Testing SpeedwayMedia.com

Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. William Byron: Byron started on the pole at Kansas and recovered from an early speeding penalty, and a later brush with the wall, to finish third.

“It’s not about how you start,” Byron said, “it’s how you finish. Unless you finish by writing a $100,000 check to NASCAR for a failed inspection.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin outdueled Kyle Larson in a wild finish at Kansas to win the AdventHealth 400. After a back-and-forth battle over the final laps, Hamlin got position on Larson and clipped Larson’s rear, spinning the Hendrick driver, but he held on to finish second.

“You can hear all about it on my new podcast,” Hamlin said. “It’s called ‘Actions Detrimental To Kyle Larson.’”

3. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Kansas after a spirited battle with Denny Hamlin over the closing laps. Hamlin clipped the rear of Larson’s car, and Larson hit the wall, while Hamlin took the win.

“Right in the middle of my interview after the race,” Larson said, “the Ross Chastain-Noah Gragson fight broke out. So it interrupted some harsh words I had in store for Denny Hamlin. So, that fight did me a favor: it prevented me from saying something I would greatly regret later.”

4. Christopher Bell: Bell finished last at Kansas after contact with Ross Chastain on Lap 157 sent him into the wall and out of the race.

“I guess Chastain is on a mission,” Bell said. “That mission is to touch everyone, with either his car or his fist.”

5. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished fifth at Kansas and then clashed with Noah Gragson after the race.

“If Noah Gragson has a problem with my driving,” Chastain said, “then he’s no different than 34 other drivers.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Kansas.

“What else is new?” Truex said. “Ross Chastain ‘made contact’ with someone. Ross must have been pretty angry with Gragson because Ross was ‘right cross’ with him.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 16th at Kansas.

“We’re gonna be talking about this Ross Chastain-Noah Gragson incident for a while,” Blaney said. “What’s most amazing is that, given Chastain’s various and multiple clashes with other drivers, I’m surprised he punched someone before they punched him.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Kansas and is fifth in the point standings.

“I was just named to ‘NASCAR’s 75 Greatest Drivers’ list,” Harvick said. “There are a lot of drivers on that list that I respect a great deal, 73 to be exact. And then there’s Kyle Busch.”

9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished ninth in the AdventHealth 400.

“NASCAR ratings are down,” Reddick said. “But after Ross Chastain’s punch of Noah Gragson, I expect the impact to be anything but a black eye for the sport.”

10. Joey Logano: Logano rebounded from two consecutive 30th or worse finishes with a sixth at Kansas.

“My former Penske teammate Brad Keselowski had to be happy to see that Ross Chastain-Noah Gragson clash. Why? Well, for at least a day, Brad wasn’t the owner of the ‘most punchable face’ title.”

May 8, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Christopher Bell: Bell finished sixth at Dover and continues to lead the Cup series point standings.

“Congratulations to the Truex brothers for winning the Dover double,” Bell said. “I think the only other brother combo to do it better was the Busch brothers, and Kyle could even do it without Kurt’s help.”

2. Ross Chastain: Chastain took Stage 2 at Dover, but his four fresh tires weren’t enough to catch Martin Truex Jr. over the final two laps, and Chastain settled for the runner-up spot.

“If I would have had just a little more speed,” Chastain said, “I think I could have caught Truex and won the race. And since my No. 1 car sported the Jockey paint scheme, as the fastest car in the race, I could have legitimately called it the ‘Crotch Rocket.”

3. William Byron: Byron won Stage 1 at Dover and led a race-high 193 laps, but didn’t have quite enough car at the end and settled for fourth.

“It’s unusual that a Hendrick car didn’t have enough,” Byron said. “According to NASCAR inspectors, Hendrick cars often have too much.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex overcame a pit issue midway through Monday’s race and recovered, with the aid of a quick two-tire pit stop late, to win the Wurth 400 at Dover. The win snapped a 54-race winless streak for Truex.

“My brother Ryan won the Xfinity Series race on Saturday,” Truex said. “So the Truex family pulled off not one, but two, victories at Dover. We call that ‘Truex-tra.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fifth at Dover, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“Please listen to my podcast ‘Actions Detrimental,’” Hamlin said. “So, while you put a bud in your ear, I’ll probably put a foot in my mouth.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third at Dover, posting his third consecutive top-10 finish.

“I’m in the midst of a 57-race winless streak,” Blaney said. “I’m confident it will end soon. That is until I talk to my dad Dave Blaney about it. He’s still looking to end his streak.”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Dover, but ran into trouble early, penalized for speeding in the pits on Lap 22. Soon after, Busch sustained damage in an accident in the back of the field and eventually finished 21st.

“When I was in my 20’s,” Busch said, “issues like those would have driven me crazy. But I’ve mellowed with age. That’s a statement you probably thought you’d never hear a 37-year-old man who tried to get a handgun through a Mexican airport say.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished eighth at Dover.

“Everybody wants that Dover trophy,” Keselowski said. “I applaud the sculptor who created the ‘Miles The Monster’ trophy. I especially applaud him or her for their ability to get Bruton Smith to sit still long enough to pose as model for that trophy.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson’s No. 5 Hendrick was damaged early in an accident triggered when Ross Chastain bumped Brennan Poole into a spin, which collected Larson. Larson suffered extensive damage and finished 32nd, 41 laps down.

“Chastain drives car No. 1,” Larson said. “He’s also No. 1 on a growing number of drivers’ ‘S’ list.

10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished seventh in the Wurth 400 at Dover.

“In light of the injuries suffered by Chase Elliott and Alex Bowman, “Hendrick Motorsports has told their drivers to ‘take it easy.’ ‘Take it easy’ could also be interpreted as ‘stop doing stupid stuff.’ ‘And ‘stop doing stupid stuff’ could also be applied to Ross Chastain.”

May 1, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Christopher Bell: Bell finished eighth at Talladega, recording his seventh top 10 of the season.

“Noah Gragson accidentally turned Harrison Burton on Lap 142,” Bell said. “Those two have a history. They got into a fight in 2020 at Kentucky. Gragson’s car had Wendy’s sponsorship, which conveniently answers the question, ‘Where’s the beef?’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch survived a series of late restarts and was just ahead of Ryan Blaney when the final caution ended the race, giving him the win in the Geico 500 at Talladega.

“I’m not too proud to say that lots of things worked out in our favor,” Busch said. “Sometimes it’s best to be good. Sometimes, it’s best to be lucky. And sometimes, it’s best to have the best legal representation money can buy.”

3. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Talladega.

“As is usually the case,” Byron said, “my car sported the Liberty University paint scheme. For those not familiar with Liberty U., it’s in Lynchburg, Virginia, and is unofficially known as ‘Mind If I Watch U.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Talladega and finished 15th.

“Michael Jordan was in attendance to watch Bubba Wallace and Ty Gibbs race,” Hamlin said. “It’s got to be a huge thrill for fans lucky enough to bump into the greatest basketball player of all time at a race track in Alabama. I mean, what are the odds? Well, MJ could probably tell you exactly what the odds are.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led a race-high 47 laps, but came up short at Talladega when a caution ended the race with Blaney trailing Kyle Busch in the lead.

“Bubba Wallace pretty much cost me the win,” Blaney said. “Michael Jordan would be proud of him because Bubba ‘blocked’ me with a ‘lane violation’ and ‘assisted’ Kyle Busch to the win. And, of course, the race went into overtime.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 27th, the last car on the lead lap, after he was collateral damage in the final wreck that ended the race.

“Congratulations to my former teammate Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “He was extremely fortunate to win that race. He can now call himself the luckiest man in two countries, Mexico and the United States.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd at Talladega.

“There are superspeedways,” Chastain said. “And then there is ‘Super Speed Way,’ which is the street named after Jeremy Mayfield.”

8. Kevin Harvick: A late pit stop for fuel cost Harvick a chance at a top-five finish, and instead settled for 20th in the Geico 500.

“I made my 800th Cup start at Talladega,” Harvick said. “Unlike my car at Talladega, I get great mileage.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson was knocked out of the Geico 500 on lap 190 when a wild restart sent him hurtling into the path of Noah Gragson. Larson finished 33rd.

“Talladega is always such an unpredictable race,” Larson said. “I think that’s exactly what fans want to see: unpredictability. If fans are looking for something predictable, they should go watch a Hendrick car post-race inspection.”

10. Joey Logano: Logano bounced back from an early speeding penalty, and was in contention late before contact with Corey Lajoie wrecked him on Lap 184. Logano was able to continue and finished 30th.

“Talladega is always a race in which any driver in the field can win,” Logano said. “It’s also a race in which any driver in the field can be the reason you don’t win.”

April 23, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson charged early at Martinsville, and was into the top 10 by lap 20 after starting 19th. Larson surged again in the latter part of the race, holding off Joey Logano while leading.

“I was just in a hurry to get to Ryan Preece,” Larson said, “to see if he was for real after winning the pole and to get some payback for his treatment of me at Bristol. But as soon as I got near the front, he started dropping like a fly, proving that instead of running with the big dogs, he runs from them.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano started at the back of the field

“I have mostly fond memories of Martinsville,” Logano said, “and one not-so-fond memory. That’s thanks to Matt Kenseth. But I’ve mostly gotten over that situation, through therapy and positive imagery, in which I picture Matt Kenseth as himself, and I picture myself as Carl Edwards bullying him.”

3. Christopher Bell: Bell started 22nd and finished 16th in the NOCO 400.

“Every driver dreams of raising the grandfather clock trophy at Martinsville,” Bell said. “Now, Kyle Larson has his, and he’s won two of the last three races. He looks like the favorite to win the championship. Larson may have the clock, but everybody knows what time it is.”

4. William Byron: Byron finished 23rd in the NOCO 400 at Martinsville.

“Chase Elliott returned after missing the last six weeks recovering from a broken leg suffered while snowboarding,” Byron said. “Now, every time Chase vows to do something, he’ll hear the same three words from everyone at Hendrick: no, not ‘Break a leg.’ I’m talking about ‘Don’t go snowboarding.’”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third in the NOCO 400 at Martinsville.

“That’s my first top-five of the season,” Truex said. “Except for Christopher Bell, it’s been a pretty slow start for everybody at Joe Gibbs Racing. With Kyle Busch gone, I’d say Christopher is JGR’s top driver. The rest of us, we’re the B-team. In short, with Kyle gone, Christopher’s taken over the job of ‘A’-hole.”

6. Ross Chastain: Chastain led 31 laps and finished 13th at Martinville, and is second in the points standings, 13 behind Christopher Bell.

“I feel pretty good about finishing 13th,” Chastain said, “especially since I started the race 34th. So, much like Denny Hamlin’s championship-less career, I feel like I won the battle, even though I didn’t win the war.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Martinsville.

“It’s amazing that Chase Elliott was able to return so quickly after breaking his leg,” Blaney said. “Kudos to the doctors who performed the surgery. Heck, there’s no telling what kind of hardware Chase has in his leg. It’s the same thing NASCAR inspectors say about Hendrick cars.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stage 2 at Martinsville but faded late and came home 20th.

“We were in contention,” Harvick said, “but we blew that when I had to return to the pits to tighten a lug nut. Seeing your chances evaporate like that is tough to swallow and hard to digest, much like a famous Martinsville hot dog.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 21st at Martinsville.

“To make things even more frustrating,” Busch said, “I had to deal with Corey LaJoie. Corey’s earned a reputation as a real douchebag in this sport. So, he’s like a less-talented, less-successful version of me.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 36 laps and finished 4th at Martinsville, posting his first top-five result of the season.

“I’m pleased,” Hamlin said, “but the real story here for me is Bubba Wallace bumping me during the race. Did he forget that I’m his team owner? Ironically, it was a totally ‘boss’ move by Bubba.”

April 16, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Christopher Bell: Bell led 100 laps and held off Tyler Reddick to win the Food City Dirt Race at Bristol.

“I’m thrilled to get this win,” Bell said. “Not only is it big for the Playoffs, but I also got that big trophy plus a sweet gladiator sword. There are two things I can’t wait to do with that sword: 1, Show it off to my friends, and 2, ship it to Mexico and ask Kyle Busch to bring it back the next time he’s there.”

2. Tyler Reddick: Reddick was on the charge late, attempting to catch Christopher Bell, but ran out of time and had to settle for his second consecutive runner-up finish in the Bristol Dirt Race.

“If you saw my post-race interview with Fox’s Jamie Little,” Reddick said, “then you’re well aware that I’m used to coming up a little short.”

3. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Bristol.

“My team was penalized again after failing inspection at Richmond,” Byron said. “But let’s be honest, we’re just trying to make our car faster; NASCAR keeps catching us. They’re preventing us from making a ‘fast getaway (with it).’”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Bristol, as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Christopher Bell captured the win.

“Bell’s one of the best drivers on tracks like this,” Truex said. “His name has become synonymous with ‘dirt.’ The name ‘Denny Hamlin’ brings up similar associations, because his name is ‘Mud’ when it comes to retaliatory maneuvers on the track.”

5. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished a disappointing 28th at Bristol, one lap down.

“Dirt track racing is not my cup of tea,” Chastain said. “If I did have a cup of tea, I’m sure someone would have a problem with it. And with it being Easter, I’m sure I’d get crucified for it.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Bristol.

“Michael Waltrip was joined on his Bristol ‘Grid Walk’ by the Easter Bunny,” Harvick said. “From what I understand, the Easter Bunny doesn’t speak, yet he’s still a better interviewer than Waltrip.”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Bristol and won Stage 1, but was knocked out of the race by Ryan Preece on Lap 177. He finished 35th.

“I think Preece was retaliating for earlier contact between us,” Larson said. “Does he know who I am? Heck. Does he know who he is? Obviously not, because he’s out there trying to make a name for himself.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano had an eventful day, full of spins and contact with other cars, and was finally knocked out of the race on Lap 96. He finished 37th.

“My car was all over the place,” Logano said. “That place was ‘last.’”

9. Kyle Busch: A broken shock with 13 laps to go ended Busch’s night in the Food City Dirt Race. He finished 32nd.

“It wasn’t the finish I was looking for,” Busch said. “On the bright side, though, I got to shake hands with Tim Tebow. That’s probably as close as I’m gonna get to feeling the hand of God. That is, a God-awful NFL quarterback.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran near the front for the majority of the night at Bristol, but a spin on a restart with eight laps to go cost him a top-five finish. He finished 23rd.

“The track conditions changed quite a bit over the duration of the race,” Blaney said. “If you took a look at the stands, you noticed that the track was the only thing ‘packed.’”

April 10, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished third at Richmond, posting his third top-five of the season.

“My car sported the ‘Jockey’ paint scheme,” Chastain said. “That makes sense because when people see me near them on the track, the automatic response is to ask themselves, ‘Am I wearing clean underwear?’”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson took the lead with a quick pit stop on lap 375 and held on through two restarts to win the Toyota Owners 400.

“I’ve had some bad luck this season,” Larson said, “so I was quite surprised with the race at Richmond. Not because I won, but because it went the advertised distance.”

3. William Byron: Byron won Stage 1 at Richmond and challenged for the win late until contact from Christopher Bell sent him spinning on a lap 381 restart. Byron finished 24th.

“I think it’s safe to say I’m obligated to retaliate,” Byron said. “So, I’ll have ‘Bell to pay,’ while Christopher will have ‘hell to pay.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh in the Toyota Owners 400.

“It was a great drive by Kyle Larson,” Logano said. “He was working with a fill-in crew chief while Cliff Daniels is serving a four-race suspension. Hendrick Motorsports proved they are a powerhouse. Obviously, they can win with less, and at Phoenix, they already proved they can win with more.”

5. Christopher Bell: Bell led 26 laps and finished fourth in the Toyota Owners 400.

“I made late contact with William Byron,” Bell said. “It pretty much cost him any chance of winning. But I blamed Ross Chastain for it. Then I saw the replay, which showed that Chastain wasn’t at fault. Then I apologized to Byron, but not Chastain. So, let’s try this: I blame Denny Hamlin since he’s the one that gave Ross this reputation.”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 14th at Richmond.

“A lot of people say Daniel Suarez reminds them of me,” Busch said. “You know, talented, but with a temper. In fact, if you cross Daniel Suarez with Kyle Busch, you’ll get a ‘Mexican standoffish.’”

7. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home eighth at Richmond, recording his sixth top 10 of the year.

“A NASCAR appeals panel rescinded the 100-point penalty NASCAR levied against us for an illegal part at Phoenix,” Bowman said. “Our response to winning the appeal was the same as it was when we found out about the penalty, because both times we said, ‘We did it!’”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 10th at Richmond and finished fifth. He is sixth in the point standings, 40 out of first.

“I see this William Byron-Christopher Bell-Ross Chastain controversy progressing to some real animosity,” Harvick said. “Much like my situation with Jeff Gordon and Brad Keselowski back in 2014 at Texas, theirs could also become a ‘Shove Triangle.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney suffered a disappointing 26th at Richmond, his day marred by a disastrous pit stop early in the race.

“We left a wrench in the car during a pit stop that cost us a penalty,” Blaney said. “Although my crew member simply placed the wrench on the car, you might as well as say he threw it in there.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 but saw his victory aspirations done in by a slow pit stop that cost him the lead. He eventually finished 20th.

“We blew a right front tire,” Hamlin said. “Well, that’s not completely accurate. We blew a right front tire change.”

April 2, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Ross Chastain: A slow pit stop on a late caution cost Chastain track position. Things soon got worse, as Chastain’s No. 1 car suffered damage after contact on the Lap 59 restart. But a remarkable recovery, helped by numerous restarts, allowed Chastain to recover and salvage a fourth.

“You probably saw the video of me dropping a watermelon off the COTA tower,” Chastain said. “It was fun, but could have been way more satisfying if only Denny Hamlin had been down there to catch it.”

2. William Byron: Byron started on the pole at the Circuit Of The Americas and took the lead with eight laps to go with a pass of Tyler Reddick. But Reddick later got back by and held on for the win, while Byron took fifth.

“NASCAR may penalize us, fine us, and suspend us,” Byron said, “but this team just keeps persevering. Call us ‘cheaters,’ but we don’t care. We deflect criticism better than our modified car part deflects air.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano was caught up in a late crash on a restart and finished 29th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.

“When you have 30 plus cars barreling into Turn 1 at COTA,” Logano said, “there’s bound to be chaos. When that many cars try to navigate a turn with a width that can accommodate maybe four of them, it’s like opening Pandora’s Box or Kyle Busch’s luggage.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch charged late and finished second at COTA, as Tyler Reddick pulled away for the victory.

“I’ve got nothing but good things to say about COTA,” Busch said. “And Austin is a great city, except for one small issue that really frightens me: it’s over 225 miles from the Mexican border, which is way too close for my liking.”

5. Tyler Reddick: Reddick overtook William Byron with five laps to go and held the lead on several restarts, winning the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.

“My racing with William Byron was quite exciting,” Reddick said. “If you won a group bet with your friends by wagering that I would win the race over the driver in the Liberty University car, then Jerry Falwell, Jr. would like to tell you that you won the ‘pool, boy.’”

6. Alex Bowman: Bowman ran in the top five for much of the day at COTA and came home third, recording his third top-5 of the season.

“I think drivers and fans alike enjoy road course racing,” Bowman said. “As a Hendrick Motorsports driver, it’s a lot like getting a massive penalty from NASCAR, because I find it very ‘appealing.’”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 13th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.

“It was a grueling race,” Harvick said. “And I think the ‘Echo’ in the race name had to refer to all these restarts that keep repeating themselves. When people say NASCAR racing is repetitive, this is what they are talking about.”

8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was a victim of a spin in the first overtime restart at COTA, and limped home to a 21st-place finish once the race was settled after two more overtime restarts. He is sixth in the points standings, 34 out of first.

“With that much contact on the many restarts,” Blaney said, “tempers were bound to flare. And they did. Daniel Suarez was upset with his own teammate, Ross Chastain. You know what they say about Ross: ‘With teammates like Ross Chastain, who needs enemies?’

9. Christopher Bell: Bell was knocked out of the race with two laps remaining at COTA and finished with his worst result of the season, a 31st.

“The race had quite the Formula 1 flavor,” Bell said. “Former world champions Jenson Button and Kimi Räikkönen were in the race. That symbol over the ‘a’ and ‘o’ in ‘Räikkönen’ is called an ‘umlaut.’ For all of you NASCAR fans not familiar with that word, it doesn’t come with bacon and a side of hash browns.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 16th at COTA.

“Hey,” Hamlin said, “let’s give it up for Tyler Reddick. That dude’s got ‘Monster Energy’ on his car and in his body. You need ‘monster energy’ just to survive the number of restarts caused by NASCAR’s idiotic restart rules. Reddick may have set a record, by winning the same race three times in one day.”

March 27, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole and was the class of the field at Atlanta, winning Stage 1 and leading 140 on his way to the win in the Ambetter Health 400.

“I knew I would win this race,” Logano said, “because I ‘am better’ than everyone else.”

2. Christopher Bell: Bell came home third at Atlanta as the top Toyota finisher. Bell helped Joey Logano to the win with a strong push that helped move Logano past Brad Keselowski.

“Notice that no Hendrick Motorsports cars were racing for the win,” Bell said. “Atlanta Motor Speedway may have 28-degree banking in the turns, but at least on Sunday, it was a totally ‘level playing field.’”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch survived a spin in the Kevin Harvick-Ross Chastain incident, and damage was minimal. Busch recovered to post a solid 10th at Atlanta.

“NASCAR really came down hard on Hendrick Motorsports,” Busch said. “NASCAR must have found some really incriminating violations in those inspections. I may have been caught with a gun in Mexico, but at least it wasn’t a smoking gun.”

4. William Byron: Byron was eliminated from the Ambetter Health 400 as an innocent victim of a crash with 71 laps left, caused when Kevin Harvick got loose in tight quarters and collected several cars.

“And speaking of ‘innocent victim,’” Byron said, “most people are saying Hendrick Motorsports is not one after their huge penalties and fines as a result of failed inspections. It’s one thing to be the victim; it’s another thing to play the victim. One of those things we do very well.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was a victim in one of two final stage wrecks at Atlanta. With 71 laps left, Harvick got loose with Ross Chastain right on his bumper, and Harvick spun into traffic, triggering a crash that involved 12 cars.

“The easy way out would be for me to blame Chastain for causing the crash,” Harvick said. “Why? Because everyone would believe it, even Ross himself.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney posted his second consecutive top 10 with a seventh at Atlanta. He is fourth in the points standings,

“NASCAR handed down quite a list of penalties, suspensions, and fines to Hendrick Motorsports,” Blaney said. “Heck, I bet when NASCAR made the announcement, they, like Hendrick themselves, probably used a ‘cheat sheet.’”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain had an eventful day at Atlanta on his way to a 13th-place finish in the Ambetter Health 400.

“Obviously,” Chastain said, “my reputation precedes me. Just ask Kevin Harvick. Now, I’m being accused of wrecking people even when I don’t even touch them.”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson was, unfortunately, running behind Aric Almirola with 52 laps left, as Almirola, on old tires, blew a right rear tire and collected Larson, who was competing in his 300th Cup series start.

“I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Larson said, “much like the thousands of gamers who were listening to me back in April of 2020.

“Hendrick Motorsport’s best finish was a 14th by Alex Bowman. It was a sad day for Hendrick. But I must say, I’ve seen worse days, pretty recently, actually.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski settled for the runner-up spot at Atlanta, unable to hold off former teammate Joey Logano on the final lap. It was Keselowski’s best result of the year.

“Me and Joey go way back,” Logano said. “Or at least Joey says I go way back, because he won the Cup last year; I won it way back in 2012.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth at Atlanta, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Christopher Bell (third) and Ty Gibbs (ninth) in the top 10.

“I was penalized 25 driver points and fined $50,000 for making intentional contact with Ross Chastain at Phoenix,” Hamlin said. “And, as I am prone to do, I’ll ‘admit’ it, and say it was worth every penny.”

March 19, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. William Byron: Byron was strong early in the United Rentals Work United 400, winning Stage 1. After falling back from the front late, Byron used a fast two-tire pit stop, and two timely cautions, to win his second consecutive race.

“That’s two in a row,” Byron said. “And I really don’t know which flag to keep as a souvenir – the checkered or the yellow. Sometimes, your reputation as a great driver is built on the backs of those not-so-great drivers.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick, historically dominant at Phoenix, blew by Kyle Larson for the lead late, but a sure win was foiled by a late caution. Harvick eventually finished fifth.

“Losing like this really sucks,” Harvick said. “Building such an insurmountable lead, only to have it wiped away by a caution, makes me sick to my stomach, much like Hunt Brothers Pizza.”

3. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Phoenix, and used a quick two-tire pit stop with eight laps to go to gain the lead. Larson was leading with two laps to go, but another late caution forced another restart, and Larson couldn’t hold off William Byron. Larson finished fourth.

“Let’s face it,” Larson said, “Kevin Harvick should have won this race. Harvick went by me on Lap 269 faster than Hunt Brothers Pizza through your digestive system.”

4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Phoenix, as all four Hendrick Motorsports cars finished in the top 10, with William Byron taking the win.

“Hendrick Motorsports builds cars that almost any driver can put in the top 10,” Bowman said. “Take Josh Berry, for example. He basically came off the street and was able to drive Chase Elliott’s car to success. So, driving a Hendrick car is a springboard to success, whereas Chase himself is a snowboard to the hospital.”

5. Christopher Bell: Bell posted his second top 10 with a sixth in the United Rentals Work United 500.

“Former Formula 1 world champions Jenson Button and Kimi Raikkonen are scheduled to drive in the Cup race at the Circuit Of The Americas on March 26th,” Bell said. “I think that would be a great time to prank those two guys by convincing them that NASCAR also begins races with a standing start.”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch overcame a slow Stage 2 pit stop and came back to finish eighth at Phoenix.

“It just goes to show that if you work hard and have a sizable budget,” Busch said, “anything is possible. That, of course, is a reference to my lawyer that got me out of that jam in Mexico. And yes, bribery does work.

“Some people are calling me the ‘Ja Morant of NASCAR. I think that’s a compliment. In any case, let’s holster that comparison for now.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 24th in the United Rentals Work United 500, after dropping from the top five on the final restart.

“Sometimes,” Chastain said, “your car is fast, like Michael Waltrip at Daytona in 2001. Sometimes, your car is slow, like Michael Waltrip running through the grid on Sunday. Mine was both.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano struggled with handling early and never was competitive up front on his way to an 11th-place finish at Phoenix.

“That handling caused early contact with Martin Truex Jr.,” Logano said. “Luckily, Martin didn’t get too angry. I mean, he could have pulled a ‘Mexican Kyle Busch’ and gone ‘ballistic.’”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started second at Phoenix but faded fast on the final restart, finishing 23rd.

“I just had no grip at the end,” Hamlin said, “which made the handling of my No. 11 Toyota a disaster. In a car sponsored by Shingrex, you could say my car drove like ”S’ on a shingle.’”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished second at Phoenix, posting his first top-5 finish of the season.

“Congratulations to William Byron,” Blaney said. “I think his celebration of putting on that oversized big hat is cool. Funny thing is, that hat would fit Ryan Newman perfectly.”

March 13, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Ross Chastain: Chastain started eighth and finished 12th in the Pennzoil 400.

“Kyle Busch won last week in California,” Chastain said. “I wanted to put myself in his place this week and win at Las Vegas. On that note, what would you get if you put Kyle in my car? ‘No. 1 with a bullet.’”

2. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished third in the Pennzoil 400 and Hendrick Motorsports went 1-2-3 at Las Vegas.

“My Hendrick teammate Chase Elliott will miss a few races after breaking his tibia in a snowboarding accident in Colorado,” Bowman said. “Chase had surgery and is recovering. Luckily, it’s all uphill from here.”

3. William Byron: Byron won Stages 1 and 2 on his way to the win at Las Vegas. A quick final pit stop put him ahead of Kyle Larson, and Byron, with two fresh tires, passed Martin Truex Jr. for the lead with two laps to go.

“When I have a car like that,” Byron said, “I feel like I’m pretty much unbeatable. If we can duplicate that on a weekly basis, I don’t think I can be stopped, except possibly by a freak roller skating accident.”

4. Kyle Busch: After winning at California a week ago, Busch was not in contention for the win at Las Vegas and finished 14th.

“I really had nothing good to say about my car,” Busch said. “Last week, people weren’t surprised to see me in Victory Lane. In Vegas, people weren’t surprised to see me complaining. My car owner is also famous for Richard Childress Wine. Now, with me, he’s known for ‘Richard Childress Whine.’”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth in the Pennzoil 400 at Las Vegas.

“This is my last year as a full-time Cup driver,” Harvick said. “If that ends with a championship, that will be great. Whatever the outcome, my plan is to pack my bags, minus guns and ammo, and ride off in the sunset, but definitely not on a snowboard.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano won the Busch Light pole but struggled with grip and handling before a spin ended his day with 88 laps left. He finished last in 36th.

“I took a spin through the infield grass and that ended my day,” Logano said. “Like a few people, I can say I left Vegas with a lot of ‘green.’”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Las Vegas and is sixth in the points standings.

“We race in Phoenix next week,” Hamlin said. “And that will end this season’s ‘West Coast Swing.’ I think I can speak for all drivers and say that none of us like swinging in the West Coast.’ If Tim Richmond were alive today, though, I think he would totally disagree with me.”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson was leading at Las Vegas with 4 laps to go before Aric Almirola’s spin resulted in a caution. In the ensuing pit stops, William Byron’s stop was a bit quicker, allowing Byron to come out ahead. Byron passed Martin Truex Jr. for the win, while Larson settled for the runner-up spot.

“It was an exciting race,” Larson said, “for the final two laps. The other 265 laps certainly lacked any drama whatsoever. In other words, it was a lot like the paint scheme of my No. 5 Chevrolet—-extremely boring.”

9. Daniel Suarez: Suarez finished 10th at Las Vegas, posting his third top 10 of the season.

“First Kyle Busch and his gun incident in Mexico,” Stenhouse said. “Then Chase Elliott breaks his leg in a snowboarding accident. I don’t know what possibly could be next, but it will probably be someone shooting themselves in the foot.”

10. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fifth at Las Vegas, recording his second top-five finish of the year.

“Danica Patrick joined Mike Joy and Clint Bowyer in the Fox broadcasting booth,” Bell said. “I think Danica brings a lot to the booth and makes it better. Ask Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., and he’ll tell you she’s what you call the ‘Ex-factor.’”

March 6, 2023