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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron assumed the lead on Lap 51 when Martin Truex Jr. pitted from the lead. Byron led the final 17 laps and cruised to the win in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix, his second win of the season.

    “I started on the pole,” Byron said, “and my Chevy was clearly the best on the track all day. Therefore, the outcome of the race was a ‘24-gone conclusion.’”

    2. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 at COTA and tried his best to chase down William Byron for the lead late, but couldn’t catch the Hendrick driver and settled for the runner-up spot.

    “Congratulations to William,” Bell said. “His road course acumen really showed and he was clearly the best driver on the track on Sunday. So, at least for a day, he was the ‘GOAT-A’ at COTA.”

    3. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs took third in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix at Circuit Of The Americas. Gibbs has top-10 or better finishes in five of six races this season.

    “I can’t believe we went a whole race without a caution for cause,” Gibbs said. “What’s even more unbelievable is that NASCAR allowed it to happen. If there was ever the right time to throw a ‘phantom caution,’ the end of that race was the time. What this race lacked in excitement, it made up for in boredom.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 10th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix, posting his fourth top 10 of the season.

    “I had to make a much too early pit stop for a tire situation,” Truex said. “It seemed I had a shattered tire rim. And that pit stop was punctuated by a ‘rim shot’ on the drums.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney overcame a late spin to finish 12th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.

    “Road course racing may not be my cup of tea,” Blaney said. “But like most NASCAR fans, I don’t drink my tea from a cup, I drink it from a bong.

    “I’m still winless this season, but I’m posting solid results on every type of track we race on. And I’m thinking big picture. In other words, the Playoffs, and everybody knows what happened in the Playoffs last year: ‘The Menards were separated from the boys.’”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led three laps and finished 14th at COTA.

    “My car featured the colors and scheme of Interstate Batteries,” Hamlin said.”Interstate Battery” is also known as what Ross Chastain does when he goes state to state to NASCAR tracks and drives into various cars.

    7. Ross Chastain: Chastain led 10 laps on his way to a seventh-place finish in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.

    “Road course races are like buffets,” Chastain said. “That’s because they have an international flavor. And that’s what makes them so popular. Ask any NASCAR fan; they can definitely relate to a buffet.”

    8. Tyler Reddick: Reddick was strong all day at Austin and finished fifth in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.

    “I was lucky enough to be a part of Michael Waltrip’s ‘Grid Walk,’” Reddick said. “And, I am unlucky enough to be nearly a foot shorter than Waltrip and ‘Grid Walk’ guest, University Of Texas head coach Steve Sarkisian.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 18th at COTA.

    “I suffered a spin during Stage 2 that really cost me a lot of track position,” Larson said. “By ‘suffered,’ I mean ‘Christopher Bell did it.’ Bell also did the same to Kyle Busch. So that’s two of us he spun. That left us saying, ‘What the Hells, Bell?’”

    10. Alex Bowman: Bowman took fourth at COTA as Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron snagged the win.

    “The story of the day was the battle between Toyota and Chevrolet,” Bowman said. “So, I guess the only notable part of the Fords was the back seat.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson suffered a late pit lane penalty, damaging his hopes for a high finish, but salvaged a strong fifth-place at Bristol.

    “The Bristol surface really did a number on tires,” Larson said. “So, it’s all about conserving your tires, which is difficult for race car drivers who just want to go fast. We have to toe the fine line between burning rubber without burning too much rubber.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex battled to the end, but couldn’t quite catch Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin and settled for second in the Food City 500.

    “I think we’re all glad we’re not racing on dirt at Bristol,” Truex said. “I think the exciting racing that took place on Sunday is concrete evidence of the surface we should race on going forward.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 163 laps, taking charge late and securing the win in the Food City 500, earning his first victory of the season.

    “This race was all about tire management,” Hamlin said. “Luckily, I was able to manage mine best. That’s why, after the race, I requested that all queries for interviews be addressed as follows: ‘I’d like to speak to the manager.’”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole and finished 16th in a wild Food City 500.

    “I haven’t finished worse than 16th all year,” Blaney said. “I may be winless, but my consistency is unmatched. I guess that runs in the family because my father Dave also consistently did not win.”

    5. Christopher Bell: Bell ran up front for most of the day at Bristol, but suffered a late flat tire and finished 10th in the Food City 500.

    “Goodyear really had to stay busy to keep everyone supplied with tires,” Bell said. “There was a point in which every team was wondering if we would even get extra sets of tires. It went from ‘tire wear’ to ‘tire where?’”

    6. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 15th at Bristol.

    “My car featured the Busch Light Fishing paint scheme,” Chastain said. “Busch Light would like to remind people to not overdo it if you’re out on the water fishing while enjoying your Busch Light, lest you get ‘fish fried.’”

    7. Chris Buescher: Buescher posted his third top-10 finish with a seventh in the Food City 500.

    “The No. 17 Build Submarines Ford was strong all day at Bristol,” Buescher said. “Like every other driver, I ran much of the race worrying about whether I’d blow a tire or tires. So, I don’t know what was the biggest theme of the race, stress on tires, or stress about tires.”

    8. William Byron: Disaster struck early for Byron at Bristol, as contact between Christopher Bell and Joey Logano sent Byron into the wall on Lap 20, resulting in a broken toe link. Byron finished 35th, eight laps down.

    “I’m not happy about what happened,” Byron said. “Now, if you ask me about it, I’d rather not talk about it, which is the opposite of what Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s pool boy did in the 2022 Netflix series ‘God Forbid.’”

    9. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs swept Stages 1 and 2 at Bristol, but tire troubles late cost him a chance for the win. He still posted a solid ninth in the Food City 500.

    “Toyotas dominated at Bristol,” Gibbs said. “I’m sure that doesn’t make Ford and Chevy drivers happy. Their cars were made in America, but the drivers were mad in America.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Eliott finished eight at Bristol.

    “Tire wear created a lot of what is known as ‘marbles’ on the track,” Elliott said. “When you can actually see the pieces of your tires coming off and ending up on the track, that can be very scary. But as professional drivers, we have to deal with it. And the only way to deal with marbles on the track is to have marbles in your sack.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Phoenix, posting his third consecutive top 5 result of the season.

    “I feel good about my performance this year,” Blaney said. “I think I’m well on my way to defending my title as Cup champion. And I think Phoenix Raceway has already defended its title as one of the most boring tracks on the schedule.”

    2. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 2 and dominated late to take the win in the Shriners Children’s 500.

    “We had a slow stop when we pitted at the end of Stage 2,” Bell said. “That cost us track position. But my car was so good, that I was easily able to make up those positions. When I finally took the lead, I knew the only thing that could stop me was a caution. Or, one of those ‘phantom cautions’ that NASCAR sometimes decides to call when one car is dominating and they want a closer finish. You know, all it takes sometimes is a chewing gum wrapper.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson, fresh off a win at Las Vegas, finished 14th in the Shriners Children’s 500.

    “The Cup series will be back in Phoenix in November,” Larson said. “That will be the championship round of the playoffs. And barring a slip-up, of the tongue or otherwise, I plan to be there as a championship driver.”

    4. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished sixth in the Shriners Children’s 500.

    “That’s three straight top 10 finishes for me,” Chastain said. “For the championship, I consider myself a force to be reckoned with. Most drivers consider me a force that can’t be reasoned with.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled to a 22nd-place finish at Phoenix.

    “We just had a terrible weekend,” Kyle Busch said. “Nothing was working, except for crew members making countless adjustments that did nothing to help my car.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led late at Phoenix, but gave up the lead for an off-cycle pit stop and eventually finished seventh.

    “Joey Logano was driving the No. 22 Hunt Brothers Pizza Ford,” Truex said. “That was strange because when you see Hunt Brothers Pizza on a car, you expect to see Kevin Harvick in it. When you see Hunt Brothers Pizza on the menu, you expect to see someone in the bathroom.”

    7. Daniel Suarez: Suarez came home 13th in the Shriners Children’s 500.

    “After the exciting conclusion at Atlanta back on February 25th,” Suarez said, “race finishes have been pretty boring. Whereas at Atlanta, you needed a camera to determine the distance between first and second, in Phoenix, you needed a few football fields.”

    8. William Byron: Byron finished 18th at Phoenix.

    “I was a non-factor at Phoenix,” Byron said. “I wish I could say my No. 24 Chevy was a non-tractor, but I can’t because that is actually what it drove like.”

    9. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs finished third at Phoenix and is now eighth in the points standings.

    “The Joe Gibbs Racing team was really strong today,” Gibbs said. “I’ve got my grandfather, Joe Gibbs, to thank for that. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my grandfather, I wouldn’t be here.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 19th at Phoenix.

    “It’s been a while since I saw Victory Lane,” Elliott said. “It’s been a while since any of the regulars at the Dawsonville Pool Hall saw sobriety.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson dominated throughout the day on Sunday, sweeping the stages and leading 181 laps on his way to the win in the Pennzoil 400 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

    “There wasn’t a car on the track that could challenge me,” Larson said. “You could say I was ‘untouchable,’ which is what advertisers were calling me back in the spring of 2020.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third in the Pennzoil 400.

    “I don’t know what Joey Logano was trying to accomplish with his altered driving gloves,” Blaney said. “All I know is this: he surely would not want his proctologist to use a similarly-altered glove.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch was strong at Vegas, but a pit road penalty shot down his chances for a high finish, and he settled for 26th in the Pennzoil 400.

    “My No. 8 Chevy featured the BetMGM paint scheme,” Busch said. “And in Las Vegas, no less. So the shenanigans in the infield campgrounds were slightly different than what you’d see at other tracks because there was a lot of ‘heavy-betting.’”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home seventh in the Pennzoil 400.

    “The weather sure did play a role in the race,” Truex said. “The story of the race may have been the high winds that impacted all the cars’ handling. Luckily, we were prepared for it, thanks to the accurate forecasts, which were sent to us via the following headline: ‘Breaking: Winds.’”

    5. Daniel Suarez: Suarez, last week’s winner at Atlanta, finished 11th in the Pennzoil 400.

    “This race was nowhere near as exciting as the Atlanta race,” Suarez said. “In fact, it was the opposite of a ‘photo’ finish, because you’d never want to see it again.”

    6. Ross Chastain: Chastain ran up front at Las Vegas, but could not challenge the No. 5 of Kyle Larson and settled for fourth.

    “This race lacked the excitement of last week’s barnburner at Atlanta,” Chastain said. “It wasn’t even close to being a photo finish. Kyle Larson made sure of that. It seemed the only relevant photo in Vegas was of Larson’s rear bumper.”

    7. William Byron: Byron was solid at Las Vegas and finished 10th in the Pennzoil 400, his second top 10 of the year.

    “I had to make an unscheduled pit stop early to remove debris from my grill,” Byron said. “Actually, it was a little bit more than debris; it was a garbage bag. Weird, because I think we’re all used to seeing white trash at the races.”

    8. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs finished fifth at Las Vegas, his best finish of the season.

    “The pre-race had a distinct Las Vegas Raiders flavor to it,” Gibbs said. “First, that cigar-smoking, tattooed freak Maxx Crosby did a promo for the race, then the Raiders goofy punter A.J. Cole gave the ‘start your engines’ command. All they needed to complete the theme was Raiders owner Mark Davis and his wacky haircut to prove to fans that their haircuts are not that bad.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 12th at Las Vegas.

    “Michael McDowell’s No. 34 car featured the Love’s truck stops paint scheme,” McDowell said. “That pretty much guarantees him the lot lizard demographic among NASCAR fans.”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Las Vegas, his third pole in a row, but struggled with handling issues and finished ninth.

    “That’s right,” Logano said. “Three poles in a row. When I try to hold up three fingers in my ‘special’ gloves, I can’t, because all my fingers are stuck together. I think NASCAR will regret penalizing me for wearing those gloves…….but only if my car wrecks during a race and ends up submerged in a body of water and I have trouble swimming out with just regular human hands.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Daniel Suárez: Suarez surged late and edged Ryan Blaney and Kyle Busch at the line in a photo finish to win the Ambetter Health 400.

    “That may have been the greatest moment of my racing career,” Suarez said, “followed by the most disappointing, because I celebrated by smashing a taco pinata, but it was empty.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney fell short by mere fractions of a second, taking second to Daniel Suarez in a photo finish that decided the Ambetter Health 400.

    “Congratulations to Daniel,” Blaney said. “He chose the right line and deserved to win. So, I say, ‘Good job, amigo.’ Next time, though, you will see ‘me go’ faster.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third in the Ambetter Health 400, coming up just short in a photo finish at the finish line.

    “We were so close,” Busch said. “I told myself before the race that we could win this race. And when you tell yourself that, it’s all about believing it. And let me tell you, I’m way better at convincing myself as opposed to a state trooper.”

    4. Bubba Wallace: Wallace finished fifth at Atlanta.

    “My car sported the ‘MoneyLion’ paint scheme,” Wallace said. “MoneyLion is a personal finance tech company. I hear it’s pretty popular. In other words, there’s ‘great interest’ in MoneyLion.”

    5. William Byron: Byron finished 17th in the Ambetter Health 400 and leads the Cup series points standings.

    “The race was filled with crashes,” Byron said. “There were only seven cars that weren’t involved in an accident. That’s amazing. What’s more amazing is that Ross Chastain was on that list. Not surprisingly, he took drivers off that list.”

    6. Austin Cindric: Cindric led 32 laps and finished fourth at Atlanta.

    “You probably heard that Joey Logano had to start at the rear of the field because of a penalty for ‘illegal gloves,’” McDowell said. “That’s a new one on me. I didn’t know there was such a thing as ‘performance-enhancing gloves.’ I’m sure that irritated Joey. Whatever altering he did to his gloves, I can assure you Joey left the middle fingers intact.”

    7. Michael McDowell: McDowell started on the pole and won Stage 1 at Atlanta, on his way to an eighth in the Ambetter Health 400.

    “I think I’ve proven I can run with the big dogs,” McDowell said. “So don’t sleep on me as a contender for the Cup championship. If you do want to sleep, attend the upcoming race at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished seventh at Atlanta.

    “There were quite a few big names knocked out of the race in accidents,” Chastain said. “Amazingly, none were my fault. The fewer cars in contention, the better my odds of winning. I call it ‘Attrition by subtraction.’”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led nine laps and finished 12th in the Ambetter Health 400.

    “I guess I’m now NASCAR’s elder statesman,” Truex said. “It makes sense because I’ve been racing for over 20 years. You can call me an ‘old fart’ and I won’t argue, because that’s pretty much what my driver’s seat smells like after all these years.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott started at the rear of the field due to pre-race adjustments and came home 15th in Atlanta.

    “I was in an early accident that really damaged my No. 9 Chevy,” Elliott said. “So we had to make quite a few stops and make repairs when we could. And it’s the subtle changes that really matter. And since we’re talking ‘subtlety,’ nothing says ‘subtle’ like the owl’s eyes on my Hooters-sponsored car.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron took the lead on lap 199 and held on for the win as Ross Chastain and Austin Cindric crashed as they approached the start/finish line.

    “It was an awesome day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Byron said. “I won in the No. 24 car that Jeff Gordon made famous. And Jimmie Johnson actually qualified for the Daytona 500. Just a few laps into the race, he was two laps down. So I guess you can say Jimmie’s doing much better than he was driving an Indy car.”

    2. Alex Bowman: Bowman took second in the Daytona, giving Hendrick Motorsports a 1-2 finish.

    “As Hannibal Smith of the ‘A-Team’ often said after foiling the plans of the enemies,” Bowman said, “‘I love it when a plan comes together.’ That’s also what Hendrick Motorsports said after me and William Byron worked together to cause a wreck and foil the plans of all the other contenders.”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell started second and finished third in the Daytona 500.

    “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson served as Grand Marshal for Monday’s race,” Bell said. “I think what he should have said was ‘If you hear what The Rock is saying, then drivers, start your engines.’

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole and led a race-high 45 laps before his day ended as a casualty of the Lap 191 “Big One.” He finished 32nd.

    “With Kevin Harvick now in the broadcasters’ booth,” Logano said, “my car now sports the Hunt Brothers Pizza in-car camera. And I always want to see what’s going on behind me, unless I recently ate some Hunt Brothers Pizza.”

    5. Corey LaJoie: LaJoie grabbed an unlikely fourth in the Daytona 500.

    “This was a great day for Spire Motorsports and Chili’s,” LaJoie said. “We didn’t win the race, so I guess dousing myself in champagne is out of the question. So with Chili’s in mind, my celebration will consist of taking a dump…..of Chili’s molten chocolate cake on my head.”

    6. Bubba Wallace: Wallace finished sixth at Daytona.

    “I think if the final lap would have been under green,” Wallace said, “I think we had a good chance to win. That would have been a career-defining moment. I dream of driving a car into victory lane; my co-car owner Michael Jordan actually drove an NBA team into the ground in real life.”

    7. Ross Chastain: Chastain had the lead when green flag racing resumed after a massive Lap 191 melee necessitated a red flag.

    “I was totally ready to smash a watermelon,” Chastain said. “The drivers collected in that accident were ready to smash a steel chair, over the head of Alex Bowman.”

    8. A.J. Allmendinger: Allmendinger overcame early-lap trouble at Daytona and methodically picked his way to a sixth-place finish in the 500.

    “I think Netflix’s ‘NASCAR: Full Speed’ series gives fans a great look inside the lives of drivers,” Allmendinger said. “So they get to see that we say the ‘F’ word way more than we pretend not to.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott took Stage 1 and survived Lap 191’s “Big One” on his way to a 14th-place finish in the Daytona 500.

    “I think all my fans can agree,” Elliott said, “that my right foot is best on the floorboard as opposed to a snowboard.”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was a factor at Daytona until a huge Lap 191 accident KO’d his chances for a 500 win. He finished 30th.

    “I’m the defending Cup champion,” Blaney said. “That makes me the hunted, and not the hunter. It makes sense because my car was ‘shot’ after the race.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney passed Kyle Larson for second on lap 292 and held the position to claim the championship as Ross Chastain took the win at Phoenix. It is Blaney’s first Cup championship.

    “I’d like to dedicate this to my father Dave,” Blaney said. “He raced for so long and never was able to win a championship. Now, he can finally say those words he longed to: ‘I’m the father of a NASCAR Cup championship.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson was in position to win the championship late, but got loose and gave up second to Ryan Blaney, who went on to win the championship.

    “I was looking for championship No. 2,” Larson said. “And ‘No. 2’ is exactly how I feel about losing the championship.”

    3. William Byron: Byron started on the pole at Phoenix but didn’t have enough late to capture the championship and finished fourth.

    “Being on the pole means I had my choice of pit stalls,” Byron said. “I took the first stall, because, as you and NASCAR inspectors well know, I’m always looking for an edge.”

    4. Ross Chastain: Chastain ran strong all day at Phoenix and ran away with the win, his second victory of the year.

    “As meaningless wins go,” Chastain said, “this one’s right up there with all of my other Cup wins.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Phoenix.

    “There’s a fine line,” Hamlin said, “between saying, ‘I can’t wait until next year,’ and ‘Wait until next year.’”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started second and came home sixth Phoenix.

    “I really feel for my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Christopher Bell,” Truex said. “He had all of the JGR hopes resting on his shoulders. And he disappointed. Or, I guess I should say, ‘He’s disappointed.”

    7. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 22nd at Phoenix.

    “My No. 45 Toyota featured a Star Wars-themed paint scheme,” Reddick said. “It had an Imperial TIE Fighter on it. That being said, I don’t even think NASCAR fans give a flying ‘F’ about Star Wars.”

    8. Bubba Wallace: Wallace finished 10th at Phoenix, posting his 10th top-10 finish of the year.

    “I wasn’t eligible to win the championship,” Wallace said, “but it was great to have the playoff experience. I’m not sure I quite have what it takes to win a championship just yet, but if I need advice, I’ll ask one of my car owners, probably the one with championships.”

    9. Chris Buescher: Buescher won Stage 2 at Phoenix and finished fifth.

    “This was Kevin Harvick’s final drive,” Buescher said. “He’s on to the next stage of his life, the one you don’t get playoff points for winning. Kevin didn’t win the race. He probably could have, if someone hadn’t tied a bunch of empty Busch Light cans to his bumper.”

    10. Christopher Bell: Bell’s championship hopes ended early at Phoenix, when he hit the wall hard, ending his day on lap 109.

    “It was a mechanical issue,” Bell said. “What rhymes with ‘issue?’ ‘Tissue,’ because I’m bawling.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney passed Aric Almirola for the lead with 22 laps to go and pulled away to win the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville, winning his way into the Championship 4.

    “Luckily,” Blaney said, “I wasn’t DQ’ed. Actually, I was ‘Q’ed,’ because I ‘qualified’ for the Championship 4.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth at Martinsville.

    “It all comes down to Phoenix,” Larson said. “And the pressure is on. I think if any of the Championship 4 drivers say they’re not nervous, they’re lying. But let’s face it, there are some things you want in your stomach, and butterflies are one of them. There are things you don’t want in your stomach, like a Martinsville hot dog.”

    3. William Byron: Byron finished 13 in the Xfinity 500 and edged out hard-luck Denny Hamlin for the final playoff spot.

    “My fate really came down to the wire,” Byron said. “Preferably, I would have liked to have a win under my belt heading into Martinsville. That would have allowed me to ‘Sit back, relax, and enjoy the view.’ I think that might actually be the motto of Liberty University.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell finished seventh at Martinsville, and will join William Byron, Kyle Larson, and Ryan Blaney in the Championship 4.

    “I was ‘locked in’ before Martinsville,” Bell said. “Now, all but four drivers are ‘locked out’ of the Cup championship. I’m dialed in for Phoenix. And I can promise you, I won’t ‘phone it in’ at Phoenix.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Martinsville and finished third, but it wasn’t enough to advance to the championship round, as Hamlin finished eight points behind William Byron for the final playoff spot.

    “I really wanted another grandfather clock trophy,” Hamlin said. “I have quite a collection, but unfortunately, they all have a habit of striking midnight this time of year.”

    6. Tyler Reddick: Reddick came home 26th, two laps down, in the Xfinity 500.

    “My car was primarily sponsored by Monster Beast Unleashed Mean Green Seltzer,” Reddick said. “I’ve tried it, and let me tell you, it’s a mouthful.”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Martinsville, finished 12th and failed to qualify for the championship round.

    “I was the regular season champion,” Truex said. “And when I look back on this twenty years from now, I’m sure I’ll agree that it was, in fact, just a regular season.”

    8. Bubba Wallace: Wallace finished 11th at Martinsville.

    “I guess waiting for Denny Hamlin to win a Cup championship on the track,” Wallace said, “is akin to waiting for the Great Pumpkin in the pumpkin patch.”

    9. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home 14th at Martinsville.

    “Based on what I did at Martinsville in last year’s playoffs,” Chastain said, “I should be declared the winner here in perpetuity.”

    10. Chris Buescher: Buescher, needing a win to advance, finished eighth at Martinsville.

    “I made a last-ditch effort to make the Championship 4,” Buescher said. “And apparently, I ended up in the ditch.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Homestead.

    “Liberty University has been with me as a sponsor through a lot this season,” Byron said. “As Jerry Falwell, Jr. well knows, that includes the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and everything pool boy in between.”

    2. Christopher Bell: Bell led 26 laps and held off Ryan Blaney down the stretch to win the 4Ever 400 at Homestead and secure his spot in the Championship 4.

    “I’ve never been more excited for a ‘berth’ in my life,” Bell said. “And that will also be the case after I have children.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson overshot the pit entrance with 55 laps left and slammed into the sand barrels protecting the pit wall. He finished 34th.

    “I don’t think sand has been a factor in a NASCAR race,” Larson said, “since Daytona in 1958.”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 and finished second at Homestead.

    “My disqualification at Las Vegas was rescinded by NASCAR,” Blaney said. “Apparently, NASCAR discovered an issue with the tool used to measure damper lengths, though, there’s no issue with the tool used to measure the effectiveness of a bribe.”

    5. Tyler Reddick: Reddick led one lap and finished third at Homestead.

    “My car featured the McDonald’s/Hamburglar paint scheme,” Reddick said. “And my car was good enough to win. Talk about ‘fast food.’”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin slammed the wall in the final stage due to a steering issue and sustained damage that was too severe to allow him to continue. He finished 30th.

    “Sports Clips served as my primary sponsor at Homestead,” Hamlin said. “I think they should be with me at Martinsville because I have my work ‘cut’ out for me.”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Homestead and finished a disappointing 30th after engine trouble late in the race.

    “I’m devastated,” Truex said. “In light of what my engine did at Homestead, I’m reconsidering my own retirement.”

    8. Chris Buescher: Buescher finished 21st at Homestead.

    “Ryan Newman drove the No. 51 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Buescher said. “Even at 45 years of age, Newman still intimidates. Back in the day, he instilled fear in everyone on the track, especially his teammate.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 18th at Homestead.

    “I can’t win the championship,” Busch said, “but I can still try to pad my wins total. I’ve won in every form of racing I’ve tried, and that includes speeding away from the Mexican police.”

    10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 31st in the 4Ever 400.

    “I can’t wait to get to Martinsville,” Chastain said. “Last year, that’s the track where I left my mark. I think fans there can relate because after eating a Martinsville hot dog, you’ll also ‘leave your mark.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 and held off Christopher Bell down the stretch to win the South Point 400 at Las Vegas.

    “I am so thrilled,” Larson said, “that I want to shout my excitement over the airwaves. But I’ve been strongly advised against doing anything out over the airwaves.”

    2. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Las Vegas and is 11 points above the playoff cut line.

    “This championship may come down to two Hendrick Motorsports drivers,” Byron said. “And neither is named ‘Chase Elliott.’ I know saying that won’t win me any ‘most popular’ contests, but I’ll vote for that.”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell finished second at Las Vegas, as he was unable to get by Kyle Larson in the closing laps.

    “I was so close,” Bell said. “But Larson made all the right moves to keep me at bay. But I have to forget it and move forward. Like Larson, I’m going to ‘block’ this out of my mind.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished ninth in the South Point 400.

    “It’s ‘crunch time,’” Hamlin said. “In most cases, ‘crunch time’ means Ross Chastain is somewhere in your vicinity. Not in this case.”

    5. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished seventh at Las Vegas, one of four Toyotas in the top 10.

    “When you’re driving a car co-owned by Michael Jordan,” Reddick said, “it feels like the greatest basketball player is in the car with you. In Las Vegas, it feels like the greatest basketball player is in the car with you, and there’s a lot of money riding not with you, but on you.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eight at Las Vegas.

    “I feel like I regained my mojo,” Truex said. “When you can do that without the aid of some gas station bathroom snake oil tincture, then you have truly regained it.”

    7. Chris Buescher: Buescher finished 10th in the South Point 400.

    “Thanks to Ryan Blaney’s disqualification,” Buescher said, “I’m not bringing up the ‘South Point’ of the championship standings.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third in the South Point 400.

    “My car featured the Morgan & Morgan Law Firm as primary sponsor,” Busch said. “They are a personal injury law firm, but if you need them to pull some strings to keep you out of a Mexican prison, then they can do that too. But only if your name is Kyle Busch.”

    9. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished fifth at Las Vegas.

    “Too little,” Chastain said, “too late. I’m out of the championship hunt, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have another ‘Martinsville Moment’ and keep Denny Hamlin out of the championship round. To me, that’s like winning the Cup championship.”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth at Las Vegas, but was later disqualified after failing post-race inspection.

    “This really puts a dent in my championship hopes,” Blaney said. “Actually, it puts a dent, four flat tires, and an engine failure in my championship hopes.”