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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: After leading 151 laps and finishing third at Fontana last week, Busch duplicated the feat at Martinsville, leading 151 of 500 laps and coming home third. It was the third time this year Busch has lost a lead late in a race, and although he assumed the points lead after his Martinsville finish, many are left wondering if Busch’s killer instinct disappeared along with his “bad boy” persona.

     “Hey,” Busch said, “they said the same thing about the ‘new’ Kyle Busch as they have recently about a late Kyle Busch lead in a race: ‘It’ll never last.’      

     “They call Kevin Harvick ‘The Closer.’ I guess that makes me the ‘Close(r) But No Cigar.’ It’s amazing. The more things change, the more they stay the same. After winning at Bristol, I was considered the ‘one to beat.’ Now, I’m still considered the ‘one to beat.’”

     2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was floundering in 27th before a red flag for Martin Truex, Jr.’s wreck allowed the No. 29 Budweiser team time to regroup. With a strategy established, Harvick methodically climbed to the front, and slipped by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. with four laps to go, then cruised to the win. It was Harvick’s second-straight win, and boosted him four places in the point standings to fifth, 15 out of first.

     “That’s right, Junior Nation,” Harvick said. “Kevin Harvick sucks…. the wind out of a potential Junior Nation-wide celebration. But I realize passing Junior doesn’t make you the most popular driver. Being Junior makes you the most popular driver. But racing is not a popularity contest. You don’t win races by collecting the most votes. Junior fans should realize there’s no shame in losing to Kevin Harvick, just as there’s no glory in being named ‘Mr. Congeniality’ at season’s end.  

     “Early in the season, we were little more than mediocre. In fact, many of my competitors were calling me ‘Happy Medium.’ Now, the 29 car is the one to beat, and I, along with crew chief Gil Martin, have raised our expectations. Collectively, we’re known as ‘Happy Gil More.’” 

     3. Jimmie Johnson: After a caution on lap 465 brought the field into the pits, Johnson emerged as he entered, in second behind Kyle Busch, and a seventh Martinsville win was a distinct possibility for the No. 48 Lowe’s team. However, Johnson was nabbed for speeding entering pit road, and forced to restart at the end of the longest line. Restarting 15th, he picked off four positions, and finished a disappointing 11th.

    “I’ve won here like clockwork,” Johnson said. “Now I can say I’ve lost here by clockwork. I was shafted. There’s no way I was speeding. Obviously, there’s a vast, rite-wing conspiracy at work against yet another season’s-end ceremony honoring the champ, and there’s bias at play. NASCAR doesn’t want to see another Jimmie Johnson championship. It’s called getting ‘five-timed,’ and as was the case when Brooke Gordon got ‘two-timed,’ it’s costing a Hendrick driver dearly.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled at Martinsville, finishing one lap down in 18th and falling out of the top spot in the Sprint Cup point standings. He holds the second spot, five points behind Kyle Busch.

    “By no means am I a short-track expert,” Edwards said. “I’m no ‘ringer,’ but some, Kevin Harvick included, have called me a ‘wringer.’ When people think of Carl Edwards, they don’t think ‘short track;’ they think ‘short fuse.’”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt led 17 laps in the Goody’s Fast Pain Relief 500, turning in his best performance of the year with a second at Martinsville. After a 24th to start the season at Daytona, Earnhardt hasn’t finished worse than 12th since, and has climbed the point standings to eighth.

    “I’m disappointed I didn’t get the win,” Earnhardt said. “But I’ll say the same thing countless fans have said many times over at the No. 88 merchandise tents: ‘I’ll take it.’ 

    “Now, should I fail to win at Texas, I’ll be the owner of a 100-race winless streak. Sure it looks bad, but I’m finally doing something my daddy never could.”

    6. Ryan Newman: Newman saw a promising day at Martinsville deteriorate quickly when a broken header pipe on lap 328 left his No. 39 Haas Automation Chevy with compromised horsepower. A subsequent flat tire and spin sent him further back in the field, and Newman eventually hobbled home with a 20th-place finish, two laps adrift of the lead lap.

    “A broken pipe, a flat tire, and a spin,” said Newman. “That’s bad for Ryan Newman, but even worse for Jeremy Mayfield.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch survived an eventful day at Martinsville, overcoming right-front damage sustained when he clipped Bobby Labonte midway through the race to salvage a 16th-place finish. After four-straight top-10’s to open the season, Busch has finished 17th and 16th in the last two weeks, and after holding the points lead after Bristol, he’s now down to fourth, 14 behind younger brother Kyle.

    “There’s good news and there’s bad news,” Busch said. “The bad news is I’m down to fourth in the point standings. The good news? Kyle’s in the lead, so I like my chances to improve. Brother Kyle holds a Sunday lead about as well as Greg Norman at the Masters.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was penalized on the first lap of the race for changing lanes before the start/finish line, putting him in a hole early. But the No. 17 Crown Royal Black team patiently battled back, and Kenseth regained the lead lap on lap 221. He eventually finished sixth, joining Roush Fenway teammate David Ragan in the top 10. Kenseth is now ninth in the points, 24 out of first.

    “I qualified 24th,” Kenseth said. “As such, you can never underestimate the importance of taking the 23rd position less than a lap into the race. NASCAR officials foiled my master plan. But that’s par for the course in the life of Matt Kenseth. Even my efforts to cheat are just as unspectacular as the rest of me.” 

    9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon posted his first top-5 result since winning at Phoenix in February with a fifth at Martinsville. He led 37 laps on the day, and vaulted four places in the Sprint Cup point standings to 12th, 49 behind Kyle Busch.

    “Hendrick Motorsports placed four cars in the top 11,” Gordon said. “Things are looking up for HMS. Or are they? I haven’t won in four races, Mark Martin hasn’t won in 51, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in winless in his last 99, and Jimmie Johnson’s hasn’t won a championship in well over 130 days!”

    10. Juan Montoya: Montoya finished fourth in the Goody’s Fast Pain Relief 500, charging late with several key passes to forge his fourth top-10 result of the year. He moved up one spot in the point standings, and is now seventh, 18 out of first.

    “I hear that my former Formula 1 teammate Kimi Raikkonen has signed to drive trucks in the Camping World series. It’s good to see F1 stars gravitating towards NASCAR. Years on the F1 circuit will prepare you for the rigors of any racing series, and Kimi’s vast open-cockpit experience qualifies him not only for a seat with Kyle Busch Motorsports, but as a Southwest Airlines pilot as well. Kimi will be the first native of Finland to race in NASCAR. I’d say that’s a good omen for him, as he’s already crossed the ‘Finnish’ line even before his first race.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Fontana

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Fontana

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 151 of 200 laps at Fontana, but couldn’t hold off the late charges of Jimmie Johnson and Kevin Harvick. Johnson passed Busch with two laps to go, while Harvick slid by the No. 18 Toyota a lap later. Busch finished third, narrowly missing another weekend sweep after taking the Nationwide and Sprint Cup races at Bristol a week earlier.

    “I’m disappointed we didn’t win,” Busch said, “but I can’t complain about a finish. Nor can Denny Hamlin, because he didn’t have one to complain about. I’ll send Denny my condolences via Federal Express, to his new address at the corner of Start and Park. But it’s concerning when engine woes become engine ‘whoa’s.’ Apparently, the engine shop has some bugs to work out. Fans of AMC’s infamous 1970’s subcompact car will be thrilled to hear this, but it seems that Toyota is now making Gremlins.”

    I led ¾ of Sunday’s race, so, for 151 laps, I did what everyone expects of Kyle Busch, and that’s to ‘show my behind.’ That’s called giving the rest of the field a view of the ‘tail end of the lap leader.’”      

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished sixth in the Auto Club 400, posting his fourth top-10 result of the year. It was a solid finish for Edwards, albeit a disappointing one at a track on which he’s consistently been competitive, and gave him the lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. Edwards leads Ryan Newman by nine points.

    “Kevin Harvick wasted no time in passing Jimmie Johnson,” Edwards said. “I hear they’re calling it ‘The Pass.’ And, they’re calling my failure to overtake Kyle Busch at Bristol ‘The Passive.’”

    I still regret not pushing Kyle a little harder at Bristol. Next time, I won’t ‘beat around the Busch.’ I’ve learned a hard lesson in complacence. Next time, when Carl Edwards ‘sees’ an opportunity, Carl Edwards will ‘seize’ that opportunity.”  

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overtook Kyle Busch on lap 199 in the Auto Club 500, only to see Kevin Harvick slip by on the final turn, stealing the win from Johnson, who had won five times previously at Fontana. Johnson’s runner-up finish advanced him two spots in the Sprint Cup point standings to fifth, 14 points behind Carl Edwards.

    “I guess Jimmy John’s does deliver,” Johnson said, “because I got ‘served’ by Kevin Harvick in the No. 29 Jimmy John’s Chevy. Harvick gave me something to think about, so I guess that makes it ‘food for thought.’ I wonder if he accepts tips. If he does, I’ve got one for him: It happens, but it won’t happen again.”

    But does a last-lap pass make Harvick a contender for the Cup? Not in my eyes. I’ve got five Cup titles propping me up. My lovely wife has one ‘ring’ finger; I’ve got five. My three biggest rivals, Harvick, Kyle Busch, and Carl Edwards, have none. So, until something changes, I’m playing ‘ring around the posers.’ If they want to prove something to me, then they should improve.” 

    I’ve got the field right where I want them. I’m fifth in the standings, and you know how my competitors hate to hear the words ‘fifth’ and ‘Jimmie Johnson’ used together.” 

    4. Kevin Harvick: In fifth with nine laps remaining, Harvick blasted to the front in the final two laps, gaining Jimmie Johnson’s bumper before sling-shotting by the No. 48 in turn 4. Harvick posted his first win of the year, beating Johnson by a .144 margin.

    “I hope this win reaffirms my commitment to dethroning the five-time defending champion,” Harvick said. “I’d like to think I’m seen as a legitimate threat, and I hope that when the No. 29 Chevrolet with ‘Jimmy John’s’ on the hood appeared in Jimmie Johnson’s rear-view mirror, he saw a little bit of ‘himself’ out there.” 

    5. Ryan Newman: Newman finished fifth at Fontana, posting his third top-5 and fourth top-10 result of the year, as the Stewart-Haas Racing duo was again strong. Teammate Tony Stewart finished 13th  after spending much of the day in the top 10. Newman moved up two spots to second in the point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by only 9.

    “I think Stewart-Haas may be the strongest team in NASCAR right now,” Newman said. “Tony and I are talented drivers, and we’re not afraid to say or do whatever necessary to get our point across. You could say Tony and I have and make a formidable pair. And my engineering degree from Purdue University makes me the ‘dynamic’ of the ‘dynamic duo.’ As for Tony, he adamantly disavows any accusations that he’s ever matriculated in his life.” 

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch started 23rd in the Auto Club 500 and gained little ground throughout the duration of the race. The No. 22 Dodge, bearing Auto Club sponsorship, started tight, and the “Double Deuce” never found a remedy despite multiple adjustments. Busch fell from the lead in the point standings to third, ten points behind Carl Edwards.

    “We were stuck in the middle of the pack all day,” Busch said. “Had we been sporting our usual sponsors and paint schemes, it would have been fitting to call us ‘Shell stationary.’”

    But leads in the point standings this early in the season can be fleeting. Of all people, I should know. As a veteran of cosmetic surgery, I can tell you that some things are ‘ear today and gone tomorrow.’ And that’s no joke. Trust me, I know importance of being earnest. However, I don’t know the importance of being ear-less, but I do know the importance of having less ear.”   

    7. Tony Stewart: Stewart ran among the leaders all day at Fontana, chasing front-runner Kyle Busch, who led 151 laps, for much of the race. However, after the final restart, Stewart’s No. 14 Office Depot Chevrolet faded, and he finished a disappointing 13th. He dropped two spots in the point standings to sixth, 17 out of first.

    “We’ve been fast all year,” Stewart said. “We’ve led laps, and we’ve made the right pit calls. We’ve done everything but win. Someone once said, or some someone once misquoted me in Rolling Stone as saying, “Racing is a lot like a visit to the massage parlor—it’s a lot better when there’s a happy ending.”

    8. Paul Menard: Menard scrambled to a 16th-place finish in the Auto Club 400, with tight handling conditions spoiling his chances for a result in the top 10. Menard’s No. 27 Serta/Menard’s Chevrolet stood in ninth for a restart with about 25 laps remaining, but quickly dropped to 16th as the handling deserted him. He fell further back before the race’s last restart,  

    “Despite a lackluster finish,” Menard said, “I’m still proud of my position in the Sprint Cup point standings. I don’t think anyone expected me to be seventh in the points after five races. And, with Serta sponsorship on my car, you could say I’m a real ‘sleeper.’ Apparently, it was enough to wake up my RCR teammates, who’ve been sleeping on the job.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fourth in the Auto Club 400, registering his second top-5 result of the year. He’s charged back from a slow start to the season with two consecutive 4th-place finishes, and is now 10th in the point standings, 30 out of first.

    “Carl Edwards has assumed the Sprint Cup points lead,” Kenseth said. “He’s become the unquestioned leader of Roush Fenway Racing, but that doesn’t mean his teammates like it. I like to say he’s the ‘face’ and the ‘ass’ of Roush Fenway.”

    Now, as NASCAR’s unofficial spokesman for bland and boring, and the lead singer of the Mötley Crüe cover band ‘Mätt-ley Crüe, a band known for the hit ‘Mild Side,’ I’m compelled to comment on Sunday’s race. It was 197 laps of low drama, followed by three laps of melodrama. For the first 197 laps, the Auto Club 400 should have been called the ‘Auto Pilot 400.’” 

    10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne posted his third top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Fontana, backing up an identical ninth at Bristol a week earlier. After a 25th at Daytona, Kahne hasn’t finished outside the top 15, and is now 11th in the points, 30 out of first.

    “I guess it’s true what they say,” Kahne said. “Red Bull does give you wings, because I’ll be taking flight from Red Bull to Hendrick Motorsports at season’s end. It’s common knowledge that when I sign a contract, it’s often scored by the sound of the Beatles ‘Hello Goodbye’ playing in the background.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: After Kyle Busch took the lead on the final pit stop, Edwards chased the No. 18 M&M’s Toyota over the final 45 laps at Bristol, nearing the lead on occasion but never overtaking Busch. Despite pulling close enough to implement the tried-and-true “bump and run” ploy, Edwards, in the No. 99 Roush Fenway Ford, settled for second, then made it clear that he still “owes” Busch one.

    “That’s right,” Edwards said. “Kyle wrecked me in Phoenix, and although it was unintentional and Kyle apologized immediately, I made it known to Kyle that I still retain the right to exact payback. I gave him something to worry about. As my primary sponsor for the race, Scott’s EZ Seed, would suggest, I ‘planted’ a seed.”

    As you may have heard, Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his duties as voice of the Aflac duck for some insensitive remarks he posted on Twitter. I heard Kyle, the Keselowski clan, Kevin Harvick, and many of my other rivals got a little excited when they heard that I lost my ‘voice.’”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch was strong all day, leading 153 of 500 laps, including the final 45, to conquer Bristol again, a day after claiming the Nationwide Scotts EZ Seed 300 on Saturday. Busch has now won the last five NASCAR races at Bristol, including the last two Sprint Cup races there. He vaulted eight places in the point standings to sixth, 17 behind older brother Kurt.

    “The word ‘sweep’ has become synonymous with ‘Kyle Busch,’” Busch said. “You can call me ‘The Broom,’ but only under one condition: that you call Carl Edwards ‘The Dustpan,’ because he ate my dust.”

    I understand Edwards ‘owes’ me something. I assume that would be ‘congratulations.’ Maybe Carl should act more and think less when he has a chance to bump me out of the way for a win. I drive with a simple motto in mind: ‘It’s better to owe apologies than to owe congratulations.’”  

    3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh in the Jeff Byrd 500 at Bristol, posting his fourth top-10 finish in as many races this season. Busch took over sole possession of the Sprint Cup point standings, and now leads Carl Edwards by one point.

    “Between my brother Kyle and I,” Busch said, “we have 10 wins at Bristol Motor Speedway. Sure, we face our share of criticism, which is called getting ‘Busch-flacked,’ but we dominate at BMS, and that’s a ‘Busch-fact.’  Edwards should have taken Kyle out when he had the chance. I can promise you that if it would have been me in that situation, Kyle would have been in the wall. As it was, nothing happened. The race itself was a lot like Kyle’s televised wedding on the Style Channel: uneventful.”  

     4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led a race-high 164 laps at Bristol, but finished third behind Kyle Busch and Carl Edwards, who battled for the lead before Kusch pulled away for a comfortable win. Johnson hoped that contact between the two rivals would open the door for the No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet to slip by for the win. As it was, Edwards raced clean, only to regret not racing Busch harder.

    “Carl should have seized his opportunity while Kyle was right in front of him,” Johnson said. “Apparently, Carl took Kyle’s Yosemite Sam ‘Back Off!’ mud flaps a bit too literally. Come November, his failure to act may very well be the difference in finishing second or third in the Chase.”

    Frankly, I’m amazed at all the talk about a so-called ‘feud’ between Kyle and Carl. It may be the first feud in NASCAR history initiated by a driver not wrecking another. I was content to cruise in third and watch the action, or lack of it, unfold in front of me. It reminded me a lot of trailing Denny Hamlin last year, in which I sat back and watched him unravel in front of me.”

    5. Paul Menard: Menard continued his surprising start to the season, working his way to a fifth-place finish at Bristol and again leading the charge for Richard Childress Racing. Menard moved up one spot in the point standings to fifth, only 14 out of first.

    “If you asked ten people on the street,” said Menard, “if they know who Paul Menard is, I’m guessing five would say ‘no.’ Of those five, three would be teammates of mine at RCR. But I don’t mind my lack of recognition and fame. Despite my obscurity, I’ve become one of the most feared drivers on the NASCAR circuit. In fact, some have taken to calling me the ‘Anonymity-ville Horror.’” 

    6. Tony Stewart: Stewart damaged the front end of the No. 14 Office Depot Chevrolet when he rear-ended Stewart-Haas teammate Ryan Newman, as Stewart tried to avoid the spinning No. 47 of Bobby Labonte. The damage incurred only worsened persistent handling problems, and Stewart eventually finished 19th, the last car on the lead lap.

    “Ryan and I both needed repairs after that collision,” Stewart said. “I guess that’s what you call ‘teamwork.’ What can I say, though? There was nowhere I could go. My view was obscured by smoke. ‘View obscured by ‘Smoke?’ That’s a refrain that the chubby version of Tony Stewart heard quite often when he sat in the front row at drivers’ meetings.”

     But times have changed. I’ve slimmed down, gas prices are up, the ‘new’ Kyle Busch is in, and Carl Edwards chickened ‘out.’”  

    7. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 10th at Bristol, posting his third top-10 result of the year, and improving two spots to third in the Sprint Cup point standings. Newman, along with teammate Tony Stewart, trails Kurt Busch by 12 points.

    “It was a solid day for us,” Newman said, “and third in the point standings puts us right in the thick of things. I can’t complain, and I won’t complain, otherwise, people may take to calling me ‘Knock-it Man’ instead of ‘Rocketman,’ which obviously doesn’t apply since I don’t win anything anymore.”

     They don’t call Bristol Motor Speedway the ‘Bull Ring’ for nothing. That became even more evident when they announced the attendance for Sunday’s race, and everyone in the sparsely populated complex uttered a collective ‘Bull!’”

    8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th in the Jeff Byrd 500, just missing his third top-10 finish of the year. He advanced two places in the points standing to crack the Top 10 in ninth, where he trails Kurt Busch by 26.

     “Not only does Junior Nation have a buzz,” Earnhardt said. “Junior Nation is abuzz. Thankfully, most members of the Nation are optimists, which means they see a glass as half-full, which inevitably means they’ll soon make it all empty.”

    “Now, the sales of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. merchandise are booming as always. And we’re hoping that fans will also flock to buy merchandise bearing the likeness of Danica Patrick, who drives for me for JR Motorsports. One particular item is sure to be a hot seller. It’s a pair of ladies underwear balled up and shrink-wrapped in No. 7 GoDaddy.com packaging. We’re calling it ‘Danica Patrick’s Panties In A Wad.’”

     9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick drove the No. 29 Budweiser Chevy to his second top-10 result of the year, leading 37 laps and finishing sixth, right behind Richard Childress Racing teammate Paul Menard in fifth.

     “After such a lackluster start to the season,” Harvick said, “it’s satisfying to finally post a finish worthy of my sponsor, Budweiser. It’s great to be associated with the Budweiser brand and its mascots, such as the Clydesdales and the Dalmation, which, up until Bristol, have both been considered faster than my No. 29 Chevrolet.”

     10. Juan Montoya: A promising day at Bristol was derailed near the halfway point at Bristol when a loose right-front wheel forced Montoya to pit on lap 247. The No. 42 Target Impala dropped two laps down, and Montoya struggled to a 24th-place finish, three laps down.

     “A loose wheel for a loose cannon,” Montoya said. “I was three laps down and even I considered taking Kyle Busch out of the lead. Of course, it wouldn’t have been for the lead, but it would have made good Target practice for the next time. What gives, Carl Edwards? Of all times, this was one when ‘Thunder Valley’ actually needed some ‘thunder.’ As it turned out, Carl was ‘all talk;’ the race was ‘no action.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards took two tires on the final pit stop with 33 laps remaining and held off Tony Stewart, who took four, to win at Las Vegas. Edwards led 69 laps and won for the first time this year, and third in the last five races. The win vaulted him nine places to third in the Sprint Cup point standings, only seven out of first.

    “What does the comically oversized wrench, awarded the victor in Las Vegas, signify?” Edwards asked. “Duh, ‘winning!’ What’s my favorite luxury hotel in Las Vegas? Duh, ‘Wynn!’ Man, since late last year, all we’ve done is put wins in the record books. I wouldn’t go so far as to say ‘I win so radically in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, it’s scary,’ because only Charlie Sheen can do that. Me? I don’t drink coffee, and I don’t wear underwear, but I win anyway. Take that, Sheen!”

    2. Tony Stewart: Stewart led a race-high 163 laps, clearly boasting the day’s best car, but saw the win slip away on the final pit stop. Stewart opted for four tires for the No. 14 Mobil 1/Office Depot Chevrolet with 33 laps remaining, while Carl Edwards took two, which gave him the lead, and eventual win.

    “No one can say we didn’t give it our best shot,” Stewart said. “We left it all out on the track, including the win. To say I’m disappointed is an understatement. In the three races so far this year, I could have won each. But I have to be patient. The wins will come, probably when the weather heats up and I go on my usual mid-season tear. Edwards can have the back flips now; I’ll do ‘summersaults’ later.

    “As you know, I’ll be switching cars with Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton at Watkins Glen this summer. He’s the best at what he does and I’m the best at what I do. And together it’s like, it’s on. It’s epic.”      

     3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Las Vegas, surviving a spin-inducing run-in with Juan Montoya, earning his second top-10 finish of the year and leading one valuable lap in the Kobalt Tools 400. Busch is tied for first with Tony Stewart in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “The last time Stewart and I were in the same place,” Busch said, “I got punched. I shudder to think what he would have done with fire-breathing fists. Luckily, only Charlie Sheen has those. I learned a hard lesson that day. There’s only one thing worse than picking a fight with a warlock, and that’s picking a fight with Tony Stewart.

    “Now, the subject of Stewart’s assault seems like a decent reason to give a shout out to the upcoming release of the movie Sucker Punch. And all this talk of Charlie Sheen begs for the making of the sequel to Platoon, called Buffoon.”

    4. Juan Pablo Montoya: Montoya finished third in the Kobalt Tools 400, racing in the top 10 for most of the day. Montoya led eight laps on Sunday, and jumped five places in the point standings to fourth, seven points out of first.

    “The No. 42 Clorox Chevrolet was fast on Sunday,” Montoya said. “I like to call her ‘Bleached Lightning.’ It’s ironic that NASCAR would allow a bleach product such a prominent advertising role. Why? Because the last thing this sport needs in more ‘whitening.’

    “I may not be the most popular driver here in America, but I’m a total frickin’ rock star in Colombia, which might as well be Mars as far as the typical NASCAR fan is concerned.”

    5. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his second-straight top-5 finish of the year with a fifth at Las Vegas, joining Stewart-Haas teammate Tony Stewart, who finished second in the top 5. Newman is fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, ten points out of first.

    “Obviously, Tony should have won the race,” Newman said. “Had he not been penalized for leaving his pit stall with the air hose still attached, we’d be celebrating a Stewart victory. And speaking of ‘air ho’s,’ Charlie Sheen’s been on television an awful lot lately talking about his live-in ‘goddesses.’ Hey Charlie, that’s not Adonis DNA and tiger blood coursing through your veins. It’s penicillin.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch, a Las Vegas native, saw his day at his home track end abruptly when the engine of the No. 18 blew on lap 107, just 20 laps after a blown tire had sent him into the wall. Busch, in the Snickers Penaut Butter Squared Toyota, finished 38th.

    “There was absolutely no indication the engine would go,” Busch said. “It was a lot like Charlie Sheen: it just ‘quit’ with no reasonable explanation. Then it caught on fire. That sucks. What do you call an engine that’s afire and has gone kaput? ‘Hot Shot.’ Hopefully, I won’t have to experience that again. Incidentally, that’s what moviegoers said after the first installment of Hot Shots.

    “As you may know, my New Year’s Eve wedding to Samantha Sarcinella was televised on the Style Channel last Saturday. It’s a monogamy story. It’s like an organic union of the hearts. Apparently, people watched it despite all that.”

    7. Paul Menard: Menard climbed to sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings after a solid 12th-place finish at Las Vegas. He’s leading the way for Richard Childress Racing so far, as teammates Clint Bowyer, Kevin Harvick, and Jeff Burton sit 18th, 20th, and 31st in the standings.

    “I’m the new guy at RCR,” Menard said, “and although I wasn’t blessed with top-billing, Adonis DNA, or tiger blood, I nevertheless have talent that significantly contributes to the team. You could say I’m ‘carrying’ RCR right now. I’m the consummate teammate. I carry jock straps, and I carry the torch.” 

     8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon’s No. 24 Dupont Chevrolet blew a tire and slammed the wall, sending him to the garage and leaving him with a disappointing 36th-place finish. The result halted the momentum Gordon established with last week’s breakthrough win at Phoenix, and sent him tumbling down the point standings.

    “What are Robby Gordon and Kevin Conway guilty of in Las Vegas?” Gordon said. “Duh! Sinning! Gordon should proceed with caution, though. In light of Conway’s Extenze sponsorship, charges aren’t the only thing Gordon could have pressed against him.

    “As for my tire, it exploded like the body of someone who tried the drug ‘Charlie Sheen,’ which, not surprisingly, only comes in ‘pill’ form.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 7th at Las Vegas, posting his first top-10 result of the year, to lead the way for on an otherwise disappointing day for Joe Gibbs Racing. JGR teammates Joey Logano and Kyle Busch finished 23rd and 36th, respectively, with Busch suffering a blown engine just 107 laps into the race.

    “It was a good result after two unsatisfactory finishes to start the season,” Hamlin said. “The No. 11 Fed Ex team is still finding its groove, and I’m still battling through some lingering pain from last year’s knee surgery. Painkillers have helped. I’m on a drug called ‘Charlie Sheen’ that alleviates the pain in my knee. Unfortunately, it has one glaring side effect: it causes severe pain in the ass.

    “Despite my teammates’ troubles at Vegas, the JGR squad is totally capable of competing for the Sprint Cup title. Obviously, Kyle and I are perennial favorites, while Logano is probably just 2-3 years away from sharing that distinction. So, you could say that JGR has ’Two And A Half Men’ capable of winning the Sprint Cup championship.”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson battled handling issues and struggled in the Kobalt Tools 400, finishing 16th. Johnson’s No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet team never unlocked the right adjustments, and last year’s Las Vegas winner posted a disappointing finish after last week’s third at Phoenix.

    “What’s a bigger story than all of Charlie Sheen’s boasts of ‘winning?’” Johnson said. “Me not winning. That truly is gnarly. But I’m not fretting. Like Sheen, I’m making things interesting. And, like Sheen, I’ve got one gear. I’m not sure what his only gear is, but mine is ‘first,’ because that’s where I always finish.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: With wins in the Camping World and Nationwide series already logged, Busch fell just short of the triple, finishing second to Jeff Gordon in the Subway Fresh Fit 500. Busch took the lead at Phoenix on lap 291 and held on until lap 304, when Gordon muscled by him for the lead. Busch now leads the Sprint Cup point standings with a 3-point edge over older brother Kurt.

     “Natalie Portman dazzled with her Oscar-winning role in Black Swan,” Busch said. “Next up for Ms. Portman? Playing the lead role in the story of Teresa Earnhardt, in a film entitled White Loon.”

     “There may be room for only one black swan in ‘Swan Lake,’ but in the Busch family, everyone, relatives and competitors alike, will tell you there’sroom for two ‘black sheep.’”

     2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon snapped his 66-race winless streak, capping a dominating day in Phoenix by passing Kyle Busch with 8 laps to go and cruising to the victory. Gordon tied Cale Yarbrough for fifth on the all-time wins list, with 83, and ended a near two-year run of frustration.

     “In the spirit of Aron Ralston, subject of the Oscar-nominated movie 127 Hours,” Gordon said, “I’d like to have my left arm raised in victory as opposed to my right. Ralston showed great courage in the face of a harrowing predicament, just like me, except I did it for nearly two years, as opposed to a measly 127 hours.”

     “I’m just thankful my winless streak has been halted. It was long and grueling. Now, some other famous driver will be known for his winless streak, and I’m thrilled I’ll no longer be known for having the ‘longest skid’ mark.”

     3. Carl Edwards: Edwards set a track record in Saturday’s qualifying in taking the pole, but his opportunity to show off that speed fizzled when he was forced off the track when Kyle Busch’s No. 18 Combo’s Toyota got loose on lap 60. Edwards’ No. 99 Subway Fusion ran over the curb and into the grass, causing serious front-end damage. Repairs cost Edwards 60 laps, and he finished 28th.

    “What did they say after the last award was handed out at the Academy Awards?” Edwards asked. “’We just ran out of talent.’ That’s quite similar to what Kyle Busch said in his apology to me. But seriously, Kyle showed contrition and remorse, so there was no need for a confrontation. I think what we’re seeing this year are kinder, gentler versions of both Kyle and I. We both believe we can win the Sprint Cup, and we both realize rash behavior can quickly derail those hopes.”

    “By no means am I a lover, and I’m definitely not The Fighter, the movie in which Christian Bale earned an Oscar for best supporting actor. On that note, what do you call it when Trevor Bayne goes all the way from winning the Daytona 500 to a 40th in Phoenix? A ‘Christian Bail.’”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch started second at Phoenix and posted his second top-10 result of the season, finishing 8th in the Subway Fresh Fit 500. Difficulty in the corners prevented the No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge from challenging for the win, but Busch headed to Las Vegas content with a solid points-paying day and the knowledge that the Busch brothers occupy to top two spots in the point standings.

     “If our parents ever doubted our decisions to race professionally,” Busch said, “I’d just like to say to Mom and Dad, ‘The Kids Are All Right.’ And while we’re on the subject of the Academy Awards, I’d like to congratulate Kyle for winning the ‘best actor’ award at Phoenix, for making his apology to Carl Edwards seem genuine. Now that’s acting!”

    5. Tony Stewart: Stewart led 59 laps at Phoenix, second only to Jeff Gordon’s 138, and finished 7th, joining Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Ryan Newman, who finished 5th, in the top 10. Stewart is 4th in the point standings, 11 out of first.

     “Two races into the season,” Stewart said, “and we’ve had a car capable of winning both times. I’m pleased that we’ve been so competitive early in the season. Usually, I don’t get warmed up until Winter’s Bone gives way to ‘Summer’s Boon.’”

     “As you may know, Winter’s Bone tells the story of a meth-addled family in the Ozark’s. You may know it by its alternate title, Mayfield’s In The Mountains.” 

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson qualified a disappointing 28th on Saturday, but the No. 48 Lowe’s team unlocked the speed in Johnson’s Impala, courtesy of numerous adjustments and quick work in the pits. Johnson moved up to third on lap 294 and held off Kevin Harvick to post his first top-5 of the year.

     “I’ve got to hand it to Chad Knaus for making the right calls,” Johnson said. “It’s been said that everything Chad touches turns to gold. Once upon a time, that meant everything ‘turned to gold’ for NASCAR, assuming they converted fines levied against Knaus into gold.”

     “There’s a lot of drivers claiming they can win the Sprint Cup championship. But, let’s face it, we all know whose name will be called come November. The Academy Awards has one thing NASCAR lacks when the words ‘And the winner is…’ are spoken: suspense.”

     7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick rebounded from engine failure at Daytona to finish a solid 4th at Phoenix, leading one lap and collecting a valuable 41 points. The No. 29 Jimmy John’s Chevrolet found trouble early, with a slow pit stop followed by a spin triggered by contact in front of him.

     “Daytona was hard to swallow,” said Harvick, “but our performance at Phoenix gives me confidence that this team is capable of a championship. Much like the themes in the Oscar-nominated film Inception, a ‘seed has been planted,’ instilling us with the confidence that we can do it. Those who doubt me may very well say ‘in your dreams,’ but just look on the hood of my car, where the words ‘Jimmy John’s’ appear. How can one say we’re not championship material when nearly the entire name of 5-time Cup champion Jimmie Johnson is on my hood?”  

     8. A.J. Allmendinger: Allmendinger validated his 11th in the Daytona 500 with a 9th at Phoenix, sporting Ford’s only top-10 finisher. He’s third in the Sprint Cup point standings, 11 behind Kyle Busch.

     “As the driver of the No. 43 car for Richard Petty Motorsports,” Allmendinger said, “a lot is expected of me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Before every race, I get a pep talk from Petty, and I can tell you first-hand that nothing inspires more than The King’s Speech.”

    9. Mark Martin: Martin overcame slight damage after contact with Kevin Harvick’s No. 29 car to pilot the No. 5 GoDaddy.com Chevrolet to a 13th-place finish at Phoenix. It was a banner day for Hendrick Motorsports, as Jeff Gordon won for the first time in 66 races and all four HMS cars placed in the top 13. Martin is now 6th in the point standing, 65 behind Kyle Busch.

     “As I very well know,” Martin said, “there’s no shame in coming in second, or coming in 13th, especially here at Hendrick. As the low man on the totem pole on a team consisting of a 5-time champion, a 4-time champion, and NASCAR’s most popular driver, The Social Network here affords me the chance to rub shoulders with greatness. I’m a popular driver in my own right. Heck, everybody ‘likes’ me. I expect one day, when I update my status to ‘retired’ for good, I’ll be honored with a lifetime achievement award.”

     10. Ryan Newman: Newman led 7 laps and finished fifth in the Subway Fresh Fit 500, joining Stewart-Haas teammate Tony Stewart, who finished 7th, in the top 10. Newman improved 13 places in the point standings to 9th, and trails Kyle Busch by 16.

     “This is a team to be reckoned with,” Newman said. “Tony and I have a great working relationship, unlike the one I had with former teammate Rusty Wallace. That association was abrasive, so abrasive that one could call it True Grit. Rusty and I never saw eye to eye, even when we both were wearing eyepatches.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Trevor Bayne: Bayne, in the No. 21 Wood Brothers Motorcraft car, stunned the racing world, becoming the youngest Daytona 500 winner in history. With a momentous push from Bobby Labonte’s No. 47 car, Bayne held off the hard-charging Carl Edwards, taking the victory in only his second Sprint Cup start. Afterwards, the deeply-spiritual Bayne thanked the Lord, who brushed off the comment, saying He was a Junior fan.

    “That’s called ‘using the Lord’s name in Bayne,’” Bayne said, “and then being told you’re ‘using the Lord’s name in vain.’

    But I made history. Not only by becoming the youngest winner in history, but by becoming the first Daytona winner to be eliminated from Cup championship contention before the race. And I can’t think of a better birthday present for my 20th birthday. Hopefully, this win will lead to a long NASCAR career, because I’ll need plenty of time to live up to this.

    As for now, the team and I are trying to make this moment last, and sell as many ‘Got Wood?’ merchandise as possible.”

    2. Kurt Busch: Busch, with wins in the Bud Shootout and Gatorade Duels already under his belt, was in contention in his bid to complete the triple with a Daytona 500 win. But the driver of the No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge came up a bit short, unable to find a path to the lead, and settled for fourth. Busch lamented that he should have gone low on the back straightaway instead of selecting the middle line.

    “I just couldn’t find the right partner at the right time,” Busch said. “And that’s quite ironic in a race characterized by more coupling than a Tim Richmond key party, circa 1986. And one marked by just as many partner exchanges, as well.”

    3. Carl Edwards: As the green flag waved for the final green-white-checkered finish, Edwards was 10th, seemingly out of position to make a run for the win. But after linking up with David Gilliland’s No. 34 Taco Bell car, Edwards and the No. 99 Aflac Ford surged forward and into second behind Trevor Bayne. Edwards tried a pass for the lead, unsuccessfully, and finished second.

    “How about this new points system?” Edwards said. “I love it. You finish second, and you’re in first. I’m sure Mark Martin could appreciate it as well.

    I really got a strong push from Gilliland. I must say, it’s not the first time I’ve been backed up by Taco Bell. And it’s quite unfortunate that my Roush Fenway teammate David Ragan was black-flagged for passing before the start-finish line on the penultimate restart. I know UPS prides itself on promptness, but this time, they were a bit too early. David learned the hard way that ‘once you get ‘black,’ you can’t go back,’ to the front.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 8th at Daytona, remaining in the hunt until the end after surviving several incidents, early and late in the race, before closing strong. The No. 18 M&M’s Toyota was spun by Michael Waltrip on lap 5, and a lap 198 melee clipped Busch and caused a tire rub that forced a late pit stop. He led 3 laps on the day and led the way in an otherwise disappointing day for Joe Gibbs Racing.

    “It’s unfortunate to be wrecked by another driver,” Busch said. “It’s even more unfortunate to be wrecked by another Toyota driver. Sure, these cars are Japanese, but I didn’t order ‘take out.’

    Then, Waltrip triggered another crash, the Big One, on lap 29, by doing the same thing to David Reutimann, another Toyota driver, and Waltrip’s teammate. I think it’s official: when Waltrip trails you, it’s like being followed by the ‘Grim Reaper.’ When it happens again, it’s akin to being stalked by the ‘Grim Reappear.’”

    5. Tony Stewart: Stewart started second on the final restart at Daytona, but the line led by race leader Trevor Bayne got the jump on the restart. Stewart attempted to slide in to the fast lane, but was shuffled back in the scramble, and ended up a disappointing 13th.

    “Trevor Bayne ran a great race,” Stewart said. “It’s a life-changing experience that I hope he’s ready for. He’ll soon be deluged with an onslaught of ‘yes men,’ and, if he’s lucky, even more ‘yes women.’

    As you know, I won the Nationwide race on Saturday, while Michael Waltrip won the Camping World trucks race on Friday night. That means all three Daytona winners are not even eligible for the respective series championships. Brian France was right; the new scoring system is much simpler. There’s a common leader among all three series, because, whether Camping World, Nationwide, or Sprint Cup series, ‘confusion’ reigns.”

    6. Juan Montoya: Montoya led 5 laps and finished sixth in an action-filled Daytona 500 after surviving two skirmishes that slightly damaged the No. 42 Target Dodge. Montoya teamed up early with teammate Jamie McMurray, but when McMurray lost a cylinder, Montoya was forced to look elsewhere for a draft partner.

    “I thought Jamie did well considering he was driving on 7 cylinders,” said Montoya. “He should be used to it. With the exception of Daytona, Indianapolis, and Charlotte, he drove that way in all of 2010.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s defense of his five consecutive Sprint Cup titles started auspiciously with a 27th-place finish, 19 laps off the pace. Johnson’s No. 48 Lowe’s Chevy was sucked into a lap 29 pileup started when Michael Waltrip sent David Reutimann spinning. Johnson nearly escaped danger, but was collected by the spinning No. 00 car.

    “First,” Johnson said, “the good news for all of the anti-Jimmie Johnson factions: I didn’t win the Daytona 500. Now, the bad news: I didn’t win the Daytona 500, in 4 of the last 5 years. And, as everyone is well aware, I’ve got enough Cups to outfit the starting five to any basketball team.

    Daytona boasted a record 74 lead changes. Just don’t expect one at the end of the year.”

    8. Bobby Labonte: Labonte, the 46-year-old 2000 Winston Cup champion, pushed 20-year-old Trevor Bayne to a lead on the final restart the No. 21 Wood Brothers car would never relinquish. Labonte eventually finished fourth, his first top-5 finish since Las Vegas in 2009, and places him third in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “Just call me ‘The Cougar,’” Labonte said. “Because I pushed someone much younger than me into something for which he probably wasn’t quite ready. Does that make me a ‘statutory racer?’ Not in Florida.

    Anyway, I’m proud to give JTG Daugherty Racing such a great finish. They have a great program with great leadership, as well as great ownership. I love working for Brad Daugherty. Among former NBA player/black hillbilly car owners, he’s by far my favorite.”

    9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: With several notable favorites, including Hendrick teammates Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson, as well as the entirety of Richard Childress Racing, nursing battered cars, the stars were aligning for what would have been a historic and sentimental Earnhardt victory. But after surviving one green-white-checkered restart, the No. 88 Amp Energy car was collected in the second, and Earnhardt finished 24th, six laps down.

    “That’s when ‘Junior Nation’ becomes ‘Junior Damn! Nation,’” Earnhardt said. “And that’s the nature of superspeedway racing. Some drivers take the attitude of ‘going for broke’ a bit too literally.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led 31 laps at Daytona, second only to Ryan Newman’s 37, and was charging with 4 laps to go before being victimized in the final pileup of the day. Bowyer, despite extensive damage, stayed on the lead lap and finished 17th.

    “It was an up-and-down day for Richard Childress Racing,” Bowyer said. “While Paul Menard scored a top-10 finish, Kevin Harvick and Jeff Burton suffered engine failures. In his first Cup race with the ‘King Of Beers’ on the hood, Harvick’s No. 29 car said ‘This Bud Is Through.’ Burton’s Caterpillar Chevy wasn’t much better, and became ‘heavy equipment’ only for a tow truck when the No. 31’s engine expired on lap 92.”

  • NASCAR 2011 Predictions

    NASCAR 2011 Predictions

    *In response to NASCAR’s requirement that drivers can only compete for the title in a single series, Jimmie Johnson quickly proclaims his intentions for the Sprint Cup championship. In a related development, Sam Hornish, Jr. declares that although he will be racing, he won’t be competing for titles in any series.

    *Jeff Gordon slips past Clint Bowyer on the final turn to win at Phoenix on February 27th, snapping his 65-race losing streak. Riding a wave of momentum not felt in nearly three years, a jubilant Gordon vows to “finish what he started,” and does exactly that, finishing 34th the following week at Las Vegas, ending his one-race winning streak.

    *Dale Earnhardt, Jr. wins the Daytona 500 by .33 seconds over the No. 33 car of Clint Bowyer, leading 33 laps.   

     *NASCAR’s new points system, which logically awards 43 points to the race winner down to one point for 43rd place, is a big hit, particularly among math-challenged racing fans. However, midway through the season, NASCAR’s dimwitted CEO Brian France inexplicably orders a return to the old format, deeming the month of July “Throwback Month” in NASCAR. Then, just as suddenly, he demands a change back to the 43-point system. Subsequently, Brad Daugherty creates a firestorm when, on Showtime’s “Inside NASCAR” program, he says that the points system “has seen more ‘tweaking’ than the Mayfield family.”

     *Tony Stewart is involved in his second altercation with an Australian in less than three months when he slugs a kangaroo at a roadside petting zoo in rural Tennessee. Stewart is charged with assault and is ordered to undergo counseling under the conditions of a plea deal. As an extra measure of good will towards Australians, Stewart finances a new racing team, called Gibb Racing, and presents it to the Bee Gees. In addition, at Stewart’s Prelude To A Dream charity race at Eldora Speedway, Stewart has participants draw qualifying numbers from the pouch of his new pet wallaby, “Mojo-ey.”

     *After a solid 13th-place finish in the Daytona 500, Kevin Conway’s Nemco Motorsports No. 97 ExtenZe Toyota fails a post-race inspection due to a rear spoiler that measures 3/16 of an inch too high. The No. 97 team proclaims innocence, and cunningly claims that the increase in length must be due to ExtenZe sponsorship. This leads to a huge marketing push for the brand in ads featuring the catchy slogan, “ExtenZe: For Those Times When You (Or She) Can’t Take It No Longer.”

     *After Jimmie Johnson opens up a sizable lead four races into the season after a controversial win at Bristol on April 3rd, a radical group of conspiracy theorists coin Johnson’s quest for six straight Sprint Cup titles as “The Fix For Six.” However, an injunction filed by twice-dead Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx, who had previously copyrighted “The Fix For Sixx” as the title of the sequel to his 2007 autobiography The Heroin Diaries, puts an end to the use of the title.

     The conspiracy theories live on, to such a degree that Jesse Ventura is seen lurking around the Lowe’s hauler at Daytona in July.   

     *Kurt Busch, in the No. 22 car sporting the Shell/Pennzoil paint scheme made famous by Kevin Harvick, revels in his newfound ability to “get under Harvick’s skin.” Busch and Harvick tangle at Bristol on March 20th as Busch sends Harvick’s No. 29 Budweiser car spinning. Harvick exacts revenge later, jumping Busch in the garage area, where he backhands the Penske driver, who falls and bumps his head on his car. Busch loses all memory of his time in the Miller Lite car, and Harvick boasts of his ability to slap the “tastes great” out of Busch’s mouth.  

     *Denny Hamlin sweeps the 2011 season’s two Martinsville races, outdueling Jimmie Johnson on both occasions. After winning the Tums Fast Relief 500 in October, Hamlin takes the Chase lead by a 21-point margin. Crew chief Mike Ford unwisely questions the ability of the No. 48 team, and all but guarantees Hamlin will end Johnson’s five-year reign.

     Later, at the NASCAR awards banquet in December at the Wynn Las Vegas, Johnson is feted as champion, while Ford amazes those in attendance, including magician Criss Angel and illusionists Penn and Teller, by eating crow with a foot in his mouth.

     *After a sparse crowd of 45,000 attends March 27th’s Auto Club 400 in Fontana, heated arguments ensue, not only among those debating whether or not California should remain on the Sprint Cup schedule, but also between pessimists and optimists, who can’t decide if the stands were half-empty or half-full.

     *Pop diva Christina Aguilera returns to Texas after botching the national anthem at February’s Super Bowl in Dallas, this time to perform the song before the Samsung Mobil 500 on April 9th in Fort Worth. Bolstered by a throng of over 90,000 appreciative fans, all holding placards that, when raised, spell out the words to the “Star Spangled Banner,” Aguilera nails the lyrics. Aguilera then jams with Texas icons ZZ Top on “Got Me Under Pressure” during an after-race concert, where she fails to see the irony of the song.

     Kasey Kahne wins the race, giving Red Bull Racing its first and only win of the year.   

     *After Carl Edwards and Brad Keselowski crash at Kansas on June 5th in the Kansas Speedway 400, tensions flare in the garage area as Edwards stalks his nemesis, while Keselowski angrily does the same. The two finally meet near the NASCAR hauler, where the two rivals feverishly engage, surprisingly in a passionate embrace, as both later cite the need to “keep their friends close, and their enemies closer.”

     Keselowski’s father, Bob, is moved to tears, of disgust, and disowns his son.

     *Matt Kenseth takes a stroll through the Talladega infield on April 16th, the day before the Aaron’s 499, and goes unnoticed. He then takes the same walk wearing his drivers suit, yet still goes unrecognized. He finally experiences a moderate level of acknowledgement when he dons a Dale Earnhart, Jr. baseball cap, and is mobbed by adoring fans, of Earnhardt’s.

     In Sunday’s race, Kenseth survives three big crashes that take out a total of 21 cars, including the rest of the Roush Fenway stable, and holds on for the win after two attempts at a green-white-checkered finish.

     *Danica Patrick wins the Nationwide NAPA Auto Parts 200 at Circuit Gilles Villeneuve when leader Marcos Ambrose stalls his car on lap 73 under caution, causing a 13 car pileup behind him. Patrick, running 14th, takes the checkered flag under caution.

     A wild celebration in Victory Lane ensues, as the No. 7 GoDaddy.com team pops the tops on a case of champagne, dousing Patrick, who then invites viewers to log on to GoDaddy.com, where, for a nominal fee of $9.95, they can view the unrated remainder of the celebration, as well as receive a four-pack of ShamWows and a t-shirt that reads “Sucker” across the front.    

     *Jimmie Johnson heads into the 2011 season finale at Homestead with a 19-point lead over Kevin Harvick, and secures his sixth consecutive Sprint Cup championship with a fourth-place finish. Johnson, only one title shy of the 7 achieved by Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt, sports a t-shirt that reads “I Am Legend.” Meanwhile, Hendrick teammate Jeff Gordon, finding his legacy of 4 Cups diminishing with every Johnson triumph, dons a similar t-shirt, with a design that asks “Am I Legend?”

    *A rejuvenated Kyle Busch, buoyed by a new, calmer demeanor resulting from a Far Eastern-flavored regimen of hypnosis and acupuncture, adopts the nickname “Rowdy Doody,” and enjoys the support of a new, appreciative fan base, dubbed the “M&M Peanut Gallery.”

    *Busch wins 7 races and heads into the Chase with the top seed, but falters at New Hampshire after winning the previous week at Chicago. Busch prematurely declares his Cup hopes dashed, then whines incessantly about his bad luck, leading to an ESPN.com headline of “Over And (P)out.”

    *After a broken drive shaft on lap 153 knocks Mark Martin out of the race at Dover on May 15th, Martin takes to Twitter via his mobile phone to report the situation. Martin draws comparisons to Brett Favre after texting a photo of the damaged equipment, a picture he unfortunately tags with the caption, “Take a good look at my shaft.”

     Martin misses the Chase and finishes 18th in the standings, then announces his retirement in an echo chamber. 

     *Clint Bowyer wins the One Last Race To Make The Chase 400 at Richmond on September 10, and thanks his teammates, and Dr. Seuss, for making the win possible. Bowyer earns the sixth seed in the Chase For The Cup. The Chase field is set as follows (in order): Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin, Kevin Harvick, Jimmie Johnson, Carl Edwards, Bowyer, Matt Kenseth, Greg Biffle, Jeff Gordon, Kurt Busch, Joey Logano, and Juan Montoya.

     *Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith gets the 2011 Chase For The Cup underway, waving the green flag at Chicagoland Speedway on September 18th under threatening skies. With Kyle Busch leading after 200 laps, the skies open up, and thunderstorms drench the track. Fittingly, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler mans the red flag, signaling the field that the race is over at the halfway point.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished second at Homestead, easily overcoming Denny Hamlin’s 15-point lead entering the race, to capture his fifth-straight Sprint Cup title. Johnson handily outdistanced Hamlin, who finish 14th, by 39 points, and Kevin Harvick, who finished third, by 41.

    “It’s ‘one for the middle finger,’” Johnson said, “as opposed to Kyle Busch’s ‘25,000 for the middle finger.’

    But my fifth title is one I’ll certainly remember, as well as one that others will find it hard to forget. Five championships is a lot, but I want to remain humble, as well as hungry. Therefore, when people ask me how many Cups I’ve won, I’ll simply say a ‘handful.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin found trouble early at Homestead, making contact with Greg Biffle on lap 23 and sliding through the infield grass. With his splitter damaged, Hamlin was forced to make numerous pit stops for repairs, and never completely recovered. He finished 14th, and ended the season second in the points, 39 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I wasn’t the only Joe Gibbs driver to slide through the infield grass,” Hamlin said, “and see his hopes go up in flames.

    But there’s always next year. Unfortunately, Johnson says the same thing, and as we know, with five titles under his belt, he’s always next year.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick appeared to have the race lead after pit stops during a lap 187 caution, but NASCAR officials nabbed him for speeding on the entry to pit road. He was sent to the back of the field, but quickly made his way back to the front. However, with Jimmie Johnson’s second-place finish, Harvick’s third was little to no consolation. Harvick ended the year third in the points, 41 out of first.

    “I sent one Joe Gibbs driver and one Kasey Kahne crewman to the infield care center,” Harvick said, “and barely turned heads. Yet I’m penalized for exceeding a snail’s pace entering the pits. Sounds like I wasn’t the only one who got screwed.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards won the Ford 400 at Homestead, dominating with 190 laps lead on the way to his second straight win. He finished fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 229 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “That’s what I call ending the season on a high note,” Edwards said. “The high note, that is, of the fat lady singing, because as soon as I crossed the line, it was ‘over’ for everyone but Jimmie Johnson.

    Now, I hesitate to call myself the favorite to challenge Johnson for next year’s Cup. That was the consensus in 2008, when I won nine races and was annointed the next Cup champion. I followed that with a winless 2009 with Aflac as my primary sponsor. Maybe the duck on the hood of my car explains the egg laying.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth in the Ford 400, his 15th top-10 result of the year. He finished fifth in the point standings, 328 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Congratulations to Johnson,” Kenseth said. “The ‘Drive For Five’ is complete. And for all those conspiracy theorists who think NASCAR favoritism helped Johnson to the Cup title, they’ll be saddened to know that Johnson’s quest in 2011 has unofficially been titled ‘The Fix For Six.’”

    6. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 10th at Homestead, posting his 19th top-10 finish of the year. Biffle and Denny Hamlin made contact on lap 23, sending Hamlin’s No. 11 Fed Ex Toyota spinning through the infield grass.

    “I vowed at the beginning of the year that I would have an impact in the Chase,” Biffle said. “Well, Jimmie Johnson isn’t the only one who can say ‘mission accomplished.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch, seeking his second consecutive weekend sweep of winning all three series races, came up short at Homestead, crashing when Kevin Harvick bumped him into the wall on lap 243. Busch’s No. 18 M&M’s Toyota burst into flames, and Busch directed some heated words towards Harvick afterwards.

    “Harvick is a reckless buffoon,” Busch said. “He’s a menace to notoriety. We all know M&M’s melt in your mouth, but it’s obvious he wanted to find out if Kyle Busch melts in the M&M’s car. I don’t. I just boil.”

    8. Tony Stewart: Stewart scored his first top 10 since winning at California on October 10th with an eighth in the Ford 400. He improved two places in the points to seventh, and completes the season a distant 401 behind Johnson.

    “Congratulations to Jimmie Johnson,” Stewart said. “He may deserve a hand, but he’ll probably need two to indicate Cup titles 6 through 10.”

    9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon blew his engine on lap 199, ending a disappointing 2010 season with even more disappointment. He was winless this year, his second winless season in the last three, and tumbled three places in the points to ninth.

    “Last week,” said Gordon, “my attack on Jeff Burton showed just one of the many ways I can ‘lose it.’ This week, I lost an engine, and another race. But, there’s a silver lining to Jimmie Johnson’s fifth Sprint Cup title. His championship allowed me to reach a milestone, as now I’ve become the only active four-time Cup champion. Thanks Jimmie!”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home 12th at Homestead, finishing the season tenth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 467 out of first.

    “I can certainly share in the disappointment that my teammate Kevin Harvick must be feeling,” said Bowyer. “NASCAR obviously has it out for Richard Childress Racing. First, I win in New Hampshire, and the next thing you know, my car has failed inspection. At Homestead, Harvick takes the lead, and boom! Here comes a penalty for speeding. Jimmie Johnson may not, but at least NASCAR recognizes us as a threat to his reign.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note these are all fictional
    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin lead 190 of 312 laps at Phoenix, but a late stop for fuel cost him a chance at the win and nearly cost him the points lead. He entered the race with a 33-point lead, and after finishing 12th, left with a 15-point edge over Jimmie Johnson.
    “Points can evaporate as quickly as gas,” Hamlin said. “But you can tell Jimmie Johnson that Denny Hamlin isn’t ‘going away.’ He can say that the magnitude of the situation got to me, but the truth is, the only pressure I was feeling was fuel pressure.”
    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fifth in the Kobalt Tools 500, conserving fuel over the final laps, and cut deeply into the points lead of Denny Hamlin, who had to pit for fuel with 14 laps remaining. With one race remaining, Johnson trails Hamlin by 15 points.
    “Hamlin’s 33-point lead is now 15 points,” Johnson said. “And speaking of things that were ‘cut in half,’ the ‘48’ pit crew became the ‘24’ pit crew in Phoenix.
    This is the closest Chase For The Cup in history with one race to go. There are three drivers with a shot at the Cup, which is three times what I’m used to. This Chase may be different from all the others, in that someone may actually get ‘caught.’”
    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick bounced back from a pit mishap to score a sixth at Phoenix, and positioned himself for a decent shot for the Sprint Cup championship. Harvick is 46 points behind Denny Hamlin, and will need a solid finish at Homestead, along with trouble for Hamlin and Jimmie Johnson, for an unlikely championship.
    “I have no problem wishing ill will on others,” Harvick said. “But, as Hamlin can attest, I’ve even better at directing ill will toward others.
    Hamlin and Johnson have proven to have the most formidable cars this season, race in and race out. But there’s something that travels even faster than they do, and that’s bad news.”
    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards ended a 70-race winless streak, taking the Kobalt Tools 500 for his first Sprint Cup win since Homestead in 2008. Edwards also won Saturday’s Nationwide Wypall 200 to complete the weekend sweep. He is now fourth in the Sprint Cup standings, 264 out of first.
    “Kyle Busch may have done it first with his double-barreled middle finger display last week in Texas,” Edwards said. “But I’m proud to say I’m the latest to pull off the ‘flippin’ double.’”
    5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished 11th at Phoenix, as handling issues handicapped his efforts and placed him on the verge of his second winless season. He is sixth in the point standings, 338 out of first.
    “I’m not sure what I’ve lost more of this year,” Gordon said. “Races, or respect for Jeff Burton.
    Once again, Chad Knaus has proven that he’s the most astute crew chief in the business. On Johnson’s final pit stop, Knaus immediately called for Johnson to conserve fuel, while the tactic didn’t even cross Mike Ford’s mind until much later. So, it seems I’m not the only Hendrick driver who’s capable of beating someone else to the punch.”
    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh in the Kobalt Tools 500, his second straight top-10 finish and 13th of the year. He is now fifth in the point standings, 311 out of first.
    “Carl Edwards had a great week in Phoenix,” Kenseth said. “He’s got plenty to build on for next year. Greg Biffle’s got two wins this year, but I believe he’s ready for this year to be done. I am as well, but to a greater extent. Collectively, you can call us ‘Done And Doner.’”
    7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished an uneventful 13th at Phoenix, one week after being fined $25,000 for an obscene gesture directed at a NASCAR official at Texas. Busch now sits seventh in the points, 347 out of first.
    “I guess paying $25,000 for a middle finger,” Busch said, “is what’s known as having your ‘emotions in check.’”
    8. Greg Biffle: Biffle benefitted from several frontrunners falling short on fuel to pull out a fourth-place finish at Phoenix, his ninth top 5 of the year. He improved one spot in the Sprint Cup point standings to eighth, 349 out of first.
    “This Chase For The Cup has had everything,” Biffle said. “Trash talk, physical confrontations, flying car parts, and failed inspections. Or, as I like to say, ‘a Carl Edwards career retrospective.’”
    9. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Phoenix, his 16th top-10 result and fifth consecutive finish of seventh or better.
    “I’ve served notice that I’ll be a force to contend with next year,” Logano said. “Hopefully, I’ll be a force to contend with in the Chase, and not out. My recent finishes make one thing crystal clear, though. And that’s that I’ll have a good view for the finish of this year’s Chase.”
    10. Kurt Busch: Busch started third and finished ninth at Phoenix, posting his 17th top-10 finish of the year. He moved up one spot to tenth in the point standings, and trails Denny Hamlin by 429.
    “This is shaping up to be the most exciting Chase finish in history,” Busch said. “The anticipation is overwhelming. Everyone, and not just racing fans, is talking about Hamlin, Johnson, and Harvick. So much that even my ears are burning. And I lost all feeling in those years ago.”
  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won at Texas, leading 31 laps in the AAA Texas 500 to wrest the points lead in the Sprint Cup standings from four-time defending Cup champ Jimmie Johnson. Hamlin entered with a 14-point deficit and left with a 33-point advantage.

    “The No. 11 Fed Ex Toyota was awesome,” Hamlin said. “That’s what you call a five-star, triple-A, one-asterisk performance. My victory completes the season sweep at Texas, proving that I ‘don’t mess in Texas.’

    Of course, I’m no longer the ‘hunter;’ now I’m the ‘hunted,’ and the proud owner of two imitation six-shooters. I’m the big gun now, so, among Joe Gibbs Racing drivers, I’m the straight shooter, while Kyle Busch is the loose cannon.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth at Texas, behind his two closest Chase competitors, Denny Hamlin and Kevin Harvick, who finished first and sixth, respectively. Johnson is now second in the point standings, 33 behind Hamlin.

    “33 points is by no means an insurmountable lead,” Johnson said. “If asked by a distinguished gentleman if I could overcome such a deficit, I would confidently state, ‘I’m able to mount that, sir.’

    But I could stand here and blame it all on my pit crew. They made so many errors, I wanted to go ‘Jeff Gordon’ on them. Which is actually what I did when Chad Knaus dumped the 48 crew for Gordon’s pit team.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick battled to a sixth-place finish in the AAA Texas 500, keeping himself solidly in the hunt for the Sprint Cup championship. Harvick is third in the point standings, 59 behind Hamlin in first, and 26 behind Johnson.

    “There’s a dogfight for the Sprint Cup,” Harvick said, “and a ‘catfight’ over Jeff Burton’s driving of the No. 31 Caterpillar Chevrolet. Both Burton and Jeff Gordon are well out of contention for the Sprint Cup, so I don’t know why all the fuss. Their conflict is much like the remnants of their cars after their accident last Sunday—a ‘meaningless scrap.’”

    4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth equaled his best finish of the year with a second at Texas, nearly taking the checkered before succumbing to Denny Hamlin’s charge. Kenseth jumped three places in the standings to fourth, 325 out of first.

    “I had the lead,” Kenseth said, “but I couldn’t hold it. You could say I ‘lost first,’ while my teammate Greg Biffle lost ‘first and second.’”

    5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon, who last won 18 months ago at Texas, came nowhere near winning on Sunday, finishing 37th after being wrecked by Jeff Burton under caution on lap 190. An angry Gordon charged Burton, shoved the driver of the No. 31 Caterpillar, and took a few swings at Burton as officials separated them.

    “I’ve finally ended my winless streak,” Gordon said, “but only because I let my emotions ‘get the better’ of me.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 32nd at Texas, after a spin on lap 159 set off a chain of events that tried the limits of Busch’s emotions. After pitting, Busch was penalized a lap for speeding on the exit. Then, while serving his penalty, Busch gave a NASCAR official a long and hard look at his middle finger. Busch was then penalized another lap for unsportsmanlike conduct, and finished two laps down.

    “Say what you will,” Busch said, “but that finger was there to remind me that I needed to be in first gear. If NASCAR officials don’t believe my explanation, then they are full of ‘shift.’”

    7. Tony Stewart: Stewart was running sixth when he gambled during a caution on lap 328, opting for four tires while the other front-runners remained on the track. Stewart restarted 16th, and although he made up five places to finish 11th, he would have been better off staying out. He is now eighth in the point standings, 363 out of first.

    “You know age and experience has changed me,” Stewart said, “when there’s a race with fisticuffs and a middle finger, and I’m involved in neither.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 19th at Texas, the low man in a solid day for Roush Fenway Racing. Teammate Matt Kenseth finished second, while Greg Biffle led the most laps, 224, on his way to a fifth.

    “I hate losing,” Edwards said, “almost as much as I hate winning, the Nationwide race, that is, and having to shake Brad Keselowski’s hand as series champion.”

    9. Greg Biffle: Biffle led 224 of 334 laps in the AAA Texas 500 and finished fifth, his eighth top-5 result of the season. Biffle’s No. 16 Red Cross Ford was easily the class of the field, but he lost first and second gear with about 30 laps to go. He improved two places in the point standings to ninth, 372 out of first.

    “Of all the drivers who had a right to be upset,” Biffle said, “I feel I’m the one who should have gone off the deep end. Instead, I showed restraint while Jeff Gordon and Kyle Busch unloaded a season’s worth of frustrations.

    Busch was particularly volatile last Sunday. I think it runs in the family. His brother Kurt was cursed with too much ‘ear,’ while Kyle was cursed with too much ‘finger.’”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at Texas, leading 30 laps on his way to his 15th top-10 result of the year, best among non-Chasers. Logano has top 10’s in his last four races, and has served noticed that he’ll be a contender for the Cup next year.

    “It’s hard not to become a better driver,” Logano said, “with the abundance of good examples being set for me by the veteran drivers. Between fights, failed inspections, foul language, and middle fingers, I feel I can finally become the driver I was meant to be.”