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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 30 laps at Michigan and finished fifth, earning his series-best eighth top-5 result of the year. Edwards boosted his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now leads second-place Kevin Harvick by 20.

    “How does it feel to lead with nine laps to go and not win the race?” Edwards asked. “It’s the pits. My No. 99 Roush Fenway Ford was adorned with the Aflac ‘Now Hiring’ paint scheme, which hopefully served as a not-too-subtle hint to my crew members of the fleetingness of employment.”

    Now, as a driver for Roush Fenway, baseball and racing go together like Joe Gibbs Racing and cheating. From personal experience, I know an illegal oil can part when I see one. ‘Oil Can’ Boyd once roamed Fenway Park. ‘Oil Can Ployed’ makes its home at JGR.”

    2. Kyle Busch: An eventful week for Busch ended on Sunday with a solid third-place finish in the Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips 400 at Michigan. Busch’s probation ended last Tuesday, then the Joe Gibbs Racing fleet was ordered by NASCAR to change oil pans on Friday. On Sunday, Busch fought an indigestion problem before crew chief Dave Rogers rectified it with Tums and water. Busch improved one spot in the point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 29.

    “Take it from me,” Busch said. “It’s not always a bad thing to run out of gas.”

    “My No. 18 hauler was parked beside Kevin Harvick’s No. 29 hauler. That was risky, because even our haulers are feuding. I’m guessing NASCAR thinks a parking lot is the only place these two teams can get ‘along.’ But seriously, it looks as though NASCAR is sending us mixed signals. It appears probation was NASCAR’s way of saying ‘no more.’ This must be their method of asking for ‘more.’ I rate NASCAR’s disciplinary methods an ‘A’ for ‘ambiguity.’ Let me say, though, there was a lot of glaring going on between the two teams. I believe that’s the first time Harvick and I have seen eye to eye.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 14th at Michigan, struggling with handling issues and surviving  in the Heluva Good! 400. However, due to subpar days from Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Harvick vaulted two places in the point standings to second, and now trails Carl Edwards by 20 points.

    “See,” Harvick said, “I can revel in the misery of someone besides Kyle Busch. And I will continue to pester Busch without end. You would never hear me complain of heartburn. I’ve got a foolproof immunity to heartburn. It’s called being heartless.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 21st at Michigan, seeing a possible top-10 result fall to the wayside when his No. 88 Amp Energy Chevrolet was pinched into the wall on lap 191 when Mark Martin got loose and slid up the track. The contact caused a tire rub that ended Earnhardt’s charge to the front. He remained third in the point standings, 27 out of first.

    “It’s hard to stay mad at Mark,” Earnhardt said. “That’s why my crew and I held a ‘re-tire-ment’ party in the pits shortly after he sent me into the wall. At Mark’s last retirement party, I asked him to ‘stay in touch.’ Apparently, he took that a bit too literally. Now, unfortunately, he has to deal with the wrath of Junior Nation. The first rule of Junior Nation is: ‘If you ‘turn against’ the No. 88, regardless of circumstances, Junior Nation will ‘turn against’ you.”

    Despite it all, I still expect Mark and I to remain professional and work together. We’ve got lots of information to share. Mark’s finished second in the Sprint Cup rankings four times, so he’s got a wealth of advice to share about ‘not winning.’”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: An early spin on lap 8 foreshadowed a tough day for the No. 48 Lowe’s team at Michigan. A broken sway bar was found to be the culprit, and Johnson fell down two laps quickly after racing without the necessary equipment. A scarcity of yellow flags left the team with little opportunity for repairs, and Johnson finished 27th, one lap down. He tumbled three spots in the point standings to fifth, and trails Carl Edwards by 29.

    “As the five-time Sprint Cup champion,” Johnson said, “I normally advocate the ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ philosophy. Not in this case. A broken sway bar sent me for a loop. And even the sport’s most notorious ‘spin’ doctor, Chad Knaus, couldn’t put it back together. Chad’s and the No. 48 strategists often have cram sessions to find ways to skirt NASCAR’s nebulous rules. We call those meetings ‘unapproved part-ies.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth chased Denny Hamlin down the stretch at Michigan, but came up short after a last-gasp effort in the final turn. Kenseth spun his tires on the final restart, but got a boost from Roush Fenway teammate Carl Edwards, but pushed him to clean air. He got close to Hamlin, but lost by .281 seconds. Kenseth improved one spot to sixth in the point standings, and trails Edwards by 41.

    “Kudos to NASCAR officials,” Kenseth said. “They did something that I couldn’t—‘catch’ Hamlin. I now know why the Joe Gibbs cars had to go back to their old oil pans—because the new ones were ‘busted.’ In any case, Hamlin applauded me for my efforts with the same words NASCAR uttered to the Gibbs team—‘nice try.’”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won the race out of the pits during the final caution at Michigan, and repelled the advances of Matt Kenseth over the final laps. Hamlin’s narrow victory was his first of the season, and quite fulfilling in the wake of recent strong runs in which victory eluded him. He jumped three places in the point standings to ninth, and is 77 out of first.

    “Due to my slow start this season,” Hamlin said, “many people had written me off as a championship contender. To them, I say the same thing I told NASCAR inspectors last Friday: ‘It was an honest mistake.’ NASCAR’s fined the three JGR crew chiefs $50,000. That’s chump change, and not nearly enough to cause the ‘Great Oil Pan-ic of 2011.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th at Michigan after earning his third consecutive pole, just missing his fourth-straight top-10 result. He improved one spot in the point standings to seventh, and is now 41 out of first.

    “Even with an 11th-place finish,” Busch said, “I’m still not happy. I’m a habitual complainer. My crew chief Steve Addington will vouch for that. Tums may shut my brother Kyle up, but there’s not a product made that will stop my whining.”

    Despite my qualifying efforts, I’m still winless on the year. That, as well as my reputation as the most-punched driver in NASCAR, indicates that I’m unable to finish what I ‘started.’”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished sixth in the Heleva Good! Sour Cream Dips 400, posting his seventh top-10 finish of the year. Newman is now eighth in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 76.

    “Amid all the fighting, probations, and unapproved car parts,” Newman said, “I’ve quietly ascended to No. 8 in the point standings. Just like my fine for punching a fellow driver, you could say I’m flying under the radar.”

    10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon was running seventh when Dale Earnhardt, Jr. hit the wall, bringing out the race’s final caution at Michigan. Gordon opted for four tires, which set him back to 15th for the restart. He lost two positions in the remaining five laps and finished 17th.

    “Obviously, two tires was the right call,” Gordon said. “We just made the ‘right’ call twice. And, as the saying goes, two ‘rights’ make a wrong.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards dropped a valve 58 laps in to the 5-Hour Energy 500, ending the day early for the No. 99 Kellogg’s/Cheez-It Ford. He finished 37th, by far his worst finish of the year, but remained in front of the  point standings lead, six ahead of Jimmie Johnson.

    “I started with eight cylinders,” Edwards said. “Then there were seven. And that led to six, points, that is, in my lead in the Sprint Cup standings. And look who’s behind me. Jimmie Johnson, winner of five Cup championships. He finished fourth on Sunday. I was running third when my valve broke. Johnson is at number two in the standings. I guess that makes him the one to beat.

    “You may have seen me in the TNT booth after my engine blew, and it’s clear I’m a natural at broadcasting. Whether behind the wheel or in front of a monitor, I’ve got no problem with ‘exposure,’ which is obviously the case when I’m ‘showing my parts’ on national television.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished a strong fourth at Pocono, posting his fourth top-5 result of the year and taking a chunk out of Carl Edwards points lead. Johnson entered the race 40 behind Edwards; he now trails by only six as the series heads to Michigan.

    “As NASCAR’s five time defending champion,” Johnson said, “and arguably the sport’s best driver, I often wonder if I can get any bigger. Well, the answer is ‘yes,’ in Edwards’ rear-view mirror.

    “I like my position. I’ve got a rival blowing an engine, and rival’s car owner blowing a gasket. Heck, when the Sprint Cup points leader is in the broadcast booth yucking it up with the TNT crew during the race, I can only consider that a good thing for me and every other driver trailing him. Edwards is a ‘show off.’ He put on a ‘show’ off the track. While it may be good for his broadcast aspirations, as a contender for the Cup, he’s all ‘talk.’”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt scored his fourth-straight top-10 finish of the year, posting a sixth in the 5-Hour Energy 500 at Pocono, rounding out a trifecta of Hendrick Motorsports cars in the top 10. Jeff Gordon took first, while Jimmie Johnson finished fourth. Earnhardt improved one spot in the point standings to third, and trails Carl Edwards by 10.

    “Had the No. 88 Amp Energy Chevrolet won the 5-Hour Energy 500,” Earnhardt said, “there would have been a huge conflict of interest in victory lane. Amp Energy Drink is the industry leader among energy drinks. They play second to no one. I wish I could say the same.

    “If we keep running this consistently, the wins will come. 107 races is a long spell to go without a victory, and if I fail to win at Michigan, I’ll then be fighting a three-year victory drought. That’s when Junior Nation becomes ‘Junior Stag-Nation.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick toyed early with RCR nemesis Kyle Busch, drawing a warning from NASCAR, but otherwise took care of business at Pocono, finishing fifth. Harvick held on the fourth in the point standings, and now trails Carl Edwards, who finished 37th, by 11.

    “I did indeed try to force Busch down the track on the long straightaway,” Harvick admitted. “I figured Kyle needed a good ‘straight left’ after Richard Childress delivered a ‘straight right’ last week. Of course, Kyle did nothing about it. We’ve all heard of Morgan Freeman ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ around Atlanta. Now you’ve heard of Kevin Harvick ‘Driving Mr. Pansy’ down the track.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third at Pocono, following big brother Kurt, who finished second, across the finish line. But that was where the good news ended. Kyle Busch’s No. 18 M&M Toyota failed a post-race inspection, which found his front end too low. NASCAR penalized Busch six championship driver points, while Joe Gibbs lost six owner points, and crew chief Dave Rogers was fined $25,000.

    “That’s just great,” Busch said. “One week, I’m decked by Richard Childress. The next, I’m docked by NASCAR. It appears I got ‘served’ by both. According to NASCAR, the left front of the vehicle was 1/16 inch too low, which is outside the tolerance. I’m not surprised, because I’m rarely inside anyone’s tolerance.

    “Harvick certainly puts the ‘ass’ in ‘harass.’ He just doesn’t know when to stop. He certainly doesn’t need to fight Richard Childress’ fights for him. Childress can take care of himself just as well as he took care of me. But I have to thank Harvick for teaching me a valuable lesson—that I’m the bigger man.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch won his second straight pole, topping the charts in Saturday qualifying for the 5-Hour Energy 500. Busch led 37 laps on Sunday, but couldn’t get near Jeff Gordon’s No. 24 down the stretch, and settled for the runner-up spot, his best finish of the year.

    “It would have been more fitting,” Busch said, “had Kyle finished second and I finished third. That way, I could have said, for once, that I had Kyle’s back.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home eighth at Pocono, earning his seventh top-10 of the year and fourth in the last five races. He remained seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 44.

    “Don’t let Carl Edwards’ broadcast persona fool you,” Kenseth said. “Television-friendly is where the friendly stops.

    “As you may know, my car was sponsored in part this week by Affliction Clothing, apparel favored by several mixed martial arts fighters and those who emulate them. It’s quite on odd pairing, since I probably rank somewhere between Kyle Busch and a sleeping kitten on the toughness scale. Affliction and I have a unique relationship unlike any other between a sponsor and driver: I’m forbidden to wear the product.”

    8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took charge over the final 50 laps at Pocono, pulling away for his second win this year and 84th career triumph, which tied him with Darrell Waltrip and Bobby Allison for third on the all-time list. Gordon jumped two spots in the point standings to 11th, 81 out of first.

    “With the new wildcard berths,” Gordon said, “two wins all but guarantees a spot in the Chase For The Cup. Let this be a warning to everyone: I think this win is a clear indication that a fifth Sprint Cup is not out of the question. That may not have been the case in 2010. Last year, when I vowed to ‘go for 5,’ many assumed I was declaring my allegiance to Jimmie Johnson’s quest for his fifth Cup title.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 76 of the first 101 laps in the 5-Hour Energy 500, but a flat tire on lap 161 ended his dominance and left him scrambling to make up ground over the final 39 laps. He remained on the lead lap and finished 19th, ending a run of three straight top 10’s. Hamlin dropped one spot in the point standings to 12th, 84 out of first.

    “The No. 11 Fed Ex Ground Toyota had the field covered,” Hamlin said, “until the flat tire ruined my day. But that didn’t stop me from quoting emerging color commentary personality Carl Edwards when I said to my crew, ‘It’s air time!’

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer, who won The Prelude To The Dream last Wednesday, finished 16th at Pocono, struggling with handling on the two-mile tri-oval. Bowyer did, however, improve one spot to eighth in the point standings, and now is 73 out of first.

    “My name may be ‘Clint,’” Bowyer said, “but I am by no means ‘The Enforcer.’ That would be Kevin Harvick, who, like our boss Richard Childress, takes matters into his own hands. Harvick has an uncanny ability to get into any driver’s head. According to Kevin, it’s particularly easy to get into Kyle Busch’s head, because there’s so much room.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his series-best tenth top-10 result of the year, placing fifth in the STP 400 at Kansas. He increased his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now leads Jimmie Johnson by 40.

    “As temperatures rose,” Edwards said, “the track conditions changed, and we weren’t able to stay on top of those. But, I’ll never complain about finishing fifth, unless it’s in a fight between me, the two Busch brothers, and two girls.

    “I consider myself an expert on physical confrontations. But never in a thousand years could I have foreseen a car owner assaulting a driver. Normally, Richard Childress is very calm and level-headed. I’m not sure how that team will respond without the brains of the operation. It seems that RCR has lost its ‘mind.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 11th at Kansas, Richard Childress Racing’s top finisher, just missing his eighth top-10 finish of the year. Harvick fell two spots in the point standings to fourth, and now trails Carl Edwards by 43.

    “Like a lot of cars,” Harvick said, “we had handling issues. That’s quite different than the problem Kyle Busch experienced. That was a case of man-handling issues. Richard Childress kicked it old school. And by ‘it,’ I mean Busch’s tail.

    “RCR, drivers and owners alike, have declared war on Kyle Busch. It’s a team effort. I got inside Busch’s head; Richard Childress went upside it.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished second at Kansas, coming up short in a fuel-mileage race for the second straight week. This time, though, Earnhardt’s No. 88 Amp Chevy had the fuel to finish, but so did race winner Brad Keselowski, who held off Earnhardt over the final nine laps. Earnhardt moved up one spot in the point standings to third, trailing Carl Edwards by 41.

    “Keselowski made the most of his last stop for fuel,” Earnhardt said. “I knew we had the gas to finish, so all I could do while trailing the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge was hope for ‘less filling.’ Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. I’m tempted to say ‘You win some, you lose some,’ but only half of that statement would be true.

    “To my fans, I can only say ‘Hang it there.’ Junior Nation is experiencing pain at the pump. I strongly advise them to have a taste of a hot new product, Amp Energy Shot, fortified with a blast of penicillin. Hey, you know what they say: ‘What happens in the infield stays, period.’ In the meantime, we’ll keep working hard to unlock the secret to winning, as well as the secret to determining the No. 88 car’s exact mileage.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started 31st at Kansas and battled a loose race car for much of the race on Kansas Speedway’s slick surface. Timely adjustments enabled Johnson to battle near the front late in the race, but a late pit stop for fuel set him back before he charged to a finish of seventh. He moved up one spot in the point standings to second and trails Carl Edwards by 40.

    “We had the car to win,” Johnson said, “but gas mileage bit us in the end. This week, we lost time because we had to top off the fuel tank. Last week in Charlotte, we lost time because we ‘topped off’ the car with an adjustment wrench.

    “I’m appalled by the Richard Childress-Kyle Busch fiasco. And I think any other driver would feel the same if Chad Knaus attacked a rival driver. Was it a case of ‘butt heads’ or ‘buttheads?’ This kind of thing is certainly not what NASCAR needs, unless they want people to watch. Incidentally, Jerry Springer would make a great Grand Marshall.”

    5. Kyle Busch: A day after a heated altercation with Richard Childress, Busch finished 12th in the STP 400 on Sunday. Busch remained fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings and trails Carl Edwards by 60.

    “What did NASCAR almost say to Childress after he slugged me on Saturday?” Busch said. “’You’re not in Kansas anymore.’ Alas, Childress was allowed to hang around at the track, where he faced a slightly more enjoyable form of assault: being ‘slapped’ on the back in congratulations.

    “Realistically, I should be first in the point standings, because everybody is after me. Childress’ aggression put me in a no-win situation, which happens to always be the situation when a Busch brother fights. If I fight back, I’ll be accused of beating up a senior citizen. If I don’t fight back, I’m a wimp. I either save face or lose face. That’s why, when faced with a physical confrontations, I always do an about face, and turn the other cheek.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch started from the pole and led 152 of 267 laps, but had to settle for a ninth-place finish after surrendering the lead to pit for fuel with ten laps to go. It was Busch’s second-straight top-10 finish, and he maintained sixth in the point standings, 71 out of first.

    “With better fuel mileage,” Busch said, “we could have won the race. I think it’s easy for people to listen to my radio communication and tell how the race is going. In Kansas, the further my fuel gauge strayed from ‘F,’ the closer my language veered to ‘F.’

    “I think Richard Childress should have shown a little more restraint. I know that’s hard when dealing with a Busch brother, but Childress should look to Roger Penske for inspiration. Roger’s wanted to punch me for years now, but hasn’t.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished sixth at Kansas, earning his sixth top-10 result of the season. He held on to the seventh spot in the Sprint Cup point standings and trails Carl Edwards by 73.

    “If you asked fans to recall their favorite articles involving drivers being bullied,” Kenseth said, “you can be sure my name would appear in a number of the ‘submissions.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin posted his fourth-straight top-10 finish, and fifth in the last six races, with a third in the STP 400 at Kansas. He improved one place in the point standings to 11th, 104 out of first, as he continues his gradual climb in the points after a dismal start to the season.

    “I dug myself a hole with my early-season performance,” Hamlin said. “But I can’t beat myself up over that. And I sure won’t let Richard Childress do it either. Look at that. I just took a ‘jab’ at Kyle Busch. But who hasn’t?

    “Anyway, despite my slow start to the season, I would be a coward if I didn’t choose to fight back. Another jab at Kyle Busch. Kyle’s usually got an answer for everything, except punches.”

    9. Tony Stewart: Stewart led twice for 20 laps at Kansas, and was in contention for the win before a late stop for fuel relegated him to an eighth-place finish. The No. 14 Office Depot/Mobil 1 team had trouble filling the tank during a pit stop on lap 212, which necessitated an additional stop. Stewart improved one spot in the point standings to eighth, and now trails Carl Edwards by 92.

    “By golly,” Stewart said, “I’m a NASCAR driver. I expect ‘full’ service when I bring my car to the pits.

    “As for the Richard Childress-Kyle Busch incident, I warned years ago that NASCAR was descending into a WWE-like atmosphere. It looks like it’s come full circle. We’ve got back flips, championship belts, and owners involved in fights. Vince McMahon would be proud. What’s next? Overpriced pay-per-view offerings for events few people care about?”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 18th in the STP 400, one lap down to the leaders after a race filled with handling issues. More notably, Bowyer won Saturday’s Camping World Truck series O’Reilly Auto Parts 250, a win that was soon overshadowed by the confrontation between Richard Childress and Kyle Busch.

    “NASCAR came down hard on Richard Childress,” Bowyer said. “He’s on probation until the end of the year, and he was fined $150,000. You can either call him ‘$150,000 Richard’ or ‘$150,000 Poorer.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards, who won the All Star race last week, led 61 laps in the Coca-Cola 600, but late handling problems prevented any chance of a Charlotte sweep. Edwards finished 16th, only his third result out of the top 10 this year, and holds a 36 point lead over Kevin Harvick in the point standings.

    “I led 61 of the first 75 laps,” Edwards said, “but I couldn’t finish what I started. That’s opposed to the All Star race, when I finished what I started with, which was an un-wrecked race car. This may be the first time a NASCAR driver has been credited with a ‘ground out.’ Who knew there were speed bumps in the Charlotte infield? Luckily, Charlotte doesn’t have a divot-replacement policy.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick swept past Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in Turn 4 after the No. 88 National Guard Chevy ran out of gas, giving Harvick an unlikely win in the Coca-Cola 600, his third win of the year. Harvick jumped three places in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now trails Carl Edwards by 36 points.

    “Whether driving the Budweiser car or drinking a cold can of Bud,” Harvick said, “it’s always nice to see a ‘coaster.’

    “Now, Sunday wasn’t a good day for the letters ‘J’ and ‘R.’ First, rookie J.R. Hildebrand crashes on the final turn at Indy and loses the Indianapolis 500. Then, Dale Jr. runs out of gas on the final lap at Charlotte. And both were driving cars sponsored by the National Guard. Now that’s a conspiracy!”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch spun twice at Charlotte, once through the grassy infield on lap 318, then again on lap 343, and the cumulative effect of those mishaps ended his day early. Busch finished 32nd, 55 laps down, and dropped two spots in the point standings to fifth.

    “Sunday’s was certainly no joyride,” Busch said. “And speaking of ‘joyrides,’ how is an early finish at Charlotte like a run in with the Iredell County Sheriff’s department? In each case, someone tells you to ‘pull over.’ This is definitely not an incident in which I can plead innocence.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s engine blew on lap 395, sending him to the garage early with his first DNF of the year. He was credited with a 28th-place finish, and dropped one place in the point standings to third, 37 behind Carl Edwards.

    “It’s certainly disappointing to post our first DNF of the year,” Johnson said. “Of course, that disappointment is offset by the satisfaction of knowing we haven’t recorded a single ‘DNFF’ in five years. That’s a ‘did not finish first.’

    “Clearly, we weren’t at our best. It’s never a good sign when you leave the pits with a wrench on the car. I call that a ‘mistake;’ Chad Knaus calls it a sneaky attempt at a little extra downforce. In any case, we can’t afford to leave wrenches lying unattended. I suspect we’ll need all the tools we have, because I foresee a need to ‘tighten screws’ on this team.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt took the lead on lap 399 when Greg Biffle pitted for fuel, and with the finish line in sight two laps later, victory, as well as an end to Junior’s 104-race winless streak, appeared to be at hand. But alas, Earnhardt’s No. 88 Chevrolet sputtered and slowed two corners from the end. Kevin Harvick passed Earnhardt for the win, and Earnhardt settled for a disappointing, yet solid seventh-place.

    “As my fuel tank emptied,” Earnhardt said, “so did the hopes of Junior Nation. That’s the first time I can remember ‘E’ getting booed. Usually, I’m accustomed to getting good mileage, at least out of the ‘Earnhardt’ name. But this time, my gas tank let me down. Apparently, my fuel gauge, like me, is subject to unreasonable expectations.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth boasted the car to beat at Charlotte, leading 103 of 402 laps, but a pit stop for fuel on lap 393 relegated him to a finish of 14th. He fell one spot to seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 71.

    “A lot of drivers,” Kenseth said, “Dale Earnhardt, Jr. included, ‘stopped for gas’ on Sunday. We just happened to do it in the pits. Gas mileage is a very unpredictable aspect of NASCAR racing, but not nearly as unpredictable as NASCAR’s reasoning behind whether or not to throw a caution flag. Personally, I can understand NASCAR’s reasoning for waving a caution just for a beverage can. Clearly, NASCAR spotters, like everyone else, were watching the race on Charlotte’s gigantic high-definition screen, which makes a can look like 40-gallon barrel. Of course, not throwing a caution with two laps to go and Earnhardt leading was equally controversial. NASCAR doesn’t need a big screen to make that call, because Junior is already larger than life.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 15th in the Coca-Cola 600 as Richard Childress Racing teammate Kevin Harvick took the win in dramatic fashion. Bowyer improved one spot in the point standings to eighth, 80 out of first.

    “I’ve got to hand it to Harvick,” Bowyer said. “He’s one lucky S.O.B. Some say he’s more lucky than good. Others say he’s more S.O.B. than lucky. Kevin once famously claimed that Jimmie Johnson had a horseshoe up his rear end. That obviously is no longer true. I think I speak for many drivers when I say to Kevin, ‘Up yours.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin ran out of fuel just before the finish at Charlotte, seeing a top-5 finish turn into a 10th-place result. Hamlin improved one place in the point standings to 12th, and trails Carl Edwards by 106.

    “As you know,” Hamlin said. “Kyle Busch got busted for speeding last week, doing 128 miles per hour in a 45-mph zone. He was cited by the Iredell County Sheriff’s department for speeding and careless and reckless driving. Interestingly enough, Kyle wasn’t the only one who was ‘booking.’ The officer who made the stop said Kyle had proper identification and was cooperative. Only one thing amazes me more than a person going three times the speed limit, and that is the fact that Kyle Busch, apparently, can be cooperative.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch gambled on fuel, choosing to stay out late while most cars pitted, and hoping a win or a top-10 finish would be the reward. Busch didn’t win, but his fourth at Charlotte was his best result of the year and ended a string of four finishes outside the top 10. He climbed two places in the point standings to sixth, and trails Carl Edwards by 68.

    “This is becoming a weekly habit,” Busch said, “but I’d like to apologize to those who were listening to the No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil radio frequency. I said a word that shocked even myself—it was called a ‘compliment.’ Steve Addington made an astute call to fill the tank on lap 345. For that, Steve wins the Kurt Busch ‘Bleeping Bleeper Of The Week’ Award.

    “Let’s not overly condemn my brother Kyle for driving like a maniac on a public road. Lest we forget, this sport was built on moonshiners driving like maniacs with car-loads of white lightning. Just think. If some overzealous sheriff had stopped some mostly-innocent moonshiner for speeding 60 years ago, the course of history could have been changed forever, and this sport would likely be without alcohol sponsorship. We all owe Kyle our gratitude for reminding us where and why this sport started. Besides, Kyle was profiled by the cops. I can relate. The last time I was ‘profiled,’ I had my plastic surgeon take a little off the sides.”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart was poised for a top-10 finish with a little over 20 laps remaining in the Coca-Cola 600, but engine trouble, and a near miss of Jeff Burton’s spinning car, sent Stewart home with a 17th-place result. Stewart improved one spot in the point standings to ninth, 89 out of first.

    “It’s not a NASCAR race unless there’s an accompanying conspiracy,” Stewart said. “To wave or not to wave the caution flag. Let me be blunt: there is no conspiracy. Why? Because a conspiracy would actually logically explain NASCAR’s actions. There can be no conspiracy, because there is no rhyme or reason to NASCAR’s action where cautions and debris are concerned.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his fifth straight top-10 finish, and ninth of the year, with a seventh in the Fed Ex 400 at Dover. Edwards led 117 laps, and like Jimmie Johnson, who led 207, took four tires instead of two on the race’s final pit stop, which cost him a chance for the win. Edwards leads the Sprint Cup point standings with a 24-point edge over Jimmie Johnson.

    “It appears we were outsmarted by Matt Kenseth,” Edwards said. “Two tires was the right call. I’ve made some regrettable decisions during my career, most involving the Keselowski’s, Kevin Harvick, or the lids to oil coolers, but this one really pains me. Bob Osbourne yelled ‘Four!’ and the No. 99 Aflac Ford ‘ducked,’ out of contention.

    “In most cases, Matt’s not known for his bravery, but I have to commend him for such a ‘courageous’ call. I honestly thought with four tires we could catch him. It most cases, when Matt has seen me coming, he’s ran away. This time was no different, except that he ran away, with victory.”

    2. Kyle Busch: A week after his near throwdown with Kevin Harvick at Darlington, Busch registered a solid fourth at Dover despite an engine change that rendered him at the rear for the start. With his seventh top 10 of the year, Busch maintained the third spot in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 37.

    “I can’t let a disciplinary ruling from NASCAR get me down,” Busch said. “I went from ‘probation’ to ‘ovation.’ Frankly, I like it better when anyone but Kevin Harvick is giving me ‘a hand.’

    “Now, Unlike Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota engines, there’s no ‘quit’ in me. Thankfully, the new engine lasted. It was the ‘little engine that could.’ As for the Gibbs engine department, it’s a case of ‘so little engines that can.’”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started on the pole at Dover and led the most laps, 207, but his decision to take four tires on the final pit stop proved costly, as several drivers, including eventual winner Matt Kenseth, chose two. Johnson restarted 11th, and could only regain two spots and finished ninth. He remained second in the points, 24 behind Carl Edwards.

    “Now that’s what I call ‘championship caliber,’” Johnson said, “but only in that we were right on target in shooting ourselves in the foot.

    “Last week, Chad Knaus called Juan Montoya a ‘douchebag.’ Oh how the tables have turned. This time, however, it looks like Chad’s the douchebag, for calling for four tires instead of two. In short, it’s a case of ‘touché, douché.’

    “As expected, after last week’s Kyle Busch-Kevin Harvick fiasco, nothing interesting happened at Dover. It went from ‘boor-dom’ to ‘boredom.’”

    4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth opted for two tires on the final pit stop at Dover and led the final 39 laps to win the Fed Ex 400, his second win of the year. On the crucial pit stop, Kenseth overruled crew chief Jimmy Fennig, who wanted four tires, and outsmarted Jimmie Johnson and Carl Edwards, who had shared domination of the race to that point.

    “Not to toot my own horn,” Kenseth said, “but that was a gutsy call on my part. People can question my fortitude all they want, but I proved that it takes a ‘pair’ to take ‘two’ in that situation. That’s why I told Fennig to ‘Take two, and call me ‘champ’ in the morning.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Dover, posting his sixth top 10 of the year. He remained fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 54.

    “Congratulations to Matt Kenseth on the win,” Harvick said. “Matt is well-liked among other drivers. Ironically, he, like Kyle Busch, deserves everything coming to him.

    “NASCAR has ordered me to stay in my car. In other words, I should keep my HANS to myself. As such, I’ve come to appreciate the art of ‘restraint,’ at least until June 15th. I call that date the ‘Ides Of June.’ And Busch should heed the warning to beware the Ides of June. Why is it called the ‘ides?’ Because, if I were Busch, I’d watch my back, and I’d expect some payback,’ and I’d be on the lookout for the Budweiser car.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt led one lap at Dover, piloting the No. 88 Amp Energy Sugar Free/National Guard Chevy to a 12th-place finish. His winless streak now sits at 104 races, and Earnhardt admitted that he doesn’t feel a win is close.

    “It took 104 races,” Earnhardt said, “but finally, I’m able to admit defeat.

    “As of now, I’m not eligible to compete in the All Star Race at Charlotte on May 21st since I haven’t won. But even if I don’t win the Sprint Showdown, I fully expect the fans to vote me in. So, I’m appealing to my fans to vote for me, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. I call that ‘cAMPaigning.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer held the lead when Juan Montoya’s spin brought out the race’s last caution on lap 361, and the No. 33 team’s decision to bolt on four tires seemed to be the right call. But Matt Kenseth took only two and left the pits in second, and soon overtook Mark Martin for the lead. Bowyer settled for sixth, his sixth top-10 finish of the year, and is now ninth in the point standings, 80 out of first.

    “I was beyond stunned,” Bowyer said, “that a Montoya spin could involve only him. Of course, I was also shocked that a four-tire stop was not the correct call. Sure, we were wise to put on right-side tires. That is, until we put on the ‘wrong-side’ tires.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 21st at Dover, two laps down, after struggling with handling issues on a miserable day at the Monster Mile for Stewart Haas Racing. Newman fell one spot in the point standings to seventh, and is now 76 out of first.

    “Only one thing went ‘right’ for us at Dover,” Newman said, “and that was Juan Montoya’s No. 42 car, into the wall. That’s two weeks in a row in which someone’s said of Montoya, ‘I bet that left a mark.’ Take it from me. There’s a party-like atmosphere in the NASCAR hauler. Ask Juan. He’ll tell you they even serve ‘punch.’”

    9. Mark Martin: While most of the field pitted for tires during Sunday’s final caution, Martin chose to stay out, and that decision gave him the runner-up spot in the Fed Ex 400 at Dover. It was Martin’s best finish of the year and vaulted him three places in the point standings to 11th, 92 out of first.

    “How’s that for irony?” Martin said. “Everyone ‘re-tired,’ except me. For once in my life, the decision was easy to ‘stay out.’”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 16th at Dover after battling handling conditions all day, unable to keep his short streak of top-10’s alive. However, he vaulted three places in the Sprint Cup point standings to 13th, 112 out of first.

    “I envy Kyle Busch,” Hamlin said. “He’s only got four weeks of probation. I’ve already suffered through a year’s worth of stagnation.

    “I’ve been quite entertained by the Busch-Harvick feud. Over the years, I’ve had my disagreements with both of them. Luckily, NASCAR acted quickly and thereby prevented one or both from acting rashly and hurting someone. I think Kyle and Kevin are safe from harm anyway, because both their cars are equipped with drivers-side windbags.”

  • NASCAR Wisely Leaves ‘Payback’ To Drivers

    NASCAR Wisely Leaves ‘Payback’ To Drivers

    After a weekend of confrontations at Darlington, NASCAR handed out punishment on Tuesday, with Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick each receiving four weeks probation and a $25,000 fine. Ryan Newman and Juan Montoya were given a “final warning” for their ongoing feud that allegedly led to Newman punching Montoya at Darlington. Did NASCAR wimp out with its disciplinary actions?

    What’s the greatest thing about NASCAR when it comes to discipline? No one listens to them. That doesn’t make them wimps. It makes them brilliant marketing strategists. What’s four weeks probation to Busch and Harvick? Four weeks to plot their next moves, four weeks to belittle their rival with vague and veiled insults, and four weeks to closely test the boundaries of NASCAR’s “probationary” period. Probation? To fans, that means NASCAR will be watching. Not surprisingly, to NASCAR, that means fans will be watching. And the $25,000? Harvick would say that’s “chicken” scratch to Busch, and he’d be right. Busch, for his part, would say that $25,000 is the price Harvick had to pay for “window shopping” at the No. 18 Toyota.

    But who’s complaining about the lack of severity of NASCAR sanctions? Apparently, only people who want NASCAR’s punishment of drivers to actually discourage behavior like Busch’s and Harvick’s. That would be discouraging, to fans. NASCAR’s not stupid. They only look stupid. And they know it. Appearances can be deceiving, and NASCAR wants only to appear to discourage such driver behavior with their brand of punishment. NASCAR puts the “pun” in punishment.

    What’s the purpose of a minimal fine and simple probation? For NASCAR, it’s their version of discipline with maximum effect (in their eyes) and minimal impact. It’s the equivalent of asking drivers to wear “promise rings.” NASCAR’s punishment says to drivers “Don’t let it happen again, but if it does, please make sure you make it look like a ‘racing incident.’”

    NASCAR knows just as well as everyone else that their rendered judgments are often, if not always, deemed not severe enough. Sure, they are carefully considered, but in most cases, the punishment does not fit the crime. For that, NASCAR should be applauded. The last thing NASCAR wants is to bar a driver bent on retaliation off the track. NASCAR doesn’t want to play the bad guy. No, they want the bad guy on the track, plotting his next mildly punishable action. It would take a truly heinous on-the-track act for NASCAR to suspend a driver. In the realm of NASCAR discipline, it’s not “My way or the highway.” It’s “My way and the speedway.”

    In case you missed it, Busch and Harvick’s shenanigans overshadowed Regan Smith’s first career Sprint Cup, and then some. And that begs the question, if a winning driver does victory burnouts and no one is watching, does it make any smoke? Let’s thank the good lord it wasn’t a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. win that was overshadowed. Otherwise, there would have been fans trying to punch Busch and Harvick for the very

    [media-credit name=”David Yeazell” align=”alignright” width=”225″][/media-credit]though of stealing some Junior thunder. In any case, the brewing feud was by leaps and bounds more entertaining than the race itself. The Busch-Harvick game of cat and mouse was both controversial and entertaining, a true brouhaha.

    You can call Busch a coward for driving off. And, you can say “it” runs in the family. You could even say he “turned tail.” Indeed he did. He spun Harvick not once, but twice. Busch is no one-hit wonder, like the band Sniff ‘N The Tears, who performed the 1978 hit “Driver’s Seat,” which Busch was surely humming when he sent the No. 29 Budweiser car astray. After those two dramatic left turns, Harvick will now be known as the “King Of Veers.”

    But give Harvick credit for instigating the situation and bumping Busch when it appeared Busch did nothing wrong. Say what you will about Harvick, but the man has guts. And it takes guts to confront a Busch brother with only window netting separating you. Wait. No it doesn’t. Anyway, Harvick is known to take no guff from anyone, and once Busch spun him, he was obligated to retaliate. What’s worse for Harvick and Busch? A piddly fine and probation from NASCAR, or the ignominy of knowing they let a heated rival get the upper hand. A lenient sanction, wisely administered by NASCAR’s marshmallow fist, ensures that Harvick and Busch, as well as other drivers, won’t be afraid to seek their own justice.

    As for the fates of Montoya and Newman, NASCAR again made the right call, issuing warnings instead of punishment. Montoya wrecked Newman at Richmond, and Newman punched Montoya at Darlington. With warnings, NASCAR is essentially saying “Your move, Montoya.”

    Who was most entertained by the Busch-Harvick fiasco? Why, Jimmie Johnson, of course? In his quest for his sixth Sprint Cup championship, Johnson has to be satisfied to see two of the three biggest challengers to his title in a conflict that is sure to spill over to the remainder of the season. And, with the volatile Carl Edwards due to blow his top soon, Johnson could very well see all three of his greatest rivals facing NASCAR discipline. What’s the biggest difference between Johnson and Harvick, Busch, and Edwards? Besides five Sprint Cup championships. It’s Johnson’s level-headedness. If he gets angry, it’s often at his crew chief, Chad Knaus. When he’s wronged, Johnson doesn’t get even. He gets even better.

    In short, NASCAR needs the excitement and controversy that comes with feuding drivers. If there’s a knock against NASCAR, it’s the boredom of races that lack action or controversy. NASCAR has a monopoly on monotony. If NASCAR’s discipline exacerbates this problem, then they have gone too far. Wisely, NASCAR only loosely practices what it preaches.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 57 laps at Darlington, and seemed well on his way to victory when an untimely caution with 10 laps to go altered the course of the race. Edwards and most of the front-runners pitted for tires, while Regan Smith stayed out and took the lead. Smith withstood Edwards’ charges and held on for his first career Sprint Cup win.

    “It would have been great to honor the birth of my son with a win,” Edwards said. “As it was, Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick were the ones paying homage to infantile behavior. I really thought we made the right decision to pit, but Smith wouldn’t let me by. He won the battle; Busch and Harvick started a war.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch was battling with Kevin Harvick and Clint Bowyer for sixth on lap 363 when contact between the three sent Bowyer spinning. After Harvick bumped Busch’s No. 18 Doublemint Toyota from behind, Busch retaliated by spinning the No. 29 Budweiser Chevy. And incensed Harvick later tried to punch Busch, but Busch simply drove away, sending Harvick’s parked car into the pit road wall. Busch finished 11th, and met with NASCAR officials, along with Harvick, Richard Childress, and Joe Gibbs after the race.

    “Maybe now,” Busch said, “Harvick will have a new appreciation for the ‘drive-through window.’ I was just sitting in my car minding my own business, when Harvick appears out of nowhere. I refuse to sit ‘idly’ by and give him a free shot at my head. I’m not afraid on him; I just simply drove off the ‘beaten’ path.

    “Despite fines and penalties from NASCAR, I stand by my actions. In regards to punishment, I listened to what NASCAR had to say. But like any driver worth his salt, I didn’t ‘hear’ it. Some have ‘selective hearing;’ I have ‘disciplinary hearing.’”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson survived an early spin courtesy of Juan Montoya, making a spectacular save to keep the No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet off the wall. Johnson recovered, and overcame a subsequent spin due to loose handling on lap 220, and was primed for a top-10 finish. But a loose lug nut 10 laps from the end forced him to the tail end of the longest line, and he finished 15th. Johnson remains second in the point standings, 23 out of first.

    “It’s on!” Johnson said. “Unfortunately, I’m referring to the Kyle Busch-Kevin Harvick feud, and not the lug nut in question.

    “I’m embroiled in a feud of my own, with Montoya. Of course, JPM apologized for spinning me. Now, I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive him. Frankly, as a five-time Cup champion, I’m about sick of making ‘acceptance’ speeches.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th at Darlington after Kyle Busch sent him spinning on lap 363 in retaliation for what Busch called “unacceptable racing” on Harvick’s part. Afterward, Harvick insinuated that his business with Busch is far from done. Harvick is fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 50 behind Carl Edwards.

    “It’s far from over,” Harvick said. “I know that, Busch knows that, and NASCAR knows that. Even my sponsor, Budweiser, knows that. Hence, the presence of a special Budweiser slogan on my car for upcoming races that says, ‘This Bud’s Coming For You.’

    “Kyle’s mother must be proud. In Mrs. Busch’s honor, I’d like to extend Happy Mother’s Day wishes to her via Kyle when I say ‘Your momma.’ But let’s not let our feud take away from Regan Smith’s victory. It was truly a magical night at Darlington. Even I tried a little magic of my own when, much like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, I tried to pull a ‘chicken’ out of the No. 18 car. Even Kyle got in on the fun with his little ‘disappearing act.’”

    5. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his fourth top-5 finish of the year with a fifth in the Showtime Southern 500. He led 28 laps, and improved two places in the point standings to sixth, 61 out of first.

    “You may have heard,” Newman said, “that I threw a punch at Juan Montoya during our meeting with NASCAR officials to discuss our budding feud. I gave reconciliation a chance. Apparently, there’s just no getting through to Montoya. I’ve always said, ‘Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.’ So I did.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th at Darlington, victimized by a penalty for hitting the pit road entrance cone on a lap 329 stop. He remained fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 47 out of first.

    “It was a crazy week at the track,” Earnhardt said. “Even inanimate objects weren’t safe from being hit. Surprisingly, orange safety cones are a lot like certain drivers, in that safety cones don’t fight back, either.”

    7. Tony Stewart: Stewart took a gamble at Darlington, staying out while most of the leaders pitted after Jeff Burton’s blown engine brought out the caution on lap 359. It paid off, as Stewart gained substantial track position, and scored his fourth top-10 finish of the year with a seventh. He jumped three places in the point standings to seventh, 65 out of first.

    “From what I hear,” Stewart said, “even a meeting with NASCAR did nothing to settle the Ryan Newman-Juan Montoya feud. And that’s no surprise. Both Ryan and Juan are very headstrong, so it’s shocking to see that neither was willing to show ‘resolve.’

    “Montoya was unwilling to take any responsibility for wrecking Ryan at Richmond. Are we supposed to believe that his spin of Ryan was simply an accident? I think Ryan has resigned himself to accepting that claim, no matter how implausible it seems. That’s why he’s taking no responsibility for punching Montoya. That’s called the ‘Oops! Upside Your Head’ defense.”

    8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer saw a possible top-5 finish disintegrate when he spun into the inside wall after Kyle Busch, Kevin Harvick and Bowyer battled door to door on lap 363. Bowyer’s No. 31 BB&T Chevy was done for the day, and he finished 31st.

    “I knew I was in trouble when Busch, Harvick, and myself came out of the corner side-by-side-by-side. That kind of lateral racing can lead to only one thing: collateral damage. And that was me.

    “Of course, as we already know, Harvick won’t take Busch’s actions sitting down. Kevin’s reputation is that of someone who never backs down. Everyone expects Kevin to retaliate, and I’m sure he’ll be ‘Happy’ to oblige.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth blew a tire early at Darlington and fell three laps down and was never able to catch a break to regain track position. When his night at Darlington was done, Kenseth posted a finish of 25th, his third result outside the top 20 since winning at Texas on April 9th. He dropped one place in the point standings to tenth, 83 out of first.

    “I was an early victim of the ‘Lady In Black,’” Kenseth said. “It’s possibly the first time in my life I’ve been chosen first by a woman.

    “As for the Kyle Busch-Kevin Harvick, it appears NASCAR was somewhat lenient with punishment. But that’s not surprising. Of course, NASCAR’s backed themselves into a corner by advocating the ‘Boys, have at it’ mentality, which, as history shows, is inevitably translated by drivers into the ‘Boys, have a tit-for-tat’ mentality.”

    10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne started on the pole at Darlington and led 124 of 370 laps on his way to a fourth-place finish, his second consecutive top-5 result after last week’s third at Richmond.

    “I’m riding a wave of momentum right now,” Kahne said. “But I won’t get complacent. In this sport, momentum is like a one-year contract—very fleeting. I have to hand it to Red Bull for signing me to a one-year contract with the knowledge that at year’s end, I’ll say ‘Bull split’ and head over to Hendrick. Mighty Kasey doesn’t strike out; he strikes deals.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth at Richmond, posting his fifth top-5 result of the year. He led 11 laps on the night, and extended his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings from 5 to 9 over Jimmie Johnson.

    “My friends call me ‘Cousin Carl.’ If asked to describe their rapport with me, most of my fellow driver would say ‘no relation.’ Now, should I maintain the points lead, by year’s end I hope to have all my rivals saying ‘uncle.’

    “It was a wild night in Richmond, one characterized by survival. The fans had to survive the boredom of the first half of the race, and the drivers had to survive the second half. Figuratively, all hell broke loose. Literally, judging by the language used, ‘aw hell’ broke loose. I think NASCAR introduced a new flag, a solid blue one, that signaled drivers to tone down their ‘blue’ language.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch led 235 of 400 laps at Richmond, and stretched his last tank of gas for 107 laps to hold off Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin to win the Matthew And Daniel Hansen 400 Presented By Crown Royal, his third consecutive Richmond spring win. Busch is third in the point standings, 30 behind Carl Edwards.

    “Hey, I love the Hansen brothers,” Busch said. “Maybe they’ll compose a tribute song to me and my sponsor called ‘M&M Bop!’ What’s that? They’re not the Hanson brothers? Very well. I, of all people, should know about imposters posing as brothers. 

    “I found it quite satisfying that amidst all the chaos around on Saturday night, I was one of the few drivers to remain calm. And one of the most profanely vocal of the foul-mouthed bunch was my brother Kurt. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: ‘On an A to Z scale, Kurt is truly ‘R’ rated.” 

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson salvaged an eighth-place finish at Richmond, surviving an ill-performing car, as well as a run-in with Joey Logano’s No. 20 Toyota, to register his sixth top-10 of the year. Johnson is second in the point standings, nine behind Carl Edwards.

    “What can you expect when the Lowes and Home Depot cars get together?” Johnson said. “Repairs, of course.

     “I hear that Logano’s crew chief Greg Zippadelli called me a ‘bleeping’ moron in a radio shouting match with Chad Knaus. I’m not offended at all. In fact, let’s give Zippy credit. Apparently, there’s only one thing he can do like a champ, and that’s curse.” 

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer, in the No. 33 BB&T Chevrolet, led 18 laps early and finished 6th at Richmond, Saturday’s top Chevrolet finisher. He moved up two spots in the point standings to 7th, 51 out of first.

    “Unlike some people,” Bowyer said, “I have nothing but good things to say about my pit crew. In fact, the BB&T pit crew is so reliable, I call them ‘Money In The Bank.’ Donald Trump surely has to recognize his boundless influence creeping into NASCAR, because between Kurt Busch and Martin Truex, Jr., enough ‘F-bombs’ and ‘you’re fired’s’ were dropped to make the Donald proud. Busch and Truex sure were unhappy about mistakes made by their teams and pit crews. It seems they’ve declared a war on error.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt endured a discouraging night in the Matthew And Daniel Hansen 400, finishing two laps down in 19th and ending a three-race run of top-10 results. After the race, a frustrated Earnhardt uncharacteristically left the track without talking to reporters.

    “Sometimes,” Earnhardt said, “frustration gets the best of you. But I won’t let it hold me down for long. Luckily, frustration is one thing I can beat.   

     “My winless streak now stands at 102 races. I recall fondly, as a little boy, dreaming of one day ‘going over 100.’ Well, dreams do come true.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 12th and finished 12th at Richmond, battling loose-handling conditions and falling a lap down to the leader late in the race. He dropped one spot in the Sprint Cup point standings to fifth, 35 behind Carl Edwards.

    “12 and 12 is 24,” Harvick said. “And 24 is a case, a case of Budweiser mediocrity.”

    Now, I’ve had my squabbles with Juan Montoya. Who hasn’t? It will be interesting to see where the Montoya-Ryan Newman feud goes from here. I’ve got some advice for both of them. Newman should tell Montoya, ‘If you want face me off the track, I’ll make you face me on the track, when I turn you around with my front bumper.’ To this, Montoya should simply reply, ‘Oh yeah? You and what Army?’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was collected in a pile-up triggered by three-wide racing on a lap 301 restart, a wreck that sent Kenseth into the wall. After multiple stops to repair right-side damage, Kenseth limped home with a 21st-place finish, two laps down to the leaders.

    “I’m not sure who started that wreck,” Kenseth said. “I would venture to say he was a ‘bleeping moron.’ That wreck left a lot of cars damaged. So kudos to the pit crews who worked feverishly to get those cars back on the track. They had to be the night’s hardest workers, right behind networks censors, who erased more of Kurt Busch than his cosmetic ear surgeon.”    

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch endured a frustrating day at Richmond, finishing 22nd, three laps down, handicapped by a bad-handling No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge. To make matters worse, the No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge was later caught up in the Ryan Newman-Juan Montoya dust-up. Busch dropped one spot to sixth in the point standings, 46 behind Carl Edwards.

    “My chatter on the team radio is not suitable for virgin ears,” Busch said. “You could say the audio, much like my ears, needed to be ‘doctored’ to be presentable in public. But I don’t mind people saying I lost my cool. I see it as a compliment. If I lost my cool, then that means I was cool at some point. And it’s not often I get called ‘cool.’

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman was running eighth when he was sent hurtling into the wall by Juan Montoya, in retaliation for Newman’s spin of the No. 42 car earlier that damaged Montoya’s back end. Newman struggled afterwards in his damaged No. 39 Stewart-Haas Chevrolet, and finished 20th.

    “Revenge will be forthcoming,” Newman said. “And it will be swift and speedy, if for no other reason than a need to justify my nickname of ‘Rocketman.’ I haven’t won a ‘pole’ in some time; soon, I hope to beat a Colombian. If you noticed after the race, Montoya took off on a golf cart instead of facing me like a man. I suppose that fiery Latino temperament, in this case, makes him a ‘spicy chicken.’ Of course, while Montoya slinked away on the ‘coward caddy,’ I headed to the NASCAR hauler to complain. As they say, ‘payback’s a snitch.’” 

    10. (tie) Tony Stewart: Stewart finished ninth at Richmond, the last car on the lead lap, on a chaotic Saturday night in Virginia. Stewart improved two spots in the point standings to tenth, 60 out of first.

    “I was appalled by the skill displayed at Richmond,” Stewart said. “But enough about Fox’s announcers. The driving was just as bad. After the half-way point, it seemed that driver sensibilities took a dramatic turn for the worse. Thus the race became a diminution derby. 

    “Among the legion of idiotic drivers, none sttod out more than Juan Montoya, who blatantly wrecked Ryan Newman in retaliation for a clearly unintentional spin by Newman. Montoya is a wanted man. If driving the Target car isn’t proof enough of that, then these makeshift, Old West-themed ‘Juan-ted’ posters are. Revenge will be a team effort. Montoya should be on the lookout for both Ryan and me. We suggest Juan call us ‘Smoke And Rear-view Mirrors’ for the time being.”  

    Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was good all weekend, winning his own charity race and the Nationwide BUBBA burger 250 on Friday, but wasn’t quite good enough on Saturday night. Hamlin finished second to teammate Kyle Busch, and Busch credited Hamlin with some advice that helped him master Richmond’s D-shaped, .75-mile circuit.

    “A year ago,” Hamlin said, “if Kyle had told me he ‘needed help,’ I would have directed him to a reputable anger management counselor.

     “It was mighty nice of Kyle to conveniently run out of gas on the last lap to allow me to win my own charity race. I think he knew I needed a win, and he was more than happy to oblige. I was the charity case in the charity race.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards paired up with Roush Fenway teammate Greg Biffle late at Talladega, and led with two laps to go before finishing sixth following a chaotic shuffling on the final lap. Edwards maintained the lead in the Sprint Cup point standings, and leads Jimmie Johnson by five. 

     “With five laps to go,” Edwards said, “there were eight drivers with a chance to win the race. Eight, if you count Dave Blaney. I found it interesting that I started the race beside Brad Keselowski and finished it beside the concrete wall. That’s called running a race between a hard head and a hard place.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Benefitting from a race-winning push from Hendrick Motorsports teammate Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Johnson won the Aaron’s, nipping Clint Bowyer by .002 in a stirring finish at Talladega. Johnson’s first win of the year moved him up to second in the Sprint Cup point standings, where he trails Carl Edwards by only five.

     “Obviously,” Johnson said, “I couldn’t have done it without Earnhardt’s help. They say Earnhardt is NASCAR’s most popular driver. He just became Jimmie Johnson’s most popular driver as well. I guess this is what happens when ‘push comes to love.’

    “I’m just glad I was able to lead the Hendrick charge. There may only be room for one driver on my bumper, but there’s room for three on my coattails.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished fourth in the Aaron’s 499, sacrificing a chance for the win to push teammate Jimmie Johnson to a dramatic victory. In the tandem racing prevalent at Talladega, Johnson was faster in front with Earnhardt pushing. After the race, a grateful Johnson presented Earnhardt with the checkered flag.

    “I can’t thank Jimmie enough for the flag,” Earnhardt said. “Actually, I think once is enough. I’m honored, but not winning at the track at which I’m most capable of winning is something I’d like to put behind me. Thus, the flag becomes my ‘checkered past.’

    “You’ve got to hand it to Jimmie, though. He’s a very shrewd racer. It was quite clever of him to say he was slower in the back. Of course he’s slower; he’s behind me. But I bought it, and now I have to live with it. I guess I’ll now be categorized as the ‘consummate’ teammate. ‘Consummate’ would be the operative word, because I believe I got screwed.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick nearly pushed Richard Childress teammate Clint Bowyer to the win at Talladega, as Bowyer lost to Jimmie Johnson by .002 in a photo finish at the line. Harvick finished fourth, collecting his fourth top-5 result of the year, and leaped five places in the point standings to fourth.

    “One day I’m stocking grocery stores with Budweiser,” Harvick said. “The next, I’m thriving in the role of dedicated teammate, and using the No. 29 Budweiser Chevy to push Clint Bowyer to a near-win at Talladega. In both cases, you could say I ‘shelved’ Budweiser for the sake of others.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch saw his Talladega hopes dashed when Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Joey Logano nudged Busch’s No. 18 M&M’s Pretzel Toyota on lap 140, sending Busch into Matt Kenseth’s No. 17. Busch finished 35th, and tumbled four spots in the Sprint Cup point standings to sixth, 38 out of first.

    “In a restrictor plate race,” Busch said, “sometimes you have to learn to accept your ‘restrictor fate.’ C’est la re(strictor). Joe Gibbs Racing cars have had their engine issues this year, but at Talladega, it was Logano who was the culprit. Either way, you could say it was still Toyota’s fault.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led the most laps at Talladega, 38, but came up just short at the end, losing to Jimmie Johnson’s No. 48 Hendrick Chevy by .002, which tied Ricky Craven’s 2003 win at Darlington for the narrowest margin of victory since the age of electronic timing. Bowyer improved two places in the point standings to tenth, 50 out of first.

    “It was an exciting end to an otherwise boring race,” Bowyer said. “I think we gave the fans what they wanted. Although I didn’t win, I was the pleased the No. 33 BB&T Chevy could add a little ‘interest’ to the race.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth’s run of four-straight top-10 finishes ended at Talladega, when he was collected in a lap 139 wreck that sent him to the garage. Kenseth’s No. 17 Crown Royal Black Ford was nailed by Kyle Busch’s No. 18 Toyota after Busch was clipped by Joey Logano. Kenseth finished 36th, and fell four places in the point standings to eighth.

    “Wrecks at Talladega are a lot like what Kyle Busch must experience with his teammates at Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “There’s no way to avoid them. And speaking of ‘unavoidable  wrecks,’ my brother Kurt had quite the day at Talladega. The ‘Duke Of Hazard’ invented a new style of racing called ‘constrictor plate,’ because afterwards, everyone wanted to choke him.

     “Now, lost in all of the Talladega hoopla was the story that NASCAR chairman Brian France filed a lawsuit against his ex-wife, claiming she recorded phone conversations without his consent in order to extort money from him. That’s amazing! Amazing that she thought someone would actually want to hear what Brian France has to say.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch led 19 laps in the Aaron’s 499, but faded at the finish after losing Dave Blaney’s No. 36 car in the draft. Busch finished 18th, and remained fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now trails Carl Edwards by 28.

    “I started the day fifth in the point standings,” Busch said, “and ended the day in the same place. I guess the point standings are the only thing I could say I didn’t put a dent in. 

    “Unfortunately, I was in the middle of three major wrecks. But don’t blame me—I couldn’t see what was ahead of me. Apparently, my fans are much better at one thing that I, and that’s ‘blindly following.’”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 25th in the Aaron’s 499, a result that could have been much worse had Newman not made two miraculous saves to stay in the race. On lap 171, Newman momentarily lost the draft with Denny Hamlin, but when their bumpers reconnected, Newman spun, collecting Juan Montoya’s No. 42. Newman miraculously straightened his car and kept going. Two laps later, he spun again, and kept the car out of danger. After pitting for four tires and fender repairs, he resumed in 27th. He eventually finished 25th, and remained seventh in the point standings.

    “I even amazed myself,” Newman said. “Only one other thing has made me grip a steering wheel so tightly. That would be Rusty Wallace.”      

    10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started on the pole at Talladega, and after riding safely at the back of the pack for most of the race, charged at the end with a continual push from his drafting partner Mark Martin. In the thrilling dash to the line, Gordon finished third behind Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson and Clint Bowyer.

    “You could say Jimmie Johnson ‘came out of nowhere’ for the win,” Gordon said. “But it seems implausible that a five-time Sprint Cup champion could ‘come out of nowhere.’ Let’s just say he ‘came out of somewhere’ and ‘pulled it out of someplace.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards took third at Texas, passing Tony Stewart’s gassed out car on the final lap, as Roush Fenway Racing placed all four cars in the top 7. Edwards battled stomach problems all day, as well as handling issues in the No. 99 Scott’s Ford, but hung in to post his fourth top-5 result of the year. He vaulted passed Kyle Busch in the point standings, and holds a nine point lead.

    “We were loose all day,” Edwards said. “And when I say ‘we,’ I mean the car and me. It’s hard to find a rhythm when you’re constantly telling your car to ‘go’ and only your stomach is listening. It was a day of ‘fits and sharts.’ My teammate David Ragan may drive the UPS car, but it was me who truly found out what brown could do for me. The answer was very little.

    “As you may know, I’m in the last year of my contract, and I’m currently in talks with Roush Fenway concerning a contract extension. I’m pretty confident we’ll get it done, especially after Saturday night’s performance, because I seriously doubt anyone else would want my ‘seat’ after that.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch was running third and primed to contend for the win at Texas, but a left-rear tire vibration forced a late pit stop, putting the No. 18 Interstate Battery Toyota a lap down. Busch never got a caution to get back on the lead lap, and settled for a disappointing 16th, which knocked him from the Sprint Cup points lead. He trails Carl Edwards by nine points.

    “Given the circumstances,” Busch said, “I’d rather not be behind Edwards at this point. As it stands, though, Carl’s the only driver in front of me, and that makes him the public enemy No. 1. Ironically, public enemy No. 1 faced a devious nemesis at Texas, ‘public enemy No. 2.’    

     “Joe Gibbs Racing is still experiencing engine problems. Luckily, we’ve identified the issues—they’re apparently called ‘Denny Hamlin’ and ‘Logano.’ I think those two have answered the age-old question: ‘What happens when a driver and car run out of talent at the same time?’ 

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth ended a 76-race winless streak with an assertive victory in the Samsung Mobil 500 at Texas, leading 169 of 334 laps and winning by over eight seconds over Clint Bowyer. Kenseth donned the ceremonial ten-gallon hat and six shooters afforded the Texas winner in victory lane, celebrating his first win since California in 2009. He leapt six places in the Sprint Cup point standings to third, 13 behind Carl Edward and four behind Kyle Busch.

    “Surprise!” Kenseth said. “It’s Matt Kenseth with the ‘hat trick,’ and not Kevin Harvick. And it’s not just Carl Edwards ‘shooting blanks;’ it’s me as well.

    “I’ve always ran well at Texas, and I knew we were capable of winning here. I just had to go out and do it. Much in the same way that Edwards did, I told myself, ‘I’ve got to go.’ Luckily for me, and for Carl, I did, and he didn’t.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson battled loose-handling conditions for the majority of Texas’ 334 laps on Saturday night, but still managed a solid eighth-place finish. Johnson dropped one spot in the point standings, and now trails Carl Edwards by 13 points.

    “We’ve gone seven races this season without a win,” Johnson said. “I could be a whiner and blame everybody, which would be a case of a ‘critical ass’ calling out the ‘critical mass.’ But I’ve learned that criticism is a useless endeavor—it can only lead to forced, insincere apologies to NASCAR.

    “But it is much too early in the season to be worrying about my deficiencies. I should know that better than anyone. I’ve made a habit of spending the first 26 races showing I’m mortal, and the last ten proving I’m immortal. I’ve spent five years perfecting the art, and it’s a cause I’m proud to champion.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s effort to win his third-straight race was derailed early after a right-side tire violation penalty on his first pit stop. With track position compromised, he eventually fell two laps down and never returned to the lead lap, finishing 20th. He tumbled four places to ninth in the point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 28.

    “Unfortunately,” Harvick said, “I won’t be saying ‘three in a row.’ They say good things come in three’s, except for four-tire pit stops.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt posted his second-straight top-10 finish, and fourth of the season, with a ninth in the Samsung Mobil 500. He moved up two places in the point standings to sixth, and trails Carl Edwards by 21.

    “It’s now been 100 races since my last win,” Earnhardt said. “That’s a dry spell any member of Junior Nation could be proud of. But that’s a long time to go without a win. Now, when I see a ‘three-finger salute,’ I’ll know it means ‘three digits.’ Of course, that’s opposed to the normal ‘three-finger salute,’ in which three of my fans stand in unison and flip the bird to the driver that just passed me on the track.

    “Now, that 100-race winless streak could very well come to an end at Talladega. I hear two-car tandems again will be the norm as they were at Daytona, and the multi-car draft seems to be a thing of the past. So, Sunday’s race will be a lot like a typical weekend in the Talladega infield, with multiple hookups with 10-15 partners, and the occasional threesome, with feelings of regret when it’s over.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch led five times for 50 laps at Texas, but found himself in an off-sequence pit situation without a much-needed caution. Forced to pit late while running second, Busch settled for a 10th, and fell one spot in the point standings to fifth, 16 out of first.

    “We qualified 10th and finished 10th,” Busch said. “That’s what I call ‘running in place.’ And speaking of ‘running in place,’ the No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge team could use a ‘jog,’ preferably to the noggin, to rouse us from the doldrums of mediocrity. I’ve told my team the same thing I‘ve told my cosmetic surgeon: ‘You can do better than this.’”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman faced an uphill battle on Saturday night at Texas, as the No. 39 U.S. Army Chevy lacked the necessary handling and speed to be a factor in the Samsung Mobil 500. Newman salvaged a 14th-place result, scrapping until the end. He dropped one place in the point standings to seventh, 23 out of first.

    “It was a tough day for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Newman said. “I struggled all day, and Tony Stewart ruined a potential race-winning fuel strategy by speeding in the pits on his final stop. So, I was ‘sorry,’ and Tony apologized. I’m sure Tony had a horrible feeling in his gut after that huge mistake. It seems that, much like Carl Edwards, Tony was suffering from his own case of ‘botch-ulism.’” 

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer’s runner-up finish at Texas gave him three consecutive top-10’s after an early season of struggles, and solidified much-needed momentum for the No. 33 Richard Childress Racing Chevrolet team. Bowyer nearly wrecked while leading when contact with Brian Vickers sent him spinning, but a miraculous save kept him in the running.

    “My sympathies go out to Carl Edwards,” Bowyer said. “I can certainly relate to the ordeal he experienced on Saturday, because I nearly crapped my pants too. If not for our abilities to avoid catastrophe, we both could have had a mess on our hands.”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart’s shot at a Texas victory ended when a late pit road speeding penalty ruined what appeared to be a winning fuel strategy by the No. 14 Office Depot/Mobil 1 team. Stewart ran out of fuel on the final lap while running third, and finished 12th. 

    “In times like these,” Stewart said, “I must choose my words wisely. Criticizing NASCAR’s pit road speed monitoring system so soon after being penalized would be a case of bad timing. And explaining the use of sarcasm and puns right now would be a case of good timing. And you know me. If you believe overly embellished Rolling Stone accounts of my life as a playboy and hard partier, then I certainly know everything possible about ‘good time-ing.’”