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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski passed Kyle Busch with 43 laps and cruised to the win at Martinsville, earning his first win at the Virginia short track.

    “This was my first win at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “I’m pleased to get my first grandfather clock trophy because it’s about ‘time.’

    “And speaking of ‘time,’ Paul Wolfe is not yet serving time for his suspension for a failed inspection incurred at Phoenix. And we all know what appealing a suspension for which you are clearly guilty is: ‘buying time.’”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 17th at Martinsville, snapping his streak of four consecutive races in the top 2. He remains the leader in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, four points ahead of Chase Elliott in second.

    “Two of the youngest drivers lead the points standings,” Larson said. “Some of the veterans like to joke that Chase and I are still in diapers. That’s funny and all, but everyone in NASCAR knows that the thing most akin to diapers in this sport is the points format, because, apparently, it ‘needs changing’ all the time.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Martinsville and eventually finished 16th at Martinsville.

    “I like the added intensity that stage racing brings to NASCAR,” Truex said. “It’s answered some questions that have long been asked in racing circles, like ‘Can the 80th lap of a race be just as exciting as the final lap?’ Or, ‘Could Kyle Busch’s fuse be shorter?’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in the STP 500 at Martinsville, posting his third top five of the season.

    “Martinsville is the shortest track on the NASCAR circuit,” Elliott said. “It’s only ½-mile around. Some NASCAR fans call it a ‘paperclip;’ others call it a ‘waistline.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano took fourth at Martinsville, posting his third top-five result of the year. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 61 points out of first.

    “Matt Kenseth finished ninth,” Logano said. “So, as was the case back in November of 2015, my day ended with Kenseth behind me.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Martinsville after leading a race-high 274 laps. He is sixth in the points standings, 80 out of first.

    “I lost a lengthy battle for the lead with Brad Keselowski,” Busch said. “I blame a faulty set of tires for my failure. I’m very irritated. Not just at those tires, but also at Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Joey Logano, M&M’s that melt in my hand, and life in general. In other words, ‘Everything is grating.’”

    7. Ryan Newman: Newman finished eighth at Martinsville and is 11th in the points standings.

    “Just for the record,” Newman said, “Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse Jr. did not get engaged. Ricky must be the one holding up things because anyone who’s pissed off Danica knows she’s not afraid to ‘engage’ with anyone.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled to a 20th-place finish at Martinsville and has yet to post a top-five finish this season.

    “We struggled all day,” Harvick said. “The No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevrolet was just slow. How slow, you may ask? Well, we were so slow, in honor of our performance, you can walk into any Jimmy Johns, order a sub, and pick it up for free the following day.”

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer scored his second straight top-10 finish with a seventh in the STP 500. He is eighth in the points standings, 94 out of first.

    “I think Tony Stewart is proud of my efforts as of late,” Bowyer said. “And I’m proud to be the guy that was given the opportunity to take over the No. 14 car. But let’s face it, I’ll never be able to truly fill Tony’s seat without 30-40 more pounds in my rear end. In the words of Tony’s long-time lead mechanic, also known as ‘Sir Fixalot,’ ‘Tony’s got back.’”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 25th at Martinsville, posting his worst finish of the season. However, he is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 89 behind Kyle Larson.

    “I’m still pleased with my performance so far,” Blaney said. “If you would have told anyone before the season that Ryan Blaney would be seventh in the standings after Martinsville, they would have said ‘Who’s Ryan Blaney?’ And I would have told them, ‘I’m Dave Blaney’s son.’ And they would have said, ‘Who’s Dave Blaney?’ And that makes the Blaney’s a veritable ‘Who’s who?’ of stock car racing.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson survived four late restarts and pulled away for the win at Fontana, finally snatching a win after three consecutive runner-up finishes.

    “It’s frustrating building a huge lead,” Larson said, “only to have it wiped out by a caution flag. Restarts are dangerous for a race leader, especially when there are four restarts. It’s times like those when it’s imperative to proceed with caution.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth in the Auto Club 400, posting his second top-five finish of the year.

    “I regret not getting fresh tires on the final pit stop,” Truex said. “It’s not like we didn’t have the tires—we start with 11 sets. And I needed fresh tires to have any chance of catching Kyle Larson. So, I urged my crew chief to ‘burn rubber’ so I could ‘burn rubber.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski overcame damage in an early spin to finish second at Fontana.

    “Kyle Larson was dominant,” Keselowski said. “He could pass cars at will and made it all look so easy. It was like it was ‘Target practice.’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott led the Hendrick Motorsports charge at Fontana, finishing 10th. He is second in the points standings, 29 behind Kyle Larson.

    “I hear Danica Patrick was critical of NASCAR’s reasoning for fining drivers,” Elliott said. “I tend to agree with her. I would say to NASCAR officials sitting smugly in their rules trailer, ‘You can’t have it both ways.’ But NASCAR’s rulings are so subjective, they need to be told, ‘You can’t have it three ways, or four ways.’ And let’s be honest, the only people having ‘three ways’ and ‘four ways’ in trailers are Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Auto Club 400 at Fontana, recording his second top five of the season.

    “Kyle Busch and I raced each other cleanly all weekend at Fontana,” Logano said. “Thank goodness, because I don’t want any more of Kyle’s punches coming my way. As these three boring races out West can attest, one ‘West Coast swing’ is enough.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 13th at Fontana and is now ninth in the points standings, 106 out of first.

    “Frankly,” Harvick said, “I’ve had enough of the West Coast and its smog. I’m ready to head back East, where we race at classic NASCAR tracks like Martinsville. As you know, aerodynamics don’t play much of a role on a half-mile track. So, those West Coast locations can keep their ‘dirty air.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished eighth at Fontana, posting his second top-10 finish of the year.

    “I didn’t have one single run-in with Joey Logano,” Busch said. “And that’s exactly how I’d like it, because I prefer to have ‘no contact’ with him.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth at Fontana.

    “That was a big win for Kyle Larson,” McMurray said. “But not as big as the oversized novelty pair of sunglasses he was wearing after the race. Kyle’s already a diminutive little fellow; with those giant shades on, I’d say he’s the second coming of ‘Slim Shady.’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth in the Auto Club 400 and is now seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

    “Kyle Larson was in a minor car accident after leaving Auto Club Speedway after the race,” Blaney said. “Luckily, Kyle walked away without a scratch, which isn’t that big of a surprise, because he was untouchable all day.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished third at Fontana, posting his first top-five result since the Bristol Night Race in 2015.

    “I’m driving the No. 14 Stewart-Haas Racing car made famous by Tony Stewart,” Bowyer said. “Tony was known as much for his temper as he was for his driving skill, which led to the coining of the phrase, ‘Where there’s Smoke, there’s ire.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson took the runner-up spot at Phoenix, finishing second for the third consecutive time this season.

    “I’ve had more seconds than Jimmy Spencer at dinner,” Larson said. “But I don’t mind at all. Those finishes have put me atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings. So, if you say constantly finishing in the runner-up spot is a good thing, I’ll second that notion.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Phoenix, posting his third consecutive top-five result.

    “My car failed the post-race inspection,” Keselowski said. “As a result, punishment is forthcoming. Ultimately, my crew chief Paul Wolfe will have to take the brunt of the fault. That makes him a ‘Wolfe in goat’s clothing.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: One week after dominating at Las Vegas, Truex finished 11th at Phoenix as Ryan Newman took the win.

    “That was a great call by Newman not to pit,” Truex said. “That’s called ‘rolling the dice,’ and Newman rolled a ‘3’ and a ‘1.’ I’m not sure what game Kyle Busch was playing, but I could have sworn I heard him call ‘craps!’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano blew a tire and slammed the wall with six laps to go, opening the door for Ryan Newman to steal the win at Phoenix.

    “I hate that my tire issue cost Kyle Busch the win,” Logano said. “But I can no more control a blown tire than Kyle can a blown gasket.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth in the Camping World 500 at Phoenix, bouncing back from a 38th at Las Vegas the previous week.

    “Congratulations to Ryan Newman and Richard Childress Racing,” Harvick said. “Interestingly enough, I was the driver who replaced Newman at Stewart-Haas Racing when I left RCR. I guess the moral of the story is ‘Join RCR, win a race. Leave RCR, win a championship.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 25th at Phoenix.

    “My brother Kyle was cruising to an easy victory,” Busch said. “Then Joey Logano wrecked, causing the caution that cost Kyle the win. All that just a week after Logano wrecked Kyle at Las Vegas, leading Kyle to take a swing. It seems NASCAR’s West Swing hasn’t been good for the Kyle-Joey relationship. Now we’re off to Fontana, where those two could take this West Coast feud to another level. I say they settle on the stage, with a microphone. My money’s on Kyle because Logano’s got a ‘bad rap.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch was cruising toward the win at Phoenix before Joey Logano blew a tire and smashed the wall, leading to a caution that allowed Ryan Newman to stay out and take the win. Busch eventually finished third,

    “That’s two weeks in a row Logano has cost me the victory,” Busch said. “Doing it once was bad enough; doing it twice is egregious. I would say he’s just ‘piling on,’ or maybe that’s just his pit crew.”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 106 laps at Phoenix before posting a 12th-place finish.

    “It was a brutally hot day at the track,” Elliott said. “And even hotter if you were looking at the Monster Energy girls. They really know how to shake it. If you ask me how they’re doing, I would say ‘Everything is gyrate.’”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson posted his first top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Phoenix.

    “We’ve struggled so far this season,” Johnson said. “We’ve haven’t been terrible, but we haven’t been good either. While Kyle Busch has made ‘Everything is great’ a popular saying, our catchphrase so far has been ‘Everything is okay.’”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman remained on the track after Joey Logano’s late crash, outsmarting Kyle Busch and other leaders to take the win in the Camping World 500.

    “That was my first win in 127 races,” Newman said. “That’s a long time. They call me ‘Rocketman,’ because it takes about 3-4 years for me to ‘take off.’

    “Here’s an interesting fact: no driver has won more than one pole this season. And that makes racing much safer for everyone because there’s not a single ‘bi-pole-r’ driver on the track now.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex dominated at Las Vegas, capturing the first two stages and passing Brad Keselowski’s slowing Ford with two laps to go. Truex scored the maximum 60 points, and is fourth in the points standings, five out of first.

    “What does a car engine that sweeps all three stages of a Cup race sound like?” Truex said. “‘Broom! Broom!’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Las Vegas and appeared to be headed to victory before he slowed dramatically due to mechanical issues. He faded to fifth but leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I’m not sure what happened,” Keselowski said. “All I know is my engine was like a Kyle Busch-Joey Logano fight—it lacked ‘punch.’”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson took the runner-up spot in the Kobalt Tools 400, posting his second top five of the year. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, one behind Brad Keselowski.

    “I came close to winning again,” Larson said. “I’m really envious of Martin Truex Jr. and that giant wrench he was awarded as the winner. And that giant wrench is jealous of Kyle Busch and Joey Logano because they are bigger tools.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth after contact with Kyle Busch sent Busch’s No. 18 Toyota spinning into the infield. A furious Busch confronted Logano on pit road, but crew members separated them, although Busch was bloodied in the skirmish.

    “Hopefully,” Logano said, “Kyle didn’t get any blood on his driving suit. I’m not sure laundry detergent will get that out, because what happens in Vegas stains in Vegas.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick blew his right front tire and slammed the wall on lap 68, ending his day at Las Vegas. He finished 38th.

    “My day ended way too early,” Harvick said. “I’m surprised NASCAR officials didn’t penalize me for exiting the race too quickly.

    “I was upset because it took medical personnel way too long to arrive on the scene of my accident. That’s unacceptable. So, one week after they ‘took my time,’ it appears they’re ‘taking their time.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 30th after a rough day at his home track at Las Vegas.

    “I had to make an extended pit stop to replace my battery on lap 66,” Busch said. “And I was powerless to do anything about it.

    “And speaking of dead batteries, how about my brother Kyle’s ‘charge’ at Joey Logano? Kyle just lost his mind there. But take it from me, when anger gets the best of a Busch brother, everyone else gets the worst of a Busch brother.”

    7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 12th at Las Vegas, and has finished 12th or better in all three races this season. He is ninth in the points standings.

    “Jimmie Johnson hasn’t posted a top-10 finish this season,” Kahne said. “Jimmie’s not one to whine about misfortune, but if he chooses to, he should do it in his trophy room.

    “In any case, Jimmie’s quest for another championship is on, and he’s calling it ‘48 For Eight.’”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott took third at Las Vegas, scoring his second top five of the year.

    “Kyle Busch went after Joey Logano and came away with bleeding,” Elliott said. ‘Sliced Bread,’ meet ‘Sliced Head.’

    “As NASCAR fights go, that was one of the worst in history. Of course, Cale Yarborough and Donnie Allison’s brawl at Daytona in 1979 is at the top of the list. In fact, it occupies the top two spots, because that fight featured a good number of ‘one-two’s.’”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth in the Kobalt Tools 400, registering his second top-10 finish of the season.

    “After the race,” Kenseth said, “someone said ‘I didn’t hit anything.’ That could have been either Joey Logano or Kyle Busch.

    “I have to support my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate in this Logano-Busch situation. I’ve wanted to punch Logano for a long time. His face is punchable, and when your nickname is ‘Sliced Bread,’ a knuckle sandwich is often on the menu.”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Las Vegas and is seventh in the points standings, 26 out of first.

    “As you know,” Blaney said, “my father is Dave Blaney. I really have to thank my father for encouraging me to follow in his footsteps. Every Father’s Day, I’m grateful that Dave Blaney is my father, and even more grateful that Tom Logano is not.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started from the pole at Atlanta and won the first two segments, but a late pit road speeding penalty cost him the victory.

    “I guess I should have backed off a little going down pit road,” Harvick said. “But I ‘pushed,’ and once again, Brad Keselowski was the recipient.

    “My wife DeLana was not happy with Austin Dillon for staying out and causing the caution, and she took to Twitter to voice her displeasure with the No. 3 team. Unfortunately, no amount of sad-face emojis will give me the victory.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski capitalized on Kevin Harvick’s speeding penalty and zoomed past Kyle Larson to win the Folds Of Honor Quik Trips 500.

    “Even while Harvick was dominating,” Keselowski said, “I kept my composure, then I proved I can come through under pressure when I passed Larson. Not to boast, but I’ve got a huge set of testicles. And do you know what holds a pair that large? A ‘Monster Cup.’”

    3. Kurt Busch: Coming off his career-defining win at Daytona, Busch finished seventh at Atlanta, and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Monster Energy is the new Cup sponsor,” Busch said, “and I’m proud to display the Monster logo all over my car. Heck, I don’t see the word ‘Monster’ used this much except in court filings against me.”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson led late at Atlanta, but was passed by Brad Keselowski with six laps to go and settled for the runner-up spot. Larson is sixth in the points standings.

    “I’ve had the lead late in the last three Cup races,” Larson said, “and didn’t win any of them. I keep asking myself ‘What happened?’ I don’t have an answer. Now, if you ask me ‘What happened?’ during the Atlanta race, I do have an answer. It’s ‘nothing.’That was one of the most uneventful races in NASCAR history. The only exciting action appeared on a NASCAR official’s timing device. Ask Harvick and he’ll tell you it was a ‘stop watch.’”

    5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne posted his second top 10 of the year with a fourth at Atlanta.

    “Kevin Harvick obviously had the best car in the Folds Of Honor QuikTrip 500,” Kahne said. “But the key words here are ‘QuikTrip,’ because Harvick was a little too fast heading down pit road. Honestly, I’m skeptical that Harvick was, in fact, speeding. I think NASCAR wanted a competitive end to a race that Harvick was easily dominating. In a sport in where you’re always looking for that extra mile per hour, NASCAR officials seem to be the best at finding it.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth in the Folds Of Honor QuikTrip 500 at Atlanta.

    “Congratulations to my Penske teammate Brad Keselowski,” Logano said. “That was a huge win, and Brad was very excited. You could hear it in his voice right after he took the checkered flag. If you were listening in on his radio feed, you probably didn’t need an FBI warrant to do so.”

    7. Chase Elliott: Elliott placed fifth at Atlanta for his second top-10 finish of the season, once again leading the Hendrick Motorsports charge along with teammate Kasey Kahne.

    “This was the first race of the season without Rob Gronkowski’s presence,” Elliott said. “But even if he’s not at the track, Rob will be there in spirit, because there’s a lap 69 in every race this year.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Atlanta in the No. 78 Furniture Row Toyota.

    “I think all drivers are pleased with the new points system,” Truex said. “Now, I’m not sure the fans feel the same way because it can be a bit complicated. But once you understand it, it’s simple. So, to NASCAR fans, I say ‘Do the math.’ And, to fans from Jeremy Mayfield’s hometown of Owensboro, Kentucky, I say ‘There’s an ‘A’ in ‘math,’ not an ‘E.’”

    9. Matt Kenseth: After a disappointing result at Daytona, Kenseth bounced back with a third at Atlanta.

    “I’m still getting used to not having Carl Edwards as a teammate,” Kenseth said. “Carl suddenly announced his retirement back in January and said he may have plans to win for political office. If Carl is ever elected, it will be the first time he’s won a race that mattered.”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 18th at Atlanta and is now eighth in the points standings.

    “They say speed runs in my family,” Blaney said. “If that’s true, let hope it skipped a generation because my father Dave didn’t win a single Cup race.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The notes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kurt Busch: Busch passed Kyle Larson on the final lap and won his first Daytona 500, finally snagging victory after three runner-up finishes.

    “Rob Gronkowski predicted I would win on Sunday,” Busch said. “And he was right. Gronk also correctly predicted that he would finish in the 69th position.

    “I thought after coming so close three times that I would never win. But I know more than anyone about putting your past behind you.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney captured second in a wild final lap at Daytona, as several front runners ran out of gas, while Kurt Busch took the win.

    “In case you didn’t know,” Blaney said, “my father is Dave Blaney. But I refuse to let that hold me back.”

    3. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger started 38th at Daytona and finished third for his best ever finish in the 500.

    “I think Monster Energy is a great new sponsor for the Cup series,” Allmendinger said. “I’ll say this for Monster Energy drink and the Monster Energy girls–they both have great cans.”

    4. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fourth at Daytona in the No. 43 Richard Petty Motorsports Ford.

    “I’m proud to represent the ‘King,” Almirola said. “But I’m not sure Richard would recognize the state of NASCAR today. Did you hear the language during Michael Waltrip’s ‘Grid Walk?’ I think the phrase ‘kick your ass’ was uttered at least three times. In the King’s day, when the term ‘kick your ass’ was uttered just three times, that meant Cale Yarborough and Donnie Allison were on speaking terms.”

    5. Paul Menard: Menard finished fifth at Daytona despite running out of gas on the last lap.

    “You saw a lot of drivers short on fuel,” Menard said. “Kurt Busch wasn’t one of them. And he certainly wasn’t short on Energy. Monster Energy, that is. Monster Energy is bringing excitement and unpredictability back to the sport. You could say they’re taking the sport back to its roots. They’re even delving into the moonshining business with a product called ‘Monster Mash.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano led 16 laps on his way to a sixth-place finish in the Daytona 500, and was one of four Fords in the top six.

    “I’m just happy I made it to the finish,” Logano said. “It was a crazy race, with lots of wrecks, and a new stage format that even has a green and white checkered flag. I believe it’s NASCAR’s way of adding some ‘color’ to the sport.”

    7. Michael Waltrip: Waltrip finished eighth in the Daytona 500, the top Toyota finisher in the field.

    “You probably saw the ‘Grid Walk’ I shared with Rob Gronkowski before the race,” Waltrip said. “I don’t think Gronk interviewed a single driver. He did, however, interview every single Monster Energy girl. I give Gronk kudos for his investigative journalism because he wanted to get to the bottom of each of them.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished seventh in the Daytona 500, giving Hendrick Motorsports its top finish on the day.

    “I’m often the overlooked driver at Hendrick Motorsports,” Kahne said. “But keep in mind, there’s a difference between the forgotten driver and the forgetting driver.”

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. was involved in a crash late in the race when he hit Kyle Busch. Dale is perfectly okay, though, and he’s still this sports most popular driver. And that means he’s selling more merchandise than any other driver. That’s not unusual, that’s just concession protocol.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson took the white flag in the lead at Daytona, but ran out of gas soon after, settling for a 12th-place finish.

    “I didn’t win,” Larson said, “but I’m happy I had a chance to win. So my disappointment is outweighed by my optimism. In other words, I’m a ‘glass half full’ guy even when I’m a ‘tank totally empty’ guy.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and led with three laps remaining before he ran out of gas. He finished 14th.

    “I’m awfully disappointed,” Elliott said. “I thought the No. 24 NAPA Chevrolet had the speed to hold off my competitors with ease. Honestly, I felt like I was ‘coasting.’ Unfortunately, I actually was coasting.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson held off Joey Logano on an overtime restart and won at Homestead, earning his seventh Sprint Cup championship.

    “First,” Johnson said, “I’d like to thank the most important woman in my life. That would be ‘Lady Luck.’

    “This race was called the ‘Ford EcoBoost 400.’ I get an ‘echo boost’ when I say ‘Sprint Cup champion,’ because I hear it repeated six times.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards was cruising to what appeared to be a championship run at Homestead before a caution flew with 15 laps to go. On the ensuing restart, Edwards dove low to block a charging Joey Logano and spun, first slamming the inside wall and then spinning back into traffic. Edwards’s day was done and his championship hopes were extinguished.

    “I was already visualizing my celebratory backflip,” Edwards said. “Instead of a landing stuck, however, it was disaster that struck.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth, and second to Jimmie Johnson in the championship race, in the Ford EcoBoost 400 at Homestead.

    “The wreck with 10 laps to go defined the outcome,” Logano said. “I had a good run on Carl Edwards and he blocked me, spinning himself and causing more wreckage. If I get by him clean, more than likely, I’m the Sprint Cup champion. That would have been my first, and at 23, I would be looking forward to many more Cups, particularly my third. After that, I would have been known as ‘Thrice’d Bread.’”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished ninth at Homestead, posting his 22nd top 10 of the year.

    “Congratulations to Jimmie Johnson,” Hamlin said. “He joins Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt Sr. as seven-time winners of the NASCAR championship. Jimmie is neither a ‘King’ nor an ‘Intimidator.’ Johnson’s much too humble to have such an audacious nickname. Me and the guys just call him ‘JJ,’ because he’s ‘Just Jimmie.’”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started seventh and finished seventh in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

    “Jimmie Johnson’s seventh Sprint Cup championship is truly an amazing feat,” Kenseth said. “And it also takes amazing fingers to indicate that many championships.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Homestead, behind championship contenders Jimmie Johnson, who won, and Joey Logano, who took fourth.

    “I really thought Carl Edwards was going to do it,” Busch said. “And I was right, because if you ask anyone about Sunday’s race, especially those on Logano’s team, they’ll say ‘he did it.’”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Homestead and finished third, recording his 17th top five of the season.

    “I’m known as ‘Happy,” Harvick said. “But after failing to have a chance to win the championship, friends and colleagues have said I don’t seem like myself. They tell me I’m ‘not Happy enough.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th at Homestead as Jimmie Johnson took the win and his seventh Sprint Cup championship.

    “Tony Stewart raced for the last time in Sprint Cup,” Busch said. “So, we may never see Tony in a Sprint Cup car ever again. I guess Tony’s ‘going away for a long time.’ But let’s be clear, Tony’s not going to jail.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was caught up in the Carl Edwards-Joey Logano mix up and finished 35th at Homestead, 11 laps down.

    “With no chance to win the championship,” Keselowski said, “I was really disinterested in putting forth my best effort. So, instead of being at Homestead, I would have rather best at home, instead.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was collected in a crash with 10 laps to go triggered when Carl Edwards tried to block Joey Logano on a restart. Truex’s No. 78 Toyota ended up in flames and he finished 36th.

    “I guess it’s fitting,” Truex said. “We started the Chase For The Cup ‘on fire,’ and ended it that way too.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 38th at Phoenix, 28 laps down, his day ruined by a penalty for passing the pit car during a pit stop.

    “That’s a penalty I really don’t understand,” Johnson said. “I think I’ll ask for some clarification from NASCAR. Then again, maybe I won’t. Getting a straight answer from NASCAR is ‘exhausting,’ because all they do is blow smoke up your behind.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Phoenix to qualify for the Chase finale based on points. Busch was involved in a late restart crash that knocked Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth out of the lead and cost him a spot in the final four at Homestead.

    “I’m happy to make the final,” Busch said, “but I feel terrible that I may have played a part in knocking Matt out. I hate to talk sponsors at a time like this, but it would be a great time for Mars to introduce a new ‘M&M’s Bittersweet’ product.”

    3. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 19th in the Can-Am 500. Edwards will join Jimmie Johnson, Joey Logano, and Kyle Busch at Homestead, where the Sprint Cup champion will be determined.

    “I’m happy for Kyle,” Edwards said, “But I really feel bad for Matt Kenseth. I’d like to comfort him by putting my arm around his neck. But it would be wise for me to be careful. There’s a fine line between a shoulder to cry on and a headlock.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano won the Can-Am 500 at Phoenix to secure his spot in the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “Ironically,” Logano said, “Matt Kenseth’s spin allowed me to win the race and advance to the finale. I guess the saying is true, ‘What goes around, comes around,’ especially when it’s the back end of Kenseth’s car.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Phoenix and failed to advance to the final round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I look at the Sprint Cup standings,” Hamlin said, “and I no longer see that ‘C’ by my name, indicating I’m ‘in the Chase.’ That means I’m on the outside looking in, and I don’t like what I ‘C.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth had victory in sight, and a spot in the Chase finale, before a caution led to a restart, where disaster struck. Kenseth was spun by Alex Bowman after Bowman and Kyle Busch made contact in Turn 1. Kenseth finished 21st.

    “And Joey Logano won instead of me,” Kenseth said. “I guess I deserved that. You could say I got my ‘just desserts in the desert.’”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Phoenix but was eliminated from contention for the Cup title at Homestead.

    “I’ve dominated at Phoenix over the years,” Harvick said, “but just didn’t have enough this time. We put ourselves in a hole early in the Chase and couldn’t recover, and we’re very sad about it. If you add ‘too little’ and ‘too late,’ you get ‘forlorn.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Needing a win to advance, Busch finished a disappointing fifth at Phoenix. Like Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick, Busch fell short in making the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “It’s very difficult,” Busch said, “starting a race while knowing you have no chance whatsoever of winning the Sprint Cup championship. I admire Danica Patrick because she manages that feeling 36 times a year.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th at Phoenix as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win.

    “I’ll do everything in my power to help Joey win the Sprint Cup championship,” Keselowski said. “I would go as far as saying I will accept ‘team orders’ to benefit Joey. In other words, if the team orders pizza, I’ll be happy to go pick it up.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 40th at Phoenix, 40 laps down, for his worst finish of the season.

    “Tony Stewart will race in Sprint Cup one last time at Homestead,” Truex said. “Tony’s passion for the sport will be missed, and so will his ornery behavior. Tony puts the ‘ass’ in ‘ambassador.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: With his place in the Chase finale set, Johnson cruised to an 11th place finish at Texas.

    “All I heard during race week was ‘Don’t mess with Texas,’” Johnson said. “Well, I was happy not to.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards beat martin Truex, Jr. out of the pits on the race’s final stop and was declared the winner when rain end the AAA Texas 500. Edwards joins Jimmie Johnson as qualifiers for the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “I decided to forgo my celebratory backflip,” Edwards said, “with the hopes I’ll be able to do it at Homestead. That’s a ‘flip-flop’ worthy of election season.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano led 178 of 293 laps at Texas and finished second.

    “We had to sit out a rain delay before the race,” Logano said. “A six-hour rain delay, to be exact. When there’s rain in the sky, and NASCAR fans have nothing to do but wait, you can be certain it was ‘pouring.’”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished ninth at Texas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Carl Edwards took the rain-shortened win.

    “Phoenix will be pressure-filled,” Hamlin said. “And pressure-packed. Nerves will be a factor. But I can tell you, every part of my body possesses the competitive spirit. Even my heart will be racing.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took seventh in the AAA Texas 500, and now sits one point behind Joey Logano among drivers who haven’t clinched a spot in the Chase For The Cup final round.

    “Congratulations to Carl Edwards,” Kenseth said. “One of the spoils of victory at Texas is a black cowboy hat. Take it from me, just because he’s wearing a black hat doesn’t make Carl a bad guy. Carl was a bad guy before he put on the hat.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch posted his 16th top-five finish with a fifth at Texas. Busch is tied with Joey Logano, one up on Matt Kenseth, and two ahead of Denny Hamlin.

    “Two spots for Homestead have been filled,” Busch said, “and two remain. Two plus two equals four. Let’s just hope that ‘4’ isn’t Kevin Harvick. Somehow, mysteriously, Harvick always seems to find a way to win at Phoenix. No one can ever catch him. In other words, he doesn’t ‘get caught.’”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Texas and will likely need a win at Phoenix to advance.

    “I’m extremely worried that I won’t advance to have a chance to win the Sprint Cup championship,” Harvick said. “You could say I’m a ‘wreck.’ Some drivers, noting my history of avoiding elimination, would say I’m a ‘wreck waiting to happen.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 20th, one lap down, in the AAA Texas 500, and now needs a win at Phoenix to be eligible for the championship at the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “My back is against the wall,” Busch said. “But it’s a familiar situation. Usually, that happens when a rival driver I’ve pissed off jacks me up.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened AAA Texas 500.

    “There’s been a lot of talk about concussions,” Keselowski said. “Actually, I think I’d like to have a concussion because there are a lot of recent memories I’d like to forget.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Texas, posting his eighth top five of the year.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. was pulled over for speeding while on his way to Texas Motor Speedway,” Truex said. “Let’s hope that this instance of Junior getting ‘clocked’ doesn’t cause a concussion.”

  • NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson recovered from left front damage to the No. 48 and stormed back to win the Goody’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville. Johnson qualified for the Chase For The Cup finale at Homestead on November 20.

    “That’s my ninth Martinsville win,” Johnson said. “Now, I’ve got nine grandfather clock trophies. That makes me the father of grandfather clocks.

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 48 laps and finished third at Martinsville.

    “I race hard at Martinsville,” Hamlin said. “And I think some drivers don’t like that about me. Jimmie Johnson was upset at how hard I raced him, and my Joe Gibbs teammates Matt Kenseth and Kyle Busch were also pissed at me. I can understand Johnson’s frustration, but not my whiny teammates. Trust me, for my teammates and I, there was a race lost, but there is no love lost.”

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 176 laps at Martinsville and finished fourth, posting his eighth top five of the year.

    “I famously wrecked Joey Logano last fall at Martinsville,” Kenseth said. “That gave the fans something to cheer for. I don’t know if they were necessarily my fans because I don’t think I have any fans.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Goody’s Fast Relief 500, recording his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “I’m still the defending Sprint Cup champion,” Busch said, “and I will remain that until someone pries it from my cold, dead hands. And here’s a Halloween reminder: M&M’s won’t melt in your mouth, and they definitely won’t melt in your cold, dead hands.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th in the Goody’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville.

    “I just wasn’t myself at Martinsville,” Harvick said. “You could say I was ‘Un-Happy.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Martinsville, posting his 13th top five of the season.

    “NASCAR needed 29 caution laps to sort out the field order after Carl Edwards hit the wall on lap 358,” Logano said. “I don’t know who NASCAR has in charge of this, but they must be out of the ‘loop.’”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 22nd, three laps down, at Martinsville, and likely will need a win at Texas or Phoenix to advance to the final Chase round.

    “Now that Halloween is over,” Busch said, “I think it’s safe to remove my costume because I’ve been masquerading as a Cup contender since the start of the Chase.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Martinsville in a bittersweet finish for the 2014 Sprint Cup champion.

    “After failing to qualify for the next round,” Keselowski said, “I’ve kind of been a little dejected and walking around in a daze. In other words, I’ve been ‘out of it.’

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Martinsville and finished seventh.

    “I’m out of the running for the Sprint Cup championship,” Truex said, “so I’ve been rendered a mere spectator. But I’m still right in the middle of the action. That makes now a perfect time to introduce Furniture Row’s ‘Best Seat In The House’ promotion, in which nothing is on sale because I want you to feel my disappointment.”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards blew a tire late at Martinsville and finished 36th, putting a serious damper on his championship hopes.

    “Obviously,” Edwards said, “tire wear was an issue. I think that right-front tire was worn completely. And I hate bald tires just as much as Sport Clips hates bald heads.”