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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott raced his way into the playoff finale with a commanding win at Martinsville.

    “This is the biggest win of my career,” Elliott said. “If I can still say that after the race at Phoenix, then you’ll know I’m not the 2020 Cup champion.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Martinsville and will be joined by Chase Elliott, Denny Hamlin and Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski in battle for the Cup at Phoenix.

    “2020 has been one of the most trying years in racing,” Logano said. “But if I take the championship in Phoenix, I’m gonna party like it’s 2019.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s championship hopes were dashed with a 17-place finish at Martinsville,

    “I turned Kyle Busch on the last lap in a last-ditch effort to gain a position,” Harvick said. “Or maybe I just wrecked Kyle because it makes me feel so darn good.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Martinsville and squeaked his way into the playoffs.

    “Luckily,” Hamlin said, “my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Erik Jones didn’t pass me there at the end. If he would have, it would have been the first time a driver was fired twice from a race team.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski overcame a late speeding penalty to finish fourth and qualify for the championship finale at Phoenix.

    “The tension was noticeable at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “You could feel it. You could taste it. You could smell it. Interestingly enough, you could say the same thing about a Martinsville hot dog, often two days after you’ve eaten one.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished sixth at Martinsville.

    “Bubba Wallace will be driving the No. 23 for Michael Jordan’s race team next season,” Bowman said. “It’s currently unknown who will sponsor the No. 23 car in 2021. I’m sure Jordan will have some big-name sponsors for that car. By the way, when a sponsor places its paint scheme on that No. 23 car, Jordan calls it ‘putting money on.

    7. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished seventh in the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville.

    “It was a disastrous day for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Almirola said. “Kevin Harvick missed a shot at the Cup championship and Clint Bowyer and myself spun each other. And it all means Tony Stewart won’t be bringing donuts to the drivers’ meeting, or at least to share with others.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished ninth at Martinsville.

    “Kevin Harvick spun me just before the finish line,” Busch said. “It’s okay. I know he was trying to make a kamikaze move to miraculously make the championship final. But I guess God wasn’t looking out for Kevin. While he wasn’t touched by an angel, I was ‘touched by an a-hole.’”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth at Martinsville.

    “Kyle Larson has been reinstated,” Busch said. “He’ll be driving the No. 5 car for Hendrick Motorsports next season. I’m not sure what the paint scheme will look like, but I’m guessing the colors will be ‘muted.’”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led as late as lap 457 at Martinsville but a loose wheel forced a pit stop under green, and Truex finished 22nd.

    “Congratulations to the four drivers with a chance to win the Cup,” Truex said. “I guess I’m pulling for my JGR teammate Denny Hamlin. I’m not Denny’s biggest fan, but team orders dictate that I have to say that. And I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud, like you would, say, on a radio.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano held off Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win at Kansas and punch his ticket to the championship round at Phoenix.

    “Harvick was looming in my rear-view mirror for the last 40 laps,” Logano said. “But I didn’t even notice, because I was looking ahead to Phoenix. And while the heat is on the rest of the playoff field, I’ll be able to chill.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Kansas.

    “I just couldn’t find my way around Joey Logano,” Harvick said. “He made passing almost impossible, as did NASCAR’s rules package. It’s almost like the ‘fix’ was in. Maybe the ‘fix’ will be this offseason, when NASCAR can hopefully change the rules to make racing at intermediate tracks more watchable.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished sixth at Kansas and now finds himself below the playoff cutoff line.

    “We’re not hitting the panic button just yet,” Elliott said. “But we are familiarizing ourselves with its whereabouts.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin brushed the wall early at Kansas and eventually finished 15th.

    “It’s never a good time to hit the wall,” Hamlin said, “especially in the middle of the NASCAR playoffs. In my defense, it was ‘crunch’ time.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home fourth at Kansas as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win.

    “Joey drove a heck of a race,” Keselowski said. “Now, he’s sitting pretty. He’s also sitting in the driver’s seat, as well as the catbird seat.”

    6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished third in the Hollywood Casino 400 at Kansas.

    “Not many people expected me to make it to the Round Of 8,” Bowman said. “But I proved I belong. And unless I do something big in Texas, it won’t ‘be long’ before I’m out of the playoffs.”

    7. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished ninth at Kansas.

    “We need a win in the worst way,” Truex said. “So we have to put it all on the line. And, fitting of the state of Texas, we’re going there with guns blazing.”

    8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 13th at Kansas, and will need a win in either of the next two races to advance.

    “Kyle Larson has filed for reinstatement,” Almirola said. “I think NASCAR will reinstate him, and a top team will sign him, to probably the most ‘carefully worded’ contract in the sport’s history.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “Since I’m out of championship contention,” Busch said, “I’m just going through the motions. Heck, I’d rather not even run the last three races. Honestly, I don’t think anyone would notice if I wasn’t there, especially anyone standing in Victory Lane.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch’s engine expired on Lap 193 at Kansas and he finished 38th.

    “My race came to a halt real quick,” Busch said. “I went from about 750 horsepower to no horsepower. So, ‘Whoa‘ is me.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Charlotte.

    “Clint Bowyer is retiring at season’s end,” Harvick said, “and moving to the broadcast booth. Now, Clint’s gonna get paid to never stop talking.”

    2. Chase Elliott: Elliott won at Charlotte’s Roval course, taking his fourth straight road course win. Elliott secured his spot in the playoff Round of 8.

    “I love road courses,” Elliott said. “And there are six road course races on next year’s Cup schedule. That plays right into my hands. So next year, I’ll be taking the ‘circuitous’ route to the championship.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin struggled at Charlotte, spinning twice and suffering body damage on his way to a 15th-place finish.

    “I let the back end get away from me,” Hamlin said, “which is probably something Tony Stewart said after a post-diet bender.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth at Charlotte as the playoff field was trimmed to eight drivers.

    “My brother Kyle was eliminated from the playoffs,” Busch said. “So it’s up to me to uphold the family name. But just a cursory glance through the Busch brothers history of legal problems would tell you neither of us is capable of upholding much of anything ethical.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Charlotte.

    “It’s the Round Of 8,” Logano said. “This is where you separate the boys from the men. Some drivers, like Matt Kenseth, might question whether I belong in either category. Just check the history books; you’ll see I’m ‘classified’ as a ‘Cup champion.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th at Charlotte.

    “Many NASCAR purists are against racing in the rain,” Keselowski said. “That’s probably why you see all these ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flags in the parking lot.”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Charlotte and joins Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin in the Round Of 8.

    “Kyle Busch went from Cup champion,” Truex said, “to not even making it to the third round of the playoffs. They call that ‘falling off a cliff,’ and right into the ‘glory hole.’”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished eighth in the Bank Of America Roval 400 and advanced to the next round of the playoffs.

    “I’ll be driving the No. 48 car next year,” Bowman said. “It’s gonna be weird sitting in that seat that Jimmie drove to 7 Cup championships. It would be even weirder if Jimmie was still in it.”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 16th at Charlotte’s Roval and was eliminated from the playoffs.

    “How about the Xfinity Series race in the rain on Saturday?” Almirola said. “Now that was exciting. There was so much water on the course, there was no way that race was going to be ‘hydro-plain.’”

    10. Kyle Busch: A flat tire derailed Busch’s chances of advancing to the next round of the playoffs. He finished 30th.

    “Finally,” Busch said, “I’ve been put out of my misery. As last year’s Cup champion, I lost my ‘mojo,’ as well as every Cup race I entered this season.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won at Talladega in a wild finish, the result not determined until the third overtime. Hamlin officially qualified for the next round of the playoffs.

    “And I got boo’ed for my effort by many of the 15,000 fans in attendance,” Hamlin said. “You’d think masks would have muffled that, but it is Alabama, so apparently not.

    “Michael Jordan is in NASCAR. I assume this means there will be an ‘Aero Jordan’ product line out soon.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th in the YellaWood 500 at Talladega.

    “I’m not sure what ‘YellaWood’ is,” Harvick said. “I hear it’s treated with something; I’m guessing it’s penicillin.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Talladega and was the only playoff driver other than Denny Hamlin to crack the top 10.

    “Chad Knaus is leaving the pit box to become Hendrick Motorsports Vice President Of Competition,” Elliott said. “‘VP Of Competition’ is probably code for ‘Finder Of Ways To Cheat Without Getting Caught.’ But if they gave Chad that job title, it would look very suspicious.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th in the YellaWood 500 at Talladega.

    “The race was pure chaos from the start,” Keselowski said. “We had a caution before one lap was completed. And from there, the attrition was constant, and that includes the race’s flag man, who suffered a torn rotator cuff.”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch was ousted at Talladega in a Lap 110 crash in which his car went airborne. He finished 32nd.

    “Luckily,” Busch said, “I stuck the landing.

    “Even though I was in it, I didn’t have to worry about the ‘Big One’ at Talladega, because the Monster Energy Chevy was the ‘Big 1’ last week at Las Vegas.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd at Talladega.

    “You always have to expect the unexpected at Talladega,” Truex said. “Like, for example, it was not expected that you’d have to switch channels from NBC to NBC Sports Network to see the conclusion of the race. The notion that this helped ratings is ‘remote.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 26th at Talladega, as Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott were the only playoff drivers in the top 10.

    “This race took over four hours to complete,” Logano said, “and the margin of victory was a mere .086 seconds. And that’s the long and short of it.”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th at Talladega and is seventh in the points standings.

    “The 2021 NASCAR schedule is out,” Bowman said, “and there’s a race at Bristol on dirt. It’s the first Cup race on dirt since 1970. So fans, get your tickets now, else you’ll be left out of the dust.”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola was knocked out of the race while leading in a wreck with three laps to go in Stage 1. He finished 37th and will need a win at Charlotte to advance.

    “I guess I’m putting all my eggs in one basket,” Almirola said. “And when I get to Charlotte, I’m gonna throw all the eggs in that basket at Alex Bowman for wrecking me.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch’s rough day at Talladega involved several wrecks, blown tires, and various damages to his No. 18 Toyota. He completed 188 laps before his day was mercifully ended.

    “My day at Talladega,” Busch said, “not to mention my year in general, has me thinking ‘early retirement.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Las Vegas.

    “I’ve got a comfortable points lead,” Harvick said. “There’s a safe distance between me and the cut off line. And that’s exactly how I plan to race at Talladega—a ‘safe distance’ from the front.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Las Vegas and went on to a third-place finish in the South Point 400.

    “I’m now a co-owner with Michael Jordan of a car to be driven by Bubba Wallace,” Hamlin said. “It’s great to have M.J. involved in our sport. And I’m sure this isn’t the first time Michael’s ‘put money on’ NASCAR.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started 12th and finished 13th at Las Vegas.

    “I battled handling issues all day,” Keselowski said. “The No. 2 Auto Trader Ford was just not responsive. And trust me, I was talking to it all day, with language unfit even for Kyle Busch’s radio.”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 22nd in the South Point 400.

    “Hendrick Motorsports was fined $100,000 for a wind tunnel violation,” Elliott said. “Apparently, we exceeded the amount of time you’re allowed in the wind tunnel. That’s pretty much the definition of ‘blowing’ $100,000.”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch secured his spot in the playoff Round of 8 with a win in his hometown of Las Vegas.

    “There was a little luck involved,” Busch said. “I took the lead when a caution flew during green-flag pit stops. So, maybe I didn’t have the best car, but I had enough car. It’s a case of ‘Local boy makes good enough.’”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth at Las Vegas and is now sixth in the playoff points standings.

    “We’ve got Talladega next on the schedule,” Truex said. “And who knows what might happen there? That’s always the question at Talladega, and as questions go, it’s a ‘big one.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th at Las Vegas, as an early tire issue set him back in the field.

    “That ‘tire issue’ was caused by contact with Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “Trust me, if I could have no contact with Kyle Busch, I’d be thrilled.”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished fifth at Las Vegas and now stands seventh in the standings.

    “I’m one of the drivers who are hovering around the cut off line,” Bowman said. “It’s tough on one’s mental state. Plus, we’ve got Talladega to deal with. That means we may have to deal with wrecks, all while trying not to be a nervous wreck.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth in an up-and-down day at Las Vegas.

    “I’ve now gone 30 races without a win,” Busch said. “So I know I’m due. And I’m counting on ‘when’ and ‘win’ intersecting at Talladega.”

    10.Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 17th in the South Point 400.

    “I’ll most likely need a win to advance,” Almirola said. “And Talladega will be a challenge, so I’ll need good aerodynamics and the good Lord on my side. So, I’m heading to Alabama’s superspeedway on a ‘wing and a prayer.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick overcame a commitment line penalty to finish seventh at Richmond.

    “My win at Darlington already advanced me to the next round,” Harvick said. “So I was racing at Richmond with no pressure. Trust me, it’s not often you can say ‘I was loose all day’ and it means a good thing.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 2 at Richmond and controlled the race thereafter, taking the win in the Federated Auto Parts 400 and a spot in the next round of the playoffs.

    “I made it look easy,” Keselowski said. “But looks can be deceiving. Not in this case though, because it was easy.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Richmond, but was nabbed for speeding on pit road during subsequent pit stops. He scrapped his way back to a 12th place finish.

    “Despite that,” Hamlin said, “I still qualified for the next playoff round. That means I can go to Bristol and gun for the win. I can’t wait to get there. But I have to make sure I don’t get ahead of myself. In other words, ‘not so fast.’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth in the Federated Auto Parts 400, posting his 11th top five of the year.

    “Except for competition cautions,” Elliott said, “the entire race was caution-free. My standing in the points is such that I can race at Bristol ‘caution-free.’”

    5. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex battled up front all night at Richmond and came home with the runner-up finish.

    “I’ve finished fourth or better in nine of the last 10 races,” Truex said. “That’s a losing streak most, if not all, drivers would love to have.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Richmond as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski secured a dominating win.

    “Brad all but predicted a win,” Logano said. “That’s called ‘reverse psychology,’ because he ‘backed it up.’”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished a disappointing 19th at Richmond, and now likely needs a win at Bristol to advance to Round 2 of the playoffs.

    “I had to make an unscheduled pit stop for a loose wheel during Stage 1,” Blaney said. “I’ll tell you what else is ‘not secure’—–the job of one of my tire changers.”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Richmond and is eighth in the points standings, 27 points ahead of 13th.

    “Jimmie Johnson is headed to Indy Car next year,” Byron said. “Jimmie’s been looking for more speed all year; apparently, he had to leave the sport of NASCAR to find it.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Richmond and is in solid position to advance to the Round Of 12.

    “I’m happy with the result,” Busch said, “considering we started at the back after failing two inspections. Apparently, as long as the No. 18 car is moving, it earns a passing grade.”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth at Richmond as Stewart-Haas Racing placed three cars in the top 10.

    “I’m seven points above the playoff cut-off line,” Almirola said. “That’s an uncomfortable margin, mostly because it’s too close for comfort.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took the win at Darlington after inheriting the lead when Chase Elliott and Martin Truex, Jr. hit the wall battling for the lead late.

    “If this were the Olympics,” Harvick said, “I would have won the gold, while Eliott and Truex would have shared the silver, for handing me that win on a platter of such.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at Darlington.

    “I missed getting into the pits late in the race,” Hamlin said, “and that cost me. I missed the left into the pits. Several other drivers made mistakes at Darlington. So I guess as far as making mistakes goes, it was ‘my turn.’”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 20th in the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “Martin Truex Jr. tried to pass me for the lead and wasn’t clear,” Elliott said. “The result? We both hit the wall and lost our chances to win. So, in our tangle, there were no winners.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Darlington, posting his seventh top-5 of the season

    “It was ‘throwback’ weekend at Darlington,” Logano said. “Mine honored Bobby Allison. His brother Donnie will be honored whenever NASCAR has a ‘throw punch‘ weekend.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski hit the wall in Stage 1 and fell a lap down before recovering to post an 11th at Darlington.

    “When you make a mistake at Darlington,” Keselowski said, “the wall makes you pay for it. Now, if Corey LaJoie hits the wall with his ‘Trump 2020’ car, the wall makes Mexico pay for it.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex swept Stages 1 and 2, but fell from contention after initiating contact while trying to pass Chase Elliott with 15 laps to go. Truex finished 22nd.

    “I take full responsibility,” Truex said. “I said as much on Twitter, where my new Twitter handle is ‘@fault.’”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney suffered a flat rear tire early in Stage 2, and the ensuing pit stop left him a lap down. Unable to recover, he finished 24th.

    “Even before that,” Blaney said, “I was docked 10 points and sent to the back of the field for improperly mounted ballast. That’s a pretty stiff punishment, and is also known as being ‘heavily penalized.’”

    8. William Byron: Byron finished fifth at Darlington, just ahead of Handrick Motorsports teammate Alex Bowman.

    “I just signed a two-year contract extension with Hendrick Motorsports,” Byron said. “I signed on the dotted line, while also making sure I didn’t sign below the yellow line.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Darlington and is 10th in the points standings.

    “I’m the guy most people might be overlooking to win the championship,” Busch said. “My odds in Vegas to win the title are pretty slim. So, as far as oddsmakers go, ‘no one likes me to win.’ Remove the ‘to win’ part of that phrase, and you have another true statement.”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished ninth in the Cook Out Southern 500 and is now 12th in the point standings.

    “I’m sitting right on the playoff bubble,” Almirola said. “My Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick doesn’t have to worry about that. In fact, he’s thinking not about the ‘playoff bubble,’ but the ‘playoff bubbly.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th at Daytona.

    “I had an early overheating issue,” Harvick said. “It seems some trash collected on my front grill. As one would expect in this sport, it was ‘white trash.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led at the final restart at Daytona, but was shuffled out of the draft and finished third.

    “I’d like to be a team owner once my driver days are over,” Hamlin said. “And speaking of ‘taking ownership,’ Tyler Reddick apologized for causing the lap 152 ‘Big One.’”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott survived on a wild night at Daytona to take the runner-up position in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “The race was called the ‘Coke Zero Sugar 400,’” Elliott said. “I don’t know a lot about Coke Zero, but I do know something about ‘Zero Coke.’ That’s the drug consumption in the Daytona infield with no fans.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth at Daytona and is sixth in the points standings.

    “The last eight laps at Daytona were pure chaos,” Truex said. “Incidentally, ‘Pure Chaos’ might be Tyler Reddick’s new nickname or the newest Mountain Dew flavor.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano won Stages 1 and 2 at Daytona, but his strong Stage 3 run ended when he was collected in a big crash with one lap to go. He finished 27th.

    “I got bounced around pretty hard when I was knocked out of the race,” Logano said. “So, I’m upset I got knocked out of the race, and I’m a little sore from the wreck. So, in other words, ‘Sliced Bread’ feels ‘crumby.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Daytona, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

    “I purposely hung back for much of the race,” Keselowski said, “to avoid becoming a victim in an inevitable crash. I thought it wise to stay out of harm’s way. If I really want to find myself in harm’s way, I’ll ask Kevin Harvick to push me there.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth at Daytona.

    “You saw the ‘Big One’ happen with eight laps to go,” Blaney said. “I think everyone can agree that Tyler Reddick was totally responsible for causing that. I’m sure Tyler will have a lot of drivers he needs to apologize to. He’ll have a lot of stops to make, so he should drive. That’s called a ‘guilt trip.’”

    8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 18th at Daytona and enters the playoffs in 12th place, 52 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “I’m going to the playoffs with the mindset to win it all,” Almirola said. “I’m so confident, I guarantee my name will be atop the standings after we race in Phoenix on November 8. Of course, I’m counting on drivers to be ranked alphabetically.”

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 19th in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “I clinched a spot in the playoffs after Stage 1 ended,” Bowyer said. “I considered doing a burnout to celebrate. But I ultimately decided against it, because the last time I ‘intentionally spun’ before a race was over, it wasn’t a good look for me.”

    10. (tie) William Byron: Byron survived a hectic finish at Daytona to take the win in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “There were two huge crashes in the final eight laps,” Byron said. “My car is sponsored by Liberty University, so I’m guessing Jerry Fallwell Jr. loved watching this race because he likes watching people ‘smash.’”

    10. (tie): Kyle Busch: Busch was leading at Daytona on Lap 152 when Tyler Reddick went for an ill-advised block, forcing Busch into the wall and triggering the ‘Big One.’ Busch was knocked out of the race and finished 33rd.

    “I’m not sure what Reddick was thinking,’” Busch said. “As they often say in NASCAR, it appears he ‘ran out of talent.’ That’s true, but when your wreck the defending NASCAR champion who’s also leading the race, you’ve ‘ran into talent.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 223 of 311 laps to win the Drydene 311 at Dover.

    “It’s always cool to win at Dover,” Harvick said. “And the ‘Miles The Monster’ trophy is the best trophy in NASCAR. It’s also useful on lonely days. When I get lonely, I sit that trophy on the couch and pretend I’m having a conversation with Bruton Smith.

    “I clinched the regular season. The regular season doesn’t mean that much to me, but to old farts like Tony Stewart, ‘regular season’ means you’re on the toilet three times a day.

    2. Denny Hamlin: An unscheduled pit stop cost Hamlin any chance for completing the Dover weekend sweep. Instead, he finished 19th while the main rival Kevin Harvick took the win.

    “I had a loose wheel,” Hamlin said. “So, it appears the only thing ‘tight’ were the nerves of the crew member responsible. We can’t have crucial mistakes like that. Maybe that crew member should be cut loose.”

    3. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished second on Sunday at Dover, matching his Saturday result. He is fourth in the points standings, 196 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “I really wanted both those wins,” Truex said. “So to come up short both times is gut-wrenching. So, instead of the ‘Double-Dover,’ I’m ‘doubled over.’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Dover, but trouble struck early on lap six, when contact between Joey Logano and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. caused Elliott to hit the rear of Kyle Busch. Elliott finished 39th.

    “This season,” Elliott said, “it’s not often you find yourself behind Kyle Busch. Last year, when Kyle won the championship, many people found themselves behind him. Who else may have found themselves behind Kyle at other points in time? State troopers.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Dover, claiming his 13th top-10 of the year.

    “I caused major problems for other cars when I made contact with Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.,” Logano said. “It was my mistake, so I take all the blame. And I have no problem taking all the blame when I’m at fault, on the one condition that punishment doesn’t come courtesy of Matt Kenseth.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home eighth at Dover.

    “While we were racing at Dover,” Keselowski said, “the Indianapolis 500 was running at The Brickyard. Indy car speeds were approaching 240 miles per hour, so if its speed your comparing, Indy cars have our ‘milk.’”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 12th at Dover and is now seventh in the points standings, 203 out of first.

    “Erik Moses was named president of Nashville Speedway,” Blaney said. “He became the first black track president in NASCAR history. Many NASCAR fans honored the announcement by flying their Confederate flags upside down.”

    8. Aric Almirola: Almirola led 22 laps at Dover and finished seventh.

    “I clinched a spot in the championship playoffs,” Almirola said. “That’s an accomplishment. And that calls for a clenched fist. I’ll let those who haven’t clinched clench their sphincters.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 11th at Dover and clinched a spot in the championship round.

    “I’m just glad I don’t have to go to Daytona to clinch a spot,” Busch said. “So, for probably the first time this year, you could say the No. 18 team is ‘locked in.’”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 16th at Dover.

    “I haven’t officially clinched a spot in the playoffs,” Bowyer said. “But it would take an act of God for me not to make the playoffs. So, I’m praying that God doesn’t act. I don’t know if that makes me a Christian or a heathen.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona Road Course

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona Road Course

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Daytona and finished 17th after an early spin and contact left his back in the field.

    “I was the first car to the new chicane,” Harvick said. “Let me be the first to tell you, facing a chicane you’ve never seen before ain’t easy. In fact, it’s a ‘hard left.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 2nd in the Gobowling.com 235 at Daytona Road Course.

    “That’s my third runner-up finish in the last 4 races,” Hamlin said. “If someone told you that I’m sick of coming up short, I would ‘second’ that emotion.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott held off Denny Hamlin over the closing laps to capture the win at Daytona’s road course.

    “The race was called the ‘Gobowling.com 235,’” Elliott said. “And Hooters is one of my major sponsors. If it hasn’t already been done, then I’ll take credit for the first ‘nice rack’ reference.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished 9th at Daytona.

    “The new chicane at Daytona caused a lot of worries beforehand,” Logano said, “but it was mostly a non-factor. That wasn’t the case in the Xfinity Series race on Saturday when several drivers braked late and ran off the track. It was definitely a ‘turn for the worse’ in that race.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 13th at Daytona on a lackluster day for Penske Racing.

    “Some drivers thrive on road courses,” Keselowski said. “Like Chase Elliott. He’s a ‘road warrior.’ Me? Road courses make me anxious. So, I’m a ‘road worrier.’”

    6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex was a factor all day and came home 3rd at Daytona’s road course. He is 7th in the points standings.

    “I really hurt my chances when I got caught speeding on pit lane,” Truex said. “So, I shot myself in the foot. Fortunately, it didn’t do any damage, because I have a lead foot.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney struggled at Daytona’s road course, finishing 31st, his second consecutive finish outside the top 30.

    “We raced Daytona’s road course without the benefit of practice,” Blaney said. “That’s all anyone talked about before the race, and it got a little monotonous. Even Allen Iverson couldn’t believe we were talking ’bout practice.”

    8. Aric Almirola: Almirola started sixth and finished 24th in the Gobowling.com 235.

    “I wasn’t at my best,” Almirola said. “Heck, even a guy named ‘Kaz Grala’ finished 7th at Daytona. I thought ‘Kaz Grala’ was an Israeli self-defense discipline. If I would have known at the start I’d finish 31st, I would have submitted right then.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 14th at Daytona.

    “The bigger story is my brother Kyle,” Busch said. “He finished 37th after brake and tire issues forced him out of the race. That’s called a ‘DNF.’ It’s been a frustrating year for Kyle, so that ‘DNF’ could also signify that he ‘Did Ndeed say ‘F.’”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 6th at Daytona’s road course, posting his first top 10 since Pocono in late June.

    “I’m winless this season,” Bowyer said. “But I’m 11th in the points standings. So, as far as making the championship round, I like my chances. As far as winning the Cup championship, I like my chances in hell.”