Testing SpeedwayMedia.com

Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win the GoBowling,com 400 at Kansas. Busch is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, four behind Harvick.

“Harvick got right on my bumper,” Busch said, “and I thought for sure he’d bump me to get by. But he didn’t. Of course, everybody, Landon Cassill included, knows that Harvick is a man of great integrity. He would never wreck someone just so he could win a race. He would, however, wreck someone just so he could advance to the next round of the Chase.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was strong late at Kansas and nearly overtook Kyle Busch for the lead, but ultimately settled for second.

“I hit a piece of debris and damaged the splitter,” Harvick said. “Otherwise, I would have passed Busch easily. So, you could say that ‘piece of trash’ won.”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards tagged the wall early in the GoBowling.com 400, causing a flat tire that ultimately cost him two laps. But the No. 19 Stanley Tools team recovered to finish 11th. Edwards is third in the points standings, 23 out of first.

“I indeed hit the wall,” Edwards said, “but the damage was not severe. That’s a testament to the great engineering that goes into making these walls safe. So, while I can’t expect Kyle Busch to be, I can certainly expect walls to be ‘forgiving.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took 10th at Kansas, surviving a spin with 26 laps to go to post his sixth top 10 finish of the year.

“I got loose racing with Denny Hamlin,” Keselowski said. “Interestingly enough, there was no contact between us. That’s certainly not the first time Hamlin and I have looked at each other ‘sideways.’”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 17th at Kansas, his day sidetracked by a late pit road speeding penalty that cost him crucial track position.

“Track position was everything at Kansas,” Johnson said. “If you didn’t already know, ‘track position’ is NASCAR code for ‘it’s impossible to pass.’ That’s why you saw so many pit road speeding penalties. That’s where the action is. And that’s why, when you ask a driver about racing at Kansas, they always say, ‘It’s the pits.’”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished third in the GoBowling.com 400, recording his third top-five result of the year.

“Kansas Motor Speedway had a special booth set up where fans could buy a bowling ball and have finger holes drilled to their exact specifications,” Busch said. “They also had televisions broadcasting the race so fans wouldn’t miss a single minute. So, if you asked anyone what was going on in that booth or the race track, they’d tell you the same thing: ‘It’s boring.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano slammed into Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota after Hamlin and Brad Keselowski got loose in a lap 221 incident. The wreck sent the No. 22 Penske Ford to the garage and Logano finished 38th.

“Matt Kenseth and I spoke before the Kansas race,” Logano said, “and came to some sort of mutual understanding about our past issues. But it’s a tenuous peace treaty. We weren’t quite ready to shake hands, so instead, we just shook fists.”

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 15th at Kansas on a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports, which placed only one car in the top 10.

“My stepmother Teresa and my brother Kerry are locked in a court dispute over the use of the ‘Earnhardt’ name,” Earnhardt said. “I’m surprised Teresa didn’t have a problem with a race sponsored by bowling because she thinks the use of ‘3’ fingers is an infringement upon the name.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott recorded the best finish among Hendrick Motorsports drivers with a ninth in the GoBowling,com 400.

“I may not have the Cup titles of Jimmie Johnson,” Elliott said, “or the popularity of Dale Earnhardt Jr., or the wasted potential of Kasey Kahne. What I do have is a legendary pedigree and an iconic car number. So, unlike some other young drivers looking to make an impact in this sport, I don’t have to worry about making a name or a number for myself.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished sixth at Kansas, posting his sixth top 10 of the year.

“My No. 3 RCR Chevy was fast,” Dillon said. “My teammate Ryan Newman finished seventh. That means RCR put two cars in the top 10. Could we ever put three cars in the ‘top 10?’ Only if Paul Menard drops 20 digits from his car number.”

May 10, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in a wild and crash-filled Geico 500 at Talladega as Brad Keselowski captured the win. Busch is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, nine behind Kevin Harvick.

“I finished second,” Busch said, “and Carl Edwards finished 35th. Just like last week, I see Edwards behind me.

“Everybody knows I owe Carl Edwards. Carl knows, too. I told Carl I’d give him fair warning, though. That’ll come in the form of Jamie McMurray. When Carl sees McMurray, he’ll know he’s got ‘1’ coming.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s strong day at Talladega ended on a sour note when he was sucked into a last-lap pileup. He finished 15th.

“Danger is always a factor at Talladega,” Harvick said. “Nothing speaks to that better than the fact that Busch beer was on the No. 4 Chevrolet for the race. Whether you’re headed to the mountains of Busch or the air of Talladega, you’re likely to get wasted.

“Tony Stewart started the race. Ty Dillon took over after the first caution. That was at the orders of Tony’s doctors. So, it was good news for Tony’s back, and his stomach.

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards suffered damage in a lap 96 incident, then blew a tire on lap 111 and slammed Jimmie Johnson. The wreck ended Edwards day, and he finished 35th in the Geico 500 at Talladega.

“I still haven’t spoken to Kyle Busch about bumping him out of the lead at Richmond,” Edwards said. “I expect I will at some point. When I do want Kyle’s attention, I’ll just tap him on the shoulder.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led a race-high 46 laps and won the Geico 500.

“There are two types of people that love racing at Talladega,” Keselowski said. “Fans, and the race winner.

“But seriously, Brian France claims to have safety in mind for the drivers, but what’s more likely to be hurt are his feelings, not a driver. If you can’t take criticism from Tony Stewart, you’re not fit to be in this sport, because everyone’s been criticized by Tony.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s day ended early after a lap 160 incident with Kurt Busch that sent Johnson into the wall. Johnson finished 22nd, six laps down.

“Busch just ran right through me,” Johnson said. “Kurt’s been known to charge with full ferocity. But it’s one thing to pin your ears back surgically, which Kurt had done in 2006, and pin your ears back figuratively, which he did at Talladega.”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt started third at Talladega and struggled from the start, spinning on lap 50 before being taken out by Carl Edwards after the No. 19 car blew a tire. Earnhardt finished 40th.

“My steering wheel came off at one point during the race,” Earnhardt said. “Here’s the interesting thing: that’s the best my car drove all day.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch ran up front for much of the day at Talladega and delivered an eighth-place finish in the Geico 500.

“To succeed at Talladega,” Busch said, “you have to find the right balance of patience and aggression. The problem with fellow drivers have with me is they lose their patience altogether.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 25th at Daytona, with a strong run negated by a last-lap pileup that victimized the No. 22 and several other cars. Logano is fifth in the points standings, 35 out of first.

“Cars were going airborne right and left,” Logano said. “As a driver, you hate to see that. It sends a chill up your spine and makes your testicles retract way up into your abdomen. That’s a real ‘aero package.’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott won the pole at Talladega, thirty years after his father Bill did and came through with a fifth in the Geico 500.

“’Like father, like son,’ as they say,” said Elliott. “I guess it runs in the family. I could say, ‘I have speed coursing through my veins,’ but I’d rather not be mistaken for Jeremy Mayfield.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished third at Talladega, earning his third top-five of the year.

“There was a lot of duct tape used at Talladega on Sunday,” Dillon said. “That’s not unusual. This is Alabama. Duct tape is a part of life. Heck, it’s part of the state flag.”

May 3, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 78 laps at Richmond, including 35 of the last 36, but couldn’t close the deal on the win as Carl Edwards bumped him out of the lead on the final lap. Busch’s runner-up finish was his seventh top five of the year and he is now fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m very emotional after losing,” Busch said. “You could say I was ‘moved’ by Edwards.

“I want to talk about Edwards about as much as I do about hitting a fan at Bristol. Really, I don’t want to talk about that fan I hit. That’s what happens when the ‘shhhh’ hits the fan.”

2. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 151 of 400 laps at Richmond and stalked Kyle Busch for several laps before bumping him out of the way on the final circuit. Edwards took his second consecutive win while Busch was prevented from capturing his third victory of the year.

“I know Kyle is one of my Joe Gibbs Racing teammates,” Edwards said, “but a win is a win. Thus, you saw my celebratory back flip preceded by the predatory backstab.”

“I’m sure Kyle would have done the same thing had he been in my shoes. And I mean that as a compliment to Kyle. And I’m sure he’ll return the favor.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Richmond after qualifying was rained out and finished fifth for his fourth top five of the year.

“It’s good to see Tony Stewart back in racing,” Harvick said. “And I think it’s ludicrous that NASCAR chose to fine him. If you’re going to mention ’35,000’ and ‘Tony Stewart,’ it should only be in a discussion of his weekly calorie intake.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Richmond, posting his fifth top-five result of the year.

“It’s good to see Tony Stewart back in a race car,” Johnson said, “and I applaud his critical comments of NASCAR safety. Tony speaks for a lot of us because he’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind. It takes bravery to say the things Tony does. Let’s just say where balls are concerned, Tony has a huge pair. With that comes great responsibility, and I surely wouldn’t want to lug those nuts around.”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt saw a potential top-10 finish fall by the wayside after a late restart shuffled him back in the field. He finished 13th and is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“Can you imagine the turmoil had Jimmie Johnson bumped me out of a sure win?” Earnhardt said. “The fans of Junior Nation would have rioted. They certainly would have tossed their beer cans onto the track. Only the empties, of course.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 55 laps and finished 10th in the Toyota Owners 400, scoring his sixth top 10 of the year.

“My brother Kyle was very disappointed in losing that race,” Busch said, “and so was his wife Samantha. So much so that she uttered the ‘S’ word on national television. But Kyle wants everyone to rest assured that she’s not the only one on the ‘S’ list.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano fell a lap down early at Richmond but rebounded and came home with a ninth-place finish.

“I made contact with Tony Stewart early in the race,” Logano said, “and it resulted in a flat tire for Tony. I’m sure he wasn’t happy about that. He probably uttered some profanities directed at me. Samantha Busch used the ‘S’ word; Tony used the ‘little S’ word.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started fifth and finished sixth at Richmond as Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch finished 1-2.

“NASCAR fined Tony Stewart $35,000 for his comments regarding lug nuts,” Hamlin said. “I disagree with this. Tony should be able to speak his mind freely without the threat of retribution. So, he should be given the same privilege he refuses to give anyone else.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond while Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano finished eighth.

“I don’t blame Carl Edwards for bumping Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said. “If the tables were turned, I’m sure Kyle would have done the same thing. And speaking of ‘turned tables,’ I’m sure Kyle will flip a few in the next JGR drivers meeting. Heck, Kyle didn’t think twice about hitting a random fan. After what happened at Richmond, I doubt he’ll think at all before bumping Edwards.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth at Richmond, posting his fourth top 10 of the year. He is 10th in the points standings, 85 out of first.

“I can’t imagine being bumped out of the lead by a teammate,” Truex said. “That’s because I don’t have a teammate.”

April 27, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Bristol, posting his seventh top-10 result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by a single point over second-place Carl Edwards.

“The No. 4 Hunt Brothers Pizza Chevrolet was pretty strong at Bristol,” Harvick said. “Jimmy Johns slogan is ‘Freaky Fast.’ Hunt Brothers Pizza’s logo is ‘You’ll Need A Bathroom—Freaky Fast.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch, seeking his third consecutive win, experienced a tough day at Bristol. His day ended on lap 256 when he blew a right-front tire and slammed the wall. He finished 38th.

“I had an early spin,” Busch said, “then suffered a speeding penalty. And I blew two tires. Right-front tires on Joe Gibbs Racing cars were like seats at Bristol Motor Speedway—they were most likely empty.

“While driving to the garage, my car made contact with a fan. I seem to be making a habit of running into fans off the track. That 38th-place finish was only my second out of the top 5 this season. So, relatively speaking, my day was ‘pedestrian.’”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Bristol and led 276 of 500 laps, capturing the Food City 500 in dominating fashion.

“Of course,” Edwards said, “I performed my celebratory backflip after the race. Unlike Kyle Busch, the only thing I nailed was the landing.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a late loose wheel issue and finished a disappointing 23rd in the Food City 500.

“That loose wheel ruined a potential top 5,” Johnson said. “That’s called getting ‘screwed unscrewed.’”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After a slow start, Earnhardt recovered to score the runner-up spot in the Food City 500. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 37 out of first.

“I accidentally hit the kill engine switch when the green flag dropped,” Earnhardt said. “Those kill switches are necessary in this sport. Now, they’d be of more use if they could be applied to pre-race prayers.

“I was lucky enough to meet Peyton Manning. He gave me a Broncos jersey; I gave him a HANS device.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 41 laps and finished third in an entertaining Food City 500 at Bristol.

“My brother Kyle made contact with a fan as he drove his damaged car to the garage midway through the race,” Busch said. “I guess the fan didn’t see Kyle coming. Some say our cars should be outfitted with horns. Others say they shouldn’t because there’s already too many ‘honk-ies’ in this sport already.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano posted a 10th-place finish at Bristol, recording his fifth top 10 of the year.

“How lucky is Dale Earnhardt Jr.?” Logano said. “He got to meet Peyton Manning. But how lucky is Manning? He received the grand tour of Bristol Motor Speedway by Earnhardt himself. Talk about a ‘Thunder Valet.’”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 20th at Bristol as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Carl Edwards took the win.

“JGR took four of the top five qualifying positions,” Hamlin said. “Only Carl Edwards was able to close the deal, however. By ‘closing the deal,’ I mean driving back to the garage without running over someone.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski had a top-10 car until a late tire issue set him back. He finished 18th and is now eighth in the points standings, 63 out of first.

“Luckily,” Keselowski said, “the fan that Kyle Busch hit was not injured. I guess God was looking out for her. I like to believe that had I been in that fan’s shoes, a higher power would have pushed me out of the path of the car, hopefully before Kevin Harvick pushed me into it.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started eighth and finished 14th in the Food City 500.

“It’s interesting the way Kyle Busch keeps meeting NASCAR fans,” Truex said. “It’s either (get out of) my way’ or ‘the highway.’”

April 19, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch won his second consecutive race, passing Martin Truex Jr. on a restart with 33 laps to go and cruising to the win in the Duck Commander 500.

“That’s two wins in two weeks,” Busch said, “in two different states, both pretty convincingly. What I’ve done to the rest of the field is known as ‘Interstate Battery.’

“It’s funny, given the misguided political opinions of the likes of Brian France and Phil Robertson, that NASCAR has become a haven for people endorsing candidates. Much like American presidential elections, NASCAR crowns a winner in November. That will be me. I’m here today to announce my 2016 slogan for repeating as Sprint Cup champion: ‘Make America One-Eight Again.’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth at Texas, posting his fourth top five of the season.

“We got off to a shaky start,” Johnson said. “On our first pit stop, I banged the back of Kyle Busch’s car. That left the No. 48 Chevrolet with some damage to the nose. That, of course, made the car difficult to drive. Trust me. I’m a triathlete—I know an ‘out-of-shape’ car when I see one.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Texas, earning his sixth top 10 of the season. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, seven behind Kyle Busch.

“We had a top-10 car,” Harvick said, “and nothing else. It was clear early on that we weren’t going to win. In other words, we ‘didn’t have a prayer,’ which would also happen to be a good position for NASCAR to take in regards to pre-race ceremonies.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards, along with Martin Truex Jr., had one of the fields best cars at Texas, but failed to secure the win due to a loose wheel with 113 laps to go.

“Speaking of a ‘screw loose,’” Edwards said, “did you hear Phil Robertson’s pre-race prayer? It was more quotable than the Bible itself.

“Now, I’m frankly sick and tired of congratulating Kyle Busch on his victories. If he wants a pat on the back, he’ll have to get it from someone else, because when I joined JGR, I promised Matt Kenseth I wouldn’t raise a hand to anyone.”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second in the Duck Commander 500 at Texas as Kyle Busch took the win.

“Once Kyle got into clean air,” Earnhardt said, “there was no stopping him. I think Phil Robertson said it best when he quipped, ‘Jesus man, that car is fast.’

“Texas Motor Speedway had on display the taxidermied ‘Lil’ Dale’ goat. That goat rose to fame when it was born in 2002 with a marking on its side that looked like the No. 3. Despite the fact that ‘Lil’ Dale’ is a male, he’s been milked for all he’s worth.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch took ninth in the Duck Commander 500 as younger brother Kyle gained his second consecutive win.

“Kyle is on a roll,” Busch said. “He won four races across three NASCAR series in eight days. You can say he’s done just about everything, except accuse his wife of being an assassin.”

“In his pre-race prayer, Phil Robertson asked the Lord to put a ‘Jesus man’ in the White House. I’m not sure Robertson is qualified to speak intelligently about religion or politics, or to speak intelligently period. But you know the old saying: ‘Robertson 3:16 says I’m just talking out my ass.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the Duck Commander 500, recording his third top-five finish of the year.

“Dale Earnhardt Jr. created a stir on Twitter,” Logano said, “when he tweeted about eating a banana and mayonnaise sandwich. I received a lot of unwanted responses because Junior happened to add ‘#SlicedBread’ to his tweet.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started sixth and finished 12th as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 12, led by Kyle Busch’s win. Hamlin is eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

“JGR is building a dynasty,” Hamlin said, “and unlike some other ‘dynasties,’ this one isn’t full of quacks. And speaking of ‘duck calls,’ did you hear the national anthem performed by Will Robertson? He hit all the notes. And by ‘all’ the notes, I mean one. But Will has one thing going for him—he’s adopted.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 19th at Texas and is now eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

“Once again,” Keselowski said, “politics made its way into NASCAR when Phil Robertson prayed for a ‘Jesus man’ in the White House. This happened just weeks after Brian France endorsed Donald Trump for President. What’s next? Robertson and France start a NASCAR team and call it ‘Presidential Racing?’”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led a race-high 147 laps but couldn’t hold off Kyle Busch on a late restart, and eventually finished fifth.

“I clearly had the best car,” Truex said, “but what I lacked was a little luck, or maybe a little bible, and a little gun. But I don’t need anyone to tell me that we let a win slip away. I also don’t need anyone to tell me who to vote for, or anyone to pray for me.”

April 12, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 352 of 500 laps on his way to a commanding win in the STP 500, his first ever Sprint Cup win at Martinsville.

“Finally,” Busch said, “I get the Martinsville grandfather clock. After 21 tries, I can look at this trophy and confidently say, ‘It’s about time.’

“Leading 352 of 500 laps is just pure dominance. I’m shocked that the car was a good as it was. And my crew chief Dave Rogers was as well. After the race, he said to me, ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth in the STP 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the year. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, four behind Kevin Harvick.

“I advocate stronger concussion protocols in our sport,” Johnson said. “Chad Knaus disagrees. He’s against anything that calls for more thorough inspections.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th at Martinsville, his first result outside the top 10 this season.

“If you would have told me before the race,” Harvick said, “that I’d finish one spot behind Danica Patrick, I would have said, “I guess I didn’t finish second.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took sixth in the STP 500 as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch won. Edwards is 14th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 14 out of first.

“Congratulations to Kyle,” Edwards said. “In his victory burnout, he smoked the tires. And speaking of ‘smoking’ the tires, NASCAR driver Derek White was arrested by Canadian police in a tobacco smuggling ring. Authorities seized 52,800 kilograms of tobacco. I guess where tobacco in concerned, the US-Canada border is unfiltered.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recorded his second top-five finish of the year with a fifth at Martinsville.

“It was a typical day at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “There was beating and banging, grumbling, and a few caution flags. These are all examples of your stomach warning you after eating a Martinsville hot dog.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th at Martinsville as younger brother Kyle won. Busch is seventh in the points standings, 44 out of first.

“I’m proud of Kyle for winning his first Martinsville grandfather clock,” Busch said. “As you know, clocks have little hands and big hands, and Brian France earlier made his political endorsement based on that criteria.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole but went a lap down early at Martinsville, as tire grip issues sent him backward. However, he recovered to post a solid 11th, and now occupies the fifth spot in the points standings.

“We hit a rough patch to start the race,” Logano said, “but we worked things out. That’s a testament to the preparation and attention to detail of this team. There’s a lot to be said for crossing your T’s and dotting your ‘squinty and douchey’ ‘I’s.’

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin crashed early and finished a disappointing 39th in the STP 500 at Martinsville.

“The wreck was the result of a wheel hop,” Hamlin said. “Frankly, I’m embarrassed that it happened. I’m also angry. You could say I’m ‘hopping mad.’ Ironically, if you’ve ever seen me play basketball, you know I’ve never been accused of having ‘mad hops.’”

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After falling a lap down early at Martinsville, Earnhardt battled his way back to score a respectable 14th-place finish. He is ninth in the points standings, 48 out of first.

“As you probably heard,” Earnhardt said, “I decided to donate my brain to concussion research. My dad made a lot of enemies on the track, so you can add ‘science’ to the list of entities that wanted an Earnhardt’s head on a platter.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon posted his second top-five finish of the year with a fourth at Martinsville. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 44 out of first.

“Joey Logano finished 11th,” Dillon said, “and Matt Kenseth finished 15th. So, much like the last race here, there were four drivers ‘separating’ the two.”

April 5, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson got by Kevin Harvick on a late restart and won the Auto Club 400, giving him 77 career wins, one more than the late Dale Earnhardt.

“’Superman’ was on my car today,” Johnson said, “and his superpowers seemed to rub off on me. Some say I leap tall buildings; others, like maybe Kevin Harvick, say I jump restarts.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated at Fontana, leading 142 of 205 laps, but fell short after a late caution evaporated his sizable lead. Jimmie Johnson slipped by Harvick on the restart, leaving Harvick with another runner-up finish, his 15th in the last two seasons.

“Unless it’s not a tenth of a second,” Harvick said, “I’m getting tired of hearing about seconds.

3. Kyle Busch: Busch blew a tire late at Fontana on Sunday, the same fate he suffered in Saturday’s XFINITY Series race. Busch eventually finished 25th and dropped three places in the points standings.

“I’m not sure what’s going on with our tires,” Busch said. “Is Goodyear peddling faulty rubber? It would take a real sales job to sell bad tires to an established racing team. So, who’s the real person with superpowers? Batman, Superman, or the Goodyear Pimp?

“I gave NASCAR an earful after they refused to wave a caution flag when I blew the tire in the XFINITY race. Of course, they’ll levy a hefty fine on me I’m sure. But that’s okay. The Busch family ‘swear jar’ is a 55-gallon drum.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards started fifth at Fontana and finished seventh, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“The No. 19 Toyota was fast,” Edwards said, “but it just didn’t have the handling to put me over the top. I was fighting the steering wheel all day. I know my sponsor Subway would rather not hear these two particular words, but Sunday was a ‘hard drive.’”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch started 26th and started from the rear in a backup car, leading to a long day at Fontana. He finished 30th, the last car on the lead lap.

“I got rammed by Dale Earnhardt Jr.,” Busch said, “and I’m angry. Junior had Batman on his car, which made me want to go ‘Robin’ on him, with a ‘trusty sidekick’ to the head.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano took fourth in the Auto Club 400, scoring his second top-five finish of the year. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 30 out of first.

“Hey,” Logano said, “I love Batman and Superman. Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt Jr. showed me that it’s cool to have ‘Superfriends’ on their cars. Matt Kenseth showed me that it’s not so great to have an ‘Avenger’ in his car.”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Fontana, posted his second consecutive third place finish. He is now fourth in the points standings, 25 out of first.

“Kasey Kahne wrecked Danica Patrick,” Hamlin said, “and Danica was none too happy. I think it’s safe to say, despite all the images of Batman and Superman at the race, Patrick and Kahne won’t be ‘super friends.’

“Me? I had my issues with Danica, and I’ve tried talking to her face to face to come to some resolution. It hasn’t always worked. Talking to Danica is like talking to a wall, a very pretty wall.”

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th in the Auto Club 400 as Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson captured the win.

“The No. 88 Chevrolet sported a ‘Batman’ theme in connection with the ‘Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn Of Justice’ movie,” Earnhardt said. “And my merchandise tent did as well. We were selling any and everything that had a bat on it—hats, T-shirts, flags, all kinds of crap. You know my fans—they’ll go bat ‘S’ crazy over bat ‘S’ if it has my name on it.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the Auto Club 400, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fourth, in the top 10.

“I love the way NASCAR is promoting the upcoming ‘Batman Vs. Superman’ movie,” Keselowski said. “I think most drivers would say this sport needs more heroes. Danica Patrick would say this sport needs more heroines. Jeremy Mayfield would say this sport needs more heroin.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon started on the pole in the Auto Club 400 yet didn’t lead a single lap and finished a distant 24th. He is 10th in the points standings, 56 out of first.

“The heck with Sunday’s race,” Dillon said. “Let’s talk about Saturday’s race. I won when Kyle Busch blew a tire and Daniel Suarez ran out of gas. I haven’t had a race handed to me like that by anyone other than my grandfather.”

March 22, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Phoenix to post his fourth top-five finish of the season. He is tied with Kevin Harvick for the lead in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m surprised Carl Edwards and Kevin Harvick both didn’t wreck each other before they reached the finish line,” Busch said. “I think it would have made for great controversy, although their cars would have been torn up. But I would have been more than happy to pick up the pieces.

“As for being co-leader in the points, there’s only thing I care to share with Harvick, and that’s mutual hatred.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick battled Carl Edwards door to door over the final lap at Phoenix and held on to win the Good Sam 500 by .01 seconds.

“I was surprised I was able to hold off Edwards,” Harvick said. “He may have had fresh tires, but I had a flag that said, ‘Don’t tread on me.’”

3. Carl Edwards: Despite having fresh right-side tires for the final restart at Phoenix, Edwards was unable to complete the pass on Kevin Harvick, instead losing by .01 seconds.

“Harvick and I traded a lot of paint,” Edwards said. “We were racing so close, I felt like I could have reached over and grabbed him by the throat. The only thing that’s clashed harder than our cars is our personalities.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Phoenix after starting in a backup car, due to a wreck in Friday’s qualifying.

“My steering wheel literally came loose in my hands,” Johnson said. “I guess that would be the most severe case of ‘losing your handling.’ And what an impact. I haven’t ‘hit a wall’ like that since right after winning my sixth championship.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Good Sam 500, recording his fourth top 10 of the year. He is fourth in the points standings, 17 out of first.

“That’s a top 10 in each race this year,” Busch said. “That’s called consistency, which is a word that is not used very often to describe me, particularly the history of my mental state.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 18th at Phoenix after his crew failed to fill his fuel tank on what should have been his final pit stop. Logano was forced to pit for a splash of gas, which likely cost him a top 10.

“I thought for sure we got all the fuel in,” Logano said. “Even Matt Kenseth would vouch for that fact—he said I ‘was full of it.’”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started third at Phoenix, part of a 1-2-3 Joe Gibbs Racing sweep in qualifying, and finished third, posting his first top-five since winning the Daytona 500.

“What a finish between Kevin Harvick and Carl Edwards,” Hamlin said. “I think many people are surprised that Edwards didn’t send Harvick into the wall to get past him, as NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt would have done. But let’s be serious. Only one person considers Edwards the ‘Intimidator,’ and that’s Matt Kenseth.”

8. Austin Dillon: Dillon took ninth in the Good Sam 500, posting his third top-10 result of the year.

“It was an otherwise lousy day for Richard Childress Racing,” Dillon said. “My teammates Ryan Newman and Paul Menard finished last and next-to-last. Both suffered right-front tire failures. Some will ask: ‘Who blows more? The tires, or the drivers?’ In any case, Ryan and Paul will always have a job with RCR, probably as the guys who scuff the surface of new tires, because they’re scrubs.”

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home fifth at Phoenix, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

“It’s too bad it didn’t end with tempers flaring,” Earnhardt said. “That would have made for a perfect ‘March Mad-ness’ tie-in.”

10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski suffered a blown right-rear tire on lap 226 at Phoenix, and the resulting damage left the No. 2 Penske Ford with a 29th-place finish.

“What an entertaining finish,” Keselowski said. “Carl Edwards and Kevin Harvick put on quite a show. Rest assured, when those two are battling for something, it’s definitely not a popularity contest. I really would have loved to have been part of an Edwards-Harvick duel, preferably as the guy that says, ‘Take 10 paces, turn, and fire.’”

March 15, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led late at Las Vegas but was passed with five laps to go by Brad Keselowski, who went on to win the Kobalt 400. Busch leads the Sprint Cup points standings by six points over Jimmie Johnson.

“The No. 18 M&M’s car had a late wheel vibration that affected the handling,” Busch said. “If that type of vibration happens to the No. 48 car, you’d call it a ‘Shimmie Johnson.’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led a race-high 76 laps and finished third in the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

“It was a grueling race due to the weather,” Johnson said, “and that takes a physical toll on a driver. Take it from a guy who runs triathlons—even I was ‘winded’ afterwards.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took seventh at Las Vegas, piloting the No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevy to its third top-10 finish of the year.

“NASCAR legend Mark Martin has endorsed Donald Trump as the Republican nominee for President,” Harvick said. “Martin urged Trump to ‘build that wall.’ A lot of people have urged Trump to do that. Some have even encouraged him to build that wall out of Muslims. I don’t know how high a wall would be needed to prevent illegal aliens from crossing the border. I do know that a four-foot wall would prevent Mark from seeing over it.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished second to Brad Keselowski as Penske Racing swept the top two places at Las Vegas. Logano is fourth in the points standings, 12 behind Kyle Busch.

“That’s right,” Logano said, “Penske drivers went 1-2 at Vegas. I think we could make a habit of taking the top 2 positions at future races. Other drivers have already nicknamed us ‘The Old One-Two,’ but mostly because our faces are so punchable.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole for the second consecutive week and had a strong run waylaid when he was collected in a crash with Carl Edwards caused by Matt Kenseth’s spin. Busch salvaged a ninth-place finish and is fifth in the points standings.

“The wind was blowing something fierce,” Busch said. “There were gusts upwards of 50 miles per hour. In NASCAR, we call that ‘da breeze caution.’ In the NHRA, they call that ‘Gale Force.’ No relation to John.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recovered from a pit road speeding penalty and passed Kyle Busch with five laps to go to win the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas. Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took second.

“It wasn’t easy passing Kyle,” Keselowski said. “I really had to work for it, as Kyle doesn’t concede position easily. If you mention the words ‘push over,’ Kyle won’t respond. Now, if you mention the words ‘pull over,’ Kyle will respond, especially if you’re a state trooper.”

7. Carl Edwards: After a wreck in practice, Edwards resorted to a backup car and finished 18th at Las Vegas. He sits seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 20 out of first.

“Las Vegas is a favorite stop on the circuit for many drivers,” Edwards said. “We all head to the casinos with high hopes, and leave with lighter wallets. Of course, you can’t talk about ‘blow money’ without mentioning Tim Richmond. He would have loved the track at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, and if given the chance to turn laps there, I bet he would have never left. Tim was always driven to excess.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 11th in the Kobalt 400 at Las Vegas. He is ninth in the points standings, 26 out of first.

“I was docked 15 points for having a roof flap issue for the second-straight race,” Truex said. “We’ve been trying to fool NASCAR for a week. Interestingly enough, they just happened to choose Las Vegas to blow the roof off this scandal.”

9. Austin Dillon: Dillon posted his second consecutive top-five finish with a fifth in the Kobalt 400. He is ninth in the points standings, 26 out of first.

“It’s nice to make Richard Childress Racing important again,” Dillon said. “If I’m not mistaken, they made a movie about me called ‘The Relevant.’”

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished eighth at Las Vegas, posting his second top 10 of the year.

“I was in attendance at UFC 196 in Las Vegas on Saturday night,” Earnhardt said. “Believe me, the only times I hear the words ‘tap out’ mentioned more are at a Junior Nation keg party.”

March 8, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: One day after winning the XFINITY Series race, Busch finished third in the Folds Of Honor 500. He now stands third in the points standings, eight behind Jimmie Johnson and Denny Hamlin.

“I originally won the pole,” Busch said, “but my car failed inspection. That gave the pole to my brother Kurt. You could say Kurt backed into the pole. That ‘pole’ at Atlanta caused no damage to Kurt’s car, unlike that ‘wall’ at Dover last October, which damaged Kevin Harvick’s car not only beyond recognition but beyond inspection.”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson short-pitted with about 40 laps to go in Atlanta, and held off the charging Kevin Harvick down the stretch to capture the Folds Of Honor 500. With the win, Johnson matched Dale Earnhardt with his 76th career win.

“That’s why I held three fingers out of the window,” Johnson said. “Not because I was three times as pissed off as Martin Truex Jr. was at Regan Smith, but because I wanted to honor Dale Earnhardt. Just call me the ‘InJimidator.’

“I have to give it up to Chad Knaus for making a bold strategy call. Chad firmly believes in staying one step ahead of the competition, and two steps ahead of the rule book.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 34 laps and finished seventh in Atlanta, and is now fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“You may have seen me give Regan Smith the finger,” Truex said. “You may not know this, but the Sunday before ‘Leap Day’ is ‘Flip Day.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin fell a lap down early at Atlanta and never recovered, finishing 16th, two laps down.

“I call it the ‘Daytona Hangover,’” Hamlin said. “The thrill of victory at Daytona is often determined by less than a tenth of a second. The agony of defeat is often marked by more than a fifth of liquor.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 131 laps but was outsmarted in the pits by Jimmie Johnson, who short-pitted to build a big lead, then held on after a late caution.

“That race was mine to lose,” Harvick said. “But I’ll let my crew chief, Rodney Childers, take ownership of it, though, because he was outsmarted by Chad Knaus. It was a contest to see who was going to pit first. You could say it was a game of ‘cat and Knaus.’”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 19th at Atlanta after a mid-race penalty left him two laps down.

“That’s called an ‘improper fueling’ penalty,” Kenseth said. “Apparently, my gas man placed a wrench on the back of the car. That’s a no-no. But not as big a no-no as me placing my front bumper on the back of Joey Logano’s car.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth in the Folds Of Honor 500 to score his second top-five result of the year.

“There were 327 laps of green flag racing,” Edwards said. “We haven’t seen this much green flag racing since 2015. Or, should I say, ‘We didn’t see this much green flag racing in 2015.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole and took fourth at Atlanta, one spot behind younger brother Kyle. Kurt is seventh in the points standings, nine out of first.

“Did you hear?” Busch said. “Brian France endorsed Donald Trump for President. That’s interesting because, in July, NASCAR said it would not hold its Camping World and XFINITY banquets at Trump’s National Doral Resort after Trump made racist and disparaging remarks about immigrants. Apparently, France puts the ‘race’ in ‘racism.’ I can see Trump spin this to even greater advantage: he’ll say he was endorsed by France, and his supporters will believe it’s the country. Viva Le Trump!”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Atlanta, plagued by handling issues that likely prevented a top-5 result.

“In light of Brian France’s endorsement of Donald trump,” Keselowski said, “this is certainly not the first time someone has looked at France and said, ‘What is he doing?’

“But enough about a pudgy-faced clown who is clueless as to how to run a race, France needs to mind his own business. He can’t even handle the politics of his own sport, much less those of a nation.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon started eighth and finished 11th in the Folds Of Honor 500. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 15 out of first.

“My younger brother Ty subbed for Tony Stewart in the No. 14 car,” Dillon said. “Tony is out for a few weeks, mostly to rehab a back injury, but also to work on his new cookbook, ’50 Shades Of Gravy.’

“While Tony is out, Stewart-Haas Racing wants someone in that car. They certainly don’t want that ride empty. Ty is more than happy to occupy that spot. So, with or without Tony, you know there will be an ass in the seat.”

March 1, 2016