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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started 12th and finished third after battling with Martin Truex Jr. on the final lap at Watkins Glen. Keselowski leads Sprint Cup points standings by nine over Kevin Harvick.

    “I didn’t mean to spin Truex,” Keselowski said, “so I plan on apologizing to Martin in person in the near future. And, as you would expect for a personal apology to take place, you have to ‘make contact.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, posting his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “Brad Keselowski and myself were battling so hard for the lead late in the race,” Busch said, “that we allowed Denny Hamlin to pass us both for the lead. Finally, something Brad and I can agree on.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s day at Watkins Glen came to a halt six laps from the end when he was involved in a crash with Chris Buescher and David Ragan. Harvick finished 32nd

    “The No. 4 Busch Chevrolet was fast,” Harvick said, “but I got collected in a crash that caused serious damage. So, instead of heading to the mountains of Busch, I headed straight to the garage.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, holding off a hard-charging Martin Truex Jr. down the stretch.

    “As you may recall,” Hamlin said, “I let Tony Stewart win at Sonoma’s road course earlier this season. That wasn’t going to happen at Watkins Glen, no matter how bad Tony needed a win. What I said to Tony is something someone should have said to him long ago—‘no free lunches.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Watkins Glen, one day after winning Saturday’s XFINITY Series race.

    “I was so close to completing the weekend sweep,” Logano said. “Sadly, it wasn’t to be. I couldn’t bring the ‘broom,’ but I did bring the broom handle, which would be my skinny body. But I’ll put my abilities up against anyone in this sport. It just goes to show that you can be a heavyweight and a lightweight at the same time.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th in the Cheez-It 355, just missing out on his 17th top-10 finish of the year.

    “Road course racing really tests your braking ability,” Busch said. “You have to know exactly how hard you can brake without causing a mechanical failure. I should know, because I’ve pushed hundreds of cars, and even more people, to the ‘braking’ point.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Watkins Glen and led 25 laps on his way to a 15th in the Cheez-It 355.

    “That’s two poles at road courses this season,” Edwards said. “That’s two more than wins I have at road course races this year. If you give me one lap to dominate on a road course, it most definitely won’t be the last lap.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stalked Denny Hamlin over the closing laps at Watkins Glen before he was spun by Brad Keselowski. Truex finished eighth and is now eighth in the points standings,

    “I was initially upset with Brad,” Truex said. “You could see that after the race. During the ‘cool down’ lap, I was hot, and Brad was ‘not cool.’

    “But I later realized it was just what is known as a ‘racing incident.’ So, if I happen to wreck Brad sometime later this year, just chalk it up to ‘incidental’ contact.”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a number of penalties before his day ended abruptly when he slammed into Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s spinning No. 17 car in a lap 53 crash.

    “It’s a day I’d like to forget,” Johnson said. “But I think it’s a really bad time to wish for ‘memory loss.’”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart took fifth in the Cheez-It 355, posting his fifth top five of the season. Stewart is 26th in the points standings.

    “There were ‘Cheez-It’ billboards all over the Watkins Glen complex,” Stewart said. “And ‘Cheez-It’ was all over Greg Biffle’s No. 16 car. So, like one would expect, a NASCAR race was full of ‘crackers.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Pennsylvania 400 at Pocono as Chris Buescher took the unlikely win.

    “It was an unlikely win by Buescher,” Keselowski said. “And I was the ‘unlikeliest,’ because no one ‘unliked’ it more than me since I finished second.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch led one lap and finished ninth at Pocono, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “This day was all about Chris Buescher,” Busch said. “I’m not sure he realizes the magnitude of his victory. Despite the rain, it’s still going to take a while to soak in.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home fourth in the rain-shortened Pennsylvania 400, recording his ninth top-five result of the year.

    “I was without my crew chief Rodney Childers,” Harvick said. “He was suspended for the race for a lug nut violation. The lug nut issue wasn’t a big deal until Tony Stewart made it one. So, that’s just one more thing that Tony will get blamed for, and I hold him responsible for damages. Whether or not he accepts blame is another question entirely.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano was wrecked by Chase Elliott when Elliott got loose in the Tunnel Turn and collected Logano’s No. 22 Penske Racing Ford. Logano finished 37th, 23 laps off the pace.

    “I never thought I’d be wrecked by Chase Elliott,” Logano said. “But, if you get dangerously close to a certain rookie, driver, I suppose you become ‘Chase eligible.’”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th at Pocono, one spot behind younger brother Kyle, in Monday’s Pennsylvania 400.

    “I’m not exactly sure if anyone knows how to pronounce ‘Buescher,’” Busch said. “Luckily, we’ll only have to say it once, because this is probably the last you’ll hear of him.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Pocono, as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three cars in the top 10.

    “This may be the greatest upset in NASCAR history,” Edwards said. “Buescher is a 22-year-old rookie who just outsmarted a field comprised mostly of veterans to pull off an unlikely win. Often, the outcome at Pocono is decided by fuel mileage. This year, it was all about suspension, because Buescher’s win was a ‘shock.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started from the pole at Pocono and saw his day sour early when he blew a tire and hit the wall on lap 20.

    “Chris Buescher has the weather to thank for the win,” Truex said. “Ironically, it still rained on his parade.”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 16th at Pocono and has now gone 16 races since his last win.

    “That means Chris Buescher has more wins this year than me,” Johnson said, “as well as the same number of championships as me in the last five years. But luckily, I have six Sprint Cup championships to fall back on. Ironically, no one’s talked about the ‘Fall Of Jimmie Johnson’ since my last championship in autumn of 2010.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Pocono as rookie Chris Buescher won his first career Sprint Cup win.

    “Buescher may have just driven himself into the Chase,” Hamlin said. “More than likely, though, this may be his one moment of glory. But let’s face it. He had lots of help, like rain and the onset of darkness. So, if he wants to thank his ‘family,’ he should thank Mother Nature and Father Time.”

    10. Chris Buescher: Buescher won the Pennsylvania 400 by holding off on a pit stop as weather approached. NASCAR called the race with 22 laps remaining, giving Buescher his first Sprint Cup victory.

    “I have to thank the rain,” Buescher said, “as well as each and every cloud in the Pennsylvania sky, particularly Cloud 9, which is the one I’m on.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was collected in a lap 154 crash started when Carl Edwards got loose on a restart. Keselowski was able to stay on the lead lap, however, and finished 17th.

    “That accident was about the only excitement on Sunday,” Keselowski said. “I doubt the presence of ‘Mr. Excitement’ himself, Jimmy Spencer, could have improved things unless Kurt Busch’s face could also have been present.

    “It was brutally hot during the race. I heard there were several fans overcome by heat, and even more overcome by sheer boredom.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Indianapolis and led 149 of 170 laps in winning the Combat Wounded Coalition 400. It was Busch’s third win of the season.

    “The No. 18 Skittles Toyota was fast,” Busch said. “My opponents couldn’t see the rainbow, much less taste it.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Indianapolis, recording his 15th top 10 of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 14 over Brad Keselowski.

    “It was a bittersweet day for me,” Harvick said. “I had a great result, but Tony Stewart took his final lap around Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Fittingly, Tony puts the ‘round’ in ‘last go-round.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at Indianapolis, posting his 12th top 10 of the year.

    “It was a hot day at the Brickyard,” Logano said. “It was sweltering. Temperatures were approaching the hundreds, as was attendance.”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 16th at Indianapolis as younger brother Kyle won for the second straight year.

    “Kyle has won the last two Sprint Cup races at Indianapolis,” Busch said, “and he also won Saturday’s XFINITY race at the Brickyard. He’s made it a habit of kissing the bricks. I don’t know what it’s like to kiss a brick, but my girlfriends do.

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards got loose and slammed the wall on lap 154, taking out several cars in the process, and damaging his No. 19 Stanley Tools Toyota beyond repair. He finished 35th.

    “That accident was my fault,” Edwards said. “Of course, this isn’t the first time a prominent driver of the No. 19 has pleaded guilty. In my defense, though, I’m not doing meth.”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth in the Combat Wounded Coalition 400, scoring his ninth top 10 of the year.

    “I recently visited Furniture Row warehouse facilities,” Truex said, “and it reminded me of the grandstands at Indianapolis because there was nothing but empty seats.”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overcame a pit road speeding penalty and finished third at Indianapolis, posting his first top-five finish in the last eight races.

    “I got caught going faster than the law allows,” Johnson said. “That sounds like a quote from Kyle Busch.

    “Jeff Gordon filled in for Dale Earnhardt Jr. and did a mighty fine job. It was strange seeing Jeff in the No. 88 car. That’s because it’s strange seeing a Sprint Cup champion in the No. 88 car.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished second in the Combat Wounded Coalition 400, as Joe Gibbs Racing drivers captured three of the top four positions.

    “It was a great day for JGR,” Kenseth said, “and Japanese engine-makers. I think the Fords and Chevys knew they couldn’t compete, and they weren’t sure why. That left them ‘dis-Oriented.’

    10. Denny Hamlin: Denny Hamlin finished third at Indianapolis, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Kyle Busch and Matt Kenseth in the top four.

    “My good friend Tony Stewart said it was special taking one last lap around Indy with Jeff Gordon after the checkered flew,” Hamlin said. “And their embrace afterwards was equally as special. I think everyone who hugs Tony would agree on two things: 1) it is special, and 2) there’s no way I can wrap my arms all the way around Tony.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at New Hampshire, as handling issues derailed his chances for a third consecutive win.

    “The No. 2 Miller Lite car wasn’t at its best,” Keselowski said. “That’s opposed to the previous two weeks when it was Lite years ahead of the field.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth in the New Hampshire 301 as Matt Kenseth won. Harvick leads the Sprint Cup points standings with a 14-point cushion over Brad Keselowski.

    “We had one of the fastest cars,” Harvick said, “but we blew it during pit stops. Unfortunately, that’s become too often an occurrence. It seems like every time I make a pit stop, it’s a drive-through penalty. But I don’t want to name names, mostly because I don’t even know any of their names.

    “As far as speed goes, the No. 4 Jimmy Johns car is ‘freaky fast.’ As far as speed in the pits goes, the No. 4 Jimmy Johns pit crew is ‘freaky last.’”

    3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 22nd at New Hampshire, with a likely top-10 run soured by late contact that resulted in a rear tire rub.

    “It’s never a good thing when you radio your crew chief to say you’ve got tire rub,” Busch said. “That’s a story no one likes to tell. If I had to make it in book form, it would be a work of friction.’”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 20th after an accident with Ryan Newman caused a spin and cost Edwards hard-earned track position.

    “Congratulations to Matt Kenseth,” Edwards said. “I think he’ll enjoy that giant lobster given to the winner. They certainly have one thing in common—they’ll both soon be in hot water.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at New Hampshire, posting his eighth top five of the season. He is fifth in the points standings, 65 out of first.

    “Matt Kenseth ran the perfect race,” Logano said. “I think everyone would give him two thumbs up, except for NASCAR inspectors.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took the lead with 29 laps to go and maintained it through three subsequent restarts to win the New Hampshire 301, his second win of the year.

    “Unfortunately,” Kenseth said, “my car failed a post-race laser inspection. On the flip side, 39 other cars passed the post-race loser inspection.

    “But I’m not worried about failing inspection. When all is said and done, I’ll still have the win. So everything will be ‘fine.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a broken shifter midway through the race on Sunday and finished 16th, and is now seventh in the points standings, 96 out of first.

    “My shifter handle fell off,” Truex said, “and the car got stuck in fourth gear. And then I had to make an unscheduled pit stop, which pretty much ruined my chances of winning. Broken shifters suck. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. So, if you think my shift don’t stink, you are incorrect.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished eighth in the New Hampshire 301, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year. He is sixth in the points standings, 80 out of first.

    “Joe Gibbs racing drivers have won eight races this season,” Busch said, “and passed post-race inspections in all but one of those instances. That’s the definition of success, not failure. I’m not sure what part of Matt Kenseth’s car failed inspection, but it was detected via the use of a laser. I think lasers are great for NASCAR. That’s just one more thing, in addition to fans, that can get ‘lit’ at a NASCAR race.”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at New Hampshire, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. missed the race due to concussion-like symptoms,” Johnson said. “So Sunday was a day of mourning for the people of Junior Nation. Of course, Junior fans needed some clarification on exactly what a ‘day of mourning’ is. To most of them, ‘day of mourning describes’ a restaurant that serves all-day breakfast.”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart chased Matt Kenseth to the finish at New Hampshire and score the runner-up finish, his second consecutive top five.

    “There was no catching Kenseth,” Stewart said. “He drove a near flawless race. I say ‘nearly’ flawless because there’s one thing he could have done to make it a totally flawless race, and that’s wreck Joey Logano.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won for the fourth time this year, and second time consecutively, with the victory in the Quaker State 400.

    “That’s ‘2’ in a row,” Keselowski said. “I saved just enough fuel to make it to the finish line for my fourth win this year. That’s more than any other driver. But I’m not done yet. Trust me, I’ve got more left in the tank.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Kentucky and finished ninth, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “I led the most laps,” Harvick said, “and I had one of the strongest cars. I should have won, but I didn’t. Now I know what Richard Childress felt like in 2013 because I ‘let one slip away.’”

    3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth in the Quaker State 400, recording his sixth top-five finish of the year. He is third in the points standings, 16 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “There was a truck in the parking lot that caught fire during the race,” Busch said. “It was quite a spectacle. But there was ‘Smoke’ rising on the track as well; Tony Stewart finished fifth. And speaking of ‘finished fifths,’ there were a lot of empty bottles of bourbon littering the Kentucky Speedway infield. So, consider the sorrows of Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans drowned.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards closed the gap on Brad Keselowski in the closing stages at Kentucky, but Keselowski had just enough fuel to hold him off. Edwards settled for the runner-up spot and is now fourth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

    “I got all up on Keselowski’s bumper,” Edwards said. “Brad should consider himself lucky, because most drivers, like Matt Kenseth and Kevin Harvick, are used to me getting all up in their grill.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano blew a right-front tire early in the race at Kentucky and slammed the wall hard, severely crippling his No. 22 Penske Ford. Logano limped home with a finish of 39th.

    “That was the hardest hit I’ve experienced in a long time,” Logano said. “Ryan Newman once threatened to hit me that hard.

    “My teammate Brad Keselowski took the win with a perfect fuel mileage strategy. He saved fuel to the point where he didn’t even have enough to do a victory burnout. Now that’s what I call taking fuel mileage strategy to the extreme.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s sights on a win at Kentucky came crashing down when he was penalized for an illegal pass on pit road during a late caution. He eventually finished 10th.

    “NASCAR officials tell me it’s illegal to pass on the inside on pit road,” Truex said. “That pretty much ended my run to the front. You could say I had a ‘transmission” problem because I got ‘drive shafted.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch, who won at Kentucky last year, finished 12th in the Quaker State 400.

    “The finish to the race was very exciting,” Busch said, “with Carl Edwards chasing Brad Keselowski. But the real action was in the parking lot, where a truck caught on fire. Apparently, emergency responders pulled a person out of the truck. So, it seems the truck wasn’t the only thing ‘smoking.’”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered an early spin at Kentucky and smashed the wall exiting Turn 4, leading to a long night in the Quaker State 400. He eventually finished 32nd, 59 laps down.

    “I just got loose,” Johnson said. “The lower downforce package the cars are running make them hard to handle. But it’s no surprise grip is an issue with me. I won my last Sprint Cup championship in 2010, and things have been ‘slipping’ since then.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott was clipped by Ryan Blaney’s spin early in the race and limped home with a 31st at Kentucky.

    “I don’t fault Ryan for the accident,” Elliott said. “He comes from a reputable family, so I’m reluctant to throw blame around. Much like his father Dave, Ryan’s ‘done nothing’ in this sport.”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished fifth in the Quaker State 400, earning his second top-five of the year.

    “I’ve already got a win this season,” Stewart said. “The Chase format tells me I need to keep an eye on the top 30. My waist size tells me I need to keep an eye on the ‘bottom 50.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 115 of 161 laps and won the Coke 400, his first ever Sprint Cup win at Daytona. He is now second in the Sprint Cup points standings, only 14 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “That was my first win at Daytona,” Keselowski said, “and was made all the more satisfying because I held off both Kurt Busch and Kyle Busch. Therefore, after the race, it was a case of ‘sibling revelry.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was caught in an accident with 70 laps left, and limped home to a 39th-place finish, his worst of the year. He still holds the lead in the points standings, with a 14-point lead over Brad Keselowski.

    “That was a scary accident,” Harvick said. “I rammed into the back of Brian Scott’s No. 44 car and his car was briefly riding on top of mine. I’ve been known to carry a team, but never an opponent.”

    3. Kurt Busch: Busch was running third into the final corner before spinning through the infield grass after Joey Logano made contact with Busch’s No. 41 Chevrolet. He finished a disappointing 23rd,

    “I’m not sure what Logano was thinking,” Busch said. “I don’t think he was thinking. In other words, there was nothing going through his mind, so the best course of action is for me to knock some sense into him. Suffice it to say Logano is in my crosshairs, which, some to think of it, makes me a perfect match for a female assassin.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano helped push Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski to the win at Daytona and finished fourth in the Coke Zero 400.

    “I would have liked to win,” Logano said, “but I’m satisfied with my finish. Any ‘Fourth Of July’ is worth celebrating.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch chased Brad Keselowski late at Daytona, searching for any chance to pass for the win. Keselowski was able to defend his position well, and Busch settled for the runner-up spot.

    “Keselowski’s No. 2 got a serious push from Joey Logano,” Busch said. “I haven’t heard of a ‘boost’ like that since they found jet fuel in the Michael Waltrip Racing cars.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards started second at Daytona and led eight laps before a series of accidents left him with a 25th-place finish. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 58 out of first.

    “The No. 19 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota suffered a lot of damage,” Edwards said. “You could say it ‘hit more walls’ than a minority driver in NASCAR.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was one of 22 cars involved in a big wreck just past the halfway point at Daytona. Jamie McMurray and Kyle Larson made contact, and Johnson slammed into McMurray.

    “I would say McMurray is at fault for the accident,” Johnson said. “Just look at his car number; it says he’s ‘The Big 1.’”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott was one of several cars collected in a huge pileup just past the halfway point at Daytona. He eventually finished 32nd, 48 laps off the pace.

    “There were 22 cars involved in that accident, to be exact,” Elliott said. “And that resulted in a lot of damage. July 4th may be Independence Day, but July 2nd was ‘Indepen-dents Day.’

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th in the Coke Zero 400, one week after his runner-up finish to Tony Stewart at Sonoma.

    “I’ve experienced the highs and lows of racing this year,” Hamlin said. “I won February’s Daytona 500 by one the slimmest of margins in NASCAR racing history, and lost two weeks ago t Sonoma to one of the fattest of drivers.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 29th at Daytona after suffering damage in a big accident just past the halfway point. He is seventh in the points standings, 83 out of first.

    “That wreck affected 22 cars,” Truex said. “It seems that Jamie McMurray ordered ‘takeout.’ I guess, ironically, it was his lucky day, because everyone else had to pay for it.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 25th and finished sixth at Sonoma as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Tony Stewart grabbed the win.

    “Tony is a legend in the garage,” Harvick said, “as well as the kitchen. I’m proud to say I work for Tony. In other words, I’m on his payroll. And that roll is just one of many belonging to Tony.

    “How about that fight after the Camping World Truck series race on Saturday? It was a lot like a fight involving Sprint Cup drivers, just with punches.”

    2. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, posting his series-best 13th top 10 of the year. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 30 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “You probably saw a lot of people run over to Tony’s car in Victory Lane,” Busch said. “That wasn’t to congratulate him; it just takes that many people to pull Tony out of his car.”

    3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 and finished fourth as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three drivers in the top 10.

    “There was an all-out brawl after Saturday night’s Camping World Truck Series race,” Edwards said. “John Wes Townley and Spencer Gallagher wrestled and slugged it out after crashing. I think it’s great for the sport. To those drivers, I say ‘Keep on Truckin’!’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Sonoma and is now fourth in the points standings, 56 out of first.

    “Cheers to Tony Stewart,” Keselowski said. “What a great win for him. He’s a legend in this sport. In fact, you could say Tony puts the ‘ass’ in ‘ambassador.’

    “As you probably heard, Jeff Gordon and I sat down to talk about our recent disagreement. I guess we came to some sort of agreement. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to speak my mind. As everyone knows, I’m just as mouthy as I am ‘gummy.’”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch joined Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Denny Hamlin and Carl Edwards in the top 10 with a seventh-place finish in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “I hit a jackrabbit during Friday’s practice,” Busch said. “That was the worst case of wheel hop I’ve ever seen. Luckily, the collision didn’t cause much damage, at least to my car. Sure, the handling was off a little, but just by a ‘hare.’”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 13th at Sonoma as 45-year-old Tony Stewart took the win, his first since 2013.

    “I think everybody is happy that Tony won,” Johnson said. “Ironically, the only way that everybody can be happy is if Tony wins, because Tony’s never happy otherwise.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Sonoma, posting his fifth top-five result of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 71 out of first.

    “I had a great view of the Tony Stewart-Denny Hamlin battle for the win,” Logano said. “I think everyone was pulling for Tony to win, especially Hamlin.

    “But Tony’s win is great for NASCAR. The fans loved it. If there’s one thing Tony does well, it’s fill the stands. If there’s one thing Tony does better, it’s fill a seat.”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled in his first Sprint Cup race at Sonoma, finishing 21st.

    “Jeff Gordon says he’s interested in joining ‘Live’ with Kelly Ripa,” Elliott said. “I think it’s a great idea. If he gets the job, I think his first order of business should be doing a sit-down interview with Brad Keselowski. Jeff probably has other ideas; specifically, a ‘sit-down, shut-up’ interview with Keselowski.

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished second at Sonoma after battling former teammate Tony Stewart down the stretch. It was Hamlin’s fifth top-five finish of the year.

    “There are those that say I ‘let’ Tony win,” Hamlin said. “That my mistake in the final corner was intentional. People ask me, ‘Did you do that on purpose?’ The only thing I can say to that is, ‘For Christ’s sake, don’t ask Tony that question!’”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart passed Denny Hamlin on the final corner, just seconds after Hamlin passed him, to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “I snapped an 84-race winless drought,” Stewart said. “That a long time to go without a win. It’s the same feeling I get when I step on my bathroom scale because the ‘weight’ is over.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kurt Busch: Busch stretched his fuel mileage at Pocono and came away with the win, his first victory of the year.

    “The race was called the ‘Axalta We Paint Winners 400,’,eight” Busch said. “At least for me. For 39 other drivers, it was called the ‘Axalta We Ain’t Winners 400.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Pocono, posting his 11th top-10 finish of the year.

    “I lead second-place Kurt Busch by a whopping 25 points in the Sprint Cup points standings,” Harvick said. “You could say I ‘sit’ atop the standings, and I’m the only one that can say that. In fact, I’ve led the points standings for quite a while. So, I’ve been ‘sitting’ there for quite a while, so much so that my fellow competitors are often heard referring to me as ‘Can’t Stand Kevin Harvick.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Pocono and finished third, as Kurt Busch held off Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Keselowski at the finish.

    “I don’t appreciate Jeff Gordon’s comments during Monday’s race,” Keselowski said. “I expect Gordon to be impartial. In others words, he should hate everyone as much as he hates me.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards finieighthat Pocono, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth, who finished seventh, in the top 10.

    “I’d rather not finish behind Kenseth,” Edwards said. “I’d much rather confront him.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 31st at Pocono, 10 laps down, his day hindered by a brush with Pocono’s Turn 1 wall. It was his second straight finish outside the top 30.

    “I’m in sort of a slump right now,” Busch said, “but waiting out the weather delay on Sunday gave me time to reflect on the good things. There’s nothing like a little precipitation to remind you that you’re the ‘raining’ champion.”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson wrecked late while making an aggressive move to the inside of Casey Mears with 38 laps to go. He slammed the inside wall hard and eventually finished 35th, 35 laps down.

    “I checked with my teammate Chase Elliott,” Johnson said, “and he verified what I feared: I made a rookie mistake.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano started second on the front row beside pole winner and Penske teammate Brad Keselowski and took fifth in the Axalta We Paint Winners 400.

    “I’m not sure what Axalta is,” Logano said, “or why they would be painting winners. But rest assured, this is NASCAR. If Axalta is indeed painting winners, one color they won’t be using is black.”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott recorded his fifth top 5 of the year with a fourth at Pocono. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 77 out of first.

    “I had a chance to win,” Elliott said, “but I made an ill-advised attempt to pass Dale Earnhardt, Jr. late in the race. I guess I need to be more patient, but what race car driver worth his salt likes to be asked ‘What’s your hurry?’”

    9. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex, one of the pre-race favorites, was done in by two mishaps, one on accident on pit road, the other a late flat tire.

    “For the single car team,” Truex said, “that was you call a ‘double whammy.’ Which is all much akin to the phrase ‘One step forward, two steps back,’ which has been the story of my year.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh at Pocono, posting his fourth top-10 result in the last four races.

    “Kurt Busch surprised everyone with his fuel mileage,” Kenseth said. “Does he have a bottomless fuel tank? Who knows? Kurt’s theories on government assassins may not hold water, but his tanks certainly hold fuel.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick scored his third runner-up finish of the season with a second in the Coca-Cola 600.

    “I signed a contract extension with Stewart-Haas Racing,” Harvick said. “We met at the bargaining table; they made me an offer, I signed it, and, you know me, I pushed it back across the table.” Pushed.

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took third in the Coca-Cola 600 as Martin Truex Jr. captured a dominating win. Johnson is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 48 out of first.

    “Truex certainly had the best car,” Johnson said. “I got close to him a few times, but he just pulled away easily. I really think he was just toying with the other 39 cars. Really, I don’t think anyone has ‘played the field’ like that since Tim Richmond.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won the pole and led 392 of 400 laps on his way to a dominating win in the Coca Cola 600, leading all but 12 miles of the race.

    “We had the field covered,” Truex said, “or, in Furniture Row-speak, we had the field ‘upholstered.’ Everything went right for us, which was surprising. The way things had been going, I was expecting the wheels to fall off, both literally and figuratively.

    “Lewis Hamilton celebrated his Monaco Grand Prix with Justin Bieber. I hear he handed Bieber a bottle of champagne in Victory Lane. I’ve heard of DRS-enabled; Bieber at Monaco is a case of TMZ-enabled.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 33rd at Charlotte, eight laps down, suffering his second-worst result of the year, and second finish in a row of 30th or worse.

    “I slammed the wall hard with 10 laps to go,” Busch said, “and NASCAR didn’t even throw a caution. I guess NASCAR officials ‘86’ed’ the caution. Or maybe they ‘78’ed’ it.”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his 11th top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Charlotte. He is second in the points standings, trailing Kevin Harvick by 36.

    “I think everyone was happy to see Truex win,” Busch said. “I guess the old adage “Nice guys finish last” doesn’t apply, at least not now. I was skeptical, because with Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch winning the last two Sprint Cup championships, the old adage ‘A-holes finish first’ has been the norm.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards was penalized twice for speeding on pit row and suffered a finish of 18th, one lap down. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 53 out of first.

    “Busted for speeding twice,” Edwards said. “I think we’ve seen this before because this certainly isn’t the first time a NASCAR driver has been brought down by ‘two-timing.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home fifth in the Coca-Cola 600, posting his fourth top-five result of the season.

    “The Sunday before Memorial Day is the greatest day of the year in auto racing,” Keselowski said. “Race fans can start the day in Monaco, head to Indianapolis, and finish the day in Charlotte. In other words, race mileage is inversely proportionate to culture.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Coca Cola 600, joining Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski in the top 10.

    “I didn’t win on Sunday,” Logano said, “but I did win the All-Star Race last week. It’s nice to have my name engraved on the winner’s trophy. That’s a far cry from the rules for the All-Star Race, which are written in pencil.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished eighth at Charlotte, recording his fourth consecutive top-10 result. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “Martin Truex Jr. won one of NASCAR’s crown jewel races,” Elliott said. “The Coca-Cola 600. The Indianapolis 500 may have ‘Carburation Day;’ now, Truex can celebrate with ’Carbonation Day.’”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh at Charlotte, posting his third top 10 in the last three races.

    “Congratulations to Martin Truex Jr.,” Kenseth said. “You know, Joe Gibbs Racing shares an alliance with Furniture Row Racing. That means we share technical data, strategies, and a dislike for Carl Edwards.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch was one of many cars damaged on a lap 352 restart when Jimmie Johnson’s car got locked in second gear, causing a major incident that took out a number of contenders.

    “There was a time,” Busch said, “that when you mentioned ’18-car crash,’ people thought you were talking about just me.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 117 laps at Dover but was a victim of a huge pileup with 47 laps to go triggered by Jimmie Johnson’s slow car. Harvick finished 15th, one lap down.

    “Once again,” Harvick said, “I had the strongest car in the field but didn’t win the race. Carl Edwards would call that ‘choking.’”

    3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth at Dover, one of only fourteen cars on the lead lap at race’s end. He is third in the points standings, 32 out of first.

    “There are rumors that my Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick has an offer to join Hendrick Motorsports,” Busch said. “He would presumably replace Kasey Kahne, who’s under contract through the 2018 season. That means Kahne’s contract would have to be bought out in order for Harvick to join HMS. So, once again, I’m reporting that an acquaintance of mine is a ‘contract killer.’”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 27 laps at Dover before late contact with Kyle Larson’s No. 42 car sent Edwards’ No. 19 Toyota into the wall. Edwards finished 28th, 41 laps off the pace.

    “I think most drivers were impressed by the way Larson raced Matt Kenseth in the closing laps,” Edwards said. “But there’s no way anyone was more impressed by Larson’s patience than Kenseth.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 49 laps and survived contact with Austin Dillon’s No. 3 car to post a sixth in the AAA 400, his seventh top-10 result of the year.

    “I advocated making some slight adjustments to the Chase format,” Keselowski said. “NASCAR officials didn’t want to hear it, though. I guess they had enough talk of ‘tweaking’ when Jeremy Mayfield was driving.”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: On a restart with 47 laps to go, Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet locked gears, leading to a chain reaction crash behind him that affected 18 cars. Johnson limped home with a 25th at Dover.

    “I’m not sure what went wrong,” Johnson said. “All I know is instead of ‘Six-time,’ guys in the garage were calling me ‘Fix-time.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Like many, Logano’s No. 22 Penske Ford was caught in the restart accident with 47 laps to go, resulting in a 22nd-place finish.

    “As was the case last fall at Martinsville,” Logano said, “I got wrecked and Matt Kenseth came out the winner.”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Dover, scoring his third consecutive top 10 and again leading the charge for Hendrick Motorsports. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 77 out of first.

    “I’m not surprised at all I’m doing so well,” Elliott said. “I would say, ‘It’s no accident,’ but that may be considered a poor choice of words considering what happened to the rest of the HMS crew.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s misfortune continued at Dover, as his No. 78 Furniture Row Toyota was damaged in the big wreck with 47 laps to go. Despite the damage, Truex scrambled to salvage a ninth-place finish and is now ninth in the points standings, 82 out of first.

    “This team is cursed,” Truex said. “This team is also cursing, because we are sick and tired of our bad luck. It’s too bad NASCAR outlawed cigarette manufacturers from sponsorships because we would definitely want Lucky Strike on our car.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth won the AAA 400 at Dover, avoiding a huge crash that wiped out much of the field and holding off Kyle Larson for the win.

    “I knew Larson was coming for me,” Kenseth said. “You could say ‘I had a Target on my back.’

    “But I admire Kyle’s integrity in racing me clean for the win. Just ask Kyle Busch—there’s a fine line between racing a JGR driver like a gentlemen and racing a JGR driver like a teammate.”