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Author: Jeffrey Boswell

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin chased down Bubba Wallace over the closing laps, but couldn’t get close enough to make the pass, instead settling for his second-consecutive runner-up finish.

“Congratulations to my 23XI Racing driver,” Hamlin said. “If I could have gotten a little closer, I was getting ready to make a ‘boss’ move.”

2. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 11th in the Hollywood Casino 400 at Kansas.

“We needed a solid performance,” Elliott said, “and we got it. I wasn’t happy with my performance at Darlington. By ‘backing it into the wall,’ I left my back against the wall.”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth at Kansas.

“Congratulations to Bubba Wallace on his win,” Blaney said. “That’s two straight wins by non-playoff drivers. I’m just the opposite: a non-winning playoff driver.”

4. Christopher Bell: Bell finished third at Kansas and clinched a spot to the second round of the playoffs.

“This takes a lot of the pressure off of me,” Bell said. “I don’t need to win; there are a lot of drivers who do. So, while they’re going ‘balls to the wall’ at Bristol, my balls will be in a much safer place.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Kansas and finished 17th, one lap down.

“North Wilkesboro will host the 2023 All-Star Race,” Logano said. “I think it’s great because NASCAR is going back to its roots. The only roots in Los Angeles, where last year’s race was held, are those being dyed in the hair of those L.A. posers.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished eighth in the Hollywood Casino 400.

“I’m 27 points above the playoff cut line of 12th place,” Larson said. “So, barring a disaster, I should advance. I’m really excited to defend my championship, because trust me, defending a championship is much better than defending yourself.”

7. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Kansas.

“The Bristol Night Race is going to be huge,” Byron said. “It’s on a Saturday, and some playoff drivers need a win just to advance to the next round. It’s going to be intense, and must-see TV. As the driver of the car with the ‘Liberty University’ paint scheme on his car, I can promise you fans will be watching as intently as Jerry Falwell, Jr. watches his wife and the pool boy.”

8. Ross Chastain: Chastain solidified his playoff standing with a seventh at Kansas.

“That’s right,” Chastain said, “I’m a good bet to make the second round of the playoffs. Personally, I’m thrilled that I’ll be able to make an impact in the second round. There are at least 11 other drivers that feel otherwise.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 26th at Kansas a spin on Lap 130 resulted in two flat tires, leaving him a lap down.

“I’m headed to Richard Childress Racing in 2023,” Busch said. “They made a deal with me, so now they have to deal with me.”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s day ended early at Kansas when he slammed the wall after getting loose while racing in tight quarters with Ross Chastain and Bubba Wallace. Harvick finished last in 36th.

“That’s a finish of 33rd and 36th for me in the playoffs,” Harvick said. “The bad news? I’m the coldest driver in the playoffs. The good news? I’m not ‘on fire.’”

“In regards to what happened at Darlington, I’m surprised Busch didn’t create a new marketing campaign around the slogan, ‘You got a light?’”

September 12, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott lost control with two laps to go in Stage 1, hitting the wall and bouncing into the path of Chase Briscoe. The damage was severe, and his team failed to repair it in the allotted 10 minutes, forcing Elliott’s retirement, in last place.

“This is the last thing we needed to happen,” Elliott said. “You might as well call it the ‘Worst Chase Scenario.’ I hear down at the Dawsonville Pool Hall, they’re saying I put myself behind the 8-ball.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started strong in the Playoffs, finishing second in the Cook Out Southern 500.

“It’s important to get off to a good start,” Hamlin said. “You can’t win the championship in the first round of the Playoffs, but you sure can lose it. You can also lose the championship in the last round of the Playoffs.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano started from the pole at Darlington and finished fourth.

“I issued a warning before the race to William Byron,” Logano said. “I said, ‘You don’t want to mess with me’ in regards to our issue at the Darlington spring race. Don’t discount me, I can make a threat, even though I look like the least-threatening driver in all of motorsports.”

4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home 13th at Darlington.

“How about Erik Jones winning in the No. 43 car?” Blaney said. “That car number was made famous by the legendary Richard Petty. Petty is the ‘King,’ and he would like everyone to ‘ST(o)P‘ with the silly comparisons.”

5. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fifth at Darlington.

“Considering the attrition in the race,” Bell said, “I’m just glad I finished. A lot of other drivers, well, they’re just finished.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson suffered engine issues at Darlington and fell three laps down, but diligently worked his way back to the lead lap and finished a remarkable 12th.

“I’m quite experienced at digging myself out of holes I created,” Larson said. “And that other time, I certainly didn’t get a ‘free pass.’

“I was a little discouraged when I began to have trouble early in the race. But then I thought, ‘I’ve salvaged a career; it should be easy to salvage a day.”

7. William Byron: Byron won Stage 1 at Darlington, but couldn’t capitalize the rest of the way and finished eighth.

“The ‘Track Too Tough To Tame’ really lived up to its name,” Byron said. “And if you ask Kevin Harvick, he’ll tell you the Cook Out Southern 500 did as well, especially the ‘Cook Out’ part.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 2 at Darlington, and was leading under caution when his engine blew with 23 laps remaining. “This racetrack really did a number on me and other playoff drivers,” Busch said. “And that number is the ‘No. 2.’

“It would be amazing if I could win a championship before I sign a new contract. That would give my value a good chance to catch up to my ego.”

9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick saw a solid effort at Darlington come to an end when his rocker panel ignited, causing a fiery end to his night on Lap 276.

“Luckily,” Harvick said, “I was able to stop the car safely and get out, despite the cockpit being full of smoke. If that would have happened in Tyler Reddick’s 3CHI-sponsored car, then that’s the ultimate ‘hot box.’”

10 (tie). Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was leading late at Darlington, but a dramatic engine failure ended his day on Lap 333.

“Just because I’m ineligible to win the championship,” Truex said, “doesn’t mean I’m going to roll over to the drivers who are. I may be out of the Playoffs, but I’m not out of the way.”

10 (tie). Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 20th at Darlington when a tire issue in Stage 2 set him back in the field.

“Of course it’s not the start to the postseason I wanted,” Chastain said. “But I’m just happy to be in the Playoffs. At the beginning of the year, most people thought I couldn’t make the Playoffs. Well, guess what? I crashed the Playoffs, and with apologies to Denny Hamlin, Martin Truex, Jr., and others, it most likely won’t be the last thing I crash.”

September 5, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 29th at Daytona, and will start the playoffs in first with a 15-point lead over second-place Joey Logano.

“I’m also 21 points ahead of Kyle Larson,” Elliott said. “Twenty-one points may not sound like much, but in the NASCAR playoffs, it’s pretty substantial. Of course, I want to maintain that lead, so I suggest Kyle ‘keep his distance’ from me.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 at Daytona and finished 12th in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

“I just signed a long-term extension with Penske Racing,” Logano said. “And I can’t wait to tell everyone, especially Kyle Busch.”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran into early trouble when he was collected in a crash triggered when Denny Hamlin sent Erik Jones spinning in front of the field. Blaney’s No. 12 suffered heavy damage but was able to stay in the race, finishing 15th, and claiming the final playoff spot.

“After that crash,” Blaney said, “I really didn’t know what to think. Luckily, my No. 12 Chevy was sponsored by a well-known auto parts franchise, and having the word ‘Advance’ on the side of my car told me exactly what I needed to do.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch took Stage 2 in the Coke Zero Sugar 400 and finished 10th, posting his 12th top 10 of the year.

“In regards to my contract situation,” Busch said, “Toyota executive David Wilson said, ‘I don’t want to race against a pissed-off Kyle Busch.’ My potential teammates probably have a somewhat similar view, ‘because they just don’t want to race with Kyle Busch, pissed off or otherwise.”

5. Kyle Larson: Larson’s No. 5 Chevrolet overheated on lap 31, forcing him to the garage on lap 31. He finished last in 37th.

“Speaking of hot,” Larson said, “Chase Elliott is still irritated with me about the finish at Watkins Glen. But I say let bygones be bygones. Hopefully, Chase can put it behind him as much as he wants to put me behind him.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was knocked out of contention in the Coke Zero 400 when he was caught up in the “Big One” on lap 139. He continued and finished 20th.

“You can’t take chances with the weather at superspeedways,” Harvick said. “Take it from me, when you’re doing close to 200 miles per hour and you see liquid on the track, the Kevin Harvick ‘4-Cast’ calls for a 100% chance of liquid in your pants.”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was leading at Daytona when a sudden downpour caused most of the field to lose traction, causing the “Big One.” After a long rain delay, racing resumed and Hamlin finished 25th.

“NASCAR should have stopped the race sooner,” Hamlin said. “But I can’t fully blame NASCAR officials. They have about as much control of the weather as they do over Ross Chastain.”

8. Christopher Bell: Bell was one of many drivers involved in the “Big One” on lap 139. He finished 36th and will start the playoff with 2011 points, 29 back of Chase Elliott in first.

“That wreck took out a lot of the big names,” Bell said. “And that left a lot of names in the top 10 that were not household names. It was a veritable ‘Who’s Who?’ of ‘Who is that?’”

9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Daytona, but it wasn’t enough to put him in the playoffs as first-time season winner Austin Dillon took the surprising win.

“One minute,” Truex said, “I’m in the playoffs. The next minute, I’m not. But that’s just the uncertainty of the final regular season race at Daytona: you can go from ‘OK’ to ‘KO‘ in a heartbeat.”

10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 33rd at Daytona.

“I’m seeded third in the playoff standings,” Chastain said. “And I’m sure the playoffs are going to be wild, especially with me in them. Fans and drivers alike are eager to find who I can eliminate from the playoffs first: me, or another driver.”

August 28, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at rainy Watkins Glen and was poised to take the win. But a late restart was his downfall, as Kyle Larson out-dragged him for the lead with five laps to go. Elliott finished fourth.

“You could tell in my post-race interview that I was holding back my anger,” Elliott said. “I know better than to criticize my teammate and create a distraction in this team. I’m just trying to be the better man, and doing that is easy, because I am.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 2 at Watkins Glen and finished third.

“2007 Formula 1 champion Kimi Räikkönen was in the field at Watkins Glen,” Logano said. “You could tell by his finish of 36th that Kimi is unfamiliar with NASCAR. You could tell that NASCAR fans aren’t familiar with a driver when they can’t say or spell his name.”

3. Kyle Larson: Larson stalked Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott over the final laps at Watkins Glen, and finally forced his way by on the final restart. Then Larson repelled the challenge of A.J. Allmendinger to win the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“I won the race by taking the inside line,” Larson said. “Chase Elliott says being shoved out of the way by a teammate is an inside job.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 12th in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“Racing in the rain is not my cup of tea,” Harvick said. “In fact, I don’t even drink tea, unless it’s made by Busch.

“My in-car camera for the race was sponsored by Northern Tool. Many drivers refer to Connecticut-born Joey Logano as the ‘Northern Tool.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 20th in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“Sunday’s race started in the rain,” Hamlin said. “And I wasn’t much of a factor. I’m not much of a wet weather driver. There’s only one thing I like less than rain on the track, and that’s Ross Chastain.”

6. Christopher Bell: Bell challenged up front in the final stage at Watkins Glen and came home with an eighth, his 14th top 10 of the year.

“Sunday’s race featured quite the international flavor,” Bell said. “There were drivers representing six other countries besides the United States. And I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that Ward Burton still has an accent harder to understand than all of theirs.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 24th at Watkins Glen, and has a 26-point advantage over Martin Truex Jr. as the two battle for the final playoff spot.

“I still haven’t officially clinched a spot in the playoffs,” Blaney said. “So I’m going to Daytona with my fingers crossed, my stomach in a knot, my panties in a twist, and my sphincter in a clinch.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“The outcome of the race hinged on a team’s early ability to switch from wet tires to dry tires,” Truex said. “Substitute ‘pants’ for ‘tires’ in that sentence, and you’ve successfully described a fan’s experience in the Daytona 500 infield.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch’s chances to win at Watkins Glen unraveled when he was penalized on a late pit stop for pitting outside his pit box. Then a spin and contact with the wall left him further down the order. Busch eventually finished 32nd, one lap down.

“I’m still entrenched in contract negotiations,” Busch said. “And it’s frustrating. I’m a two-time Cup series champion—–teams should be fighting over me. Even my mortal enemy Brad Keselowski agrees. He says I’d be an ‘ass-et’ to any team.”

10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 21st at Watkins Glen.

“If famous statesman Ben Franklin were alive today,” Chastain said, “he would no doubt update one of his famous sayings to include me, because ‘Nothing is certain except for death, taxes, and Ross Chastain being involved in an accident.’”

August 21, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Richmond, posting his ninth top five of the year.

“Short track racing is the best,” Elliott said. “There were a lot of cars making contact on the track, which I’m sure the fans love. But really, what the fans really want to see are drivers making contact, off the track.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano powered to the Stage 2 win, but faded late and eventually finished sixth at Richmond.

“We led a race-high 222 laps,” Logano said, “but once the sun went down, we struggled to find the right balance. That’s what’s known as the ‘NASCAR gods throwing shade’ at me.”

3. Kevin Harvick: One week after winning at Michigan, Harvick surged late and held off Chris Buecher and Christopher Bell to win at Richmond.

“It was Cup win number 60,” Harvick said. “That’s a number that some of these younger drivers have a hard time fathoming. They hear ‘Kevin Harvick’ and ’60’ and think, ‘I thought he was older.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Richmond.

“Kevin Harvick is the hottest driver in NASCAR right now,” Hamlin said. “Once the NASCAR playoffs start, I contend Harvick will be a ‘4’ to be reckoned with.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was clipped early by Ricky Stenhouse Jr. who missed pit road and swerved into the path of Truex’s No. 19 Toyota. Truex fell a lap down but recovered to post a seventh at Richmond.

“Stenhouse’s car was primarily sponsored by Kleenex,” Truex said. “That should come in handy for him because as I’m in a fight to make the playoffs, I don’t need a snot-nosed kid getting in my way.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran in the top 10 for the majority of the race on his way to a 10th in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

“My car sported the ‘Body Armor’ paint scheme,” Blaney said. “And in today’s racing climate, I can’t stress enough the importance of having Body Armor. ‘Body armor’ is practically a must-have, especially with Ross Chastain on the track.”

7. Christopher Bell: Bell charged late at Richmond, but couldn’t catch Kevin Harvick and settled for the runner-up finish in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

“I tried my best to catch Kevin Harvick there at the end,” Bell said. “But I just couldn’t get closer to the ‘Closer.’

“But congratulations to Harvick on his 60th win. That’s 58 more Cup wins that I have, and 59 more facial hairs than I have.’

8. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Richmond and finished 14th, one lap down, in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

“We just couldn’t get the car dialed in,” Larson said. “So it was a frustrating day for me. But I’ve learned that when I’m frustrated, I should keep my head down and keep my mouth shut, with special priority on the ‘keep my mouth shut’ part.”

“But answer me this. Is there a valid reason the Federated Auto Parts 400 is not abbreviated the ‘FAP 400?’ I’m guessing there is”.

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished ninth in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

“I made contact with Ross Chastain at one point during the race,” Busch said. “But then again, who hasn’t?

“Kevin Harvick tied me with his 60th Cup series win. That does not make me ‘Happy.’ And it may be the first time I’ve been on the same ‘page’ with Harvick.”

10. Ross Chastain: Chastain won Stage 1 and finished 18th at Richmond.

“Another day,” Chastain said, “another wreck that was my fault. I’m pretty sure I’ve set a record this year, for most apologies in one season. My No. 1 Chevy had ‘Be A Moose’ on it; maybe it should have read ‘Be At Fault.’”

August 14, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott overcame a slow start to post an 11th at Michigan.

“There are three races left in the regular season,” Elliott said, “so the pressure is going to be immense for some drivers. But not for me. While some drivers are thinking about just making the playoffs, I’ll be thinking about winning the championship. There the playoff bubble, and there’s the playoff bubbly.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at Michigan, posting his sixth top-five of the season.

“Congratulations to Kevin Harvick,” Logano said. “They don’t call him ‘The Closer’ for nothing. I hear they used to call Tim Richmond ‘The Opener,’ because he had a drinking problem.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 and came home third in the FireKeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.

“If not for a pit road speeding penalty,” Hamlin said, “I could have won this race. But this just goes to show you what I can accomplish when I’m completely focused on racing and not Ross Chastain.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth at Michigan, but with Kevin Harvick’s win, finds himself in a perilous playoff predicament.

“The words ‘Kevin Harvick winning’ is painful to my ears,” Truex said. “I think there’s only one other thing that would pain my ears even more, and that’s Brad Daugherty’s southern accent.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home fifth at Michigan, recording his eighth top-five of the year.

“I’m still searching for my first win this season,” Blaney said. “But I’m battling hard with Martin Truex Jr. to see who can not win the best.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson overcame a pit road speeding penalty and charged toward the front during Stage 3 to finish seventh in the FireKeepers Casino 400.

“I was just a bit unlucky,” Larson said. “But as they say in this sport, ‘Those are the breaks.’ Or as they say about Kyle Larson, ‘Those are the brakes, and they either don’t work, or I don’t use them properly.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain was a threat to win until a late speeding penalty left him a lap down. He finished 24th, one lap down.

“My day at Michigan wasn’t a total loss,” Chastain said. “I had contact with Christopher Bell with 41 laps to go. Why do I consider that a good thing? Because I was involved in an accident that wasn’t my fault. Victories are awesome, and so are small victories.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick pulled away on the final restart and won at Michigan, snapping a 65-race winless streak and clinching a playoff spot.

“That’s a huge weight off my shoulders,” Harvick said, “and right onto Martin Truex’s and Ryan Blaney’s.

“And of course, my victory calls for a post-race celebratory meal of Hunt Brothers Pizza and Busch Light. And the next morning, I think it will hit me, that the implications of this win are astronomical and gastronomical.”

9. Christopher Bell: Bell started strong at Michigan, capturing Stage 1, but contact with Ross Chastain midway through Stage 3 left him with a damaged car. He eventually finished 26th.

“I’m disappointed,” Bell said. “I’m disappointed because I could have won the race, but mostly I’m disappointed because I was in an accident with Ross Chastain and it was my fault. That disappointment will soon become embarrassment because I’ll find myself in a situation in which Chastain has to teach me a lesson.”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch’s Sunday ended early when he was collected in a huge pileup after a lap 25 restart, one of 11 cars affected. Busch finished 36th and has now gone eight straight races without a top 10 finish.

“I just can’t buy any luck,” Busch said. “If I could buy any luck, it would be in the following manner: I would buy out the contract of J.J. Yeley and have him replaced with a competent driver. There’s no way my luck wouldn’t improve after that.”

August 8, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indy Road Course

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 17th in the Verizon 200 at Indianapolis.

“I was battling for the lead on a late restart and got spun from behind,” Elliott said. “It’s always a crapshoot going into Turn 1 at Indy. There’s only one thing you can say about Indy’s Turn 1, and that is that more than 1 will be turned.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at Indy, recording his ninth top-10 result of the season.

“A race on the Indy road course is incredibly more entertaining than a Brickyard 400,” Logano said. “Heck, you could even say that Turn 1 in this race alone packed more excitement than 27 years of the Brickyard 400.”

3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick took the lead on Lap 62 at Indy and survived several restarts to win the Verizon 200, taking his second win of the year.

“That’s also my second road course win,” Reddick said. “I think that easily establishes me as the greatest race car driver who looks absolutely nothing like a great race car driver. My apologies to Indy car great Bobby Rahal, who used to hold that distinction”.

4. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 2 in the Verizon 200, but had a top 10 finish derailed by a flat tire with six laps to go. He eventually finished 12th.

“I braked a little too heavily entering Turn 12,” Bell said, “and flat spotted the right-front tire. That’s what happens under braking at Indy, especially when you’re over-braking.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 15th in the Verizon 200 as no Joe Gibbs Racing cars placed in the top 10.

“That was my 600th career Cup start,” Hamlin said. “That’s impressive, and it’s really the story of my career because I can start with the best of ’em, but I can’t finish as the best of ’em.”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 12th at Indy.

“I’m still a free agent,” Busch said, “so I’m weighing my options. Trust me, I’ve had offers. Many have been for me to go to this team, and many have been for me to go to that team, but most have been for me to go to hell.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain charged late and briefly took the lead over Tyler Reddick when he bailed on Turn 1 and took the access road through. Alas, Reddick got back by Chastain, and NASCAR deemed Chastain’s pass illegal anyway, a penalty which relegated him to 27th.

“NASCAR is really cracking down on drivers taking shortcuts,” Chastain said. “Just ask Denny Hamlin or Kyle Busch. Suffice it to say that if it’s me ‘cutting corners,’ NASCAR has ‘straightened’ me out.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 22nd at Indy, and is fifth in the points standings, 133 out of first.

“I’m good on points for the playoffs,” Truex said, “but it would be nice to get a win and clinch it for sure. And I’m sure I can get it. In fact, I guarantee I’ll get in. I’m confident in my abilities, and when you’re confident in yourself, you’re a lot like Kyle Larson’s brakes—there’s no stopping you.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney used a bold fuel-only pit stop early at Indy, which worked out until he was collected in one of many Turn 1 incidents. A sure top five turned into a 27th-place finish.

“The fuel-only pit stop was crucial,” Blaney said, “and obviously the right decision. I mean, it’s a quicker stop without tires, and you gain lots of track position. It’s a ‘win-win’ situation, which is two more wins that I have so far this year.”

10. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger finished seventh in the Verizon 200, one day after triumphing in the Xfinity Series race.

“Sunday’s was a grueling race for me,” Allmendinger said. “Not only was the cooling system in my race suit not working, but I also ran out of water. I was overheated but was still able to push the car to the limit. Heat exhaustion aside, I can still appreciate being called ‘Hot Flash.’”

August 1, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in the M&M’s Fan Appreciation 400 at Pocono, but was awarded the win when first and second place winners Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch were disqualified.

“My goals this season are twofold,” Elliott said. “First and foremost, I want to win my second Cup championship. Secondly, I want to see if I can convince fans to select me as NASCAR’s most popular driver for the fifth time, even with this villainous mustache.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin got past Ross Chastain on a Lap 19 restart and held off Kyle Busch over the final laps to win at Pocono, his seventh career win at the Tricky Triangle. But the win was later negated when Hamlin’s No. 11 car failed post-race inspection.

“This might be the biggest story in all of the sports world,” Hamlin said. “I may be biased, but I think NASCAR is the greatest sport in the world. In short, NASCAR rules.

“As for Chastain, if by ‘got past’ you mean ‘sent into the wall, then yes, that’s what happened. Ross had this coming, so it was well-deserved, and well, deserved. Sending a message to Chastain was No. 1 on my list of things to do, and I obviously sent it Fed Ex Priority.”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch took second in the M&M’s Fan Appreciation 400, but was disqualified after failing post-race inspection.

“I’m gonna plead ignorance,” Busch said. “I tried that in court once for a reckless driving charge, and it didn’t work.

“But if you want to hear about a real ‘Tricky Triangle,’ ask me about my agent, Joe Gibbs Racing, and myself in contract talks.”

4. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 34th after Denny Hamlin squeezed him into the wall on a restart with 19 laps to go. Chastain’s No. 1 Chevy bounced off the wall and into the path of Kevin Harvick’s No. 4 Ford.

“It’s one thing to have it coming,” Chastain said, “and it’s another thing to see it coming. I had both.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth at Pocono as all four Joe Gibbs Racing cars posted top-10 finishes, although Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch were later disqualified

“What a day for Joe Gibbs,” Truex said. “Not only did JGR cars dominate, but his grandson Ty Gibbs subbed for Kurt Busch and looked strong with an 18th-place finish. It all adds up to Joe’s belief that any Busch brother, Kurt or Kyle, especially, is replaceable.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney got loose coming out of Turn 3 and slammed the inside wall hard on Lap 136. He finished 35th.

“Wow,” Blaney said, “I can’t believe Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch were disqualified. Those are some high profile ‘DQ’s.’ You know what else is a high profile ‘DQ?’ Any Dairy Queen at which Jimmy Spencer chooses to eat.”

7. Christopher Bell: Bell followed up his win at New Hampshire with a solid sixth at Pocono.

“Make that a fourth,” Bell said. “Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch were disqualified for failing post-race inspection, and since I also drive for Joe Gibbs Racing, I’d like to disassociate myself from them.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 22nd at Pocono.

“There’s gonna be a race next season in Chicago on a street circuit,” Logano said. “The race is scheduled for July 2nd, 2023, and I’m expecting it to be a huge success. I mean, how can it not be great for the city? It’s Chicago, for Christ’s sake; having race cars flying through the streets means there won’t be bullets doing the same.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished third in the M&M’s Fan Appreciation 400 at Pocono.

“First and second place finishers Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch were disqualified for failing post-race inspections,” Larson said. “There are words in this sport you never want to hear, and as an expert on the subject, I can tell you definitively that ‘disqualification’ is high on the list.”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a disappointing 29th at Pocono after suffering damage when he was collected in the Denny Hamlin-Ross Chastain incident with 19 laps to go.

“I may be one of the oldest drivers in the Cup series,” Harvick said, “but I’m sick and tired of being the ‘adult in the room.’ I hate being collateral damage in someone else’s feud. It disgusts me and leaves a bad taste in my mouth, just like Busch Light Apple.”

July 25, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott, seeking his second consecutive win, took the runner-up spot at New Hampshire. He leads the points standings by 16 over Ross Chastain.

“Christopher Bell just left me in the dust,” Elliott said. “He beat me by over five seconds. In other words, he ‘went off,’ unlike the siren at the Dawsonville Pool Hall.”

2. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished eighth at New Hampshire, posting his 11th top 10 of the season.

“I didn’t have the best car,” Chastain said, “and I’m certainly not the best driver. But I’m extremely proud of my finish. I earned it. You could say I deserve everything I get, and I’m sure Denny Hamlin would agree.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at New Hampshire and won Stages 1 and 2, but couldn’t close the deal, settling for a fourth-place finish.

“My car was primarily sponsored by Interstate Batteries,” Truex said. “Most people are used to seeing that logo on Kyle Busch’s car. I would name a sponsor that Kyle has lined up for next year, but I’m drawing a blank on that.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at New Hampshire.

“My in-car camera was sponsored by Hunt Brothers Pizza,” Harvick said. “Thanks to Hunt Brothers Pizza for allowing the viewer to see what’s in front of me. And also thanks to Hunt Brothers Pizza, you don’t want to see what’s behind you after eating it.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth at New Hampshire, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“Congratulations to my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Christopher Bell,” Hamlin said. “Now, he’s got something Martin Truex Jr. doesn’t have – a win; something Kyle Busch doesn’t have – a contract; and something I don’t have – 15 years to win a Cup title.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 24th in New Hampshire.

“If you saw the word ‘Slam’ on Daniel Suarez’s car,” Logano said, “your eyes did not deceive you. And if you knew that ‘Slam’ promoted Pitbull’s Slam! Charter Schools, then you must be pretty smart, and obviously not a product of a school system with ‘Slam’ in its title.”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch survived two spins and worked his way to a 12th in the Ambetter 301 at New Hampshire.

“Joe Gibbs said he’s ‘surprised’ the team hasn’t signed me to a contract extension,” Busch said. “One would think for a driver who’s found the finish line so many times, finding the dotted line wouldn’t be so hard.”

8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 18th in the Ambetter 301.

“How about that battle between Brad Keselowski and Austin Dillon?” Blaney said. “Those guys were really trying to wreck each other. Currently, that’s what disagreements in the Cup series amount to – trading paint. If it were the Xfinity series, the two drivers would be trading punches.”

9. Christopher Bell: Bell passed Chase Elliott with 42 laps to go and pulled away to win at New Hampshire, taking his first win of the season and clinching a playoff spot.

“This was an incredibly special win,” Bell said. “Not only did I clinch a playoff berth, but I also won a live lobster as a trophy. I heard that Tim Richmond once won a race and got crabs.”

10. William Byron: Byron finished 11th at New Hampshire and is eighth in the points standings, 70 out of first.

“I don’t drive a Toyota,” Byron said, “but I can appreciate Toyota’s commercial starring the Busch brothers, Kurt and Kyle. And it makes sense that Kurt would be the one abducted by aliens because apparently, no one wants Kyle.”

July 18, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and swept all the stages, taking the win with a pass for the lead on Corey LaJoie with two laps to go. It was Elliott’s third win of the season, and he leads the points standings.

“They sounded the siren at Dawsonville Pool Room, ” Elliott said. “That means that I won a race. It also means the good people of Dawsonville are smiling, although it’s sometimes hard to tell when they are.”

2. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished second in the Quaker State 400 at Atlanta Motor Speedway.

“I was involved in quite a few incidents on Sunday,” Chastain said. “I mean, if you’re one of the few drivers I haven’t wrecked, you can best bet I’ll ‘turn’ you against me very soon.”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran in the top 10 for the majority of the day and eventually crossed the line fifth in the Quaker State 400, earning his seventh top-five of the year.

“I was lucky to avoid all the spins and incidents that characterized Sunday’s race,” Blaney said. “Honestly, with cars spinning and smoking, sometimes it feels like I’m driving blind out there. I’m sure Ross Chastain knows the feeling.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex survived an early spin and battled back from a lap down to contend for the win at Atlanta. He finished ninth.

“Not surprisingly,” Truex said, “my spin was caused by Ross Chastain. It’s very fitting that Chastain has ‘Jockey’ on his car because when you race near him, you’ll need a change of underwear.”

5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 11th at Atlanta as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott took the win.

“I think all drivers love racing at Atlanta Motor Speedway,” Larson said. “You can go wide open and don’t have to worry about braking. And personally, I’d like to keep my foot on the floor. That way, it stays out of my mouth.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano was involved in two incidents at Atlanta, the last of which sent him limping to the pits. He eventually finished 26th.

“I was involved in an early wreck and my car briefly got some air under it,” Logano said. “That’s a scary feeling. I certainly don’t want the car to roll. The only thing I’m interested in ‘flipping’ is the bird, to Matt Kenseth.”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled to a 20th-place finish at Atlanta.

“I still don’t have a contract for 2023,” Busch said. “I haven’t felt this unwanted since I was first born.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th in the Quaker State 400, his eighth top-10 of the year.

“Hunt Brothers Pizza was the primary sponsor of my No. 4 Ford,” Harvick said. “I run well when that’s the case. It’s like they say: ‘Good things happen when Hunt Brothers Pizza is on you. It’s an entirely different story when Hunt Brothers Pizza is in you.”

9. Daniel Suarez: Suarez finished sixth in the Quaker State 400.

“Corey LaJoie actually led 19 laps in the race,” Suarez said. “For a low-budget team like LaJoie’s, that’s mega-cool. Heck, it’s even MAGA-cool. Corey was going all out for the win but came up just short. Or did he? Honestly, I’ve got a feeling that he might challenge the outcome of that race.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola led the charge for Stewart Haas Racing, posting an eighth at Atlanta.

“I’ll take an eighth-place finish,” Almirola said, “but I think it could have been much better. If I had to give my performance a grade, it would be a B minus. If I had to give my parents a grade on spelling ‘Eric’ correctly, it would be a D minus.”

July 11, 2022