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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin roared back from last place to win the Chase opener at Chicagoland. Hamlin automatically advances to the second round of the Chase, which begins at Dover on October 4.

“I’m going to happily limp into the second round of the Chase,” Hamlin said. “

“What does his punch/shove tell us about Kevin Harvick? Well, for one thing, it tells us he’s a right-handed cry baby.”

2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth posted a fifth at Chicagoland, recording his 11th top five of the year.

“I’m amazed by what went on between Kevin Harvick and Jimmie Johnson,” Kenseth said. “Amazed only because of the following reason: between Kevin and DeLana Harvick, it’s Kevin that got his panties in a wad.”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished second in the MyAfibRisk.Com 400 at Chicagoland.

“Denny Hamlin has punched his ticket to the next round,” Edwards said, “and he didn’t even need a fist. Kevin Harvick seems to have an anger problem. He, as well as his fist, is a ‘ball’ of fury.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick and Jimmie Johnson made contact on a restart, leading to a tire rub on Harvick’s No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevy. The rub led to a blown tire, which left Harvick with a 42nd-place finish.

“Jimmie and I had words,” Harvick said. “Actually, Jimmie had words; I had a fist.”

5. Kurt Busch: Busch was leading with 10 laps to go when a caution flew for debris. On the restart, Busch lost the lead and finished third.

“This all seems very fishy to me,” Busch said. “In the last two years, Harvick has been the one to instigate much of the Chase controversy. Is he on NBC’s payroll? If so, he’d be the only one earning his money.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Chicagoland and played a role in the first feud of the Chase. Jimmie Johnson and Kevin Harvick made contact on a restart. Harvick blamed Johnson while Johnson said Logano pushed him into Harvick.

“Don’t ask me to choose sides,” Logano said. “If you do, I’ll just cite gearbox issues and remain ‘neutral.’”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished ninth at Chicagoland, a solid start for the No. 18 car as the Chase heads to New Hampshire, where Busch won in July.

“I won Saturday’s XFINITY Series race,” Busch said, “and was presented the winner’s trophy by the rapper Ludacris. Why is there a rapper at a NASCAR race? Well, there’s no rhyme or reason.”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Chicagoland after controversially tangling with Kevin Harvick midway through the race.

“I went to Harvick to ask what the deal was,” Johnson said. “I went ‘knock, knock, knockin’ on Kevin’s door.’ He was pretty ornery. Much like during the race, I must have rubbed him the wrong way.

“Harvick shoved me once. And I can only guess that he shoved me one time for each Cup championship he’s won.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took eighth in the MyAfibRisk.Com 400 at Chicagoland.

“The Chase For The Cup is only one race old,” Keselowski said, “and already there’s drama. That’s surprising. What’s even more surprising is I’m not in the middle of it.”

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished fifth at Chicagoland, posting his 12th top-five result of the year.

“Who does Kevin Harvick think he is?” Earnhardt said. “If he thinks he’s NASCAR’s big shot, shouldn’t he beat his own chest, and not Jimmie Johnson’s?”

September 22, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 352 of 400 laps and cruised to an easy win in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond. The win was Kenseth’s fourth of the season and places him atop the points standings for the start of the Chase.

“I have the early momentum for the Chase,” Kenseth said. “And speaking of ‘early momentum,’ Joey Logano says I jumped the final restart. I dispute that. If I jumped anything, it was ‘ship,’ when I left Roush Fenway Racing.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled at Richmond, finishing 14th, one lap down, in the final race before the Chase For The Cup.

“It felt like I was driving on flat tires,” Harvick said. “That made the No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevrolet ‘leaky fast.’

“Of course, the tires weren’t really flat. Or were they? The last thing NASCAR needs is its own ‘Deflate-Gate’ controversy.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished eighth at Richmond, posting his 18th top-10 result of the year. By virtue of his one win this year, he will start the Chase with 2,003 points, nine out of first.

“This is where you’ll see the real drivers separated from the pretenders,” Keselowski said. “Or, if you’d care not to wait, I’ll do it for you. Pretenders: Clint Bowyer, Paul Menard, Jamie McMurray. Contenders: everyone else.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Richmond on a commanding night for the Joe Gibbs Racing stable. Matt Kenseth won while Denny Hamlin finished sixth and Carl Edwards took 11th.

“JGR looks like the team to beat,” Busch said. “Kenseth is dominant while Edwards is domineering. Some people say Denny Hamlin isn’t a threat to win because of his injury, but they don’t have a leg to stand on. Me? I certainly have the talent, but history says that once the NASCAR post-season starts, I hit a wall.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2009 points, three points behind four-time winners Jimmie Johnson, Kyle Busch, and Matt Kenseth.

“Kenseth clearly jumped the final restart,” Logano said. “Replays verify it. Sure, Kenseth led 352 of 400 laps, but in this instance, he wasn’t ‘in the zone.’”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 11th in the Federated Auto Parts 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth dominated for the win.

“I traded paint with Kenseth during the race,” Edwards said. “To his credit, Kenseth didn’t give an inch. He’s really manned up. If he wins another championship this year, it seems he will have finally ‘grown a pair.’”

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished fifth at Richmond, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars. Earnhardt will join HMS teammates, Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon in the Chase.

“HMS hasn’t had a win since Daytona in July,” Earnhardt said. “And we really need it. Our team motto for the upcoming race is ‘Just one, baby.’”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth and will enter the Chase For The Cup in first place with 2012 points by virtue of his four wins.

“’2012’ is a great number,” Johnson said. “It was not a good year. That’s when my run of six straight Cups came to an end.

“I just signed a contract extension to remain with Hendrick Motorsports through 2017. That’s good news for a team struggling to find speed heading into the Chase For The Cup. Finally, it’s a good ‘sign’ for HMS.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 15th at Richmond and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2,006 points, six behind the leaders at 2,012.

“Now,” Busch said, “the pressure really heats up. This is when you find out what you’re really made of. Sometimes, you never really know what someone is made of….until you go ‘court-ing.’”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth at Richmond despite driving with a torn right ACL, an injury suffered in a pickup basketball game on Tuesday.

“I probably shouldn’t have been playing basketball,” Hamlin said. “After all, this is the second time I’ve injured my knee. In both cases, I was wearing my favorite sneakers, the ‘Err Hamlins.’ Anyway, my right leg feels a little loose in the center.”

September 16, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 44 laps and finished fifth in the Bojangles Southern 500 at Darlington, posting his 18th top-5 finish of the year.

“It’s great to see the Darlington race back on its traditional weekend,” Harvick said. “I think fans would agree. Ironically, sitting through a 4 hour and 29-minute marathon on Labor Day weekend is truly ‘work.’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Darlington and led a race-high 196 laps. However, Keselowski was beaten out of the pits on the race’s final caution by Carl Edwards. Edwards held on for the win, and Keselowski was left with a disappointing runner-up finish.

“I’m a big fan of the low downforce package we ran at Darlington,” Keselowski said. “As I said before, it separates the race car drivers from the pretenders. And, .902 seconds separates the winner from second place.

“I was sporting the ‘Miller High Life’ paint scheme at Darlington. They call ‘High Life’ the ‘Champagne Of Beers.’ The difference between winning and losing is known as ‘Champagne Or Beers.’”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished eighth at Darlington and officially clinched a spot in the Chase.

“It’s a great day,” Busch said. “Usually, when you hear the word ‘official’ mentioned along with a Busch brother, something’s going on in the NASCAR hauler.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at Darlington, as Penske Racing took two of the top four spots at “The Track Too Tough To Tame.”

“It was ‘throwback’ weekend at Darlington,” Logano said. “With one race left before the Chase, and only three Chase spots up for grabs, Richmond could be ‘throw punch’ weekend.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead late at Darlington, using a quick pit stop to beat Brad Keselowski on the race’s final caution. Edwards pulled away to grab his second victory of the season.

“I went in third and came out first,” Edwards said, “thanks to my pit crew. I owe this win to them. Believe me, they’ll be a part of the victory celebration. Heck, I might even have them DJ the party because they know how to ‘turn tables.’”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth hit the wall on lap 19 and struggled with handling for the duration of the Bojangles Southern 500, finishing 20th.

“It was an otherwise strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards took the lead in the pits and pulled away for the victory, winning by nearly a second. Carl took off like he was shot out of a cannon. Much like he did with Roush Fenway Racing, Carl left in a hurry.”

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt was the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars at Darlington, finishing eighth.

“Right now,” Earnhardt said, “HMS cars aren’t fast enough to compete for wins. With the Chase For The Cup right around the corner, that’s not good. So, much like our current lap speeds, it’s a case of ‘bad timing.’

“In other news, Danica Patrick has become more famous for her yoga poses than for her racing. Should we call her a ‘yoga master’ or a ‘threat to win a race?’ Either way, it’s a stretch.”

8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished a disappointing 19th at Darlington and is now winless in his last 12 races.

“You probably heard my crew chief Chad Knaus married a former Miss Sprint Cup,” Johnson said. “Hopefully, Chad will have more luck with the ‘Lady In White’ than I did with the ‘Lady In Black.’

“I gave the groom a bottle of ‘Burnt Rubber’ cologne. Chad wore some during Sunday’s race. At a track like Darlington, that’s known as ‘tire wear.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch started second in the Bojangles Southern 500 at Darlington and finished sixth.

“Much like me,” Busch said, “Bojangles is famous for its ‘chicken.’

“You may have heard that I recently became engaged. I asked Ashley Van Metre and she said ‘yes.’ Soon, I’ll pop the question, and ask her if she’s an assassin.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth and had a late run-in with Kurt Busch, whom Truex sent spinning after contact on lap

“Just as Daytona did, Darlington was offering a flag exchange,” Truex said, “in which you could exchange a Confederate flag for an American flag. With race ticket prices skyrocketing and races becoming even less exciting, leave it to NASCAR to offer fan another offer they can refuse.”

September 8, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered from a loose wheel early in the race before picking his way back into the top 5 at Bristol. But a late pit road speeding penalty cost him a chance at the win, finishing eighth.

“It was still a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “JGR went 1-2-3-4 in qualifying and place three cars in the top 10. That’s quite a stable Joe’s got right now. Take my brother Kyle and myself at our worse, and you’ve got yourself an ‘unstable.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Joey Logano over the final laps at Bristol, but Logano’s No. 22 Penske machine was just too strong. Harvick settled for second, his second-consecutive runner-up finish and 11th of the season.

“We certainly weren’t helped by two pit road speeding penalties,” Harvick said. “At 30 miles per hour, a drive-through penalty is brutal. At that speed, Bristol’s pit road is much like Kyle Petty’s ponytail—long and grey.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano won his second straight Bristol night race, holding off Kevin Harvick over the final laps to win the Irwin Tools Night Race.

“I knew I couldn’t make a mistake with Harvick behind me,” Logano said. “Obviously, this Penske driver reacts a little better from a push from Harvick.”

4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth blew an engine early at Bristol, spoiling an otherwise solid day for Joe Gibbs Racing.

“Did this Toyota engine come from Michael Waltrip Racing?” Kenseth said, “because it just quit on me.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was solid at Bristol, finishing fourth for his first top-five result since a second at Daytona in July.

“With six Sprint Cup championships,” Johnson said, “I obviously have the look of a champion. Now, with the new fragrance ‘Burnt Rubber,’ anyone can smell like a champion. And if you have the nerve to go to the fragrance counter and ask for Burnt Rubber, then you certainly won’t be phased by extreme speeds. Just make sure you ask for ‘Burnt Rubber’ by name, lest you may end up with the Jeremy Mayfield knockoff brand, ‘Speed In A Bottle.’”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt took advantage of two “Lucky Dog” free passes and recorded a ninth-place finish at Bristol. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 89 out of first.

“Danica Patrick has a new sponsor in Nature’s Bakery,’” Earnhardt said. “Now people can finally say she’s got ‘natural’ talent and actually believe it.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led four laps and finished sixth in the Irwin Tools Night Race as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano captured the win.

“Logano showed a load of maturity holding off Harvick,” Keselowski said. “That gives Joey three wins this season. I have only one. I guess we know who wears the firesuit on this team.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered from a collection of misfortune at Bristol and finished 28th at Bristol, five laps down.

“They call Bristol Motor Speedway ‘The Last Great Colosseum,’” Truex said. “I guess that means the drivers are gladiators. Instead of fighting to the death, fans in the stands are bored to death.”

9. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 74 laps at Bristol and was out front on lap 355 when he suffered a flat tire. He still managed a seventh-place finish, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch in the top 10.

“A flat tire while leading is the very definition of ‘untimely,’” Edwards said. “What is the very definition of ‘timely?’ Leaving Roush Fenway Racing when I did. Jack Roush may be the ‘Cat In The Hat,’ and chances are he owns the ‘Car In The Rear.’”

10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 14th, one lap down, at Bristol, after damaging his car in an incident with David Ragan.

“What do you expect from a Michael Waltrip Racing driver?” Busch said. “Ragan was driving like there was no tomorrow.

“I guess you’ve heard that MWR released Clint Bowyer from his contract. And I think I’m qualified to announce that Bowyer is not a secret agent, but a free agent.”

August 25, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch qualified sixth at Michigan, but a wreck in Saturday’s practice relegated him to the back of the field for the start of Sunday’s race. Despite starting in a backup car, he finished with a strong 11th-place finish that helped solidify his Chase chances.

“I got the job done with a backup car,” Busch said. “That’s unusual. In years past, I don’t start backing up until the Chase starts.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started seventh and finished second in the Pure Michigan 400, recording his 10th runner-up finish of the year.

“I, like many drivers, wasn’t happy with the high-drag aero package NASCAR mandated,” Harvick said. “That drag made it impossible for me to get close enough to even attempt a pass on Matt Kenseth. But I tried my darndest. No one has ‘chased the dragin’ like that in NASCAR since Tim Richmond.”

3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Michigan and was the strongest car throughout, leading 146 of 200 laps on his way to his third win of the season.

“When Matt Kenseth controls a race from start to finish,” Kenseth said, “it’s called ‘boredom-ination.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh in the Pure Michigan 400, posting his 17th top 10 of the year.

“Here are a few words to describe Sunday’s race,” Logano said. “Brutal. Grueling. Uncomfortable. But enough about the fan’s perspective.

“Seriously though, NASCAR thinks rule changes are the guidepost to racing in which the aerodynamics lead to passing while still maintaining the high speeds that attract fans. Sadly, though, the real ‘fantasy draft’ only happens for football season.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson spun on lap 183 at Michigan and limped home to a 39th-place finish, his second-worst of the year.

“I finished right between J.J. Yeley and Travis Kvapil,” Johnson said. “They’re not exactly household names. They’re barely ‘racetrack’ names. However, Sunday was one time when Yeley and Kvapil can say they were among the hottest drivers in NASCAR.”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 10th at Michigan, posting his 14th top-10 result of the year. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, behind Kevin Harvick.

“The aerodynamic package for Michigan made for some extreme temperatures in the cockpit,” Earnhardt said. “It reached 150 degrees in some cars. They say you can fry an egg at that temperature. Matt Kenseth chose to ‘make toast.’”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took third at Michigan, earning his seventh top-five result of the season. He sits fourth in the points standings, 111 out of first.

“This aerodynamic package made for some boring laps,” Truex said, “and the fans were clearly bored. If NASCAR fans want to see real ‘drag racing,’ I suggest they attend NHRA events. There, the women are actually a ‘Force.’”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Michigan, recording his 15th top 10 of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 112 out of first.

“Penske cars had to replace their splitters prior to the race,” Keselowski said. “That was at the behest of NASCAR, who thought the splitters were noncompliant. I guess it’s true that it was, in fact, brutally hot inside the cars, because we got caught red-handed.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 20th at Michigan, only his third finish outside the top 15 this season.

“It was hot in Michigan on Sunday,” Busch said. “Honestly, I could barely take it. But I’m not complaining. You know what they say: ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the bitchin.’’”

10. Carl Edwards: Edwards came home sixth in the Pure Michigan 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing put three cars in the top 6.

“Joe Gibbs Racing cars went 1-2-3 in qualifying,” Edwards said. “Now that’s what I call putting the ‘success’ in ‘succession.’”

August 18, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch kept his hot streak alive with a third-place finish at Watkins Glen, and although he didn’t win, he moved into 30th place in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“We played the finish conservatively,” Busch said. “I took an unnecessary chance last week at Pocono, not to mention one in Iredell County, North Carolina back in 2011. I got busted in both instances.

“This time, we played it safe. Sometimes, you’ve gotta think ‘big picture.’ And I’m always thinking ‘big picture,’ because that’s the only one my ego will fit in.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick ran out of fuel in the final corner at Watkins Glen, handing Joey Logano the win while settling for third.

“Logano overtook a car that was out of fuel,” Harvick said. “That’s called ‘passing gas.’ I tried to wreck Logano as he went by. And, much like my fuel tank, it came up empty.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano passed Kevin Harvick in the final corner after Harvick’s fuel ran out, giving Logano the win in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen.

“I’m just happy to get the win,” Logano said. “Fuel mileage races don’t really tell us who’s best. They do, however, tell us who ‘sucks’ the least.

“I knew I had plenty of fuel to chase Harvick. And I knew if I pressed the issue, I could make him run out. In essence, I put him back in a Richard Childress Racing car, because he slowed to a crawl.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Despite a late spin caused by Tony Stewart’s blown engine, Johnson salvaged a tenth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 14th top 10 of the year.

“You may have seen me in a commercial for ‘Burnt Rubber,’” Johnson said. “It’s a new fragrance from Sunoco, and it’s left its mark on the cologne industry. Unfortunately, it’s a skid mark. Let’s just be thankful that the latest NASCAR-themed cologne wasn’t called ‘Dick Trickle.’”

5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, just missing his 14th top-10 finish of the season.

“It was a tough day for a lot of drivers,” Earnhardt said. “Particularly Tony Stewart. He finished last. Plus, he experienced something that often happen to fans of Junior Nation when they break out their finest china for an important meal—he got ‘served with papers.’”

6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex qualified second and suffered a flat tire with 22 laps to go, ruining what would have been a solid day and settling for a 25th-place finish.

“Some drivers ran out of gas,” Truex said, “while some, like me, ran out of air. Others ran out of talent. Still others had no talent to begin with. The remainder drive for Michael Waltrip Racing.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win at Watkins Glen.

“Joey had luck on his side,” Keselowski said. “My No. 2 Ford did not. Maybe, instead of having ‘Miller Lite’ plastered on the side of my car, we should have had ‘Miller Fortune’ there.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch claimed fifth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, posting his seventh top-5 finish of the year.

“Kevin Harvick clearly had the fastest car on the track,” Busch said. “Then he ran out of fuel. He was more than ‘good,’ he was best….till the last drop.”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led two laps and finished fourth at Watkins Glen, one of three Joe Gibbs Racing cars in the top 10.

“That’s two consecutive fuel mileage races,” Kenseth said. “I won at Pocono, and was pretty close to winning at Watkins Glen. That really would have established me as a driver who knows how to make a drop of fuel last. I guess I would have been known as the ‘Wizard Of Oz.’”

10. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Watkins Glen, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

“Did you see Denny Hamlin speeding around the track with his hood up on the No. 11 FedEx Toyota?” Edwards said. “That performance earned Denny the nickname ‘Little Fed Riding Hood.’”

August 11, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch inherited the lead when Joey Logano ran out of gas with three laps to go, but Logano’s misfortune was a harbinger of the same for Busch, whose tank ran dry with one lap to go. Busch finished 21st.

“My fuel tank said ‘E,’” Busch said, “then I said ‘F.’ Who would have thought that my luck and my fuel would have run out at the same time?”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, securing his 14th top 10 of the season.

“Hendrick Motorsports put three cars in the top six,” Johnson said. “Kasey Kahne put one in the pit lane wall. That’s what you call a pit stop.

“Pocono’s ‘Tricky Triangle’ indeed proved to be tricky. However, when you’re talking NASCAR, the triangle is not the geometric shape that first comes to mind. That would be the ‘cylinder.’ My fans know there are eight cylinders in the engine of the No. 48. On the other hand, Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s fans know there are 24 of ’em in a case.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s engine blew on lap 20 of the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, relegating him to his worst result of the year, a 42nd.

“I’m not sure what happened,” Harvick said. “All I know is something went ‘Ke-boom! and the car went ‘Ke-put.’ And out we went in a plume of burning oil and fluids. I was upset, but Tony Stewart was elated. It’s the first time ‘Smoke’s’ had an impact on the Chase all season.”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished third at Pocono, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars.

“It appears Kyle Busch isn’t invincible after all,” Earnhardt said. “For a while there, he was so dominant it looked like he could win without really trying. It took the end of the race on Sunday for validation that yes, he indeed was ‘coasting.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano was leading with three laps to go when his fuel tank ran dry. Instead of his second win of the season, he was left with a 20th-place finish.

“In retrospect,” Logano said, “the ‘Windows 10 400’ should have been called the ‘Fuel Windows 10 400.’

“Luckily, no one was hurt when Brad Keselowski hit some of his pit crew when he went screaming into his pit stall. Now, you can add three crewmen to the list of people who believe Brad doesn’t know when to stop.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth grabbed his second win of the year after winning a fuel mileage war at Pocono.

“I can’t say we found a way to win,” Kenseth said. “I would say the way to win found us.

“Out pit strategy played out to perfection and resulted in a day I’ll never forget, and I owe it all to my gas can man. To him, I say ‘Tanks for the memories.’”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran out of fuel with two laps to go, just moments after Joey Logano’s tank went dry while leading. Truex finished 19th and is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

“There were a lot of cars running out of gas at the end of the race,” Truex said. “So many that it bordered on being suspicious. Was it a mysterious conspiratorial ploy by NASCAR to add excitement to an otherwise boring race? If so, it would have to be called ‘Fume-igate.’”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, surviving as several cars running in the top five dropped out after running out of fuel.

“I ran into a few of my crew members on a pit stop,” Keselowski said. “Here’s the rundown on their health—they’re all okay. There’s video of the incident all over the internet, and it’s become very popular. Rumor has it Hollywood wants to base a movie on it. It will be called ‘Boyz On The Hood.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 37th at Pocono after an accident on a lap 66 restart sent him to the garage for repairs.

“On the bright side,” Busch said, “I had plenty of gas in my tank at race’s end. If you don’t believe me, just ask my former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. She’ll tell you I’m still full of it.”

10. Carl Edwards: Edwards pitted late for fuel and salvaged a 10th at Pocono, his fifth top-10 result of the year.

“What a great race,” Edwards said. “I guess NASCAR was right—-slowing the cars down does make for more exciting racing.

“Not many drivers had the nerve to come in for gas so late in the race,” Edwards said. “Luckily, we had the guts to do it. As they say, you have to take the plunge before you take the splash.”

August 5, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Joey Logano on the final restart to win his first Brickyard 400 and third consecutive race. Busch also won Saturday’s XFINITY Series race at Indy.

“The No. 18 Skittles car was top notch,” Busch said. “And now I can tell you this: Bricks taste better than the rainbow.

“Some people have suggested that crashing into the wall at Daytona in February and breaking my left leg and right foot gave me the inspiration for my recent dominant run. I believe that’s entirely true. In fact, there are no bones about it. My injuries gave me a leg up on the competition. And I don’t think I can be stopped. But everyone knows I’m susceptible to mind games. I can’t tell you how many of my rivals have sent me copies of Pink Floyd’s album ‘The Wall.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third in the Brickyard 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 finish of the season.

“I just couldn’t get a proper push on the restarts,” Harvick said. “Had the situation been reversed and I was the one doing the pushing, you can best believe it would have been a different story. Just ask Brad Keselowski.

“There were three late cautions that extended the duration of the race. I didn’t think the race would ever end, and judging by the NBC Sports Network’s pre-race coverage, I didn’t think it would ever start.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 15th at Indianapolis on a disappointing day for Hendrick Motorsports. Johnson was the highest HMS finisher, and Jeff Gordon finished 42nd in his last Brickyard 400 after a spin on lap 50 ended his chances at the win.

“Clint Bowyer caused the wreck that took out Gordon,” Johnson said. “Afterwards, Bowyer was seen chasing Jeff through the garage to confront him…with an apology.

“But let’s go easy on the ‘Kyle Busch is championship material’ talk. A Brickyard 400 win is great, but it’s not the end-all. Sure, Crown Royal sponsored the race, so maybe Kyle’s been ‘Royally Crowned,’ but last time I checked, he’s never been officially crowned.”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 22nd at Indianapolis and is now third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 100 behind Kevin Harvick.

“It was just an unlucky day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Earnhardt said. “But congratulations to Kyle Busch. What a drive he had. Now, he’s got four wins in just nine races this season. That’s a handful, which is exactly what Kyle was when Rick Hendrick jettisoned him back in 2007.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano led the first lap at Indianapolis and was battling for the win at the end, but couldn’t catch Kyle Busch in the two-lap sprint to the finish.

“Busch is on a roll,” Logano said, “and his attitude has improved dramatically. I guess marriage and fatherhood have mellowed him. Now, the only time Kyle ‘shows his ass’ is at the finish line.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth in the Brickyard 400, posting his sixth top-five finish of the year and first in the last five races.

“Passing was at a minimum,” Truex said, “thanks to the higher rear spoiler. The aerodynamics of that made it nearly impossible to pass. That’s called ‘drag,’ and trust me, as a former driver for Michael Waltrip Racing, no one looks good in ‘drag.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Indianapolis, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished second, in the top 10.

“I’m not the biggest Kyle Busch fan,” Keselowski said, “but even I have to commend him for his recent tear. Kyle Busch is an ass…….kicker.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch took eighth at Indianapolis as younger brother Kyle won his first Brickyard 400. Kurt is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 165 out of first.

“My brother Kyle has won three consecutive NASCAR races,” Busch said, “and four of the last five. I’ve won twice. So, between us, Kyle and I have six wins and one stable relationship with a woman.”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh in the Brickyard 400 on a dominant day for Joe Gibbs Racing. Teammate Kyle Busch won, Denny Hamlin finished fifth, and Carl Edwards started from the pole.

“There were nine cautions in the race,” Kenseth said. “There was even a caution for balloons on the track. They were yellow and inflated, so I’m going to call them ‘Miss Sprint Cups.’”

10. (tie) Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth in the Crown Royal 400, and is now 10th in the points standings.

“Kyle Busch is in one of the most dominant stretches NASCAR has seen in years,” Hamlin said. “He’s won at a 1.5-mile track at Kentucky, a one-mile track at New Hampshire, and a 2.5-mile oval at Indianapolis. He’s like Jeremy Mayfield—-he can find speed anywhere.”

10. (tie) Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Indianapolis and finished 13th.

“That was my second consecutive start from the pole,” Edwards said. “Of course, I didn’t win either race, so you didn’t get to see my celebratory backflip. Who cares, right? Everybody knows Kyle Busch has the best finishing move in NASCAR.”

July 29, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth in the Quaker State 400, recording his 13th top 10 of the year.

“Junior’s wasn’t the only car that was ‘unstoppable,’” Johnson said. “Those Joe Gibbs Racing cars were as well, and it had nothing to do with brakes.

“Hopefully, Junior and Danica Patrick can work out their differences. Junior has already apologized. I suggest Danica accept it and move on. In other words, she needs to put the whole situation in her rear-view mirror. Unfortunately, the only thing she usually sees in her rear-view mirror is the leader.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 15th and finished a solid eighth at Kentucky. He continues to lead the Sprint Cup points standings, holding a 68-point lead over Jimmie Johnson and Joey Logano.

“Thankfully,” Harvick said, “there were no cars going airborne. What happened at Daytona shouldn’t happen at a NASCAR race. The only things that should be in the stands are fights, not debris. Sadly though, keeping tires on the ground is inversely proportionate to keeping fans in the seats.”

3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt battled brake issues for much of Saturday’s Quaker State 400 and finished 21st.

“I even got into the back of Danica Patrick,” Earnhardt said. “And she told me to go ‘F’ myself. ‘F’ seems to be here favorite letter. ‘L’ is high on the list, also. ‘W’ is certainly not.

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished a disappointing 17th at Kentucky and has now gone three races without a top 10 after posting only one finish outside the top 10 to start the season.

“You can call it a slump,” Truex said, “but what’s really news is the ‘bump.’ That’s what Dale Earnhardt Jr. did to Danica Patrick when his brakes failed and he slammed the back of her car. It’s a pity that Junior ruined Danica’s night, because she was destined to finish first, no doubt. Talk about a ‘rear spoiler.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano led 23 laps and finished second at Kentucky, posting his 10th top-10 of the year.

“I had nothing for Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “He passed me and was gone. Kudos to Kyle, though. He did something my father never could, and that’s leave me alone.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski had the car to challenge Kyle Busch, but a string of slow pit stops ruined his chances for the win. He still finished sixth and is sixth in the points standings, 133 out of first.

“My guys put the ‘stop’ in ‘pit stop,’” Keselowski said. “We pretty much just gave the race to Kyle. And if I give the race to Kyle, you can assuredly assume that he will assent to taking advantage of it.

7. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his fifth consecutive top-10 finish with a 10th at Kentucky, as little brother Kyle won in impressive fashion.

“Kyle beat Joey Logano to the checkered flag,” Busch said, “which just supports the old adage, ‘Bro’s before Jo’s.’ And Kyle took his customary ‘bow’ after the win. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t perform a ‘Kurt-sy’ after I win.”

8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fifth as Joe Gibbs Racing dominated at Kentucky, with Kyle Busch winning and all four JGR cars placing in the top-five.

“Obviously, we’re all big fans of NASCAR’s new aerodynamic rules package,” Kenseth said. “Especially Chad Knaus, who lives by the mantra ‘More rules means more rules to break.’”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch passed Joey Logano with 19 laps to go and ran away with the victory in the Quaker State 400. Busch has now won two of the last three races and now sits 35th in the points standings.

“I went by Logano,” Busch said, “then went bye.

“Gibbs Racing was strong up and down the line. Carl Edwards’ fourth-place finish was some welcome good news for Subway in the wake of the Jared Fogle scandal. Carl, in fact, was thrilled with his car’s handling. So it’s good for him that Jared’s ‘hard drive’ is in the news and not Carl’s.”

10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished seventh in his final race at Kentucky Speedway. He is 10th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 155 out of first.

“I’ve never won at Kentucky,” Gordon said, “so I’m disappointed. Kentucky is known for a lot of things, like their horses, their chicken, their jelly and their bourbon. I was honored with 24 bottles of the latter from each of the state’s four master distilleries. I’m sure most NASCAR fans can relate when I say I just got ‘liquored up.’”

July 14, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Daytona as a massive crash developed back in the field as the leaders crossed the finish line. Hendrick teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the race while HMS cohort Jeff Gordon took sixth.

“I don’t think you can necessarily blame anyone for the carnage on the last lap,” Johnson said, “so I don’t think anyone should be punished for it. But Austin Dillon should certainly be ‘grounded.’

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took fourth at Daytona, but not before making contact with Denny Hamlin, who hit Austin Dillon’s No. 3 and sent it airborne into the fence. Dillon was not hurt, and Harvick remained atop the Sprint Cup points standings.

“Dillon’s No. 3 car went flying in the air,” Harvick said. “I know exactly what it’s like to be a Richard Childress Racing driver and feel like things are ‘up in the air.’ But I knew he’d be okay because I’m an optimist, not a pessimist, and certainly not a nepotist.”

3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After qualifying was rained out, Earnhardt started on the pole at Daytona and won the rain-delayed Coke Zero 400, which ended at well past midnight.

“That race ended at 2:41 on Monday morning,” Earnhardt said, “and it ended with a scary crash that really freaked me out. So, the night ended with an ‘A.M.’ on the clock and a ‘B.M.’ in my pants.

“I’m up to second in the points standings. And my two wins puts me in great position in the Chase For The Cup. But if I don’t win the championship, I’ll be all right. I’m in love with the idea of winning the Sprint Cup title, but I’m not married to it.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: One week after a miserable day at Sonoma, Truex was collected in a crash triggered by Kasey Kahne that left Truex with a 38th-place finish.

“My accident was nothing compared to the last-lap incident,” Truex said. “That was frightening. You’ve heard of ‘three-wide’ racing. Austin Dillon went ‘three-high.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano, who won the Daytona 500 in February to open the season, finished 22nd despite falling four laps down early in the race.

“It was a grueling day at Daytona,” Logano said. “The race didn’t go green until 11:42 Sunday night and ended at 2:41 Monday morning. So, like most NASCAR races, fans were asleep by the end.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch, seeking his third win of the season, brought home a fifth-place finish in the Coke Zero 400, the culmination of a crash-filled weekend at Daytona International Speedway.

“Brad Keselowski wrecked my brother Kyle in Friday’s practice,” Busch said. “And NBC, back covering NASCAR, was there to broadcast it. They’re proud as a peacock while Keselowski is still a chicken.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s No. 2 Alliance Truck parts Ford was damaged in a mid-race pileup that eventually left him with a 29th-place finish in the Coke Zero 400. He is now seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 136 out of first.

“It was a tough day for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “Both Joey Logano and I found our fair share of trouble on the track, plus we didn’t have the speed anyway to match the Hendrick cars. On the plus side, it’s a good time not to be considered ‘race-ist.’”

8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 23rd at Daytona while Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin spun across the finish line in third after contact sent Austin Dillon’s car rocketing over three lanes of traffic in a spectacular final lap crash.

“Dillon went airborne and slammed into the catchfence,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards knows exactly what it feels like to be Dillon, because Carl’s never won a championship either.

“Daytona offered a ‘flag exchange in which you could turn in your Confederate flag for an American flag. It’s just too bad Alan Kulwicki can’t be there to provide a ‘Pole.’”

9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 15th at Daytona and moved up one spot in the points standings to sixth, 130 out of first.

“Thank goodness everyone’s okay following that huge last-lap crash,” McMurray said. “As it was, the race itself was the only thing that was ‘in morning.’”

10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished sixth in the Coke Zero 400 on a strong day for Hendrick Motorsports, as teammates Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson finished 1-2, respectively.

“What a great race by Dale and Jimmie,” Gordon said. “I’m proud to call those guys my teammates. I can also call them business partners, associates and friends. Heck, I could even call them my confederates. Now, all that remains to be seen is what will fly longer, the Confederate flag, or our race cars themselves.”

July 7, 2015