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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third at Chicagoland as Toyotas took the top three qualifying spots. Despite an early pit road speeding penalty, Truex recovered and took the win, securing his spot in the second round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “As per usual in a race sponsored by Nickelodeon,” Truex said, “the winner gets ‘slimed’ with the network’s signature green goo. So I got slimed. If you’ve ever taken a dip in the infield pond at Daytona after the Daytona 500, you get the same result.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fifth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “It’s too bad Sunoco is the official fuel of NASCAR,” Larson said, “because Shell’s missing a heck of an opportunity for a tie-in with the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started second and came home fourth, posting the top finish among Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

    “Brad Keselowski had a lot of words to say about Toyotas,” Hamlin said. “Brad’s Ford may lack speed, but he certainly doesn’t, because he’s always quick to complain.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 59 laps and finished third at Chicagoland.

    “Let me just dispel a rumor right now,” Harvick said. “Jimmy John’s deliveries are ‘freaky fast,’ but despite what Brad Keselowski says, our delivery fleet is not comprised exclusively of Toyotas.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Chicagoland and finished a disappointing 15th, due to a number of issues in the pits. He is still fifth in the points standings, 41 out of first.

    “We made some costly mistakes,” Busch said. “First a loose wheel, then a penalty in the pits for over the wall too soon. Maybe it was because I had a new pit crew. I think it was a case of nerves. Others think it may have been the Skittles paint scheme because we were ‘Skitt-ish.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took ninth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400, posting his 13th top 10 of the year.

    “You saw NASCAR officials taking tires into the ‘blue tent’ for testing,” Kenseth said. “As I understand it, they submerge the tires in water to check for leaks. It’s the NASCAR equivalent of waterboarding.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, seeking his eighth Cup championship, posted an eighth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “If I win number eight,” Johnson said, “I’ll be alone at the top of the list of NASCAR champions. So I really want one more, because that will give me one more than anyone else.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Chicagoland, recording his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “Maybe my comments about Toyota domination were premature,” Keselowski said. “Although a Toyota won the race, they didn’t dominate altogether. So, maybe in hindsight, I shouldn’t have made those statements. But, I drive a Ford, probably the slowest of the cars, so any observations I make will be in ‘hindsight,’ because I’m behind.

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 10th in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “I think it’s great to have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles associated with a NASCAR race,” McMurray said. “NASCAR’s fan base is dwindling, so it’s brilliant market to target not only teenagers, but mutants, ninjas, and turtles as well.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 42 laps and took the runner-up spot at Chicagoland.

    “Martin Truex Jr. won handily,” Elliott said. “There wasn’t a close finish at all, and there wasn’t a whole lot of action during the race. Nowadays, everybody knows the best battles in NASCAR happen on Twitter.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2 at Richmond was on his way to his fifth win of the year before a late caution flipped his fate. Kyle Larson beat Truex out of the pits and pulled away on the restart, while Truex tangled with Denny Hamlin and crashed. Truex finished 20th.

    “Of course I’m disappointed,” Truex said, “but I’ll have a twenty-point lead over Kyle Larson once the Chase starts at Chicagoland. So I like where I’m sitting, mostly because of the ‘cushion’ I’m sitting on.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson beat Martin Truex Jr. out of the pits on the final caution and jumped ahead on the restart, easily claiming the Federated Auto Parts 400, his fourth win of the season.

    “I’d like to thank my pit crew for their fast work,” Larson said. “But mostly I’d like to thank Derrick Cope for causing that final caution. I should invite him to Victory Lane, but I doubt he remembers how to get there.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch took the first stage at Richmond and came home with a ninth-place finish.

    “Denny Hamlin got busted for using illegal suspensions at Darlington,” Busch said. “Not just his Monster Energy Cup car, but his XFINITY Series car as well. Denny was stunned, but he had no choice but to ‘absorb the shock’ of the ramifications.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Richmond as the regular season came to a close.

    “I had my win at Darlington encumbered because of illegal suspension,” Hamlin said. “That means I get to keep the trophy, but I’m stripped of the bonus points. Plus, I have to drive with a vanity license plate that reads ‘NCUMBRD.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 15th at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup in sixth, 38 points behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “Hey,” Harvick said, “what’s with an ambulance on the track at Richmond? I know NASCAR ratings are hurting, but is this their way of ‘reviving’ the sport?”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth at Richmond, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

    “I’ll start the Chase For The Cup in fifth,” Johnson said. “I’m not feeling any pressure. I’ve won seven Cup championships, so I don’t plan on changing anything about my preparation, except maybe adding a cheat sheet inside the cockpit that explains how to advance in the Chase.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led nine laps and finished 11th at Richmond.

    “There really should be two Penske Racing drivers in the Chase For The Cup,” Keselowski said. “But, upon further inspection, I realize that Joey Logano won’t be part of the Chase.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth ran into the back of Clint Bowyer with 143 laps remaining after an ambulance inexplicably blocked the entrance to pit road. Kenseth eventually finished 38th but still qualified for the Chase.

    “Kudos to that ambulance driver,” Kenseth said, “for arriving before the accident even happened.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 14th and qualified for the Chase For The Cup, where he will start 16th, 50 points behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “I’m a serious long shot to win the Monster Energy Cup championship,” McMurray said. “A 100 to 1 long shot to be exact. That means you can bet $1 on me, and if I win, you would win $100. A safer bet, however, would be to take that $1 and spend it on an item from McDonald’s Dollar Menu. Consider my sponsor obligations fulfilled.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 10th at Richmond, posting his 14th top 10 of the season.

    “The race in Richmond was called the ‘Federated Auto Parts 400,’” Elliott said. “Let’s just be glad it wasn’t called the ‘Con-Federated Auto Parts 400.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex won Stages 1 and 2 at Darlington before his attempts to hold off the charging Denny Hamlin failed due to a right-front tire failure. Truex finished eighth.

    “I did, however, clinch NASCAR’s regular season title,” Truex said. “And if I fail to win the Monster Energy Cup championship, it will also be just another ‘regular’ season.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Darlington as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin took the win.

    “The Monster Energy Cup championship trophy weighs 70 pounds,” Busch said. “That sure is heavy. But some burdens are worth carrying. Just ask my car owner Joe Gibbs.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: After missing pit road on lap 315, Hamlin recovered and tracked down Martin Truex, Jr. to take the win in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “I felt terrible after missing pit road,” Hamlin said. “Let me tell you, missing the pits is the pits.

    “The No. 11 Toyota was sporting the Sport Clips paint scheme. It was ‘Throwback Weekend’ at Darlington, but if you would have seen those colors, you would have thought it was ‘Throw Up Weekend.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Darlington and piloted the No. 4 Busch Beer Chevrolet to a ninth-place finish.

    “As you could see by the car paint schemes,” Harvick said, “it was ‘Throwback Weekend” at Darlington. Even NASCAR fans got into the theme, wearing clothes that were fashionable thirty years ago. Then again, maybe those fans had no idea it was ‘Throwback Weekend.’”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 14th in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “It was an incredible feat for Denny Hamlin to run down Martin Truex Jr. like he did to get the win,” Larson said. “Especially after making such a boneheaded error when he missed pit lane. I hear Denny is fond of playing basketball; he must be a pretty good ‘rebounder.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth placed sixth at Darlington as three Joe Gibbs Racing cars finished in the top six.

    “The fourth JGR driver is Daniel Suarez,” Kenseth said. “We just found out Subway terminated its four-race sponsorship of Daniel because of a pre-race segment in July in which he handed out Dunkin’ Donuts to fans. I guess in Subway sponsorship, there are Do’s and Don’t’s, and donuts are a don’t.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Darlington, and hasn’t won since taking the checkers at Dover in early June.

    “The No. 48 paint scheme was a tribute to the design on the Lowe’s trucks in 1986,” Johnson said. “As I’ve said often this year, my car drives like a truck.

    “I attended the ‘Burning Man’ music festival with my wife. I couldn’t believe I was actually there. I imagine I said the same thing as a dude who wakes up in a NASCAR infield after a night of partying and questionable hookups: “It’s burning, man!”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “The No. 2 Ford was sporting the throwback Miller Genuine Draft paint scheme,” Keselowski said. “Most people are used to seeing me in the Miller Lite paint scheme. That’s the car that made Rusty Wallace famous, and, in turn, made Ryan Newman angry.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray piloted the No. 1 McDonald’s Chevrolet to a 10th-place finish at Darlington, posting his

    “Thirteen drivers have clinched playoff spots,” McMurray said. “Currently, Chase Elliott, myself, and Matt Kenseth hold the final three spots. We three are all hoping for nothing to change as a result of what happens at Richmond, like, some driver way down in the standings taking a surprising win. In other words, if Elliott, Kenseth, and I are pulling for anyone, it’s for the ‘status quo’ to take the win.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer’s engine blew 18 laps in at Darlington and he finished 40th.

    “I’m in a must-win situation at the final regular season race at Richmond,” Bowyer said. “That’s called a ‘win and you’re in’ situation, as opposed to a ‘spin and Martin Truex, Jr. is in’ situation.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 21st at Bristol, his first finish outside the top six since a 33rd at Indianapolis.

    “What a run by my Furniture Row Racing teammate Erik Jones,” Truex said. “He almost won the race. Now, there were a lot of drivers pulling for Erik not to win the race. We call them ‘losers,’ or, in the case of Joey Logano, ‘encumbered losers.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race on Saturday night to complete the Bristol sweep after winning the Camping World Truck race on Wednesday and the XFINITY Series race on Friday.

    “I celebrated with a broom atop my car,” Busch said. “That cleaning implement comes in handy when you win all three races at a track, but the broom is especially handy when you need to sweep my bratty behavior under the rug.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson led 70 laps and finished ninth at Bristol.

    “Kyle Busch was pretty much unstoppable,” Larson said. “You could say he was on a mission. On the contrary, when Kyle acts up and his sponsor threatens to pull their support, Kyle handles that by going on a ‘mission to Mars.’”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth in the Food City 500

    “Kyle Busch swept all three NASCAR series races at Bristol,” Harvick said. “That means you heard his name mentioned continuously throughout our time here in Bristol. It probably sounded like this: ‘Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’ Consider that my least favorite sponsor promo.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Bristol, posting his ninth top-five of the season.

    “Kyle Busch just dominated the week at Bristol,” Hamlin said. “But the fans at Bristol weren’t too receptive of his success. Some of the fans were even booing him. That’s shocking, because I know Kyle, and all of those fans should be booing.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth battled for the win at Bristol before eventually finishing fourth.

    “Luckily for me,” Kenseth said, “Erik Jones didn’t win the race. You know, Erik is taking over the No. 20 car next year. Frankly, I’m stunned. But it could be worse. When someone tells you you’re being replaced by a 21-year-old, I’d much rather it be a car owner than a wife.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Bristol and is now 11th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Luckily,” Johnson said, “my three wins guarantee me a spot in the Chase For The Cup. That makes me a lock for the Chase. My seven championships make me a virtual lock for the Cup title. And all my opponents know that me winning is a virtual reality.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 29th at Bristol.

    “I’m shutting down my Camping World trucks team after this season,” Keselowski said. “Kyle Busch can have his broom; I have an axe.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th at Bristol.

    “I’m currently holding on to the 16th and final playoff spot,” McMurray said. “Ideally, I’d want my standing to be a little more secure. But I guess I can’t complain. McDonald’s may be loving it; I’m just liking it.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 19th at Bristol and sits 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I thought it was cool that the Bristol fans spelled out ‘Thank You Dale Jr’ with cards before the race,” Bowyer said. “It’s clear evidence that NASCAR fans can spell.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2, his 15th stage win of the season, and finished second at Michigan, passed on the final restart by a bold move from Kyle Larson. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings, and also leads with 35 playoff points.

    “My Furniture Row Racing teammate Erik Jones restarted right beside me in second,” Truex said, “but Larson forced his way between us anyway. All this time I thought Carl Edwards was the best at driving a wedge between teammates.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson went from fourth to first on the final restart to take the win in the Pure Michigan 400, his third consecutive win at Michigan.

    “I went right between Martin Truex Jr. and Erik Jones,” Larson said. “I’m no expert in math or Roman numerals, but if you take 78 and 77, divide them by 42, you get ‘V.’ That’s ‘V’ for victory.”

    3. Kyle Busch: A costly penalty ruined Busch’s chances of a win at Michigan. He was sent to the rear of the field at the start of the second stage after he pitted while pit road was closed. He still finished a solid 10th and is third in the points standings.

    “My spotter told me pit road was open,” Busch said. “He was wrong. Now I’m going to play the role of spotter. You see my spotter there? He’s a moron.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 13th at Michigan.

    “I said Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s popularity had ‘stunted’ the growth of NASCAR,” Harvick said. “And, in saying so, I may have stumbled upon the reason Junior is so popular—-he’s not an a-hole.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 16th in the Pure Michigan 400.

    “Kyle Busch called Brad Keselowski a ‘moron,’” Hamlin said, “and everyone is making a big deal about it. It’s not. I’ve been a teammate of Kyle’s for 10 years now; being called a ‘moron?’ That’s a compliment.”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 19th at Michigan and has not posted a top-10 result in his last four races.

    “24, 21, 19,” Johnson said. “No, those aren’t my last three finishes. Those are the ages of my Hendrick Motorsports teammates in 2018.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started from the pole at Michigan and led 105 laps only to finish 17th at Michigan.

    “Our pit strategy left a lot to be desired,” Keselowski said. “In fact, a lot of people were questioning our decisions. Many called it ‘stupid.’ Others called it ‘idiotic.’ One even called it ‘moronic.’”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished ninth at Michigan, recording his 12th top 10 of the season.

    “The Chevy Camaro is coming to NASCAR next year,” McMurray said. “That was big news in Michigan, where Chevrolet is headquartered. As announcements go that sent chills down the spines of Michiganites, it was a distant second to the news that Kid Rock is running for US Senate.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was in third place with two laps to go before a tire issue dropped him to a 24th-place finish at Michigan.

    “I still have a 31-point cushion over Clint Bowyer,” Kenseth said. “That’s should be enough to get me in the Chase. So, I know where I’ll be in three weeks; I just don’t know where I’ll be next year.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished a disappointing 23rd at Michigan and failed to make up any ground in his quest to make the Chase For The Cup.

    “Like Kevin Harvick,” Bowyer said, “I chose to open my mouth and be critical of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Maybe I should spend more time trying to make the Chase than voicing my unwanted opinion. My foot is obviously better served on the gas pedal than in my mouth.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex held off Matt Kenseth to win the I Love New York 355 At The Glen, earning his fourth win of the season. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 16 over Kyle Busch.

    “We were able to conserve enough fuel to pull out the win,” Truex said. “In doing so, we had to let some cars pass us for the lead. That wasn’t easy. It’s hard for someone payed to go fast to let up off the gas pedal for any reason. But it’s also just another example of how I win with ‘ease.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Watkins Glen, his third straight pole, and finished a disappointing seventh.

    “I was basically ran off the track by Brad Keselowski at the Bus Stop chicane on lap 45,” Busch said. “It was clearly Brad’s fault and I was furious. Chalk it up to another chapter in the Busch-Keselowski rivalry. With so many chapters, there should be a book. And that makes sense, because as today’s NASCAR feuds go, it’s all words and no action.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th in the I Love New York 355.

    “I was involved in a pit road wreck with Brett Moffitt,” Harvick said. “I’m not sure what Brett Moffitt was doing on pit road, much less on pit road in a race car.”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 23rd at Watkins Glen and has finished 23rd or worse in his last three races.

    “I was docked 30 minutes of practice at Watkins Glen for doing a burnout after a lug nut inspection at Pocono,” Larson said. “That was just me venting my frustration at being subjected to another inspection. I find inspections ‘de-grading,’ especially since I don’t pass them.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Watkins Glen despite having to go to the rear at the start due to a brake issue that arose during qualifying.

    “I guess we pulled one out of my backside,” Hamlin said. “And on a similar note, doctors will soon pull one out of my wife’s front side.”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 29th at Watkins Glen.

    “Kasey Kahne won’t return to Hendrick Motorsports in 2018,” Johnson said. “That’s kind of surprising coming after his win at Indianapolis, which many thought would be a vital bargaining chip for an extension. Unfortunately, it seems in contract negotiations, Mighty Kasey struck out.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led with three laps to go at Watkins Glen and finished 15th as Martin Truex, Jr. took the win.

    “If my fuel gauge could speak,” Keselowski said, “it would have said ‘E.’ Since I can speak, I said ‘F.’ In addition, I had a run-in with Kyle Busch halfway through the race. As you would expect, Kyle’s going to give me ‘H.’”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 14th at Watkins Glen.

    “Kyle Busch and Brad Keselowski are at it again,” McMurray said. “They had another incident on the track, and now everybody’s wondering if retaliation is in the future. This thing could come to a head soon. Usually, when something ‘comes to a head’ and a Busch brother is involved, the thing ‘coming to a head’ is someone’s fist to Kurt’s.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took the runner-up spot at Watkins Glen to Martin Truex, Jr. as Toyota’s capture the top 4 spots. Kenseth currently holds the final Chase For The Cup playoff spot over Clint Bowyer.

    “Joe Gibbs Racing put four cars in the top 7,” Kenseth said. “That says a lot about Japanese automakers. They’ve been telling us they can make the quickest cars. When people say the Japanese talk fast, they’re not kidding.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home fifth at Watkins Glen to keep his chances for making the Chase For The Cup alive. He faces a 28-point deficit to Matt Kenseth for the current final playoff spot.

    “I have plenty of time,” Bowyer said. “As the saying goes, ‘It ain’t over until the hefty Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan in the tube top and Daisy Dukes standing atop the Port-A-Potty in the infield sings.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished third at Pocono as Kyle Busch won from the pole. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 48 over Kyle Larson.

    “Kyle was just unstoppable today,” Truex said. “Somebody should tell Kyle ‘Way to go,’ but it won’t be me or any member of my pit crew, especially two of my tire changers that are suspended. That’s because Kyle’s crew chief Adam Stevens had a confrontation with my pit crew at Indianapolis. While Kyle and I made fire, Adam and my crew made fireworks.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the pole for the Overton’s 400 at Pocono and led 74 laps on his way to the win, snapping a 36-race winless streak and winning for the first time at Pocono.

    “It feels great to do a burn out,” Busch said, “as opposed to being ‘burned out’ of my car. Ironically, I’ve been ‘spinning my wheels’ all year.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Pocono, posting his eighth top 5 of the year, and is now third in the points standings, 97 out of first.

    “That makes four runner-up finishes in my career at Pocono,” Harvick said. “If you think I’m disappointed about that, I ‘second’ that emotion. And trust me, I know disappointment. It permeates my household, in fact. Much of the disappointment stems from the fact that I’m known there as ‘three-inch Kevin Harvick.’”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson lost his drive shaft early at Pocono, necessitating a lengthy trip to the garage before returning to claim a 33rd-place finish.

    “What’s worse than losing a drive shaft?” Larson said. “Losing a sponsor. Target will no longer sponsor the No. 42 car next year. They’re moving sponsorship from racing to soccer. At least, that’s their goal. It’s seems the red on the red car has been red-carded.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Contact with Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kasey Kahne sent Johnson into the wall on lap 57, ending his day at Pocono. Johnson eventually finished 35th.

    “Kasey had a huge win the previous week at Indianapolis,” Johnson said. “He apparently was still riding that wave of momentum when he slid up the track and got into me.

    “But it was just a racing incident. And let me define ‘racing incident’ for you: it’s when there’s an accident that doesn’t involve cars bursting into flames, a crew chief mouthing off with members of an opposing crew, and a race team unfairly disciplining just one of the involved parties.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took fifth in the Overton’s 400, recording his series-best 11th top 5 of the season.

    “Penske Racing is adding a third car in 2018,” Keselowski said, “and Ryan Blaney will be the driver. Ryan is a great guy, and one of the best things he has going for him is that his father is Dave Blaney, and not Tom Logano. Tom Logano is the Lavar Ball of NASCAR.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 18 laps and finished fourth at Pocono, as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch took the victory.

    “Kyle Busch was the class of the field,” Hamlin said. “That’s saying something, because it’s not often you can use the words ‘class’ and ‘Kyle Busch’ in a sentence. Now, using ‘Kyle Busch’ and a word that rhymes with class in the same sentence, that’s another story altogether.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray started third at Pocono but finished a disappointing 26th.

    “The No. 1 McDonald’s Chevrolet was handicapped by transmission issues,” McMurray said. “That caused a lot of smoke to enter the cockpit. It’s doubly disappointing because at Pocono in June, I wrecked with Jimmie Johnson and my car burst into flames. As the saying goes, ‘Where there’s smoke, there was fire.’”

    9. Chase Elliott: Eliott finished tenth at Pocono and remains winless on the season.

    “I know I don’t necessarily have to win to make the Chase For The Cup,” Elliott said, “but it would sure make things easier. But sometimes just the mere pressure of knowing you need a victory can hinder, impede, and hamper you from doing just that. A lot of drivers, Joey Logano included, call that an ‘encumbered win.’”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer scored a solid day at Pocono, winning Stage 2 on his way to a sixth-place finish. He is tenth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Thirteen different drivers have posted victories this year,” Bowyer said. “That means there are only three spots in the Chase For The Cup up for grabs. People who know me understand that I’m willing to go to great lengths to secure one of those spots, for me or for a teammate.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex and Kyle Busch wrecked as they battled for the lead on a restart with 50 laps remaining at Indianapolis. Both cars were unable to continue, and Truex’s No. 78 became engulfed in flames. Truex finished 33rd.

    “Oddly enough,” Truex said, “Kyle was ‘on fire’ before that. He won the first two stages and was well on his way to winning the race.

    “The wreck was my fault; I won’t lie and say it wasn’t. And given my penchant for collecting extra points for stage wins and whatnot, I have to ask, do I get bonus points for honesty?”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 28th at Indianapolis after a late crash that sent the No. 42 Target Chevrolet into the wall and into flames.

    “Thankfully,” Larson said, “I was able to escape the flames. In most cases, I only get burned by NASCAR inspectors.

    “The race was quite boring until about 20 laps remaining. Much like my cars, the Brickyard 400 is famous for its lack of ‘passing.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the front row alongside pole sitter Kyle Busch and finished sixth, posting his 13th top 10 of the year.

    “My spotter had his credential revoked after he tossed a sandwich and it fell off the top of Indy’s Pagoda,” Harvick said. “Joey Logano’s family had quite a scare when reports stated ‘Sliced Bread Thrown From Indianapolis Motor Speedway Pagoda.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch’s quest for a third-straight Brickyard 400 victory ended when he crashed with Martin Truex Jr. on a restart with 50 laps to go.

    “Before that fateful restart,” Busch said, “Truex and I played a game of ‘Deal Or No Deal.’ However, instead of finding out what was behind the door, we both found out what was behind the wall.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started at the rear of the field after a transmission change and was battling for the lead late when he crashed as his engine smoked after the restart following the races 11th caution. Johnson finished 27th.

    “I went three-wide with Kasey Kahne and Brad Keselowski late in the race at Indianapolis,” Johnson said. “It was basically a game of chicken. I guess I lost, but that’s okay because my seven Cup titles make this chicken the most likely to get ‘roasted’ at the NASCAR awards banquet.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Kasey Kahne beat Keselowski into Turn 1 on the final restart and won the Brickyard 400 under caution. Keselowski finished second.

    “When all was said and done,” Keselowski said, “most drivers had spent over six hours in their cars. That’s way longer than most fans spent in their seats.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Indianapolis, one lap down to the leaders.

    “My Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch said he had a ride lined up for the Indianapolis 500 back on Memorial Day weekend,” Hamlin said. “But Joe Gibbs refused to let Kyle run. I think if you asked Joe, he would tell you that Kyle may be a gigantic ass, but he’s an even more gigantic asset.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray came home 15th in the hot and grueling Brickyard 400.

    “The race was a marathon,” McMurray said. “By that, I mean the final 26 miles lasted over two hours.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 39th in the Brantley Gilbert Big Machine 400 at Indianapolis after blowing an engine just 18 laps into the race.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be joining the NBC booth next year as a race analyst,” Elliott said. “To the legions of Earnhardt Jr. fans out there, NBC will heretofore be known as ‘Junior Station.’”

    10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne outlasted the weather, late crashes, and several restarts to win the Brickyard 400, ending a 102-race winless streak.

    “After a long hot day at Indianapolis,” Kahne said, “I stole a win and got to kiss the bricks. You could say I made out like a bandit.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and finished third at New Hampshire, posting his seventh top five of the season. He leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 38 points.

    “Toyota’s led 290 of 301 laps on Sunday,” Truex said. “That should be alarming to U.S. manufacturers. They used to dominate NASCAR. Gosh, if only someone would take it upon themselves to ‘Make America Great Again.’”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson won the pole but had it stripped after failing post-qualifying inspection.

    “It was not a good week for me and inspections,” Larson said. “Earlier in the week, I was penalized 35 points for using an illegal rear brake cooling assembly at Kentucky. I profess my innocence, though. To use an overused term, this reeks of a ‘witch hunt,’ and my car is the ‘Target.’”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the Overton 301 at New Hampshire, recording his seventh top five of the year.

    “NASCAR used a traction compound at New Hampshire in hopes of promoting side-by-side racing,” Harvick said. “This is 2017 New Hampshire—when someone says ‘Put down that sticky icky,’ it’s NASCAR officials and not marijuana regulators.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch started seventh in the Overton 301 and won Stage 2 on his way to a 12th at New Hampshire.

    “I’m frustrated,” Busch said. “I’ve now gone one full year without a win in the Monster Energy Cup series. You could say I’m ‘year-ning’ for a win.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 10th at New Hampshire, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

    “I put myself at a disadvantage from the beginning,” Johnson said. “I was penalized for jumping the start and had to serve a drive-through penalty. As infractions go, my offense was pretty minor. It was a slap on the wrist, which, sadly, is more action than a fight between two of today’s NASCAR drivers.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin held off Kyle Larson to win the Overton 301 at New Hampshire, scoring his first win of the season and first for Joe Gibbs Racing.

    “I could feel Larson breathing down my neck,” Hamlin said, “and, by extension, NASCAR inspectors. Luckily, I kept Larson at bay. So, once again, he didn’t ‘pass.’”

    7. Chase Elliott: Elliott took 11th at New Hampshire as Denny Hamlin tasted victory for the first time this season.

    “Congratulations to Hamlin,” Elliott said. “He won the race and a lobster. Judging by the look on his face, Denny was a little apprehensive about holding that lobster. Of course, what driver is ever totally happy with the ‘handling?’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski bounced back from early trouble in the pits to finish ninth in the Overton’s 301.

    “We managed a good, solid finish,” Keselowski said. “We had some trouble with a jack in the pits, so I guess you would call that an ‘up-and-down’ day.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray started fourth at New Hampshire and finished 17th.

    “My teammate Kyle Larson has failed two inspections in the last week,” McMurray said. “Kyle may be the fastest driver in NASCAR. If there’s a Point A and a Point B, Kyle is always the fastest between the two. That’s usually because he finds a shortcut.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished seventh at New Hampshire, posting his third top 10 in the last four races. He is 10th in the points standings, 232 out of first.

    “Inspections were the big news of the week in NASCAR,” Bowyer said. “I’m well aware of cheating that occurs in NASCAR. After all, I drove for Michael Waltrip Racing. Michael is a man of many talents, and ignoring the rule book is one of them. You could say he ‘wears a lot of pants;’ where the rule book is concerned, however, he wears a ‘skirt.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 152 of 274 laps at Kentucky and easily handled a late restart to win the Quaker State 400.

    “I dominated that race from start to finish,” Truex said. “I won Stage 1 and Stage 2, then completed the day with the victory. Total domination. I whipped the field, which makes me a ‘domina-Truex.’”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson started at the back of the field and charged to the runner-up finish.

    “NASCAR says I passed 90 cars on the night,” Larson said. “That’s a lot of passing. I doubt 90 of anything has been passed in this sport unless you’re talking about Tony Stewart and gas, or Darrell Waltrip and kidney stones.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth in the Quaker State 400, scoring his 11th top-10 result of the year.

    “Nothing against Quaker State,” Harvick said, “but I’m sponsored by Mobil 1. And I’m also sponsored by Busch beer. Mobil 1 makes sure my car is well-oiled. Busch beer makes sure my fans are well-oiled.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Kentucky and came home with a fifth-place finish in the Quaker State 400.

    “Here’s an interesting story,” Busch said. “Greg Biffle’s ex-wife alleges in a lawsuit he had a Roush Fenway Racing employee install cameras in her house without her knowledge, and that Biffle shared the footage with others. In other words, Greg had his ‘peeps’ do it for him. Has he responded to the lawsuit? Nope, not a peep from him.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s night at Kentucky Speedway ended early when he was collected when Brad Keselowski got loose on lap 88. Johnson finished last.

    “I certainly don’t like being last,” Johnson said, “unless it’s at NASCAR’s year-end awards ceremony. Another place I’m last? As an icon in this sport, because I’ve made a ‘last-ing’ impression.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Kentucky, recording his sixth top five of the year and is fifth in the Monster Energy points standings.

    “It was a good finish,” Elliott said, “but I’m still disappointed. I’m looking for my first victory. On the bright side, I didn’t offend anyone by cursing over the radio. So I’ll happily settle for the moral victory.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski got loose on the first lap of the second stage and finished 39th at Kentucky, equalling his worst finish of the year.

    “I was very critical of NASCAR’s car design,” Keselowski said. “And I tweeted as much on Twitter. So, if NASCAR wants to know who says they suck, I guess a little bird told them.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Kentucky.

    “The track at Kentucky Speedway was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “And the fresh pavement didn’t provide a wide enough groove for side-by-side racing. And that made for a boring race. The only racing seen was fans ‘racing’ to the exits.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth in the Quaker State 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing cars went 4-5-6.

    “That’s right,” Hamlin said. “Matt Kenseth was the only JGR driver not to finish in the top 10. And, since Matt is likely not to be back with JGR next season, you could say he’s the odd man out. Because Matt is odd.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer survived contact with Brad Keselowski early at Kentucky and salvaged a 13th in the Quaker State 400.

    “The state of Kentucky is world-renowned for its bourbon,” Bowyer said. “You’ve got Jim Beam, Elijah Craig, and Evan Williams, just to name a few. ‘Clint Bowyer’ would be a perfect name for a new brand of bourbon. I think it would be the finest bourbon in the land. Now, I may be hyping it just because it has my name on, but that wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accused of intentionally ‘spinning.’”