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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 23rd in the Hellman’s 500 and will head to Martinsville as the favorite to win the first race of the next round of the Chase.

“Martinsville is one of my favorite tracks,” Johnson said. “I’ve got eight wins there, which means I’ve got eight grandfather clock trophies. Winning there to start the third round of the Chase would certainly be a ‘timely’ victory.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh in the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and is one of seven drivers moving on to the next round of the Chase.

“You may have seen me take a swing inside Kurt Busch’s car after the race,” Harvick said. “That’s three years in a row in which I’ve been involved in some sort of controversy midway through the Chase. I guess it’s just that time of the month.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and just edged out Austin Dillon for the eighth and final spot in the third round of the Chase.

“I beat Kurt Busch for third by a matter of feet,” Hamlin said. “To put it into words that I know Busch can understand, I ‘beat’ him by the length of Kevin Harvick’s arm.”

4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home 28th at Talladega and will join his three Joe Gibbs Racing teammates in Round 3 of the Chase.

“I’ve got to hand it to Joey Logano,” Kenseth said. “He really came through with the pressure on. I guess everything in his car was working to perfection, especially the ‘clutch.’”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 30th at Talladega and safely advanced to the next round of the Chase.

“Our goal was simply to avoid disaster,” Busch said. “Going forward, ‘avoiding disaster’ may entail steering clear of any Stewart-Haas Racing driver. Tony Stewart, Kevin Harvick, and Kurt Busch all have anger issues. Their teammate Danica Patrick stays mentally grounded by doing yoga. That might help her teammates. But can you see Stewart, Harvick, and Busch doing yoga? That would be a stretch.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano survived a couple of late restarts to win the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and clinch his spot in the Round of 8 in the Chase.

“With the race being the Hellman’s 500,” Logano said, “there was no champagne in victory circle, just mayonnaise. So, to celebrate, ‘Sliced Bread’ was covered by mayonnaise.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth in the Hellman’s 500, then had a controversial run-in with Stewart-Haas teammate Kevin Harvick, who took a swing at Busch while he sat in his No. 41 car after the race.

“Much like a female government assassin,” Busch said, “Harvick ‘hits’ like a girl.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 29th at Talladega and qualified for the next round of the Chase on the virtue of points.

“While we were racing at Talladega,” Edwards said, “the United States Grand Prix was taking place in Austin, Texas. There’s was a joke making the rounds in the Talladega infield. It goes like this: What do you call a thousand snooty Formula 1 fans? A ‘grand pricks.’”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski blew an engine on lap 144 at Talladega and failed to advance to the next round of the Chase. He finished 38th, 48 laps off the pace.

“The grill of the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford was covered in trash,” Keselowski said. “I’m not sure if it was a hot dog wrapper, a paper towel, a napkin, or a tissue. But with this being Talladega, I can only tell you for sure that it was ‘white trash.’”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Talladega but blew his engine on lap 41, ruining his chance of advancing in the Chase For The Cup. He finished dead last in 40th.

“We had a storybook season,” Truex said. “We just need to work on the ‘ending.’”

October 24, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth at Kansas, posting his eighth top five of the year. Johnson leads the Sprint Cup points standings and has already clinched his spot in Round 3 of the Chase.

“I’m looking forward to Talladega,” Johnson said. “Who doesn’t enjoy a nice, relaxing Sunday drive? Well, besides everyone but Kevin Harvick and I?”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick held off Carl Edwards over the final 30 laps at Kansas and went on to win the Hollywood Casino 400. Harvick advanced to Round 3 of the Chase For The Cup.

“We’re standing behind the 8-ball,” Harvick said. “Then, as you would expect from the guy they call ‘The Closer,’ I won the race right on ‘cue.’”

3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Kansas as Joe Gibbs Racing swept the top three spots in qualifying. Kenseth led 116 laps and finished ninth.

“That’s 10 poles for Joe Gibbs Racing this season,” Kenseth said. “We’ve yet to win a Chase race so far. So that just goes to show, you can lead a horse to water, and JGR can lead a field to green, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can lead a field to checkered.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch powered to a fifth-place finish in the Hollywood Casino 400, recording his 14th top five of the year.

“I love casinos,” Busch said. “And I love gambling anywhere except Talladega, where it doesn’t matter how many chips you have because the chips are going to fall where they may anyway.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 11th at Kansas and is now sixth in the points standings.

“After five straight top sevens ,” Truex said, “I’ve had two finishes outside the top 10. I don’t think there’s really an explanation for it. I often lay in bed at night and try to determine the reasons behind what happens. But I often find myself asleep soon after. In an algebraic sense, it’s a matter of ‘Truex + y=z.’”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch came home 13th in the Hollywood Casino 400 and is well-positioned at fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I had to go to a backup car after spinning through the grass in practice,” Busch said. “So we started at the back of the field. I commend my crew for getting the backup car ready. They worked with the precision, diligence, and steely nerves you’d expect from a dedicated crew or a government assassin.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards took second to Kevin Harvick in the Hollywood Casino 400.

“Harvick got past me on the final restart,” Edwards said. “I thought I had a clear stranglehold on the lead, but Harvick had the grip, and much like the time I wrapped my hands around his neck in 2008, I did the ‘choking.’”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Kansas and is now eighth in the points standings, tied with Austin Dillon.

“Kevin Harvick always seems to thrive in these must-win situations,” Logano said. “I don’t know how he does it, but he always seems to find more speed. I’m ‘Sliced Bread;’ he must be ‘Yeast Bread,’ because he rises to the occasion.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski got loose on lap 190 and slid up the track, where he was bumped by Denny Hamlin. Keselowski’s No. 2 Chevy slid through the infield grass, which heavily damaged the front of his car.

“I believe we left a divot in the infield,” Keselowski said. “And keeping with the golf theme, I believe we’re out of mulligans.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin suffered several bad breaks at Kansas, including a broken splitter, a penalty in the pits for a loose tire, and a crash initiated by the loose car of Brad Keselowski. Hamlin still finished 15th and will likely need a win at Talladega to advance in the Chase.

“We were tripped up,” Hamlin said, “by a string of bad luck.”

October 17, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson outdueled Matt Kenseth for the lead on a restart with 18 laps to go and went on to win the Bank Of America 500. Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet was the class of the field at Charlotte, leading 155 laps.

“I want so bad to win my seventh Cup championship,” Johnson said. “I can assure everyone, fan and drivers alike, that I’m going to put all of my ability and energy into trying to make that happen. That makes me the greatest ‘try-athlete’ in the world.”

2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth delivered a strong start to Round 2 of the Chase with a runner-up finish at Charlotte.

“Hurricane Matthew wreaked havoc with the NASCAR schedule at Charlotte,” Kenseth said. “And it was certainly gusty during the race. I haven’t felt that much residual wind since I hung out in A.J. Allmendinger’s No. 47 Bush’s Beans hauler. In any case, ‘Hurricane Jimmie’ ‘blew’ right past me on the final restart.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh at Charlotte, posting his 21st top 10 of the season.

“There was no controversy at Charlotte this time,” Keselowski said. “The only person that got ‘jumped’ at Charlotte was Martin Truex Jr. when he stalled his engine.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started seventh and finished 13th at Charlotte.

“Our day could have been better,” Truex said, “but I stalled my engine during a late pit stop and lost track position. Well, so much for the proposed ‘Sitting Pretty’ line of recliners at Furniture Row.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Bank Of America 500, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth, who finished second, in the top 10.

“Denny Hamlin’s blown engine on lap 309 was a nightmare for him,” Busch said, “but a dream come true for some drivers, like Kevin Harvick, who finished 38th. Could Harvick have had something to do with Hamlin’s engine failure? Who knows? All I know is this: if Harvick needs a wreck to advance and he’s on the track, you should look out for Harvick. Heck, and even if Harvick’s not on the track and he needs a miracle, someone’s ‘looking out’ for Harvick.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

“We’re off to Kansas Motor Speedway for the next race in the Chase,” Busch said. “The pressure is on everyone to advance, and that pressure can play with your emotions. So, while we’ll be in the physical ‘state’ of Kansas, I have no idea what my mental ‘state’ will be.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Charlotte but experienced electrical issues that ended his day early. He finished 38th.

“Frankly,” Harvick said, “I’m shocked that we had electrical issues. But I think it’s way too early to pull the plug on our championship hopes.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 12th at Charlotte on a day when several Chasers struggled.

“A lot of drivers dug themselves holes,” Edwards said. “Such as Kevin Harvick, Joey Logano, and Denny Hamlin. There are by no means out of the running to advance to the next round, so I can only advise them to give it their all and continue to grind away. In other words, I hope those guys ‘keep digging.’”

9. Joey Logano: Tire issues ruined Logano’s day at Charlotte after blown tires sent him into the wall on two occasions. He limped to a 36th-place finish.

“We were doing so well in the Chase with three top-10 finishes,” Logano said. “Things were going right, but sometimes, things can go too right, like your steering wheel.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin lost his engine on lap 309 while running second. Hamlin finished 30th, 26 laps down.

“Something broke,” Hamlin said. “It was most likely my spirit.”

October 10, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex dominated at Dover, leading 187 laps on his way to the win in the Citizen Soldiers 400. Truex has two wins in three Chase races and has emerged as a clear Cup favorite.

“I talked with New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi earlier in the week,” Truex said. “We could have talked forever, but due to both our busy schedules, we had to cut it short. You could say we made it to ‘third base.’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished fourth, leading seven laps.

“Sadly,” Keselowski said, “Tony Stewart has been eliminated from the Chase. Tony finished 13th, but he needed some other drivers to have bad results. Unfortunately, and Ryan Newman can vouch for this, Tony didn’t get the help he needed.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 37th at Dover, his worst finish of the season after a broken track bar suffered early in the race sent him to the garage for repairs.

“Luckily,” Harvick said, “I won at New Hampshire, so my spot in the next round of the Chase was secure. So, I didn’t have to cause a wreck to make it to the next round. A lot of drivers said I did that on purpose. Maybe I did. But I’m here to say I’m a changed man. My only ‘intent’ now is to win the Sprint Cup championship.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Dover, posting his 20th top 10 of the year.

“Next up is Charlotte Motor Speedway,” Logano said. “Traditionally, we’ve seen a lot of mechanical failures at CMS. Not with the cars, mind you, but when we race there, all hell ‘breaks’ loose.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Dover and advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

“I visited the White House on Wednesday,” Busch said. “I was honored as the 2015 Sprint Cup champion. You know, I have a lot in common with President Obama. We’re both brothers, and we both take care of business in our own respective ‘Oval Office.’”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started seventh and finished ninth in the Citizen Soldier 400.

“Martin Truex’s second win of the Chase solidified the notion that Toyota engines are the class of the field,” Hamlin said. “Can Toyota pull off another win when the Chase hits Charlotte? Without a doubt. If that happens, it would an instance of ‘easy, three-sy, Japanese-y.’”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home fifth at Dover as all four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers advanced to the next round of the Chase.

“Now we’re on to Charlotte,” Kenseth said. “Two years ago there, I attacked Brad Keselowski after we tangled during the race. That’s what happens when the tension of the Chase builds: drivers butt heads. In most cases, drivers are butt heads.”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished seventh at Dover on a day when he had a car good enough to win. But a drive-through penalty accessed when his jackman jumped the wall too early cost him.

“I think we were well on our way to a victory,” Johnson said, “but then my jackman ‘jumped to a conclusion.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 15th at Dover, two laps down, and punched his ticket to the next round of the Chase.

“The XFINITY Series race was called the ‘Drive Sober 200,’” Busch said. “I think it’s great that NASCAR is encouraging people to drive sober. But this is NASCAR. I don’t think you’ll ever see the ‘Bring Your Cooler To The Race But Drive Sober 200.’”

10. (tie) Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 14th, one lap down, in the Citizens Soldier 400 at Dover.

“That was not my best performance,” Edwards said. “Dover’s ‘Monster Mile’ rendered me a ‘Monster Mild,’ which is also how most drivers, who dislike me but don’t hate me, would describe me.”

10. (tie) Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his ninth top-five finish of the year with a third at Dover and advanced to Round 2 of the Chase For The Cup.

“I’m the only rookie left in the Chase,” Elliott said. “And I’m devoted to becoming the first rookie to win the Cup. My slogan from here on is ‘Chase For The Cup,’ assuming it’s not already copyrighted.”

October 4, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick passed Matt Kenseth with five laps left and took a pivotal win at New Hampshire, advancing to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

“Our goal was to win the race,” Harvick said. “After a bad performance at Chicagoland, I knew we needed the victory to secure our spot in the next round. And I know exactly how to get in the right mindset to maximize performance. In addition to Brad Keselowski, I know how to ‘push’ myself, as well.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300 at Loudon. He is the leader in the Sprint Cup points standings by one over Martin Truex Jr.

“The ‘Bad Boy Off Road 300,’” Keselowski said. “That’s ‘BBOR’ for short. So, for any fan who experienced that race, they just watched the ‘B-BOR-ed 300.’”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at New Hampshire, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

“Kevin Harvick came on strong at the end,” Truex said. “I guess that’s why they call him the ‘Closer.’ Kevin may be a favorite to win the Sprint Cup, but he’s no one’s favorite. What he lacks in popularity, he makes up in talent. So that makes him the most talented driver in the world.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano came home 11th at New Hampshire and is now fifth in the points standings, 14 out of first.

“Barring disaster,” Logano said, “I should advance to the Chase’s next round. So, barring a ‘Matt Kenseth meltdown,’ I should advance to Round 2.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third at New Hampshire, posting his third consecutive top-10 result, and is now third in the points standings.

“After the next Chase race at Dover,” Busch said, “the Chase field will be trimmed to 12. ‘4’ is the number of drivers that will be eliminated. I’d like my chances more if the No. 4 car was eliminated.”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 15th at New Hampshire, the lowest finisher among all Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

“JGR has four cars in the Chase,” Hamlin said, “but we’ve yet to win a Chase race. I’m going to change that. I’ve made it my mission to win at Dover. So, you can say I’m in the ‘mission-ary’ position.”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth dominated the second half of the Bad Boy Off Raod 300, but faltered on a restart with five laps to go, allowing Kevin Harvick to slip by and take the win.

“That certainly was not my best restart,” Kenseth said. “Harvick laid back and got the jump. And, as Carl Edwards will tell you when somebody jumps, I flinch.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300, posting his seventh top five of the year. He is 11th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 20 out of first.

“My ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll was accused of stealing from her charity,” Busch said. “It must take a lot of nerve, to be a government assassin and steal from your own charity.”

9. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Loudon and led 31 laps on his way to a sixth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300. He is ninth in the points standings, 19 out of first.

“That was my sixth pole of the season,” Edwards said. “So, much like former Cup champion Alan Kulwicki, I’ve taken a handful of ‘pole-ish’ victory laps.”

10. (tie): Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth at New Hampshire and now sits eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 17 out of first.

“I failed the post-race laser inspection at Chicagoland,” Johnson said. “I miss the good old days of NASCAR when I was winning championships and inspections were simply done with a fine-toothed comb.”

10. (tie): Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 13th at New Hampshire and is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 19 out of first.

“I’m in position to advance to the next round,” Elliott said. “I’m happy with my performance so far. I think I speak for myself, as well as any fan who meets me, when I say I’m happy with my ‘Chase experience.’”

September 26, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stormed back from a flat tire that left him a lap down to win the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 at Chicagoland. The win automatically qualified him for Round 2 of The Chase For The Cup.

“For the second consecutive race,” Truex said, “something became unraveled. This time, it wasn’t Tony Stewart.

“On a sad note, my car failed the post-race laser inspection. And I have to question to accuracy of NASCAR’s lasers. And when I say ‘lasers,’ I’m sarcastically using air quotes à la Austin Powers Dr. Evil.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Chicagoland and is now second in the points standings, one behind Martin Truex, Jr.

“Does a race sponsored by a television show called ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ really target the demographic NASCAR fans offer?” Keselowski said. “Maybe it does. NASCAR fans are not teenagers, or ninjas, or turtles, but they can often be classified as mutants.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took sixth in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 at Chicagoland, recording his 16th top-10 finish of the year.

“You read right,” Hamlin said. “This race was named after a turtle movie. But who’s surprised? This sport is all about sponsorship, so, in short, NASCAR was a shill for ‘shell.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Chicagoland, joining his Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski, who finished fifth, in the top five.

“I had a strong finish,” Logano said, “but more importantly, I didn’t run afoul of Matt Kenseth. But even more importantly, I didn’t run afowl of Ryan Newman. ‘Running a fowl’ of Newman means he calls you a ‘chicken.’”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a disappointing 20th at Chicagoland after falling a lap down early when an untimely caution came as he was preparing to pit under green.

“I’m not sure there even needed to be a caution,” Harvick said. “There was a loose tire that came to rest in the infield. That tire was harmless, and a threat to no one, but it cost me. Just call it ‘burned rubber.’”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Chicagoland after rain washed out qualifying and finished ninth.

“That’s a solid start to the Chase,” Busch said. “I have a title to defend, and that title is ‘2015 Sprint Cup Champion.’ My older brother Kurt has a title he reluctantly defends, and that title is ‘douchebag.’”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400, posting his 17th top 10 of the year.

“The Tony Stewart-Ryan Newman feud is not over,” Busch said. “Newman still appears to be pissed. You know, Newman has a B.S. degree in engineering from Purdue University. And if Stewart, likewise, had a B.S. degree, Newman would be fine with it, because Ryan doesn’t take no ‘B.S.’ from anyone.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th at Chicagoland, the only Joe Gibbs Racing driver who failed to finish inside the top 10.

“We just didn’t have it,” Edwards said. “I was on the outside looking in. What was I looking for? Answers, of course.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in his first career Chase For The Cup race.

“I was on my way to the likely win until Michael McDowell blew a tire,” Elliott said. “That brought out the final caution, and that cost me the win. That just goes to show the fine line between winning and losing, and that is the moral of the story. In the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400, I lost by a ‘hare.’”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Chicagoland, his chances at a win ruined by a late pit road speeding penalty.

“I’m pretty sure I wasn’t speeding,” Johnson said. “I know because I haven’t gone ‘too fast’ since I won my last Sprint Cup championship in 2012.

“Dale Earnhardt Jr. is not in the Chase For The Cup. But that doesn’t mean he’s not relevant. Also relevant is his crew chief, because ‘Greg Ives Matters.’”

September 20, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2006 points, six behind first place.

“We were much better in the pits,” Harvick said. “Fortunately, our lug nuts were the only thing that was ‘screwed’ in the pits at Richmond.

“Now, it would be negligent of me if I didn’t address the Ryan Newman-Tony Stewart issue. I’m employed by Tony, so you can guess where I stand. I guess what I’m saying is that lawyers aren’t the only people who defend Tony.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth in the Federated Auto Parts 400, posting his 12th top 10 of the year.

“The action didn’t really start until Tony Stewart wrecked Ryan Newman, Keselowski said. “Newman then had some choice words for Stewart. If implied accusations of a 2014 incident are the measuring stick for Newman’s vitriol, then he absolutely murdered it, or at least manslaughtered it.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Richmond and dominated the closing laps to win the Federated Auto Parts400. It was his third win of the season.

“I had to survive one final restart after a caution with three laps to go,” Hamlin said. “That was the last of 16 cautions on the night. After the race, I approached the flag stand and asked for the yellow flag and not the checkered flag.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch started ninth and finished ninth at Richmond. With four wins this year, Busch will start the Chase atop the standings alongside Brad Keselowski.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Brad or myself fall out of first after one race,” Busch said, “because neither of us can stand to be in the same place for very long.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2006 points, six out of the lead.

“The No. 78 Toyota failed the post-race laser inspection,” Truex said. “You never want to fail an inspection right before the Chase For The Cup begins, because you’re likely to get ‘pointed’ in the wrong direction.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Richmond, logging his 18th top 10 of the year.

“The Chase field is wide open,” Logano said. “You have household names, and you have some drivers who are not very well known. Let’s face it, when the Chase ends, you could hear the words ‘Chris Buescher’ and ‘2016 Sprint Cup champion,’ but probably not in the same sentence.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch led two laps and took eighth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond.

“There were a whopping 16 caution flags during Saturday’s race,” Busch said. “That’s just about how many red flags go up when I’m on a date.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled at Richmond, finishing 32nd, 41 laps off the pace.

“How about the Virginia Tech-Tennessee football game at Bristol Motor Speedway,” Edwards said, “There were over 156,000 people in attendance. Tire wear must have been an issue at Bristol because it was a blowout.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson recorded his third consecutive top-5 finish with a second at Richmond.

“Tony Stewart has intentionally wrecked two drivers in two consecutive weeks,” Larson said. “First, it was Brian Scott. Then, it was Ryan Newman. But, at least he just wrecked them.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Richmond, rebounding from a 33rd the previous week at Darlington.

“I’m looking for No. 7,” Johnson said. “Based on my mediocre performance this season, most people say the only ‘No. 7’ I could find is Regan Smith.”

September 12, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole after qualifying was rained out and finished second at Darlington.

“We faltered in the pits once again,” Harvick said. “We are losing so much time during pit stops, I understand the problem, this time, was a faulty air gun. Maybe it had trouble with lug nuts, but that gun had no problem shooting me in the foot.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski suffered a late loose wheel at Darlington and finished ninth. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“That was the second of two loose wheel incidents,” Keselowski said. “I haven’t seen this many problems with a wheel since the invention of the wheel.

“On another disappointing note, I was docked 10 points for failing a post-race inspection at Michigan. But I guess I should have seen it coming because NASCAR officials told me it was time for a ‘10-point inspection.’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Bojangle’s Southern 500 at Darlington, posting his ninth top-five result of the season.

“Bojangles is famous for its chicken,” Logano said. “Ryan Newman says I am too.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch started sixth at Darlington and finished 11th.

“How about that fight after the Camping World Truck Series race between Cole Custer and John Hunter Nemechek?” Busch said. “Nemechek’s actions were cold-blooded; Custer’s response was Cole-blooded. I wouldn’t be surprised if NASCAR takes the victory away from Nemechek. If that happens, then the son of the man known as ‘Front Row Joe’ will be known as ‘Front Row No.’”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 28 laps and held off the hard-charging Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win the Bojangle’s Southern 500 at Darlington. It was Truex’s second win of the season.

“Having Harvick chasing me only made me go faster,” Truex said. “Everyone knows, especially Brad Keselowski, that Harvick does his best ‘pushing’ when he’s behind you.”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 13 laps and came home fourth in the Southern 500, registering his eighth top five of the year.

“The Sprint Cup race lacked the exciting finish of the Camping World Truck Series race,” Hamlin said. “John Hunter Nemechek incited the ire of Cole Custer, and Custer responded with a flying takedown. I see a Bass Pro Shops promotion in the future for those two guys, because that’s textbook ‘bait and tackle.’”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch was wrecked with 40 laps to go at Darlington when Paul Menard’s lost control after his left-rear tire went flat. Menard slid up the track, sending Busch into the wall. Busch finished 34th.

“I don’t blame Menard,” Busch said. “He was totally innocent. For me to blame him for the crash would be like someone accusing a girlfriend of being a hired assassin.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished a disappointing 19th at Darlington, the only Joe Gibbs Racing driver to finish outside the top 11.

“Trust me,” Edwards said, “I know what it’s like to be an outsider. But that’s okay. When you’re an outsider at a NASCAR race, you have plenty of company, because porta-potties are known as ‘outsiders.’”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished sixth at Darlington, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin in the top 10.

“I can certainly relate to Cole Custer,” Kenseth said. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to tackle a rival driver. But racing isn’t football. Sure, there are similarities, like ‘false starts’ and ‘interference’ and ‘helmets.’ But there is considerable diversity in the two sports, such as NASCAR’s lack of diversity.”

10. Kyle Larson: One week after winning at Michigan, Larson was again strong at Darlington, leading 45 laps on his way to a third-place finish.

“I’m brimming with confidence,” Larson said. “And, unlike Kevin Harvick, I have nothing but good things to say about my pit crew. While Harvick is critiquing at the wrong moment, I’m peaking at the right moment.”

September 6, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Michigan and maintained the lead in the Sprint Cup points standings. He leads second-place Brad Keselowski by 25 points.

“Kyle Larson ran a great race,” Harvick said, “as did runner-up Chase Elliott. Those are two of the youngest drivers in NASCAR. Their combined age is 44. So, you could say ‘Youth was served’ on Sunday at Michigan, but not before ID’s were checked.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Michigan, posting his 11th top-five result of the season.

“Recent wind tunnel testing showed that Fords are at an aerodynamic disadvantage to the Chevys and Toyotas,” Keselowski said. “Who cares? You know what I say to the wind tunnel engineers when the No. 2 Miller Lite is set for testing? ‘Blow me.’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Michigan and led 24 laps en route to a 10th-place finish.

“That’s my second pole at Michigan this season,” Logano said. “This is amazing! Usually, when I hear the word ‘pole,’ it’s preceded by the word ‘bean.’”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered an early spin at Michigan and fell a lap down before eventually finishing 19th. He is sixth in the points standings, 103 out of first.

“The No. 18 car got away from me,” Busch said, “much like the No. 5 car ‘got away from me’ when I was a young, stubborn pain in the butt with Hendrick Motorsports. But I’ve matured. Now, I’m an older, stubborn pain in the butt with Joe Gibbs Racing.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin qualified third and raced to a ninth-place finish at Michigan, posting his 13th top-10 result of the year.

“Congratulation to Kyle Larson,” Hamlin said. “He has a ton of talent and is going to be challenging for wins for years to come. Kyle epitomizes the future of NASCAR because he’s white.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch took 12th in the Pure Michigan 400, joining Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick in the top 12.

“Our other teammates, Tony Stewart and Danica Patrick, had mediocre days,” Busch said. “Danica hasn’t had a top-12 finish all year. She’s lucky she has a job, and she’s lucky that Tony is fond of her. There’s nothing that Tony likes more than a meal ticket, and that’s being a meal ticket.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards started ninth in the Pure Michigan 400 and finished seventh, two spots behind Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin in seventh.

“Michigan’s two-mile D-shaped layout is a really fast track,” Edwards said. “Top speeds approached 220 miles per hour. That’s pure speed, and that’s certainly fitting in the Pure Michigan 400. Brooklyn, Michigan is proud to host this race, and I’m sure the town of Flint, Michigan would be proud to host the ‘Pure Water 400.’”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled to a 20th-place finish in the Pure Michigan 400.

“The day belonged to Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott,” Truex said. “I never really was competitive. In the Furniture Row’s chair department parlance, I took a ‘back seat’ to those guys.”

9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started second and led 37 laps at Michigan on his way to a sixth-place finish.

“We had a slow pit stop just past the midway point,” Johnson said. “That’s because the gas man had a problem getting the fuel in the tank. For this race, my gas man earned an octane rating of zero.”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson passed Chase Elliott on a restart with nine laps remaining to capture the Pure Michigan 400 at Michigan International Speedway. The win secured a spot for Larson in the Chase For The Cup, which begins September 18 at Chicagoland.

“I made Elliott my ‘Target,” Larson said, “and the Chase was on. That was a sponsor plug, a rival driver plug, and a plug for the NASCAR postseason in one sentence. I have truly arrived in this sport.”

August 29, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took the win in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race at Bristol. Harvick passed Denny Hamlin for the lead, and the rain returned soon after.

“It took nearly 24 hours for me to claim the victory,” Harvick said. “That’s what’s called ‘weathering the storm.’ Afterward, I was showered with adulation. And this win, my second of the season, has ‘whet’ my appetite for more. And that, my friends, is the end of my watered down plays on words.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s No. 2 Penske Ford was collected in a wreck on lap 374 when Kurt Busch got loose and started a chain reaction wreck. Keselowski finished 33rd.

“Kurt Busch took full responsibility,” Keselowski said, “but only for avenging his brother Kyle after I wrecked him on Friday night.”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch dominated the early and middle portions of Sunday’s race at Bristol before a malfunction sent him spinning up the track, and subsequently rammed by the No. 46 car of Justin Allgaier. The damaged ended Busch’s day, and he finished 39th.

“I called Allgaier and his spotter ‘morons,’” Busch said. “They were accused of incompetence. I was accused of being understated.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 19 laps at Bristol and finished third, posting his eighth top-five finish of the year. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 103 out of first.

“I didn’t get the win,” Hamlin said, “but I’m certainly pleased with a third-place finish. Championships have been built on the strength of top-five finishes, so I’m happy to leave on that note. And, with all the rain we saw in Bristol, I’m riding on a wave of momentum.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Bristol, scoring his ninth top-10 finish in the last 11 races.

“The Bristol race was jointly sponsored by Bass Pro Shops and the National Rifle Association,” Logano said. “Can you believe it? It’s a tale of water and guns that even an American Olympian in Brazil couldn’t make up.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch was battling for the lead on lap 374 when he got loose and spun, collecting and damaging several cars, including those of Brad Keselowski, Matt Kenseth, Jimmie Johnson, and Chase Elliott. Busch finished 38th.

“I took full blame for the accident,” Busch said, “which is always difficult, because, in the Busch family, we make it a habit of not taking responsibility for our actions.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole for the fifth time this season and finished sixth in the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race at Bristol, which, due to rain, was run on Sunday.

“They call me ‘Mr. Pole,’” Edwards said. “And by ‘they’ I don’t mean any of my ex-girlfriends. By ‘they,’ I mean the good folks over at Bass Pro Shops. They know poles. As for the National Rifle Association, they have a nickname for me as well. I win a lot of poles, but I don’t win them all. That’s why the NRA calls me ‘Semi-Automatic’ in qualifying.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd at Bristol, and is now eighth in the points standings, 123 out of first.

“As you know,” Truex said, “Furniture Row Racing moved from Chevy power to Toyota to start the 2016 season. Not that we’d forget, but all the rain at Bristol reminded us that we’re under the Toyota/Joe Gibbs Racing umbrella.”

9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson bounced back from a 40th-place finish at Watkins Glen with a seventh at Bristol. He is ninth in the points standings, 150 out of first.

“Weather definitely was a factor at Bristol,” Johnson said. “It reminded me a lot of the time after my six straight Sprint Cup championship when everyone was asking. ‘Who’ll stop the reign?’”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon raced to a fourth-place finish at Bristol, earning his fourth top five of the season. He moved up two places to 11th in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I think fans were happy to see the No. 3 car do well at Bristol,” Dillon said. “Personally, I felt empowered driving the car made famous by Dale Earnhardt. The only thing that could have my day better would have been putting the No. 3 into Victory Lane, or putting the No. 5 car into the wall. No offense to Terry Labonte.”

August 23, 2016