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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch won the Pala Casino 400 in Fontana in only his second start for Richard Childress Racing.

    “I knew I could win with RCR,” Busch said. “I’m a confident driver and I know I have the talent to win on any track. My skill set is unlimited. There may be more weapons in my skill set than in my luggage.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain won Stage 1 at Fontana and led 91 laps, but failed to capitalize with a win, settling for third.

    “It looks like Kyle Busch is still ‘Rowdy,’” Chastain said. “But is Kyle a true ‘outlaw?’ He’s not. I am. Because NASCAR outlawed my ‘around-the-outside’wall’ move at Martinsville. But NASCAR didn’t say anything about outlawing an ‘around-the-inside-wall’ move. I’ve got a feeling the physics will work a little differently on that one.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano followed up his runner-up finish at Daytona with a 10th at California.

    “Sure I’m disappointed that I haven’t won this season,” Logano said. “But it’s nice to know I have two Cup championships under my belt. And let me tell you, that’s a really uncomfortable place to keep them. I can only imagine the discomfort that Richard Petty and Jimmie Johnson must endure.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 11 laps and finished sixth at California.

    “That was the last race in California under its current two-mile configuration,” Hamlin said. “Once the reconfiguration is complete, it will be a ½-mile track. So, just like that, one and a half miles of Fontana will be gone. Most drivers and fans wish that all two miles of the track would disappear.”

    5. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished eighth in the Pala Casino 400.

    “Kyle Busch just had too much car for the rest of us at the end,” Bowman said. “Kudos to Richard Childress Racing, for giving Kyle a car with the firepower under the hood and not in the trunk.”

    6. Daniel Suarez: Suarez joined Trackhouse Racing teammate Ross Chastain in the top 10 with a fourth at California.

    “It’s always cool to have Tony Stewart in the Fox Sports booth calling the race,” Suarez said. “You can tell by Tony’s voice that he really misses racing and would love to be out there. I think what I’m trying to say is that Tony sounded ‘hungry.’”

    7. Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Daytona 500 winner Stenhouse finished 12th at California.

    “When you win the first race of the season,” Stenhouse said, “it’s hard to improve upon that. After the initial euphoria, I would expect things to steadily go downhill, much like my relationship with Danica Patrick.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the Pala Casino 400.

    “That was my 750th consecutive Cup start,” Harvick said. “That’s a long time. And Busch beer has been with me for most of it. Hunt Brothers Pizza has been with me for a long time too because that stuff is just so damn hard to digest.”

    9. Chris Buescher: Buescher finished 12th at California after starting the season with a strong fourth in the Daytona 500.

    “I like how we’re running so far,” Buescher said. “I know it’s early, but it’s never too late for another Kyle Busch gun incident joke. So here goes. ‘What did Kyle Busch say when his vacation ended in Mexico in January?’ ‘It’s time to bail.’”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott rebounded from a poor showing at Daytona with a solid runner-up finish in the Pala Casino 400.

    “It’s all about overcoming adversity,” Elliott said. “I’m not talking about my bad result at Daytona, I’m talking about having Kyle Larson as a teammate.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse overtook Joey Logano for the lead on an overtime restart, but a huge pileup behind necessitated another restart. Stenhouse again nailed the restart and won when Kyle Larson’s spin brought out the caution.

    “This is a great day for JTG Daugherty Racing,” Stenhouse said. “Not only does it mean I’ve won the Daytona 500 and I’ve qualified for the playoffs, it also means everyone will again be treated to Brad Daugherty’s mountain hillbilly accent. Brad’s never met a syllable he didn’t like.”

    2. Joey Logano: Defending Cup series champion Logano finished second in the Daytona 500.

    “I feel like NASCAR’s overtime rules robbed me of a chance to go for the win,” Logano said. “It’s like NASCAR’s rule book ‘handcuffed’ me, much like Mexico’s rule book did the same to Kyle Busch.”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell came home third at Daytona, finishing the race as Joe Gibbs Racing’s top finisher.

    “Let’s give it up for Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.,” Bell said. “He’s a real stand-up guy, and he’s been racing in the Cup series for 15 years, so he’s paid his dues. One thing he hasn’t paid is bail, to get out of a Mexican prison.”

    4. Chris Buescher: Buescher survived a wild Daytona 500 and navigated a big final lap wreck to come home fourth.

    “Driving for Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing has taught me a lot about how to be a successful driver,” Buescher said. “And Brad was especially kind enough to give me pointers on how to win at Daytona. Pointers I kindly ignored, because he’s 0-14 here.”

    5. Alex Bowman: Bowman started on the pole at Daytona and won Stage 1 on his way to a fifth-place finish.

    “This was the longest Daytona 500 in history,” Bowman said. “It went 211 laps, which is equivalent to 528 miles. That’s 28 extra miles than the advertised distance. And I think NASCAR needs to go the extra mile to fix or modify their jacked-up overtime rules.”

    6. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger posted his best Daytona 500 finish ever with a sixth.

    “I’m known as more of a road course expert,” Allmendinger said. “This result gives me confidence that I can post top 10 results on super speedways on a consistent basis, provided there’s a massive pileup which allows me to pass 15+ cars on the last lap.”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch took the lead on Lap 197 and was in position to make a move for the win late, but was caught in a wreck after the last restart and finished 19th.

    “Sure I’m disappointed,” Busch said, “but I can’t dwell on missed opportunities. For me, it’s on to the next race in California. That’s the life of a NASCAR driver—always traveling from one destination to the next. You know what they say about Kyle Busch—‘always packing.’”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished ninth at Daytona.

    “Erik Jones was driving the No. 43 car sponsored by legendary rock band Guns ‘N Roses,” Chastain said. “If you placed roses inside Kyle Busch’s suitcase, you would also get ‘Guns N’ Roses.’”

    9. Daniel Suarez: Suarez recovered from a late spin and finished seventh in the Daytona 500.

    “First of all,” Suarez said, “as a Mexican citizen, I’d like to speak on the Kyle Busch gun incident. Kyle’s always been known as a ‘loose cannon.” His recent ordeal in Mexico pretty much confirms that.

    “I just wonder what would happen to me if I was caught with a handgun and ammo here in America. I mean, besides being declared a national hero.”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th in the Daytona 500.

    “This is my final season as a full-time driver,” Harvick said. “I’ve been doing this so long, I remember when the Daytona 500 started at noon. I believe it’s just a matter of time before it has an 8 p.m. start time.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Phoenix and dominated on his way to the Cup championship, the second of his career.

    “I’m the champion,” Logano said. “Or, you can just call me driver ‘1A.’ All the other championship-round drivers? They are not ‘1A.’ And judging by their championship aspirations, they were also not ‘2B.’”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain started 25th and finished third at Phoenix, just coming up short as Joey Logano won the race and championship.

    “I still consider this season a success,” Chastain said. “Maybe I didn’t win the title, but the word ‘Chastaining’ will forever be in the racing lexicon.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 109 laps and finished second at Phoenix, completing the 2022 season without a win.

    “I honestly don’t know how to explain to someone why we couldn’t manage a single win,” Blaney said. “I mean, I could try, but my feeling is it would be a no-win situation.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Phoenix, posting his 16th top 10 of the season.

    “It was weird for me not racing for the championship,” Hamlin said. “It wasn’t weird for me not winning the championship.”

    5. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Phoenix.

    “I’m pleased with my finish,” Byron said. “No, it’s not a win, but it is a bit of momentum heading into next season. And I’m sure we could maintain that momentum if the Daytona 500 was tomorrow, and not three months from now.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott’s championship hopes were shattered when he spun on a final stage restart, with a little help from Ross Chastain. Elliott fell a lap down and never recovered, finishing 28th.

    “I’m devastated,” Elliott said. “But I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy or charity. And speaking of ‘charity,’ Chastain’s ‘helped’ a lot of people this season.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Phoenix.

    “Congratulations to Joey Logano,” Harvick said. “And congratulations to the Xfinity and Truck champs, Ty Gibbs and Zane Smith, respectively. I hear Gibbs might be the next big thing in the Cup series. And by ‘thing,’ I mean ‘douchebag.’”

    8. Christopher Bell: Bell suffered a horrible pit stop with less than 35 laps to go, which cost him several spots to Joey Logano and Ross Chastain. Bell wasn’t able to make his way to the front and finished a disappointing 10th.

    “My pit crew member got his finger stuck between the nut and the spindle,” Bell said. “That has to be incredibly painful. Still, I’m not sure who it hurt worse, me or him?”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished ninth at Phoenix.

    “Tough break for my Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “I’m sure it was unexpected when contact with Ross Chastain sent Chase for a spin. Of course, anytime Chase gets spun, it’s unexpected unless it’s me doing it. He’s come to expect that.”

    10. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe came home fourth at Phoenix, registering his sixth top-five of the season.

    “Seeing Joey Logano win the championship makes me hungry to work harder for a championship I can call my own,” Briscoe said. “Tony Stewart also said seeing Logano made him hungry, mostly because Joey’s nickname is ‘Sliced Bread.’ Tony also wished there was a driver nicknamed ‘Sandwich Meat.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh in the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville and joins Chase Elliott, Christopher Bell and Ross Chastain in the championship round.

    “We’re headed to Phoenix,” Logano said, “to race for all the marbles. And to win all the marbles, you’ve got to have the biggest pair of them.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain blasted his way into the championship round, pinning his No. 1 Chevy to the outside all and rocketing his way past Denny Hamlin for the fourth and final playoff spot.

    “It was totally worth it,” Chastain said. “One side of my car may be damaged beyond repair, but at least I’m on the ‘right side’ of the playoff field.”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell came through under pressure to win at Martinsville and advance to the championship round.

    “I’ve pulled out two must-win victories in the Playoffs,” Bell said. “Can I do it one more time at Phoenix? Maybe, but I’ll need all my fans to do the pulling, and then, hopefully, I can pull through.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stages 1 and 2 at Martinsville, but came up short and missed the championship round by one spot.

    “Ross Chastain did it to me again,” Hamlin said. “Not by wrecking my car, but by wrecking his.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott took 11th at Martinsville, which was enough to get him into the championship round at Phoenix.

    “It was too close for my liking,” Elliott said, “but I secured the last playoff spot. I was never really too worried that I wouldn’t qualify, but with it being the day before Halloween, I was a little scared.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third at Martinsville, but it wasn’t enough to advance to the championship round.

    “I didn’t win a single race this season,” Blaney said. “So, I don’t even belong in the championship round in the ‘first place.’”

    7. William Byron: Byron started 25th and made his way up to an eighth-place finish, but missed the championship round.

    “It looks like Ross Chastain got the last laugh in his season of confrontations with Denny Hamlin,” Byron said. “But if you think there was friction before Martinsville, then you haven’t seen what was going on between the wall and Chastain’s car.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 16th at Martinsville.

    “My No. 4 car had the words ‘Boosch’ on it,” Harvick said. “Ross Chastain was going so fast on that last lap, his car should have ‘Whoosh‘ on it.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Martinsville and finished second, one week after a dominant win at Homestead.

    “I saved my best for last,” Larson said, “which was much later than I needed it.”

    10. Daniel Suarez: Suarez finished 12th in the Xfinity 500.

    “Congratulations to my Trackhouse Racing teammate Ross Chastain,” Suarez said. “His wall-riding strategy was a brilliant strategy, but will NASCAR rule in the future that such a move is illegal? Ross may have opened up a can of worms, while his team may have opened a can of paint.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano finished 18th at Homestead.

    “I’m headed to Martinsville as the only driver to have already clinched a spot in the championship round,” Logano said. “So, when I check the gauges in my car and they all say ‘no pressure,’ it won’t be a problem.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home second in the Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead.

    “I’m second in the playoff standings,” Chastain said, “14 points to the good. It would take a virtual disaster for me not to make the playoffs, so I feel good about my prospects because I often am that disaster.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Homestead and will vie for one of the three remaining championship round playoff spots at Martinsville.

    “We’ll be in my home state of Virginia,” Hamlin said. “So, I’m hoping to make my place of birth my place of berth.”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 14th at Homestead and sits third in the playoff standings.

    “The deeper we get into the playoffs,” Elliott said, “the greater the pressure to win. So, at Martinsville, the tension will be different than one of those cheap hot dogs, because you can cut the tension with a knife.”

    5. William Byron: Byron started on the pole at Homestead and finished 12th in the Dixie Vodka 400.

    “I’m five points above the elimination line,” Byron said. “If NASCAR had not rescinded those penalty points for wrecking Denny Hamlin, I wouldn’t be in this position. So, I’m not sure if I should thank NASCAR for their consistency, or their lack of it.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 17th at Homestead.

    “I spun leaving the pits on the access road,” Blaney said. “It was totally my fault. I accidentally downshifted when I meant to upshift. It couldn’t have come at a worse time. So, very bad timing. Now, very good ‘timing’ would be me holding a grandfather clock after winning at Martinsville next week.”

    7. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 11th at Homestead.

    “I’ll need to win at Martinsville to advance to the championship round,” Bell said. “I pulled a rabbit out of the hat at Charlotte’s ROVAL to advance to the Round Of 8. I’ll need to pull another rabbit out of another place if I’m going to advance again.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Homestead, posting his 16th top 10 of the season.

    “If you think non-playoff drivers have nothing to gain by winning a race,” Harvick said, “then you’re partly right because we’ll ‘stop at nothing’ to win.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson dominated at Homestead, sweeping the stages and pulling away for an easy win, his third of the season.

    “I felt confident with Valvoline on my car,” Larson said. “Valvoline makes a great lubricant, and trust me, I’d much rather be ‘greased’ by Valvoline than ‘greased’ by Bubba Wallace.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 28 laps and posted a sixth in the Dixie Vodka 400.

    “Kyle Larson hit my rear bumper on pit road,” Truex said. “I knew it was an accident, so I kept my head. I remained calm, cool, and collected. That’s unlike Bubba Wallace, who wasn’t calm, wasn’t cool, and whose fine was collected by NASCAR.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano battled Ross Chastain over the closing laps and got by with three laps to go and held on to win the South Point 400 at Las Vegas.

    “I’m beyond thrilled,” Logano said. “I’m on to the championship round, which means I don’t have to worry at all about what happens at Homestead or Martinsville. So, fittingly, I’m going to take a ‘chip’ from Las Vegas and carry it on my shoulder for the next two races.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin came home fifth in the South Point 400, posting his eighth top 5 of the year.

    “We didn’t have the car to win at Las Vegas,” Hamlin said. “But I’m confident in our ability at Homestead next week. I like my chances there, especially since it’s not for the Cup championship.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled to find speed at Las Vegas and finished a disappointing 21st.

    “My No. 9 Hendrick Chevy was adorned with the Hooters paint scheme,” Elliott said. “That’s always a fun paint scheme because I’m always intrigued to see how many kids in the stands can figure out exactly what the owl’s eyes represent.”

    4. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Las Vegas, posting the best finish among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

    “My HMS teammate Kyle Larson had quite the race,” Byron said. “He got side-by-side with Bubba Wallace and forced the issue. Then they wrecked each other and had a confrontation afterward. So, Kyle played ‘chicken’ on and off the track.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was running strong at Las Vegas until a blown tire caused him to spin and hit the outside wall and then the inside wall.

    “When you crash and hit two walls,” Blaney said, “it pretty much tells you what you have to do in the next round: rebound.”

    6. Ross Chastain: Chastain took the lead with 16 laps to go at Las Vegas, but couldn’t hold off the charging Joey Logano, who got by Chastain with 3 to go for the win.

    “There wasn’t much I could do to stop Logano,” Chastain said. “I guess I could have wrecked him but is winning a race really worth it when I’ll then have to listen to another driver tell me ‘You’re on my list?’”

    7. Christopher Bell: Bell was caught up in the Kyle Larson-Bubba Wallace melee early in the race, the damage from which ended his day. Bell finished 34th.

    “I guess I was the collateral damage of the Larson-Wallace incident,” Bell said. “And how about their confrontation afterward? Kyle wanted no part of Bubba; Bubba wanted all parts of Kyle.”

    8. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished fourth at Las Vegas, a solid start to the Round of 8 playoffs for the Stewart-Haas Racing driver.

    “If we learned one thing from this race,” Briscoe said, “it’s that when push comes to shove, Kyle Larson will do neither.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 12th at Las Vegas.

    “I think we’re all sad to hear that Kurt Busch is retiring,” Logano said. “That sadness could only be tempered if his brother followed in his footsteps.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh in the South Point 400 at Las Vegas.

    “It’s hard to believe Kyle Busch’s hometown fans booed him when his wheel fell off late in the race,” Truex said. “But as someone who’s known Kyle and dealt with him for many years, I can totally understand it.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte ROVAL

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte ROVAL

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at Charlotte and will join race-winner and Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Christopher Bell in the Round Of 8.

    “If Bell needs any advice about how to successfully handle the pressure of being this deep into the playoffs,” Hamlin said, “he should come talk to me. And I’ll recommend a qualified person that he can speak with.”

    2. Chase Elliott: Elliott spun late at Charlotte and finished 20th.

    “My spot in the Round Of 8 was already secured,” Elliott said. “So my spin was merely a spin, and not a spin out.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole and finished 18th in the Bank Of America ROVAL 400, easily qualifying for the Round Of 8.

    “I hear NASCAR is investigating accusations of Stewart-Haas Racing’s Cole Custer for race manipulation to get Chase Briscoe in the playoffs,” Logano said. “I don’t recall NASCAR investigating when Matt Kenseth manipulated my rear bumper to get me out of the playoffs.”

    4. William Byron: Byron finished 16th at Charlotte and advanced to the next round of the playoffs.

    “NASCAR rescinded my 25-point fine for wrecking Denny Hamlin,” Byron said. “I applaud NASCAR for doing the right thing, even though I didn’t.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 26th at Charlotte, and moved on to the Round Of 8.

    “I’m the only winless driver remaining in the playoffs,” Blaney said. “Apparently, I’m saving my best for last, because I’m certainly not saving it for first.”

    6. Ross Chastain: Chastain won Stage 2 at Charlotte, but hit the wall in the final stage, damaging his right rear. He finished 37th, but still advanced to the Round Of 8.

    “I’m just happy to make it to the next round,” Chastain said. “Now, it’s ‘crunch time.’ So, my fellow playoff competitors should be wary, because when they hear me say ‘It’s crunch time,’ it usually means I’m getting ready to accidentally wreck them.”

    7. Christopher Bell: Bell took a dramatic win at Charlotte, using new tires on a late pit stop, got past Kevin Harvick on Lap 111 and pulled away for the win.

    “I’m not sure how we pulled that off,” Bell said. “Actually, you can replace ‘off’ with ‘out’ in that sentence, because we pulled that out of the dark recesses of our collective behinds.”

    8. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished ninth at Charlotte and snagged the eighth and final Round Of 8 playoff spot.

    “I knew I had to go after that final restart,” Briscoe said. “So I was driving like a man possessed. As a kid, I watched my current team owner Tony Stewart race with that same abandon, because he often drove like a man possessed to race to his next meal.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second in the Bank Of America ROVAL 400.

    “Congratulations to Christopher Bell for his race-winning pass,” Harvick said. “It was the second-biggest pass of the day. The biggest was my car passing inspection.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson hit the wall on Lap 98, breaking the right-rear toe link. He finished five laps down and was eliminated from the playoffs.

    “I don’t know what to say,” Larson said, “so I think it’s best to say nothing at all. That’s a mantra I’ve chosen to live by since the spring of 2020.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott passed Ryan Blaney on the final lap to win the YellaWood 500 at Talladega, advancing to the Round Of 8.

    “That final lap pass will be immortalized in that famous bar in my hometown of Dawsonville, Georgia,” Elliott said. “It will be a poster on the wall titled ‘The Dawsonville Pool Haul.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Talladega in a fairly uneventful YellaWood 500.

    “Not a lot happened in the race,” Hamlin said. “It’s a huge surprise when nothing ‘goes down’ in a NASCAR race, especially tires.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led with a lap to go at Talladega, but was passed by Chase Elliott, who crossed the line .046 of a second ahead of Blaney.

    “That’s a very slim margin,” Blaney said. “But it’s exactly the type of finish you’d expect from Chase and me because we’re ‘very close.’”

    4. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished fourth at Talladega.

    “My No. 1 car sported the ‘Jockey’ underwear paint scheme,” Chastain said. “It goes without saying that I always appreciate their support.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano struggled to a 27th-place finish at Talladega.

    “Luckily,” Logano said, “I’m still fifth in the playoff standings. That means I don’t necessarily have to go to Charlotte’s roval with the intention of winning. In other words, I have ‘cushion for not pushin.””

    6. William Byron: Byron finished 12th at Talladega and is 10th in the playoff standings, 11 points below the Round Of 8 cut line.

    “I was docked 25 points for spinning Denny Hamlin at Texas,” Byron said. “I guess, much like Denny, I was asking for it.”

    7. Christopher Bell: Bell struggled at Talladega and finished 17th, failing to collect a single stage point.

    “I think everyone’s in agreement that the ‘Next Gen’ car is garbage,” Bell said. “But what is NASCAR doing about it? Nothing, it appears. I think their attitude is: ‘We’ll let the next generation deal with it.”

    8. Daniel Suarez: Suarez finished eighth at Talladega and is seventh in the playoff standings.

    “Oddly enough,” Suarez said, “there was no ‘Big One’ at Talladega. There wasn’t even a ‘Big 1,’ which is what happens when Ross Chastain causes a wreck.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson started second and finished 18th at Talladega.

    “I’m sixth in the playoff standings,” Larson said. “If the standings were based on the level of excitement of your car’s paint scheme, I would finish last every week.”

    10. (tie) Erik Jones: Jones finished sixth in the YellaWood 500, and was responsible for giving Chase Elliott the push that allowed Elliott to pass Ryan Blaney for the win.

    “This may be the closest the No. 43 car will come to making a championship impact,” Jones said, “since Richard Petty’s last championship in 1979.”

    10. (tie) Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished 10th at Talladega, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

    “I’m currently eighth in the playoff standings,” Briscoe said. “I’m getting advice from my car owner Tony Stewart, and he tells me I’ve got to ‘stay hungry.’ Coming from Tony, I know that’s good advice, because I know he’s lived it.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Denny Hamlin finished 10th at Texas.

    “I had a late run-in with William Byron,” Hamlin said. “He said he didn’t mean to spin me. I can tell you my response to that will be ‘pre-meditated,’ because I’m definitely going to think very spiritually about it before I do it.”

    2. Chase Elliott: Elliott slammed the wall with 27 laps remaining in Stage 2, and his No. 9 NAPA Chevy caught fire before coming to rest in the infield grass.

    “At the time,” Elliott said, “I was leading the race. I was smoking the field, and continued to do so.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Texas and tried to chase down Tyler Reddick over the closing laps, but couldn’t get close enough and settled for the runner-up spot.

    “It’s a great points day for us,” Logano said. “For a lot of playoff drivers, it was a great finger points day.”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 at Texas and finished fourth at Texas.

    “This race had it all,” Blaney said. “Heat, rain, lighting, as well as high winds from all the air leaving tires.”

    5. William Byron: Byron posted a solid seventh in the EchoPark Automotive 500.

    “I honestly didn’t mean to spin Denny Hamlin,” Byron said. “I’m ‘positive’ of that, and that’s also the same result I’d get on a lie detector test.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson posted a solid ninth at Texas, joining Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron in the top 10.

    “Despite my good result,” Larson said, “I’m not a big fan of this track. I said earlier they should tear it to the ground and start over. You know, like I did with my career that time.”

    7. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 13th at Texas, and is 18 points above the cut line as the series heads to Talladega.

    “I won at Talladega in the spring,” Chastain said, “so I feel pretty confident I can leave there still in good playoff standing. I’m going to Talladega with the mindset of ‘just stay out of trouble.’ And since no other driver wants to be near me on the track out of fear I’ll wreck them, it should be smooth sailing for me.”

    8. Christopher Bell: Bell suffered a variety of issues at Texas, all of which contributed to his retirement on Lap 136. He finished 34th.

    “I went from 4 points above the cut line,” Bell said, “to 29 points below it. Much like tires at Texas, this blows.”

    9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick led 70 laps and won the EchoPark Automotive 500 at Texas, his third win of the year.

    “The name of the race was quite fitting,” Reddick said. “Apparently, the ‘echo’ in that race name obviously referred to all of the drivers saying ‘I blew a tire.’”

    10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Like many other drivers, Truex blew a tire and slammed the wall on Lap 268. He finished 31st.

    “Once upon a time,” Truex said, “there was a thing called the ‘tire wars.’ I suggest we revisit that because I declare war on Goodyear.”

    10. (tie) Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished fifth at Texas, posting his fourth top-five of the season.

    “After a race like that at Texas,” Briscoe said, “I’ve just got one question: Were the jets used in the pre-race flyover transporting any immigrants anywhere?”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Night Race

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Night Race

    Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott — Elliott finished second at Bristol and easily advanced to the Round of 12.

    “I recently said I don’t think NASCAR should try to compete head-to-head with NFL football,” Elliott said. “NASCAR can try to silence me, but that’s just because they’re afraid to tackle the issues affecting our sport.”

    2. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished ninth at Bristol and advanced into Round 2 of the playoffs.

    “I had already clinched a spot in the second round of the playoffs after Stage 1,” Hamlin said. “Usually, when I say my race is done early, it’s because Ross Chastain wrecked me.”

    3. Christopher Bell — Bell won Stage 2 at Bristol and easily advanced to Round 2 of the playoffs.

    “I like my chances to become Cup champion,” Bell said. “If that happens, it may be one of the greatest upsets in NASCAR history. Most of the ‘greatest upsets’ in NASCAR history belong to Kyle Busch.”

    4. William Byron — Byron finished third at Bristol and advanced to Round 2 of the playoffs.

    “All four Hendrick Motorsports drivers made the Round of 12,” Byron said. “At Bristol, the term ‘all four’ was prevalent, used often to say ‘All four of his tires are not on.’”

    5. Ross Chastain — Chastain finished sixth at Bristol and advanced to the Round of 12.

    “A few drivers had their playoff hopes wrecked at Bristol,” Chastain said. “Those were wrecks I had nothing to do with.”

    6. Joey Logano — Logano came home 27th at Bristol and is on to Round 2 of the playoffs.

    “That was my 500th Cup start,” Logano said. “That’s a lot. Some people, like Matt Kenseth, say it’s 500 too many.”

    7. Kyle Larson — Larson finished fifth at Bristol, posting his 11th top-five of the season.

    “I recently signed a three-year extension with Hendrick Motorsports,” Larson said. “I haven’t checked the fine print, but given my history, I’m sure there is some fine print.”

    8. Ryan Blaney — Blaney had numerous tire issues and finished 30th at Bristol, but still advanced to Round 2 of the playoffs.

    “I felt the same way as a lot of fans in attendance,” Blaney said, “because I was wildly cheering the misfortune of Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick.”

    9. Chris Buescher — Buescher won at Bristol, becoming the third consecutive non-playoff driver to win a playoff race.

    “Normally,” Buescher said, “I wouldn’t really be thrilled to be mentioned in the same breath with Erik Jones and Bubba Wallace.”

    10. (tie): Kyle Busch — Busch blew an engine just past the halfway point at Bristol and finished 34th, which eliminated him from the playoffs.

    “That’s my second blown engine in the last three races,” Busch said. “So, I lead all drivers in blown engines, and easily lead all drivers in blown gaskets and blown fuses.”

    10. (tie) Kevin Harvick — Harvick was running near the front until a disastrous pit stop on Lap 438 when his pit crew failed to fully secure his left-rear tire. The lost track position left Harvick in 10th, where he finished.

    “I needed a win to advance,” Harvick said. “But unfortunately, I needed a fifth wheel to finish the race. And speaking of ‘fifth wheels,’ my pit crew is one.”