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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated at Atlanta, leading 181 laps and winning Stage 1 on his way to the win in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “I just dominated a race,” Harvick said, “yet all I hear in NASCAR circles is talk of the Denny Hamlin-Bubba Wallace feud. I should be the one they’re talking about. Luckily, the use of Adderall is rampant in NASCAR, so I should be able to treat my ‘attention deficit disorder.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 26 laps and finished fourth at Atlanta.

    “Harvick was unbeatable,” Hamlin said. “From the start, it was clear he was going to win. You could say Harvick’s chances were a slam dunk.

    “And speaking of basketball, Darrell Wallace Jr. is out of my basketball and golf leagues, which, collectively, are known as ‘The Fores And Fives.’ We’ll survive. Darrell wasn’t much of a golfer anyway. As I said after Daytona, ‘His driving sucks.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Atlanta to Kevin Harvick, who dominated the weekend at the

    “Fords took the top 3 spots,” Keselowski said, “and I couldn’t be happier. Last year, I complained when Toyota was dominating. Well, turnabout is fair play, and it’s time to celebrate with a cold beverage. No, not Miller Lite, but some wine, because everybody knows ‘wine-ing’ in NASCAR gets things done.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano took sixth at Atlanta to go along with his fourth at Daytona and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “This Denny Hamlin-Bubba Wallace feud has taken on a life of its own,” Logano said. “First, it’s about Adderall. Now, Wallace has been kicked out of Hamlin’s basketball and golf leagues. I propose they both be ejected from any and all debate leagues because this is the dumbest argument in the history of NASCAR.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 12th at Atlanta and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “The threat of rain was imminent over the duration of the race,” Blaney said, “and was also the most exciting aspect of the race.”

    6. Austin Dillon: The Daytona 500 winner finished 14th at Atlanta and is currently sixth in the points standings, 19 out of first.

    “I considered getting a ‘Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500: 14th Place’ tattoo on my butt,” Dillon said, “on a day when clouds filled the sky. But I came to my senses, and decided against getting a tattoo where the sun don’t shine.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer’s strong start to the season continued with a third in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “The NRA is scheduled to sponsor the Bristol night race in August,” Bowyer said. “Maybe by then, we’ll have this issue with pit guns solved. A lot of teams had an issue with pit guns at Atlanta. And that has a lot of people triggered.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home fifth at Atlanta.

    “The No. 78 Toyota failed inspection three times before qualifying on Friday,” Truex said. “There hasn’t been such a level of failure in NASCAR since Jimmy Spencer took a physical back in 2001.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Atlanta and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 21 out of first.

    “Jeff Gordon said he’d be open to racing in the truck series at Martinsville,” Busch said. “That’s big news, for NASCAR, for Martinsville, and for Denny Hamlin, whose ‘pickup’ game is currently one person short.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch led the way for Joe Gibbs Racing at Atlanta with a seventh in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “Austin Dillon and Kevin Harvick have the first two wins of the year,” Busch said. “So I guess the story so far this year revolves around two asses.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Austin Dillon: Dillon overtook Aric Almirola on Turn 3 of the final lap and captured the Daytona 500 in the No. 3 car made famous by the legendary Dale Earnhardt Sr.

    “I got a tattoo of the Daytona 500 logo and the word ‘champ’ on my backside,” Dillon said. “I’ve always wanted a tattoo but was afraid of getting one. I guess you could say I finally ‘cracked.’

    “While I’m at it, I may get another tattoo that says ‘Richard Childress Racing’ on my lower back. Would that be called a ‘gramp stamp?’”

    2. Darrell Wallace Jr.: Wallace, in his first start for Richard Petty Motorsports in the No. 43 car, took second at Daytona.

    “Denny Hamlin and I made contact crossing the finish line,” Wallace said, “and I was a little unhappy about it. So I made a crack about Adderall, which is “A Denny Hamlin Dis.” So maybe I need to be treated for ‘ADHD.’”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started strong at Daytona, qualifying second and leading the first 10 laps. But a one-lap penalty for missing his pit box put him way back in the field before he charged back.

    “It was a very exciting race,” Hamlin said. “It got everybody’s blood pumping. I guess you could call this year’s Daytona 500 a ‘stimulant.’

    “Okay, I think that’s enough talk about Adderall for the time being. It seems we’ve reached the ‘speed’ limit.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started fifth and finished fourth in the Daytona 500, giving Ford its top finish.

    “I felt confident from the get-go,” Logano said. “Mostly because Matt Kenseth was not in the race, but also because the car was fast.

    “Kudos to the Navy Band Southeast for their wonderful rendition of the ‘Star Spangled Banner.’ Fergie should follow their example of the national anthem and not sing it.”

    5. Chris Buescher: Buescher survived the carnage at Daytona and left with a strong fifth in the 500.

    “Not many people know who I am,” Buescher said. “I’m not what you would call a ‘household name.’ My car, however, is a ‘household product,’ because I’m sponsored by Cottonelle. That’s an odd sponsor for a race car driver, because, of course, you don’t want to be ‘bringing up the rear.’”

    6. Paul Menard: Menard finished sixth at Daytona in the No. 21 Wood Brothers Racing Ford Fusion.

    “Michael Waltrip took his famous ‘Grid Walk’ before the race,” Menard said. “I think it’s good for everyone. Michael gets camera time, and people only have to speak with him for five seconds, which is the maximum anyone can tolerate. It’s a win-win.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led a race-high 118 laps and won Stage 2 on his way to a seventh-place finish in the Daytona 500.

    “I made news early this year when I got a haircut and shaved my mustache,” Blaney said. “That’s what’s known in the business as ‘race trim.’”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman started 13th and finished eighth in the Daytona 500.

    “Congratulations to Austin Dillon on his big win,” Newman said. “And congratulations to Darrell Wallace Jr., for his runner-up finish, and especially for not being related to Rusty.”

    9. Michael McDowell: McDowell finished ninth in the Daytona 500.

    “Some people take Adderall,” McDowell said, “and some people have tattoos. Some people are characterized by both. And to those Dale Jr. fans I say, ‘If you’re looking for a new favorite driver, I’m your man.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola had the lead on the final lap at Daytona before he blocked the hard-charging Austin Dillon, and the contact sent Almirola spinning and into the wall. He finished 11th, and took responsibility for the contact.

    “I knew Austin had a run on me,” Almirola said, “so I was just trying to block. I don’t blame him for hitting my bumper and sending me into the wall. You could say it was the first of two ‘tattooed backsides’ of the weekend.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Phoenix as the field of four was finalized for Homestead.

    “I think the consensus is that I’m the favorite to win the Cup,” Truex said. “I totally agree. I’m a big favorite of my odds to win because I like my chances.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh in the Can-Am 500, posting his 21st top 10 of the year.

    “Toyota’s have been the strongest cars all season,” Busch said. “And I don’t expect that to change at Homestead. Martin Truex Jr. and I have been dominating races all year with those powerful Japanese engines. You might as well call it ‘Murder On The Orient Express,’ in theaters now.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Phoenix.

    “And then there were four,” Harvick said. “Hopefully, on Sunday at Homestead, I’ll be saying ‘And then there was 4.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th and claimed the last of the four spots for the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “Luckily,” Keselowski said, “things went my way. Now, ‘my way’ is the highway from Phoenix to Homestead.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished second at Phoenix, just missing out on qualifying for the finale at Homestead.

    “I haven’t won a race all season,” Elliott said. “And that means I haven’t beaten anyone all year, so if you didn’t already know, that makes me no relation to Ezekiel Elliott.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was second in Stage 1 and won Stage 2 to put himself in position to advance as the final qualifier for Homestead. But Chase Elliott muscled Hamlin’s No. 11 into the wall with about 50 laps to go, causing a tire rub that resulted in a blown tire that crashed Hamlin out of the race. He finished 35th.

    “I guess we’re both a-holes for causing the other to miss qualifying for Homestead,” Hamlin said. “I guess that makes us even.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the pole at Phoenix and finished 17th in the Can-Am 500.

    “There appears to be a great feud brewing between Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott,” Blaney said. “Will it amount to anything? I doubt it. Not in this age of NASCAR. But I guess there is a chance for physical violence. A champion will be crowned, so there will be a celebration. And you can’t have a celebration without beverages. If that beverage is punch, then I’d say there’s a good chance that ‘punch is thrown.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth passed Chase Elliott with nine laps to go to win the Can-Am 500.

    “I can certainly understand Chase Elliott’s desire for revenge on Denny Hamlin,” Kenseth said. “I’ve been there, and in this sport, it happens a lot. So, for those of you who think NASCAR lacks enough female representation, just remember, payback’s a ‘bitch.’”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, needing a win to make the final at Homestead, blew a tire and crashed with 164 laps to go. He finished 39th.

    “I think the pressure of winning Cup No. 8 just became too overwhelming,” Johnson said. “So the ‘Weight For 8′ is responsible for the ‘Wait For 8.’”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth at Phoenix, posting his 17th top 10 of the year.

    “The SAFER barrier caught on fire after a burning brake rotor set it ablaze,” McMurray said. “Now, at this time of year in NASCAR, when someone sounds the ‘fire alarm,’ a lot of drivers get nervous.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second in the AAA 500 and clinched a spot in the Chase final four at Homestead.

    “The pressure is on for five drivers looking for that final spot,” Truex said. “I’m just glad I can sit back and relax, and watch frustration boil over for other drivers. So, while they’re going ‘postal,’ I’ll be going ‘coast-al.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 19th in the AAA 500 and is already good to go for Homestead by virtue of his win at Martinsville.

    “There are three drivers with clinched spots,” Busch said, “and five others with clinched sphincters.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick passed Martin Truex Jr. late to win at Texas and qualify for the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “The No. 4 Jimmy John’s car was not only ‘freaky fast,’” Harvick said, “it was ‘freakin‘ fast.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth at Texas and is fourth in the points standings, 19 ahead of Denny Hamlin in fifth.

    “I’m going to Phoenix like a NASCAR fan in the infield going to the port-a-potty,” Keselowski said. “I’m headed there strictly to ‘take care of business.’

    “And speaking of business, I’ll have Discount Tire sponsorship for the No. 2 car for several races next year. I think Discount Tire sponsorship will be very noticeable to the NASCAR fan base, because what NASCAR fan is not intrigued by cheap rubbers?”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started second at Texas and finished third at Texas, and will vie for the last of the four available playoff spots at Phoenix.

    “I spent much of the day looking to see if Chase Elliott was behind me,” Hamlin said. “He was, but fortunately for me, there were 15-20 cars between us.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott failed pre-qualifying technical inspection and started 34th at Texas on his way to an eighth-place finish.

    “I’ll likely need a win at Phoenix to make a run for the Cup at Phoenix,” Elliott said. “Here’s a prediction: if you don’t see me in Victory Lane, you can probably find me in the NASCAR hauler with Denny Hamlin.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took sixth in the AAA 500 and is sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 22 behind Brad Keselowski in fourth.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. tweeted a pic of Tony Stewart in spandex,” Blaney said. “Unfortunately, it was so tight, you could see the outline of Tony’s ‘mo jo.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fourth at Texas and will likely need a win at Phoenix to advance as a Cup contender at Homestead.

    “I won’t be a full-time Cup driver in 2018,” Kenseth said. “So, the next two races for me will be ‘win and I’m in’ and ‘over and out.’”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, who won at Texas in April, finished 27th at Texas, his day marred by an unscheduled pit stop due to a vibration.

    “I’ll tell you what else is vibrating,” Johnson said. “My head, because I’m shaking it because I really have no explanation for our struggles.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Texas after turning a record lap in qualifying. He finished ninth on Sunday.

    “That’s the Busch brother way,” Kurt said. “Whether we’re going super fast, or being super whiny, it sounds like a broken record.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Martinsville as Kyle Busch took the win.

    “We didn’t win,” Truex said, “but it was a good points day for us. And points get me very excited. You know what I get when I see my points pile up? A huge bonus.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch bumped his way past Denny Hamlin in overtime to claim the win at Martinsville and punch his ticket to the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “I could head to Homestead now,” Busch said, “skip the next two races, and still leave Florida with the Monster Energy Cup championship, and possibly a tan.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won the first two stages at Martinsville and was in position to win with about 10 laps to go when Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano blew a tire to cause a caution. Keselowski was passed on the restart by Chase Elliott and finished fourth.

    “Logano knew he had a tire problem,” Keselowski said, “yet he decided not to pit anyway. He basically cost me the win. I’m frustrated and angry with Joey. But I had a talk with Rusty Wallace. He told me it’s perfectly acceptable for the driver of the No. 2 car to hate his teammate.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was passed by Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch during an overtime finish, and faded to come home seventh in the First Data 500. Hamlin had previously bumped Chase Elliott out of the way, leading to a confrontation after the race.

    “I was confronted by an angry Chase Elliott fan after the race,” Hamlin said. “He looked like he was three sheets to the wind, or maybe six hot dogs to the toilet. In any case, I didn’t want any part of this guy. And if you saw the size of him, you know he had many parts.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Denny Hamlin bumped Chase Elliott out of the lead, causing Elliott to spin and wreck late at Martinsville. Elliott finished 27th and chased Hamlin down on the cool down lap to voice his displeasure.

    “I told Hamlin to ‘Kiss my behind,’” Elliott said. “He smugly replied, ‘I already did, with my car, when I wrecked you.’

    “All I have to say to Denny is ‘Halloween is over, but costume time isn’t. I’m going to be Matt Kenseth, and you’re going to be Joey Logano.’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Martinsville and is now fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “It’s good to finally see some heated confrontations between drivers after the race,” Harvick said. “Unfortunately, no punches were thrown. NASCAR doesn’t need stages; it needs rounds.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Martinsville and is now sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I may not be the best driver in NASCAR,” Blaney said, “but I’ve got the best hair in NASCAR. And I’ve got a lot of it. I once took my car to the wind tunnel, and my hair failed.”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Martinsville and is fifth in the points standings, 67 behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “I’ve got eight wins at Martinsville,” Johnson said, “so I know what it’s like to leave Martinsville with a grandfather clock trophy. I’ve got a trophy room at home solely dedicated to Martinsville trophies. I call it the ‘8 Time Room.’ Hopefully, come mid-November, I’ll have another trophy room in my house with the same name.

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth at Martinsville and is 10th in the points standings.

    “Martinsville Speedway debuted its $5 million LED lighting system,” Kenseth said. “Those are some bright lights. You could tell by just looking in the stands that everybody was well-lit.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished a disappointing 37th at Martinsville after spinning and slamming the inside wall on lap 300.

    “I may be out of the running for the 2017 Monster Energy Cup,” Larson said, “but I’m already looking ahead to 2018. I think I’ve proved my talent over the past that I should be the odds-on favorite to win the 2018 Cup. So, looking back, I’m looking forward.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and won at Kansas, posting his series-best seventh victory of the season.

    “The phrase heard most often in NASCAR this year is ‘Truex wins,’” Truex said. “I’m just hoping to add ‘it all’ to the end of it.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 18 laps and finished 13th at Kansas, and is on to the third round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “There’s three Toyota’s in the field of eight as we head to Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “I’ll be the first to say I’m at a disadvantage, but I’ve got a ‘Deuce’ up my sleeve because I won there in April.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 112 laps, won Stage 1, and finished 10th in the Hollywood Casino 400, easily qualifying for the third round of the Chase.

    “I wore a special glow in the dark ‘Frankenstein’ helmet at Kansas,” Busch said. “Frankenstein and I share a couple of traits—1) our complexion, and 2) we both have a lead foot.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 at Kansas and finished fifth, posting his 14th top five of the season.

    “Martin Truex Jr. has dominated on 1-½-mile tracks,” Hamlin said, “and Kansas Speedway was one of those. But Martinsville is a ½-mile track, and it’s my home track, as well as my favorite track. So, I just want to remind Martin, ‘We’re not in Kansas anymore.’”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott is on to the next round of the Chase after a fourth at Kansas, posting the top Chevrolet finish.

    “Martinsville is where they separate the men from the boys,” Elliott said. “Men can digest a Martinsville hot dog; boys can not.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Needing a solid finish to advance to the third round, Harvick started second at Kansas and finished eighth.

    “Martinsville is NASCAR’s shortest track,” Harvick said, “so cars will be packed tightly. That means a lot of contact, which means tempers could flare, and the next thing you know, punches are flying. How do I now? Because I’m knowledgeable on pushing other drivers, either over the edge or into an awaiting melee.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson suffered a blown engine on Lap 73 and finished 39th at Kansas, ending his chances of advancing to the third round of the Chase.

    “First I lose my Target,” Larson said, “now I’ve lost my goal.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney failed post-qualifying inspection and started last, but scrambled to finish a strong third at Kansas, which advanced him to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “Failing inspection at the Hollywood Casino 400 is like getting busted by the ‘pit’ boss,” Blaney said. “As the number of failed inspections in NASCAR shows, ‘rolling the dice’ is very common.

    9. Jimmie Johnson: In danger of being eliminated from the Chase, Johnson advanced with an 11th at Kansas.

    “What is a playoff field without Jimmie Johnson?” Johnson said. “For one thing, it’s good news for fans of Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt Jr. And without me, the only ‘J.J.’ in the field would be the one on Kevin Harvick’s hood.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 37th at Kansas, his hopes of advancing ended by a penalty for having too many crew members over the wall

    “The key word there is ‘over,’” Kenseth said. “And I didn’t even know that was a penalty. So I’m confused. And I’m not the only one confused. NASCAR chairman Brian France heard about an ‘over the wall’ penalty and was stunned to learn my pit crewmen were not Mexican.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex crashed out at Talladega with 17 laps to go when he made contact with David Ragan, setting a chain reaction crash that victimized Jimmie Johnson, Kevin Harvick, and Kyle Busch.

    “My win at Charlotte already puts me into the next round of the Chase,” Truex said. “There’s no pressure. So, at Kansas, you can expect my car to be all over the track because I’ll be the one running ‘loose.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski passed Ryan Newman on the final lap at Talladega to win the Alabama 500 and secure his spot in the Round Of 8 of the Chase For The Cup.

    “It was a wild day at Talladega,” Keselowski said, “and I’m in a state of shock. Frankly, I’m stunned, that a Ford could win in a race with Toyotas in the field. And that, my friends, is the sound of ‘sandbagging.’”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson survived a wreck-filled day at Talladega to post a 13th-place finish and solidify his odds of advancing to the next round of the Chase.

    “There were three red flags on Sunday,” Larson said. “It felt an awful lot like my car was being inspected.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth in the Alabama 500, posting the best finish by a Toyota driver. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I’m in good position to advance to the next round of the Chase,” Hamlin said. “Barring a disaster, or as we saw at Talladega, disasters, I should move on to the third round. Hopefully, the 40 professional drivers in the field at Kansas will show professionalism.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 27th after his No. 18 Toyota was collected in a lap 171 crash triggered by contact between Martin Truex Jr. and David Ragan.

    “If the field of 8 was set now,” Busch said, “I’d be out, and Truex would have eliminated his biggest competitor in the championship. I’m not saying Truex’s wreck was intentional; I’m just saying he was driving ‘with a purpose.’”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott started second at Talladega and finished 16th, six laps behind the leaders.

    “Like many drivers,” Elliott said, “I was an innocent victim of someone else’s recklessness. Fortunately, there’s a 20-point cushion between me in sixth and Kyle Busch in ninth. Of course, it’s no fun hitting a wall at such speeds, but I couldn’t ask for a ‘SAFER barrier.’”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s No. 4 Ford survived involvement in two big crashes to post a 20th at Talladega.

    “Only 14 cars finished the race,” Harvick said. “It takes NASCAR three races to pare the field down to 12 drivers. Talladega can do it in a single race.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the second stage and finished 18th at Talladega.

    “That stage win is worth a point in the standings,” Blaney said. “And every single point is vitally important in the NASCAR playoffs. And what better place to reiterate the importance of a ‘Big One’ than Talladega?”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 24th at Talladega.

    “We were penalized for working on the car during a red flag,” Johnson said. “Usually, when NASCAR tells Chad Knaus to stop altering the car, it’s after the work is already done.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 14th in the Alabama 500, and is 10th in the points standings.

    “I joked that my 2018 driving plans may involve a school bus,” Kenseth said. “The last time I took someone to school, it was Joey Logano in Martinsville.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started 17th and Charlotte, but the handling on his No. 78 Toyota finally came around at the right time, and he pulled away to win the Bank Of America 500.

    “That’s my sixth win in 30 races this season,” Truex said. “That’s one of every five. Stated as a fraction, that’s a fifth. Stated in terms a NASCAR fan can understand, that’s 750 milliliters.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch fell a lap down after slapping the wall on lap 137 and finished a disappointing 29th at Charlotte.

    “I needed immediate medical attention right after the race,” Busch said. “I was overheated and dehydrated. Doctors in the infield care center said I looked white as a sheet. That’s when they knew it was okay to release me.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson was leading with 55 laps remaining, but his tire carrier slipped and fell on a pit stop, costing Larson the lead and track position. He eventually finished 10th.

    “It was an unavoidable mistake,” Larson said, “and I feel bad for my tire carrier. But he feels even worse. He’s beaten himself up about it so much that he’s in traction.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won the pole at Charlotte and led the first 35 laps on his way to a fourth, his 13th top five of the year.

    “I said NASCAR drivers should make as much as athletes in the NBA and NFL,” Hamlin said. “I guess what I’m saying is drivers should be more overpaid than we already are.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott took second at Charlotte, posting his second consecutive runner-up finish.

    “I feel like those two runner-up finishes have prepared me for a win,” Elliott said. “It’s just a matter of time. How much time? I’d say about ‘two seconds.’”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated early at Charlotte, winning the first two stages and raced to a third-place finish.

    “I think we had the fastest car,” Harvick said. “I think we’ve found the speed we’ve been missing. I think you’ll see the No. 4 Jimmy John’s/Busch Ford really showing that at Talladega. To put it in perspective for fans in the Talladega infield, my car will be moving around ‘Dega’s 2.66-mile track as fast, if not faster, than Jimmy John’s and Busch beer moving through your digestive tract. I think we can challenge those Toyotas, so expect a race as competitive as your race to the port-a-potty.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished seventh at Charlotte, recording his 11th top 10 of the year.

    “We got away with an apparent rules violation in the pits,” Johnson said. “One of my pit crew members tightened a lug nut when I was clearly out of the pit box. I can’t explain it. I guess the only thing we can do is open up the NASCAR rule book. To which page, you ask? The one labeled ‘interpretation.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Charlotte and is now 10th in the points standings, 64 out of first.

    “It was an exhausting day at Charlotte,” Keselowski said. “But I’ll tell you what’s really exhausting: saying ‘Toyota’ when someone asks who’s won the last four races.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth posted a solid 11th at Charlotte.

    “Five hundred miles in those conditions is brutal,” Kenseth said. “You saw what happened to Kyle Busch. He was overcome with carbon monoxide poisoning. Luckily, he recovered. It’s mentioned a lot in our sport, but never has racing in ‘clean air’ been more important.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished fifth at Charlotte and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 62 behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “It was incredibly humid out there,” McMurray said. “Kyle Busch visited the infield care center due to overheating. He didn’t seem too upset. It was the first time in his life he’s been called ‘smoking hot.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Dover and passed Chase Elliott with two laps to go to win at Dover.

    “I stood for the American flag,” Busch said, “but I was sitting for the checkered flag.

    “Unfortunately, my brother Kurt didn’t advance to the next round of the Chase. Kurt won the Daytona 500 in February. Since then, he’s done mostly nothing, which is the same as saying he hasn’t done much of anything.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Dover and finished fourth, and is still the leader in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “The championship is turning into a two-man battle between me and Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “I think we should just put our two Toyotas side-by-side and force Brad Keselowski to pick a winner.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 2 and finished fifth in the Apache Warrior 400 at Dover, posting his 14th top five of the year.

    “There’s been a lot of talk lately about standing for the national anthem,” Larson said. “To stand or not to stand, that is the question. But this is NASCAR, the ‘stands’ that really should be a concern are the ones that hold the fans.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won the first stage and finished 10th at Dover.

    “I said it before and I’ll say it again,” Keselowski said. “I support your civil rights 100 percent. If you want to stand for the national anthem, I support your desire to do so. If you’re afraid not to for fear of having your ass kicked, I support your right to feel fear.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin broke an axle and finished 35th in the Apache Warrior 400.

    “And speaking of things that ‘crack under pressure,’” Hamlin said, “Chase Elliott should have won that race.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 138 laps at Dover, but couldn’t close the deal as Kyle Busch passed him with two laps to go to steal the win.

    “I think I may be coming down with a case of the flu,” Elliott said. “Or maybe I’m feeling a bit ‘run down.’

    “Kyle may be the favorite to win the Monster Energy Cup. He looms large in the championship picture, much as he did in my rear-view mirror.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Dover and is now fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 42 behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “Chase Elliott almost had his first career win, ” Johnson said. “I know he must be disappointed. He was this close to victory, and by ‘this’ I mean the length of a two-inch piece of tape.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home 11th at Dover, just missing his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “Did Ryan Newman keep Chase Elliott from winning?” Kenseth said. “Of course not. Newman’s never prevented anyone from winning anything of consequence, except himself.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th at Dover, with his shot at a stronger finish hindered by an unscheduled pit stop.

    “There was very little, if any, sitting for the national anthem,” Harvick said. “I think that goes to show that NASCAR is the most ‘All-American’ sport there is. The red, white, and blue are important to NASCAR, especially the white.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished ninth at Dover, recording his 15th top 10 of the year, and advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I think all major sports had an increased amount of attention on the national anthem,” McMurray said. “But only in NASCAR was the playing of the anthem more exciting than the event itself.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Loudon and finished fifth in the ISM Connect 300.

    “I barely made it through Kevin Harvick’s smoky wreck,” Truex said. “Normally, you don’t see a smokescreen like that unless it’s NASCAR throwing a bogus late caution flag to cause a restart and prevent a certain driver from winning by a large margin.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the pole at New Hampshire and took Stage 2 on his way to the win at New Hampshire.

    “I punched my ticket to the next round of the Chase,” Busch said, “which may be the only thing I’ve actually ever punched in my life.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the front row at Loudon and finished second behind Kyle Busch.

    “It was a warm day in New Hampshire,” Larson said. “But that wasn’t the reason a lot of drivers were perspiring. After the race at Dover next week, four drivers will be eliminated, and the field will be narrowed from 16 to 12. So, for the four at the bottom, it’s gonna be all she wrote. We call those drivers the ‘Rear Enders.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth at New Hampshire, posting his 12th top five of the year.

    “Joey Logano failed inspection four times before qualifying on Friday,” Keselowski said. “So NASCAR made him drive to pit road and sit in his car. Joey called it a ‘joke;’ he started 39th, so I guess NASCAR had the ‘last’ laugh.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished a solid 12th at Loudon as Joe Gibbs Racing cars took three of the top six spots.

    “I have an unreasonable fear of lobster,” Hamlin said. “That makes me chicken.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished third at New Hampshire, posting his eighth top-five of the year.

    “Poor Joey Logano,” Kenseth said. “He had to sit in his car while qualifying was taking place. It must have been a helpless feeling. Trust me, I know the feeling. It’s the one I gave Logano two years ago at Martinsville.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 14th in the ISM Connect 300.

    “There’s a lot of talk about the national anthem in sports today,” Johnson said. “Richard Childress and Richard Petty were quite adamant about their feelings, while Dale Earnhardt Jr. tweeted his feelings supporting the right to peacefully protest. That must have put the people of Junior Nation in quite a dilemma, because for them if it’s a matter of sitting or standing, it often involves a visit to the Port-A-Potty.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick spun with a lap to go in Stage 2 after contact with Austin Dillon. The wreck created a huge plume of smoke, and Kurt Busch rammed Harvick’s No. 4, ending the day for both cars.

    “I’ve had issues with Dillon before,” Harvick said. “He’s the grandson of Richard Childress; I’ve mentioned before that Austin was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth. I’m so angry with him, I’d like to fork him up.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 16th at New Hampshire.

    “NASCAR car owners have made it clear they won’t tolerate a driver who won’t rise for the national anthem,” McMurray said. “In other words, they won’t stand for it.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 11th at Loudon and now stands eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I was penalized for ‘illegal modifications at Chicagoland,” Elliott said. “We got caught removing tape from the spoiler, but only because some fans saw us doing it. I think the lesson learned is we should ‘stick’ to the rules.”