Testing SpeedwayMedia.com

Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson crashed on Lap 193 in the Coke Zero 400 when he slipped in front of Ricky Stenhouse Jr., and the impact briefly sent Larson airborne. Larson finished 20th.

“That’s not the only thing that went airborne,” Larson said. “My testicles went skyward as well. Talk about an ‘aero package.’”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s day at Daytona ended on Lap 71 after he was collected in an accident triggered by Kyle Busch’s spin. Truex finished 34th.

“I was just a victim of circumstances,” Truex said. “And those circumstances involved Kyle Busch spinning out of control. But it could have been worse. The only thing worse that Busch physically spinning out of control is Busch mentally spinning out of control. That happens a lot more.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s Daytona race ended on Lap 106 when he blew a right rear tire and slid into traffic, damaging the No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevrolet. Harvick finished 33rd.

“When you blow a tire at nearly 200 miles per hour,” Harvick said, “there’s not much you can do. You’re basically at the mercy of a car you have no control over. It’s kind of like what driving for Richard Childress Racing must be like today.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Daytona and now holds seventh place in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“I wore a helmet sporting the likenesses of Darrell Waltrip and Bobby Allison,” Johnson said. “They have 84 career Cup wins, and I’m only one win away from joining that group. It’s awesome to be mentioned amongst those two NASCAR legends, but I haven’t let it go to my head…until now, that is.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 20th at Daytona.

“Daniel Suarez really came through on an otherwise tough day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “The rookie finished 17th. Daniel is from Mexico, and his presence in the sport has really opened a new demographic for NASCAR. That’s gonna take your typical NASCAR fan some getting used to. To them, the ‘Hispanic Market’ is a specialized convenience store.”

6. Brad Keselowski: After spinning on a Lap 106 accident, Keselowski hit the wall on lap 118, ending the day for Penske Racing after teammate Joey Logano crashed out on Lap 71.

“Congratulations to Ricky Stenhouse Jr.,” Keselowski said. “That’s his second restrictor-plate race win this season after winning at Daytona. He got a kiss from his girlfriend Danica Patrick in Victory Lane after the race. Danica absolutely loves it when her boyfriend wins, because it gives her a reason to be in Victory Lane.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 22nd in the Coke Zero 400, battling back after a lengthy slide through the grass after contact with Trevor Bayne on Lap 98.

“If you were listening to my radio feed,” Elliott said, “you probably heard me curse when I spun. And if you’re listening to my radio feed, you probably know I just signed a contract extension with Hendrick Motorsports. Together, those two facts mean I’m ‘filthy rich.’”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray survived a chaotic Coke Zero 400 with a 14th at Daytona. He is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 163 out of first.

“There were a number of wrecks that could be classified as the ‘Big One,’” McMurray said. “But let’s not kid ourselves. The real ‘Big One‘ is McDonald’s Dollar Menu. With food that cheap, you really don’t need to restrict anything on your plate.”

9. Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse passed David Ragan with two laps to go and held on to win the Coke Zero 400. It was Stenhouse’s second win this season.

“I was lucky to even be in the race at that point,” Stenhouse said. “Kyle Larson wrecked in front of me on Lap 193, but I didn’t hit him because his car went airborne and sailed over me. I guess that gives new meaning to ‘piloting’ a race car.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took the runner-up spot in the Coke Zero 400 at Daytona, posting his fourth top five of the year.

“Richard Petty turned 80 on July 2nd,” Bowyer said. “Personally, I admire Richard. He drove in an era when drivers were defined by toughness, guts, and a willingness to scrap for every inch. In those days, you had the ‘King;’ these days, Danica Patrick is certainly not the only driver classified as a ‘princess.’”

July 3, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson started from the pole, his fourth of the year, but struggled at Sonoma on his way to a 26th at the California road course.

“Much is said of the elevation changes on Sonoma’s 2.52-mile road course,” Larson said. “I would tend to agree, especially after starting on the pole and finishing 26th. Because apparently, it was all downhill.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 and won the first stage before a late engine failure ended his day at Sonoma. He finished 37th and dropped out of the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“I could tell something was wrong with the car,” Truex said. “It just didn’t sound right. Unlike Ryan Newman, I don’t need a college degree in ‘engine-ear-ing‘ to be able to detect a sour engine with my ears.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took charge late at Sonoma to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350, taking his first win of 2017 and first road course win of his Cup career.

“I had a whopping nine second lead before the race ended under caution,” Harvick said. “That’s certainly not what NASCAR was hoping for. They wanted it ‘closer;’ instead, they got the ‘Closer.’

And speaking of ‘nine seconds,’ I had about that many runner-up finishes last season.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 13th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, and is seventh in the points standings, 176 behind Kyle Larson.

“Chad Knaus had his laptop stolen recently,” Johnson said. “That laptop had his race notes for the race at Sonoma, and we needed those to maximize our performance. So, that made for a very ‘hard drive’ on Sunday.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Sonoma, posting his eighth top-five finish of the season. He is sixth in the points standings, 164 out of first.

“I’m being mentioned as the most likely replacement for Dale Earnhardt Jr. at Hendrick Motorsports,” Keselowski said. “If Penske Racing wants to keep me, then they should pay me what I’m worth. If not, then I’ll be sure to make the move to Hendrick with my belongings in a Penske moving truck.”

6. Kyle Busch: Still in search of his first win this season, Busch finished fifth at Sonoma, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin, who finished fourth, in the top five.

“I’m certainly disappointed,” Busch said. “I’m arguably the most talented driver in NASCAR, yet I don’t have a single win this season. There are 11 drivers with wins this season, and I’m not one of them. So, where victories are concerned, my record, much like my complexion, pales in comparison.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his ninth top 10 of the year with an eighth at Sonoma. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings but has yet to capture a win this season.

“Alon Day became the first Israeli driver to start a race at NASCAR’s highest level,” Elliott said. “That’s great to see. Now, all he needs is a beer sponsor. If there’s not already a low-calorie beer named ‘Israel Lite,’ there needs to be.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray started second at Sonoma alongside Chip Ganassi Racing teammate Kyle Larson and raced to a 10th-place finish in the Monster Energy Cup series first road course race of the season.

“If you’ve ever raced at Sonoma,” McMurray said, “you understand the importance of monitoring your brakes. Brake wear is basically a common thread across all forms of racing. In fact, if you’re a fan of Formula 1, you are no doubt familiar with the impact of ‘brake checking.’”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 after a late charge at Sonoma.

“Former teammate Carl Edwards says he doesn’t miss racing and has no plans to end his retirement,” Hamlin said. “I think that’s smart on Carl’s part. I’m sure if he returned, he would end up retiring once again. Then we could call Carl the ‘cousin twice removed.’”

10. Joey Logano: Logano finished 12th at Sonoma and is now 10th in the points standings.

“Kevin Harvick and Kyle Larson were both born in California,” Logano said. “So both the race winner and pole sitter were very motivated to do well in their home state. Well, the driver known as ‘Sliced Bread’ made a name for himself in the great state of Connecticut. You could say I was born and ‘bread’ there.”

June 27, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Michigan and led 96 laps on his way to the win at Michigan. Larson pulled away from Chase Elliott on a restart with five laps to go to claim his second win of the year.

“That’s my third pole this season,” Larson said. “And it’s the second time I’ve won from the pole this year. In honor of the great Alan Kulwicki, I call doing that a ‘pole-ish victory lap.’”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won the first two stages at Michigan and finished sixth, posting his 11th top 10 of the year.

“I’ve made it a habit of winning two stages in a race but failing to win the race,” Truex said. “As someone who’s never won a Cup championship, I guess that’s called underperforming on the big stage. Maybe I just have a case of stage fright.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started at the rear after a spin in Saturday’s practice ruined his primary car and pulled out a 10th in the FireKeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.

“I signed a contract extension with Hendrick Motorsports through 2020,” Johnson said. “That was definitely a ‘signature’ win for HMS. Hendrick now has me under contract for three more years. The last time a NASCAR driver said he was ‘locked up for three years,’ it was Jeremy Mayfield.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took 14th in the Firekeepers Casino 400, and is fourth in the points standings, 132 out of first.

“I was anything but freaky fast in the No. 4 Jimmy Johns car,” Harvick said. “Unless we’re better in the future, there’s no way we deliver, a sandwich or a win.

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th at Michigan and is now sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“I tangled with Kyle Busch on the first lap of the Xfinity Series race on Saturday,” Keselowski said. “Of course, that’s not the first time that’s happened. I’m not sure what’s clashed more, our cars or our personalities.”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch led late at Michigan but faded to seventh after a late caution did away with his sizable lead. Busch is third in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 130 out of first.

“Once again,” Busch said, “a late caution cost me a chance at the win. I’m beginning to think I’m just cursed. And for that reason, I just cursed.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished second to Kyle Larson for the second consecutive race at Michigan. In August, Larson bested Elliott to win his first career Cup race.

“I just can’t seem to get past Larson at Michigan,” Elliott said. “It seems he has ‘MI’ number.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray bounced back from a 37th at Pocono with a fifth in the FireKeepers Casino 400, scoring his second top five of the season.

“Fifth place was impressive,” McMurray said, “but it certainly wasn’t the biggest story in what was a fairly uneventful race. The big story was Dale Earnhardt Jr. Not necessarily his ninth-place finish, but anytime his crew chief Greg Ives called him in for fresh rubber, or, in other words, when he announced Junior’s ‘re-tire-ment.’”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Michigan as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three drivers in the top 11.

“Once again,” Hamlin said, “a debris caution affected the outcome of the race. Was their actually debris on the track? If you were watching on television, you probably didn’t see any. Trust me, though, there is garbage on the track. It’s called ‘NASCAR’s product.’”

10. Joey Logano: Logano posted his first top-five finish since taking the win at Richmond on April 30.

“Of course,” Logano said, “that win at Richmond didn’t really count because due to a rules violation, it won’t automatically get me into the Chase. You could also say I cheated out a win. You could also say I got cheated out of a win.

“NASCAR calls that an ‘encumbered’ win. ‘Encumbered’ means ‘to restrict or burden (someone or something) in such a way that free action or movement is difficult.’ If you look that word up in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of my dad.”

June 19, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started at the rear of the field due to a gear change and charged to the front to win the AAA 400, his 11th career win at Dover and 83rd career Cup victory, tying Cale Yarborough.

“It’s great to be mentioned in the same sentence with Cale,” Johnson said. “Especially since I was wearing a helmet honoring him. Cale hasn’t gone upside someone’s head like that since he battled the Allison brothers at Daytona back in 1979.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stages 1 and 2 at Dover and finished third as the race ended under caution after a crash shortly after the final restart. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by nine points over Kyle Larson.

“I won two stages,” Truex said, “and Kyle Karson led 241 laps. Yet Jimmie Johnson won the race. As the saying goes, ‘Legend has it.’”

3. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 241 laps, and saw a late caution wreck his hopes for the win at Dover. Larson was enjoying over a two-second lead over Jimmie Johnson when David Ragan hit the wall, bringing out a caution.

“If David Ragan doesn’t wreck,” Larson said, “Johnson doesn’t win. Jimmie got lucky, very lucky. I said Johnson had a golden horseshoe somewhere. I won’t say where it actually is, but I will say Johnson can afford the best proctologist money can buy.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Dover, positing his eighth top 10 of the season. He is third in the points standings, 116 out of first.

“My Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Danica Patrick posted her first top-10 finish since April 2015,” Harvick said. “That’s certainly good news for her future with SHR. As you know, Danica is under contract through next season, but she just lost Nature’s Bakery sponsorship. SHR has a decision to make, and the question is, ‘Is Danica worth the bread?’”

5. Brad Keselowski: For the second week in a row, Keselowski’s was collected in a wreck that ended his day. At Dover, Kurt Busch got loose on lap 66 and hit the wall, leaving Keselowski nowhere to go. Keselowski slammed into Busch and finished 38th.

“If it’s not one Busch brother dropping the mic,” Keselowski said, “it’s another dropping the ball.

“I’ve been critical of Kyle Busch after his abbreviated press conference at Charlotte. Maybe I should be more sympathetic, because if anyone knows how to play the victim, it’s me.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott overcame an early pit road speeding penalty to bring home a fifth-place finish in the AAA 400 at Dover. He is eighth in the points standings, 147 out of first.

“I heard Kyle Busch’s crewman was unscrewing lugnuts when he thought he was tightening them,” Elliott said. “In NASCAR terms, you can say he got a little loose.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano blew his right front tire with 46 laps to go in Stage 2, and limped home to a 25th-place finish at Dover.

“They don’t call Dover the ‘Monster Mile’ for nothing,” Logano said. “It is truly a monster. And trust me, I know a monster when I see one. And that reminds me, Father’s Day is June 18th.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh in the AAA 400 and is now fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 130 out of first.

“Some idiot fan climbed the catchfence during the race,” McMurray said. “And some idiot NASCAR official didn’t even throw a caution flag. And that, in itself, should raise a red flag.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Dover, scoring his sixth top 10 of the year.

“Joe Gibbs Racing has yet to win a race this year,” Hamlin said. “And the pressure is on us to win, especially Kyle Busch. So don’t put a mic in his hands until you put a trophy in his hands.”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Dover, but disaster struck early, when after his first pit stop, his left rear wheel fell off. Miraculously, Busch recovered from that incident, but fell two laps down late before scrambling to finish 16th.

“Our pit crewman was actually unscrewing the lug nuts,” Busch said. “That’s shocking. But the biggest surprise was even with the unscrewing, I didn’t come ‘unhinged.’

“Obviously, I need to work on my attitude. Still others think my sponsors and bosses should not be so easy to brush off my behavior. So, I guess they need to work on their latitude.”

June 5, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 233 laps and won Stage 2 on his way to a third-place finish in the Coca-Cola 600.

“That’s the third consecutive year I’ve led the most laps in the Coke 600,” Truex said, “and all I have to show for it is one win and a lousy t-shirt.”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson started at the rear of the Coca-Cola 600 after he failed to pass inspection in time for a qualifying lap. He raced as high as third before scraping the wall on lap 153, then smacked the wall harder 45 laps later, which ended his day. He finished 33th and dropped out of the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“By the time I passed inspection,” Larson said, “I didn’t have time to turn a qualifying lap. In a sport based on speed, I guess we first need to be faster at passing inspection.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson ran out of gas two laps from the finish, which allowed Austin Dillon to win his first Cup race. Johnson finished 17th.

“Much like my fuel intake system,” Johnson said, “this sucks. But congratulations go to Dillon. He really proved he belongs with the big boys. You know, a lot of people thought he got a NASCAR ride only because of Richard Childress. I think that’s called being ‘grandfathered in.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s Charlotte experience ended abruptly when he rear-ended Chase Elliott, whose No. 24 slowed dramatically after running over a piece of debris from Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car. Keselowski finished 39th.

“I’m not sure what piece came off of Earnhardt’s car,” Keselowski said. “But knowing it came from Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car, I’m guessing it was a piece of junk.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Charlotte and finished eighth despite dealing with a loose wheel early in the race, then a spin caused by some fluid on the track.

“Congratulations to Austin Dillon and Richard Childress,” Harvick said. “I know the importance of winning as an RCR driver. Whenever I won in an RCR car, both Richard and I celebrated. So the partying may have been mutual, but the parting was not.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott crashed out early at Charlotte when he ran over a piece of Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car and was subsequently smashed from behind by Brad Keselowski. Elliott finished 38th.

“It’s not the first time an Earnhardt has disappointed a fan base this season,” Elliott said.

7. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th at Charlotte and is sixth in the points standings, 106 out of first.

“Austin Dillon and his team made all the right calls,” McMurray said. “And it’s good to see the No. 3 in Victory Lane. But I don’t think anyone is going to start calling Dillon ‘The Intimidator’ anytime soon. Based on his fuel mileage victory, I think a more fitting nickname would be the ‘Fume-igator.’”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 21st at Charlotte, one lap down, and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“It wasn’t the best of days for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “First, neither Will Power nor Helio Castroneves won at Indianapolis. Brad Keselowski and I? We didn’t have any luck ‘In-dy Car’ either.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch likely had the fastest car on the track but finished a disappointing second to Austin Dillon, who successfully gambled on fuel strategy to capture the win.

“Leave it to a Busch brother to be ornery after a second-place finish,” Busch said. “As it was, I came up short, in the race and in the post-race press conference.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 14th at Charlotte and is now ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 343 out of first.

“Channing Tatum gave the command to start the engines,” Bowyer said. “Tatum was in Charlotte to promote his movie, ‘Logan Lucky,’ which takes place at Charlotte Motor Speedway and involves some type of robbery during the Coca- Cola 600. I think Austin Dillon will serve as a special consultant because he stole the race on Sunday.”

May 29, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth in the GoBowling.com 400, posting his seventh top 10 of the season. He leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 44 over Martin Truex Jr.

“That was quite a fiery crash involving Joey Logano, Danica Patrick, and Aric Almirola,” Larson said. “My prayers are with Aric, but mostly with Danica, because according to her interview, she’s the real victim.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 104 laps and pulled away on the final restart to win the GoBowling.com 400 at Kansas.

“My car was super on restarts,” Truex said. “In a race that took place in the heart of the Great Plains, you would expect a lot of people to get ‘dusted.’

“We were untouchable. No one behind us had a chance. Anytime there was a restart, the No. 78 Toyota told everyone else to say ‘hello’ to ‘goodbye.’”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recovered from falling two laps down to take the runner-up spot at Kansas.

“I probably did more passing on the track than anyone else,” Keselowski said. “In fact, it was easy. As a driver for Penske Racing, it’s ‘passing’ off the track that isn’t so easy. Just look at our inspection record.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was headed for a likely top-10 finish before a spin with four laps remaining relegated him to a 24th at Kansas.

“I had a number of problems,” Johnson said. “One was a penalty for driving through too many pit stalls. Another was making contact with Kurt Busch. That’s never a good thing. I should have remembered the advice once given to me about Kurt long ago: ‘It’s best to steer clear of Kurt Busch, on the track and in life.’ That’s sage advice, and I’m not sure who it came from, a fellow driver, or one of Kurt’s former girlfriends.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott found trouble early at Kansas when he rammed into Michael McDowell’s No. 95 as Elliott was leaving pit road. Elliott’s No. 24 car suffered significant damage and he limped home to a 29th-place finish.

“It was totally my fault,” Elliott said. “Had I used my rear-view mirror, I’m sure I could have avoided the accident. Me not using my mirror? Well, that reflects badly on me.”

6. Joey Logano: A brake failure with 67 laps to go caused Logano to veer into the path of Danica Patrick and both slammed the wall, and both were then smacked by Aric Almirola’s sliding No. 43. Logano finished 37th.

“There was nothing I could do,” Logano said. “Thus, we were all unlucky. But I was the unluckiest because I had to ride in the back of an ambulance with Danica. That’s the last place I want to be. Can you blame me, though? Apparently, Danica can. If blame were wins, she’d be undefeated.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started eighth and finished third at Kansas, posting his fourth top five of the season.

“I really had to work hard for that third place finish,” Harvick said. “You could say I gave it my all. That’s not quite how it is when I film commercials. You certainly don’t get all of Kevin Harvick; heck, you’re lucky if you get three inches of Kevin Harvick. Some people say that three inches of Kevin Harvick is still a good day.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished eighth at Kansas, recording his seventh top 10 of the year. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“That was a scary crash involving Joey Logano, Danica Patrick, and Aric Almirola,” McMurray said. “It sounded and looked like Patrick thought Logano was at fault. In fact, she threw a ‘guilty party’ in his honor.”

9. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.: One week after winning at Talladega, Stenhouse finished 11th at Kansas.

“My girlfriend Danica Patrick took a big hit in her wreck,” Stenhouse said. “She’s okay because she’s one tough cookie. Luckily, she doesn’t have a concussion. That’s due in part to NASCAR’s stringent safety procedures, but due mostly to the fact that she has the hardest head in this sport.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took ninth in the GoBowling.com 400 at Kansas.

“NASCAR told Carl Long he couldn’t have a marijuana vape shop sponsor on his car,” Bowyer said. “That sponsorship went up in smoke. I can’t believe NASCAR could be so uptight. I’ve always said, you can’t spell ‘NASCAR’ without ‘NARC.’”

May 15, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson found trouble early at Talladega when he made contact with Jamie McMurray, which cut a tire on the No. 42 Target Chevrolet. Larson recovered and worked his way up to a 12th-place finish as Ricky Stenhouse Jr. took the win.

“Great race by Ricky,” Larson said. “His father, Ricky Stenhouse Sr. was briefly taken into police custody when he tried to reach Victory Circle via a route that allowed no pedestrians. Police eventually realized he was related, and he was released, only to arrive in Victory Circle to find someone else, Danica Patrick to be exact, ‘having relations’ with his son. Okay, so maybe they were just kissing.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Like many top drivers, Truex was caught in the “Big One,” a lap 171 melee triggered by contact from A.J. Allmendinger on Chase Elliott.

“I was asked to describe Talladega in three words,” Truex said. “I responded ‘Good, bad, and ugly.’ That was a Clint Eastwood movie. I think a more fitting title would have been ‘Sudden Impact.’ Or better yet, ‘Any Which Way You Can,’ or ‘Every Which Way But Loose.’”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth in the Geico 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“Everybody knew the ‘Big One’ was coming,” Johnson said. “NASCAR chairman Brian France likes to refer to himself as the ‘Big One.’ NASCAR drivers, on the other hand, like to say the ‘Big One’ when referring to France’s second chin.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 1 at Talladega and survived the “Big One” with 20 laps to go on his way to a seventh in the Geico 500.

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr. gave Roush Fenway Racing its first win since June of 2014,” Keselowski said. “It appears Jack Roush is relevant again. He even congratulated Stenhouse. In other words, Jack finally took his hat off.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott was running second on lap 171 when he was bumped by A.J. Allmendinger, sending Elliott’s No. 24 Hooter’s car into oncoming traffic.

“I nearly went airborne,” Elliott said. “And speaking of instances where gravity seems to briefly be suspended, how about the Hooter’s sponsorship on my car? Come to Hooter’s and you’ll see not one, but several ‘Big Ones.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano’s day ended in a huge crash with 20 laps to go at Talladega, leaving him with a disappointing 32nd-place finish.

“We had a car that was capable of winning,” Logano said, “but circumstances beyond my control prevented that. Honestly, I felt like I was cheated.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was a victim of Talladega’s lap 171 crash that involved 18 cars. Harvick eventually finished 23rd.

“It was pure car-nage,” Harvick said. “There’s only one thing worse than being involved in the ‘Big One,’ and that’s knowing it’s coming and not being able to do anything about it. So, in addition to cars, nerves are wrecked as well.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 48 laps, and seemed headed to the win until Ricky Stenhouse Jr. passed him for the win on the final lap. Busch finished third and is 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“We clearly had the best car in the field,” Busch said. “Unfortunately, the No. 18 Skittles Toyota doesn’t have a win to show for it. If there’s a slogan for our performance, it would be ‘Skittles: Waste the rainbow.’”

9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished second at Talladega as Ricky Stenhouse Jr. won his first Monster Energy Cup race. McMurray is fifth in the points standings, 110 behind Kyle Larson,

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s win will be a life-changer,” McMurray said. “This could be the first of many wins to come for him. On the other hand, it could the only win of his career. In that case, he will always remember the ‘Big One’ at Talladega.”

10.(tie) Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse passed Kyle Busch with a lap remaining in an overtime finish at Talladega. It was Stenhouse’s first Monster Energy Cup series victory.

“I was met in Victory Lane with a kiss from Danica Patrick,” Stenhouse said. “I guess you could say I made out like a winner. And, as an added benefit to everyone, our lips were locked, so Danica couldn’t talk.”

10.(tie) Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 14th in the Geico 500 and is ninth in the points standings, 85 out of first.

“I’m just glad I made it through the race with my car in one piece,” Bowyer said. “There are a lot of drivers who can’t say that. The one thing that broke loose on their cars was ‘all hell.’”

May 9, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson stayed out during the final caution while Joey Logano pitted for four tires. The gamble did not pay off for Larson, and Logano made quick work on his way to the win. Larson faded to 14th.

“I guess we should have pitted for tires,” Larson said. “But as you know, hindsight is 20/20. Hindsight is also what I saw in my rearview mirror. And, in that instance, hindsight is Joey Logano.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano pulled away on a restart with 20 laps to go and secured the victory in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

“We may not have had the fastest car,” Logano said, “but we won nonetheless. I owe it all to my team. They all worked together to make it happen. I haven’t seen teamwork like that since all my guys laid on top of Kyle Busch after he took a swing at me.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex posted his sixth top-10 finish of the year with a 10th in the Toyota Owners 400. He moved up one spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings to second, 40 points behind Kyle Larson.

“I was penalized for what NASCAR calls a ‘commitment line violation,’” Truex said. “If you ask me what I think of the rule, I might be penalized with what NASCAR calls an ‘FCC’ violation.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th despite crashing Dale Earnhardt Jr. on lap 343, when Johnson drifted up the track and into Earnhardt’s No. 88 Chevrolet.

“I had no idea Junior was there,” Johnson said. “Not to my immediate right, but in second place!”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled at Richmond, finishing 24th for his worst result of the year. He is third in the points standings, 52 out of first.

“The hot topic at Richmond was Jimmie Johnson wrecking Dale Earnhardt Jr.,” Elliott said. “It was totally unintentional. And Jimmie has apologized profusely, seven times to be exact.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 110 laps at Richmond but was bested by his Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who passed Keselowski on a restart while Keselowski battled Kyle Busch.

“We clearly had the best car in the field,” Keselowski said, “but circumstances didn’t work in our favor. I got stuck behind some slower cars. One of those happened to win the race.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond, posting his third top five of the season.

“Brian France addressed the drivers before the race about retirement,” Harvick said. “You could feel the electricity in the air; that is until France revealed he was talking about Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s retirement and not his own.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth at Richmond and is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 116 out of first.

“Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s absence next year will leave a void for the people of Junior Nation,” McMurray said. “But if there’s one thing Junior fans know how to do, it’s ‘fill a void,’ often involving a liver or countless other body parts.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond, recording his best finish since a sixth at Las Vegas.

“I said there was a 50 percent chance that Carl Edwards will be back in 2018,” Hamlin said. “That also means there’s a 50 percent chance Carl won’t be back in 2018. And I’m 100 percent sure I prefer that latter scenario.”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished seventh at Richmond, posting his third top 10 of the year.

“Joey Logano ran a great race,” Newman said. “And I wanted to offer him my congratulations after the race, but I know Joey is wary of me walking up to him with an arm extended. So, the situation called for a reacharound.”

May 2, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson won the rain-delayed Food City 500 at Bristol, earning his second consecutive win this season and 82nd in his career.

“I was really concerned with the grip on the track after race officials put down a traction compound,” Johnson said. “But my crew chief Chad Knaus alleviated my fears. Chad has a way with words; he also has a way with ‘sentences,’ as his history of being punished by NASCAR for rules infractions can attest.”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson started from the pole, dominated Stage 1, and ultimately finished sixth after a late pit road speeding penalty damaged his chances for a win.

“NASCAR is a sport made exciting by speeds approaching 200 miles per hour,” Larson said, “and made boring by speeds approaching 45 miles per hour.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 116 laps and finished eighth in the Food City 500. He is third in the points standings, 37 out of first.

“Jimmie Johnson has 82 career wins,” Truex said. “Two more and he ties NASCAR legend, Darrell Waltrip. It seems Jimmie is well on his way to coining his own irritating three-word catchphrase: ‘Eight-time champion.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Bristol, recording his sixth top 10 of the year. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 27 out of first.

“I’m really sad that my Hendrick Motorsports teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. is retiring,” Elliott said. “But he won’t leave without first being toasted by everyone here at Hendrick. Rick Hendrick is bringing the champagne; Jimmie Johnson is bringing the ‘Cups.’”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 34th, 67 laps down, after a troubling day at Bristol victimized by steering and brake issues.

“Steering issues are one thing,” Keselowski said. “Brake issues are another. Ironically, when brake issues arise, the one thing you want to say the most is ‘Make it stop.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Food City 500, posting his fifth top-five of the year, and is currently fourth in the points standings.

“You may have seen the new Verizon ad starring myself, LeBron James, and Drew Brees,” Logano said. “Once again, It’s the story of my life. Even in my sport, when I stand next to two other athletes, I’m the one they say has no balls.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick raced to a third in the Food City 500, posting his second consecutive top-five result.

“I’m of the opinion that the All-Star Race should take place at other locations besides Charlotte,” Harvick said. “And, NASCAR should have a skills competition, much like the NBA and NHL. Some events could be the ‘Cowardly Shove In The Back,’ the ‘Punch That Has No Chance Of Landing,’ and the ‘Mad Rush To Confront A Driver Who You Believe Has Wronged You.’”

8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer chased Jimmie Johnson the finish line at Bristol, settling for a second in the Food City 500. Bowyer is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“There was no way I was going to catch Jimmie,” Bowyer said, “and that was frustrating. I jokingly called Jimmie a ‘butthole.’ And I think you’ll find that most, if not all, drivers agree that Jimmie’s the best ‘piece of ass’ in our sport.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered two tire failures at Bristol on his way to a 35th in the Food City 500.

“To heck with a Goodyear,” Busch said, “I’ll settle for a ‘good day.’”

10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th in the Food City 500 and is up two spots to sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“The people of Junior Nation must be disappointed by Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s impending retirement,” McMurray said. “Luckily, disappointment is not a new emotion for them.”

April 25, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Texas, his fourth runner-up of the season, and remains the Monster Energy Cup points leader.

“Given a few more laps,” Larson said, “I think I could have caught Jimmie Johnson for the win. Given a few more lifetimes, I think I could have caught him in the number of Cup championships won.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Texas, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“We definitely had the car to better that eighth-place finish,” Truex said, “so I’m disappointed. If I had it to do over, I think we could have pulled out the win. So, talk about ‘resurfacing’ all you like; it’s the thought of ‘re-finishing‘ that intrigues me.”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his fifth top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Texas, and remained second in the points standings, 17 behind Kyle Larson,

“Winds were gusting up to 25 miles per hour,” Elliott said, “which means they were faster than Jeffrey Earnhardt.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 400 at Texas, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year.

“Only at Texas does the winner get to put on a cowboy hat and fire a set of replica six-shooters,” Keselowski said. “Jimmie Johnson had that honor on Sunday. It’s certainly not the first time for JJ; he’s won seven times at Texas. And, judging by Jimmie’s dehydration issue after the race, I’m guessing he went to the bathroom and shot even more blanks.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano led late at Texas but couldn’t hold off a charging Jimmie Johnson, who took the lead with 16 laps to go. Logano finished second and is fifth in the points standings, 72 out of first.

“Much like a Kyle Busch punch,” Logano said, “Jimmie went by me like I wasn’t even there.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the first and second stage in the O[Reilly Auto Parts 400, but faded to a 12th place finish.

“My last pit stop cost me,” Blaney said. “I overshot my pit stall and that blew my chance of winning. Obviously, my crew assumes I’ll hit my marks perfectly when I pit. I didn’t, and that’s been the story of my year because I’ve been ‘exceeding expectations’ all season.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Texas and finished fourth, posting his first top five of the season.

“I’ve never won at Texas,” Harvick said. “I seem to be cursed at that track. Heck, as one of NASCAR’s least-liked drivers, I believed I’m ‘cursed’ at every track.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch came home with a disappointing 15th at Texas, ending a streak of three consecutive top-10 finishes.

“Ozzy Osbourne visited my pit box during the race,” Busch said. “If Ozzy is the ‘Prince Of Darkness,’ my complexion says I’m the ‘Prince Of Lightness.’”

9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started from the very rear at Texas and passed Joey Logano with 17 laps to go, then cruised to his first win of the season.

“After a slow start to our season,” Johnson said, “it’s great to finally get a win. But I’m not satisfied. I’m hungry for more, but not as thirsty as I was for fluids after the race. My car’s fluid delivery system malfunctioned, so I needed three bags of intravenous fluids. It’s certainly not the first case of a ‘three-bagger’ making an appearance in a NASCAR infield.”

10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Texas, joining Chip Ganassi Racing teammate Kyle Larson in the top 10.

“The Texas Motor Speedway track was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “So, race-winner Jimmie Johnson picked the perfect time to ‘resurface.’”

April 11, 2017