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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took third at Talladega and is the leader in the Playoff points standings.

“I’m practically a lock to advance to the next round,” Hamlin said. “The mathematicians tell me that as long as I don’t vanish into thin air, I’ll qualify for the next round.

“I hit 204 miles per hour at practice on Friday. When you’re moving that fast, you’re a blur to all fans, not just the ones who’ve been drinking too much.”

2. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex struggled at Talladega, finishing 26th, six laps down.

“I had a pit road speeding penalty,” Truex said, “plus I sustained some damage in a wreck. Luckily, my place in the standings is ‘pointing’ to me advancing to the next round.

“Aerodynamics is of major importance at Talladega. Airflow is a big deal on the track, as well as in the infield port-a-potties. However, when you’re on the track, you want to be in the draft.”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 19th at Talladega, the last car on the lead lap.

“This race was called the ‘1000bulbs.com 500,” Busch said. “Let’s just say, compared to the good old days, today’s NASCAR race names are ‘lit.’

4. Kyle Larson: Larson was collected in a big Lap 107 crash triggered by Alex Bowman blocking a run by Joey Logano. Larson’s car was destroyed and he finished 39th.

“That’s why my win at Dover was so important,” Larson said. “It made my advancement to the Playoffs Round of 8 ‘idiot-proof,’ or should I say ‘Alex Bowman-proof?’”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th in the 1000bulbs.com 500.

“I got knocked out of the race in a wreck caused by Kurt Busch hitting his brother Kyle,” Harvick said. “Somebody, maybe even two people, should be punched for that.

“Stewart-Haas Racing and Smithfield Foods extended their partnership,” Harvick said. “Smithfield specializes in pork, so our collective motto is now, ‘Make the tires squeal like a pig.’”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 25th at Talladega.

“Thanks to Kurt and Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said, “my chances of winning went kaput. In other words, Kurt and Kyle are both ‘asses-sories’ to ruining my day.

“The anxiety at Talladega is always evident. The tension is often so thick, you can cut it with a knife, or something even duller, like Matt Kenseth’s personality.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney nipped Ryan Newman at the finish line by .007 of a second to win at Talladega and punched his ticket to the Round of 8.

“I’d like to thank Aric Almirola for the big push he gave me,” Blaney said. “Two Fords working in harmony is a beautiful sight. The title of my Talladega diary entry could very well be, ‘My Back End, Your Front End.’”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 11th at Talladega and is only 18 points above the cut line to advance to the field of 8.

“I started the race on time,” Logano said. “Unlike Guns ‘N Roses, I didn’t have any ‘Axl’ problems this time.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Talladega and finished eighth.

“Hendrick Motorsports went 1-2-3-4 in qualifying,” Elliott said. “That’s more than just a ‘sweep;’ I would call consolidating the top two rows a ‘vacuum.’ Unfortunately, in the race, we mostly ‘sucked.’”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman’s day ended when he tried to block Joey Logano’s run on Lap 107, triggering a big crash that involved 11 cars.

“Just when my feud with Bubba Wallace was dying down,” Bowman said, “I do something that could start several more. Now there’s egg on my face as well as water.

“And speaking of Bubba, I’ve got a perfect idea to settle our beef. We need to settle this like men, with a duel, with water guns.”

October 14, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Dover.

“Kyle Larson just had too much of a lead,” Truex said. “I knew I couldn’t catch him, so I felt like there was really no point in extending myself trying to catch him. It was a case of ‘too much cushion for the pushin.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Dover and is second in the points standings.

“We certainly looked better than we did last week at Charlotte,” Busch said. “And I was very excited. Heck, I actually felt like hanging around for the finish.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Dover and led 218 laps on his way to a fifth at Dover.

“We were fast most of the race,” Hamlin said. “And we were even faster late in the race. Just to clarify, we were ‘fading fast.’”

4. Kyle Larson: Larson led 154 laps and won at Dover to secure his spot in the next round of the playoffs. The win snapped a 75-race winless streak.

“My wife Katelyn shotgunned a beer in Victory Lane,” Larson said. “That makes her ‘pound-for-pound,’ the absolute best wife in NASCAR.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started fourth and finished fourth at Dover.

“It’s a sad state of the sport,” Harvick said, “when the biggest feud in NASCAR right now is Bubba Wallace versus Alex Bowman. And it’s all about Bubba squirting a little water in Alex’s face. For fans of the sport who like to see a few punches thrown, this is absolute torture. In other words, it’s ‘water boring.’”

6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished third at Dover and solidified his standing in the points. He is seventh, 46 behind Martin Truex, Jr.

“Luckily,” Bowman said, “I didn’t have to deal with Bubba Wallace. At Charlotte, he squirted me in the face with water. I can understand it from his standpoint because that’s the only way he can ‘make a splash’ in this sport.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th, one lap down, in the Drydene 400 at Dover.

“Penske hasn’t been to Victory Lane since June,” Keselowski said. “We’re gonna try our darndest to end this slump. I mean, we’re going to go to great lengths to make it happen. I told Joey Logano we’re gonna work on it until the wheels fall off.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 34th at Dover after a broken axle prevented him from starting the race until he was already 20 laps down.

“That’s not what you would call being on a ‘roll,’” Logano said. “My first reaction was to say, ‘Aw hell! Broke loose!’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished last at Dover after his engine blew just eight laps into the race.

“‘That was quick,’” Elliott said, “is usually a phrase you don’t mind using to describe your car.”

10. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Dover and is now eighth in the playoff points standings.

“We’re off to Talladega,” Byron said, “where anything can happen. Tensions will be high, and with playoff spots and positioning on the line, anxieties will be heightened. So, most drivers will be a ‘wreck’ before they even get on the track.”

October 7, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Charlotte and heads to Round 2 in second, five points behind Kyle Busch.

“Last year,” Truex said, “Jimmie Johnson cost me the win here. He made an insane attempt to pass for the lead on the final corner. It didn’t end well for either of us. Things haven’t ended well for Jimmie in years.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 37th in the Bank Of America Roval 400, 10 laps down.

“I decided to call it a day when the race was red-flagged to allow clean up after a multi-car crash,” Busch said. “It was too hot to sit in the car any longer, and I was already three laps down. That was me saying ‘Bu-bye.’ That’s called ‘quitting while you’re behind.’”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 19th at Charlotte.

“Charlotte’s ‘roval’ is one of the trickiest tracks in NASCAR,” Hamlin said. “It requires a great deal of concentration. One lapse and you will find yourself driving straight into a barrier. Then winning.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third at Charlotte and heads to the next round of the playoffs fifth in the points.

“I think NASCAR needs more road courses,” Harvick said. “Just so we can use the word ‘chicane’ more often. If you asked NASCAR fans if they know what a ‘chicane’ is, they would tell you ‘No.’ But chances are they would know they don’t like it.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott recovered from crashing head-on into a tire barrier while leading to win at Charlotte’s roval.

“That’s called ‘driving the brakes off’ the car,” Elliott said. “Luckily, my airbag didn’t deploy.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth in the Bank Of America Roval 400.

“You really have to work to navigate Charlotte’s roval,” Keselowski said. “There are 17 turns; couple that with in-car temperatures in the 120s and the only way to describe it is ‘turn and burn.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Charlotte and starts Round 2 of the playoffs fourth in the points, 17 behind Kyle Busch in first.

“I only needed to finish 29th or better to advance to the next round,” Logano said. “So, ‘Admission Accomplished.’”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 at Charlotte and finished 13th.

“I had a pit lane penalty,” Larson said. “I left my pit box while a crew member was trying to remove tape from the front of the car. That’s a violation and I was penalized a lap. I guess a ‘drive through’ penalty would have made more sense.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Charlotte.

“Not many people think I can win the championship,” Blaney said. “But before I can wrap my arms around the Monster Energy Cup championship trophy, I have to embrace the role of underdog. It almost sounds like a romance novel. Hey, whatever gets your engine revving.”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman claimed a spot in Round 2 of the playoffs with a gutsy runner-up finish at Charlotte. On an oppressively hot day, Bowman required medical treatment for heat exhaustion after the race.

“I was dizzy,” Bowman said. “So, like Bubba Wallace, I was ‘spinning.’

“I’m currently feuding with Austin Dillon and Bubba Wallace. If they want to come after me, I welcome it. If they feel froggy, they should jump, or as it’s known on the roval, ‘wheel hop.’ It would be the only way they can impact the playoffs.”

September 30, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex passed Kyle Busch for the lead on Lap 26 and won the Federated Auto Parts 400, his second consecutive win.

“I had to overcome getting spun out by Ricky Stenhouse Jr. while I was leading,” Truex said. “Ricky’s made a habit of doing things like this. He’s ruined days, night, weekends, marriages, etc.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 2 but couldn’t hold off Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Martin Truex Jr., who got by Busch and cruised to the win.

“We both had to deal with a lot of lapped traffic,” Busch said. “As you know, lapped traffic can sometimes be your best friend and sometimes be your worst enemy. Currently, lapped traffic is my worst enemy, on and off the track.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took third at Richmond as Joe Gibbs Racing cars took the top four spots until Erik Jones was disqualified from the fourth-place finish.

“JGR was so dominant,” Hamlin said, “we may have put the rest of the teams down for the count. That count is ‘1-2-3-4.’ Unfortunately, Jones suffered a technical knockout.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Richmond and secured a spot in the next round of the playoffs.

“Having my spot in the next round assured really takes the pressure off,” Harvick said. “It always better to have your place ‘clinched,’ as opposed to your sphincter.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished fourth at Richmond.

“I was originally scored in fifth,” Keselowski said, “but Erik Jones was disqualified after his car failed post-race inspection. Jones didn’t pass inspection and if Penske’s performance was any indication as to whether we have anything for Joe Gibbs Racing, then we didn’t ‘pass muster.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano struggled at Richmond and finished 12th.

“I’m certainly not in the championship form I was in last year,” Logano said. “It’s basically the same car, but for some reason, I’m a ‘Shell’ of my former self.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott started third and finished 14th at Richmond.

“We’re headed to Charlotte for the first elimination race of the playoffs,” Elliott said. “There will be tension, there will be desperation, there will be anxiety. But enough about traffic on Bruton Smith Boulevard. I think everyone can agree that placing Kyle Busch right in the middle of that traffic would make it entertaining for everyone.”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond and is eighth in the playoff points standings.

“Erik Jones became the first driver to be disqualified under NASCAR’s new crackdown on rules infringements,” Larson said. “I think NASCAR should be applauded for doing this. Let me clarify that last statement. NASCAR should be sarcastically applauded for doing that. This must be an aspect of NASCAR’s new ‘Rules Are Rules’ initiative.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home 17th at Richmond and is 10th in the playoff standings.

“I’m looking forward to the ‘Roval’ and Charlotte Motor Speedway,” Blaney said. “Last year, I won when Martin Truex Jr. and Jimmie Johnson wrecked at the last corner racing for the lead. Here’s hoping lightning strikes twice. By that, I mean I hope lightning strikes the two leading cars and allows me to win again.”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished fifth at Richmond.

“I’m putting Roush Fenway Racing back on the map,” Newman said. “And speaking of ‘maps,’ it’s been so long since Roush Fenway visited Victory Lane, they probably need directions to get there.”

September 23, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2 at Las Vegas and later passed Kevin Harvick for the lead with 20 laps to go. Truex then eased to victory and secured his place in the next round of the playoffs.

“In this case,” Truex said, “what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas. It follows you all the way to the second round of the playoffs.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch fell two laps down early, but charged back to the lead lap at Las Vegas before a collision halted his ascent. He finished 19th but is still fourth in the Monster Energy points standings.

“That collision was with Garrett Smithey,” Busch said. “Who is Garrett Smithey? He must be the new kid on the block.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 47 laps and took the runner-up spot in the SouthPoint 400 at Las Vegas.

“I was leading,” Harvick said, “and ran into some traffic. That’s when Truex pounced and went from ‘Martin Truex, II‘ to ‘Martin Truex I.’ But I’m thrilled to start the playoffs with a runner-up. And my team would second that emotion.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano captured Stage 1 of the Southpoint 400 at Las Vegas, but ran into trouble in Stage 2 when contact with Daniel Suarez caused significant damage to the No. 22 Penske Ford. Logano recovered to finish ninth.

“I think Daniel Suarez really screwed me,” Logano said. “So I gave him the middle finger. I hate to point fingers, so I didn’t point my middle finger. It was aimed straight up at the sky.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 15th at Las Vegas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Martin Truex Jr. sailed to the win.

“Beside Martin,” Hamlin said, “JGR drivers struggled. I finished 15th, Kyle Busch finished 19th, and Erik Jones may just be finished.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Las Vegas.

“Former NFL superstar Marshawn Lynch drove the pace car in Sunday’s race,” Keselowski said. “Marshawn was known for going ‘Beast Mode,’ which makes sense here, because, after all, this is the Monster Energy Cup series.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott enjoyed a solid start to the playoffs with a fourth-place finish at Las Vegas.

“I’m happy we got off to a good start in the playoffs,’” Elliott said. “Some others weren’t so lucky, like Kyle Busch. He had some issues with a couple of ‘backmarkers.’ Just to clarify, ‘backmarkers’ aren’t ‘tramp stamp’ tattoos on the lower back of NASCAR fans; ‘backmarkers’ are cars that have been lapped. Most drivers don’t want to see either.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch cut a tire and slammed the wall hard on lap 187, ending his race at Las Vegas. He finished last.

“Of course it’s not how you want to start the playoffs,” Busch said. “I was the first driver out of the race. So my day came to an abrupt ending. You might as well call me ‘Curt Busch.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Las Vegas and is now 10th in the points standings.

“The temperature was 100 degrees when the race began,” Blaney said. “Ask any respectable NASCAR fan what’s the best way to deal with heat like that, and they’ll tell you, ‘warm beer.’”

10. William Byron: Byron started 14th and finished seventh at Las Vegas.

“If case you didn’t hear it,” Byron said, “Paul Menard announced his retirement. In case you did hear it and forgot, Paul Menard announced his retirement.”

September 16, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch blew his engine on lap 87 and finished 37th at Indianapolis.

“The race was called the ‘Big Machine Vodka 400 At The Brickyard,’” Busch said. “What a great sponsor for a NASCAR race. It’s a good time for NASCAR fans to claim their first top 10, because they all ‘finished fifth.’ But don’t you dare ever call Mark Martin ‘pint-sized.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin went to a backup car after his car caught on fire after slamming the wall in Saturday practice. He still finished 6th in a backup car, and will start the playoffs in second.

“Saturday practice was an ordeal,” Hamlin said. “NASCAR hasn’t seen a car filled with that much smoke since Winston was sponsoring the Cup.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole and led all but 42 laps on his way to capturing his second Brickyard 400 triumph.

“What a win,” Harvick said. “It was quite a thrill to climb the fence with Tony Stewart. That was exciting, plus it makes me confident that NASCAR catch fences can handle anything.”

4. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished 27th at Indianapolis and will start the championship playoffs in 3rd place.

“The NRA says NASCAR is becoming anti-gun,” Truex said. “Has the NRA seen what’s going on in a NASCAR infield? Everyone is packing, and everyone is loaded. Wait just a minute. I must be thinking about coolers.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 at Indianapolis and finished second, over 6 seconds behind Kevin Harvick.

“Harvick’s car was just too good,” Logano said. “In NASCAR, a six-second lead is an eternity. And, for the fans watching a race that isn’t close, it’s also an eternity.

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski crashed hard on lap 48 after contact with Erik Jones.

“I went hard into a tire barrier,” Keselowski said. “The tires went flying. Those tires covered a very dangerous angle on the track. All I know is that it needs to be ‘retired.’”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 9th at Indianapolis.

“Jimmie Johnson missed making the playoffs,” Elliott said. “That breaks a streak of 15 straight playoffs. Jimmie went from ‘Seven-time,’ to ‘Fifteen-time,’ to now, ‘Not This Time.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 30th at Indianapolis after damage in a lap 106 wreck marred his race.

“I got mixed up in a tangle between Jimmie Johnson and William Byron,” Busch said. “And I absolutely accept no blame in the fiasco. If someone wants to blame me, I’ll deny it vehemently, because I refuse to be anyone’s punching bag.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Indianapolis and heads to the playoffs with 2,004 points, 41 behind first-place Kyle Busch.

“I’m not satisfied with just making the playoffs,” Blaney said. “I want to win the championship. I just spoke those words into my exhaust, because it’s a ‘pipe dream.’”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth at Indianapolis and claimed a spot in the playoff field.

“My Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Daniel Suarez is currently feuding with Ryan Newman,” Harvick said. “It’s become so bad, many people have suggested we build a wall between them.”

September 10, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: An engine change sent Busch to the rear at the start but he steadily climbed forward, ultimately falling short of catching Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Erik Jones, who secured his first win of the year.

“I nearly pulled off the ‘last to first’ run,” Busch said. “I’ve done it many times, the first being when I was born after my older brother Kurt, only to finish first in my parents’ favorite child vote.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was collected in a final stage wreck and finished 29th, his worst finish of the year.

“It was a tough weekend,” Hamlin said. “I won the Xfinity Series race on Saturday, but I was disqualified for what’s known as a ‘ride-height violation.’ There’s a fine line between ‘high enough’ and ‘too high,’ and it’s just one of the many things that’s straddled in track infields every week.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 15th at Darlington, one lap down.

“The race started 4 hours late,” Truex said. “That’s a long time. Drivers even had time for naps. Believe it or not, not racing makes you sleepy. Ask most fans, and they’ll tell you racing makes them sleepy.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Darlington, and is now fourth in the points standings.

“It was ‘throwback’ week at Darlington,” Harvick said. “That doesn’t mean Bubba Wallace was tossing the football with fans during a rain delay. It does mean that throwback stock cars had crappy paint schemes.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took fifth in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

“My No. 2 Mustang honored Rusty Wallace’s 1996 paint scheme,” Keselowski said. “It looked so much like Rusty’s version, Ryan Newman tried to wreck me.”

6. Joey Logano: A cut tire forced an unscheduled pit stop midway through the race, and Logano limped home to a 14th-place finish at Darlington.

“We appreciate all the fans who outlasted the rain delay and stayed until the end,” Logano said. “To those who didn’t, well, we’re not going to lose any sleep over it.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 19th at Darlington, two laps down, his night hindered by damage suffered in a lap 260 multiple-car accident.

“My Hendrick teammate William Byron’s paint scheme was inspired by Cole Trickle’s car in the ‘Days Of Thunder’ movie,” Elliott said. “Personally, I would have much rather seen a paint scheme honoring the legendary Dick Trickle. That’s a paint scheme that would have been difficult to keep secret. In other words, it would have ‘leaked.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch started fourth at Darlington and finished seventh at Darlington.

“We’re headed to Indianapolis next,” Busch said. “There are some playoff spots on the line so I’m guessing you might see some drivers who don’t even win the race ‘kissing the bricks.’ If the actual win puts a driver in the Playoffs, you might see a ‘bricklayer.’”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson took the runner-up spot in the Bojangles’ Southern 500, earning his fifth-straight top-10 finish.

“Ryan Newman’s No. 6 car had the Oscar Mayer paint scheme,” Larson said. “The ‘Wienermobile’ even made an appearance. ‘Weinermobile’ is also what Ryan calls anything Kurt Busch is driving.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 13th at Darlington. He is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings and clinched a spot in the playoffs.

“Ty Dillon’s crew chief Matt Borland failed a recent drug test,” Blaney said. “He claimed it was the result of his consumption of diet coffee. Borland defended himself by saying, ‘Say it ain’t so, Joe.’”

September 2, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch fell a lap down early but recovered to post a fourth-place finish at Bristol.

“Unlike Denny Hamlin,” Busch said, “I would never apologize to a driver whom I passed for the victory. I don’t want anyone to ever say, ‘Kyle Busch puts the ‘ass’ in ‘compassion.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Bristol and overcame a number of impediments, including a loose wheel, contact with Jimmie Johnson, and falling a lap down at one point.

“That’s called ‘beating adversity,’” Hamlin said. “As we all know, adversity is not even close to being undefeated. In fact, it’s the only thing Kurt Busch has ever beaten in a fight.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 13th at Bristol, two laps down.

“Congratulations to Denny Hamlin,” Truex said. “But let’s face it, the night belongs to runner-up Matt DiBenedetto, who just recently lost his ride. Fans gave him a standing ovation. And while all those fans were standing, Matt was the one looking for a ‘seat.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano found himself in an early hole after an unscheduled pit stop left him three laps down. He battled his way back to the lead lap, but damage in a Lap 364 accident damaged the nose of his No. 22 Penske Mustang. He finished 16th and is second in the points standings, 39 behind Kyle Busch.

“It was an up and down night,” Logano said. “Not only for me but for many drivers. There were more ‘uppers’ and ‘downers’ than a sleepover at Tim Richmond’s house.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott took fifth at Bristol to post the best finish for a Chevrolet.

“I don’t think the No. 9 Hendrick Motorsports car was good enough to win,” Elliott said. “But I’m happy to give Chevy their best finish. It’s a small victory. I guess that’s the result when you ‘manufacture’ a win.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished last at Bristol.

“Nothing beats a victory burnout with your son in the car,” Harvick said. “I experienced that after winning at Michigan. Bristol was another story. After my performance at Bristol, my son Keelan called a ride-share, because he was ‘Uber-disappointed.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took third in the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race, recording his first top-five since a fifth at Chicagoland in late June.

“I think fans and drivers alike love night racing,” Keselowski said. “Ask anyone and they’ll tell you, ‘Night racing is way ‘cooler’ than day racing.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Bristol, posting his 13th top 10 of the season.

“I think Matt DiBenedetto’s performance will certainly get him another job,” Busch said. “But really, he probably would have won the race if stubborn old Ryan Newman had gotten out of his way. Thanks to Newman, DiBenedetto got ‘jobbed.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 10th, one lap down, at Bristol, posting his 11th top 10 of the season.

“I cut a tire and triggered an accident that collected several cars,” Blaney said. “Sparks were flying out of the rear end of my car. ‘Sparks’ and ‘rear end’ are never a good combination anywhere, especially at Martinsville after one of their hot dogs.”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 at Bristol and finished sixth.

“How about J.J. Yeley pulling Slayer as a sponsor for his car?” Larson said. “Apparently, some other sponsors didn’t want to be associated with the band. I guess these other sponsors must have a lot of influence, but I think they should mind their own business. It’s a case of ‘heavy meddle.‘”

August 19, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started third and finished 11th at Watkins Glen, despite tangling with both William Byron and Bubba Wallace.

“I hear Bubba went on a profanity-laced tirade about me,” Busch said. “He said the ‘A-word,’, the ‘S-word,’ and the ‘F-word.’ Oddly enough, though, no ‘W’s.’”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Watkins Glen, chasing Chase Elliott over the course of the closing laps.

“I’m not sure I could have even passed Elliott had I got close enough,” Truex said. “His car was too good, and he was too good. Let’s face it, the Chase was on.’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano struggled from the start at Watkins Glen and finished 23rd.

“My day sucked from the start,” Logano said. “So, with respect to the name of this race being called the ‘Go Bowling At The Glen,’ I will spare you the details. Plus, I’d like to strike this race from my memory. It’s really frustrating. But, of course, it could be worse. I could have three fingers and 16 pound balls.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Go Bowling At The Glen, one week after winning at Pocono.

“I feel like I’m in form to make a solid run at the Monster Energy Cup championship,” Hamlin said. “I’m on a great team and I have a great car, so what’s stopping me from completing the deal? Certainly not my sponsor, because at least Fed Ex knows how to ‘deliver the goods.’”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and won the Go Bowling At The Glen, earning his second consecutive win at Watkins Glen.

“I led all but 10 laps,” Elliott said, “and swept all three stages. It was great to get the win, but I have my sights set on the bigger prize. I could care less about a ‘bowl;’ my eyes are on the Cup.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home seventh at Watkins Glen, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

“My feet were the featured pair of the ‘Foot Cam’ at Watkins Glen,” Harvick said. “It’s the one time I’d rather not be known as ‘Mr. Clutch,’ because this ‘Foot Cam’ footage always seems to end up on some creepy internet foot fetish site.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th in the Go Bowling At The Glen, one spot ahead of younger brother Kyle.

“Kyle really pissed off some other drivers,” Busch said. “As you know, the Busch brothers love confrontation on the track, but not necessarily off the track. We’re talkers, not fighters. So, if someone dares us to meet them to settle a difference, we often go the opposite direction. It must be hereditary because it ‘runs’ in the family.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Watkins Glen, earning his 12th top 10 of the year.

“I got a great deal of satisfaction from seeing Bubba Wallace send Kyle Busch for a spin,” Keselowski said. “Everybody knows Kyle is an ‘ass.’ In fact, he is the king of asses. So, it makes perfect sense that Wallace retaliated, because Kyle was ‘ass-king’ for it.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Watkins Glen, scoring his third consecutive top-10 finish.

“I sent Jimmie Johnson into the tire barriers at the carousel turn,” Blaney said. “He’s none too happy about it and he’s vowed revenge. Jimmie has implied that I have a target on my back. Well, I replaced that sign with one that says ‘The Past.’ And I feel pretty safe, because Jimmie’s been chasing ‘the past’ for three years now, and still hasn’t caught it.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola overcame an early shifter problem to post a 12th-place finish in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“I was nearly up ‘Shift Creek,’” Almirola said, “but my pit crew remedied the situation. Now, if I was a Formula 1 driver and my shifter broke, I would be ‘up Shift Creek without a paddle.’”

August 5, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second in the Foxwoods Resort Casino 301 and finished eighth, despite a brush with the wall in the final stage.

“I’ve had lots of experience with walls,” Busch said. “So have people who tried to interview me when I was a young punk.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at New Hampshire and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by three over Kyle Busch.

“I was just happy to get through the race without suffering from heat exhaustion,” Logano said. “Who’s not at risk of suffering from ‘heat’ exhaustion? NASCAR fans, that’s who. There is not ‘heat,’ also known as ‘rivalries,’ between drivers. And don’t tell me Clint Bowyer vs. Ryan Newman is a feud. It’s not. Newman has a notoriously hard head, and he was wearing a helmet, so he still doesn’t believe that Bowyer actually punched him.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth in the Foxwoods Resorts Casino 301.

“It was the hottest race ever in New Hampshire,” Truex said. “And it sucked. Some of the younger drivers said it was ‘hot AF.’ I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m fairly sure it’s the exact opposite of ‘Cold AC.’”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick held off Denny Hamlin on the final turn to win at New Hampshire, his second consecutive win at the ‘Magic Mile’ and first victory since Texas in November.

“Finally!” Harvick said. “I’ve got a win. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. This freedom must feel like what mini-Kevin Harvick feels like when he strips down to his boxers and a T-shirt.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin wrecked in Friday practice and almost took the victory at New Hampshire in a backup car, finishing second to Kevin Harvick.

“Wrecks in practice are a sure-fire way to ruin a weekend,” Hamlin said. “Just ask my crew.

“But what about that weather? It was hot. It hovered around 100 degrees, and inside the car, it was even worse. I think Fed Ex should take advantage of this in a promotional sense and offer a new delivery package called the hot box’ for discreet deliveries.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 18th at New Hampshire.

“The Kevin Harvick-Denny Hamlin duel at the end had a lot in common with me and my brother Kyle’s battle at Kentucky,” Busch said. “The biggest similarity is that in both cases, the drivers involved really do not like each other.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished 10th.

“It’s good that Stewart-Haas Racing finally has a win,” Keselowski said. “With one word, Kevin Harvick silenced his critics and gave a shout out to one of his sponsors. He said, ‘Bu-schhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered from mechanical issues and finished 29th at New Hampshire.

“It was a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Elliot said. “We didn’t even have a car finish in the top 10. Plus we went through way too many cars. But I trust this organization’s resiliency. So, trust me when I say we’ll be ‘back up‘ next week.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney posted his sixth top five of the year with a fourth at New Hampshire.

“Some guy named Andy Suess made his Cup debut in the No. 51 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Larson said. “And no, he does not drive for ‘The Cat In The Hat’ Jack Roush.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at New Hampshire and is ninth in the points standings.

“What a drive by Kevin Harvick,” Almirola said. “He faced a huge amount of pressure from Denny Hamlin, yet Harvick remained calm and held him off. Considering the weather, Kevin picked the perfect day to have ‘ice water in his veins.’”

July 22, 2019