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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stages 1 and 2 and led 108 laps on his way to a dominant win in the Consumers Energy 400 at Michigan.

    “The No. 4 Ford was super-fast,” Harvick said. “And, with Busch Light beer sponsoring the car, it was a case of ‘drinking and driving’ that turned out well.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Michigan and finished third, his second consecutive third-place finish and 17th top five of the season.

    “I still have the lead in the Monster Energy Cup points standings,” Busch said. “So, if the question is who’s on top in the points, much as in the case of Brian France, you can charge me with ‘possession.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home 14th in the Consumers Energy 400.

    “I was so close to winning at Watkins Glen,” Truex said. “Then I come crashing back down to earth with a disappointing 14th at Michigan. Talk about a sobering experience.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Consumers Energy 400, posting his 14th top-10 result of the year.

    “Did you see Ty Dillon run over a chunk of debris on Lap 134?” Busch said. “And this was no small piece of debris. I’m surprised NASCAR officials missed it. Of course, they’ve been known to see debris that actually isn’t there. So, the fact that the didn’t see something that was clearly visible is no surprise. Apparently, much like Brian France, they were ‘blinded.’”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 12th at Michigan as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick claimed a dominant victory.

    “Kevin is driving like a champ,” Bowyer said. “It’s like he’s from another planet. Let me clarify: if the subject is a 2018 Monster Energy Cup championship celebration party for Kevin, you can go ahead and ‘planet.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Michigan as Kevin Harvick drove away for an easy victory.

    “Harvick’s son Keelan picked up the checkered flag,” Keselowski said. “Then he hitched a ride with his dad to Victory Lane. Of course, it’s not like Keelan could drive there himself. It just goes to show that even a six-year-old knows when to call a designated driver.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Michigan.

    “I pitted on the pace lap to replace a shock absorber,” Logano said. “And anytime you pit on the pace lap for a shock, you know it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson, always strong at Michigan, finished 17th in the Consumers Energy 400.

    “Kevin Harvick totally dominated this race,” Larson said. “He won every stage of the race handily. For fans of the sport, it was incredibly boring. It was so boring, it could drive a man to drink. And in some case, the drinking comes before the driving.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Michigan and finished eighth.

    “The Playoff field of 16 will be set in a few weeks,” Hamlin said. “And just seconds after that, we’ll be able to identify the 13 drivers that have zero chance of winning the Cup. There’s the ‘Big 3,’ and then there’s the ‘Little 13.’”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott started 21st and finished ninth at Michigan.

    “I’m still on a high from the events of last week at Watkins Glen,” Elliott said. “Just to be clear, that’s not a quote from Brian France.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Watkins Glen and led 31 laps before a fuel probe malfunction in the pits, necessitating an extra pit stop. Despite the issue, Busch recovered to post a third-place finish.

    “We just didn’t get enough fuel in the tank,” Busch said. “In other words, I had a ‘halfsie.’”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stalked race leader Chase Elliott over the final laps at Watkins Glen, but was unable to make the pass. He eventually ran out of fuel and coasted home to a second-place finish.

    “Elliott drove his butt off,” Truex said. “He hit all his marks, didn’t make a mistake, and was technically perfect. When I got behind him, I said ‘The chase is on,’ and boy was I right.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 10th in the GoBowling 400 at Watkins Glen, scoring his 18th top 10 of the year.

    “I was not a factor in the race,” Harvick said. “In fact, I was barely seen, which means I played the role of ‘Tiny Kevin Harvick’ and it wasn’t a commercial.

    “NBC had a camera on my feet. If nothing else, it made former NFL coach Rex Ryan a viewer.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 13th top 10 of the year.

    “NASCAR CEO Brian France was arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance,” Busch said. “I’m pretty sure this will result in a revoked license. In other words, he’ll face a ‘drive-through‘ penalty.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th in the GoBowling 400 at Watkins Glen.

    “Chase Elliott and Martin Truex Jr. put on quite a show over those last few laps,” Bowyer said. “You could feel the suspense, and with the race being sponsored by GoBowling.com, fans were on ‘pins and needles.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished last after an oil cooler malfunction sent him through the sand on lap 2.

    “NASCAR put my car on what is known as the ‘damaged vehicle policy,” Logano said. “The last time someone pulled the ol’ ‘damaged vehicle policy’ on me, it was Matt Kenseth.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth at Watkins Glen, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year.

    “What a drive by Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “He’s the son of Bill Elliott, also known as ‘Awesome Bill From Dawsonville.’ Chase’s win gave Hendrick Motorsports its 250th win, but more importantly, it puts him in the Chase For The Cup. Plus, he may have secured the title of ‘Most Popular Driver.’ An appropriate nickname is ‘Awesome Chase In An Awesome Place.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Watkins Glen and finished 13th.

    “All that work for the pole,” Hamlin said, “and I only led two laps. In the words of former JGR great Tony Stewart on his way out of the bathroom, ‘So much for clean air.’”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott held off Martin Truex Jr. in the closing laps at Watkins Glen and won his first career Monster Energy Cup race, giving Hendrick Motorsports its 250th win in the process.

    “My car ran out of gas on the cool-down lap,” Elliott said. “Luckily, a man I’ve always looked up to, Jimmie Johnson, gave me a push. So, much like Brian France, who took a ride in a police cruiser, it was left to an ‘authority figure’ to get me where I was going.

    “My 62-year-old father will run the Xfinity race at Road America later this month. He’ll be driving for GMS Racing, and they’ve pledged to outfit his ride with a brand new exhaust system. Because if there’s ever a time for new exhaust, it’s for an ‘old fart.’”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 17th at Watkins Glen.

    “Brian France disgraced himself by getting arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance,” Keselowski said. “France was taken to the slammer is shackles. That’s embarrassing. But let’s make it even more embarrassing and call those shackles the ‘HANDS Device.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch pulled away on a restart with three laps to go and cruised to the win in the Gander Outdoors 400.

    “I tied Tony Stewart with my 49th Cup win,” Busch said. “One more win and I can finally say, ‘Well, passing him in the buffet line is out of the question, but at least I passed Tony in the standings.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth in the Gander Outdoors 400.

    “I won the pole,” Harvick said, “but it was nullified when my car failed post-race inspection. If this were the National Basketball Association, I would have been issued a ‘technical’ foul. In other words, I got ‘T’d’ up. And that makes me ‘T’d’ off.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 15th at Pocono.

    “Pocono is a tough track for drivers to figure out,” Truex said. “The ‘Tricky Triangle,’ as they call it, is quite a dilemma for most drivers. NASCAR itself has its own ‘Tricky Triangle’ dilemma—–finding any other driver besides me, Kevin Harvick, or Kyle Busch to win a race.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home 11th in the Gander Outdoors 400.

    “Brian France recently reaffirmed his family’s commitment to NASCAR,” Bowyer said. “I’m not sure I buy it. France can say one thing and mean another. Of course, it’s no surprise that from someone with a double chin comes double speak.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished a disappointing 26th at Pocono.

    “This was Jimmie Johnson’s 600th Cup start,” Logano said. “That certainly deserves recognition. So let’s give it up for Jimmie. He’s got seven Cup championship trophies to his name. I think the only trophy he’s capable of garnering these days is a participation trophy.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 23rd at Pocono and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “This race was called the ‘Gander Outdoors 400,’” Larson said. “Judging by what I saw in the stands, attendance was sparse. But NASCAR’s bigger issue is television ratings. So, I guess the biggest problem is not the ‘Gander Outdoors,’ but instead fans neglecting to take a ‘Gander Indoors.’”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 10th at Pocono, posting his 11th top 10 of the season.

    “I was really pulling for my teammate Daniel Suarez to pull out the win and qualify for the postseason,” Hamlin said. “As you probably know, Daniel is a native of Mexico. Daniel’s a big part of NASCAR’s ‘Driver For Diversity’ program. And, along with Bubba Wallace, the program seems to be working. Before, however, I wasn’t so sure. Instead of ‘diversity,’ it seems to be more a case of ‘re-versity.’”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 14 laps and finished seventh at Pocono, recording his 10th top-10 result of the season.

    “I’m still looking for my first win,” Elliott said. “I’ve been close on several occasions, but there’s always something that gets in the way. So, before it happens, I have to overcome the issues that arise when s#it happens.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski spun and hit the wall on lap 121, ending his day at Pocono. He finished 38th.

    “I thought I hit the wall hard,” Keselowski said, “until I saw Bubba Wallace hit the wall with six laps to go. Thank goodness for the SAFER barrier. It’s always good to see a driver walk away from an accident. And, in some cases, like Carl Edwards at Talladega in 2009, it’s pretty cool to see a driver run away from an accident.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Pocono as younger brother Kyle took the win.

    “Great run by Kyle,” Busch said, “but what about the effort of some of these youngsters, like Daniel Suarez and Chase Elliott? Those guys have skills. You might even say each of them is a ‘Baby Driver.’ When I was that young, most drivers questioned my talents. Some even called me a ‘Maybe Driver.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick bumped Kyle Busch out of the lead with six laps to go to win the New Hampshire 301.

    “I had to get Kyle out of the way,” Harvick said. “That’s called making a ‘move.’

    “Now, of course, I expect Kyle to retaliate at some point. This is NASCAR. The name of the game is ‘tit for tat,’ which is also the name of the game for the chests of some of our finest female race fans.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at New Hampshire after getting bumped out of the lead with six laps to go.

    “Harvick blatantly moved me out of the way,” Busch said. “And he can ‘kiss my ass,’ which, come to think of it, is exactly what he did when he put his front end on my back end.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 and led 83 laps at New Hampshire on his way to a fourth-place finish.

    “5-Hour Energy won’t be renewing its sponsorship for next season,” Truex said. “Not to worry, though. We’re in talks with a similar brand geared toward developing adolescents, called ‘Booster Shot.’”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole and finished eighth in the New Hampshire 301.

    “My brother Kyle called me a ‘dipshit’ during the race,” Busch said. “I’ve made it a point in my life not to listen to anything Kyle says. That was made easier when I had my ears surgically reduced in 2006.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano came home ninth at New Hampshire.

    “This was New Hampshire’s only race of the season,” Logano said. “They lost their fall date to Las Vegas. I can certainly sympathize. My early love life is peppered with ‘first and only’ dates.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Clint Bowyer finished 35th at New Hampshire, suffering his worst finish of the season.

    “Loverboy played a pre-race concert,” Bowyer said. “Country music is more my thing, so I enjoyed the Loverboy set only slightly. You could say I was ‘lovin’ just a minute of it.’”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson took 12th in the New Hampshire 301 and is now eighth in the points standings, 258 out of first.

    “Speaking of Loverboy,” Larson said, “they were rocking. They were on fire. And being that they hail from our neighbors to the North, that makes them ‘Canadian Bakin.””

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled and finished 32nd at New Hampshire.

    “I was pretty much out of it early,” Keselowski said. “But I thoroughly enjoyed the Kevin Harvick-Kyle Busch battle. It must be satisfying for Harvick to be trailing and then have the ability to move Busch out of the way. Kevin really ‘took it from behind.’ Maybe that headline is not the most suitable for newspaper publication, so let’s go with this one: ‘Harvick Humps, Bumps, And Trumps Busch.’ Much better.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at New Hampshire and is now ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Tony Stewart wants Cup cars to race on the dirt track at Eldora,” Hamlin said. “I think a lot of drivers would like that too, but to say it will definitely happen would be negligent. So, in the words of Kyle Busch pleading in response to careless and reckless driving charges in North Carolina in 2011, it’s ‘no contest.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola was leading late at New Hampshire until a slow pit stop and bad restart cost him track position. He recovered to finish third but was left wanting more.

    “We blew it,” Almirola said. “We had the best car out there. Everything about the engine was working perfectly, especially the ‘choke.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 33rd in the Coke Zero Sugar 400 after crashing out in an early wreck caused by Ricky Stenhouse Jr.

    “The No. 18 Interstate Battery Toyota was capable of winning,” Busch said. “That is, until Stenhouse took me out. Revenge is forthcoming. But not from me. I don’t have time to mess with him, so I’m gonna have my hauler driver take his out on the way from Daytona to Kentucky. That’s ‘interstate battery.’”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Daytona, losing the win after Erik Jones passed him on the last lap.

    “Erik got a kiss from his girlfriend in Victory Lane for winning the Coke Zero Sugar 400,” Truex said. “I, on the other hand, didn’t get a kiss from anyone. In other words, I got ‘zero sugar.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s day ended with two laps remaining in regulation when he was collected in a crash involving several cars.

    “One second you’re racing for the win,” Harvick said. “The next, you’re climbing out of your wrecked car. Next, you’re walking down the track toward the ambulance with Clint Bowyer discussing the scratches and scrapes you just suffered. As it is in nearly all instances, Clint’s remedy is to ‘put a little alcohol on it.’”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer was contending up front with two laps remaining in regulation when he was turned by Bubba Wallace and sent into the wall. Bowyer finished 22nd.

    “Even when he’s not in the car,” Bowyer said, “Dale Earnhardt Jr. is a factor. He was the only ‘Junior’ who didn’t cause an accident at Daytona.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 39th in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “A couple of early wrecks wiped out many of the biggest names in NASCAR,” Logano said. “Most of those accidents were the result of the actions of Ricky Stenhouse Jr. I can totally see why Danica Patrick dumped Ricky Stenhouse Jr. Although he was the ‘Big One,’ he was not ‘the One.’”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 29 at Daytona after spinning on Lap 123 and collecting Ricky Stenhouse Jr.

    “I won Friday’s Xfinity Series race,” Larson said. “That was thanks to NASCAR saying Justin Haley’s pass for the lead was illegal because two of his tires were below the yellow line. Is that line really yellow, because I could have sworn I saw a ‘silver lining?’

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski fell victim to one of several wrecks at Daytona and finished 36th.

    “I wrecked because William Byron blocked me,” Keselowski said. “I lifted and got hit from behind. I guess the lesson is this: ‘Don’t check up, otherwise you’ll be headed for the infield care center for a ‘check-up.’ Another lesson: keep your foot on the pedal. That way it’s less likely to want to end up in someone’s behind.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished a disappointing 38th at Daytona

    “What a great drive by Erik Jones,” Hamlin said. “He picked up his first Monster Energy Cup win by outdueling the defending champion. Wow! Who would have thought Erik would get his first win at Daytona? And who would have thought his first win would come before his first tan?”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 37th at Daytona after crashing out in a Lap 53 accident that also wiped out Denny Hamlin, Joey Logano, Brad Keselowski, and Ryan Blaney.

    “That’s a veritable who’s who of drivers who have never won a Cup championship,” Busch said.

    “I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ricky Stenhouse Jr. played a part in that accident. Stenhouse won the first two stages. Obviously, his car was awesome. Then he just started causing accidents. In both cases, you could say he was a one-man wrecking crew.”

    10. Erik Jones: Jones made a last-lap pass of Martin Truex Jr. and held on to win the Coke Zero Sugar 400, earning his first Monster Energy Cup win.

    “I’m proud to drive the No. 20 car that Tony Stewart made famous,” Jones said. “I’ve always admired Tony. He’s a giant in this sport, literally and figuratively. In fact, I was thinking about Tony when I crossed the finish line, knowing I had clinched a spot in the Chase and proved my value to Joe Gibbs. It was a case of ‘girth,’ ‘berth,’ and ‘worth.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch outdueled Kyle Larson for the win at Chicagoland, posting his fifth win this season and 48th of his career.

    “That was a wild final lap,” Busch said. “And the fans had the audacity to boo me, so I ‘shhhh’ed’ them. ‘Boo’ plus ‘shhh’ equals ‘Busch’ basically.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took fourth in the Overton’s 400 at Chicagoland, recording his 11th top-five of the season.

    “Contrary to last week at Sonoma,” Truex said, “the race at Chicagoland is decided on the track, and not in the pits. Kyle Busch won by spinning Kyle Larson; I won at Sonoma by tricking Kevin Harvick. I think it’s clear that NASCAR fans prefer the ‘take out’ to the ‘fake out.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 39 laps and finished third at Chicagoland.

    “I could have snuck in for the win if Kyle Busch and Kyle Larson had wrecked each other,” Harvick said. “Had they done so, I would have been there to pick up the pieces, and inevitably, NASCAR would have called a debris caution.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Chicagoland for his 13th top-10 result of the season.

    “Some people are calling Sunday’s race the best one of the year,” Logano said. “And some are calling the final lap the ‘Lap Of The Century.’ That means Kyle Busch was part of the ‘Lap Of The Century’ with Kyle Larson, and Kurt Busch was a part of the ‘Slap Of The Century’ with Jimmy Spencer.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth at Chicagoland, scoring his sixth top-five finish of the year.

    “We had some pit road penalties that really cost us,” Bowyer said. “I got caught speeding on pit road, then got caught speeding while serving the penalty, and next, I ran right through a stop-and-go penalty. And finally, I drove our chances of winning straight into the ground.”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson charged to the front late and battled Kyle Busch in a memorable last lap at Chicagoland. After much contact, Busch gave Larson a final bump, spinning Larson and propelling Busch to the win.

    “The No. 18 car got the best of me today,” Larson said. “Busch put the nose of the Skittles car on my back bumper and said ‘Taste the rainbow.’ In the business, I think that’s called getting ‘candy-assed.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the Overton’s 400.

    “That was a heck of a battle between Kyle Busch and Kyle Larson for the win,” Keselowski said. “First Larson put Busch into the wall, then Busch returned the favor. When one Kyle does that to another Kyle, it’s called an ‘I for an I.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Chicagoland and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “That was Kyle’s 48th career Cup win,” Hamlin said. “That puts him one behind Tony Stewart. Kyle really wants to get ahead of Tony. Mostly so he can say, ‘Look! Tony Stewart’s behind!’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home 18th at Chicagoland and is now 10th in the points standings, 241 out of first.

    “What a treat for fans of NASCAR,” Blaney said. “Dale Earnhardt Jr. in the booth, and a thrilling finish on the track. Now, the term ‘slide job’ is a new part of NASCAR vernacular. Note to the people of Junior Nation: ‘vernacular’ is not an STD, and for a ‘slide job’ to take place, no money needs to change hands.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 17th at Chicagoland as younger brother Kyle took the win in dramatic fashion.

    “I expressed frustration with Kevin Harvick racing me so hard on the final lap of Stage 2,” Busch said. “When I confronted Harvick about it, he referenced my brother Kyle’s mocking of booing fans with a ‘crying’ gesture and replied, ‘What he said.’ So, in the end, I guess Harvick ‘had a point,’ for winning the stage.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 62 laps and used some clever pit strategy to secure the win in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Sonoma.

    “I’ve got to hand it to crew chief Cole Pearn,” Truex said. “He suckered Kevin Harvick into pitting early. It was pure trickery and it helped us secure the win. You don’t see tricks turned like that in NASCAR, except in the Daytona infield.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, posting his 11th top-five result of the year. He leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 72 over Kevin Harvick.

    “How about Martin Truex Jr.’s pit strategy?” Busch said. “Kevin Harvick’s team fell for it big time. It kind of reminded me of the Mars company’s lollipop-production strategy, because there’s ‘a sucker born every minute.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started sixth and finished second at Sonoma, bested by Martin Truex Jr., who feigned a late pit stop which made Harvick pit earlier than expected.

    “We fell for it,” Harvick said. “Cole Pearn threw out the bait, and we bit, and that bites.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished 19th at Sonoma and is now third in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 112 out of first.

    “We really didn’t have a car fast enough to win,” Logano said. “So my day at Sonoma was basically a nice, leisurely drive through wine country. Not to be confused with ‘whine‘ country; that’s where my dad lives.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took third at Sonoma as Stewart Haas Racing cars placed four cars in the top 8. Bowyer is sixth in the points standings, 152 behind Kyle Busch.

    “Martin Truex Jr. celebrated his win with a glass of wine in Victory Lane,” Bowyer said. “Personally, I think that’s bad optics for a NASCAR driver. It’s one thing to drink wine but from a wine glass? If it was me, I would have sent a crew member on a ‘Chase For The Cup’ from which to drink wine.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 13th at Sonoma on a tough day for Penske Racing.

    “That was the last Fox NASCAR broadcast of the season,” Keselowski said. “Now, NBC takes over. Hopefully, NBC can do something to make the product more entertaining. Seriously, NASCAR needs a real jump in viewership. And trust me, I’m an expert in ‘jumps in viewership.’ Back in 2014, ratings exploded when I was ‘jumped’ between two haulers by Matt Kenseth.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch started 23rd and worked his way through Sonoma’s twists and turns to score a sixth-place finish.

    “Far be it from me to criticize Kevin Harvick’s team for being fooled,” Busch said. “After all, I’m the guy who thought he was dating an assassin.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Sonoma and finished 14th.

    “Martin Truex Jr.’s crew chief Cole Pearn deserves all the credit for the win,” Larson said. “His pit stop bluff was arguably the most brilliant overtaking maneuver in NASCAR history. Had that been at the poker tables, Pearn would have forced Kevin Harvick’s team to fold and watch a sure victory go down the drain. I’m not sure what cards they were holding, but I’m guessing it was a ‘flush.’”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth at Sonoma.

    “Despite Kevin Harvick getting duped out of the victory,” Almirola said, “it was still a successful race for Stewart-Haas Racing. SHR cars finished second, third, sixth, and eighth. And we all celebrated by jumping off a bridge, mostly because Cole Pearn told us Martin Truex Jr. was gonna do it first.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 10th at Sonoma, recording his ninth top 10 of the year.

    “There were only two cautions on the day,” Hamlin said, “and those were just for the end of the stages. I know one person who wanted one more caution, and that’s Kevin Harvick. That would have tightened up the gap between Harvick and Martin Truex Jr. So, I’m surprised NASCAR, like they have done so often in the past, didn’t just invent some debris on the track. Even if there wasn’t debris on the track, they could have convinced everyone there was. I’m almost positive Rodney Childers would have bought it.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Michigan as the lone Toyota among seven Fords in the top 8.

    “What do you call one Toyota amongst so many Fords?” Busch said. “‘Asian Fusion.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second to Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Clint Bowyer in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Firekeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.

    “If I’m going to lose to anyone,” Harvick said, “I’m happy it’s Clint. But let’s be serious, he was very fortunate, opting for a two-tire pit stop and then having the rain come at a perfect time. So I have to ask him this: ‘Did you just punk me, lucky Clint?’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh in the Firekeepers Casino 400, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year.

    “Firekeepers Casino is a great destination for betting,” Logano said. “You could play it safe and put money on Kevin Harvick or Kyle Busch. But if you’re looking for a ‘long shot,’ check with Kurt Busch, because he claims he’s dated a sniper. And he has great odds for the money.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer gambled with a two-tire pit stop and beat Kevin Harvick on a restart, then took the win when rain cut short the Firestarters Casino 400.

    “I got the jump on Harvick on that final restart,” Bowyer said. “For the second time on Sunday, it was like someone was shot out of a cannon.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 18th at Michigan.

    “Rain delayed the start of the race,” Truex said, “and rain shortened the race. As far as I, the 2018 Monster Energy Cup champion, is concerned, it’s ‘reigning‘ all the time.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan.

    “The checkered flag flew early on Sunday,” Keselowski said. “Now, I could be referring to our race, or the Canadian Grand Prix, where supermodel Winnie Harlow flew the checkered flag two laps early. She should be embarrassed. Harlow’s next trip down the runway should be on the cat-walk of shame.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Michigan and finished third, as Stewart-Haas Racing finished 1-2-3.

    “That’s right,” Busch said. “My SHR teammates Clint Bowyer and Kevin Harvick finished first and second. Team owner Tony Stewart is thrilled. The last time Tony and I were involved in a ‘1-2-3,’ it was after he punched me in the NASCAR hauler.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson, seeking his fourth-straight win at Michigan, struggled to a 28th-place finish at Michigan.

    “I was slowed by a spin in the grass on Lap 85,” Larson said. “That left a huge divot. And, to make another golf reference, the rain made sure that no one had a ‘green in regulation.’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1 at Michigan and finished with an eighth-place finish.

    “Michigan may have had the best pre-race show in NASCAR history,” Blaney said. “Mostly because a daredevil was shot out of a cannon into a net. That’s excitement. And speaking of ‘excitement,’ the original ‘human cannonball’ in NASCAR was ‘Mr. Excitement’ himself, Jimmie Spencer, who once emptied the water when he once plopped into a swimming pool.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Michigan and is now eighth in the points standings, 196 out of first.

    “We have a week off,” Hamlin said, “then it’s off to Sonoma, in California wine country, for a road course race. I’m not sure traditional NASCAR fans enjoy road races. They prefer the combination of alcohol and twists and turns to comprise their drunken drive home from an oval race.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch took third at Pocono and remained atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Martin Truex Jr. interjected him into the Cup favorite conversation,” Busch said. “And I think a lot of people are pulling for him over me and Kevin Harvick. Kevin and I are not fan favorites; Martin is. But that’s not the full story. Martin can be ruthless and cold-blooded. Don’t let that smile fool you. While Harvick and I are the bad guys, Truex’s act is a ‘good guise.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 89 laps and finished fourth at Pocono, posting his 10th top 5 of the season.

    “I’ve gone two races without a win,” Harvick said. “That’s two too many, and also too, too many. I know it sounds like I’m too’ting my own horn. But I’m not. That’s DeLana’s Twitter job.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex pulled away on a restart with seven laps to go and held off Kyle Larson to win the Pocono 400.

    “I just wanted to send a message to Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “That message is this: I am a big dog, and I plan on staying on the porch. Also, they should get used to their ‘noses’ in my ‘rear end.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Pocono, recording his eleventh top 10 of the year.

    “It was an uneventful day for the most part at Pocono,” Logano said. “And therein lies the problem with attendance at NASCAR: races are so boring, fans are ‘un-eventing‘ them.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took fifth at Pocono, recording his fourth top-five result of the season.

    “Dr. Henry Bock passed away recently,” Keselowski said. “He played a huge role in the creation of the SAFER barrier. I’m sure Dr. Bock will be in heaven, and when it’s my time, I, like many who have been protected by the SAFER barrier, hope to ‘run into him’ up there.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch started sixth and finished 19th at Pocono.

    “How about the GM executive who wrecked the pace car at the Detroit Grand Prix?” Busch said. “The crash left a field of debris, leading some to say he needed to ‘pick up the pace.’ But let’s give the man a break. He’s a big-time company big shot, not a race car driver. And I’m sure to be an executive in such a position, it takes a certain amount of ‘drive.’ He just didn’t have it in Detroit.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led his first laps of the season at Pocono and came home eighth at Long Pond’s tri-oval.

    “That’s right,” Johnson said, “I led two laps. That’s two more than the pace car at the Detroit Grand Prix.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Pocono as his quest to chase down Martin Truex Jr. in the closing laps failed. Larson is ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 199 behind Kyle Busch.

    “Truex just had too much car,” Larson said. “But I should have executed better on that final restart. But I can forgive myself because I have the absolute right to pardon myself.”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole at Pocono and raced to a sixth-place finish.

    “As pole-sitter,” Blaney said, “let me be the first to commend the pace car driver for a job well done. Like he was supposed to, he led the field to green, as opposed to leading the field to yellow, which was the case at the Indy Car Detroit Grand Prix. I guess it could have been worse. The last time an ‘Indy-ana pacer’ lost control in Detroit, you had the ‘Malice In The Palace.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 20th at Pocono and now sits sixth in the points standings, 171 out of first.

    “I’ve never been involved in a race in which the pace car wrecked,” Bowyer said. “I have, however, been involved in a race in which there was a mysterious spin.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Charlotte and led 377 of 400 laps on his way to the win in the Coca-Cola 600. With the victory, Busch became the first driver to win a points race at every track on the NASCAR schedule.

    “We haven’t seen this level of domination in this sport,” Busch said, “since Kevin Harvick’s last win.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick smashed the wall on lap 83 at Charlotte and finished 40th.

    “Walls are unforgiving,” Harvick said, “and so is the inspection line. I failed pre-qualifying inspection three times. But that’s okay. We’ll be fine. You know, there’s a saying in NASCAR that I like to live by: ‘Fail inspection, live to cheat another day.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Charlotte, posting his eighth top five of the year.

    “I visited the White House last week to celebrate my 2017 championship,” Truex said. “President Donald Trump was so impressed by my accomplishments, he offered me a cabinet position as Secretary of Transportation. I was grateful for the offer, but I had to turn it down because I think I’m overqualified.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started second and finished 22nd at Charlotte. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 67 behind Kyle Busch.

    “Kyle was out of this world,” Logano said. “He led a whopping 377 of 400 laps. It’s probably the only example of great leadership Kyle’s displayed in his career.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led two laps and finished fourth in the Coca-Cola 600.

    “The way it looks now,” Keselowski said, “the battle for the Monster Energy Cup championship will be a two-man battle between Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick. Personally, I’m not ready to concede that. In the words of the great Tom Richmond, ‘I’d like to make it a threesome.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Charlotte and posted the best finish among Stewart-Haas Racing drivers.

    “Tony Stewart was spotted at the Monaco Grand Prix,” Busch said. “Everybody knows Tony can be very ornery on occasion. I imagine if he would have driven in Formula 1, he would have been known as the ‘Grand Prick’ of Grand Prix racing.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin came home third at Charlotte as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch claimed a dominant victory.

    “On the greatest day of racing of the year,” Hamlin said, “Kyle was incredible. Australians Daniel Ricciardo and Will Power won at Monaco and Indianapolis, while Kyle put 39 other drivers ‘down under’ his name in the race results.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson survived a Stage 3 spin and drove to a seventh-place finish at Charlotte.

    “Kyle Busch totally dominated that race,” Larson said. “He led almost every lap. Heck, instead of the ‘Coca-Cola 600,’ they could have named in the ‘Kyle Busch 600.’ Or better yet, the ‘Monotony 600.’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney’s engine blew with 22 laps to go in Stage 3, sending his No. 12 car ablaze. He finished 36th.

    “I wasn’t the only driver ‘on fire’ at Charlotte,” Blaney said. “Kyle Busch dominated qualifying and the race. Funny thing is, the only ones that got burned were fans who came to see an exciting race.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 12th at Charlotte and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “As you know,” Bowyer said, “Tony Stewart was in Monaco for the Formula 1 race. There was a time when Tony entertained the idea of racing in Formula 1, but he quickly decided against when he got stuck in the cockpit.”