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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished second in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.

    “I’m becoming NASCAR’s biggest villain,” Hamlin said. “I’m the driver people love to hate. I’m also the driver drivers love to hate. I’m not here to win NASCAR’s Most Popular Driver award. I’m here to win championships. Unfortunately, I’ve won neither.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh in the Cook Out 400.

    “Sunday’s race was relatively incident free,” Truex said. “That’s fine by me because all this feuding gets on my nerves. Throw some punches for Christ’s sake. I think Richard Petty would echo my sentiment. If anyone knows drama queens, it’s the ‘King.’”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch started second and finished third at Richmond in the No. 8 X World Wallet Chevrolet.

    “I’ve won more races than any active driver in history at Richmond,” Busch said. “I have six Richmond wins. You don’t always need six to top the list of active drivers. With only one, I top the list of active drivers who’ve been sentenced to jail time in a Mexican prison.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Richmond, posting his ninth top 10 of the year.

    “All the talk lately is about aggression and ethics in racing,” Harvick said. “All I know is in the good old days, if you got your feathers ruffled, you did something about it. Nowadays, if you get your feathers ruffled, it just means you’re a chicken.”

    5. William Byron: Byron struggled at Richmond and finished 21st, one lap down.

    “It was incredibly hot at the track,” Blaney said. “In some cars, the temperature reached 130 degrees. NASCAR has a pretty strict drug policy, so this is about the closest we can come to ‘getting baked.’”

    6. Chris Buescher: Buescher took the lead from Brad Keselowski during a late pit stop cycle and held off Denny Hamlin to win the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.

    “I was worried when Hamlin lined up next to me on the last restart,” Buescher said. “Luckily, I was on the ‘right side’ of Denny Hamlin.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 19th at Richmond, the last car on the lead lap.

    “I’ve talked to Hamlin since our incident at Pocono,” Larson said. “Not personally, but over text. I suggested we ‘keep our distance,’ and since Denny finished second and I finished 19th, I guess we did.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.

    “I started 23rd,” Logano said. “So we really had to work hard to get to the front. I have to hand it to my pit crew–they did all the heavy lifting. And I’m glad they handled that, because have you seen my biceps?”

    9. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 20th at Richmond.

    “There are four races left until the playoffs,” Bell said. “And 12 drivers have clinched playoff spots. So, for the driver battling for those last four spots, it’s going to be tight. And by ‘it’s,’ I mean their sphincters.”

    10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 24th at Richmond.

    “Many people are saying Cook Out would be a great sponsor for me,” Chastain said. “That’s probably because of the way I ‘drive through’ the competition.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin muscled past Kyle Larson on a late restart and held on to win the HighPoint.com 400, earning his 50th Cup series victory.

    “For the record,” Hamlin said, “I did not cause Alex Bowman to wreck. And for once, I’m going to give Bowman credit, because he did that all by himself.

    “Now, I did wreck Kyle Larson. And I understand the crowd’s displeasure with me. And I won’t deny the fans their boos, nor will I deny them their booze.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Pocono as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin took the win.

    “I think we all know that if Denny wants something bad enough,” Truex said, “he just takes it. I guess he doesn’t want a Cup championship that bad, then.”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell started fifth and finished sixth at Pocono.

    “This race started with Austin Dillon throwing a helmet at Tyler Reddick,” Bell said. “And ended with Kyle Larson throwing shade at Denny Hamlin. I know the fans would rather see drivers throwing punches, but I guess they’ll have to be satisfied with anything being thrown.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took fourth at Pocono, posting his fifth top 5 of the year.

    “My car had the slogan ‘Break 4 Busch” all over it,” Harvick said. “That lets you know it’s for Busch beer. Now, with ‘Hunt Brothers Pizza’ on the car, that slogan would be ‘Break for the bathroom.’”

    5. William Byron: Byron started on the pole and led 60 laps, finishing 14th in the HighPoint.com 400 at Pocono.

    “You would think I would be an expert at a place called the ‘Tricky Triangle,’” Byron said. “After all, I’m sponsored by Liberty University, where the ‘Tricky Triangle’ is Jerry Falwell, Jr., his wife, and the pool boy.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson was leading late, but hit the wall battling Denny Hamlin for the lead. The damage slowed Larson’s No. 5 Chevy considerably, and he finished 21st.

    “I don’t know what Hamlin was thinking,” Larson said. “I thought we were friends. If he apologizes, I guess we’ll still be friends. If he doesn’t, we won’t. If he wrecks me again, well, that’s another story. So, it’s a case of friend or foe, or mo fo.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 21st at Pocono.

    “Pocono is a far cry from Mexico,” Busch said. “Speaking of ‘far cry,’ that’s what I did as I wept thousands of miles from home in a Mexican prison.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney suffered a power issue past the midway point of the race, and lost track position and any chance of winning. Blaney was able to stay on the lead lap and finished 30th.

    “My car lost about 100 horsepower,” Blaney said. “That can also be accomplished by letting BJ McLeod drive your car.”

    9. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home 13th in the HighPoint.com 400.

    “Did Austin Dillon really throw his helmet at Tyler Reddick’s car?” Chastain said. “Is that really a useful way to voice your displeasure? If it was, I’d have the world’s largest helmet collection.”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 at Pocono, but crashed on a Lap 36 restart, flattening all four tires. He was able to return for a few laps but retired on Lap 48, and finished 35th.

    “All was going well up until that point,” Logano said. “My outlook matched the ‘check’ on my car indicating ‘Verizon.’ But that wreck ‘X’d’ me out.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex swept the stages and was the dominant car all day at New Hampshire on his way to the win in the Crayon 301.

    “I was thrilled to hoist the huge lobster given to the winner,” Truex said. “Especially since this is my first win at New Hampshire. And it’s a memory I’ll treasure forever. And one day, I’ll tell my kids all about it. It will be my personal lobster tale.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano came up short at his home track, settling for the runner-up spot at New Hampshire behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “If some filed a motion that Truex was unstoppable on Monday,” Logano said, “I’m best qualified to ‘second’ it.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh in the Crayon 301.

    “Congratulations to my teammate Martin Truex Jr.,” Hamlin said. “He drove like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately for NASCAR ratings, there was a tomorrow.”

    4. William Byron: Byron finished 24th in the Crayon 301.

    “Chase Elliott is in danger of missing the NASCAR playoffs,” Byron said. “But I think, with the support of Hooters and the Dawsonville Pool Hall, he’ll be able to ‘rack’ up a win to get him in the playoffs.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson led six laps and finished third in the Crayon 301, posting his ninth top-five of the year.

    “Martin Truex Jr. was just unstoppable,” Larson said. “I have nothing but kind words to say about him. Those words are so much more meaningful when they’re not a requirement of sensitivity training.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch got loose and nailed the wall at the end of Stage 1, damaging the right side of his No. 8 Chevrolet. Busch finished last, completing only 71 laps.

    “In addition,” Busch said, “I crashed in qualifying and had to start at the back of the field. So, I was pretty much handcuffed from the start. So, now I’ve been handcuffed in two countries.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 22nd at New Hampshire.

    “This race was called the ‘Crayon 301,’” Blaney said. “Surprisingly, it’s ‘Crayon Software Experts,’ and not the crayons children color with, or many NASCAR fans write with.”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 23rd at New Hampshire.

    “Ryan Newman was driving the No. 15 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Logano said. “That means only one thing: Rusty Wallace was nowhere near the race track.”

    9. Christopher Bell: Bell started on the pole at New Hampshire and finished 30th, a lap down.

    “I had to make an unscheduled pit stop on Lap 74 for a loose wheel,” Bell said. “That pretty much ruined my day. I don’t know who it was, but one of my pit crewmen screwed me. Actually, he didn’t screw me enough.”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 10 laps and finished fourth in the Crayon 301.

    “There are six more races until the playoffs start,” Harvick said. “That means it’s ‘crunch time.’ Now, if you’re racing anywhere near Ross Chastain, it’s always crunch time.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta II

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta II

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron blew a right rear tire on lap 80 after contact with Corey Lajoie. Byron spun, fortunately keeping the car off the wall, and fell a lap down. Byron persevered and recovered to take the lead early in the final stage. He held on for the win as rain ended the race early on lap 185.

    “That just goes to show you should never give up,” Byron said. “Unless you’re leading the race when the rain comes. Then I’m all for quitting.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Quaker State 400, posting his seventh top 5 of the year.

    “If things would have played out a little differently,” Busch said, “I could have won that race. Also, if things would have played out a little differently before, I could currently be residing in a Mexican prison.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney edged Kyle Larson for the Stage 1 win and went on to finish 8th at Atlanta.

    “Congratulations to William Byron,” Blaney said. “I guess he was in the right place at the right time. Me? I find it difficult being in the right place at the right time even when it doesn’t rain.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano and his Penske Racing cohorts were strong throughout the night at Atlanta.

    “Penske cars were running 1-2-3 at points in the race,” Logano said. “That’s what you call ‘having your teammate’s back.’”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was running in the top 10 on lap 155 when Alex Bowman got loose and clipped Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota. Hamlin spun through the infield grass and lost massive track position. He eventually finished 14th.

    “How about the Coca-Cola paint scheme on my Toyota?” Hamlin said. “It was all over my No. 11 car. Talk about ‘rolling in Coke.’ No one’s done it like this since Tim Richmond.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 29th in the rain-shortened Quaker State 400 at Atlanta Motor Speedway.

    “With the threat of rain midway through the race,” Truex said, “drivers started operating with a sense of urgency. In other words, they’re driving like maniacs. Some, like Michael McDowell, for example, drive like that on pit road.”

    7. Ross Chastain: Chastain was collected in a lap 124 accident, causing his right-front tire to blow. The damage from the blown tire ended his day and he finished 35th in the Quaker State 400.

    “You didn’t hear my name mentioned much during the race,” Chastain said. “Incidentally, when my name is mentioned, it is a four-letter word.”

    8. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 23rd in the Quaker State 400.

    “Even though it’s a 1.5-mile track,” Bell said, “Atlanta Motor Speedway is one of the fastest tracks on our schedule. It has everything that Daytona and Talladega have, except an infield with the space to hold the people that would normally fill the Daytona and Talladega infield. So, unlike those people, the AMS infield lacks girth.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson spun on Lap 92 while running 14th and while entering pit road, blew a tire and suffered substantial front-end damage. He finished 36th.

    “That was my sixth DNF of the year,” Larson said. “That stands for ‘Did Not Finish.’ I have three wins this season and am locked into the playoffs. So, to me, those ‘DNF’s’ ‘DNM.’ That’s ‘Do Not Matter.’”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled for most of the night at Atlanta, and a late spin left him several laps down. He finished 30th.

    “It was cool to run pace laps side-by-side with Richard Childress in the No. 29 I drove to my first Cup win in 2001,” Harvick said. “It felt like old times, mostly because Richard is 77 and I’m 47.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicago Street Circuit

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicago Street Circuit

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Like many drivers, Busch slammed into the Turn 6 tire barrier and had to be helped out by a tow truck to continue. Busch recovered and charged to a finish of fifth, posting his sixth top-five of the year.

    “Luckily,” Busch said, “I know exactly what to do in a situation like that. I can’t tell you how many times, one instance very recent, in which I’ve needed to be pulled out of a serious jam.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Chicago and survived an early spin to come home 11th in the Grant Park 220.

    “It was tricky driving on a wet track,” Hamlin said. “You could say I ‘lost it,’ which is pretty much what I do in every episode of my podcast, ‘Actions Detrimental.’ Considering my spin, this week’s podcast will be subtitled ‘Traction’s Instrumental.’”

    3. William Byron: Byron hit the tire barrier in Turn 11 on Lap 50 and caused a chain reaction, which blocked half the track, causing a massive logjam as cars tried to find a way through. Byron lost track position and ultimately finished 13th.

    “I felt helpless,” Byron said. “Heck, all I could do was ‘sit there and watch,’ which made me remember that I’m happy to have Liberty University as a sponsor.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran in the top five for the majority of the Grant Park 220, but his day was ruined when he spun exiting Turn 5 and fell to 35th. His day ended for good on Lap 67, when he slid deep into a tire barrier. He finished 32nd.

    “I think NASCAR needs to add more street circuits,” Truex said. “I think it’s cool to drive a track and be able to look up and see skyscrapers, which is also the only vantage point in which fans can actually see the action.”

    5. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd at Chicago.

    “I really wasn’t a factor at all in this race,” Chastain said. “When I am a factor in a race, I’m usually the winner or the reason someone doesn’t win.”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 and 2 at Chicago and finished 18th after a lot of late-race drama.

    “I just had a lot of bad luck,” Bell said. “First, I lost all my track position when William Byron caused a pileup on Lap 49, then I hit the tire barrier in Turn 1 in my haste to make up ground. It just goes to show that on a street circuit, anything can happen, including a driver winning in his very first Cup start, beating pretty much every full-time Cup driver. His name is Shane Van Ginsbergen. He just put New Zealand on the map. Most NASCAR fans couldn’t find New Zealand on a map.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson started charging in Stage 2 and finished fourth in the Grant Park 220.

    “Saturday’s Xfinity race was postponed halfway through due to inclement weather,” Larson said. “What’s worse, the Chainsmokers concert was totally canceled. Many fans remember the good old days of NASCAR, like in the 1970s, when if you mentioned the ‘chainsmokers,’ you were referring to every single NASCAR driver.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 29th at Chicago.

    “I’ve just got one suggestion,” Harvick said. “If you’re holding a race called the Grant Park 220 on a street circuit, why not just call in the ‘Grant Prix?’”

    9. Joey Logano: Logano survived a trip into the Turn 6 tire barrier on Lap 22, and continued with little to no damage. He methodically made his way to the front and finished eighth.

    “That Turn 6 tire barrier really had a busy day,” Logano said. “I think nearly every driver made contact with it. That tire barrier has subsequently been renamed ‘Ross Chastain.’”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney tagged the Turn 6 wall hard on Lap 18, the damage of which severely compromised his car. He finished 33rd.

    “This city is known for its Chicago-style hot dog,” Blaney said. “It’s a little different from the Martinsville hot dog, in that it’s not lethal.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 50 laps at Nashville, but couldn’t match the speed of Ross Chastain in the final stage and settled for the runner-up spot.

    “Ross just had too much,” Chastain said. “You could say he ‘destroyed the field.’ If you add up all the cars of competitors he’s wrecked over the course of his career, you could also say he’s ‘destroyed the field.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered damage on Lap 147 when he tagged Ryan Blaney after cars in front checked up on a restart. Busch, however, recovered and salvaged a ninth-place finish.

    “‘It was an accident,’” Busch said, “is what I said after the race, and also this one time at an airport in Mexico.”

    3. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Nashville.

    “As per usual,” Byron said, “my car was primarily sponsored by Liberty University. Liberty U. is even advertising during NASCAR races to attract students. Who wouldn’t want to attend Liberty? It’s the academic intersection of education, religion, and voyeurism.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 and finished third in the Ally 400.

    “There’s losing,” Hamlin said, “and then there’s losing to Ross Chastain. I hate all of those things.”

    5. Ross Chastain: Chastain started on the pole at Nashville and came on strong in the final stage to win the Ally 400 at Nashville Superspeedway.

    “It’s really cool being rewarded with a guitar for winning a race, ” Chastain said. “Let my ability to strum a tune remind everyone of my desire to win the Cup championship, because ‘I ain’t playing.’”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell came home seventh at Nashville, posting his tenth top 10 of the year.

    “We’re headed to Chicago next week for the first NASCAR race on a street circuit,” Bell said. “Fans in the Windy City are in for a real treat. For once, something other than bullets are going to be whizzing through downtown Chicago.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 24th in the Ally 400 at Nashville.

    “My No. 4 Ford sported the Busch Light Peach paint scheme,” Harvick said. “I’m not sure who this flavor of beer would appeal to, but they should have the taste slapped out of their mouths.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano struggled to crack the top 10 at Nashville and scored a disappointing 19th in the Ally 400.

    “I was barely able to stay on the lead lap,” Logano said. “So, at least for a day, ‘Sliced Bread’ felt like the ‘End Piece.’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney crashed out at Nashville on Lap 147 when a restart stacked up the field, resulting in Kyle Busch rear-ending Blaney and sending him into the inside wall. Blaney finished last in 36th.

    “I don’t know who was leading the field to green on that restart,” Blaney said, “but I’d like to introduce them to a gas pedal, and also my fist.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fifth at Nashville, recording his seventh top 5 of the season.

    “Ross Chastain looks like a real championship contender,” Larson said. “Now, he’s in the head of every other championship contender. You could say, like a real watermelon farmer, he ‘planted a seed.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 2 at Sonoma but couldn’t catch Martin Truex Jr. late and settled for the runner-up spot.

    “I thought I could catch Martin,” Busch said. “I gave it my best shot. There’s nothing like a charge in ‘Wine Country,’ except for maybe a ‘charge’ in ‘Tequila Country.’”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex held off former teammate Kyle Busch to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Sonoma.

    “Nothing beats sipping wine in Victory Circle at Sonoma,” Truex said. “Except shotgunning a beer anywhere but Victory Circle at Sonoma.”

    3. William Byron: Byron started 26th and finished 14th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “My Hendrick teammate Chase Elliott chatted with Denny Hamlin about their incident at WWT Raceway,” Byron said. “I don’t know the details of their talk, but I’m pretty sure they put the ‘cuss’ in ‘discussion.’”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Sonoma.

    “That was my 806th Cup series start,” Harvick said. “That put me ahead of Jeff Gordon for the most all-time. I may have more starts than Jeff, but I’ll never have more championships or marriages.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Sonoma, his second consecutive third-place finish.

    “Good things come in threes,” Logano said, “unless you’re Austin Dillon.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney struggled at Sonoma and finished 31st.

    “Road course racing is not my cup of tea,” Blaney said, “and here in Sonoma, it’s not my glass of wine.”

    7. Christopher Bell: Bell finished ninth at Sonoma, his first top-10 finish since Dover in April.

    “This race was a typical Sonoma race,” Bell said. “Long, boring, and lacking entertainment. Here in Wine Country, the race packed all the drama of a wine tasting.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole, but wrecked with under 20 laps to go and finished last at Sonoma.

    “I’ve got no one to blame but myself,” Hamlin said. “But by the time my latest podcast goes live, I’ll have someone else to blame.”

    9. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 10th at Sonoma, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

    “It’s always fun to see Denny Hamlin wreck,” Chastain said. “And it’s about time he did something without my help.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson came home eighth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “It was a good day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Larson said. “But only because all four regular drivers participated.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: WWT Raceway

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: WWT Raceway

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at World Wide Technology Raceway and won Stage 1 on his way to the win in the Enjoy Illinois 300. Busch managed several restarts down the stretch and repelled the challenge of Kyle Larson.

    “I had quite a spirited battle with Kyle Larson over several laps late in the race,” Busch said. “Luckily, we raced each other clean and didn’t have an accident. That would have caused a bad scene. I would have probably done something stupid, and Larson would have probably said something stupid.”

    2. William Byron: Byron finished eighth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

    “I thought Corey LaJoie did a fine job substituting for Chase Elliott,” Byron said. “But he’s no Chase Elliott. If he was, he’d be sitting at home right now.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney, fresh off a win at Charlotte, won Stage 2 and finished sixth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

    “I was pretty close to winning my second straight race and starting another streak,” Blaney said. “On second thought, I did start another streak….another winless streak.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex overcame an early equipment violation to post a fifth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

    “The gas can was left in the car on one of our early pit stops,” Truex said. “I feel like Kyle Busch because I left somewhere with something I shouldn’t have.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin made a late pass on Kyle Larson on an overtime restart to take the runner-up spot in the Enjoy Illinois 300 at World Wide Technology Raceway.

    “I like to think I played a part in getting Chase Elliott suspended,” Hamlin said. “You probably heard all about it on my newest podcast, ‘Actions Instrumental.’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at WWTR, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

    “Sunday’s race was delayed several times for lightning,” Harvick said. “With those, plus all the cautions, and all the wrecks, it took forever to run this race. It also seemed like this race took forever to run.”

    7. Tyler Reddick: Reddick was running in the top 10 on lap 173 when he blew a right front brake rotor, sending him into the Turn 1 wall. The damage ended his day, and he finished 33rd.

    “This track does a number on brakes,” Reddick said. “Ironically, my brakes are what stopped me today.”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

    “I can’t say I’ve ever intentionally wrecked anyone,” Chastain said. “I can say I’ve unintentionally wrecked a lot of people. You could say I’m the ‘Britny Spears of NASCAR,’ because ‘Oops! I Did It Again.’”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at World Wide Technology Raceway after challenging Kyle Busch for the win late.

    “Busch seemed to be on a mission to win,” Larson said. “And in a car with ‘3CHI’ emblazoned on it, Busch’s win was all the buzz afterward.”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at World Wide Technology Raceway.

    “Congratulations to Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “He pulled off the ‘Triple Crown Of Racing,” which is winning the pole, leading the most laps, and winning the race. He’s also completed the “Triple Crown Of Stupidity,” by doing 128 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone and getting arrested in Mexico with a gun in his luggage. I know that’s only two things, but the Mexico incident is so stupid, I’m counting it twice.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron started from the pole at Charlotte and was strong throughout, but was one-upped by Ryan Blaney for the win and settled for the runner-up spot.

    “Congratulations to Blaney,” Byron said. “He deserved this win, not only because he broke a long winless streak, but also because he clearly had the best car, as you can see by the fact that he led 163 laps. Ryan towered over the competition, just like Fox’s Jamie Little towers over any driver she interviews.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney outdueled pole sitter William Byron late and pulled away to win the Coca-Cola 600, snapping a 59-race winless streak.

    “What’s the best thing about ending a winless streak?” Blaney said. “Starting another one.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Charlotte, posting his seventh top 10 of the season.

    “I spun on Lap 176 and dropped way down the order,” Busch said. “But I made my way back to the front. If you saw the aftermath of my spin, you could say I ‘reversed’ my fortunes.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home third in the Coca-Cola 600.

    “It was great to see Jimmie Johnson race in the 600 for his team, Legacy Motor Club,” Truex said. “Unfortunately, Jimmie finished dead last. This is a prime example of Jimmie destroying his legacy.”

    5. Tyler Reddick: Reddick led 28 laps and finished fifth in the Coca-Cola 600.

    “My 23XI Toyota sported the Air Jordan logo,” Reddick said, “and Carolina blue. We could have made it completely a Michael Jordan look had we added a golf club and an image of MJ paying his bookie.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second at Charlotte and fell back to last early, but took the lead early in Stage 3. But Harvick went high into Tyler Reddick on Lap 358 and spun, sending him back in the field. He finished 11th.

    “My car featured the Hunt Brothers Pizza cam,” Harvick said. “Usually, when you hear ‘Hunt Brothers Pizza’ and ‘camera’ mentioned in the same sentence, it’s often a doctor discussing your colonoscopy.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin crashed out of the Coca-Cola 600 on Lap 186 when it appeared Elliott retaliated for contact moments earlier that caused Elliott to brush the wall. Hamlin finished 35th.

    “As I said after the incident,” Hamlin said, “Chase threw a ‘tantrum’ and wrecked me intentionally. He should be suspended. I’m sure he’ll profess his innocence, but, much like after his idiotic snowboarding accident, he won’t have a leg to stand on.”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd at Charlotte.

    “There was a shoving match,” Chastain said, “an incident with Denny Hamlin, and many other spins. None of that is unusual. What’s unusual was I wasn’t involved in any of it.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson struggled early but came on strong midway through Stage 3 with a charge to the front. But Larson’s No. 5 Chevy got loose on a restart with 25 laps to go and suffered extensive damage. Larson’s day was done and he finished 30th.

    “I’m planning on doing the Indianapolis 500-Coke 600 double next year,” Larson said. “I think I can do that in less time than it took to complete Stage 4 in Charlotte on Monday.”

    10. Christopher Bell: Bell got loose and spun into the infield on Lap 236 but luckily suffered little damage. He wasn’t so lucky on a restart with 25 laps to go when he was collected in a pileup triggered by Kyle Larson’s spin. Bell finished 24th.

    “The Coca-Cola 600 is a grueling, time-consuming, and energy-sapping race,” Bell said. “And that’s just for the fans.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron avoided the late Ross Chastain-Kyle Larson melee and went on to win the Goodyear 400.

    “It was a super special win,” Byron said. “It was the 100th win for car No. 24, and my car sported the throwback Jeff Gordon paint scheme. If my life could match that of Jeff Gordon, I would be a happy man, except for the part in which I’m married to a gold digger.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth in the Goodyear 400 at Darlington.

    “You probably noticed my No. 4 Ford was sporting ‘Sunny D’ as a sponsor,” Harvick said. “And speaking of ‘Sunny D,’ if you mix one-half part Sunny D and one-half part Busch beer, you are one sick individual.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth at Darlington.

    “Luckily,” Blaney said, “I didn’t have any issues with Ross Chastain. Not every driver can say that. Not surprisingly, Chastain has a target on his back. Unfortunately, he sees a target on everyone else’s back.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Darlington.

    “Kyle Larson may be the unluckiest driver in NASCAR,” Hamlin said. “In consecutive weeks, he’s been wrecked by me and Ross Chastain. I know Kyle said he’s not much of a fighter, but at some point, he’s got to take a stand, and start his own podcast.”

    5. Ross Chastain: A battle for the lead on Lap 288 resulted in Chastain pushing Kyle Larson into the wall, sending both cars spinning. The damage knocked Chastain out of the race for a 29th-place finish, while Larson continued with a damaged car and crossed the line 20th.

    “I was fully committed to going into Turn 1 and coming out of it with the lead,” Larson said. “And I failed. I know I have a reputation as a driver who’s wrecked every other driver at least once. But I’m not going to beat myself up over it. But someone else might.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson wrecked while battling Ross Chastain for the lead on Lap 288. Chastain went high into Turn 1 and pressed Larson’s No. 5 Chevy into the fence. Larson was able to continue but finished 20th.

    “That’s three times this season Chastain’s wrecked us,” Larson said. “One thing me and all the other drivers can agree on is that Chastain drives car No. 1. And, we can all agree on which finger to use to represent that No. 1.”

    7. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 14th at Darlington.

    “The paint scheme on my No. 20 Toyota honored Matt Kenseth’s No. 17 car,” Bell said. “Matt’s former teammate Carl Edwards was in the Fox broadcast booth, which is a reminder that Matt for once known as the ‘Intimidated.’”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Darlington, posting his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “I got caught with a dangerous weapon in my luggage once,” Busch said. “In a simple analogy, Ross Chastain is my gun, and his No. 1 car is my luggage.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and dominated early, winning Stage 1 and leading a race-high 145 laps. But a wreck triggered by Ross Chastain sent Truex’s No. 19 spinning into the apron, and the resulting damage made it impossible to challenge for the lead. Truex finished 31st.

    “Ross has made quite a name for himself,” Truex said. “He’s also made quite a verb for himself because being ‘Chastained’ is becoming quite a useful term. In fact, you could say it’s a verb that is quite overused.”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano finished 18th at Darlington.

    “I had an incident with Martin Truex, Jr.,” Logano said. “I can’t blame Martin for the accident. His car was damaged from his earlier wreck caused by Ross Chastain, and the impact to Truex’s handling caused him to squeeze me into the wall. So Chastain pretty much wrecked me. I think everyone can agree Chastain is guilty. And I think I can agree that he’s guilty by association.”