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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson clinched his sixth Sprint Cup championship, and first in two years, with a ninth at Homestead. He finished the season 19 points ahead of Matt Kenseth.

    “That’s Cup number six,” Johnson said. “Now it takes two hands to indicate my championships. That makes me a second-hand champion, and that’s something everyone needs to get ‘used’ to.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Homestead and finished second, as Jimmie Johnson clinched the Sprint Cup championship. Kenseth finished second in the standings, 19 points back.

    “We gave it our all,” Kenseth said, “but that wasn’t enough. And it’s painful. But, all in all, it was a successful year for Joe Gibbs Racing. Still, JGR gently weeps.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: In his last race for Richard Childress Racing, Harvick took tenth in the Ford EcoBoost 400. He finished third in the points standings, 34 out of first.

    “Like Kurt Busch, I’m off to drive for Tony Stewart,” Harvick said. “I expect a smooth transition from RCR to Stewart Haas. Why? Because with Busch as a teammate, I already want to leave.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished third at Homestead, posting his tenth top-5 result of the year. He completed the year fifth in the points, 56 behind Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jimmie Johnson.

    “I was awesome over the last five races,” Earnhardt said. “In fact, I scored more points over the final five Chase races than Johnson and Matt Kenseth. Unlike me, Johnson can look back fondly on the ‘first five.’”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh in the Ford EcoBoost 400, scoring his 22nd top-10 result of the year. He finished the season fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 55 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I’m happy to have a respectable Chase finish,” Busch said. “But this championship is all about Jimmie Johnson. Six Cups is historic. Based on his driving, Jimmie deserves a statue. Based on his personality, he is a statue.”

    6. Jeff Gordon: Gordon, who won last year at Homestead, took 11th on Sunday, just missing his 18th top 10 of the year. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 82 out of first.

    “Jimmie Johnson raised the championship trophy for the sixth time,” Gordon said. “I guess you could say, ‘The world is his hoister.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano, in the No. 22 Penske Ford, finished eighth at Homestead. He finished eighth in the points standings, 96 out of first.

    “My friends call me ‘Sliced Bread,’” Logano said. “My enemies call me ‘Slight Build,’ probably because I’m no threat, to them or the Sprint Cup championship.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Saturday’s Nationwide Ford EcoBoost 300 and finished sixth in Sunday’s Ford EcoBoost 400. Jimmie Johnson clinched the Sprint Cup title as Keselowski’s one-year reign as champion came to an end.

    “This year gave me very little to shout about,” Keselowski said, “and even less to tweet about. But I’m still one of NASCAR’s most individualistic drivers. Hopefully, when all is said and done, they won’t be calling me the ‘one and only’ because of my single Sprint Cup title.”

    9. Greg Biffle: Biffle struggled with handling issues and came home 24th at Homestead, finishing ninth in the points standings, the highest among Roush Fenway Racing drivers.

    “I’m of good mind to give Jimmie Johnson a piece of my mind,” Biffle said. “Maybe that way, he’ll give me a piece of his, and I can finally say I have the mindset of a champion.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth in the Ford EcoBoost 400 at Homestead. He finished seventh in the points standings, 83behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Did you see Johnson’s victory burnout?” Bowyer said. “It was impressive, but didn’t produce anything like the smokescreen I made with my spin at Richmond.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started on the pole and finished third in the AdvoCare 500, well ahead of Matt Kenseth, who struggled and finished 23rd. Johnson has a 28-point lead heading into Homestead, and needs only a finish of 23rd or better to clinch the Cup.

    “Anything can happen at Homestead,” Johnson said. “But I’d prefer that nothing happen.

    “I’m close to my sixth Cup title, which would place me only one behind Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt. My goal is to be mentioned in the same sentence with ‘The King’ and ‘The Intimidator,’ and I don’t see anything stopping me, except a cool nickname.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 23rd on a disastrous day at Phoenix, handicapped by a car that proved unresponsive to adjustments. He started the day seven points behind Jimmie Johnson, and finished in a 28-point hole.

    “I won my first Cup championship ten years ago,” Kenseth said. “Likewise, my second Cup championship is history, also.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won at Phoenix, recording his fourth win of the year in his next-to-last race with Richard Childress Racing. He is third in the points standings, 34 out of first.

    “This may be my last victory burnout,” Harvick said. “And speaking of ‘burnout,’ I am so ready to leave RCR. When you combine nepotism with narcissism, you get RCR. There’s no ‘I’ in team, and trust me, there’s no ‘me’ in that team.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt continued his strong finish to the Chase with a fourth in the Advocare 500, his fourth-consecutive top 10 and seventh of the Chase. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 63 out of first.

    “It’s important to build momentum for next year,” Earnhardt said. “And we have. So, contrary to the fans of Junior Nation, who have a habit of saying ‘Wait ‘til next year,’ I can’t wait ‘til next year.”

    5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon bounced back from a difficult Sunday at Texas with a solid 14th at Phoenix. He is sixth in the points standings, 80 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Jimmie Johnson may be leading the points,” Gordon said, “but I’m looking over my shoulder, as well. Is Clint Bowyer behind me?”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh in the AdvoCare 500, posting his 21st top-10 result of the year. He is currently fourth in the points standings, 57 out of first.

    “On a more positive note,” Busch said, “I won my 12th Nationwide race of the season on Saturday. My civilian driving record says I’m not a ‘Sunday driver,’ and, apparently, so does my Sprint Cup driving record.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 27 laps and finished 12th in the AdvoCare 500.

    “Sadly, this just wasn’t the year for the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford,” Keselowski said. “Thus, my championship reign is ending at one year. It seems it was ‘2’ time only one time.”

    8. Greg Biffle: Biffle took 13th at Phoenix on a day when Jimmie Johnson all but clinched the Sprint Cup championship. Biffle is now seventh in the points standings, 83 out of first.

    “I plan to confront Johnson again,” Biffle said, “and ask him, ‘What’s your problem?’ If he responds, ‘I got 99 problems, but a ‘Biff’ ain’t one,’ then he’s officially the greatest driver of all time.”

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 20th at Phoenix, another disappointing result in the Chase For The Cup. Bowyer has only two top-5 finishes in the Chase.

    “The race was called the ‘AdvoCare 500,’” Bowyer said, “but not by everyone. To me, it was the ‘I Don’t Care 500.’”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano scored another top-10 finish with a ninth at Phoenix. He is ninth in the points standings, 97 out of first.

    “I almost took out Jimmie Johnson on the first lap,” Logano said. “But I didn’t, and that’s too bad, because I really wanted to have an impact on the Chase.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led 255 of 334 laps in a dominant win at Texas, his sixth win of the year. Johnson now leads Matt Kenseth, who finished fourth, by seven points in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I had the same seven-point lead after Texas last November,” Johnson said, “and didn’t win the championship. I’m hoping this is one time when I don’t repeat.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fourth in the AAA Texas 500, slowed by a pit road speeding penalty midway through the race. Jimmie Johnson won and took a seven-point lead in the points standings.

    “I’m neither throwing in the towel,” Kenseth said, “nor am I waving the white flag. Ask anyone, except Carl Edwards, and they’ll tell you there’s no surrender in me.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt took the runner-up spot at Texas, following Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson across the line. It was Earnhardt’s third second-place finish of the Chase.

    “There have been a lot of great drivers who have never won a Cup,” Earnhardt said. “Hopefully, I can put myself in that category some day.”

    4. Jeff Gordon: One week after victory at Martinsville, disaster struck for Gordon at Texas, as a blown tire on lap 74 sent him into the wall. He eventually finished 38th, 187 laps down, and tumbled to sixth in the points, 69 out of first.

    “Are you sure this is the AAA 500 and not the NRA 500?” Gordon said. “Because my championship hopes are ‘shot.’”

    5 .Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Texas and is now third in the points standings, 40 out of first.

    “Will I be happier at Stewart-Haas Racing?” Harvick said. “Well, as Richard Childress has clearly stated, it’s all relative.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home tenth in the AAA Texas 500, posting his 18th top 10 of the year. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 69 out of first.

    “This race in Texas wasn’t sponsored by the NRA,” Bowyer said. “In hindsight, maybe the race in Richmond should have been sponsored by the NRA, because there was a second amendment made to the Chase field afterwards.”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch, who won at Texas in April, finished 13th on Sunday in the AAA 500. Like many drivers, Busch’s day was hindered by a blown tire suffered early in the race.

    “The blown tire put me in a hole early,” Busch said. “I felt much like a North Carolina state trooper chasing me, because I was playing catch up.”

    8. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 12th at Texas, leading one lap after starting 18th. He is eighth in the points standings, 73 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I apologized to Johnson for my actions at Martinsville,” Biffle said. “It was only the second most controversial ‘spin’ move in NASCAR this year. Maybe I shouldn’t have grabbed Jimmie from behind, but that’s where I always seem to find myself.”

    9. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the AAA Texas 500, posting his first top-5 result since a fourth at Kansas in early October.

    “It felt good to run with the big dogs,” Logano said, “instead of from them.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 30 laps and finished sixth in the AAA Texas 500 at Texas, one day after winning the Nationwide Series race.

    “I may not repeat as champion,” Keselowski said, “but the future is bright for this 29-year-old. I see nothing but clear, sunny skies ahead, because the ‘reign’ is over.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 202 laps at Martinsville and finished second, unable to keep eventual winner Jeff Gordon at bay over the closing laps. Kenseth’s runner-up finish forged a tie in the points standings with Jimmie Johnson.

    “While I’m thrilled to be knotted atop the points standings with Johnson,” Kenseth said, “Johnson isn’t. In other words, Jimmie’s fit to be tied.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fifth at Martinsville, three spots behind Matt Kenseth, as Hendrick teammate Jeff Gordon took the win. Kenseth and Johnson sit tied atop the points standings, 27 ahead of Gordon.

    “While Greg Biffle confronted me,” Johnson said, “Kenseth in-fronted me. If only Kenseth were as easy to handle as Greg Biffle, you could hand me the Cup right now.”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon won for the first time this season, capturing the Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500 at Martinsville and vaulting from fifth to third in the Sprint Cup points standings. He trails Jimmie Johnson and Matt Kenseth by 27.

    “I put myself back in the Cup picture,” Gordon said. “Unfortunately, when I try to imagine myself as 2013 Sprint Cup champion, I just can’t ‘picture’ it.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth in the Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500 at Martisville. He is fourth in the points standings. 28 out of first.

    “If you saw the Trucks race,” Harvick said, “you know I have a problem with drivers who have been ‘grandfathered in.’ Now you know why I’m leaving Richard Childress Racing. Those kids don’t know what they’re ‘Dillon’ with.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took third at Martinsville, posting his ninth top-5 result of the year. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 55 out of the lead.

    “The 5-Hour Energy car finished third in the Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500,” Bowyer said. “It seems that Goody’s has taken 5-Hour Energy’s concept and used it to their advantage. You could say they’ve put a ‘new spin’ on shots.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt came home eighth at Martinsville as Hendrick Motorsports placed three drivers in the top 10, led by Jeff Gordon’s first win of the year. Earnhardt is seventh in the points standings, 56 out of first.

    “Army National Guard renewed their sponsorship of the No. 88 car,” Earnhardt said. “As you know, the fans of Junior Nation love the ‘armed services,’ especially if that arm is handing them a beverage.”

    7. Kyle Busch: After two fifth-place finishes in his last two races, Busch finished a disappointing 15th at Martinsville. He is fifth in the points standings, 36 out of first.

    “How about Darrell Wallace becoming only the second black driver to win a NASCAR-sanctioned race?” said Busch. “Now, NASCAR’s Drive For Diversity has a new slogan celebrating black heritage in NASCAR. It’s called ‘What A Race!’”

    8. Greg Biffle: Biffle started 33rd and finished ninth at Martinsville. He is eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

    “I made like my rear bumper,” Biffle said, “and got all up in Jimmie Johnson’s grill.

    9. Brad Keselowski: After struggling at Talladega, Keselowski finished fourth at Martinsville, one of only two Fords in the top 10.

    “All this controversy at Martinsville,” Keselowski said, “and none of it involves me. Once again, I’ve been ‘left out.’”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 12th at Martinsville and is now tenth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 76 out of first.

    “Greg Biffle obviously needs a course in confrontation etiquette,” Edwards said. “And I’m the man to do it. Of all people, I’m the one that knows how to teach a teammate a lesson.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth survived to finish 20th at Talladega, seven spots behind Jimmie Johnson. Kenseth’s four point lead became a four point deficit to Jimmie Johnson in the standings.

    “I drove like I was expecting the ‘big one,’” Kenseth said, “and it never came. So the fans weren’t the only ones upset that there wasn’t a big crash. I guess I should have been more aggressive. If I’ve been faulted for being anything, it’s too ‘laid back.’”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 13th in the Camping World RV Sales 500 at Talladega, leading a race-high 47 laps to earn two crucial bonus points. He took over the lead in the points, and holds a four-point edge over Matt Kenseth.

    “I was playing ‘catch’ with points-leader Kenseth,” Johnson said, “and I ‘overthrew’ him.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick, in the No. 29 Jimmy Johns Chevrolet, took 12th at Talladega and is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, tied with Kyle Busch 26 points out of first.

    “This is the only way I can possibly share space with Kyle Busch,” Harvick said.

    “That was one of the least exciting Talladega races, despite the fact that cars were topping out at near 200 miles per hour. I guess that’s why they call it ‘full bore.’”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch posted his second consecutive top-5 finish, taking fifth at Talladega. He is tied for third in the points standings, 26 out of first.

    “I’m back in the championship hunt,” Busch said. “But if I don’t have a good finish at Martinsville, I’ll likely be done. The last time I was ‘officially eliminated,’ I was taken off the road by a state trooper in North Carolina.”

    5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led 19 laps at Talladega and finished 14th at Talladega, rendering unable to make up ground in the Sprint Cup points standings. He is now fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 34 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Jimmie’s got the lead,” Gordon said. “Let’s see if he can hold it. With Martinsville up next, history says he can. He’s won eight races there, rewarded with a grandfather clock for each victory. It’s just further proof that the 5-time Cup champ’s greatness is measure in ‘times.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch came home 18th at Talladega and is now ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 61 out of first.

    “We had Wonder Bread on the No. 78 Chevrolet,” Busch said. “As if you needed more proof that I’m as white bread as they come.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished tenth at Talladega, his first top-10 finish since a tenth at Dover. He is eighth in the points standings, 57 out of first.

    “Kudos to 5-Hour Energy for their contribution to NASCAR,” Bowyer said. “Like its name states, 5-Hour Energy will stay with you for awhile, which is more than I can say about some of Michael Waltrip’s other sponsors.”

    8. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 11th in the Roush Fenway Racing No. 16 Ford, while teammate Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. took third. Biffle is seventh in the points standings, 53 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “That was a great run by Stenhouse,” Biffle said. “He finished 30 places better than his girlfriend Danica Patrick. Contrary to popular belief, Danica is the one who is ‘whipped.’”

    9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Running second on the final lap, Earnhardt’s bid for victory at Talladega ended when the caution flew on the final lap, allowing Jamie McMurray to coast to victory. Earnhardt’s second was the best result among Chase drivers, and moved him up to sixth in the points standings.

    “I’ve made second a habit at Talladega,” Earnhardt said. “And speaking of ‘habits,’ I’ve got as many wins this year as that lady wearing the habit—none.”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman started 17th and finished ninth at Talladega, earning his 16th top 10 of the year.

    “That was the most incident-free race at Talladega I’ve ever seen,” Newman said. “Take it from me, that race was turned upside down.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished third in the Bank Of America 500, one spot ahead of Jimmie Johnson, and extended his lead from three to four in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “There’s one person I want to keep at arm’s length,” Kenseth said, “and that’s Johnson. Everyone else doesn’t matter, except for Carl Edwards, who needs to stay two arm lengths away.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson faltered on the race’s final restart and fell to seventh before charging for a fourth-place finish. He now trails Matt Kenseth by four in the points standings.

    “I feel like I may have given one away there,” Johnson said. “Restarts have troubled me all year. And restarts mean I have to re-finish. And clearly, as a two-year title drought would suggest, I don’t finish like I used to.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Charlotte, posting his third-straight top-10 result. He is 29 behind Matt Kenseth in the points standings.

    “I’d like to say I still have a chance to win the Cup,” Harvick said, “but the facts don’t support that. You could say I don’t have a leg to stand on. And you can say the opposite about Tony Stewart.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth at Charlotte as arch-nemesis Brad Keselowski won the Bank Of America 500. Busch is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 37 out of first.

    “I guess I’m more like Keselowski than I would care to mention,” Busch said. “Apparently, we’re both stupid, and neither of us has a chance to win the Cup.”

    5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon won the pole on Thursday and took seventh in the Bank Of America 500. He has five top-10 finishes in six Chase races, and is fourth in the points, 36 out of first.

    “Talladega next on the schedule,” Gordon said, “and anything can happen. Usually, when I ask for a miracle, I try to speak to God. Nowadays, it’s a little easier—I just talk to Clint Bowyer.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch posted a 14th in the No. 78 Furniture Row Racing Chevrolet at Charlotte, and is seventh in the points standings, 59 out of first.

    “I don’t condone my brother Kyle’s characterization of Brad Keselowski as ‘stupid,’” Busch said. “Kyle obviously thinks he’s advocating NASCAR’s ‘Drive For Diversity’ when he, as the pot, calls the kettle ‘black.’”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th in the Bank Of America 500 and improved one spot in the points standings to eighth. He trails Matt Kenseth by 63.

    “Things could get very interesting at Talladega,” Bowyer said. “Not as interesting as things got in Richmond, but interesting nonetheless.

    “Because of NAPA’s pulled sponsorship, Michael Waltrip Racing will run only two full-time teams in Sprint Cup next year. Michael tried his best to do more, but sometimes, you just aren’t able to manipulate the outcome.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recovered from trouble in the pits to win for the first time this year, taking the Bank Of America 500 at Charlotte.

    “I made a full lap with the jack stuck under my car,” Keselowski said. “That’s the least I can do. I simply returned the favor—that jack’s been giving me lifts all tear.

    “And speaking of ‘jacks,’ Kyle Busch is a lot like a jack, in that there’s always a ‘let down.’”

    9. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 16th at Charlotte, and is now sixth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

    “There will be an NCAA football game at Bristol Motor Speedway in 2016,” Biffle said. “It will likely be the most passing ever seen at a NASCAR track.”

    10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 15th at Charlotte, one lap down. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup power rankings, 66 out of first.

    “I’m ready for Talladega,” Earnhardt said, “and so are the fans of Junior Nation. They go absolutely crazy in the ‘Dega infield. So crazy, in fact, that they’re known as the ‘Infield-els.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 11th at Kansas and maintained the lead in the Sprint Cup points standings. He leads Jimmie Johnson by three.

    “Believe it or not,” Kenseth said, “having my points lead sliced wasn’t my biggest ‘slide’ of the day. That Kansas track is slick! My teammate Kyle Busch had so many spins, even Clint Bowyer was impressed.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth at Kansas, five places ahead of Matt Kenseth. He trimmed Kenseth’s lead in the Sprint Cup points standings from eight to three.

    “Kenseth certainly feels the pressure,” Johnson said. “He’s hanging on to the points lead by a thread. And we all know you can’t have a noose without first a thread.

    “It’s very fitting that we’re leaving the Hollywood Casino 400 in a very tight race for the Cup, because for those who thought Kenseth was running away with the championship, all bets are off.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated the early stages of the Hollywood Casino 400 and led 138 of 267 laps on his way to the win, his third of the year. He is now third in the points standings, 25 out of first.

    “After months of talking about going to Stewart-Haas Racing,” Harvick said, “I finally ‘made a move.’”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch had all kinds of trouble at Kansas, spinning several times until ultimately ending his day after slamming the wall with 68 laps to go. He is now fourth in the points standings, 35 out of first.

    “I couldn’t keep the tires on the track,” Busch said. “There was nothing ‘Hollywood’ about my performance, mainly because I was lacking ‘key grip.’ As they say, ‘M&M’s don’t melt in my hands, but my steering wheel does.”

    5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took third in the Hollywood Casino 400 as Kevin Harvick took the win. Gordon is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 32 out of first.

    “I had a cordial discussion with Kurt Busch after the race,” Gordon said. “I gave him an earful, which was quite difficult, because cosmetic surgery left Kurt with less than a full ear.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his best finish of the Chase, taking second behind Kevin Harvick at Kansas. He is seventh in the point standings, 47 out of first.

    “Kyle entered Sunday’s race only 14 points out of the lead,” Kurt Busch said. “He left 35 out of the lead. I guess he gives new meaning to the term ‘backup’ car.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at Kansas, the top Ford finisher in the Hollywood Casino 400. He is tenth in the points standings, 59 out of first.

    “Brad Keselowski signed an extension through 2017 to remain with Penske Racing,” Logano said. “In related news, Keselowski said he ‘deal with’ Kyle Busch later.”

    8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished eighth in the Hollywood Casino 400, nabbing his 17th top 10 of the year. He is eighth in the points standings, 54 out of first.

    “Danica Patrick was out of the race in a hurry,” Earnhardt said. “Apparently, ‘Go’ time came early on Sunday.

    “As you’ve probably heard, Danica and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. star in a Colt Ford country music video for his song, ‘Drivin’ Around Song.’ Rumor has it that the tune samples Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall.’”

    9. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 13th at Kansas and is sixth in the points standings, 44 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “I’ve fallen so far behind in the points,” Biffle said, “Tony Stewart will probably ‘recover’ before I do.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Kansas native Bowyer came home 14th in the Hollywood Casino 400, and is now ninth in the points standings, 55 out of first.

    “I’m not sure where this Hollywood Casino is,” Bowyer said, “but I’d sure like to find the roulette wheel and take it for a ‘spin.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 7th at Dover, failing in his quest to become the first driver to win the first three Chase For The Cup races. Kenseth leads Jimmie Johnson by eight points in the standings.

    “The No. 20 Toyota sported the ‘Let’s Do This’ logo at Dover,” Kenseth said. “That’s opposed to Clint Bowyer’s No. 15, which read ‘I Did This.’”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson captured a big win at Dover, taking the AAA 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing rivals Matt Kenseth and Kyle Busch finished 7th and 5th, respectively. Johnson trails Kenseth by eight in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “Kenseth won’t have this championship handed to him on a silver platter,” Johnson said. “Why? Because that platter is full, because I just served notice on it.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch led 30 laps and finished fifth at Dover, posting his 14th top 5 of the year. He is third in the point standings, 12 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “I’m tired of playing second fiddle to Kenseth,” Busch said. “I’m used to being called a ‘tool,’ not an ‘instrument.’

    4. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished fourth at Dover as Hendrick Motorsports took three of the top four spots, with Jimmie Johnson winning. Gordon is fifth in the points standings, 39 out of first.

    “I’d say I’m doing pretty good,” Gordon said, “considering I was a wild-wild card addition to the Chase.

    “My odds are slim and my chances are fat. It appears that for my fifth Sprint Cup championship, the ‘wait’ is on.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth in the AAA 400 at Dover, recording his 15th top 10 of the year. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 39 out of first.

    “Matt Kenseth, Jimmie Johnson, and Kyle Busch are slugging it out at the top,” Harvick said, “while I’m merely an afterthought. I, along with others, am what you call a ‘sleeper.’ That’s because if I win the Cup, someone will have to wake me up, because I was obviously dreaming.”

    6. Greg Biffle: Biffle took ninth at Dover, the top finisher among Roush Fenway Racing drivers. He is sixth in the point standings, 41 out of first.

    “I heard Clint Bowyer did yoga before Sunday’s race,” Biffle said. “Ironically, I find myself in a similar position, because it’s a ‘stretch’ to believe either one of us has a chance to win the Cup.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 10th in the AAA 400 after starting 23rd and leading one lap. He is eighth in the points standings, 51 out of first.

    “Luckily,” Bowyer said, “5-Hour Energy will remain as the primary sponsor of the No. 15 car. I guess I talked them in to staying. You could say I put a positive ‘spin’ on the situation.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 21st in the AAA 400, three laps off the pace. He is now ninth in the points standings, 55 out of first.

    “We had four new pit crew members at Dover,” Busch said. “You could say Furniture Row Racing ‘benched’ some guys. It didn’t seem to make much of a difference, though, because our chances to win the Cup have been put to bed.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished eighth at Dover and is now seventh in the points standings, 48 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “Quicken Loans is following me to Richard Childress Racing,” Newman said. “Unlike Stewart-Haas Racing, they didn’t leave me hanging.”

    10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt started on the pole and finished second to Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson at Dover. He is tenth in the points standings, behind Matt Kenseth.

    “I won the pole with a record lap at Dover,” Earnhardt said. “It was a historic moment for Junior Nation, because they had good reason to do a pole dance and a lap dance.

    “I thought my four tires would catch Johnson’s two. Four is usually better than two. Likewise, five is always better than zero.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took the lead for good with 93 laps left and held of Kyle Busch to win the Sylvania 300, his second consecutive win. He leads Busch by 14 in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “The No. 20 Toyota was awesome,” Kenseth said. “If anyone needs to size me for a champion’s pair of slacks, I wear a ‘Husky.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second to Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth for the second straight race, this time at New Hampshire. It was Busch’s series-best 13th top 5 of the year, and he trails Kenseth by 14 in the points standings.

    “In the JGR ‘1-2 Punch,’” Busch said, “I must be the ‘2.’ Joe Gibbs brings the ‘punch’ to the Chase. Michael Waltrip brings the ‘punchline.’”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took fourth at Loudon, and remained within striking distance of Matt Kenseth in the points standings. Johnson is third, 18 behind Kenseth.

    “Matt won the traditional lobster claws trophy for the victory,” Johnson said. “His two victories to start the Chase, however, have everyone else in a ‘pinch.’”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished ninth in the Sylvania 300, his 14th top 10 of the year. He is fourth in the points standings, 36 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “It looks like Matt Kenseth is the man to beat,” Edwards said. “And I used to be the man to do it.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a disappointing 20th at New Hampshire on a day dominated by Joe Gibbs Racing. He is now sixth in the points standings, a distant 39 out of first.

    “Did you hear?” Harvick said. “Danica Patrick will be hosting the American Country Awards in Las Vegas on December 10th. One thing is for sure—she won’t be winning anything.”

    6. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished third in the Sylvania 300, posting his best finish since a win at Michigan in June. He is fifth in the points standings, 38 out of first.

    “The Richmond scandal is still casting a dark shadow over NASCAR,” Biffle said. “I know there’s one on the front of my car, but the real ‘splitters’ are Michael Waltrip Racing sponsors.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took 17th in the Sylvania 300. He fell to tenth in the points standings and trails Matt Kenseth by 48.

    “NAPA dropped sponsorship of Michael Waltrip Racing,” Bowyer said. “It’s no longer ‘NAPA Know-How;’ it’s ‘NAPA No More.’

    “Now 5-Hour Energy may be ending their sponsorship. If MWR loses any more sponsors, out cars will be drawing ‘blank’ stares next year.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th as bother Kyle took the runner-up spot, while Matt Kenseth won his second Chase race. Kurt is seventh in the points standings, 40 out of first.

    “We’re the only single-car team in the Chase,” Busch said. “But really, who needs teammates? That’s not me talking; that’s a quote from Tony Stewart, right after I decided to join Stewart-Haas.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman started on the pole at New Hampshire and led two laps before handling issues led to a 16th-place finish. He is ninth in the points standings, 47 out of first.

    “I set a record for speed in qualifying,” Newman said, “with a lap of 136.497 miles per hour. That’s one of the reasons they call me ‘Rocketman.’ The other reason: because with me, there will be a re-entry.”

    10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt posted his 16th top-10 result of the year with a sixth at New Hampshire. He trails Matt Kenseth by 62 in the points standings.

    “You could say I’m a long shot to win the Sprint Cup title,” Earnhardt said. “And that’s okay with the people of Junior Nation, because they like any shot.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth passed Kyle Busch on a restart with 27 laps to go and held on to win the rain-delayed Geico 400 at Chicagoland. Kenseth leads Busch by eight points in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “That was what you call an uneventful win,” Kenseth said. “Unlike incriminating radio chatter, I do things quietly.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led 40 laps at Chicagoland and came home fifth in the Geico 400. He is third in the points standings, 11 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “We survived a broken jack in the pits,” Johnson said. “That left us with a hill to climb, a hill known as ‘Broke Jack Mountain.’

    “Right now, Kenseth has the upper hand, which makes him vulnerable, because it’s a position to which he’s not accustomed. Just the saying of the words ‘upper hand’ makes Matt cower and keep an eye peeled for Carl Edwards.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second to teammate Matt Kenseth as Joe Gibbs Racing took the top 2 spots at Chicagoland. Busch is second in the points standings, eight behind Kenseth.

    “After winning the Trucks and Nationwide races,” Busch said, “I just missed the Chicagoland sweep. I did two burnouts during the weekend, and that surprised a lot of people, because many are expecting a ‘flame-out.’

    “I nearly fell out of my truck during my victory burnout after my Trucks win on Friday night. It’s one thing to get thrown out of a truck; it’s another to get thrown out of the Chase.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 11th at Chicagoland, just missing out on his 14th top 10 of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 23 out of first.

    “Sunday’s race was sponsored by Geico,” Edwards said. “Much like Aflac, they are an insurance firm that covers accidents. And that explains why Clint Bowyer is sponsored by neither.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third in the Geico 400 on a long, rainy day in Joliet, Illinois. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 15 out of first.

    “Such scandalous behavior in NASCAR,” Harvick said. “Jeff Burton would be appalled, and he’d tell you that, if only someone would interview him.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished ninth at Chicagoland, posting his 14th top 10 of the year. He is eighth in the points standings, 28 out of first.

    “It was quite a week for me,” Bowyer said. “I was in front of cameras so much, I felt like an actor. I’m not dumb, I just play it on television.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth for Furniture Row Racing, the only single-car team in the Chase For The Cup. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 23 out of first.

    “Did you see Junior’s engine let go?” Busch said. “There was ‘fire’ and ‘Smoke,” which sounds an awful lot like the Ryan Newman situation at Stewart-Haas Racing.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman, who was added to the Chase field earlier in the week, finished 10th in the Geico 400.

    “I’m just happy that NASCAR did the right thing and added me to the field,” Newman said. “I believe NASCAR may have been the only one to do the right thing at Richmond.”

    9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon battled back from a lap down to pull out a sixth-place finish at Chicagoland, a solid start to the Chase for the four-time champion. He moved up to seventh in the points standings, 24 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “I was a late entry into the Chase field,” Gordon said, “courtesy of NASCAR in the wake if the Clint Bowyer scandal. It was my first ‘win’ of the year.

    “Now, I think Joey Logano got what was coming to him with the engine failure. Incidentally, Logano is a big Game Show Network fan. Incidentally, his favorite shows are Let’s Make A Deal and The Price Is Right.”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Chicagoland and finished 37th after his engine failed with 91 laps to go at Chicagoland. He is now 12th in the points standings, 52 behind Matt Kenseth.

    “Some would say I deserved engine failure,” Logano said. “I guess they would call that ‘bad car-ma.’ But hopefully, fans won’t define me by this deal-making that took place at Richmond. In other words, I hope they’ll ‘give me a pass.’”