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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Talladega.

    “Ross Chastain is rolling right now,” Elliott said. “Is he a championship contender? I think his performance has other contenders worried. You could say that by ‘planting’ a watermelon on the pavement, he’s ‘planting’ a seed in our minds.

    “Now, it seems like it’s just a matter of time before Chastain is crowned champion, or, most likely, becomes the spokesperson for an alcoholic beverage with a flavor called ‘Spiked Watermelon.’”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 23 laps and finished 11th at Talladega.

    “I’m disappointed,” Blaney said. “Sure, it was a solid finish, but I feel like I wasted a good car. And speaking of ‘solid waste,’ the sewage situation in the Talladega infield is a port-a-potty supplier’s nightmare. Luckily, the service of that supplier does not stink to high heaven.”

    3. Ross Chastain: Chastain came out on top in a chaotic final lap at Talladega to win the Geico 500. It was his second win of the year.

    “I’m making a name for TrackHouse Racing,” Chastain said. “That’s ‘Trackhouse Racing,’ not to be confused with ‘CrackHouse Racing,’ which Jeremy Mayfield made famous back in 2009.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third at Talladega, posting his third top-five of the season.

    “With four consecutive top 10’s,” Busch said, “I feel like I’m peaking. Many people would say I’m ‘peaked,’ because I’m so darn pale.

    “I made some comments Saturday about my future with Joe Gibbs Racing. I’m losing M&M’s as a sponsor, and if JGR doesn’t find me a new sponsor, I might bolt. Really, it’s just a strategy for me to get what I want. I call this my contract extension ‘Whine And Sign’ method.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano crashed out at Talladega on lap 90 when a bump in the draft from Bubba Wallace turned Logano’s No. 22 into the wall. Logano finished 32nd.

    “I can’t blame anyone for wrecking me,” Logano said. “In other words, Bubba wasn’t ‘out of line’ for wrecking me, even though he was ‘out of line.’ But at Talladega, that’s just the way the cookie, and my hopes for a win, crumbles.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Talladega as Hendrick Motorsports placed three cars in the top 10.

    “I’ll take that ninth,” Bowman said, “and happily head to Dover, where I’m the defending champion. I repeat, defending champion.”

    7. William Byron: Byron won Stage 2 at Talladega and led a race-high 38 laps, but a slow final pit stop cost him track position, and he was unable to return to the front. He finished 15th and is 3rd in the points standings.

    “If you were watching at home,” Byron said, “you saw quite an entertaining race. And, you probably saw commercials for something called ‘Fire Cornhole.’ I don’t know what ‘Fire Cornhole’ is, but it sounds very painful.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson led 32 laps at Talladega and was in position to win on the final lap. Race-leader Erik Jones moved to block Larson’s run for the lead, which opened the door for Ross Chastain to take the win. Larson finished 4th.

    “There’s probably some things I would have done differently on that final lap,” Larson said, “but ultimately, I have to trust the decisions I made at the time and be happy with them. I like to live by the motto ‘No regrets.’ Well, make that the motto ‘No regrets, with one exception.’”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fifth in the Geico 500, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch, who finished third, in the top 10.

    “I thought we did pretty well,” Truex said, “considering there were only six Toyotas in the entire field. As they say, ‘it’s hard to find a dance partner when you’re the red-headed stepchild, especially when three of those potential dance partners are my teammates, none of which I particularly care for.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 13th at Talladega.

    “My No. 10 Ford was highlighted by the Smithfield/IHOP paint scheme,” Almirola said. “So, the sausage and pancakes arrived at their destination, but we weren’t quite able to bring home the bacon.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney charged from 25th on the starting grid to post a fifth at Bristol, his fourth top-five finish of the year.

    “Ty Dillon’s car was sponsored by ‘Gain,’” Blaney said. “Erik Jones had ‘Tide’ on his car, and Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s car sported the ‘Irish Spring’ logo. I’m not sure what race teams charge for sponsorship at a dirt race, but you can bet those got ‘taken to the cleaners.’”

    2. Joey Logano: Despite not leading a single lap, Logano was a fixture up front all night at Bristol and finished third.

    “Drivers one and all love racing on the dirt at Bristol,” Logano said. “I think NASCAR should consider some other surfaces to race on, like linoleum, vinyl, tile, or carpet. Just call the event the ‘Floor It 500.’”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started ninth and finished ninth at Bristol, and remains atop the points standings, three points up on Ryan Blaney.

    “I had an incident with Cody Ware in Stage 3,” Elliott said. “He retaliated and gave me a pretty hard bump. Somebody needs to tell that kid who I am because I am a ‘somebody.’ Somebody also needs to tell him who he is, because he’s a ‘nobody.’”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch ran up front all night at Bristol and stole the win when Chase Briscoe and Tyler Reddick wrecked battling for the win.

    “I don’t have a background in dirt racing,” Busch said. “I grew up on the clean streets of Las Vegas, which are hard, smooth, and paid for with the life savings and crushed hopes of many a failed and addicted gambler.

    “You could say I ‘backed’ into the win at Bristol. You could also say Chase Briscoe ‘backed’ into Tyler Reddick, thus backing me into the win. Either way, I’m back in Victory Lane.”

    5. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe suffered an early flat tire at Bristol but recovered to put himself in position to win on the final lap. But his kamikaze move on race-leader Tyler Reddick backfired, as Briscoe spun himself and Reddick, which allowed Kyle Busch to steal the win.

    “I made it a point to apologize to Tyler,” Briscoe said. “I offered him a handshake, and he graciously accepted. If you ask some of the old school drivers, they’ll tell you that’s the closest us youngsters will come to ‘throwing hands.’”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished sixth at Bristol.

    “It’s really special racing on Easter,” Bowman said. “Probably more so for Kyle Busch. I’m sure Kyle and his team were resigned to finishing third. But then, all of a sudden, he was in first. And all his stunned followers could say was, ‘Look! He is risen!’

    “And let me apologize for even remotely comparing Jesus to Kyle Busch. As Brad Keselowski might say, ‘You just put the ‘a$$’ in ‘blasphemy.’”

    7. Tyler Reddick: While seemingly headed for his first win, Reddick was wrecked by Chase Briscoe, who spun Reddick while attempting a daring, potential race-winning pass in the final corner. Reddick recovered to finish second, while Briscoe dropped to 22nd as Kyle Busch won.

    “My No. 8 Chevy was great,” Reddick said. “I’d like to thank everyone associated with Richard Childress Racing and 3CHI. RCR brings the speed, and 3CHI brings the weed.

    “I could have tried to be a tough guy and take a swing at Briscoe for wrecking me. But I tried to be the ‘bigger man,’ which is hard because it ain’t easy being the ‘bigger man’ when you’re 5′ 5″ and Briscoe is 6′ 1″ and looks like he’s hiding Tony Stewart under his driver’s suit.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 and came home fourth in the Bristol Dirt Race.

    “I’m totally at home racing on dirt,” Larson said. “In fact, I love it, even though the end result is often a mouthful of dirt. And, it gives me an opportunity to literally ‘wash my mouth out with soap,’ something I’ve done before figuratively.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex experienced engine issues at Bristol and struggled to a disappointing 21st.

    “Luck just wasn’t on our side,” Truex said. “It was, however, on the side of my JGR teammate Kyle Busch. Seeing the discrepancy in luck between a good guy like me and a punk like Kyle brings tears of pain to me, and tears of joy to him. That’s why Kyle is considered by many to be a ‘lucky SOB.’

    “That being said, I’d rather be unlucky than be Kyle Busch.”

    10. William Byron: Byron finished 18th in the dirt at Bristol while his three Hendrick Motorsports teammates all placed in the top 10.

    “Racing on dirt is the closest we come to ‘drifting,’” Byron said. “It may not be ‘The Fast And The Furious,’ but I’ll put my driving up against any street racer any day, and I’ll put my acting up against Vin Diesel’s every day.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron held off Joey Logano in overtime at Martinsville to win the Blu-Emu Maximum Pain Relief 400, Byron’s second straight win.

    “I also won the Truck race on Thursday,” Byron said “which means I left Martinsville with two grandfather clocks. It’s the greatest example of ‘two-timing’ in NASCAR since Jeff Gordon’s marriage.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth at Martinsville, posting his third top-five of the year.

    “I’m still looking for my first win,” Blaney said. “I’m sure it will come in due time. Obviously, it’s all about confidence, and I’m extremely confident, even though I’m winless. Who’s better than Ryan Blaney? ‘No won.’”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and led the first 185 laps, winning the first two stages before fading late to finish 10th.

    “It was like Christmas in April at Martinsville,” Elliott said. “Why do I say that? Because there was wintry weather and a boring ‘parade.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano was running second at the overtime restart at Martinsville, but couldn’t get around William Byron, who controlled the final two laps for the win. Logano’s runner-up finish left him fourth in the points standings, 27 behind Chase Elliott.

    “I got close enough to bump Byron once,” Logano said. “If I had it to do over, I would have bumped him harder. I’m pretty disappointed that I didn’t knock Byron out of the way. Just think, all this time, Matt Kenseth thought I had learned my lesson.”

    5. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home fifth at Martinsville, and is fifth in the points standings, 42 out of first.

    “The start of the race was delayed for an hour due to rain and sleet,” Chastain said. “What else is cold and wet and lasts an hour at Martinsville? A 12-pack.”

    6. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe came home ninth at Martinsville.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. raced in Friday’s Xfinity race,” Briscoe said, “and shared a few beers with some fellow drivers after the race. That story is wholesomely known as Dale Earnhardt’s alcohol ‘content,’ and has nothing to do with how much he drank.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 12th at Martinsville.

    “I can’t wait for the Bristol Dirt Race on Sunday,” Bowman said. “And, it also takes place on Easter Sunday. It’s a race fan’s dream: Bristol, on dirt, on Easter. It’s practically the Holy Trinity.’”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled at Martinsville, finishing 22nd.

    “It wasn’t the greatest day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Truex said. “But it wasn’t a lost weekend for Joe Gibbs. On Friday, he got to witness his grandson Ty, who was wearing his helmet, punch Sam Mayer, who wasn’t wearing his helmet.

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth at Martinsville, posting his first top 10 since Las Vegas on March 6.

    “Darrell Waltrip will serve as the guest analyst for Fox at the upcoming Bristol Dirt Race,” Almirola said. “So, the tiny broadcast booth he’ll share with Mike Joy and Clint Bowyer at the Coliseum will temporarily be known as the ‘Tide Pod.’”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Martinville, as the remaining three Joe Gibbs Racing drivers struggled, all finishing 20th or worse.

    “How about that post-Xfinity race brawl between Ty Gibbs and Sam Mayer?” Busch said. “I’ve been on both sides of that situation. I can relate to Ty’s feelings because I’ve been mad enough to take a swing at a fellow driver. I can relate to Sam’s predicament because I also have a punchable face.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole at Richmond and finished seventh.

    “That’s two straight poles for me,” Blaney said, “and my third this season. I’m collecting Busch Light Pole Awards faster than I can get rid of them in yard sales.”

    2. Chase Elliott: Elliott started strong at Richmond but experienced handling issues in the final stage that kept him out of the top 10. He finished 14th and is tied with Ryan Blaney atop the points standings.

    “The No. 9 Chevy was just good,” Elliott said, “but not great. What my car needed was a shot of adrenaline, much like ‘A Shoc’ performance energy drink would provide for a person, or Brad Keselowski’s mechanic would provide for his engine.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 80 laps and won Stage 2 at Richmond on his way to a fourth-place finish, posting his first top-five of the season.

    “Just when you think you’ve heard it all in NASCAR,” Truex said, “the term ‘pit stop choreography’ became a thing at Richmond. Let’s be honest, footwork is an important part of all aspects of racing. For example, I’d like to take my right foot and work it towards the behind of my crew chief James Small, who screwed up our pit strategy at Richmond.”

    4. William Byron: Byron led 122 laps at Richmond but couldn’t hold off the fresh tires of Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota down the stretch. Byron held on for third and is fourth in the points standings.

    “If you’re on old tires at Richmond,” Byron said, “you’re a ‘sitting duck.’ If you can’t handle your alcohol and pass out in the bleachers without sunblock, you’re also a sitting duck. And you’ll likely leave with a sunburn and one less eyebrow.

    “I had the Liberty University paint scheme on my No. 24 Chevy. When that’s on your car and you’re leading, everybody’s watching, including Jerry Falwell, Jr.”

    5. Ross Chastain: Chastain, last week’s winner at COTA, recorded a 19th at Richmond, one lap down to the leaders.

    “It just wasn’t my day,” Chastain said. “I’m frustrated. But my day wasn’t altogether ‘fruitless,’ because, just as was the case a week ago at COTA, I smashed a watermelon. But this time, it was out of frustration.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home eighth in the Toyota Owners 400 for his fourth top 10 of the year.

    “Congratulations to Denny Hamlin for winning the race,” Bowman said. “He had a slow start to the season, but Denny kept working hard knowing wins would come his way. You could say he ‘got what was coming to him,’ which is something Denny is dying to say about me.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th at Richmond, one lap down.

    “We’re off to Martinsville for a Saturday night race and the renowned half-mile track,” Logano said. “I always look forward to racing there, especially when I’m not looking behind me for Matt Kenseth.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin passed William Byron with five laps remaining and held off Kevin Harvick to win the Toyota Owners 400 Richmond. It was Hamlin’s first win of the year as well as his first top 10 of the year.

    “You could say I got the ‘monkey’ off my back,” Hamlin said. “Unfortunately, that monkey was on the back of another larger monkey, which is still on my back. And has paid rent through mid-November.”

    9. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished 11th at Richmond.

    “As expected,” Briscoe said, “tire management was a big factor in the race. It’s one thing to ‘nurse’ your tires; it’s another thing to ‘doctor’ your tires, which is something you’d expect Brad Keselowski’s team to do.”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick surged late and chased eventual race winner Denny Hamlin to the line at Richmond. Harvick settled for the runner-up spot, his best finish of the year.

    “I was hoping to get close enough to Hamlin to ‘take a swipe’ at him,” Harvick said. “Does that mean I was going to wreck him? Maybe, but really what I hoped to gain by saying ‘take a swipe’ was a sweet sponsorship deal with a credit card company.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: COTA

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott was a factor at COTA for most of the day and finished 4th.

    “I’d like to apologize to Kyle Busch for spinning him early in the race,” Elliott said. “Hopefully, I’ll set a good example for Kyle. Probably won’t work though. What’s even less likely than Kyle apologizing for something? Him accepting an apology.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain came out on top in a thrilling final two laps at COTA, bumping A.J. Allmendinger into Alex Bowman to take the lead and secure the win.

    “That was my first win in the NASCAR Cup series,” Chastain said. “There was also another first: it was the first time an indoor skydiving sponsor appeared on any NASCAR ride. It’s called ‘iFly,’ and is for those who think real skydiving is ‘iffy.’

    “But if anyone has a problem with the way I won, they can enjoy, on my dime, an outdoor skydiving adventure, without a parachute.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole and finished 6th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix at COTA, posting his 3rd top 10 of the season.

    “Congratulations to Ross Chastain,” Blaney said. “I was impressed by his driving, and even more impressed by his victory celebration, which was spiking a watermelon from atop his car. Apparently, that watermelon is the only thing he treats worse than the cars in front of him.”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman briefly led on a wild final lap at COTA before he was bumped out of the front when Ross Chastain slapped A.J. Allmendinger into Bowman. Bowman recovered to finish second.

    “Chastain really did a number on A.J. and myself,” Bowman said. “As Denny Hamlin might say, he ‘absolutely hacked’ us.

    “And speaking of Denny Hamlin, he’s 24th in the points standings. So basically, he needs a win to get into the playoffs. And I have no doubt he’ll get it, as long as it’s not the last race of the season.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano struggled in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix at COTA, suffering three spins and limping home with a 31st-place finish.

    “My former teammate Brad Keselowski’s team received a huge penalty for a rules violation,” Logano said. “They ‘modified a single-source supply part.’ Those five words sound a little technical, so here is another five words that says the same thing: ‘You cheated and got caught.’”

    6. William Byron: Byron came home 12th at COTA as Hendrick Motorsports placed three drivers in the top 12.

    “There were quite a few ‘road course ringers’ in the race,” Byron said. “One of them was a driver named ‘Joey Hand’ in the race. That’s ‘Joey Hand,’ not to be confused with the late Mafia capo ‘Joey Hands,’ a name which is as Mafia as it gets, much like ‘Dick Trickle’ is a name which is as NASCAR as it gets.”

    7. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe was challenging for the win late at COTA, but was shuffled back on a restart and then fell further back when he pitted for fresh tires. He finished 30th.

    “Sure I’m disappointed,” Briscoe said. “But at least my hero and car owner Tony Stewart was in the Fox broadcasting booth. I know Tony has to get fidgety standing in a booth for four hours. For one thing, he’s not sitting in a car, but what’s even worse for Tony is he has to go that long without cursing.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took new tires late and surged through the field to place a solid 7th-place finish.

    “Fresh tires mean everything in the sport of NASCAR,” Truex said. “And, with each winner this year being under 30, fresh faces mean everything in this sport.

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 19th at COTA, and after three straight top 10’s to begin the season, has failed to crack the top 10 in his last three races.

    “Wrestling great ‘The Undertaker’ rode along in the pace car,” Almirola said. “That had to be frightening for the pace car driver. You don’t want to be stuck in a car with a ‘dead man,’ and certainly not if he ‘R.I.P.’s‘ a fart.”

    10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick started 4th and finished 5th at COTA, and is 10the in the points standings.

    “It’s a good finish,” Reddick said, “but I feel like I had a car good enough to win. Of course, having 3CHI as my primary sponsor means I feel like I should always finish higher.

    “And speaking of ‘3CHI,’ I think they’re expanding to the edible food market, with a delicious product called ‘3CHI’s Pizza.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Folds Of Honor Qwik Trip 500 at Atlanta.

    “Atlanta gives fans superspeedway racing on a small scale,” Logano said. “Warm and sunny weather indicates that shirtless fans’ bellies still come in the large scale.”

    2. William Byron: Byron led a race-high 111 laps and sailed to the win at Atlanta, giving Hendrick Motorsports its third win this year.

    “Contrary to what the actions of two of our drivers may indicate,” Byron said, “Hendrick Motorsports is a tightly-knit, cohesive, and always-friendly group. The only ‘ill will’ in this organization is me when I don’t get enough sleep. Or, at least that’s what Rick Hendrick would like me to say in public.”

    3. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe started on the pole and finished 15th at Atlanta.

    “I’m just glad I made it to the finish line,” Briscoe said. “As you saw, there were a lot of wrecks and spins. But for once this season, Brad Keselowski wasn’t involved in any of them. It just goes to show, there’s chaos, and then there’s ‘K-os.’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished sixth at Atlanta.

    “I think the racing at Atlanta was incredible,” Elliott said, “for fans in attendance, as well as those watching on television. There were 46 lead changes. Usually, if you’re watching at home, there are at least 46 channel changes.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 and was contending for the win late before contact with Bubba Wallace sent Blaney into the outside wall. Blaney finished 17th.

    “Bubba may drive the McDonald’s car,” Blaney said, “but I’m definitely not loving it. But that’s the nature of fast tracks like Atlanta’s: you just never know when you’re gonna get taken out by the ‘Big One,’ or, in this case, the ‘Big Mac.’”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led five laps and finished eighth in the Folds Of Honor Qwik Trip 500.

    “Atlanta Motor Speedway was recently resurfaced,” Truex said. “Many of us are wondering when Denny Hamlin will ‘resurface’ this season.”

    7. Aric Almirola: Almirola was running in the top five late before being bumped into a spin. He recovered to finish 22nd.

    “We would have loved to have a top-10 finish,” Almirola said. “That’s what our sponsors want to see as well. Especially Smithfield. Those guys party when we do well. If we’re lucky enough to win, it’s a downright sausage fest.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch survived a major accident on Lap 145 and recovered to finish third at Atlanta, his second top-five of the season.

    “And speaking of ‘major accidents,’” Busch said, “my younger brother Kyle was one, if you listen to my parents, which Kyle does not. They shouldn’t feel bad, though, because Kyle doesn’t listen to anyone.”

    9. Kyle Larson: While getting a push from Denny Hamlin on lap 212, Larson spun and hit the wall, ending his day. He finished 30th.

    “I’m not going to blame Denny for the incident,” Larson said. “But I will say this: some of us wear crowns, while others wear dunce caps.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 35th after wrecking with Austin Dillon in Stage 1. Busch was able to continue but called it a day after 171 laps.

    “It’s early retirements like this,” Busch said, “that make me consider early retirement.

    “Now, did I refuse to apologize to Austin Dillon for my part in wrecking him? I did not. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry. Heck, ask anybody around here. They’ll tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I’m the ‘sorriest.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe used a quick late pit stop and nailed two restarts to win the Rouff Mortgage 500 at Phoenix, securing his spot in the NASCAR playoffs.

    “I became the 200th winner in NASCAR’s history,” Briscoe said. “And I’m proud to drive for Stewart-Haas Racing. Tony Stewart was my childhood hero. As a kid, I would eat, breathe, and sleep racing. And just like Tony, the eating part was my favorite.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Las Vegas.

    “The restarts at Phoenix were wild,” Logano said. “Turn 1 is wide enough for cars to take several different lines. In essence, NASCAR is encouraging drivers to ‘cut corners,’ much like the lame punishment of starting in the back for unapproved adjustments encourages drivers to ‘cut corners.’”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole at Phoenix and won Stage 2 on his way to a fourth-place finish in the Rouff Mortgage 500.

    “I also was fastest in Saturday’s practice,” Blaney said, “and I led the most laps in Sunday’s race. Combine that with the pole and Stage 2 win, and you could say we checked all the boxes, except one.”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson broke a valve spring with about 74 laps remaining and limped home to a 34th-place finish.

    “With a championship last year,” Larson said, “and a win already this year, we were operating under the motto ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ That obviously changed.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Phoenix.

    “I realize I was wrong to criticize Alex Bowman for his lucky win at Las Vegas,” Busch said. “I should be more complimentary, so here goes: I think every driver at Phoenix performed well. In fact, I would give all of them a passing grade for the race. In other words, my stance on other drivers is this: ‘zero F’s given.’”

    6. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 12th, his first finish outside the top 10 this year.

    “You could say I’m ‘flying under the radar,’” Almirola said. “Apparently, the ‘radar’ gauges drivers with an actual chance of winning a Cup championship.”

    7. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished third in the Rouff Mortgage 500

    “I think it’s a brilliant strategy for NASCAR to have a race sponsored by a home loan financing company,” Reddick said. “It may be the only way to draw more ‘interest’ in the sport.”

    8. Chase Elliott: After challenging for the win with about 25 laps remaining, Elliott faltered with a slow pit stop and a spin on the backstretch. He finished a disappointing 11th.

    “This just goes to show,” Elliott said, “that I don’t need anyone else to cost me a win, because me and my team are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves.

    “Alex Bowman was driving the ‘Best Friends’ No. 48 Chevrolet. That paint scheme describes the animal welfare non-profit organization, and in no way represents my relationship with Kyle Larson.

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Phoenix and tied a Cup record with his 18th straight top 10 at one track.

    “My good friends at Hunt Brothers Pizza were my main sponsor for the race at Phoenix,” Harvick said. “As you know, Hunt Brothers Pizza is arguably the nation’s best gas station pizza. And in these uncertain times, isn’t it nice to know you can get a large Hunt Brothers Pizza for less than a gallon of gas?”

    10. (tie): Martin Truex Jr.: Truex blew a tire on Lap 221 and slammed the wall hard, ending his day at Phoenix. He finished 35th.

    “I was stunned,” Truex said. “Not because of the impact, but because Brad Keselowski had nothing to do with my accident.”

    10. (tie): Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th in the Rouff Mortgage 500.

    “It would have been nice to win two in a row,” Bowman said. “Then I could tell Kyle Busch he was exactly right, because I’d ‘back’ into another win because I’d be back in Victory Lane.

    “But I must say, it’s entertaining to get under Kyle’s skin. As much as I hate to give him props, Kyle’s skin is unmatched by any other driver, because it’s the thinnest and the palest.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson took two tires during the final pit stop and assumed the lead at Las Vegas. But Hendrick teammate Alex Bowman got the best of Larson and took the win as Larson settled for the runner-up spot.

    “Hopefully, I think I’ve smoothed things over with Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “We may not see eye to eye, mostly because Chase insists things should be an eye for an eye.

    “But one thing we can agree on is the use of the abbreviation ‘MF.’ Of course, our meanings of the abbreviation differ greatly. All I can tell you is to me, it means ‘my fault.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: After a spin into the wall in Saturday practice, Busch was forced to resort to a backup car on Sunday. He steadily made his way to the front and led with three laps to go before a late caution ultimately cost him the win.

    “Nothing is more upsetting than ruining your primary car in practice,” Busch said. “Trust me, I was in a panic after that. My car may have had ‘Ethel M Chocolates’ on it, but my driver’s suit had ‘Fudge Stripe’ in it.

    “But Erik Jones really screwed us when he lost control and caused that final caution. Erik used to be a Joe Gibbs Racing driver. Apparently, whether driving for JGR or not, Erik is still a liability.”

    3. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex surged late and was battling with Kyle Busch for the win when a caution flew with two laps to go. Truex and Busch took four tires but lost track position, and Truex eventually finished eighth.

    “My battle with Kyle should have been for the win,” Truex said. “That’s what racing is all about. Two of NASCAR’s all-time bests going head to head. Some would call it ‘great versus great.’ Others would call it ‘good versus evil.’”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman out-dragged Kyle Larson after a late restart and held on to win the Pennzoil 400.

    “I think I speak for most, but not all, of Hendrick Motorsports drivers when I say nothing is safer than racing side by side with Kyle Larson with the outcome on the line, ” Bowman said.

    5. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished sixth in the Pennzoil 400 and is the only driver with a top 10 finish in all three races this year.

    “That’s called ‘consistency,’” Almirola said. “And as the NASCAR playoff format, and Mark Martin can tell you, consistency will get you nowhere.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th at Las Vegas and is third in the points standings.

    “The average age of this season’s three race-winners is approximately 27,” Logano said. “As a 31-year-old, that makes me feel somewhat ancient. But they all have something I want, which is a race victory, as well as a non-receding hairline and 20/20 vision.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected when Brad Keselowski got loose and spun on lap 104. Blaney finished 36th.

    “Brad just seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Blaney said. “Or I should say, given his history of accidents this year, Brad seems to be in the wrong place every time.”

    8. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished 11th at Las Vegas and is ninth in the points standings.

    “How about this ‘Next Generation’ car?” Dillon said. “And how about these ‘Next Generation’ sponsors? Like Tyler Reddick’s sponsor, 3Chi, which is a supplier of cannabinoids. Cannabinoids is just a fancy way of saying ‘marijuana,’ much like ‘dysentery’ is a fancy way of saying ‘Martinsville hot dog.’”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished ninth at Las Vegas.

    “Did Kyle Larson really not see me when he ran me into the wall at Fontana?” Elliott said. “Maybe. Did I spin on purpose after that incident in an attempt to ruin Larson’s shot at winning? I won’t dignify that with an answer, but I will say that I went to a casino with Clint Bowyer, where we played roulette, and we both did, in fact, ‘intentionally’ spin the roulette wheel.”

    10. Austin Cindric: Daytona 500 champ Cindric finished 19th ay Las Vegas.

    “Denny Hamlin broke a gear on Lap 219,” Cindric said. “And a lot of drivers sarcastically said to Denny, ‘You’ve got no gears.’ And Denny of course replied, ‘No shift, Sherlock.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson took the lead with two laps remaining and held on for his second career win at California.

    “Racing in clean air was key,” Larson said. “And that might be the only time ‘clean air’ is used in connection with California.

    “I’m sure Chase Elliott is not happy with me. I unintentionally sent him into the wall late in the race. It was an honest mistake. Using the word ‘unintentionally’ was not an honest mistake, because it was a lie.”

    2. Austin Cindric: Cindric started on the pole at California and finished 12th.

    “I think I’ve proved that I’m a force to be reckoned with,” Cindric said. “Brad Keselowski has proven that he’s a force to be wrecked with.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Wise Power 400.

    “Matt Kenseth radioed me from the Fox broadcast booth,” Logano said. “As was the case after he wrecked me at Martinsville in 2015, my words to him were, ‘I get the message loud and clear.’”

    4. Aric Almirola: Almirola survived a late spin and came home sixth at California.

    “Mine wasn’t the only spin,” Almirola said. “There were several drivers that lost it with no help from anyone. I guess spinning out on your own is one way a driver can emulate Jimmie Johnson. Unfortunately, they’re emulating Jimmie Johnson the Indy Car driver, and not Jimmie Johnson the seven-time Cup champion.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney faded late and finished 18th in the Wise Power 400.

    “The race winner at California gets a surfboard trophy,” Blaney said. “It used to be that the fans at California were the only ones that got ‘bored.’

    “But things have changed, it appears. Sunday’s race saw a lot of close racing, blown tires, cautions, etc. All it lacked were punches thrown. Maybe that will come in the Hendrick team meeting when Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott discuss their on-track incident. I can’t think of a better place to be a fly on the wall. I can think of worse places to be a fly on the wall, and that’s any public restroom used by NASCAR fans.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started 12th and finished 13th at California, scoring the best result for Joe Gibbs Racing.

    “I think we put on a great show for the fans in Fontana,” Truex said. “And they showed their appreciation. If the fans in Sonoma are the ‘wine and cheese’ crowd, then the fans in Fontana are the ‘fortified win and macaroni and cheese’ crowd.”

    7. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished second at California after battling late in the race with Kyle Larson and Danie Suarez.

    “I had a really good view of the Larson-Chase Elliott dustup,” Dillon said. “I can see why Chase was irate. His radio communication was quite colorful, to say the least. Depending on who you ask, Chase either blew a fuse or dropped a bunch of ‘FU’s,’ or both.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch fell five laps down early due to an overheating issue, but methodically worked his way back to the lead lap and salvaged a 14th-place finish.

    “Credit goes to my crew for their efforts,” Busch said, “as well as all the drivers responsible for the wreck and spins that resulted in 12 cautions. And that, my friend, is the extent to which I’m able to give a fellow driver credit for anything.

    “It looks like Kyle Larson is back to his winning ways. When all is said and done this year, Kyle might be called a ‘repeat champion.’ That’s assuming he can distinguish what to repeat and what not to repeat.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took seventh at California.

    “The No. 4 Subway Ford was strong,” Harvick said. “And speaking of Subway, they’ve been a partner of mine for less than a year. That doesn’t even compare to Busch Light, with whom I’ve had a partnership with for over five years. Eventually, I hope my partnership with Busch beer lasts longer than that of most alcoholics.”

    10. (tie): Daniel Suarez: Suarez took the lead with about three laps to go at California, but couldn’t hold off Kyle Larson, who zipped past Suarez after a big run and held on for the win. Suarez finished fourth.

    “The name ‘Kid Rock’ was emblazoned on the hood of my car in connection with my sponsor deal with Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge,” Suarez said. “That tells you two things: Kid Rock doesn’t know where I’m from, and I don’t know anything about Kid Rock.”

    10. (tie): Chase Elliott: Elliott was battling for the lead with Kyle Larson and Daniel Suarez late when Larson inadvertently ran Elliott into the wall and out of contention. Elliott limped home with a 26th-place finish.

    “Kyle Larson needs to watch where he’s going,” Elliott said, “which is, in fact, to the playoffs.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson used a quick late pit stop to take the lead at Phoenix, and held on to win and claim his first Cup championship.

    “I owe it all to my pit crew,” Larson said. “On that last stop, I came in fourth and left in first. I call that ‘service with a smile,’ with the smile being mine.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Phoenix, again coming up short in his quest to win his first championship.

    “It just wasn’t to be,” Hamlin said. “Maybe I’m just cursed. That’s a real possibility because if you took a poll of NASCAR fans, about 85% of them would say they have ‘cursed’ me, often more than once.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Phoenix.

    “I was going for my second Cup championship in a row,” Elliott said. “So, I was going for the repeat. Kyle Larson has spent the last two years trying not to ‘repeat.’”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Phoenix.

    “NASCAR told me I have to take sensitivity training,” Busch said. “That came after I used the ‘R’ word after Martinsville. Fortunately, they told me I only have to take it, and not necessarily pass it.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came up just short at Phoenix, finishing second to race winner and Cup champion, Kyle Larson.

    “It stings to come this close,” Truex said. “I finished less than a second behind Larson, yet I feel like I was five laps behind him. I guess what I’m saying is it sucks to feel like Quin Houff.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 11th at Phoenix.

    “Three of the championship drivers’ crew chiefs were ejected for multiple inspection failures,” Logano said. “NASCAR is a competitive sport, so you really have to cheat to win. And you have to deal with the consequences, which is being called a cheater. That doesn’t bother most drivers. We have very thick skin, especially on our wrists, which get slapped all the time.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth in the Xfinity 500 at Phoenix.

    “Next year,” Blaney said, “I’m dedicating myself to winning the championship. Up until that point, I’m going to try really hard to convince myself to believe that.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Phoenix.

    “This was my final race for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “It would have been nice to go out with a win. But I didn’t. So, I didn’t go out with a bang. Instead, I went out with a ‘Dang!’”

    9. William Byron: Byron finished 17th at Phoenix.

    “If Kyle Busch has to take sensitivity training,” Byron said, “should everyone else be required to take training on how not to be like Kyle Busch?”

    10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 18th in the Xfinity 500 at Phoenix.

    “I was born in Tucson, Arizona,” Bowman said. “So, this is my home race. And that made Denny Hamlin an enemy of the state.”