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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was penalized twice for speeding on pit lane, and later suffered damage in a late crash. He finished 32nd, three laps down.

“I got caught speeding while serving the penalty for my first speeding infraction,” Hamlin said. “NASCAR officials told me, ‘Better luck next time.’

“Bubba Wallace will be the center of a Netflix series that chronicles his season with newly-formed 23XI Racing. If you’d like to know more, do a Google search for ‘NASCAR streaming’ and kindly ignore the results that explain how drivers relieve themselves in their cars.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived at Talladega and used a last-lap pass to win the Geico 500, his sixth Talladega triumph.

“Roger Penske met with his Penske Racing drivers earlier this week,” Keselowski said, “and he told us that a replay of our last lap crash at Daytona in February would be unacceptable. His words really stuck with me. You could say the words of the man who built the Penske trucking empire really ‘moved’ me.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered damage when a Brad Keselowski block sent Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin into the wall and into the path of Truex. Truex eventually finished 31st, two laps down.

“It was good to see fans in the Talladega infield,” Truex said, “and it’s also good to see them partying hard and consuming alcohol at a rate that would make a liver blush. You could say they’re ‘BAC.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano crashed out at Talladega with a lap to go in Stage 1. Logano finished 39th.

“My No. 22 Ford went airborne after I made contact with Denny Hamlin,” Logano said. “As Denny’s primary sponsor is FedEx, that’s called getting ‘air mailed.’

“Congratulations to my teammate Brad Keselowski for his win, and congratulations to Jeb Burton for winning the Xfinity race on Saturday. That was his first Xfinity win. Jeb is the son of Jeff Burton, and the nephew of ‘Wadd Button.’”

5. William Byron: Byron survived a late Stage 2 accident that collected three Hendrick Motorsports cars and rebounded to take the runner-up finish at Talladega.

“Talladega is always a battle of attrition,” Byron said. “It’s all about survival and making educated decisions that are beneficial despite all the chaos going on around you. And on that note, it’s a good time to reiterate that NASCAR will not mandate that drivers get the COVID vaccination. It makes sense, because there’s no way NASCAR will inspect their drivers as strictly as they do their cars.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 12 laps and finished fourth in the Geico 500.

“My No. 4 Ford advertised a product called ‘Dog Brew By Busch,’” Harvick said. “Just to be clear, this product does not contain alcohol. That means dogs won’t get drunk when they drink it, and humans will be very drunk when they inevitably drink it.”

7. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 17th at Talladega.

“Hip-hop duo Tag Team served as the race’s grand marshals,” Bell said. “They’re famous for the song ‘Whoomp! (There It Is).’ I think it was awesome that NASCAR tabbed Tag Team to give the ‘Start Your Engines’ command. It was a bold selection. Could it have been bolder? Only if NASCAR had chosen Tag Team to deliver the convocation.”

8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was a factor on the final lap at Talladega and finished ninth as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took the win.

“If you’re leading the next-to-last lap at Talladega,” Blaney said, “you’re what we call a ‘sitting duck.’ To quote Matt DiBenedetto, who led that penultimate lap, ‘Quack.’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 24th at Talladega.

“I’m very disappointed,” Chase Elliott said. “For finishing 24th, for sure, but mostly for finishing 18 spots behind a driver named Kaz Grala, who may or may not be an Israeli self-defense discipline.”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson blew an engine only seven laps in at Talladega and finished last.

“My car overheated almost immediately,” Larson said, “so I completed only three laps. That’s totally unacceptable. And I was pissed. As I was pulling my No. 5 Chevrolet into the garage, I thought, ‘The car and I both are ‘coming in hot.’”

April 26, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 PowerRankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin swept Stages 1 and 2 at Richmond, but couldn’t hold off Alex Bowman late and settled for second place.

“I’m still winless this season,” Hamlin said. “My critics say I can’t win the big one; now, I can’t even win a little one.”

2. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex contended for the win for most of the day until a pit road speeding penalty dropped him back. He still managed to rebound for a fifth-place finish, his fourth of the year.

“Now I have two lead feet,” Truex said, “because with my original lead foot, I shot myself in the other foot. And that’s going to make it very difficult to ‘pussy-foot’ the gas pedal the next time I roll down pit lane.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano led 49 laps and came home 3rd in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

“Jimmie Johnson made his Indy Car debut on Sunday in the Grand Prix of Alabama,” Logano said. “I don’t know about you, but it seems like ‘Grand Prix’ and ‘Alabama’ should never be used in the same sentence. That would be akin to a race called the ‘Blue-Emu Maximum Pain Relief Formula 1 Monaco Grand Prix.’ Besides, in Alabama, ‘prix’ has an entirely different pronunciation.”

4. William Byron: Byron finished 7th at Richmond.

“My No. 24 Chevy sported the ‘Liberty University’ paint scheme,” Byron said. “Jerry Falwell, Jr. called my car the ‘one to watch,’ especially if his wife was in the passenger seat.”

5. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 4th in the Toyota Owners 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 8.

“I’m thrilled to be in the Joe Gibbs Racing No. 20 Toyota,” Bell said. “That No. 20 is iconic in NASCAR. Tony Stewart drove that car into the stratosphere of relevancy; Erik Jones drove it into the ground.”

6. Alex Bowman: Bowman got by Denny Hamlin with 10 laps and cruised to his first win of the year, capturing the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

“Four Joe Gibbs Racing cars finished in the Top 8,” Bowman said, “but I whipped them all. I now know what it’s like to be Joe Gibbs, because I’m a ‘Toyota owner‘ too.”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson struggled at Richmond with an 18th-place finish, two laps down.

“We dealt with handling issues all day,” Larson said, “and never quite figured things out. It was a bad day, but I can think of worse days I’ve had. Particularly, one comes to mind.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick blew a tire with 20 laps to go and limped home with a 24th at Richmond.

“Losing a tire that late in a race is a lot like Hunt Brothers Pizza,” Harvick said. “It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. The fortunes of being a championship-caliber driver with supreme confidence are also a lot like Hunt Brothers Pizza, because you know it will soon come out the other side.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 12th at Richmond and is 7th in the points standings.

“Bubba Wallace got his COVID-19 vaccination,” Elliott said. “He’s encouraging others to do the same. I think NASCAR should also. Have you seen NASCAR’s rating? Any ‘shot in the arm’ would be beneficial.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 11th at Richmond, posting a career-best result at the .75-mile track.

“We didn’t have any air hose issues like we did last week at Martinsville,” Blaney said. “Let me tell you, I was so relieved, I let out a ‘PSI of relief.’”

April 21, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 276 of 500 laps and finished third in the Blue-Emu Maximum Pain Relief 500 at Martinsville.

“Me and my Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Martin Truex Jr. and Christopher Bell led 305 of the 500 laps,” Hamlin said. “Kyle Busch was involved in cautions in the other 195 laps.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex passed Denny Hamlin with 15 laps to go and went on to win at Martinsville, becoming the season’s first repeat winner.

“The grandfather clock struck ‘2’ at Martinsville,” Truex said. “It struck ‘midnight’ for anyone who had one too many of Martinsville’s $2 hot dogs.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Martinsville.

“A limited number of fans were able to attend the race on Sunday,” Logano said. “I felt right at home though, because I only have a ‘limited number of fans.’”

4. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fifth at Martinsville.

“‘Blu-Emu Maximum Pain Relief 500’ is quite a name for a race,” Larson said. “Honestly, I think it’s too much. I say we go back to calling it the Virginia 500, because, let’s face it, some things are better left unsaid.”

5. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Martinsville.

“Joe Graf Jr. and Gray Gaulding fought after the Xfinity race,” Byron said. “Those guys were actually teammates last year. That’s hard to believe. I’d have an easier time believing they are current teammates at Rick Ware Racing.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Martinsville, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

“I tangled with Bubba Wallace early in the race,” Harvick said. “We all know that the great Michael Jordan is a co-owner of his team. That being said, I’d just like to say to Bubba, ‘If you’re feeling froggy, ‘Jump, man.’”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in the Blue-Emu Maximum Pain Relief at Martinsville.

“Sunday’s race aired on Fox Sports 1,” Elliott said. “Which means it was probably seen by more people live than on television.”

8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took the first two stages at Martinsville and finished 11th at Martinsville.

“We had a late pit penalty that really hurt our chances at the win,” Blaney said. “The air hose got hung up in the car as I was leaving the pits. That’s not good. Heck, just ask Charles Barkley. He’ll tell you that there’s nothing worse than hose stuck in your car.”

9. Christopher Bell: Bell took seventh at Martinsville, recording his fourth top 10 of the season.

“My Joe Gibbs Racing teammates had quite a battle there at the end,” Bell said. “Ultimately, Martin Truex Jr. outlasted Denny Hamlin. And streaking of ‘outlasting,’ it seems like every week, Corey LaJoie, Quin Houff, Josh Bilicki, and the like are in a battle to see who can ‘out last’ the other.”

10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s hopes at Martinsville faded after he was caught up in a big pileup on lap 387. He finished 33rd.

“It’s not often you get the ‘Big One’ in Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “There were 12 cars involved in that accident. A 12-car accident is unheard of at Martinsville, at least on the race track, but not in the parking lots in the pre-COVID era.”

April 12, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Bristol in the first NASCAR race on dirt since 1970.

“I have six top-five finishes in seven races so far this season,” Hamlin said. “So, I guess I’m already in championship form, which always seems to be the case with me, until it’s time to decide the championship.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano dominated the final stage at Bristol and pulled away to win the Food City Dirt Race.

“The No. 22 Penske Ford was great at the end,” Logano said. “We left all the contenders in the dust. As a matter of fact, as you would expect on a dirt oval track, everybody was ‘left’ in the dust.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th at Bristol.

“That’s two straight wins for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “One on asphalt and one on dirt. Me? I’d just settle for ‘one.’”

4. Kyle Larson: Larson was caught up in Christopher Bell’s early spin, and the ensuing repairs cost him two laps. Larson eventually finished 29th, five laps down.

“Bell did me dirt-y,” Larson said, “so he’s gonna have to pay for this. Isn’t he supposed to be a dirt-track expert? Consider me not impressed. I guess his reputation on dirt just became a reputation of dirt.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Bristol, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“It was a wild weekend in Bristol,” Blaney said. “It’s like Mother Nature and Joe Dirt got together, shacked up in a double-wide, and birthed BMS’s dirt track.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 15th at Bristol.

“Tony Stewart is frustrated that NASCAR gave the dirt track race to Bristol and not his Eldora Speedway,” Harvick said. “After all Tony’s done for this sport, it’s pretty awful for NASCAR to treat him like dirt over dirt. As a result, Tony’s showing his ass in addition to other body parts, like the cold shoulder, and the middle finger.”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Bristol but faded late and finished 19th.

“That was my first Trucks series win,” Truex said. “And it’s one I’m going to remember a long time from now, especially if I can’t get the taste of Tennessee red clay out of my mouth.”

8. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Bristol, scoring the best finish for Hendrick Motorsports.

“I don’t mind racing on dirt,” Byron said. “Heck, if it’s dry, it’s practically like racing on a paved surface. And the few fans there seemed to love it too. Even though there were only 30,000 of them in attendance, the place was ‘packed.’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott took 10th in Bristol’s rain-delayed dirt race.

“NASCAR announced during the race that next year’s spring race at Bristol would also be on dirt,” Elliott said. “That’s also known as NASCAR ‘soiling themselves.’”

10. Christopher Bell: Bell spun on Lap 51, collecting Kyle Larson and Ross Chastain in his wake. Bell’s day was done, and he finished 34th.

“The accident was certainly my fault,” Bell said. “And both Kyle and Ross have said as much. Kyle especially. He’s been very outspoken in his criticism of me. But I’m no pushover. All I have to say to Kyle is, ‘Watch what you say.’”

March 31, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Atlanta, posting his fifth top-five of the season.

“I accidentally sent Kurt Busch into the wall on a restart,” Hamlin said. “Hopefully, Kurt will understand that just as I had no intentions of wrecking him, I have no intentions of apologizing.”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson swept the first two stages at Atlanta, but couldn’t hold off Ryan Blaney, who passed Larson with eight laps to go. Larson held on for second and is second in the points standings.

“I did everything but win,” Larson said. “It hurts. Luckily, I have a crew chief in Cliff Daniels who will let me complain all I want. And he also knows that when I’m done, the last three words I want to hear are, ‘I hear you.’”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth at Atlanta, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch in the top 10.

“We’re off to Bristol for the next race,” Truex said. “I don’t think anyone really knows how it will turn out. It could be a circus, or it could be the greatest show on ‘earth.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished 15th at Atlanta.

“Xfinity drivers Noah Gragson and Daniel Hemric traded punches after their race on Saturday,” Logano said. “I’m not sure if either really connected, but if Tim Richmond was alive today, he would surely give them credit for ‘swinging.’”

5. Brad Keselowski: Contact with Martin Truex Jr. damaged the front of Keselowski’s No. 2 Penske Mustang and Keselowski limped home with a 28th-place finish.

“I’m in the middle of contract renewal negotiations with Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “Roger Penske has assured me he wants me to stick around, so much like my performance at Atlanta, ‘I’m not going anywhere.’”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney passed Kyle Larson with eight laps to go and pulled away to win the Folds Of Honor Qwik Trip 500 by over two seconds.

“I gave the checkered flag to a young fan in the stands,” Blaney said. “That’s something he’ll treasure for the rest of his life, or, at the very least, as long as the funds from its sale on eBay will last.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Atlanta despite having to make a green flag pit stop due to a flat tire.

“Tony Stewart is engaged to NHRA drag racer Leah Pruett,” Harvick said. “When she walks down the aisle, it will be ¼-mile long. If you would have mentioned ‘tying the knot’ to Tony 10 years ago, he would have adamantly refused to undergo lap-band surgery.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott’s engine blew 220 laps into the Folds Of Honor Qwik Trip 500. He finished 38th.

“When NASCAR’s most popular drivers blow an engine,” Elliott said, “it’s a big deal. When he does it in his home state of Georgia, it sends shock waves throughout the sport. And the sound it makes is ‘GA boom!’”

9. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 21st at Atlanta, only his second result outside of the top 10 this season.

“My Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch won the Trucks Series race on Friday night,” Bell said. “That was his 60th Trucks win. That means that 60 times, Kyle won a race against inferior competition that he was supposed to.”

10. William Byron: Byron came home eighth at Atlanta as Hendrick Motorsports placed three cars in the top 10.

“NASCAR used COVID-19 sniffing dogs to test team members at Atlanta,” Byron said. “It may very well be the first time anyone at a NASCAR race has passed the ‘smell test.’”

March 22, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Phoenix and maintained his lead in the points standings.

“It was a good day for the No. 11 Toyota,” Hamlin said. “So I’m happy. I would have been happier if Bubba Wallace Jr. had held on to a top 10. We think Bubba’s gonna be great. How can he not with me and Michael Jordan mentoring him on the things we know best? It’s perfect—I talk to Bubba about racing and Michael talks to him about championships.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished fourth at Phoenix, posting his third top-five of the year.

“Unfortunately,” Keselowski said, “we had two missing/loose lugnuts in post-race inspection. I’m not saying we’re looking for an advantage, but if you’re gonna ‘cut corners,’ the Phoenix track layout is the place to do it.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex pulled away late and won the Instacart 500 at Phoenix, ending a 29-race winless streak.

“It’s good to be back in Victory Lane,” Truex said. “I’d forgotten what it looked like there, and asking Kyle Busch to describe it was a waste of time.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano led a race-high 143 laps at Phoenix and finished second.

“It was about one year ago that the COVID-19 outbreak shut down our sport,” Logano said. “It’s times like those that make you take stock and be thankful you’re alive. It was the same feeling I got after being confronted by an angry Ryan Newman.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Phoenix.

“Jeff Gordon and Clint Bowyer had a memorable feud at Phoenix back in 2012,” Harvick said. “I think they probably would have thrown hands had an army of crew members not stepped in between them. So, much like Sunday’s race at Phoenix, nothing happened then either.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson started at the rear after failing inspection but worked his way back to the front for a seventh-place finish.

“I failed two inspections,” Larson said. “As you know, NASCAR inspections are pretty routine, monotonous, and boring. That being said, both of mine were more exciting than the race itself.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Phoenix, recording his second top-five result of the year.

“I started from the rear due to unapproved adjustments,” Elliott said. “For those of you not familiar with it, ‘starting from the rear’ is another term for ‘qualifying is virtually meaningless in NASCAR.’”

8. Christopher Bell: Bell finished ninth at Phoenix.

“Actor Jason Biggs served as Grand Marshal for the race,” Bell said. “His ‘start your engines’ command was awesome. And boy, did he put ‘everything into it,’ much like he did to that pie in the movie ‘American Pie.’”

9. William Byron: Byron came home eighth in the Instacart 500 as Hendrick Motorsports placed three cars in the top 10.

“Trucks series driver Stewart Friesen and his wife Jessica will be racing in the same race at Bristol on March 26th,” Byron said. “In a perfect world, the two will make contact and wreck each other, allowing a witty race reporter to ask one of them, ‘How did you two meet?’”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 25th at Phoenix, his day sidetracked by a number of problems.

“Let’s see,” Busch said. “To start with, I had a penalty for an uncontrolled tire. Then, I got spun into the wall by Ross Chastain. And there was more. It was a run of bad luck matched only by my run of expletives I uttered on my radio.”

March 15, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in the article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin claimed fourth at Las Vegas and remained atop the points standings.

“Joe Gibbs Racing put all four cars in the top 10,” Hamlin said. “And Kyle Busch had the best finish of us all. We’re all telling Kyle he ‘finished first’ just to make him feel better.

“I think we’re all looking forward to racing on the dirt at Bristol in a few weeks. I guess you could say it’s ‘grounds’ for excitement.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 1 and finished second at Las Vegas.

“I knew we had a car good enough to finish in the top five,” Keselowski said. “If you were a gambler, I’d have told you to bet the house on a top five. If you were a NASCAR fan, I’d have told you to bet the trailer.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth in the Pennzoil 400.

“Jeff Gordon and Clint Bowyer have great chemistry in the announcer’s booth,” Larson said. “Their years of experience plus their witty banter is on-air magic. You could call it ‘mic joy.’”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Las Vegas but struggled from the start, suffering a tire rub and a flat tire early that eventually resulted in extensive handling problems. He finished 20th.

“We had a fast car,” Karvick said. “The only problem was, it went downhill fast.

“Hopefully, our trouble in Vegas will stay here, and won’t follow us to Phoenix. As the saying goes, ‘What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas.’ Hopefully, that’s true. The following is also true: if there was a Vegas show reboot of a 1970s sitcom about three working-class African-Americans in Watts that had an unlimited run on the Strip, it would be called, ‘What’s Happening (In Vegas) Stays In Vegas.’”

5. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 103 laps and pulled away on the final green-flag run to win the Pennzoil 400 at Las Vegas.

“Frankly,” Larson said, “I’m ‘shocked,’ mostly because I overcame lengthy ‘suspension’ problems to get the win.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say, which means I’ve done something right.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott spun with 99 laps remaining at Las Vegas, but recovered to salvage a 13th-place finish.

“I’m so happy for Kyle Larson,” Elliott said. “He’s in the playoffs, which is the first step in becoming a NASCAR champion. Kyle will probably be the favorite when we return to LVMS. We’ll be back in Nevada in September, which Kyle calls being ‘reinstated.’”

7. William Byron: Byron came home eighth at Las Vegas as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kyle Larson took the win.

“Las Vegas Raiders quarterback Derek Carr served as the race’s Grand marshal,” Byron said. “Many Las Vegas citizens were saying if that was his last job as a ‘starter,’ things are looking up for the Raiders.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Las Vegas.

“Hiring Kyle Larson was a brilliant move for Hendrick Motorsports,” Logano said. “Larson is a team player, unlike that other Kyle that used to drive the No. 5 for Hendrick. With Kyle Busch, the team was all about ‘me, me, me.’ That kind of selfishness is called ‘I Racing,’ and Kyle Larson wants no part of that.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third in the Pennzoil 400 at his hometown of Las Vegas.

“Did I spin intentionally in the Trucks Series race on Friday?” Busch said. “That’s a question I’m unable to answer under oath, or with my hand on a bible, or honestly. Suffice it to say I’d answer with the sincerity of a Teresa Earnhardt wedding vow.”

10. (tie) Christopher Bell: Bell finished seventh at Las Vegas as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 10, led by Kyle Busch’s third.

“That race just flew by,” Bell said. “That’s often not the case. Most times, I find myself saying, ‘I didn’t think that race would ever end.’ That’s in contrast to viewers at home watching Fox’s pre-race coverage, who find themselves saying, ‘I didn’t think that race would ever start.’”

10. (tie) Ryan Preece: Preece finished 15th at Las Vegas.

“Four races,” Preece said, “four different winners. And only one of those four winners made the playoff field last year. I think a precedent has been established: ‘anybody can win.’ And that’s the only reason I can find that would keep Quin Hoff, B.J. McLeod, Garrett Smithley, Cody Ware, Joey Gase, Josh Bilicki, and Timmy Hill motivated to continue embarrassing themselves week after week.”

March 9, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Homestead despite starting at the back of the field and suffering a late pit road speeding penalty.

“It was odd to be racing at Homestead in the third race of the season,” Hamlin said. “Honestly, I thought I was racing for the championship. That’s probably why I finished 11th.

“So, Kyle Petty says I should be worried about my job security. I guess being the son of the ‘King’ only makes you a ‘royal’ pain in the ass.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Homestead as the lone Stewart-Haas Racing driver in the top 10.

“The words ‘Dixie Vodka’ were plastered all over the track,” Harvick said. “And speaking of ‘plastered all over the track,’ Clint Bowyer’s been that as a driver, as an announcer and as a fan.”

3. Michael McDowell: McDowell finished sixth at Homestead and is fourth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

“Kevin Harvick is the only other driver with three top 10s,” McDowell said. “That puts me in fast company. That’s just a bit different than that ‘speed company,’ which is what happens when you’re in the presence of anyone with the last name ‘Mayfield.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home 14th at Homestead and is fifth in the points standings.

“Homestead is the first of nine 1.5-mile tracks on the 2021 schedule,” Elliott said. “That’s nine too many in the opinion of most. The perfect NASCAR schedule would be four super speedway races, 10 road course races, and one Cannonball Run-style cross-country race to close the season.”

5. William Byron: Byron led 102 laps and controlled the race late, to win the Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead.

“Crew chief Rudy Fugle called a heck of a race for the No. 24 Axalta Chevrolet,” Byron said. “And he deserves all the praise from everyone. So, I ‘Ax-al-ta‘ rise and give it up to Rudy.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished a disappointing 25th on a tough day for Penske Racing. Logano is still second in the points standings, 12 behind Denny Hamlin.

“Three races into the season,” Logano said, “and Penske Racing doesn’t have a win yet. But there’s no need to panic. We of all teams know that fortunes can change in the blink of an eye. For example, Penske was running 1-2 on the last lap in the Daytona 500 and didn’t win.”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 37 laps and finished third at Homestead.

“The No. 19 Bass Pro Shops Toyota was strong on long runs all day,” Truex said, “until the last one. But I still finished third, so I think we’ll be all right, ironically, in the ‘long run.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Homestead and is eighth in the points standings.

“Chip Ganassi wasn’t allowed to attend the race,” Busch said. “He was suspended for violating COVID-19 protocols last week at Daytona. In medical terms, Chip ‘flu the coop.’

“But in all seriousness, Chip’s actions weren’t anywhere near the dumbest in Ganassi Racing history. Heck, it didn’t even make the top 10. That’s because 1 through 10 are occupied by Juan Pablo Montoya for crashing into a Jet Dryer at Daytona in 2012.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Homestead as Hendrick Motorsports placed three cars in the top 10, led by race winner William Byron.

“Congratulations to William Byron,” Larson said. “If you would have told me before the race that ’24’ would be in Victory Circle, I would have guessed it was the age of the winner.”

10. (tie):Christopher Bell: Bell finished 20th at Homestead and is seventh in the points standings.

“Obviously,” Bell said, “I would have liked to have won back-to-back races. But it was not to be. Winning on Daytona’s road course was a dream come true. Finishing 20th at Homestead was the first of 34 wake-up calls.”

10. (tie): Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th at Homestead.

“It’s not the result we were looking for,” Keselowski said. “On the bright side, my teammate Joey Logano didn’t wreck, which leads to an even brighter side, which is the fact that I’m not obligated to talk to him.”

March 1, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona Road Course

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led five laps and finished third at Daytona’s road course.

“What a weekend for Joe Gibbs,” Hamlin said. “In addition to Christopher Bell’s win in the Cup race, Joe’s 18-year-old grandson Ty won the Xfinity race on Saturday. Now, Joe’s got it all. In Kyle Busch, he’s got the ‘baby.’ In Ty Gibbs, he’s got the ‘baby face.’”

2. Christopher Bell: Bell muscled past Joey Logano with two laps to go to seize the win at the O’Reilly Auto Parts 253 at Daytona’s Road Course. It was Bell’s first Cup win and the second week in a row a first-time winner reached Victory Lane.

“I knew I needed to get past Logano when I did,” Bell said. “Take it from me and Brad Keselowski; if you want to get to Victory Circle, you don’t want to be behind Joey with one lap to go.

“I’m thankful to be a part of this Joe Gibbs Racing team. I’ve worked hard to get to where I’m at. To win in just my second start with JGR really puts it all into perspective, including the 57 races it took Erik Jones to get his first win.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Daytona’s road course and is now third in the points standings.

“That may have been the quietest sixth-place finish in history,” Harvick said. “I may not have been involved in any of it, but that race had a lot of action. If you thought that race lacked action, then you must have been comparing it to Jeff Gordon’s and Clint Bowyer’s rental car race. That looked like fun, at least to the drivers. If you asked the cars about it, however, they would have said, ‘This ‘Hertz.””

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott dominated early at Daytona, winning Stage 1 easily, but spun battling for position late and finished a disappointing 21st.

“I made the save of the day,” Elliott said, “after I was forced into the grass on a late restart. That’s when the race really went ‘green.’

“And speaking of ‘green,’ Roush Fenway Racing became the first carbon neutral NASCAR team. That’s no surprise, because Roush Fenway has been stuck in ‘neutral’ for years now.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived an early spin and recovered to place fifth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 253.

“Joey Logano and I had a healthy discussion about the incident in the Daytona 500,” Keselowski said. “It’s not like either one of us wanted to talk, but Roger Penske demanded we do it. Honestly, I would have rather tried to ‘clear the air’ in a Martinsville bathroom with Jimmy Spencer and Tony Stewart after a hot-dog-eating contest.”

6. Michael McDowell: Daytona 500 winner McDowell finished eighth at Daytona’s road course and is sixth in the points standings.

“Christopher Bell and I are locked into the playoffs,” McDowell said. “Along with Chase Elliott’s championship run last year, this is the breath of fresh air that NASCAR’s needed for years now. And that’s mostly because this sport is overwhelmingly comprised of a bunch of old farts.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano took the lead on Lap 63 when other cars pitted for fresh tires, but couldn’t hold off Christopher Bell down the stretch.

“Brad and I had a brief interaction before the race,” Logano said. “I guess we should speak at greater length. Brad suggested I set aside some time on the calendar to talk. His exact words were, ‘You should ‘block’ some time for us to meet.’”

8. Ryan Preece: Preece followed up his sixth in the Daytona 500 with a ninth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 253.

“It’s a great start to the season for JTG-Daugherty Racing,” Preece said. “Brad Daugherty is probably one of the proudest owners in the NASCAR garage. You can tell because he’s got his head held higher than usual, which is already pretty high.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 253 and moved to eighth place in the points standings.

“It was a good day for Ganassi Racing,” Busch said. “Not so much for my car owner Chip Ganassi, who was fined $30,000 and suspended for one race for bringing a nonessential individual into the restricted competition area. I myself have been considered a ‘nonessential individual,’ most often by my girlfriends or wives.”

10. Cole Custer: Custer finished 13th at Daytona.

“I’m part of NASCAR’s youth movement,” Custer said. “Now, ‘twenty-something’ is also the answer to the question, ‘How old was the race winner?’, and not just the answer to the question, ‘How many beers did Clint Bowyer drink?’”

February 23, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stages 1 and 2 at Daytona and finished fifth after a wild finish.

“We lost a lot of ground on our final pit stop,” Hamlin said. “We just didn’t have the drafting numbers that the Fords and Chevrolets enjoyed. You know, the great Tim Richmond was way ahead of his time, because he was known to extol the virtues of having multiple partners. Maybe he wasn’t necessarily talking about drafting partners, but I like to believe Tim’s messages could be applied universally. I won’t even broach the subject of Tim’s opinion of going ‘three wide.’”

2. Michael McDowell: McDowell ran in third place on the final lap and pounced on the winning opening when Penske teammates Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski wrecked battling for the win.

“People often say you need teamwork to win at Daytona,” McDowell said. “It’s true. So, I’d like to thank Logano and Keselowski for their teamwork. As they say, ‘Teamwork makes the dream work.’ If the case of Penske Racing, ‘their teamwork made my dream work, and made their team work, extra hard, to pick up the remains of two destroyed race cars.’”

3. Chase Elliott: Eliott finished second at Daytona as Michael McDowell beat him to the line after a huge last-lap pileup.

“Luke Combs performed before the race on Sunday,” Elliott said. “James Taylor would have been a perfect post-race artist, because there was ‘Fire And Rain.’”

“Pit Bull gave the command to start the engines. If a driver is penalized for speeding on pit lane and doesn’t agree with it, he would call that ‘pit bull.’”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 17 laps and finished fourth in the Daytona 500.

“It was a long day at Daytona,” Harvick said. “Heck, the race started on Valentine’s Day and finished the following day. Despite that, there was no ‘love lost’ between Penske Racing teammates Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s move for the win on the final lap at Daytona was met by a block from Joey Logano. Contact sent the two spinning, resulting in a fiery collision involving multiple cars. Keselowski finished 13th.

“I’m not one to point fingers,” Keselowski said, “because I don’t have enough to indicate the amount of blame Joey deserves. Let’s just say Joey earned quite a few ‘bonus points.’”

6. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished third at Daytona, one of seven Chevrolets in the Top 10.

“That six-hour weather delay was brutal,” Dillon said. “It actually felt longer. In other words, it felt like Fox’s pre-race coverage. And there was just as much ‘hot air.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano led on the final lap but his attempt to block Penske teammate Brad Keselowski took them both out and allowed Michael McDowell to capture an unlikely Daytona 500 win.

“I’m sure Brad is mad at me,” Logano said. “But what really scares me is facing my boss Roger Penske. He’s gonna let me have it. Suffice it to say ‘Sliced Bread’ is ‘toast.’

“Now, I don’t necessarily take responsibility for that final lap chaos. After all, we’re racing in Florida, where there are no income taxes, and, more importantly for me, no consequences for your actions.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 14th at Daytona after a wild finish that saw Busch slam hard into Brad Keselowski, causing a fiery aftermath.

“It’s certainly not the first time Brad and I have had a ‘heated exchange,’” Busch said. “And I can certainly understand why Brad was so ‘hot’ after the race.

“Now, is my brother Kurt retiring soon? I’d say any driver that posts a cryptic video featuring the likes of Vanilla Ice and Rob Gronkowski is likely in the middle of a mid-life crisis, or a fever dream.”

9. Ryan Preece: Preece finished sixth at Daytona.

“What an unlikely win for Michael McDowell,” Preece said. “And speaking of ‘unlikely Daytona 500 winners,’ 1990 Daytona 500 winner Derrick Cope was the first driver out of the race. That wasn’t totally unexpected, because we’ve been saying for years, ‘Derrick Cope should be ‘retiring’ any minute now.’”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 10th in the Daytona 500 in his first race for Hendrick Motorsports.

“Congratulations to Michael McDowell,” Larson said. “I can only imagine how I’d react if I was to become Daytona 500 champion. I’m pretty sure I’d be speechless, just to be safe.

“It’s great to have Michael Jordan in NASCAR. It’s great for business. If you’re looking for a sport to take off in popularity, ‘bet on NASCAR.’ If you’re looking for a car owner to bet on NASCAR, bet on Michael Jordan.’”

February 16, 2021