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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon blew past Kasey Kahne on the final restart with 17 laps to go and cruised to his record fifth Brickyard 400 win. It was his second win of the season and strengthened his lead in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “Five times!” Gordon said. “That’s amazing! I’m not just a brick kisser; I’m a brick layer.

    “I’d won four of the first 11 Brickyards. The last came in 2004. My last Sprint Cup title came in 2001. I was starting to worry that I’d be stuck on ‘4’ forever. I couldn’t help but think, ‘If the third time is the charm, the fourth must be the limit.’”

    2. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home ninth at Indianapolis as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top 14. Earnhardt is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Hendrick dominance was on full display,” Earnhardt said. “Gordon ‘kissed the bricks’ with his restart; Kasey Kahne ‘laid a brick’ with his.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski posted a 12th at Indianapolis, a disappointing run considering his qualifying effort of third. He holds the third spot in the Sprint Cup points standings, 51 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I’m third is the Sprint Cup points standings with 666,” Keselowski said. “I’m told that’s the ‘number of the beast.’ But rest assured, Christians, my cars don’t have horns.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 14th at Indianapolis as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon captured the win. Johnson is fifth in the points standings, 89 behind Gordon.

    “The mayor of Indianapolis declared July 27th ‘Jeff Gordon Day,’” Johnson said. “That’s an impressive accomplishment, but I can top it. I can’t say I’ve had any days named after me, but I have had seasons named after me: 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2013.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished third in the Brickyard 400 on a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing, as Joe Gibbs Racing drivers came home 2-3-4.

    “It was an awesome day for JGR,” Kenseth said. “And I say, ‘Why mess up a good thing?’ Do we really need Carl Edwards? The last thing this ‘stable’ needs is a jackass.

    “Carl is being replaced at Roush-Fenway by Trevor Bayne. I guess Jack Roush finally got that elusive Daytona 500 win.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Indianapolis, his second straight runner-up finish. Joe Gibbs Racing cars all placed in the top five, with Denny Hamlin taking third and Matt Kenseth fourth.

    “Good things come in two’s,” Busch said. “At least, that’s what ‘they’ say; ‘they’ being everyone except the parents of Kurt and I.

    “I wasn’t on the JGR airplane that collided at the Concord, North Carolina airport. I guess runways can be like race teams: overcrowded.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th in the Brickyard 400 on a day dominated by Jeff Gordon. Edwards is eighth in the points standings, 114 out of first.

    “Roush-Fenway Racing finally confirmed that I’m leaving the organization,” Edwards said. “Gordon may be kissing them, but I’m hitting the bricks.

    “The magnitude of my departure finally hit me on my last pit stop. As I was leaving the pits, I thought to myself, ‘Leaving is the pits.’”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Indianapolis to lead the way for Penske Racing. He is ninth in the points standings, 126 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Roger Penske is winless in the Brickyard 400,” Logano said. “He even brought Juan Montoya here to try for the win. It was a one shot deal, but we’re going to send Montoya on his way in style, with a few drinks. In honor of Montoya’s one-shot deal, we’re going to celebrate with a two-shot deal: one for us, and ‘Juan for the road.’”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th at Indianapolis and remained seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I’m Richard Childress Racing’s best hope for a spot in the Chase,” Newman said. “Talk about a no-win situation.”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won the pole at Indianapolis and led 12 early laps on his way to an eighth-place finish.

    “Did you hear?” Harvick said. “Joe Gibbs Racing and Stewart-Haas Racing planes collided on the runway at Concord Regional Airport. It looks like the *&#$ has hit the propeller. Apparently, JGR’s plane hit the SHR plane, which was parked. In other news, Carl Edwards may not be coming to JGR.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated the Nationwide race on Saturday and duplicated that feat on Sunday, leading 138 of 301 laps to win at New Hampshire.

    “Once again,” Keselowski said, “It’s time for the celebratory champagne. But there’s a big difference in breaking out the champagne and breaking open the champagne.

    “The No. 2 Penske Ford featured the Redd’s Apple Ale paint scheme. So, at least for one race, I bleed ‘Redd.’”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led late at New Hampshire but ran out of gas, settling for a 26th. He remains on top of the Sprint Cup points standings with a 12-point lead over Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “This win really solidified Brad Keselowski’s status as a title contender,” Gordon said. “Of course, that was also evident at Kentucky a few weeks back, where Brad sliced his hand open before declaring his readiness for the playoffs by saying, ‘Let’s cut to the Chase.’”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered two flat tires early in the Camping World RV Sales 301, the last of which sent him into the wall, ending his day after just 11 laps. He finished 42nd and is now fifth in the points standings, 72 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Goodyear says we had our tires underinflated,” Johnson said. “I say Goodyear has their egos overinflated.

    “Obviously, there were a lot of tire changes in Sunday’s race. But nobody needs to ‘re-tire’ more than Morgan Shepherd.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt placed 10th at New Hampshire in a race dominated by Brad Keselowski. Earnhardt was the only Hendrick Motorsports driver in the top 10, and is now second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 12 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Brad Keselowski was awarded a New England lobster for the win,” Earnhardt said. “What has claws, a tail, and horns? Teresa Earnhardt.”

    5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 13th at New Hampshire as Roush Fenway teammate Ricky Stenhouse Jr. took ninth. Edwards is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 96 out of first.

    “You’ve probably heard about the formation of the Race Team Alliance,” Edwards said. “For heaven’s sake, don’t call it a ‘union.’ If you dare say ‘union’ at most NASCAR events, you may find yourself choked by a Confederate flag.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Still in search of his first win this season, Kenseth took fourth at New Hampshire, leading 12 laps. He is fourth in the points standings, 49 out of first.

    “After Hendrick Motorsports won four straight races,” Kenseth said, “Ford has now won the last four. Toyota hasn’t won a race since Talladega back in May. I’m not sure what Toyota’s are searching more for, speed, or answers.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano was running second with less than 100 laps to go when 72-year-old Morgan Shepherd made contact with Logan’s No. 22 Penske Chevy. Logano finished 40th, 90 laps down, while Shepherd took 39th.

    “I don’t think Shepherd even knew I was there,” Logano said. “Heck, I’m not sure he even knows where he is. That must be why they call him the ‘Ageless Wander.’

    “Shepherd is old enough to be my grandfather, and dumb enough to be my father.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole, setting a Loudon track record of 138.130 miles per hour in Friday’s qualifying. He was fast on Sunday as well, finishing second behind Brad Keselowski. Busch is eighth in the points standings, 103 out of first.

    “I finished as runner-up to Brad Keselowski twice at New Hampshire,” Busch said. “And there’s nothing wrong with that. Let me put that into perspective by quoting my brother Kurt when I say, “It’s okay to be second-best.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his second top-five finish of the year with a fifth at New Hampshire. He is seventh in the points standings, 97 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I’m not so sure about the formation of this ‘RTA’ deal,” Newman said. “I’ll say the same thing about that as I did to Rusty Wallace when I begrudgingly became his teammate: ‘I want no part of this race team alliance.’”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson came home third in the Camping World RV Sales 301 at New Hampshire, posting his fourth top-five result of the year.

    “Some say Morgan Shepherd is too old to be racing,” Larson said. “I think I’m in agreement. Shepherd made his Sprint Cup debut back in 1970, and although his age has increased, his speed hasn’t. So, when Shepherd takes to the track in 2014, it’s just like ‘old times.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon overcame damage in an early wreck at Daytona and finished 12th, maintaining the points lead. He leads Dale Earnhardt Jr. by 27, as Hendrick drivers occupy the top three spots.

    “It was all about survival,” Gordon said, “and I survived. ‘It’s called survival, only the strong can survive.’ And that may be the first and last time a NASCAR driver quotes Grand Master Flash.

    “And speaking of NASCAR and rappers, I haven’t seen 50 Cent around lately. That may be because Erin Andrews told him to kiss off.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was caught in a lap 20 wreck that ended his day with a 42nd-place finish, his worst of the year. He is third in the points standings, 55 out of first.

    “What a day for Aric Almirola,” Johnson said. “Richard Petty made the 43 car famous; Almirola made it relevant, at least on Sunday. That makes Aric ‘King’ for a day. And he’ll be in the news consistently for the coming week. So, that makes Aric a loyal subject.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th at Daytona, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 27 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I was looking for the Daytona sweep,” Earnhardt said. “Unfortunately, there wasn’t a broom in sight—only mops.

    “That’s probably one of the wettest weeks of racing at Daytona. The rain affected everything: practice, qualifying, and the race. But it was business as usual for Junior Nation in the Daytona infield—-their alcohol consumption dictates that they’re never dry.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished a lap down in 18th in the Coke Zero 400. Kesekowski’s No. 2 Chevy was one of 25 cars affected by a lap 97 pile-up that forced a red flag.

    “I’m not sure who started that mess,” Keselowski said, “but I’d like to punch them. Hopefully, should I open up a can of whoop ass, somebody else will bleed, and not me.”

    5. Carl Edwards: Edwards found trouble early at Daytona, becoming one of several cars involved in a lap 20 wreck started when Roush Fenway teammate Ricky Stenhouse Jr. got loose. Edwards eventually finished 37th, 46 laps down.

    “Tony Stewart was not happy with Stenhouse,” Edwards said. “He called him an ‘idiot.’ Trust me, you don’t want to be in Tony Stewart’s doghouse. It’s way too crowded in there.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took 20th at Daytona in a race won by Aric Almirola’s No. 43 Richard Petty Motorsports car. Kenseth, still winless on the year, is fifth in the points standings, 71 out of first.

    “What a win for Almirola,” Kenseth said. “It’s always wide open when there’s a restrictor plate race. And when they say ‘anybody’ can win, what they really mean is a ‘nobody’ can win.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th in a crash-filled Coke Zero 400 that left only 17 cars on the lead lap. He is now sixth in the points standings, 105 out of first.

    “My teammate Brad Keselowski had the cut on his hand glued together,” Logano said. “And I believe it’s made him a better driver, because now he’s even more skilled at operating a ‘stick shift.’

    “My car was leaving a trail of debris late in the race. As a result, I was black-flagged. That’s similar to my dad being black-listed.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 28th after being collected in lap 97’s “Big One,” which involved no less than 25 cars and left Busch’s No. 18 Toyota upside down.

    “Jeremy Mayfield would call that a ‘roofie,’” Busch said, “or a ‘downer.’ Luckily, the tow truck was there quickly to turn me over. Mayfield would call that an ‘upper.’

    “It was certainly a wild ride, and reminded me of that fateful day in Iredell County, North Carolina back in May of 2011. In that case, it wasn’t the ‘Big One’ that forced me into the grass on the side of the road, but a State Trooper.”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola captured the rain-shortened Coke Zero 400, placing the No. 43 car in winner’s circle for the first time since 1999. The win came almost 30 years to the day of Richard Petty’s 200th and final NASCAR victory.

    “It was a great day for ‘The King,’” Almirola said. “And Prince, too, because we’re gonna party like it’s 1999.

    “I won $377,176 in prize money. I think I could win another weather-shortened race, or be a big-time player at the strip club, because with that kind of cash, you can really ‘make it rain.’”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick suffered damage in the first of two “Big Ones” in the Coke Zero 400. He eventually finished 39th after completing just 46 laps.

    “Haas Automation became an official sponsor of Ferrari’s Formula 1 through the 2015 season,” Harvick said. “Gene Haas is an astute business man, and the timing of this deal is perfect. Before forming a partnership with Ferrari’s ‘Prancing Horse,’ he got into business with Tony Stewart’s ‘Ranting Donkey.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished tenth in the Quaker State 400, posting his 12th top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Brad Keselowski cut his hand on a champagne bottle in Victory Lane,” Johnson said. “If Joey Logano is ‘Sliced Bread,’ then Keselowski has to be ‘Sliced Brad.’”

    2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished fifth at Kentucky, as Hendrick Motorsports placed three drivers in the top 10. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I’m impressed with Brad Keselowski’s performance,” Earnhardt said. “But there’s no way he could be a member of Junior Nation. If Brad can’t hold his champagne, he certainly can’t hold his liquor.”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon posted his series-best 13th top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Kentucky. He remained atop the points standings, and leads Hendrick teammates Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. by 24.

    “Jimmie Johnson visited the White House last Wednesday,” Gordon said, “where he was honored by President Obama as 2013 Sprint Cup champion. Jimmie asked Obama about the ‘secret service.’ Obama replied: ‘Has Chad Knaus been illegally working on your car again?’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at Kentucky, starting on the pole and leading 199 of 267 laps on the way to his second win of the season.

    “Kentucky is the home of horse racing,” Keselowski said. “On Saturday, though, it became the home of a ‘thorough-Brad.’ The No. 2 Miller Lite Chevrolet had plenty of speed for Kentucky Speedway. My car had the horsepower; I have the horse teeth.”

    5. Carl Edwards: One week after winning at Sonoma, Edwards finished a disappointing 17th in the Quaker State 400. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 82 out of first.

    “Greg Biffle is still working on a contract extension,” Edwards said. “Greg has to ask himself: ‘should I stay or should I go’? On that note, as far as teammates go, I always seem to ‘Clash’ with them.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth overcame a slow start to finish fourth in the Quaker State 400. It was his sixth top-five result of the year and he is now fifth in the points standings, 63 out of first.

    “I just signed a contract extension with Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “It was on Saturday, to be exact, but I’m not at liberty to reveal the financial details. So, as is the case with my season, it’s a matter of ‘Just when, baby.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth despite rising water temperatures that nearly compromised his engine. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 99 out of first.

    “Usually,” Logano said, “when I’m in hot water, it’s because of my father.

    “It was a great day for Penske Racing. Brad Keselowski won the pole and the race, then sliced his hand open on a champagne bottle celebrating the win. So, both he and Roger Penske were ‘gushing’ after the race.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won the Nationwide race in Sparta on Friday, then finished seventh in the Quaker State 400 on Saturday night. He is ninth in the points standings, 109 out of first.

    “How about TNT’s coverage of the race,” Harvick said. “Much like TNT, it ‘blows.’ And Kyle Petty’s analysis is lacking. Just like the sport of NASCAR itself, it needs more ‘color.’ In Petty’s book, ‘insight’ is saying ‘he’s just got to keep plugging along’ over and over.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch led 31 laps at Kentucky and lost the lead to Brad Keselowski with 20 laps to go. Busch finished second, and is now 10th in the points standings.

    “Keselowski was so much better than everyone else,” Busch said. “That was also the case in 2012 when he won here. At least at Kentucky Speedway, that Penske technology, much like a broken champagne bottle, was ‘cutting edge.’”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman scored his best finish of the year, speeding to a third in the Quaker State 400. He is now eighth in the points standings, 104 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Richard Childress Racing is still looking for our first win,” Newman said. “I’m sure Richard would love for Austin Dillon to be the first RCR victor this year. Then Richard can proudly say, ‘That’s grand, son.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, winner of three of the last four races, posted a seventh at Sonoma, his 11th top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 20 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I didn’t win,” Johnson said, “but my rivals are nervous nonetheless. Anytime you say ‘Jimmie Johnson’ and ‘seventh’ in the same sentence, people are intimidated, or should I say ‘inJimmiedated.”

    2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Two weeks after winning at Michigan, Earnhardt posted a third-place finish in the Toyota/SaveMart 350, as Hendrick Motorsports placed all four drivers in the top seven.

    “I have to apologize for wrecking Matt Kenseth,” Earnhardt said. “I’m pretty sure Matt will accept an apology. Why? Because he’s used to ‘taking’ it.”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished second to Carl Edwards at Sonoma, as Hendrick Motorsports five-race winning streak ended. Gordon leads the Sprint Cup points standings with a 20-point cushion on Jimmie Johnson.

    “’I let Edwards get away,’” Gordon said. “That’s my Jack Roush impression, not my take on the final lap at Sonoma.

    “You may have noticed our new sponsor, Panasonic, on the No. 24 car. For once, a driver can say he’s got an ‘electronic issue’ and it’s not a bad thing. Joe Gibbs may put Japanese in the car; Hendrick puts it on it.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead with 25 laps to go at Sonoma and held off Jeff Gordon to claim his first road course victory.

    “Roush Fenway was shut out at Michigan,” Edwards said. “Who would have thought we’d turn things around on a road course? But you can always count on Jack Roush to have something up his sleeve, except new contracts.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled in the Toyota SavMart 350, fighting handling issues all day on his way to a 22nd. He is fifth in the points standings, 68 out of first.

    “It was a tough day for the No. 2 Alliance Truck Parts Ford,” Keselowski said. “Sadly, though, we needed car parts, not truck parts.

    “The car’s handling was a nightmare. Nothing we tried worked. One of my pit crewmen made so many wedge adjustments, he developed a wrist injury. Aerodynamically, he’s fine, but he will need some carpal tunnel testing.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was wrecked on lap 74 when Dale Earnhardt, Jr. jumped a curb and rammed the back of Kenseth’s No. 20 Home Depot Toyota. Kenseth is currently fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 65 out of first.

    “When you’re surrounded by a pile of useless tires,” Kenseth said, “you know you’re in trouble, or Hoosier is your tire manufacturer.

    “We’re losing Home Depot as a sponsor at season’s end. I guess that makes them the ‘Away Depot.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 16th at Sonoma on a tough day for Penske Motorsports, as teammate Brad Keselowski managed only a 22nd. Logano is now seventh in the points standings, 97 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Our boss won’t be happy,” Logano said. “Ask him his opinion of our performance, and he certainly won’t ‘Roger’ that.

    “They say Sonoma is wine country, but they also drink beer in this road course haven. I think they make it from ‘wheel hops.’”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th at Sonoma after the No. 4 Stewart-Haas Chevy was collected when Clint Bowyer suffered a flat tire and stopped in the middle of the track.

    “I’m not surprised,” Harvick said. “From what I hear, ’parking’ is an issue at all NASCAR races.”

    9. Paul Menard: Menard finished fifth at Sonoma, posting his third top-five result of the year.

    “In the absence of Kevin Harvick,” Menard said, “I’ve taken over as a leader for Richard Childress Racing. And we haven’t missed a beat. That’s because we get ‘beat’ every week.”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th at Sonoma as Richard Childress Racing teammate Paul Menard took fifth. Newman is eighth in the points standings, 107 out of first.

    “Our highest finish this year is a seventh,” Newman said, “which we’ve accomplished three times. I’m not sure if we can win with this car. We lack the speed of the Hendrick engines. It says ‘Caterpillar’ on my car; it also says ‘Caterpillar’ on the speedometer.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took the win at Michigan, snatching his third win in the last four races. It was his first win at Michigan, and he is now second in the points standings.

    “That’s right,” Johnson said. “My first win at Michigan. And that just goes to show that you can’t underestimate my greatness—in one race, I scored two ‘firsts.’

    “It was a Happy Father’s Day, at least for me. And what a great way to celebrate, with a win. The congratulations have been overwhelming. It’s been ‘mad props’ for the ‘glad pops.’”

    2. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished seventh in the Quicken Loans 400, posting his tenth top-10 result of the year. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 23 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “You probably heard I left Ryan Newman at the airport,” Earnhardt said. “I call that ‘left behind,’ and so did Newman, when he told me to kiss a certain butt cheek.

    “By the way, Ryan’s phone has a new ring tone—Simple Minds’ ‘Don’t You Forget About Me.’”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started second at Michigan and led 36 laps on his way to a sixth at Michigan.

    “That’s five wins in a row for Hendrick Motorsports,” Gordon said, “and sixth on the year. NASCAR hasn’t seen a run of dominance like this since Tim Richmond’s S&M phase. Here are some interesting ratios: Three of four Hendrick drivers have won six of 15 races. And one of four Hendrick drivers is Kasey Kahne.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Michigan following two straight runner-up finishes, at Dover and Pocono. He is fifth in the points standings, 47 out of first.

    “I won in Las Vegas,” Keselowski said, “and haven’t won since. I guess it’s true what they say: ‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.’”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Still seeking his first win of the season, Kenseth finished 14th in the Quicken Loans 400.

    “I had seven wins last year,” Kenseth said, “and didn’t win the championship. By that rationale, I’m well on pace to win the Cup this year. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. As for now, my ‘Victory Circle’ is a zero.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano started ninth and finished ninth at Michigan, recording his eighth top-10 finish of the year. He moved up two spots in the points standings to seventh, 83 out of first.

    “I’d like to wish my dad a Happy Fathers’ Day,” Logano said. “I’m sure most people at the track feel the same about him as they do about Fathers’ Day—-they’re glad it only shows up only once a year.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Michigan and finished second to Jimmie Johnson. It was Harvick’s fourth runner-up this season, and left him quite irritable.

    “Some people say my frustration from four runner-up finishes this year is boiling over,” Harvick said. “Well, I would ‘second’ their opinion.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled at Michigan, finishing 23rd, one lap down, as Roush Fenway cars failed to crack the top 15. Edwards is now sixth in the points standings, 75 out of first.

    “We Roush Fenway drivers consider Michigan our home track,” Edwards said. “Ironically, our performance there leaves us home sick.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished eight at Michigan, posting his seventh top 10 of the year. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 83 out of first.

    “My girlfriend and I are expecting a child in December,” Larson said. “I’ll likely be NASCAR’s Rookie Of The Year and a father soon. So, as you’d expect for a young, up-and-coming superstar driver, things are happening ‘fast.’”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 15th in the Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, as Richard Childress Racing teammate Paul Menard took fourth.

    “I missed a flight to Michigan because Dale Earnhardt Jr. just forgot about me,” Newman said. “I called Junior and told him I was standing on the runway, waiting for my ride. That joker replied, ‘What are you doing? ‘Taxi-ing?’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: In search of his third straight win, Johnson finished sixth at Pocono despite an accident on pit road with Marcos Ambrose that left the No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet with right-side damage. Johnson now sits fourth in the points standings, 23 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “We failed at pulling off the ‘triple,’” Johnson said, “as did a certain horse. For this native of El Cajon, ‘California Chrome’ is what I call my trophy room. I’m a six-time Sprint Cup champion, so, in a sense, I’ve got two ‘triple crowns.’ That’s what is known as the ‘Jimmie Hat.’”

    2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt passed Brad Keselowski with five laps to go and won the Pocono 400. It was Earnhardt’s second win this season and first at Pocono’s 2.5 mile tri-oval. He is now third in the points standings, 22 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “What was that on Keselowski’s grill?” Earnhardt said. “I’ll tell you. The same thing that’s littering the infield of any NASCAR track—white trash.

    “Now, that’s a tough fate to befall a former Sprint Cup title winner. I guess that’s what you call a ‘paper’ champion.”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished eighth at Pocono and regained the Sprint Cup points lead as Matt Kenseth struggled to a 25th-place result. Gordon now leads Kenseth by 16 points.

    “That’s three straight wins for Hendrick Motorsports,” Gordon said, “and five total on the season. Some say Rick Hendrick’s deep pockets are the reason we’re so dominant. There may be some truth to that. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won because of a white piece of paper. But in most cases, a Hendrick win can be attributed to paper that is green.’”

    4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished a disappointing 25th in the Pocono 400 and remained winless on the year. He dropped out of the top spot in the points standings and is now in second, 16 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Pocono is just not one of my favorite tracks,” Kenseth said. “This ‘square’ doesn’t like triangles, and has a hard time finding ‘circles,’ namely ‘Victory.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano suffered his worst finish of the year, a 40th at Pocono, the result of engine failure with ten laps to go.

    “A hot dog wrapper? A grill?” Logano said. “Sounded like a perfect occasion for some Miller Lite. But it was not to be.

    “I’ll say it again. NASCAR is safer than the NFL. Why, you ask? Because men of color are just trying to break barriers, not other players.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led with five laps to go at Pocono, but lost the lead to Dale Earnhardt as Keselowski tried to clear a piece of debris from his grill. It was Keselowski’s second runner-up finish in a row, and left him fifth in the points standings, 50 out of first.

    “Done in by a piece of paper that surrounds a hot dog,” Keselowski said. “In the business, that’s called getting ‘Vanilla Iced,’ because we got served by a ‘white wrapper.’

    “I was trying to use Danica Patrick as a pick. Just call me ‘GoDaddy.com,’ because I was trying to exploit her.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards was collected in a late crash initiated when Kasey Kahne and Kyle Busch made contact. Edward’s day was done on lap 143, and he finished 41st. He is seventh in the points standings, 57 out of first.

    “Greg Biffle is set to sign an extension with Roush Fenway,” Edwards said. “Biffle’s never won a championship in his long tenure here. So, it’s no surprise he’s not ‘going places.’

    “Of course, my future here is a lot like a good back flip—up in the air. And speaking of ‘hang time,’ I don’t have any, because none of my teammates want to ‘hang’ with me.

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 14th at Pocono, as Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won, joining Harvick, Joey Logano, and Jimmie Johnson in the two-win club.

    “I can certainly empathize with Brad Keselowski,” Harvick said. “I too know what a worthless white piece of paper is. In my case, it was several—when I ripped up my Richard Childress Racing contract.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch came home 12th at Pocono, posting a solid finish despite making contact with Kasey Kahne on lap 142 and losing considerable track position. Busch is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 55 out of first.

    “Tough break there for Brad Keselowski,” Busch said. “If you’ve got trash all up in your grill, try some dental floss.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Pocono and brought home a fourth-place finish, leading the Joe Gibbs Racing charge. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 78 out of first.

    “Is Carl Edwards headed to Joe Gibbs Racing?” Hamlin said. “On the surface, it seems ‘Cousin Carl’ would be a great addition to the team. But, let’s face it, I’m not the only with who feels no amount of ‘kinship’ with Edwards.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson backed up his win at Charlotte with a dominant win in the FedEx 400 Benefitting Autism Speaks at Dover. Johnson led 272 of 500 laps for his second consecutive win, and guaranteed his spot in the Chase.

    “The race was delayed 20 minutes to repair a pothole,” Johnson said. “Interestingly enough, I ‘cemented’ my status as a Sprint Cup favorite.

    “That’s my ninth win at the Monster Mile. Obviously, that’s one monster that doesn’t scare me. I like to go fast at Dover. Forget Miles The Monster; I’m the ‘Boogie Man’ at Dover.”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon was strong early but faded late to finish 15th at Dover, only his fifth finish outside the top 10 this year. As a result, Gordon fell from the top of the Sprint Cup points standings, and now trails Matt Kenseth by two.

    “What a run by Jimmie Johnson,” Gordon said. “He already had the Dover record with eight wins; now it’s nine. That’s even more than what we’ve come to expect from Jimmie at the Monster Mile. I guess that’s what you call ‘Dover-achieving.’”

    “How about that loose piece of track in the Monster Mile track? It really took a chunk out of Jamie McMurray’s car. I’ve heard of tires having ‘bite;’ this time the track did.”

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth, still in search of his first win of the season, finished third at Dover, earning his series-best tenth top 10 of the year. He assumed the lead in the points standings, and now holds a two-point edge over Jeff Gordon.

    “Sure, we’re disappointed we didn’t win,” Kenseth said. “But that was my third consecutive third-place finish, so our attitude is still upbeat and optimistic. And that’s the morale of the story.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Dover, his seventh top 10 of the year, as Penske teammate Brad Keselowski took the runner-up spot behind Jimmie Johnson. Logano is now sixth in the points standings, 49 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “It was a great weekend for Roger Penske,” Logano said. “In addition to our top-10 finishes, Helio Castroneves and Will Power finished 1-2 in Sunday’s Indy Dual In Detroit. Most owners drive themselves crazy in search of the kind of success Roger Penske enjoys. So, while Helio is climbing the fence, competing car owners are climbing the walls.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt claimed ninth at Dover, posting his ninth top-10 finish of the year. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 34 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “After winning the Daytona 500,” Earnhardt said, “I’m winless in the last 12 races. That pales in comparison to a 55-race winless streak or a 143-race winless streak. And speaking of ‘pails,’I have a bucket list that’s yet to be completed.

    “You’ve probably heard about my race car graveyard. Unfortunately, it’s not open to the public. In other words, it’s a lot like my Sprint Cup championship—no one can see it.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 14th at Dover as Roush Fenway Racing failed to place a car in the top 10. Edwards is currently third in the points standings, 25 out of first.

    “I’m 25 points behind my former teammate Matt Kenseth,” Edwards said. “Once, I had an ‘arm up’ on him; now, he’s got a leg up on me.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick suffered a flat tire while leading on lap 166 and lost two laps, eventually finishing 17th at Dover, one lap down.

    “I’m not sure what caused the flat tire,” Harvick said, “but I’m guessing a piece of the track was the culprit. Do I know this for sure? No, but nevertheless, I have ‘concrete’ evidence.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch’s bid for the Trucks, Nationwide, and Sprint Cup sweep at Dover ended when he slammed the wall on lap 124. Busch was done for the day and finished 42nd.

    “Clint Bowyer just ran me into the wall,” Busch said. “So I chased him around the track. Don’t believe me? Check the race results. You’ll see next to Bowyer’s name, it has ‘running.’

    “I understand Bowyer’s spotter was at fault. So, maybe I jumped the gun a bit when I told Clint to ‘watch where he’s going.’”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Dover and finished second, as Penske teammate Joey Logano took eighth. Keselowski is eighth in the points standings, 59 out of first.

    “I think NASCAR officials did a pretty good job repairing the pothole at Dover,” Keselowski said. “But I think they may have put a little too much cement in the hole. And the No. 2 Miller Lite car agrees when it says ‘less filling.’”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took two tires during the final caution at Dover and powered to a fifth-place finish, his first top 5 since winning at Talladega. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 84 behind Matt Kenseth,

    “I was the only Joe Gibbs driver who wasn’t ran into by Clint Bowyer,” Hamlin said. “Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? Yes, there is. Don’t say this to Clint: ‘Go ahead. Make my day worse.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon overcame back spasms to post a seventh in the Coca Cola 600 at Charlotte. He remains atop the Sprint Cup points standings, 11 ahead of Matt Kenseth.

    “Back problems have been an ongoing issue for me,” Gordon said, “as has the quest to win my fifth Cup championship. That’s why the latter part of my career can be described as ‘back and fourth.’

    “We had Regan Smith on standby just in case I couldn’t go. Turns out, we didn’t need him, which certainly isn’t the first time Regan’s heard that.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started on the pole and led a race-high 164 on his way to the win in the Coca-Cola 600. It was Johnson’s first win of the year, and all but ensured his chance to defend his Sprint Cup championship.

    “The No. 48 Chevrolet with the special Memorial Day paint scheme was awesome,” Johnson said. “Matt Kenseth was no match for me. You could say I ‘red, white, and blew’ right past him.

    “You’ve probably heard that I completed a triathlon last Saturday. I’m proud to call myself a ‘triathlete.’ The great Tim Richmond was NASCAR’s original triathlete, because he’d ‘tri’ anything.

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth held the lead on the final restart but was easily passed by Jimmie Johnson, who went on for his first victory of the year. Kenseth eventually finished third, and is second in the points standings, 11 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Johnson went by me like I wasn’t even there,” Kenseth said. “I could say the same about most NASCAR fans. I may be the most unrecognizable athlete in professional sports today.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished two laps down in 19th at Charlotte after engines problems soured his day. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 38 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I raced Charles Barkley head-to-head a couple of weeks ago,” Earnhardt said. “Charles can really drive. The last time he went that fast, there was a prostitute waiting on him. Where was she waiting, you ask? Well, let’s just say Sir Charles’ car is good at ‘cornering.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 100 laps and finished second at Charlotte to Jimmie Johnson. Harvick was going for his third win this season, but couldn’t chase down Johnson.

    “Where’s one of those phantom cautions when you need one?” Harvick said. “I guess that’s what happens on Memorial Day weekend—there’s plenty of red, white, and blue flags, but no yellow.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his third top-five finish of the year with a fourth in the Coca-Cola 600. He is third in the points standings, 24 out of first.

    “Trevor Bayne’s joining the Roush Fenway Racing family in 2015,” Edwards said. “That means a current driver at Roush is likely to say goodbye. Could that be me? If it is, I guess you could call me ‘Cousin It.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 12th at Charlotte as Penske teammate Brad Keselowski finished tenth. Logano is now sixth in the points, 54 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “What a run by Kurt Busch at Indianapolis,” Logano said. “And what a run by race winner Ryan Hunter-Reay. Not only does he lead the Indy Car points standings, he’s the most sought-after driver on the talk show circuit now. I guess that’s what happens when the Hunter becomes the hunted.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished ninth at Charlotte, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year. He is now third in the points standings, 24 out of first.

    “My brother Kurt didn’t complete the Indianapolis-Charlotte ‘double,’” Busch said, “but he did finish sixth. I think all NASCAR drivers would agree that’s an incredible accomplishment. And I’m sure all NASCAR drivers would agree Kurt should become a full-time open-wheel driver.”

    9. Brian Vickers: Vickers finished sixth in the Coca-Cola 600, earning his second straight top-10 and fifth of the year. He is now eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 67 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “It’s great driving for Michael Waltrip,” Vickers said. “And it’s great driving the Aaron’s Dream Machine. I like to think my alter ego, who’s a fierce competitor talented enough to contend for the Cup, would drive a car called the ‘Rude Awakening.’ Here’s to dreaming.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s attempt at fuel mileage strategy was derailed by a late-race pit stop for a right-wheel vibration. Still, the driver of the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford finished tenth, his fifth top-10 of the year, and is now ninth in the points standings, 71 out of first.

    “We just didn’t get the wheel on tight enough,” Keselowski said. “If that would have happened to the No. 48 car, it would have been called a ‘Shimmy Johnson.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took the lead with eight laps to go and held off the hard-changing Kevin Harvick to take the checkered flag at Kansas. It was Gordon’s first win this season and third career win at Kansas Speedway.

    “My pit crew really came through with a great stop,” Gordon said. “In this sport, it’s all about the ‘seconds.’ Just ask Mark Martin.

    “Winning a race is a weight off my shoulders. Now, I’ve got to take that wait off my shoulders, because it’s been 13 years since my last Cup title.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano took third in the 5-Hour Energy 400, posting his sixth top-five of the year. He is sixth in the points standings, 48 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “The lights went out on the backstretch during the race,” Logano said. “I guess NASCAR’s “Drive For Diversity” program is working, because it just got darker.”

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 10th at Kansas, the best finish among Toyota drivers. Kenseth is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 15 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I didn’t see the light,” Kenseth said. “And, I also didn’t see the ‘Lite.’ That’s because Brad Keselowski was driving the No. 2 car with the Würth paint scheme. If you’ll notice, in the word ‘Würth,’ there are two dots over the ‘u.’ On a related note, I’d like to give Keselowski two dots in his ‘i.’”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt posted his sixth top-five finish with a fifth at Kansas as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon took the win. Earnhardt is fourth in the points standings, 26 out of first.

    “Another problem with the lights for NASCAR,” Earnhardt said. “I guess this gives new meaning to the term ‘night racing.’ But let’s not be too alarmed. There are hundreds of blackouts in every NASCAR race, most in the infield, and nearly all involving fans of Junior Nation.”

    5. Carl Edwards: Edwards led six laps and finished sixth in the 5-Hour Energy 500 at Kansas. He moved up one spot to fifth in the points standings, and trails Jeff Gordon by 27.

    “After the lights went out,” Edwards said, “NASCAR officials asked the drivers if they could see well enough to continue. You could say, for once, that NASCAR started on the ‘poll.’”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 15th at Kansas, as Matt Kenseth was the top Joe Gibbs Racing finisher, in 10th. Busch is still third in the points standings, 21 out of first.

    “Despite driving the No. 18 Snickers car,” Busch said, “I’m not satisfied.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led 24 laps at Kansas, but was no match for the faster cars of Jeff Gordon and Kevin Harvick. He faded to ninth at the finish, and remains winless on the season.

    “I heard Danica Patrick got a big thrill passing me,” Johnson said. “Give her a pat on the back. Usually, when Danica passes a Sprint Cup champion, the only thing back is her lap.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 119 laps, but was beaten out of the pits on the final caution by Jeff Gordon. Harvick couldn’t catch Gordon down the stretch and settled for second.

    “We just didn’t get it done on the pit stop,” Harvick said. “It’s one thing to get caught speeding on pit lane; it’s another to get caught ‘sleeping.’”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th in the 5-Hour Energy 400 at Kansas, just missing out on his fourth top-10 result of the year. He is, however, in the top 10 in the points, in eighth, 62 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Clint Bowyer’s mother gave the command to start the engines,” Newman said. “She really gave it a nice personal touch. You could say she put her own ‘spin’ on it.”

    10. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 16th at Kansas in the No. 16 Roush Fenway Racing Toyota. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 66 out of first.

    “It was an eventful race,” Biffle said. “Between the threat of storms, cars on fire, and malfunctioning lights, NASCAR is probably saying ‘Glad we’re not in Kansas anymore.”