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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin powered his way past Matt Kenseth on the final lap, then edged Martin Truex Jr. at the line by .010 seconds, the closest finish in Daytona 500 history, to win his first 500.

“It was a bold move to leave the draft and go high,” Hamlin said. “Joe Gibbs’ drivers are known for getting ‘out of line,’ notably Matt Kenseth anytime Joey Logano’s in front of him, or Kyle Busch anytime he’s behind the wheel of a street car.

“I’m just glad I was able to end Joe Gibbs’ 23-year Daytona drought. Joe said this felt like winning the Super Bowl. Speaking of football, maybe NASCAR should follow the NFL’s lead and make it much easier to pass.”

2. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex took the runner-up spot at Daytona, falling .010 seconds short to Denny Hamlin in the closest finish in Daytona 500 history.

“I’m disappointed,” Truex said, “but it was a great result for Furniture Row Racing. To celebrate, Furniture Row is throwing in a free ‘photo finish’ on all products purchased this week.

“I can’t be too unhappy about finishing second. I think I made a name for myself at Daytona. Unfortunately, that name is ‘Martin Truex II.’”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch started defense of his 2015 Sprint Cup championship with a strong third in the Daytona 500, as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three cars in the top 5.

“These Gibbs Toyotas were strong all day long,” Busch said. “We knew if we remained grouped together in the low line, we’d be there at the end. It may not have worked out so well for Tim Richmond, but running a train sure did for JGR.”

4. Matt Kenseth: Leading on the final lap, Kenseth was passed after a daring move to the high line by Denny Hamlin, who sailed past Kenseth’s failed attempt to block. Hamlin went on to edge Martin Truex Jr. as Kenseth slid back to 14th.

“Maybe I should have held my line,” Kenseth said. “But it’s hard to remain disciplined when you think you may get passed. Trust me, last year taught me how hard it was to ‘be disciplined.’

“But congratulations to Hamlin. He predicted his Daytona 500 win as a second-grader. Speaking of school, maybe I should have paid more attention in drafting class.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth, and generated the momentum that propelled Denny Hamlin past Matt Kenseth on the final turn to result in Hamlin’s win.

“That’s the second¬-most famous push in the back I’m known for,” Harvick said. “The first was in Texas in 2014 when I shoved Brad Keselowski. Hamlin’s post-race fist pump was the only punch thrown in either situation.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano, last year’s Daytona 500 winner, took sixth in this year’s race after starting fifth on the grid.

“I can’t be too sad for Matt Kenseth,” Logano said. “You could say he got what was coming to him.

“As for the race itself, it was a pretty boring affair save for the last lap. Maybe NASCAR needs to institute a ‘repetition’ caution before fans revolt in a ‘Mutiny On Monotony.’”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished seventh in the Daytona 500, his best result ever in the season’s inaugural race.

“How about Scottish actor Gerard Butler’s role as Grand Marshal?” Larson said. “Nothing says ‘The Great American Race’ like a Scottish accent.”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led 18 laps and was poised for a strong finish until a pit road penalty with 45 laps to go. Johnson was issued a drive-through penalty after NASCAR deemed his pit crew were over the wall too soon.

“Too many men over the wall?” Johnson said. “Who called this penalty, Donald Trump?

“Pole-sitter and Hendrick teammate Chase Elliott took a spin through the Daytona infield, as did Danica Patrick. For some drivers, like Chase, it’s a ‘spin in the grass;’ for others, like Ricky Stenhouse Jr., it’s a ‘roll in the hay.’”

9. Regan Smith: Smith, in the No. 7 Tommy Baldwin Racing Chevrolet, finished eighth in the Daytona 500.

“Hamlin wrote a letter in the second grade saying his dream was to win the Daytona 500,” Smith said. “Most NASCAR fans would respond to that by saying, ‘Dreams do come true.’ The remaining NASCAR fans would say, ‘Hamlin could write in the second grade?’”

10. Kurt Busch: Busch started eighth and finished tenth at Daytona.

“Brian France promised lots of changes for the 2016 NASCAR season,” Busch said. “I guess lead changes wasn’t one of them. There were only four lead changes that didn’t happen as a result of pit stops.

“But what would you expect from NASCAR’s CEO and Chairman? Maybe ‘CFO’ would be a better title because he’s a ‘Chubby-Faced Oaf.’ France wants to be omnipresent. He should start by just being present. Just to clarify, I took those words right out of Tony Stewart’s mouth. As long as it’s not food, Tony doesn’t mind.”

February 23, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch won the Ford EcoBoost 400, holding off Kevin Harvick to win his first Sprint Cup championship. Busch missed the first 11 races of the season after breaking his leg at a crash at Daytona in February.

“A pasty white guy from Las Vegas is the Sprint Cup champion,” Busch said. “Ironically, all other driver ‘pale’ in comparison to me.

“I’ve always dreamed of beating Jeff Gordon for the Sprint Cup championship. I guess dreams do come true. Apparently, when I was a kid, I had very vivid and colorful dreams. But those dreams were nothing like the ones I had on painkillers after surgery to repair my broken leg.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 13th on the grid and finished second to Kyle Busch.

“’Second’ has been the story of my year,” Harvick said. “I can’t tell you how many times I finished second this year, but I can tell that I will be counting the seconds until the start of the 2016 season.”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started fifth at Homestead and finished sixth, as Kyle Busch won the race to capture the Sprint Cup championship.

“I couldn’t believe the support I received,” Gordon said, “even in a losing effort. It reminded me of the applause that erupted when Matt Kenseth wrecked Joey Logano at Martinsville. Without that, I wouldn’t even be here.

4. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Homestead and finished fourth, posting his 22nd top-five result of the year.

“I dominated the circuit this season,” Logano said, “so you tell me who the rightful Sprint Cup champion should be. I had six wins and 22 top-10 finishes. You do the math. And speaking of math, if you subtracted Matt Kenseth from the equation, I would be Cup champion.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Homestead, posting his 21st top 10 of the year.

“Now there are two Sprint Cup championships in the family,” Busch said. “I guess I’ll have to call my brother ‘champ.’ He’s, of course, been called worse.”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Homestead, his fourth Coors Light pole of the season.

“I tore my knee up playing basketball earlier this year,” Hamlin said. “So, I’m going to have it surgically repaired. Hopefully, the doctors will use pins and screws because there’s a gas pedal that says my leg definitely needs to be heavier.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards led eight laps and finished 11th at Homestead.

“Congratulations to Kyle Busch,” Edwards said. “He’ll be a great champion. However, I’m not sure if his reign will do any favors for NASCAR’s Drive For Diversity program because Kyle will be the whitest champion ever.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex qualified 11th at Homestead and finished 12th, the lowest among championship-eligible drivers.

“This Chase For The Cup had it all,” Truex said. “Intentional wrecks, intentional wrecks made to look unintentional, intentional wrecks gone unpunished by NASCAR, and intentional wrecks punished by NASCAR. It was ‘quint-intentional.’”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took third in the Ford EcoBoost 400, recording his ninth top five of the year.

“Jeff Gordon was the sentimental favorite,” Keselowski said. “There were a lot of people pulling for him to win, almost as many as were pulling for Kevin Harvick not to win.”

10.Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 10th at Homestead, posting his 22nd top 10 of the year.

“I received an odd drive-through penalty,” Johnson said. “Apparently, a crew member put his hip into a big dent in the side of the No. 48 Chevy. That’s a no-no. NASCAR’s rule book states that it’s illegal for cars to be powered by ‘pelvic thrust.’”

November 24, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished sixth at Phoenix in the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.

“Having already clinched my spot,” Gordon said, “I didn’t have to sweat the finish. I’m not the only driver who can say this, but ‘I handled my business at Martinsville.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Phoenix and claimed his spot in the Chase finale at Homestead. Busch will vie with Jeff Gordon, Kevin Harvick and Martin Truex Jr. for the Sprint Cup title.

“I signed an extension to keep M&M’s and Mars products on my car for the next several seasons,” Busch said. “You’ll see their names on the front of my car, the top of my car, and yes, the back of my car, so I’ll continue to be called a ‘candy ass’ by fellow drivers and fans alike.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Phoenix to lock up his spot in the finale at Homestead.

“Thanks to the rain,” Harvick said, “my reign continues.

“I will do anything to win my second Sprint Cup championship. And I mean that in the most literal sense. Whatever it takes, I will do it. That includes wrecking myself and wrecking others. I’m such a talented driver, I can do those things separately.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex punched his ticket to Homestead with a 14th-place finish at Phoenix.

“I made it,” Truex said, “and I didn’t even have to win or wreck Trevor Bayne intentionally to do so.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Phoenix, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

“Matt Kenseth met with Brian France after returning from a two-race suspension,” Hamlin said. “I’m sure what France told Matt was ‘quintessential B.F.,’ which is essentially the same as ‘quintessential B.S.’”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr: Earnhardt won the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.

“The skies opened,” Earnhardt said, “and for some drivers, the door closed. That’s the nature of Mother Nature when it comes to stock car racing.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500 at Phoenix. Needing a win to advance, Logano will have to wait until next year to seek his first Sprint Cup championship.

“This was supposed to be my year,” Logano said, “but things got turned around when I ‘turned around’ Matt Kenseth.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Phoenix and finished eighth in the point standings.

“We didn’t put a single Penske Racing driver in the finale at Homestead,” Keselowski said. “But we might put a single Joe Gibbs Racing driver into the wall at Homestead.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh despite suffering a drive-through penalty for jumping the start of the Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.

“You can’t beat the pole sitter to the starting line,” Busch said. “Much like I did when I accused Patricia Driscoll of being an assassin, I ‘jumped the gun.’”

10. Carl Edwards: Edwards came home 12th at Phoenix and finished fifth in the points standings, just missing out on eligibility for the championship at Homestead.

“Who’s wrecked more Chase hopes?” Edwards said. “The rain, or Matt Kenseth?”

November 17, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished ninth in the AAA Texas 500, earning his 19th top-10 result of the year.

“I was given two ponies by Texas Motor Speedway as a retirement gift,” Gordon said. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with them. As a soon to be retiree, I reckon I will just put them out to pasture.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano blew a left-rear tire on lap 4, and the resulting damage sent the No.22 to the garage for major repairs. He finished 40th, 60 laps down, and will need a win at Phoenix to be among the final four eligible to win the Cup at Homestead.

“Matt Kenseth was not on the track,” Logano said. “I never thought this statement would ever be uttered, but ‘You take away Matt Kenseth, you take away all the excitement.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick recovered from two blown tires to finish third in the AAA Texas 500. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I also had to keep my hand on the shifter,” Harvick said. “That was to keep the car from popping out of gear. That goes to show that when Kevin Harvick faces adversity, he overcomes it. That was the case at Dover—I was backed into a corner, so I backed into a wall.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Texas and holds the second spot in the points standings.

“Sammy Hagar gave a pre-race concert in the Texas Motor Speedway infield,” Busch said. “I believe he was staring straight at me when he sang ‘I Can’t Drive 55.’”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and dominated, leading 312 of 334 laps, but lost the victory when Jimmie Johnson passed him for the lead late. Keselowski is sixth in the points standings.

“I’ll likely need a win to advance,” Keselowski said. “My Penske teammate Joey Logano faces the same situation. We could finish 1-2. If that happens, one of us could be taking it home, while the other would be going home.”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth in the AAA Texas 500, posting his seventh top 5 of the year.

“NASCAR suspended Matt Kenseth for two races,” Edwards said. “Matt seemed to be enjoying himself, sitting at home, watching the race, and sending sarcastic tweets. I don’t think NASCAR can suspend him for wrecking Twitter.”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex lost his power steering while battling for the lead late in the race, and managed to hold on for an eighth-place finish.

“I’m fourth in the points standings,” Truex said. “If I hold that position, I’ll likely have a spot in the finale at Homestead. That would mean a lot for our team because the Furniture Row Racing team certainly deserves a seat at the table.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh in the AAA Texas 500, and is seventh in the points standings.

“I’m on the brink of elimination,” Busch said. “That’s what Joey Logano said when he saw Matt Kenseth behind him at Martinsville. It’s also what a soon-to-be-assassinated mark says when my ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll puts the crosshairs on the target.”

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr: Earnhardt finished sixth at Texas, posting his 21st top 10 of the year.

“I’ve got top-10 finishes in the last three races,” Earnhardt said. “And that reminds me, you should try Diet Mountain Dew’s new flavor, ‘2 Little, 2 Late.’ It’s bittersweet.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson passed Brad Keselowski on lap 331 and won his third straight race at Texas.

“I may not be eligible for the Cup,” Johnson said, “but a win is a win is a win.”

November 10, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon seized his opportunity at Martinsville, taking the lead late and holding on for his ninth win at the Virginia half-mile track. With the win, Gordon will be one of four drivers vying for the Sprint Cup at Homestead.

“I can certainly identify with Joey Logano,” Gordon said. “Because we both ‘owe’ Matt Kenseth.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano was dominating at Martinsville and seemed headed for his fourth straight victory, till Matt Kenseth intentionally wrecked Logano with 47 laps left. Logano finished 37th, 42 laps down.

“It was a total coward move by Kenseth,” Logano said. “And I should know—I’m all yellow.

“I’m furious, and so is my father Tom. He was redder than a Martinsville hot dog. He was so irate, he had to be restrained. And speaking of ‘restraint,’ that reminds me of my first memory of my father, when he duct-taped to the seat of a go-cart and said ‘Drive.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 38 laps and finished eighth in the Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500.

“Once again,” Harvick said, “I made a move that kept my championship hopes alive. This time, however, instead of driving into the fray, I steered clear of controversy.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth at Martinsville, and is second in the points standings with two races to go before the finale at Homestead.

“I can’t wait to hear NASCAR’s response to the Matt Kenseth-Joey Logano incident,” Busch said. “In the ‘Boys, have at it’ age, and just weeks after Brian France used the term ‘quintessential NASCAR,’ it seems that NASCAR, just like Logano, was ‘asking for it.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Martinsville, posting his 14th top-5 finish of the year.

“I think we may need to look into updating the definition of the word ‘accident’ in this sport,” Hamlin said.

6. Carl Edwards: Despite front-end damage suffered in an early accident, Edwards finished a solid 14th at Martinsville.

“The crew did a good job of repairing the No. 19 Toyota,” Edwards said. “So good, in fact, that NASCAR wants some pointers on ‘damage control.’”

7. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex led 27 laps at Martinsville and finished sixth at Martinsville.

“NASCAR won’t stand for this type of vigilante justice,” Truex said. “NASCAR fans, on the other hand, well, they’ll not only stand, they’ll give it an ovation, as well.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was collected in an accident that sent him crashing into Matt Kenseth’s No. 20 Toyota. Keselowski’s No. 22 suffered major damage to the suspension, and he limped home with a 32nd-place finish.

“I did not wreck Kenseth on purpose,” Keselowski said. “No, that’s not me quoting Joey Logano from Kansas. That’s me being honest, and, let’s face it, apparently NASCAR drivers can only be honest when they haven’t wrecked someone on purpose.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch was collected in a wreck after Brad Keselowski made contact with Matt Kenseth, sending Kenseth’s No. 20 into Busch’s No. 41. Busch finished 34th, 14 laps off the pace.

“This means I’ll probably have to win one of the next two races,” Busch said. “That puts me in the same boat with three or four other drivers. And speaking of boats, if Matt Kenseth would have done what he did in a boat, he would be ‘docked.’”

10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr: Earnhardt finished fourth at Martinsville as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top 12, with Jeff Gordon taking the win.

“Am I surprised that Matt Kenseth took out Joey Logano?” Earnhardt said. “Of course not. This is NASCAR, in which most of the races take place on oval tracks. Just take a look at the cars turning laps on those tracks, and you’ll realize it’s easy to see ‘what goes around comes around.’”

November 3, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano won the CampingWorld.com 500 at Talladega, taking the checkered flag under caution for his third straight win.

“Having already clinched my spot in the next round,” Logano said, “I knew it didn’t really matter what happened behind me. Of course, no one was saying ‘What happened?’ because everybody knew what happened.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Running with an engine on the verge of blowing, Harvick’s slow No. 4 initiated a crash that forced the race to end under caution, and secured his advance to the next round.

“I think it would be appropriate to quote Steve Urkel,” Harvick said, “and say, ‘Did I do that?

“Don’t ask me if I meant to do it. For all intents and purposes, I’m still alive to win the Cup.”

3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th in the Campingworld.com 500, posting his 18th top-10 of the year. He advances to the Eliminator Round of the Chase.

“That had to be the most unsatisfactory ending to a Talladega race ever,” Busch said. “And take it from me and any of my girlfriends—we know unsatisfactory endings.

“I think, eventually, Kevin Harvick will admit he was wrong and do what’s right. As it is now, the only thing ‘right’ was his turn into Trevor Bayne.”

4. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started on the pole at Talladega and finished third, easily advancing to the next round of the Chase.

“Kevin Harvick’s actions were fishy,” Gordon said. “So fishy, in fact, they’re complaining about the smell in Denmark.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth at Talladega and joins Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch in the Eliminator Round of the Chase.

“Things could get very interesting at Martinsville,” Edwards said. “The race is called the ‘Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500.’ There are some drivers that want revenge, which will bring them relief, and will cause headaches for their victims. Will there be punches thrown? As they say in the South, ‘I reckon.’ And Sunday will be a day of reckoning, and wreck-oning.”

6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Talladega and secured his place in the Eliminator Round of the Chase.

“For all the talk of speed at Talladega,” Truex said, “it took forever to run the final two laps.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth to safely advance to the next round of the Chase.

“Kevin Harvick will have a blinking eye on the front of his car next week at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “He should have had it last week because he ‘hoodwinked’ everybody.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 11th and slipped into the Chase, taking the eighth and final spot in the Eliminator Round.

“I did what I had to do,” Busch said. “That’s a statement, not an excuse.”

9. Denny Hamlin: A malfunction with the roof flap on the No. 11 Fed Ex Toyota forced Hamlin to pit four times. He was caught up in the final restart crash, the result of which set his car ablaze. He finished 37th, four laps down, and tumbled out of the top eight in points.

“That roof flap is there for me to exit the car quickly in case of emergency,” Hamlin said. “Ironically, I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough after the race.

“Harvick wrecked his own car at Dover to stay in the Chase,” Hamlin said. “He wrecked the field at Talladega to stay in the Chase. He’ll have to answer to all the accusations saying he did it intentionally. I guess that’s why he’s ‘defending’ champion.”

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr: Earnhardt finished second at Talladega after the final restart carnage caused when Kevin Harvick clipped Trevor Bayne. The caution came out just seconds before Earnhardt overtook Joey Logano for the lead. Earnhardt needed a win to advance to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

“Joey Logano took the checkered flag from race command and did some victory burnouts,” Earnhardt said. “I’m surprised Kevin Harvick didn’t do the same, with the yellow flag.”

October 27, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano won his second straight race, bumping Matt Kenseth out of the lead with five laps to go to win the Hollywood Casino 400.

“Let’s face it,” Logano said, “Kenseth’s tailspin started well before Kansas.

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick left the pits with his gas can still attached with about 50 laps to go, incurring a drive-through penalty. Harvick finished 15th and has 3,071 points, just seven ahead of Kyle Busch in ninth.

“I just need to keep my nose clean at Talladega,” Harvick said, “and keep the No. 4 Chevrolet off the wall. It will be different than it was at Dover—-to keep my nose clean there, I intentionally had to hit the wall.”

3. Kurt Busch: Busch took sixth at Kansas, scoring his 17th top-10 of the year. He is third in the points standings, 13 ahead of ninth place.

“I’m in perfect position to advance to the Eliminator Round,” Busch said. “It doesn’t apply to my mental state, but I’m ‘in a good place.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished second at Kansas and is now second in the points standings.

“Matt Kenseth will get Joey Logano back,” Hamlin said. “It’s gonna be hard for Matt to properly avenge himself at Talladega because Logano’s already advanced to the next round. So, Matt may be able to get some sort of revenge, but he won’t be able to exact revenge.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth in the Hollywood Casino 400, posting his 13th top-10 of the year.

“Matt Kenseth is old enough to be Joey Logano’s father,” Edwards said. “In my eyes, Joey needs a beating; in Matt’s eyes, he needs a spanking.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: A late pit mishap coast Truex a likely top-10 finish and he settled for 16th in the Hollywood Casino 400.

“We had a tire get away from us in the pits,” Truex said. “Up until that point, we were ‘rolling.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished ninth at Kansas, recording his 21st top-10 of the year. He has 3,071 points in the standings, tied with Kevin Harvick and Jeff Gordon.

“Joey Logano’s won the last two races,” Keselowski said, “and five total this season. He’s looking like the favorite to win the Sprint Cup championship. He just has to avoid being overconfident. Can Joey avoid getting a ‘big head?’ I don’t think so; on that neck, any head looks big.”

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took 10th at Kansas and has 3,071 points in the standings, which places him seven points ahead of Kyle Busch in ninth.

“Advancing to the next round could come down to a single point,” Gordon said, “so every point matters. At Talladega, I’m just as worried about the ‘Little One’ as I am about the ‘Big One.’”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch posted his eighth top-5 finish of the season with a fifth in the Hollywood Casino 400. He is currently in ninth place in the points standings, six points behind eighth place.

“One week after the Hollywood Casino 400,” Busch said, “we’re heading to Talladega, where, fittingly, all bets are off.

“The level of tension will be such that you’ll be able to cut it with a knife. In the infield at Talladega, the level of alcohol will be such that you might get stabbed with a knife.”

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was leading with five laps remaining at Kansas when Joey Logano bumped him, sending Kenseth’s No. 20 sliding up the track and out of the lead. Kenseth finished 14th and will likely need to win at Talladega to advance.

“With Halloween approaching,” Kenseth said, “Logano should be mindful of things that go bump in the night, as well as things that go bump in the face.”

October 20, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano led 227 of 334 laps and held off Kevin Harvick down the stretch to claim the Bank Of America 500. With the win, Logano advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

“I knew Harvick was creeping up behind me,” Logano said. “I knew I had to hit my marks to maintain my cushion. I kind of utilized Harvick’s strategy from Dover, because I knew if he got close enough to see my rear end, it would be bad news.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 12th runner-up finish of the year.

“I ‘backed up’ my win in Dover with a second,” Harvick said.

“I am the defending Sprint Cup champion, but that doesn’t mean I’m not extremely motivated to win it again this year. Last year means nothing. In my mind, all evidence of that victory has been destroyed.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Charlotte, the top finisher among Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

“I dealt with some battery issues,” Hamlin said. “As you know, that comes with the positives and the negatives.

“Matt Kenseth has been JGR’s best driver all year, but he struggled at Charlotte. And, if you remember, he had his issues last year at CMS. So for Matt, nothing is a cinch at Charlotte, except Brad Keselowski’s noggin in a headlock.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took sixth at Charlotte, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin, who finished fourth, in the top 10.

“I bumped Dale Earnhardt Jr. and sent him into the wall,” Edwards said. “Now, my status with Earnhardt fans has been upgraded, from ‘unlikeable’ to ‘hated.’”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Charlotte, scoring his eighth top-five result of the year. He is third in the points standings, seven behind Joey Logano.

“NASCAR did a sorry job of cleaning the track of oil and fluid,” Truex said. “But let’s face it, if anyone’s guilty of pulling a slick one, it’s not the track at Charlotte, but Kevin Harvick at Dover.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 20th top 10 of the year.

“There were a lot of cars making contact with the wall,” Keselowski said. “The wall played as big a factor in the Charlotte race as it did in the Dover race. For further explanation, see Kevin Harvick.”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Charlotte and struggled thereafter, battling tight-handling conditions and hitting the wall three times, the last of which ended his day. He eventually finished 42nd.

“We thought we had the No. 20 Dollar General car set up perfectly for Saturday’s night race,” Kenseth said. “Then rain postponed it until Sunday. So, after a tough day on Sunday, we were a day late and a Dollar General short.

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished eighth at Charlotte and has not finished below 14th in the Chase.

“I may be Hendrick Motorsports only hope for the title,” Gordon said. “What’s shocking is that’s a long shot.

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt found trouble early at Charlotte, hitting the wall on lap 70 after making contact with Carl Edwards, then hitting it again after running through a patch of fluid on the track.

“Carl Edwards flat out wrecked me,” Earnhardt said. “I promise revenge is coming. It will be swift and just, and will be called ‘E-taliation.’”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 20th, his day spoiled by an incident with Kyle Larson that damaged his car.

“I damaged the right front of the M&M’s No. 18 Toyota after colliding with Kyle Larson entering the pits,” Busch said. “You can’t blame me for that—I hit the Target.”

October 13, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole after qualifying was canceled and finished seventh at Dover, easily advancing to the Contender Round.

“And then there were 12,” Kenseth said. “Now, we’re headed to Charlotte, where speeds can reach upwards of 190 miles per hour. And, if history is any indication, the cars won’t be the only thing flying—-fists will be, as well.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated at Dover leading 355 of 400 laps and winning when he had to.

“I advanced,” Harvick said. “Jimmie Johnson retreated. And that’s certainly not the first time.”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in the AAA 400 and advanced to the next round of The Chase for the Sprint Cup.

“It’s all about surviving and advancing,” Busch said. “And I did them both at the same time. Add those to the list of things I can do all at once, which includes ‘Whip And Nae Nae.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin, already into the next round with his win at New Hampshire, finished 18th at Dover.

“I took a nice, leisurely Sunday drive,” Hamlin said. “That wasn’t the case for everyone. I’m not saying Kevin Harvick drives like a man possessed, but he emerges from his hauler like a man possessed.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th at Dover and is one of four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers to qualify for the round of 12.

“Kevin Harvick didn’t waste any time taking over the lead,” Edwards said. “He took off like a bat out of hell, or just like the way he left Richard Childress Racing.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Dover, posting his 23rd top-10 of the year. He advances to the Contender Round of the Chase.

“Kevin Harvick showed why he’s the reigning champion,” Logano said. “Jimmie Johnson showed why the Chase format is his biggest obstacle to winning his seventh Cup. Sadly, it was a simple seal that ruined Jimmie’s hopes. On this day, it appeared a mechanical issue was Jimmie’s ‘Achilles Seal.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th in the AAA 400, making his way to the next round of the Chase.

“It wasn’t pretty,” Keselowski said, “but the No. 2 Wurth Ford Fusion, after a rough start, came through when it counted. You could say it was ‘Wurth’ the wait.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 17th at Dover and claimed his spot in the next round of the Chase.

“I think NASCAR was a bit disappointed,” Busch said. “This was a high-pressure elimination race, and the only thing that got punched was a ticket.”

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt, needing a strong finish to make the Chase, took third at Dover to advance to the next round, but just barely. Earnhardt took the 12th and final spot, tied with Jamie McMurray in points but advancing by virtue of a tiebreaker.

“I heard a strange sound,” Earnhardt said. “It turned out I was almost done in by a loose wheel. Ironically, I ‘squeaked’ by.”

10. (tie): Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a rear axle seal failure at Dover, forcing him to the garage and ending his hopes of advancing to the round of 12. Johnson finished 41st, and won’t be winning his seventh Sprint Cup title.

“That was a $5 part,” Johnson said. “The sad part is, I had to pay for it.”

10. (tie): Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished 12th at Dover and made his way to the round of 12.

“The ‘Drive For Five’ is still alive,” Gordon said. “If I could win my fifth Sprint Cup title in my final season, it would be the most emotional experience of my life. That’s why I’m calling my quest ‘Once More With Feeling.’”

October 6, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took advantage of Kevin Harvick’s fuel misfortune to take the Sylvania 300 at Loudon. The win kept Kenseth atop the points standings and guaranteed his spot in the next round of the Chase.

“Harvick clearly had the best car,” Kenseth said. “To lead 216 of 300 laps and not win? That has to be the ultimate feeling of coming up ‘empty.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin backed up his Chicagoland win with a strong second-place finish at New Hampshire, following Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth across the line.

“These Gibbs cars have speed,” Hamlin said, “and their fuel mileage is so good it borders on the mysterious. With apologies to Kevin Harvick, you could say they’re ‘freaky fast.’

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Loudon and finished fifth as the Joe Gibbs Racing driver took three of the top five positions, including Matt Kenseth’s victory.

“There were no punches to the chest after this race,” Edwards said. “But if Kevin Harvick felt the need to punish someone, he would definitely kick himself.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the Sylvania 300 and now sits third in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m in great position to advance to the next round of the Chase,” Logano said. “There’s only one driver that needs to drive like a maniac at Dover, and that’s Kevin Harvick. But he put himself in this position. Of all people, Harvick should know how to ‘baby’ a gas pedal.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Jimmie rallied from a flat tire, which left him a lap down, to finish a solid sixth at Loudon.

“I went to see Kevin Harvick’s gas tank after the race. Instead of emerging calmly from its hauler, it ‘ran out.’

“Jeff Gordon broke the NASCAR record for consecutive starts. That makes him the sport’s ‘Iron Man,’ but it sure as heck doesn’t make him the most hard-headed.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was penalized for jumping a restart and dropped to 25th before rallying to finish 12th.

“Usually,” Keselowski said, “when somebody says ‘punch it,’ I duck instead of getting on the gas.

“Jumping a restart is something that Matt Kenseth can do and get away with. Apparently, Matt is sneaky. You saw it last year – he attacked me in between our team transporters before I even knew it. And even when Matt punches you, you don’t even know it.”

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt ran out of gas on the final lap and finished 25th at New Hampshire. He is 12th in the points standings, one point ahead of Kyle Busch.

“The race at Dover is an elimination race,” Earnhardt said. “And you can’t spell ‘elimination’ without ‘E Nation.’ Of course, the Chase isn’t a spelling bee. Hopefully, I can maintain my spot of 12th or improve on it. Otherwise, I’ll be like an Earnhardt fan in a spelling bee—I won’t make it out of the first round.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch blew a tire on lap 159 and slammed the wall, leading to a 37th-place finish. He is 13th in the points standings, one point behind Dale Earnhardt Jr. in 12th place.

“I’ve got my work cut out for me,” Busch said. “I’ve been behind the Eight-Ball before, which is usually because there’s a state trooper behind me.”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 10th at Loudon, posting his 14th top-10 of the year. Newman is sixth in the points standings, 25 behind Matt Kenseth.

“I’m the Chase driver no one’s talking about,” Newman said. “That’s because I drive for the team no one’s talking about. That would be Richard Childress Racing. Unless I advance to the next round, RCR will have no chance to win the Cup, so our four teams will figuratively pack it in for the season. That’s when ‘RCR’ becomes ‘RCR & R.’”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second in the Sylvania 300 and led 216 of 300 laps, but ran out of gas with three laps remaining, losing the lead and finishing 21st.

“Our calculations said we had plenty of gas to finish the race,” Harvick said. “Am I in serious danger of not advancing to the next round? Well, you do the math, because you’re probably better at it than we are.”

September 29, 2015