’ Brad’s taken knockout qualifying one step further to knockout racing.”

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt hung back in an effort to avoid the inevitable late carnage at Talladega. He succeeded, but in doing so was too far back to make a run to the front. He finished 26th, and is now fourth in the points standings, 19 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I played it safe,” Earnhardt said. “Sure, maybe I wasn’t giving my all to win, which is a violation of NASCAR’s ‘100 percent’ rule. But I was following the ’80 percent’ rule. ‘100 percent’ minus ’80 percent’ equals ‘20 percent,’ also known as ’40 proof’ to the fans of Junior Nation.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 12th at Talladega as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin scored the victory. Busch is now third in the points standings, four behind Jeff Gordon.

“That was a great run by Denny,” Busch said. “He really made a statement today, and you can see it in his attitude. Now, that sparkle in his eye isn’t a piece of metal.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski ran into trouble on lap 14 when he made contact with Danica Patrick, which sent the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford sliding down the track and into the infield grass. Later, on lap 137, he lost control and caused the ‘Big One,’ collecting 14 cars. Keselowski eventually finished 38th, 28 laps down.

“It was a tough day for the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford,” Keselowski said. “I can’t get out of here fast enough. I packed everything. I’m even taking blame and responsibility.

“But I plan to bounce back at Kansas. Hopefully, that ‘bounce’ won’t be off several cars, as was the case at Talladega.”

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson struggled in the Aaron’s 499, finishing 23rd after a lap 175 spin that knocked out Joey Logano, among others. Still winless on the year, Johnson is seventh in the points standings, 43 out of first.

“I just lost it,” Johnson said. “I can’t apologize enough to those affected. But how many apologies are enough? Most say six is more than enough. Not me. I’m aiming for a legendary number of apologies.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards had a strong run in the Aaron’s 499 cut short when he cut a tire with six laps to go and started a wreck that took out several cars. Edwards eventually finished 30th, six laps down.

“You may have seen me warn the cars behind that I had a flat,” Edwards said. “I did that by waving my hand out of my window. I’m surprised anyone understood, because that’s four more fingers than most drivers are used to seeing out of the window of a NASCAR driver.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin outdueled Kevin Harvick on a restart with two laps to go to take his first win of the season, the crash-filled Aaron’s 499 at Talladega.

“Joey Logano notwithstanding,” Hamlin said, “I can honestly say I was happy to see ‘yellow’ coming at me.”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led with two laps to go at Talladega, but was passed by Denny Hamlin. With no draft help, Harvick faded to seventh, his fourth top-10 result of the year.

“I couldn’t get a push from anyone,” Harvick said. “Certainly not from Casey Mears. After what went down in Richmond, he’s afraid to ‘push’ anyone.”

May 7, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led 173 of 400 laps at Richmond, but his quest for his first win of the season fell short. He finished second behind Joey Logano after a spirited four-car battle for the win during the final laps. Gordons leads the Sprint Cup points standings, five ahead of Matt Kenseth.

“This race had everything,” Gordon said. “Excitement, controversy, confrontation, and a punch. Marcos Ambrose really let Casey Mears have it. I guess you could say the Australian gave him a ‘vegemite knuckle sandwich.’ It was ‘Aus-some!’

“NASCAR doesn’t have the guts to admit it, but I think Ambrose’s punch was good for the sport. There’s plenty of ‘talking smack’ is NASCAR; finally, someone actually did more than just talk it.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano started fourth on the race’s final restart and zoomed to the lead as Matt Kenseth, Jeff Gordon, and Brad Keselowski jockeyed for position. Logano took the lead with three laps to go and held on for his second win of the year.

“I passed three NASCAR Sprint Cup champions,” Logano said. “While Kenseth and Gordon were sandwiching Keselowski, ‘Sliced Bread’ stole the win. Thanks to my teammate for helping me with the win. Brad then jumped on my hood to congratulate me. I’m not surprised. Just ask Kenseth. Brad was feeling a little ‘froggy.’

“Marcos Ambrose punched Casey Mears. That aggressiveness inspired me, so I punched my ticket. Here’s hoping it doesn’t punch back.”

3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth lead on the final restart and valiantly held off Jeff Gordon and Brad Keselowski, but in doing so allowed Joey Logano to slip by for the win. Kenseth finished fifth and was confronted after the race by Keselowski, who accused Kenseth of blocking.

“Brad had some words from me,” Kenseth said. “He can get mouthy when he’s angry just as easily as he can get ‘gummy’ when he smiles.

“But there’s no place for violence in this sport, at least not from me. If I ‘raise my hand,’ you can rest assured it’s because I want to ask a question.”

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished seventh in the Toyota Owners 400, posting his sixth top 10 of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 32 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I don’t appreciate getting caught up in Brad Keselowski’s desire for vengeance,” Earnhardt said. “He’ll ‘pay’ for this, most likely with a ‘brake check.’”

5. Kyle Busch: After rough going for the better part of Saturday’s race, Busch stormed to the front on the final restart and claimed third in the Toyota Owners 400. He is now fourth in the points standings, 31 behind Jeff Gordon.

“What a great run by Joey Logano,” Busch said. “But he’s not the happiest driver of the day. That would be my brother Kurt. He’s thrilled that someone got punched and it wasn’t him.

“But let’s be serious for a minute. Ambrose and Mears finished 18th and 19th, respectively. Is that worth a punch in the eye? By that rationale, Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., who finished 34th and 38th, could have very well scrapped. In that case, someone would have taken one right in the kisser.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski battled for the lead late at Richmond, but was held at bay by Matt Kenseth’s tactics, which were dirty, according to Keselowski. Keselowski finished fourth as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win.

“Kenseth tried to run me into the wall,” Keselowski said. “I called it a ‘mind-boggling’ move. What’s really mind-boggling is that I found it mind-boggling.

“We had a car honoring Detroit Genuine Parts. Detroit is known for its car parts. The city is littered with them.”

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson lost a front tire with 34 laps to go at Richmond and limped home to a 32nd-place finish. He is now eighth in the points standings and still winless on the year.

“It’s been a tough year for us so far,” Johnson said. “But, despite being a six-time Sprint Cup champion, I’m human just like every other driver. The worse that can happen to me is the same as the worse that can happen to them—-not winning the championship.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards took ninth at Richmond, recording his fifth top-10 result of the year. He remained third in the Sprint Cup points standings and trails Jeff Gordon by 28.

“Robert Griffin III drove the pace car at Richmond,” Edwards said. “He was recruited by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Those two have a lot in common; they’ve never won a championship, and they both like white women.”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished eighth in the Toyota Owners 400, posting his fourth top 10 of the year. He stands ninth in the points standings, 69 out of first.

“Casey Mears got KO’d,” Newman said, “while Brad Keselowski got PO’d. I’m shocked….shocked that Ambrose’s punch wasn’t an uppercut. If it had been, we could say that the punch, much like Ambrose himself, came from ‘Down Under.’”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Richmond, posting the top finish among Stewart-Haas Racing drivers. Race winner Joey Logano joined Harvick as the only two-time winners this season.

“What a race!” Harvick said. “And what a punch by Marcos Ambrose. I’m sure that left Casey Mears with a black eye, which, in NASCAR’s eyes, is proof enough that the ‘Drive For Diversity’ program is working.”

April 29, 2014