Testing SpeedwayMedia.com

Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Kansas and passed Martin Truex Jr. with a lap to go to take the KC Masterpiece 400, his fifth win of the year.

    “I narrowly missed being collected in the lap 253 crash,” Harvick said. “Combine that good fortune with the elation of my fifth win, and my nickname becomes ‘Happy-Go-Lucky.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 10th at Kansas, posting his ninth top 10 of the season.

    “I thought my three wins this year were impressive,” Busch said. “But Kevin Harvick’s five victories puts mine to shame. And then he has the audacity to troll me with ‘Busch’ sponsorship on his car.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the KC Masterpiece 400 at Kansas, recording his fifth top-five result of the year.

    “Matt Kenseth is back,” Logano said. “Luckily for me, he wasn’t back with a vengeance. But let’s face it, Matt’s not the most intimidating driver. He doesn’t scare anyone unless it’s me on the track at Martinsville or Brad Keselowski between the haulers at Charlotte.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Kansas as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick scored his fifth win of the season. Busch is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 110 out of first.

    “Harvick has been dominant on 1.5-mile tracks,” Busch said. “He’s a master of the 1-½ mile oval. He’s driving circles around everyone, including the tracks.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 15th at Kansas and is now sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 117 out of first.

    “It’s amazing what Kevin Harvick is doing this year,” Bowyer said. “He’s obviously the clear favorite to win the Monster Energy Cup championship. Sixteen drivers qualify for the postseason; 15 of those will be in the ‘Chase.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th at Kansas.

    “Personally,” Keselowski said, “I couldn’t care less if the France family sells NASCAR. We all know Brian France can be bought; I’m sure he can be sold, as well.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Kansas, leading a race-high 101 laps on the way to his fourth top five of the season.

    “We overcame our share of adversity,” Larson said. “First, I had to start near the back of the field, then I made contact with Ryan Blaney late in the race. But those are nothing compared to the toughest adversity we face each week, and that’s post-race inspection.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney held off Kevin Harvick to win the first stage at Kansas, but made contact with Kyle Larson with 20 laps to go and suffered a blown right front tire. He finished 37th.

    “I was just a little too aggressive,” Blaney said. “I was trying to side draft Larson and I just got sucked into him. Larson would certainly agree with my assessment, especially the ‘sucked’ part.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fifth in the KC Masterpiece 400, posting his fifth top five of the year.

    “Did you see Alex Bowman blow a tire with 30 laps to go?” Hamlin said. “We haven’t seen sparks fly like that since Ricky Stenhouse Jr. and Danica Patrick met.”

    10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Truex gambled on a late caution, staying out while most of the leaders pitted for tires, and nearly held off Kevin Harvick for the win at Kansas. But Truex succumbed to Harvick on the final lap and the driver of the No. 78 Toyota settled for second.

    “I think night races appeal to everyone,” Truex said. “Newer fans like it because of the spectacle, and most of the traditional fans like it because it’s the closest thing to ‘moonshine’ this sport gets anymore.”

    10. (tie)Jimmie Johnson: Johnson struggled to a 19th-place finish at Kansas, his first result outside the top 12 since April 8th at Texas.

    “I had one teammate’s car sending out a shower of sparks,” Johnson said, “and another ended up in flames. Since I’ve stopped winning Cup championships, the only glory Hendrick Motorsports sees now comes in blazes.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second and dominated at Dover, taking both stage wins and cruising to the victory in the AAA 400, his fourth win of the year.

    “I felt invincible out there,” Harvick said. “That’s in stark contrast to the fans at Dover, who were invisible out there.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch blew the engine of the No. 18 Pedigree Toyota with 130 laps to go at Dover, and suffered his worst finish of the season, a 35th.

    “I knew the car wasn’t running right,” Busch said. “The, all of a sudden, ‘Kaboom!’ Or more like, ‘Ky-boom!’

    “I left the drive shaft laying on the track, and I was done. So I said ‘Piece out.’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished 13th at Dover and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 22 behind Kyle Busch.

    “The France family is exploring the possibility of selling NASCAR,” Logano said. “It’s a tough sell. Viewership is down, fans aren’t buying tickets, and sponsors are leaving in droves. That’s why the France’s have offered an affordable price that comes with ‘no interest.’”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished second in the AAA 400, as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick took the win handily.

    “I was leading the race when the rains came with 80 laps to go,” Bowyer said. “It was a short rain, and therefore a short reign.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 108 laps and finished sixth at Dover, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

    “Kevin Harvick looked great out there,” Keselowski said. “Heck, he even looked great in his driver’s suit. You could say he won in ‘convincing fashion.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth at Dover on a strong day for Stewart-Haas Racing, as Kevin Harvick won and Clint Bowyer took second. Busch is sixth in the points standings, 108 out of first.

    “SHR is dominating,” Busch said. “And Tony Stewart is loving it. The team, and Harvick in particular, have delivered this year. That’s what Tony demands. He refuses to settle for anything other than the best, and the occasional lawsuit.”

    7. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at Dover, while his three Stewart Haas Racing teammates placed in the top five, with Kevin Harvick winning.

    “It was a blast celebrating in Victory Lane with the team,” Almirola said. “To signify Harvick’s fourth win this season, we held up four fingers. As fingers go, I guess I’m the fourth one on this team. The other three fingers are the middle ones of Harvick, Clint Bowyer, and Kurt Busch.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Dover, and is now seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 120 out of first.

    “A JP Motorsports crew member broke the jaw of one of the team’s co-owners,” Blaney said. “I know sponsors are hesitant about investing in NASCAR now, but it seems to be the perfect time for a certain large hard candy to advertise.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Dover and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Kyle Busch had some troubles,” Hamlin said, “but Daniel Suarez finished third, tying his career-best finish on an oval. Daniel is from Mexico and may be the key to bringing a new segment of fans to the sport. The marketing possibilities are endless, and the likelihood of a fanatic fan base looms. Can you imagine a famous Mexican beer coupled with a legion of adoring fans? It’s not the ‘Nation Of Earnhardt’ It would be the ‘Corona-tion Of Suarez.’”

    10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a flat tire during Stage 1, but charged back to post a fourth-place finish at Dover.

    “Xfinity Series driver Spencer Gallagher failed a drug test,” Truex said. “He was suspended indefinitely, but showed up for Xfinity testing at Charlotte anyway; he was told to leave. So, he went from ‘testing positive’ to ‘testing negative.’”

    10. (tie) Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth at Dover, scoring his third top-10 finish in the last four races.

    “I’m still looking for my first win this season,” Johnson said. “It seems to be hard to find. I guess it’s a matter of finding championship form or continuing to rely on my ‘championship former.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch, seeking his fourth consecutive victory, finished 13th in the Geico 500 at Talladega, and remained atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I’ll have to ask my brother Kurt a question,” Busch said. “How do you not win at Talladega when you’re running second with a teammate right behind you? Come on. In that situation, you’ve got to partner up and make the pass for the win. Heck. I’ve seen better teamwork at Red Bull Racing in Formula 1.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Talladega and finished fourth at Talladega.

    “I couldn’t quite make it to the front,” Harvick said. “At Talladega, it’s all about the draft. Of course, having a flannel paint scheme can’t be conducive to aerodynamics.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano snapped a 36-race winless streak with the win at Talladega, leading the final 40 laps while holding off Kevin Harvick and Kurt Busch.

    “I finally got the monkey off my back,” Logano said. “So, I guess you could call this an unencumbered win.

    “Matt Kenseth is returning to NASCAR in 2018. Of course, he’s still finalizing details of his contract with Roush Fenway Racing. That really concerned me, because the last time Matt said he had some ‘unfinished business,’ it meant big trouble for me.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer was collected in the second of two big crashes late at Talladega and finished 31st.

    “It really sucks to have your day ended through no fault of your own,” Bowyer said. “And it makes me mad. I can certainly relate to what Indy Car driver James Hinchcliffe recently discussed because I know what it’s like to be ‘pissed in a race car.’”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 1 at Talladega, but was collected in a late pile-up triggered by contact between Hendrick Motorsports teammates Jimmie Johnson and William Byron. Keselowski finished 33rd.

    “Had we stayed in the race,” Keselowski said, “we could have done some damage. Unfortunately, the damage was done to me.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started 23rd and finished 18th at Talladega, and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Attendance at Talladega was great,” Blaney said. “No matter where you view the race, there’s not a bad seat in the house. But the best seat is in one of the luxury boxes set high above the start/finish line. They’re called ‘Suite Home Alabama.’”

    7. Denny Hamlin: After racing up front for most of the day at Talladega, Hamlin suffered two late speeding penalties and fell to 14th. He is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 133 out of first.

    “I was penalized for speeding while trying to serve my penalty for speeding,” Hamlin said. “And I lost my cool a little bit. Maybe I need a figure of authority to control me, like a ‘governor,’ for example.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 26th at Talladega, four laps off the lead lap.

    “Auburn coach Gus Malzahn served as Grand Marshall for the race,” Truex said. “That made about half the race crowd happy. I imagine in order to please the whole crowd, Judge Roy Moore would have to give the command to fire the motors. I’m not sure he could handle the duty. He’d probably just say ‘Ladies, start my engine.’”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola took seventh in the Geico 500 on a solid day for Stewart-Haas Racing, as teammates Kurt Busch and Kevin Harvick finished second and fourth, respectively.

    “Busch or Harvick should have won that race,” Almirola said. “Kurt made his move too early, and Kevin wasn’t ready. That really threw a wrench into Harvick’s plans on winning, as well as his balls.”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th in the Geico 500.

    “I was the cause of one of Sunday’s ‘Big Ones,’” Johnson said. “That wreck took out a lot of cars. But you know what they say: ‘If it’s ‘plate’ racing, somebody’s bound to get ‘forked.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch controlled two late restarts and cruised to the win in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond, capturing his third consecutive win.

    “Anything Kevin Harvick can do,” Busch said, “I can do just as well, like be one of the most disliked drivers in NASCAR. But it certainly didn’t look like I was disliked when I went into the stands to slap hands with my fans. It seemed like every fan there came down to greet me. And judging by race attendance, maybe they did.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led eight laps and finished fifth at Richmond, recording his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “We were hurt by a pit road penalty,” Harvick said, “when one of my crew members tossed a track bar wrench over the pit wall. It hit another crewman right in the groin. It not only hit him, it ‘scrote’im’ as well.

    3. Joey Logano: Logano won the first two stages and finished fourth at Richmond, and has posted top-10 finishes in all but one race this season.

    “There was very little action for most of this race,” Logano said. “About the only notable occurrence was a crew member of Kevin Harvick’s team getting hit in the balls with a wrench. Harvicks’s team was penalized, while the crew member was ‘penile-ized.’”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished ninth at Richmond, posting his fourth consecutive top-10 finish.

    “I can’t wait to drive a Ford Mustang next year,” Bowyer said. “And if my car owner tells me to ‘take it for a spin,’ you know I’ll do it.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Richmond, and was running second late before a slow pit stop cost him seven positions.

    “We had a problem with the jack,” Truex said. “It was a real ‘let down.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started 28th and finished eighth in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

    “The day belonged to Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said, “and he celebrated accordingly. Kyle went into the stands to celebrate with the fans. They seemed to be just as excited as he was. Honestly, I think the fans just want to touch Kyle. I can certainly relate. I’m just one, of certainly many, drivers who either want a piece of Kyle or can’t wait to get their hands on him.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson came home seventh in the Toyota Owners 400.

    “My Ganassi Racing teammate Jamie McMurray bumped me under caution for some reason,” Larson said. “And I have no idea why. I’m not sure what Jamie’s problem is, although I’d guess it has something to do with jealousy. It’s probably the fact that his car is No. 1, but he, in fact, is No. 2.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected in Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s spin late at Richmond and limped home for a 22nd-place finish.

    “In years past,” Blaney said, “the Richmond race has been run in the daytime. It doesn’t appear that racing at night made a real difference in attendance. So, as far as the actual running of the race, the difference was night and day. Not so much for attendance, though.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Richmond and is sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 129 behind Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch.

    “Kyle is racing with a ton of confidence,” Hamlin said. “He’s so confident, he went into the stands after the race to celebrate with fans. I don’t think Joe Gibbs was happy about that, given Kyle’s history as Richmond. Joe’s ordered Kyle never to go into those bleachers with the people again, by telling Kyle the fans ‘can’t stand you.’”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson came home sixth at Richmond, posting his second straight top-10 result.

    “We struggled to start the season,” Johnson said, “but we seem to be on to something. And that’s reason to celebrate. And that tells you the state of this team, from winning seven Cup championships at will to struggling for top 10’s. Our standards now are low, whereas they used to be Lowe’s.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch overtook Kyle Larson late to win the Food City 500, which concluded on Monday due to weather delays. Busch led 200 laps and picked up his second consecutive win.

    “Brad Keselowski’s spin with 30 laps to go helped me win the race,” Busch said. “But if he thinks I owe him gratitude, he can kiss it where the sun don’t shine, which is my ass, or Bristol on Sunday and Monday.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Bristol, posting his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “The race at Bristol took 26 hours to complete,” Harvick said. “Other races this year have only felt like they lasted that long.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected in a lap 117 crash and finished 35th at Bristol.

    “There was a lot of green and yellow seen during Sunday and Monday,” Blaney said. “I’m not even talking about flags; I’m talking about the weather radar.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Food City 500, posting his seventh top 10 finish of the season.

    “We spent Sunday and Monday looking up to the skies,” Logano said. “The heavens opened up, and the few fans left said ‘What the hell are we doing here?’”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished eighth at Bristol and is now fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Bristol Motor Speedway allowed school-aged children free admission to Monday’s race,” Bowyer said. “And there were quite a number of kids that showed up, thus making the crowd the most educated in NASCAR history.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was involved in an early crash at Bristol, suffering damage that led to an eventual 30th-place finish.

    “You probably saw me circling the track with no hood on my car,” Truex said. “That’s never good for speed, but I can assure you I was running ‘wide-open.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stages 1 and 2, but spun with 30 laps to go and hit the wall.

    “That spin cost me a top-10 finish,” Keselowski said, “and likely gave Kyle Busch the win. That’s a brutal double whammy comparable only to what Kyle and Kurt Busch’s parents experienced.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 200 laps at Bristol, but fell short to Kyle Busch’s fresh tires. Larson finished second and is ninth in the points standings, 116 out of first.

    “Brad Keselowski’s accident was the break Kyle Busch and the No. 18 Skittles car needed,” Larson said. “If that doesn’t happen, I win. Victory was so close, I could taste it. All of a sudden, victory was so far away, I could taste the rainbow.”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola started 19th and finished sixth at in the Food City 500.

    “NASCAR-issued pit guns are still an issue,” Almirola said. “Denny Hamlin, among others, said these pit guns are accurate in only one instance—-shooting yourself in the foot.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 14th after a loose wheel cost him any chance of winning.

    “I place the blame squarely on these crappy pit guns NASCAR forces us to us,” Hamlin said. “And it probably cost me the win, which is not the first time I’ve had a problem with them. Personally, ‘I’m tired of getting screwed,’ which is one thing you’ll never hear a securely tightened lug nut say.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second and sported the best car for much of the day. But two pit road incidents, a loose lug nut and a penalty for too many crewmen over the wall, cost him the win. He still finished second and is fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “We obviously were the best car out there,” Harvick said, “but we had to settle for second. That’s frustrating. I don’t like settling any more than Tony Stewart does, but sometimes settling is the best course of action.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch took advantage of two Kevin Harvick pit road mishaps, capitalizing to take the win in the O’Reilly Auto Part 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. It was Busch’s first win of the year.

    “I figuratively threw a wrench into Harvick’s victory aspirations,” Busch said, “while NASCAR literally threw a wrench there.”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Texas and holds the third spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Texas was less about competitive racing,” Blaney said, “and more about an uncontrollable tire. I think it’s great for the sport, though. NASCAR hasn’t been blessed with something this round and with a mind of its own since Jimmy Spencer.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex slammed the wall on Lap 80, leaving the No. 78 Toyota significantly damaged. Truex finished 37th, 254 laps down.

    “What made a greater impact?” Truex said. “Me hitting the wall, or Kevin Harvick’s car chief’s and a NASCAR official’s two fists bumping? Are Harvick and NASCAR ‘in bed’ together? If they are, I guess that means they’d be ‘bumping uglies.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Texas, posting his sixth top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 38 behind Kyle Busch.

    “NASCAR didn’t penalize Kevin Harvick for an uncontrollable tire on their final green flag pit stop,” Logano said. “Is NASCAR playing favorites? When Harvick’s crew chief Robert Smith found out there would be no penalty, he fist bumped a NASCAR official. That shouldn’t happen. This is NASCAR; the only thing bumping into a fist should be Kurt Busch’s face.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s day at Texas ended abruptly when he was collected in a Lap 178 crash triggered by contact between Aric Almirola and Denny Hamlin. Keselowski finished 33rd.

    “That’s ‘Aric’ with an ‘A,’” Keselowski said, “and ‘Hamlin’ with an ‘H.’ Much like ‘All’ with an ‘A’ and ‘Hell’ with an ‘H.’”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer started third and finished ninth, earning his fourth top 10 of the season.

    “It was a good day for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Bowyer said. “Especially Kevin Harvick. I think it’s clear he has the best car this year. So there are about 39 other cars trailing him. In addition, NASCAR officials are ‘behind’ him, too.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson cut a tire on Lap 126 and slammed the wall hard, ending his day at Texas. He finished 36th and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Even before my crash,” Larson said, “I knew it was going to be a tough day. My No. 42 car failed pre-race inspection three times. I had to start at the rear of the field, and my crew chief David Bryant was ejected. As you know, they don’t hold back on penalties in Texas, and that includes more than just the death penalty.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch won the pole at Texas and finished seventh in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500, as three Stewart-Haas Racing cars finished in the top 10.

    “SHR cars also took the top three spots in qualifying,” Busch said. “And Kevin Harvick already has three wins in only seven races. We’re dominating. Everyone is saying Stewart-Haas is the favorite, most notably NASCAR officials.”

    10. Erik Jones: Jones led 64 laps and finished fifth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500.

    “It’s good to see O’Reilly sponsoring a race,” Jones said. “This sport needs all the Irish it can get. And if it’s not Conor McGregor tossing hand trucks through windows, then I guess we’ll have to settle for O’Reilly Auto Parts.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the STP 500, posting his fourth top five of the year.

    “If there’s one thing we learned at Martinsville,” Harvick said, “it’s that Clint Bowyer loves beer. And he really wanted a beer after the race, but he didn’t have one. So, Clint had a ‘drinking problem.’ And that’s why fans love Clint Bowyer because he’s just like them.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Martinsville and is still winless on the year. However, Busch took over the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Did you see the Stormy Daniels’ interview on 60 Minutes?” Busch said. “I didn’t. I just chalked it up to another missed interview.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took fourth in the STP 500 at Martinsville and is second in the points standings, eight out of first.

    “Stewart-Haas Racing looks like a powerhouse team right now,” Truex said. “Does their performance have something to do with the absence of Tony Stewart? Many think so. It seems that once you get rid of the ‘mo fo,’ you get your ‘mo jo.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano took sixth at Martinsville for his fifth top five of the season.

    “The race was postponed until Monday because of snow,” Logano said. “If Tim Richmond were alive to see a race delayed because of a white powder, he would no doubt have said, ‘That blows.’”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started fourth and finished 10th at Martinsville.

    “It’s not often you can look into the stands at Martinsville and see snow,” Keselowski said. “Actually, that’s not true. You can look into the stands anytime and see all-white.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led 215 laps and won at Martinsville, snapping a 190-race winless streak.

    “Did you see my victory burnout,” Bowyer said. “It’s great to be able to intentionally spin and not be penalized.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 16th at Martinsville and is now ninth in the Monster Energy points standings, 61 out of first.

    “I’m curious as to what Clint Bowyer is going to do with his grandfather clock,” Larson said. “I imagine that anytime that clock strikes ’12,’ it’s going to be ‘beer o’clock’ for him.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 145 laps and finished third at Martinsville.

    “Martinsville is famous for its hot dogs,” Blaney said. “I’m guessing that at November’s NASCAR awards banquet, the Martinsville hot dog will win the award for ‘Weiner Of The Year,’ edging out Austin Dillon and Joey Logano.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Martinsville and finished 12th in the STP 500.

    “I had a spirited battle with Kevin Harvick in the closing laps,” Hamlin said. “He had bumped me earlier, so I was just returning the favor. Then he brake-checked me. Now, I’m pissed. But I don’t think Harvick wants any part of me. How do I know? Because he told me to meet him in Victory Lane, and he knows I probably won’t be there.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th at Martinsville, as all four Stewart-Haas Racing cars finished in the top 14.

    “My brother Kyle has three runner-up finishes this year,” Busch said, “but not a single victory. And he’s so frustrated. So, just to antagonize him this Sunday, I’m gonna dress as the Easter Bunny, tell Kyle to look in the win column, and see if he can find the ‘goose eggs.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s three-race win streak was halted at Fontana after contact with Kyle Larson on lap 37 sent Harvick into the wall. He finished 35th.

    “I blamed Kyle,” Harvick said. “That is, until I realized it was Kyle Larson that I hit and not Kyle Busch. Had it been Busch, you can best believe it would have been a case of ‘He said, he said, DeLana tweeted.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch took third in the Auto Club 400, posting his third consecutive top-five result. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, nine out of first.

    “I’ve yet to win this year,” Busch said, “and it’s very frustrating. I want to win so badly, mostly because I’ll be able to say to slower cars, ‘Catch me if you can,’ which is also what I say to Fox reporters.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was the class of the field at Fontana, leading 125 laps in winning from the pole for his first win of the season.

    “I won by nearly 12 seconds,” Truex said. “12 ‘seconds’ hasn’t meant this much in NASCAR since the days of Mark Martin falling just short every year.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Auto Club 400 after winning the Xfinity Series race on Saturday.

    “You may have seen me hanging with Ice Cube before the race,” Logano said. “I feel like my street cred just went up several notches. So, I no longer want to be known as ‘Sliced Bread.’ In the future, please refer to me as ‘Corn Bread.’”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home fourth in the Auto Club 400, recording his second top five of the season. He is fourth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

    “I hear Kyle Busch was complaining about not being interviewed,” Keselowski said. “When asked about it in a later interview, he said, ‘No comment.’”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second in the Auto Club 400, posting his second top five of the season.

    “I finished over 11 seconds behind Martin Truex Jr.,” Larson said. “I made history, as the first driver to turn that much clean air into just a second-place finish.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Fontana.

    “Attendance was awful on Sunday,” Blaney said. “That’s surprising because one would think speeds approaching 190 miles per hour would be a big attraction. Unfortunately, in NASCAR, one thing not going fast are tickets.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin posted his fourth top-10 finish of the year with a sixth in the Auto Club 400.

    “It’s not a whole lot of fun racing in front of empty stands,” Hamlin said. “I think most fans were home watching NCAA basketball. At least fans know there will be passing there.”

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th at Fontana and is ninth in the points standings, 61 out of first.

    “NASCAR definitely has an attendance problem,” Bowyer said. “And it’s getting worse because the fans actually in attendance are dying of boredom.”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 12th at Fontana in the No. 43 Richard Petty Motorsports Ford.

    “We weren’t that far from Hollywood,” Almirola said, “so you probably noticed a few movie stars in attendance. To be honest, NASCAR doesn’t need movie stars; this sport needs directors. Maybe if they say ‘Action!’ there will actually be some.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick corralled his third consecutive win, dashing to the win in the Ticket Guardian 500 at Phoenix.

    “I was showing three fingers out of my side window for the fans in the stands,” Harvick said, “and one finger out of my rear window for NASCAR officials in the inspection area.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second to Kevin Harvick for the second week in a row and now sits second in the points standings.

    “I was trying my darndest to get to Harvick’s rear bumper,” Busch said. “Not because I wanted to pass him; I just wanted to get a really good look at his rear windshield.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and finished fifth at Phoenix, scoring his third top five of the year.

    “Right now,” Truex said, “Toyota is just trying to keep up with Ford and Kevin Harvick. Is Harvick’s team hiding something that may be illegal? It’s possible. So, instead of focusing on the rear window, maybe NASCAR officials should try checking the ‘back door.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished 19th, one lap off the pace, in the TicketGuardian 500 at Phoenix. He is now fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 16 out of first.

    “Kevin Harvick’s dominance surely can’t be good for television ratings,” Logano said. “Heck, I know at least 38 people that are sick of watching this, and they’re all pretty involved in the sport.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 16th at Phoenix.

    “I guess I can’t fault NASCAR for penalizing Kevin Harvick for rear windshield violations,” Blaney said. “Harvick lost 20 points from the overall championship standings and seven playoff points. NASCAR took one look at Harvick’s rear window and said, “Hindsight is 20-7.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Phoenix and is sixth in the points standings, 34 out of first.

    “All the talk last week at Las Vegas was about Kevin Harvick and his rear windshield,” Keselowski said. “Many feel it akin to a remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rear Window.’ Personally, with Vegas being the home of the Busch brothers, I thought the applicable Hitchcock movie would have been ‘Psycho.’

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson started second at Phoenix and struggled to an 18th-place finish.

    “There were a lot of empty seats at Phoenix International Raceway,” Larson said. “NASCAR claims the action will get fans ‘out of their seats,’ and I guess they’re right.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth at Phoenix.

    “Kevin Harvick was just too good,” Hamlin said. “After the race, he called out ‘all the haters.’ Well, that must mean all of us, because everybody hates Kevin Harvick.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch won Stage 2 at Phoenix and finished 10th. He is 10th in the points standings, 51 out of first.

    “I agree with my teammate Kevin Harvick,” Busch said. “NASCAR is overstepping their boundaries by penalizing him. NASCAR officials looked at Kevin’s rear windshield and proclaimed it a ‘sight to behold,’ whereas Kevin says they looked at it and he declared it a ‘sight to b-holes.’”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished sixth at Phoenix, posting his second top-10 finish of the season.

    “If not for social media,” Bowyer said, “Kevin Harvick probably wouldn’t have been penalized for his rear windshield violation at Las Vegas. And that really pissed Harvick off. Ironically, he’s the one going ‘post-al.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was clearly the class of the field at Las Vegas, winning Stages 1 and 2 and leading 214 laps in winning the Pennzoil 400, his second consecutive victory.

    “I was untouchable,” Harvick said. “The field didn’t have anything for me, except inferiority. And I’ve led 395 of 592 laps over the last two races, which should give me the award for ‘best lead actor in a series.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the Pennzoil 400, as Penske Racing placed two drivers in the top 10.

    “Harvick’s No. 4 Jimmy Johns Ford was indeed ‘Freaky Fast,’” Keselowski said. “He was like Superman out there. And the NRA claims he was faster than a speeding bullet.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano led 25 laps and finished seventh in the Pennzoil 400.

    “Kevin Harvick’s dominance made for a very boring race,” Logano said. ‘In the place often called the ‘City That Never Sleeps,’ it was the ‘Race That Put You to Sleep.’”

    4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole and finished fifth at Las Vegas.

    “Kevin Harvick drove with surgical precision,” Blaney said. “In other words, he put on a clinic out there.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished third at Las Vegas, posting his second consecutive top-10 result. He jumped eight places in the points standings to fifth, where he trails Kevin Harvick by 31 points.

    “NASCAR viewership is down from last year,” Larson said. “Not many people are watching. So, if you gave viewership a letter grade, it would be a ‘See minus.’”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex posted his second straight top five with a fourth in the Pennzoil 400.

    “Las Vegas is a playoff track this year,” Truex said. “So, we made observations, took notes, and came to the conclusion that Kevin Harvick has advanced to the second round of the Chase For The Cup.”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in the Pennzoil 400 and is now tied for fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 104 out of first.

    “Nothing sucks more than losing to Kevin Harvick,” Busch said. “Except losing to Harvick badly. Brad Keselowski would call Harvick beating me in such fashion an ‘ass whupping.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Las Vegas and is now eighth in the points standings, 38 out of first.

    “Okay,” Hamlin said, “so maybe saying 70 percent of NASCAR drivers are taking Adderall is a bit much. But that won’t stop me from saying that 100 percent of drivers in Vegas are on something because they’re all ‘high rollers.’”

    9. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished 13th at Las Vegas and is 10th in the points standings.

    “This race was nowhere near as exciting as my Daytona 500 win,” Dillon said. “Both myself and my Richard Childress Racing teammate Ryan Newman finished a lap down to Kevin Harvick. It appears that, once again, Harvick has left RCR in the dust.”

    10. Paul Menard: Menard started 12th and finished ninth at Las Vegas.

    “What’s up with Jimmie Johnson?” Menard said. “He’s struggling. At this rate, he’s going to end his career with only seven Cup championships.”