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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth at Sonoma, passed by eventual winner Kyle Busch with six laps remaining. Johnson is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 70 out of first.

    “Maybe we should have pitted during that final caution,” Johnson said. “But we had a strategy and we wanted to stick to it. I’m not one to question any decision Chad Knaus makes. If he says ‘Jump,’ usually I say ‘How high?’ Chad then says, ‘1/32 of an inch beyond NASCAR specifications.’

    “Busch was driving like a man possessed. He really took this Sonoma ‘making wine from grapes’ thing to heart and ‘stepped on it.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Sonoma, posting his eleventh top-five result of the year. He’s on top of the points standings with a 53-point lead on Martin Truex Jr.

    “Congratulations to Kyle Busch on his win,” Harvick said. “He’s one step closer to making the Chase. That means that Kyle, along with his brother Kurt, will both likely make the Chase. And just when I thought I was done with the ‘terrible two’s.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s day at Sonoma ended early when he was wrecked by David Ragan on lap 31. Truex finished 42nd, his worst finish of the year.

    “Ragan just plain ran me off the road,” Truex said. “He was driving that Michael Waltrip Racing No. 55 sponsored by Aaron Rents. I promise there will be revenge. Much like a sucker who rents furniture at outrageous interest rates from a place like that, there will be ‘hell to pay.’”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished seventh in the Save Mart 350 as Hendrick Motorsports drivers took positions 6, 7 and 8. Jimmie Johnson finished sixth, Kasey Kahne took eighth and Jeff Gordon came home 16th.

    “We’ve got Microsoft 10 sponsorship on the No. 88 car,” Earnhardt said. “That just shows you how times have changed in NASCAR. My father used to call some of his rivals tiny and weak, or ‘Microsoft.’

    “As you know, I became engaged a couple of weeks ago. I’m sure I disappointed a lot of female Junior Nation members. But let’s face it, I’m just a bit out of their league. I wouldn’t touch them with a 10-Foot Coors Light Pole,’ much less ask them to marry me.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Sonoma, posting his eighth top-five result of the year.

    “What a run by Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “With Sonoma being wine country and me being ‘Sliced Bread,’ I’d like to propose a ‘toast.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch started second on the grid at Sonoma and finished second to younger brother Kyle Busch in the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “Kyle celebrated with a glass of wine in Victory Circle,” Busch said. “And I’m so happy for him. People like it better when the Busch brothers are happy. When we’re not, it’s a case of fortified ‘whine.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled to a 19th-place finish in the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “Brian France wants to remove the Confederate flag from NASCAR,” Keselowski said. “And he’s not just whistling Dixie. But let’s be real. The one flag NASCAR needs to get rid of most is the yellow.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started third at Sonoma and finished 21st as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch charged to the win.

    “Now all four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers have a win this season,” Kenseth said. “This time, Kyle Busch drove his tail off, as opposed to his leg. Then he did donuts in Victory Lane and donuts are the closest he wants to get to the police these days.”

    9. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished eighth in the Toyota Save Mart 350 at Sonoma, recording his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “Now that Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is engaged,” Kahne said, “I’m now NASCAR’s most eligible bachelor. But I’m in no hurry to get hitched. Let’s just say I like to play the field, which means I’m currently involved with 43 women.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch won for the first time this year and a mere five weeks after returning from a broken leg suffered at Daytona in February, taking the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “For those who doubted my ability after such an injury,” Busch said, “this win in Northern California wine country should put a cork in it.

    “The road course at Sonoma has more twists and turns than the Kurt Busch-Patricia Driscoll saga. I think Kurt now knows better than to get involved with an assassin. We’ll see whether women will know better than to get involved with an ass.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet was damaged when he went three-wide early in the Quicken Loans 400. The consequences cost Johnson track position and he eventually finished 19th after battling his way back for the remainder of the race.

    “You heard right,” Johnson said. “I went three-wide. That’s something the average NASCAR fan can’t relate to. But they can come close because the average NASCAR fan can certainly relate to going ‘double-wide.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 63 laps at Michigan, but his day was derailed by tire troubles that left him with a 29th-place finish, his worst result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 15 over Martin Truex Jr.

    “Hey,” Harvick said, “finishing 29th isn’t all that bad. ‘29’ was my car number at Richard Childress Racing. And finishing 29th reminded me why I left RCR in the first place.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took third in the Quicken Loans 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 of the year. He trails Kevin Harvick by 15 in the points standings.

    “Rain interrupted Sunday’s race four times,” Truex said. “In fact, there were so many water ‘breaks,’ it reminded me of pregnant NASCAR wives.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second at Michigan, tops among Hendrick Motorsports drivers. He is fourth in the points standings, 68 out of first.

    “The No. 88 Chevy was sponsored by Amp Energy’s new ‘Passion Fruit’ flavor,” Earnhardt said. “I’m not sure that flavor appeals to the good people of Junior Nation. If there’s a fruit they’re passionate about, it better be in the form of schnapps.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano placed fifth in the Quicken Loan 400, posting his eighth top-five finish of the year.

    “How did Kurt Busch pull out the win?” Logano said. “The rain came at precisely the right moment. And all this time I thought he was trying to get the dark cloud away from him.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fifth, in the top 10.

    “Logano won at Daytona,” Keselowski said, “and I won at California. And Penske hasn’t won since. You could say we’re just ‘coasting.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took fourth at Michigan, scoring his sixth top-five result of the season.

    “My son, Ross, got his first win in the ARCA racing series on Friday night,” Kenseth said. “Obviously, talent runs in the family. There are a lot of drivers who’ll argue that I’m the only thing that ‘runs’ in the family.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Kurt Busch won the rain-shortened Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, taking the lead when Kyle Larson was forced to pit for fuel. A downpour ensued, and Busch had his second win of the year.

    “I won today,” Busch said. “That means I have a checkered present to go along with my checkered past.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Michigan after starting 13th on the grid.

    “Congratulations to Kurt Busch,” Hamlin said. “After two wins this season, he must feel vindicated. Especially now that the feds are investigating his former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. Apparently, her most covert operation may have been her accounting.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh in the Quicken Loans 400, scoring his third consecutive seventh-place finish.

    “I feel for Kyle Larson,” McMurray said. “He deserved the win, but the rain, or lack thereof, cost him. If the weather were as predictable as racing itself, Larson would have had the win.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Fresh off a win at Dover, Johnson finished third in the Axalta 400 at Pocono, his ninth top-five of the year. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 78 out of first.

    “I blew a tire on lap 87,” Johnson said, “but I was still able to pull out a third. I’ve got to hand it to my pit crew for getting me back out there quickly. It was a ‘change’ that even Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner’s doctors would be proud of.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick couldn’t catch Martin Truex Jr. down the stretch at Pocono and settled for second, his 10th runner-up finish of the season. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 39 over Truex.

    “Congratulations to Martin for his win in the ‘Axalta 400,” Harvick said. “Axalta’s slogan may be ‘We paint winners.’ For 10 races this season, my slogan has been ‘We ain’t winners.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 97 of 160 laps at Pocono and finally won for the first time this season, taking the Axalta 400.

    “I feel like the monkey is off my back,” Truex said. “That’s also how I felt after leaving Michael Waltrip Racing.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt started on row 10 at Pocono and brought home an 11th-place finish, as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top 14.

    “Martin Truex’s win was a popular one for everyone involved in NASCAR,” Earnhardt said. “Even the good people of Junior Nation couldn’t help but applaud. As usual, the clap was rampant among my fans.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano fell a lap down early but strongly rebounded for a fourth-place finish, his seventh top-five finish of the year. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 79 out of first.

    “I have a cameo in the ‘Sharknado 3’ movie,” Logano said. “’Cameo’ means you show up once. They call me ‘Sliced Bread,’ and that makes my part in the movie the ‘roll’ of a lifetime.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s day at Pocono soured when he got into the back of the No. 34 car of Brett Moffitt with 32 laps to go. Keselowski eventually finished 17th and is sixth in the points standings, 118 out of first.

    “I was this close to avoiding that No. 34 car,” Keselowski said. “It reminds me of a story I’ve read my newborn girl—‘Little Miss Moffitt.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth topped all Joe Gibbs Racing drivers at Pocono, finishing sixth for his eighth top-10 of the year.

    “They call Pocono ‘The Tricky Triangle,’” Kenseth said. “And speaking of shapes, I’m known as the ‘Shifty Square.’

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin, a four-time winner at Pocono, finished 10th in the Axalta 400, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year.

    “As you may know,” Hamlin said, “Axalta is known for its coatings. And they are a primary sponsor of Jeff Gordon’s No. 24 Chevrolet. That means they pay him to put their product on his car. And that’s called a cover charge.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Pocono, posting his sixth top-10 finish of the year.

    “Ten different drivers have won races this year,” McMurray said. “One of those is Martin Truex Jr. He’s qualified for The Chase For The Cup, and no one can take that away from him. But we’ll see.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Pocono, his third pole of the season, and finished fifth in the Axalta 400.

    “What a race by Martin Truex Jr.,” Busch said. “He totally dominated the second half of the race. He really went in for the kill, but I’ll stop short of calling him an assassin.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led the final 23 laps and won the FedEx 400, capturing his 10th win in 27 starts at the famous one-mile track and his fourth win overall.

    “Ten wins at one track is quite an accomplishment,” Johnson said. “If there was any doubt that I’m one of the greatest drivers in history, my dominance at Dover is concrete proof.

    “We were penalized by NASCAR for some minor infractions. As we well know from the plight of Jeremy Mayfield, NASCAR severely frowns upon ‘tweaking.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Dover, posting his ninth top-five finish and eighth runner-up of the year. He leads the points standings with a 41-point lead over Martin Truex Jr.

    “Jimmie Johnson won for the 10th time at Dover,” Harvick said. “That’s truly a groundbreaking achievement. Of course, any achievement is ‘groundbreaking’ at Dover—that track is falling to pieces.

    “The No. 4 Chevy featured the Ditech paint scheme. Ditech is a home loan service, as well as one of my biggest supporters. They give me ‘credit’ all the time, in addition to showing lots of interest.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: For the third consecutive race, Truex led the most laps, but fell short of winning. At Dover, Truex led 131 laps and finished sixth.

    “Am I going to win a race this year?” Truex said. “Please, I’d prefer not to be asked ‘leading’ questions.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th in the FedEx 400, three laps down, following a pit road speeding penalty.

    “First, we had to start at the rear of the field after changing a rear gear,” Earnhardt said, “then the No. 88 car had a radio issue early in the race. Let’s just say things didn’t sound good all day. Luckily, our radio issues don’t happen with great frequency.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 11th at Dover, one spot ahead of Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski.

    “I just turned 25 years old,” Logano said. “But listen, I’m no spring chicken. Well, that is unless you ask Ryan Newman. According to Newman, if it’s between March 21 and June 21 and I’m avoiding him, then I’m a ‘spring chicken.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took 12th in the FedEx 400 at Dover, one lap down after starting 19th. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 102 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “What a run by Jimmie Johnson,” Keselowski said. “Ten wins at one track is one heck of an accomplishment, and JJ celebrated appropriately with a beer. Oh, it wasn’t ‘Miller Time’ for Johnson; it was ‘miler’ time.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth suffered a broken front suspension and finished 39th at Dover, his worst finish of the year.

    “Kyle Busch was strong until he wrecked with Brian Scott,” Kenseth said. “Then Kyle stuck his head in Scott’s car and gave him a piece of his mind. Kyle may have broken his leg, but he definitely hasn’t broken character.”

    8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon charged late at Dover and grabbed a 10th-place finish, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

    “The No. 24 car looked a lot like Greg Biffle’s No. 16 used to,” Gordon said. “3M told Biffle last year, ‘It’s no go with our logo.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Dover, but things didn’t finish as well as they started. A late crash left Hamlin with a 21st, while no other Joe Gibbs Racing driver finished better than 19th.

    “Carl Edwards’ 19th was the best finish among JGR drivers,” Hamlin said, “but he didn’t even finish on the lead lap. One week after winning at Charlotte, Carl went from back flipping to back marking.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch was involved in a late incident with Brian Scott that knocked him out of the top 10. After numerous pits stops and several flat tires, Busch limped home with a 31st at Dover.

    “There’s only one thing I’ve blown more than tires,” Busch said, “and that’s gaskets.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Charlotte, recording his 11th top-10 finish of the year. He leads the points standings, ahead of Martin Truex Jr. by 41.

    “The Coke 600 marked the return of Kyle Busch,” Harvick said, “and he finished a solid 11th. He was in the No. 18 Skittles car. As you may know, the Skittles motto is ‘Taste the Rainbow.’ A typical rainbow is usually comprised of seven colors, which is six more than a typical crowd at a NASCAR race.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson lost control on lap 273 at Charlotte and slammed the inside wall, ruining his night in the Coca-Cola 600. He eventually finished 40th, 30 laps behind.

    “Thank goodness that SAFER barrier was there,” Johnson said. “The crash may have looked violent, but it was not. In fact, it was a ‘Lowe’s impact’ collision.

    “One year ago, that SAFER barrier wasn’t even in place. Back then, with the letters rearranged, it was called the FEARS barrier.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished third in the Coca-Cola 600, posting his seventh top-five of the season. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “You know who else finished third?” Earnhardt said. “Lewis Hamilton at the Formula 1 Grand Prix Of Monaco. Somebody asked Lewis after the race what it felt like to give away the win like that. He said, ‘It’s the pits.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano led 17 laps and finished 13th at Charlotte while Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took seventh. Logano is third in the points standings, 66 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “What a race by Juan Pablo Montoya at Indianapolis,” Logano said. “He celebrated with the traditional bottle of milk. Now, if you would have told me before the race about a Colombian and a ‘white substance,’ milk certainly wouldn’t have entered my mind.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led a race-high 131 laps in the Coca-Cola 600 and finished fifth, earning his 11th top 10 of the year.

    “I hate to be a whiner,” Truex said, “but I lost a fuel mileage race, outdone by drivers who saved gas. And I’m not happy. They’re celebrating in the ‘conservatory,’ which is the same place I play the world’s smallest violin.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished tenth at Charlotte, posting his fifth top 10 of the year.

    “I was proud of my brother Kyle,” Busch said. “He had a great finish at Charlotte. He wanted to return sooner, but I talked him out of it. I quoted an Iredell County sheriff when I said, ‘What’s your rush?’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh in the Coca-Cola 600 and is now sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I welcomed a baby girl into the world on Saturday,” Keselowski said. “I don’t think she looks a bit like me, but people tell me she’s got my gums. I even had to look over my shoulder for Kevin Harvick when the doctor told my girlfriend Paige White to ‘push.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on pole at Charlotte and finished fourth after leading 26 laps. He is seventh in the points standings, 101 out of first.

    “Carl Edwards was finally able to perform his signature back flip,” Kenseth said. “That’s the first time since joining JGR that he’s landed on his feet.”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead on lap 382 at Charlotte and ran away from the field, taking the Coca-Cola 600 win, his first in 31 races and first as a Joe Gibbs Racing driver.

    “It was great to take the No. 19 car with Subway sponsorship to victory lane,” Edwards said. “Up until Charlotte, I don’t think I’ve done my sponsors justice. You could say my performance was ‘Sub par.’”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Charlotte on a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing, as all four JGR drivers finished in the top 11, with Carl Edwards taking the win.

    “Sunday was a great day for motor racing,” Hamlin said, “and a great day for Toyota at Charlotte. Nico won at Monaco, Juan Pablo won at Indianapolis, and Tokyo won at Charlotte.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s gamble in the pits paid off and he captured his second win of the year, winning the SpongeBob SquarePants 400 at Kansas.

    “We stayed out to win it,” Johnson said. “It’s too bad no one stayed up to see it.

    “I called my wife Chandra after the race, but accidentally Face-timed her. She wasn’t too happy about that, and I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive me. But I’m hoping. Let’s just say we both seriously need some ‘make up.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Jimmie Johnson to the finish line at Kansas but was unable to catch him, instead settling for the runner-up finish, his sixth second-place finish of the year.

    “Johnson edged me by less than a second,” Harvick said. “For a race that lasted well past sundown, it was a true ‘Nick At Night.’”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home third in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400, as the Hendrick Motorsports drivers took three of the top 4 spots, with Jimmie Johnson capturing the win.

    “Hendrick has flexed its muscles in the last two weeks,” Earnhardt said. “Our engines are a direct reflection of Rick Hendrick because the engines, much like Rick, are ‘loaded.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Kansas and finished fifth in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 62 out of first.

    “Even though I didn’t win,” Logano said, “I had a great time racing in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400. It was the closest thing to childhood I’ve ever experienced.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex pitted for fuel only during the race’s final caution, a decision that made him vulnerable to cars behind him with fresh tires. Truex still finished ninth, earning his 10th top-10 of the year.

    “We had a car capable of winning,” Truex said. “We led a race-high 95 laps, but lost the lead after a mistake in the pits. One would think that in a car sponsored by Furniture Row, we’d be able to ‘sit’ on a lead. But it was not to be, and I can’t ‘couch’ my disappointment. Now my detractors will continue to say I can’t win a race, a criticism that a victory would surely put to bed.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch took eighth at Kansas, posting his third top-10 of the year.

    “I’ve got a lot in common with SpongeBob SquarePants,” Busch said. “We both have a teammate named ‘Patrick,’ and neither ‘Patrick’ has won a Sprint Cup race.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400, scoring his seventh top-10 of the year.

    “First the ‘SpongeBob SquarePants 400,” Keselowski said. “What’s next? The ‘Adventure Time 500?’ If that’s the case, the race will air on the ‘Car Tune Network.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished sixth at Kansas, posting his sixth top-10 result of the year. He is seventh in the points standings, 106 out of first.

    “It was an otherwise disappointing day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards had the next best finish with a 20th. Carl has only one top-10 finish this year. I think Joe Gibbs has second thoughts about hiring him. With Carl in mind, if there’s one thing Joe would like to see ‘flipped,’ it’s the script.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 13 at Kansas in the rain-delayed SpongeBob SquarePants 400.

    “Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s spin brought out the last caution,” McMurray said. “In SpongeBob speak, that’s called going ‘Skidward.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at Kansas and is now 11th in the points standings, 125 out of first.

    “What do you know?” Almirola said. “The SpongeBob SquarePants 400, a sea-themed NASCAR race. I’ve heard of ‘mussel’ cars, but this is ridiculous!”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick qualified 24th at Talladega and struggled to find speed for much of the day. Then, the No. 4 Stewart-Haas Chevy received front-end damage after being caught up in a lap 47 accident. Despite his troubles, Harvick scored a solid eighth-place finish and remained atop the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I’m not thrilled,” Harvick said, “but I’m ‘Happy.’ Even when I don’t win, it’s easy to put on a ‘Happy’ face.

    “When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And, when the damage gets severe, I persevere. I’m not sure what happened on lap 47. It looks like David Ragan ran out of talent, as they say.

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started third at Talladega as Hendrick Motorsports cars took four of the top five spots in qualifying. Johnson took the runner-up spot behind HMS teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “What do you know?” Johnson said. “On a weekend when many high-schoolers were off to proms, it was ‘Junior Prom’ at Talladega, and I escorted Dale right to the finish line.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt led a race-high 67 laps and won at Talladega for the first time since 2004.

    “I took the win at Talladega,” Earnhardt said, “and the crowd roared. When my fans get loud, they scream at the top of their lungs. And trust me, they mean it from the bottom of their hearts, and their livers.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano suffered significant damage when he was collected in a lap 47 accident triggered when David Ragan’s No. 6 car got loose. Logano eventually finished 33rd, two laps down, and now has two results of 33rd or worse in his last three races.

    “I did win on Saturday in the Xfinity Series race,” Logano said. “I had to make a last-lap block to preserve the win. That was an intense race. And let’s face it, an intense race is what Talladega is all about, because the circuit’s huge infield is utopia for the real ‘in tents race,’ which is white people camping out.

    “All the talk at Talladega was about ‘the draft. And speaking of ‘The Draft,’ if you put Jameis Winston in a car at Talladega, he’d no doubt ‘steal’ a win.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fifth in the Geico 500, posting his ninth top-10 result of the season. He is now second in the points standings, 40 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “Talladega is NASCAR’s longest super speedway,” Truex said. “’Super Speed Way’ also happens to be the street in Owensboro, Kentucky that the Mayfield’s call home. On that street, there is no speed limit.”

    6. Kurt Busch: One week after winning at Richmond, Busch posted a respectable 12th at Talladega.

    “GoDaddy is dropping their sponsorship of my teammate Danica Patrick’s No. 10 car,” Busch said. “I guess they didn’t want to spend the money. How much money is that, anyway? I’m not sure, but it has to be a ‘father figure.’ Now, people can sarcastically ask Danica the same question they ask Joey Logano—-where’s your Daddy?’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 22nd on a tough day for Penske Racing, as teammate Joey Logano finished 33rd. Keselowski is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 89 out of first.

    “This race had about as much excitement as the Floyd Mayweather-Manny Pacquiao fight,” Keselowski said. “Mayweather and Pacquiao made a combined $200 million for the fight. And, much like in racing, there was a ‘check-ered’ flag waved at the end.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne started on the front row alongside pole sitter and Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon at Talladega. Unfortunately, his day soured when his No. 5 Chevrolet was damaged in a lap 47 pileup that involved 16 cars. Kahne eventually finished 34th, 30 laps down.

    “Gordon and I started 1-2,” Kahne said. “Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson finished 1-2. All this talk about the ole 1-2, and oddly enough, none of it had to do with anyone punching Brad Keselowski.

    “But congratulations to Junior. He did what he had to do to win. And Jimmie did what he had to do to for Junior to win. I hear JJ’s headed to Key West, Florida to open his new bar. It’s called ‘Jimmie Buffer’s.’”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led five laps and finished ninth at Talladega, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

    “I hear Jeff Gordon is driving the pace car at the Indianapolis 500 on May 24th. I’m not sure what the pit road speed limit for a pace car at Indy is, but I am sure Jeff will exceed it.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray just missed a top-10 finish in the Geico 500 with an 11th at Talladega. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “There was a lot of single file racing on Sunday,” McMurray said. “Now at Talladega, when you ask about the ‘lineup,’ you have to specify whether you mean qualifying or the actual race. Talladega is the world’s fastest game of Follow The Leader.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second to Stewart-Haas teammate Kurt Busch at Richmond, as Harvick scored the runner-up spot for the fifth time this season.

    “Kurt deserved the win,” Harvick said. “He was by far the best car in the field, and everyone knew it. Kurt proved that his girlfriend isn’t the only thing he can ‘throttle.’

    “I was honored at the White House on Tuesday. Basically, President Obama and I discussed aerodynamics. We both think spoilers are important; I just prefer the ‘right wing’ to the ‘left wing.’”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started 36th and worked his way inside the top 10 quickly on his way to a third in the Toyota Owners 400. It was Johnson’s fifth top-5 result of the year, and he is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 58 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “I hear Harvick visited the White House,” Johnson said. “I’ve been there and done that, several times. Trust me, I know what it’s like to be surrounded by security. Usually, it’s when Chad Knaus is running ‘secret service’ on the No. 48 in the garage.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano dominated early at Richmond, starting from the pole and leading the first 94 laps on his way to a fifth-place finish.

    “They call me ‘Sliced Bread,’” Logano said. “Just a few short weeks ago, they called Kurt Busch ‘Toast.’”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch was the class of the field for much of Sunday’s race at Richmond, leading 291 laps on his way to the win, his first in 35 races. The victory likely qualifies Busch for the Chase for the Cup field.

    “The No. 41 Stewart-Haas Chevy handled great,” Busch said. “Finally, we can talk about my car’s suspension, and not mine.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished a disappointing 17th at Richmond after dropping a cylinder on lap 254.

    “When you mention ‘No. 2’ and ‘dropped a cylinder’ in the same sentence,” Keselowski said, “you can assume your day has ‘gone to pot.’

    “Kurt Busch just made the Chase field. Now, let’s see if Kyle Busch can. Brian France said he may grant Kyle a waiver when he returns to racing, meaning Kyle could make the Chase with a win despite not being in the top 30 in points. Let’s not automatically assume Kyle will win and make the field. If we assume, Kyle could make an ass out of you and me.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex posted his eighth top-10 finish of the year with a 10th in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

    “Chevrolets took the top four spots at Richmond,” Truex said, “while the best Toyota finish was Matt Kenseth in seventh. I think we know who the Toyota ‘owners’ really are —–it’s the Chevy’s.

    “Did you see that pit road fire in the Xfinity Series? Luckily, NASCAR safety officials put that fire out using their ‘Xtinguish Series.’”

    7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th at Richmond, the only Hendrick Motorsports driver outside the top 10. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

    “I had a dust up with Tony Stewart with 40 laps to go,” Earnhardt said. “I blame Tony and Tony blames me. Tony couldn’t get his car restarted after the wreck, and he was not happy. Apparently, the old adage ‘Where there’s Smoke, there’s ‘fire’’ is not true.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: One week after winning at Bristol, Kenseth finished seventh in the Toyota Owners 400, his fifth top 10 of the year.

    “Kurt Busch drove an impressive race,” Kenseth said. “Even with Kevin Harvick stalking him, he didn’t fold. I guess Kurt is right—-he didn’t choke.”

    9. Kasey Kahne: Kahne joined Hendrick Motorsports teammates Jimmie Johnson (third) and Jeff Gordon (eight) in the top 10 with a sixth at Richmond.

    “It was overall a solid day for HMS,” Kahne said. “If not for Tony Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Jr. would have joined us in the top 10. But I think Junior’s willing to let it slide. The last thing Tony needs is a guilt trip.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray led four laps and finished fourth at Richmond, scoring his second top five of the year. He is ninth in the points standings, 93 out of first.

    “Kurt Busch was just too fast for anyone to catch,” McMurray said. “Much like his former girlfriend, you could say Kurt was ‘on a mission.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 184 laps at Bristol, but his fortunes turned dramatically when he crashed into David Ragan’s spinning No. 18 car. Harvick finished 38th, 43 laps down, ending his streak of seven consecutive top-10 finishes this season.

    “Jimmie Johnson started that wreck,” Harvick said. “That wasn’t the only one. Let’s just say his Sprint Cup titles aren’t the only reason they call Jimmie ‘Six Time.’”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson survived numerous incidents at Bristol to pull out an unlikely runner-up result in the Food City 500.

    “I was involved in quite a few spins,” Johnson said, “and those spins affected several other drivers. Put it this way: there were a lot of drivers looking at me ‘sideways.’”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano’s day at Thunder Valley soured early when a wreck by teammate Brad Keselowski damaged the No. 22 Ford. Logano eventually finished 40th, 59 laps down.

    “That wreck knocked us both out of contention,” Logano said, “and knocked our relationship into contention.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started second at Bristol and ran into early trouble when he lost control on lap 18 and slammed the wall, collecting Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano. Both Penske cars suffered extensive damage; Keselowski finished 35th while Logano finished 40th.

    “I’m not sure what happened,” Keselowski said. “Usually, when I take a hard right like that, I expect Denny Hamlin to be in the way, not the wall.”

    “My good buddy Kyle Busch is out of his wheelchair. He’ll probably be racing this summer, and I expect Kyle to be back better than ever. I bet you he’ll be doing 195 miles per hour in the No. 18 at Daytona in July, or the same down some residential area in Moore County, North Carolina in a street car.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished a disappointing 29th in the Food City 500, the first time he’s finished out of the top 10 this season.

    “Kurt Busch looked strong,” Truex said, “until he decided to pit late in the race. Then he rear-ended Carl Edwards. That just killed Kurt’s chances. That’s why he’s known as the ‘Stewart-Haas-assin.’”

    6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 16th at Bristol, as Hendrick teammates Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon took second and third, respectively. Earnhardt is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 73 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “From start to finish,” Earnhardt said, “Sunday’s race lasted nine hours. Most NASCAR races only seem to last that long.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole in the Food City 500 and took the win, earning his first win of the season and a spot in the Chase For The Sprint Cup. Kenseth pulled away from Jimmie Johnson to capture his first win since the 2013 season.

    “It’s been a tough year for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “Kyle Busch has a gimpy ankle, Denny Hamlin has a bum neck, and Carl Edwards has a knucklehead.

    “I must admit I was surprised when Kurt Busch pitted from the lead with 25 laps to go. Of course, it’s not like I’m the only person to question a decision made by Kurt.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne was a victim of a late pileup triggered when Carl Edwards got loose racing side by side with Jeff Gordon. Kahne finished 37th, the worst result among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

    “Have you seen Kyle Busch lately?” Kahne said. “You know, Kyle used to drive the No. 5 car for Hendrick. His condition now should remind him of his final days at HMS, because he’s ‘got the boot.’”

    9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon battled back from a loose wheel that set him back two laps to finish a solid third at Bristol. Gordon started second on the green-white-checkered finish but was no match for Matt Kenseth, who restarted on the preferred outside line.

    “Unlike me,” Gordon said, “Kenseth has no intentions of retiring. Me? I’ve done enough in this business to call it a career. Four Sprint Cup titles and more money than I know what to do with. So I quit this rich.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was running fifth when neck spasms forced him from the No. 11 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota on lap 22 during the race’s first rain delay. JGR developmental driver Erik Jones took over and finished 26th.

    “That’s some neck ‘restraint,’ something even a HANS device would be proud of,” Hamlin said.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Texas, earning his ninth runner-up finish in his last 10 races. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 26 over Joey Logano.

    “Jimmie Johnson and I have won four of seven races this season,” Harvick said. “Johnson’s win at Texas supports the notion that the Sprint Cup championship is a two-man battle, and I ‘seconded’ that.

    “I visited The Masters on Thursday in support of my friend Scott Harvey, who’s an amateur. I took my Stewart-Haas Chevy with me. Every time Scott hit a shot, I said ‘4!’”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took the lead for good with 14 laps to go, passing Kevin Harvick and Jamie McMurray, to win the Duck Commander 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.

    “Nothing’s more satisfying that putting on a cowboy hat and firing off a few rounds from a six-shooter,” Johnson said. “It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe unless you’re Kurt Busch, who would no doubt say he felt like an ‘assassin.’ And he knows.

    “But I’m not a big fan of ten-gallon hats. I prefer my volume measured in ‘Cups,’ and seven is the quantity I’m looking for.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano led 19 laps and finished fourth in the Duck Commander 500, posting his third top-five result of the season.

    “Kurt Busch won his second pole of the season,” Logano said. “In Kurt’s world, winning the pole again is known as getting ‘reinstated’ to the first starting spot.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski joined Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fourth, in the top five with a fifth in the Duck Commander 500.

    “It was a very uneventful race,” Keselowski said. “Unlike November’s race in Texas, nothing happened. Call it a ‘ho humdinger.’ Even the boredom was Texas-sized. Had the race last November been called the Duck Commander 500, maybe it would have done me some good. With all the shoves and punches flying at me then, a ‘duck’ call surely would have helped.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth in the Duck Commander 500, giving him six top 10’s in the season’s first seven races. He stands third in the points standings, 50 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “There’s another ‘Junior’ making news,” Truex said. “Apparently, Danica Patrick would say ‘yes’ if Ricky Stenhouse Jr. would propose. That puts Ricky in a truly awkward predicament. Now, it seems both Patrick and Stenhouse are in ‘no-win’ situations.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home third on a strong day for Hendrick Motorsports, which placed four drivers in the top seven. Earnhardt is seventh is the points standings, 93 out of first.

    “Rick Hendrick couldn’t be happier,” Earnhardt said. “Unlike a Richard Childress Racing tire, Rick’s ego is fully inflated.

    7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished eighth in the Duck Commander 500 after starting fourth and leading six laps.

    “Did you see Michael Waltrip standing atop Texas Motor Speedway’s giant video monitor?” Kahne said. “Michael looked a little wobbly up there, but then again, when has Michael ever been that sure of his ‘orientation.’”

    8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished seventh at Texas as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top seven.

    “I really wanted to win in Texas,” Gordon said. “That would have been the perfect going away present. As it was, Jimmie Johnson won ‘going away.’”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Texas, one spot behind Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Carl Edwards in 10th. Hamlin is seventh in the points standings.

    “This race was called the ‘NRA 500’ in 2013,” Hamlin said. “That was a scary day, especially for the No. 42 Target car.

    “Michael Waltrip dropped a taco on my car before the race. It wasn’t a big deal to me. It’s one thing to have hot sauce on your Toyota; it’s another to have hot sauce in your Toyota. Michael did; it was called ‘jet fuel.’”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth in the Duck Commander 500, scoring his third top-10 finish of the year.

    “Wow!” McMurray said. “There were stars of the ‘Duck Dynasty’ show in Victory Lane. I really would have loved to win this race so I could have met the one and only Willie Robertson. That way, the ‘McDaddy’ could have met the ‘Quack Daddy.’”