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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished sixth at Richmond, his 13th top-10 result of the year, and will start the Chase For The Cup as the top seed.

    “Ten weeks from now,” Kenseth said, “I could be holding the Sprint Cup championship trophy. Hopefully, I won’t have to hand it to the champion.

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 40th in the Federated Auto Parts 400 and has now finished 28th or worse in the last four races. He will start the Chase seeded second, three points behind Matt Kenseth.

    “You’ll have to forgive me if I seem a little distracted,” Johnson said. “My wife and I just welcomed our second daughter. Finally, I have a good excuse for a crappy finish.

    “Now, that makes two girls who know who their daddy is. Now, I need to convince 11 drivers of the same thing.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 19th at Richmond, and will start the Chase seeded second, three points behind Matt Kenseth. Kyle’s brother Kurt also qualified for the Chase, and will start 15 points out of the lead.

    “I’ve got a brother in the Chase,” Busch said. “Clint Bowyer’s got a ‘homey’ in the Chase.

    “NASCAR is investigating Bowyer’s ‘spin.’ Was it an accident, or was it ‘Clin-tentional?’

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards nabbed his second win of the year, leading 46 laps on his way to the win in the Federated Auto Parts 400. His second win of the year gave him the fourth seed in the Chase, nine points behind Matt Kenseth.

    “I guess I have to thank Clint Bowyer for spinning,” Edwards said. “It probably cost Ryan Newman the race. Apparently, Tony Stewart isn’t the only driver who’s screwed Newman this year.

    “I ‘flipped off’ my car after the race. Newman and Jeff Gordon ‘flipped off’ Bowyer.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 22nd at Richmond, one lap down, as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski failed to qualify for the Chase. Logano will start the Chase seeded sixth, 12 points out of the lead.

    “It’s too bad about Brad,” Logano said. “I relayed my sentiments on Twitter to @sucks. But Brad is a great teammate. I’m not sure he’d spin for my sake, but he did pick me to win the Sprint Cup. Hopefully, it won’t be the Kes’ of death.

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 11th at Richmond as Richard Childress teammate Paul Menard finished fifth. Harvick will start the Chase seeded fourth, nine points out of first.

    “I’m the only RCR driver in the Chase,” Harvick said. “And no Clint Bowyer spin, intentional or otherwise, could have changed that.”

    7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 13th at Richmond, failing in his last chance to win before the Chase For The Cup. Earnhardt will head to Chicagoland tied for the bottom seed in the Chase.

    “On the bright side,” Earnhardt said, “Time Warner Cable will sponsor my car for five races. Of course, a lot of satellite users may have a point when they say, ‘You can’t win with cable.’ My fans have been waiting a long time to say, ‘It’s about ‘Time.’’ Unfortunately, it’s got nothing to do with my first win in a long time.

    8. Clint Bowyer: With Ryan Newman leading with six laps to go, Bowyer mysteriously spun, and the ensuing chain of events enabled Bowyer’s Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Martin Truex, Jr. to make the Chase field.

    “Many want to know if my arm is hurting,” Bowyer said. “The answer is ‘yes.’ My arm is hurting, because Truex won’t stop shaking my hand.”

    9. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 12th at Richmond as Roush Fenway teammate Carl Edwards took the win. Biffle will start the Chase sixth, 12 points behind top seed Matt Kenseth.

    “I may be the least-talked about Chaser,” Biffle said, “but I think I can it all. My gas man seems to agree, because even he calls me ‘silent but deadly.’”

    10. (tie) Kurt Busch: Busch led 73 laps and finished second at Richmond to sew up a spot in the Chase For The Cup. He will start eighth in the Chase, 12 points out of first.

    “NASCAR is investigating Clint Bowyer’s fishy spin,” Busch said. “Was it a case of team orders? I know all about team orders—that seems to be how I got my job with Stewart-Haas Racing because Stewart wasn’t too fond of it.”

    10. (tie) Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 14th in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond. He will start eighth in the Chase, 12 points behind top seed Matt Kenseth.

    “I had a pretty good view of Bowyer’s spin,” Kahne said. “He just lost it—-his self-respect, that is.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch took the lead in the pits during the final caution at Atlanta and sped away on the restart to win the AdvoCare 500. It was Busch’s fourth win of the year, tied with Jimmie Johnson and one behind Matt Kenseth.

    “How about Trucks Series driver Max Papis getting slapped by a woman after the race in Ontario on Saturday,” Busch said. “Max is a veteran of open-wheeled racing, and now is a veteran of open-handed slapping. No one was more offended by this than my brother Kurt—he’s no fan of bitch-slapping.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth fell a lap down midway through the Advocare 500 but recovered to finish a solid 12th for Joe Gibbs Racing, as teammate Kyle Busch took the win. Barring a win by Jimmie Johnson or Busch next week in Richmond, Kenseth will be the top seed when the Chase For The Cup begins.

    “We’ll definitely start at the top of the Chase,” Kenseth. “I’m just thrilled to be in it. You know, there are five Chase spots still open, so there will be a lot of clinching at Richmond, particularly among the buttocks of the drivers vying for those five spots.”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 28th at Atlanta, four laps down, after sustaining damage in a restart on lap 32 when Jeff Gordon spun his tires, backing up those behind him. It was Johnson’s third consecutive finish outside the top 28, a situation made more palatable by his four wins this year.

    “I’ve had the same engine problem for the last three weeks,” Johnson said. “It seems to be stuck in reverse. Luckily, I have four wins, because I surely need something to ‘fall back’ on.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer was leading on lap 193 when his engine let go, relegating him to a 39th-place finish in the AdvoCare 500, his worst result of the year.

    “We were running an experimental engine package,” Bowyer said. “I like to call it ‘The Clint Bowyer Experiment.’ That was also the name of my country and western band; unfortunately, it never ‘blew up.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick posted his 13th top-10 finish with a ninth at Atlanta, leading the way for Richard Childress Racing in the Jimmy Johns No. 29 Chevrolet.

    “Most importantly,” Harvick said, “I clinched a spot in the Chase. I was so excited, I called Tony Stewart and said, ‘I’m in!’”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 68 laps at Atlanta, but fell a lap down late and finished 18th, just behind Roush Fenway teammates Greg Biffle and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. in 15th and 16th, respectively.

    “I had a spirited battle with Jeff Gordon for the lead midway through the race,” Edwards said. “I’m not sure why Gordon is so angry. I know his hauler caught on fire on its way to Atlanta, and I know it had to get hot in there. Maybe he’s still ‘steamed.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano’s No. 22 Penske Ford was the dominant car at Atlanta, leading 78 laps, but lost the lead in the pits during the final caution. With only 12 laps to catch Kyle Busch in the lead, Logano fell short and settled for second.

    “It was a good day for me,” Logano said, “but not a good one for my teammate Brad Keselowski. He lost two cylinders, three if you count the Sprint ‘Cup’ as a cylinder.”

    8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished eighth in the AdvoCare 500, posting his 14th top-10 result of the year. Still winless on the season, Earnhardt looks for a final chance for victory at Richmond.

    “It’s crunch time for me at Richmond,” Earnhardt said, “therefore a great time for Nestle to pay me for an endorsement. Now, I need to finish 32nd or better to clinch a spot in the Chase. Luckily, I don’t need a victory to qualify for the Chase. ‘IN’ is practically the same as ‘WIN,’ it just lacks a ‘W,’ just like me.”

    9. Martin Truex, Jr.: Driving with a broken wrist sustained last week at Bristol, Truex battled his way to a third in the AdvoCare 500. He is 13th in the points standings and currently holds one of the two wildcard spots for the Chase.

    “My cast melted during the race,” Truex said. “And if things don’t go right for me at Richmond, I could be a ‘cast off’ from the Chase.”

    10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 36th at Atlanta after traffic backed up on a lap 32 restart, damaging the No. 5 Farmers Insurance Chevy. He has clinched at least a wildcard spot in the Chase, and looks to better his seeding with a win in Richmond.

    “I’m not sure what I’d do if I was slapped by a woman,” Kahne said. “I’m sure my decision would be made easier were she wearing leather and chains, though. Like most drivers who want to be the best, I’m into domination.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led the final 125 laps and held off Kasey Kahne to win the Irwin Tools Night Race at Bristol, his series-best fifth win of the year. If the Chase For The Cup started this week, Kenseth would be the top seed.

    “That’s three times Kahne’s finished second to me this year,” Kenseth said. “I can totally relate to Kasey feeling like a bridesmaid—Carl Edwards used to make me feel like a woman all the time.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson hit the spinning No. 83 car of David Reutimann, damaging the No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet. Johnson finished 60 laps down in 36th as Matt Kenseth took the win.

    “I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Johnson said. “And I seem to really know where that place is lately.

    “Just like that, my points lead has gone from 75 to 18. Of course, it didn’t help when I plowed into Reutimann. And that reminds of what the farmer said to the farmhand who left early: ‘Come back to the field.’”

    3. Kasey Kahne: Kahne chased Matt Kenseth down the stretch at Bristol but could never make a successful pass, settling for second in the Irwin Tools Night Race. It was the third time this year Kahne has finished second to Kenseth.

    “The concensus is that Kenseth is the biggest challenge to Jimmie Johnson for this year’s Cup,” Kahne said. “And I ‘second’ that. Apparently, Kenseth has my number. And it’s ‘2.’”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led 50 laps at Bristol but contact with a lapped car caused a spin that sent him right into the path of Bobby Labonte’s No. 47. After working his way back to the front, Bowyer ran out of fuel on the final lap and finished 14th. Although still winless on the year, he is second in the points standings, 18 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “That’s what you call a ‘run’ of bad luck,” Bowyer said.

    “Despite my troubles, I still clinched a spot in the Chase. But it gets better. I’ll likely be the first to clinch the last spot, as well.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch started 43rd at Bristol and survived a brush with the wall to finish 10th, his 14th top-10 result of the year. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 82 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “It was an eventful day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “Matt Kenseth held off Kasey Kahne, and Denny Hamlin told off Kevin Harvick.

    “My brother Kurt just signed to drive for Stewart-Haas Racing next year. He’ll team with Tony Stewart, Kevin Harvick, and Danica Patrick to form the most ornery racing team in history.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards’ engine gave way while he was leading on lap 387 at Bristol, relegating him to a 39th in the Irwin Tools Night Race. Instead of the chance to compete for his second win this year, Edwards suffered his worst finish of the year.

    “It’s official,” Edwards said. “Kurt Busch has signed to drive for Stewart-Haas Racing in 2014. I’m not sure of the financials of the deal, but word around the campfire is that Busch will be paid hourly. He’ll punch in, and Stewart will punch him out.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s No. 29 Jimmy John’s Chevrolet was collected in a lap 449 wreck triggered when Brian Vickers clipped Denny Hamlin, cutting the No. 11 Toyota’s right front tire and sending it into traffic. Afterwards on pit lane, Hamlin pushed Harvick’s car out of Hamlin’s pit stall, leading to a minor confrontation between the two drivers.

    “It appears that Tony Stewart isn’t the only driver causing me to ‘move,’” Harvick said. “And I though Ryan Newman got ‘pushed out’ in a hurry.

    “I just asked Hamlin what his problem was. He said he had 99 of them, but I wasn’t one.”

    8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: After two consecutive finishes 30th or worse, Earnhardt ground out a tough 10th at Bristol, posting his 13th top 10 of the year. Still, he is winless on the year, and if he doesn’t win in the next two weeks, will find himself at the bottom when the Chase field is set.

    “Hopefully,” Earnhardt said, “the No. 88 Diet Mountain Dew Chevy can find victory in the next two week. You’ve likely seen my commercial featuring the slogan ‘This is how we Dew.’ But, for a driver who hasn’t won all year, ‘This is how we don’t.’”

    9. Joey Logano: Last week’s winner at Michigan, Logano solidified his Chase hopes with a fifth at Bristol. He vaulted three spots from 13th to 10th in the points standing, and leads Brad Keselowski in 11th by four points.

    “I’m poised to make the Chase,” Logano said, “while defending Cup champ Keselowski may be left out. In that case, I could very well be the face of Penske Racing. Either way, it’s not a pretty picture.”

    10. Greg Biffle: Biffle posted his second straight top-10 finish with a ninth in the Irwin Tools Night Race. He improved one spot to ninth in the points standings, and is 17 ahead of 11th place.

    “Bruton Smith gave Danica Patrick a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes,” Biffle said. “As a show of appreciation, Danica gave Bruton a restraining order.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s day ended when his engine blew on lap 55 and he eventually finished 40th, but still maintained a healthy lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. He leads Clint Bowyer by 41.

    “We’re not sure what broke,” Johnson said, “but we tried to repair it. With a nod to all the conspiracy theorists who think NASCAR has handed me five Cups, you could say the ‘fix’ was on.’”

    2. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 5th in the Pure Michigan 400, posting his seventh top-5 result of the year. He trails Jimmie Johnson by 41 in the points standings.

    “How anxious am I to do a victory burnout?” Bowyer asked. “So anxious, I spun on the first lap.”

    3. Kyle Busch: One week after winning at Watkins Glen, Busch finished 31st, three laps down, at Michigan, ending a run of six consecutive races with finishes of 12th or better. He remained fifth in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 107.

    “The handling of the No. 18 Toyota was off all day,” Busch said. “Denny Hamlin and the No. 11 FedEx car were not much better. For those two Joe Gibbs Racing cars, you could say ‘shipping and handling’ was an issue.

    “It’s off to Bristol now, where I’ve won five times. I love Bristol, and not just because the tracks suits my style. It’s the one place where people call me their ‘favorite’ and mean it.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took the runner-up spot at Michigan, recording his best finish since a third at Charlotte in May. He is now fourth in the points standings, 64 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Is Kurt Busch joining Stewart-Haas Racing?” Harvick said. “If he does, the SHR team will consist of Tony Stewart, Danica Patrick, Busch, and myself. I like the makeup of that team, especially the gender balance.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 15th in the Pure Michigan 400, posting the best finish among Joe Gibbs Racing cars. Since winning his fourth race at Kentucky in late June, Kenseth has only two top-10 results.

    “NASCAR’s Facebook page directed viewers to the wrong channel for the race,” Kenseth said. “It appears the rule book isn’t the only thing of NASCAR giving mixed signals.

    “And speaking of Facebook, Carl Edwards is a very active user. It’s just like old times for me, because that son of a gun won’t stop ‘poking’ me.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his 12th top-10 finish of the year with a tenth at Michigan, joining teammate Greg Biffle, who finished ninth, in the top 10. Edwards is now 51 behind Jimmie Johnson in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “Roush Fenway Racing could very well have two drivers in the Chase,” Edwards said. “That’s got to make Jack Roush happy. They call Jack “The Cat In The Hat” because he’s always wearing his trademark Panama hat. And when the Chase For The Cup is all said and done, we might all be wearing some form of headgear. Chances are, though, it won’t be a crown.”

    7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: While leading on lap 136, Earnhardt blew his right front tire and slammed the wall, severely damaging his No. 88 Chevrolet. He eventually finished 36th, 29 laps down, and is now seventh in the points standings, 134 out of first.

    “My car took a hard turn right, directly into the wall,” Earnhardt said. “Usually, the fans of Junior Nation and their conservative political views love anything that’s to the ‘extreme right.’ And my fans, much like my car after the wreck, won’t ‘turn left’ for anything.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne was the top finisher for Hendrick Motorsports, piloting the No. 5 Farmers Insurance Chevrolet to seventh at Michigan while Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. finished 40th and 36th, respectively.

    “Who would have though Tony Stewart and Kurt Busch would be teammates?” Kahne said. “That could happen in 2014, and lead to an interesting situation: Stewart is Busch’s car owner, responsible for getting Busch from race to race. Tony’s never been accused of being slow, but in this case, he’ll really have to haul ‘ass.’”

    9. Joey Logano: Starting from the pole, Logano led 51 laps at Michigan and assumed the lead when Mark Martin ran out of gas with three laps to go. Logano’s win in the Pure Michigan 400 was his first win of the season, and moved him to 13th in the points standings, in sound position to challenge for a wildcard Chase spot.

    “There are some who think Martin will never run out of gas,” Logano said. “So it was a surprise when he did.

    “Martin got the call to drive the No. 14 Stewart-Haas Chevy for Tony Stewart for the remainder of the year. It makes sense that Martin is there for the reinvention of “Smoke;” after all, he was there for the invention of fire.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch overcame a loose lug nut issue that cost him track position before a late dash moved him up to his sixth top-5 finish of the year. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, two points ahead of Greg Biffle in tenth.

    “This was huge for my Chase hopes,” Busch said. “I’m in the top 10 now. There’s a good chance there will be two Busch brothers in the Chase. That’s good news for television ratings, and even better news for the other ten Chasers.

    “There are reports that I have a formal offer to drive a fourth car for Stewart-Haas Racing next year. Tony and I have had our differences over the years, but with this contract, I guess we’ll finally be ‘on the same page.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth at Watkins Glen, posting his series-best 15th top-10 result. His lead in the Sprint Cup point standings is 75 over Clint Bowyer.

    “I envy Kyle Busch,” Johnson said. “He faced three restarts in the final 12 laps and still won the race. The last time I faced three restarts, I didn’t win a single race. In fact, I lost three.

    “But I did officially clinch a spot in the Chase For The Cup. And I’m really intent on winning my sixth Cup title, if for no other reason than to distinguish myself from all the other drivers. As it stands right now, we can all count our championships on one hand.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch held on to the lead through three late restarts and held off Brad Keselowski to win the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, earning his third win of the year. Busch is now fifth in the points standings, 115 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Keselowski was on my tail,” Busch said, “and I kept him there. And Brad surely knows an ‘ass’ when he sees one.”

    3. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished sixth at Watkins Glen, joining Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Martin Truex, Jr. in the top 10. Bowyer is second in the points standings, 75 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Unfortunately,” Bowyer said, “I’m still winless on the season. That first win is proving to be as elusive as Jeff Gordon at Phoenix.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led eight laps and finished 13th at Watkins Glen, He was the top finisher among Richard Childress Racing cars and is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 101 out of first.

    “My future employer Tony Stewart broke his leg in a sprint car accident last week,” Harvick said. “It seems he’s exchanged a clutch for a crutch. A cast is not the only thing I’ve signed for Tony this year. This all reminds of the time when the Winston Cup became the Nextel Cup, because NASCAR’s gone ‘Smoke-less.’”

    5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne was spun during a restart with 11 to go and was subsequently rammed by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Kahne finished 34th, eight laps down, and is 12th in the points standings.

    “The S-turns spelled trouble on several restarts,” Kahne said. “You could say ‘The ‘esses’ hit the fan.’ That left the No. 5 Farmers Insurance car heavily damaged. In other words, it was ‘Kahne and dis-able-d.’”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his best finish since a third at Sonoma with a fourth at Watkins Glen, his seventh top 5 of the year. He is third in the points standings, 80 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “The No. 99 Cheez-It Ford was solid,” Edwards said. “Double thanks for Cheez-It for sponsoring my car as well as the race. Who says NASCAR is a sport just for white crackers? It’s a sport for orange crackers, as well.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth found trouble on a restart with ten laps to go when he got into Marcose Ambrose, who clipped Kasey Kahne, sending the No. 5 Hendrick Chevrolet spinning across the track, where it was slammed by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Kenseth eventually finished 23rd, his second consecutive result outside the top 20.

    “I took out two Hendrick Motorsports cars,” Kenseth said. “That’s one more than Jeff Gordon. Gordon likened Sunday’s race to his going stag at his senior prom—-he took himself out.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: After winning the Nationwide Zippo 200 on Saturday, Keselowski nearly completed the Watkins Glen sweep, taking second in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen on Sunday. The results boosted the defending Cup champ four spots in the point standings to eighth.

    “If I did nothing else,” Keselowski said, “I gave Kyle and the No. 18 M&M’s car a scare. I could smell the fear. Let’s just say his car wasn’t the only place where there was chocolate.

    “But let me just say this: I will win the 2013 championship. I will win the 2013 championship. I know I said that twice, but that may be the closest I come to a ‘repeat.’”

    9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 30th at Watkins Glen after plowing the spinning car of teammate Kasey Kahne with about ten laps to go. Kahne was turned around after contact from Matt Kenseth after one of many late restarts. Earnhardt is now sixth in the points standings, 138 out of first, and still searching for his first win of the year.

    “Sonoma, home of the season’s first road course race, is wine and cheese country,” Earnhardt said. “When you put the fans of Junior Nation in the crowd for the Cheez-It 355, it makes Watkins Glen fortified wine and Cheez country.”

    10. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex battled up front for most of the day at Watkins Glen and finished third, recording his fifth top-5 finish of the year. Truex jumped four spots in the points standings to 10th.

    “Things are ‘looking up’ for Michael Waltrip Racing,” Truex said. “Does that mean a Cup title is in the future for MWR? Not necessarily. It just means Michael Waltrip is tall.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started from the pole at Pocono but found trouble on lap 76 when he cut a tire and hit the wall. Despite the damage, he finished 13th and actually increased his lead in the points standings to 77 over Clint Bowyer.

    “I’ve got a lot of empathy for that tire,” Johnson said, “because we both ‘blow’ victories.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth posted a disappointing 22nd in the GoBowling.com 400 after his No. 20 Husky Chevy was collected in a lap 1 wreck involving Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. and Juan Montoya. Kenseth dropped one spot in the points standings to seventh, 134 out of first.

    “What do you call drivers who cause a wreck on lap 1 of the GoBowling.com 400?” Kenseth said. “Pinheads.”

    3. Kasey Kahne: Kahne zoomed past Jeff Gordon with two laps to go to win the GoBowling.com 400 at Pocono, his second win of the year. Kahne solidified his Chase For The Cup standing and is now eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 160 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Those restarts were nerve-racking,” Kahne said. “As one would expect in the GoBowling.com 400, I was on pins and needles.

    “What a run by the No. 5 Farmers Insurance Chevrolet. It insured victory, and was at a premium. The pit crew made all the right adjustments. As a result, we had the field covered.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch was the top Toyota finisher at Pocono, finishing eighth for his 12th top-10 finish of the year. He is seventh in the points standings, 130 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Normally,” Busch said, “you can find a Toyota in the top 5. Not on Sunday. There were no cars from Japanese automakers there. In other words, there was a case of ‘Oriental hooky’ at Pocono.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt led two laps and finished fifth at Pocono, posting his fifth top-5 result of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 116 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Pocono Raceway is in the vicinity of Pennsylvania Dutch country,” Earnhardt said. “Combine that fact with the smell of a Junior Nation tent after three days in the infield and you’ve got yourself a ‘dutch oven.’”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer remained winless on the year with a 14th at Pocono as Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Martin Truex, Jr. finished close behind in 15th. Bowyer is still second in the point standings and trails Jimmie Johnson by 77.

    “I’m still without a win this year,” Bowyer said. “That could change this Sunday at the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and predict a win. If I’m wrong, I’ll certainly complain about it. That would make Watkins Glen much like Sonoma—whine and Cheez country.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th at Pocono on a topsy-turvy day for Chase front-runners. After a run of nine consecutive top-10 finishes, Harvick has posted finishes outside the top 15 in the last two weeks.

    “How I wish I could have waited until Sunday to announce my departure from Richard Childress Racing,” Harvick said. “What better place than the GoBowling.com 400 to announce a ‘split.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: After winning the Nationwide Series race in Iowa on Saturday, Keselowski took sixth in the GoBowling.com 400 on Sunday. Last year’s Sprint Cup champion holds the 12th spot in the Sprint Cup point standings, four points ahead of Kurt Busch in 13th.

    “There are many that don’t believe I’ll even make the Chase,” Keselowski said. “And there are just as many that believe I will. I’m just glad some people are willing to come to my ‘defense,’ because I may not be.”

    9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon used a late caution to snatch the lead from Kasey Kahne, but after another late caution, Kahne got past Gordon with two to go to win the GoBowling.com 400. Gordon finished second and moved up one spot to 10th in the point standings.

    “Sunday was my 42nd birthday,” Gordon said. “I didn’t exactly have my birthday wishes come true, but I did get a spanking from Kasey.”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 11th at Pocono, one spot behind Roush Fenway teammate Greg Biffle. Edwards is third in the points standings, 84 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Danica Patrick wrecked Travis Kvapil for the second time in three races,” Edwards said. “Let’s not go so hard on Danica. She will be a good driver one day. For now, though, she’s just an accident waiting to ‘happen.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson controlled the Brickyard 400 until a slow pit stop late in the race likely cost him any chance at the win. He finished second behind Ryan Newman and still maintained a healthy led in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “I’m certainly disappointed in the last pit stop,” Johnson said. “But what can you do, short of reciting the Lowe’s motto to my pit crew and tell them to ‘Never stop improving.’

    “They call me ‘5-Time.’ I used to think that was because of my five titles. Now, I think it’s because I’ve lost a race I should have won five times this year.

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fifth in the Brickyard 400, posting his fifth top-5 result of the year. He is sixth in the point standings, 120 out of first.

    “I’m thrilled with the result,” Kenseth said. “After a shaky start to the season, the No. 20 Toyota engines have been quite reliable. This was the 20th running of the Brickyard 400, and I’m happy my 20 was still running.”

    3. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led a lap late on Sunday but had to pit for fuel, resulting in a 20th in the Brickyard 400. He remained second in the point standings, 75 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I’m still searching for my first win,” Bowyer said, “and I’ll do anything to win. That includes sitting on a cushion of hundreds of bottles of 5-Hour Energy at Pocono this Sunday. Maybe a ‘booster seat’ is exactly what I need to win.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a disappointing 19th at Indianapolis, falling victim to fuel mileage that forced a late pit stop for a splash of gas. He remained fourth in the point standings and trails Jimmie Johnson by 92.

    “That may have been the most uneventful race in NASCAR history,” Harvick said. “We may only visit Indianapolis once a year, but this race sure was ‘common place.’

    5. Carl Edwards: Edwards came home 13th at Indianapolis, recording the top finish for Roush Fenway Racing. He is now third in the Sprint Cup point standings, 85 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Johnson has run away with the points lead,” Edwards said. “A lot of people call me ‘Cousin Carl.’ Not Jimmie; he calls me ‘Distant Third Cousin Carl.’”

    6. Kyle Busch: One day after winning the Nationwide Indiana 250 on Saturday, Busch finished tenth in the Brickyard 400 for his 12th top 10 Sprint Cup of the year. He is seventh in the point standings, 130 out of first.

    “Ryan Newman certainly made his presence known at Indianapolis,” Busch said. “You could say the Brickyard 400 was a lot like Juan Montoya’s head—-Newman put his ‘stamp’ on it.”

    “NASCAR has suspended the use of aerial cameras. And speaking of faulty things in high places, Brian France is still the chairman of NASCAR.”

    7. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished third at the Brickyard as Stewart-Haas teammate Ryan Newman captured his first win of the year. Stewart currently holds one of the wildcard spots in the Chase For The Cup standings.

    “What a win by Ryan,” Stewart said. “As drivers with no necks go, he stands head and shoulders above the rest. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Ryan’s earned his keep. It’s too bad I can’t keep him.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished third at Indianapolis, one spot behind Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson, who was searching for his fifth Brickyard win. Kahne is ninth in the point standings, 176 out of first.

    “The race was Jimmie’s until that fateful final pit stop,” Kahne said. “If Kevin Harvick is the ‘Closer,’ then Jimmie must be the ‘Opener,’ because he’s left more doors open than Bruton Smith’s butler.”

    9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished sixth at Indianapolis as Hendrick Motorsports took three of the top six spots at the Brickyard. Earnhardt is fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 124 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Jimmie let another win slip through his fingers,” Earnhardt said. “That’s bad for Jimmie, but perfect for a promotional tie-in with Lowe’s. Whenever Jimmie loses a race he should have won, customers can expect ‘giveaways’ at their local Lowe’s home improvement stores.

    “I’m still looking for sponsors for the last 12 races this season. Usually, it’s not hard to find people willing to pay for my name or image—they’re Junior fans in a tattoo parlor.”

    10. Ryan Newman: With a speedy two-tire pit stop with 30 laps to go, Newman took the lead and held on the win the Brickyard 400. Starting on the pole, Newman won a race-long battle with Jimmie Johnson, who suffered a slow final pit stop that may have cost him the lead.

    “This was a timely win,” Newman said. “I’m an Indiana native who had gone 49 races without a win, so I wanted it badly, and so did my home fans. Before the race, you could have said, ‘This native’s restless.’”

    “Does Tony Stewart regret letting me go from Stewart-Hass Racing? Maybe. I don’t fault Tony. It was a business decision, one that an owner like Tony has to make sometimes. It’s like they say, ‘Where there’s Smoke, there’s fired.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth at Loudon as Brian Vickers was the surprise winner in the Camping World RV Sales 301. Johnson qualified second, but started last after failing post-qualifying inspection.

    “According to NASCAR,” Johnson said, “the front-end of the No. 48 was too low, so I was disqualified. You could say it was a ‘front-end suspension.’

    “We dug ourselves a hole with the disqualification. But Chad Knaus is a master of digging out of holes, and even better getting out of those filled with hot water.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth at New Hampshire, posting his tenth top-10 result of the year. He is now sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 120 out of first.

    “What an amazing run by Brian Vickers,” Kenseth said. “What’s even more amazing? Not only did Vickers’ car pass inspection, he passed inspection.”

    3. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took 13th as Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Brian Vickers won the Camping World RV Sales 301. Bowyer moved up one spot in the point standings to second, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 56.

    “It was a banner day for MWR,” Bowyer said. “Unfortunately, Michael Waltrip couldn’t be here to see it. He was in England at the Goodwood Festival Of Speed. Some might say that for just a few days, Michael was the ‘Queen Of England.’”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick registered his ninth consecutive top-10 finish with a seventh at New Hampshire, while Richard Childress Racing teammate Jeff Burton finished a season-best third. Harvick is now fourth in the point standings, 74 out of first.

    “Ryan Newman is not returning to Stewart-Haas Racing next year,” Harvick said. “So, according to Kyle Busch, Newman is saying ‘ogre and out’ to Stewart-Haas, and I’ll fill his spot. It’s a good exchange for Stewart; as for an ‘ogre,’ I’ve been called worse. As for Newman, I’ve been called better.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch led 53 laps at Loudon but was overtaken late by Brian Vickers, who held on to win the Camping World RV Sales 301. Busch’s runner-up finish was his fourth top-5 result in the last seven races.

    “The Busch brothers have declared all-out war on Ryan Newman,” Busch said. “I called Newman the ‘biggest, stupid idiot,’ which is almost as bad as calling someone the “stupidest, big idiot.’ But make no mistake. My brother and I don’t back down from fights, we just lose them.

    “I’m sure Newman will come looking for me now. But tell him not to bother; I’m not hiring.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth in the Camping World RV Sales 301 at Loudon. He is third in the point standings, 73 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Danica Patrick turned down an offer to pose nude in ESPN’s ‘Body’ issue,” Edwards said. “I understand she replied to ESPN’s request by saying ‘No GoDaddy.’

    “Once again, we’re getting worked up about Danica for nothing. What has she done in NASCAR? Not much. Maybe she should concentrate on appearing in ESPN’s ‘Somebody’ issue first.”

    7. Tony Stewart: Stewart’s fuel mileage gamble fell short, costing him a sure top-10 finish at New Hampshire. He fell all the way to 26th, and tumbled out of the top 10 in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “Danica Patrick won’t get naked,” Stewart said, “but my gas tank sure will, because it petered out.”

    “But how about Morgan Shepherd? At 71, he became the oldest driver to start a NASCAR race. In doing so, he’s redefined ‘late model’ racing.”

    8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th in the Camping World RV Sales 301, the lowest finish among Hendrick Motorsports drivers. He remained in fifth in the point standings, 118 out of first.

    “I can appreciate a good RV,” Earnhardt said. “Some of my fans travel to races in them; the others live in them.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski edged Jimmie Johnson for the pole at Loudon and finished fourth, ending a string of five finishes outside the top 10. The defending Sprint Cup champion moved up four spots in the point standings to ninth, 167 out of first.

    “It’s good to be up front,” Keselowski said. “It keeps fans and sponsors alike happy. With fans, it’s a matter of ‘What have you done for me lately?’ With sponsors, one in particular, it’s a case of ‘What have you done for me Lite-ly?’”

    10. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 15th in the Camping World RV Sales 301. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 151 out of first.

    “It was not a great day for us,” Biffle said, “nor was it one for Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. He was wrecked by his girlfriend, Danica Patrick. Word is she was fully-clothed when he rebuffed her.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was dominant at Daytona and held on after several late restarts to win the Coke Zero 400. Johnson became the first driver to sweep both Daytona races since Bobby Allison in 1982.

    “I did something Allison did at Daytona,” Johnson said, “but instead of Cale Yarborough, I punched the accelerator. Just call it a 2.5 milestone.

    “I’ve apparently overcome my problems with restarts. Now I know that if you can’t restart, you can’t finish.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth’s race ended on lap 149 when he swerved to avoid Denny Hamlin’s spinning No. 11 only to be hammered by Jeff Gordon’s No. 24. Kenseth finished 33rd and fell one spot to sixth in the point standings, 118 out of first.

    “I’m not sure what caused Hamlin to spin,” Kenseth said, “but he’s seen more walls than China. What’s Hamlin’s favorite concept album? Pink Floyd’s The Wall. His favorite Clint Eastwood movie? Sudden Impact. His favorite mixed drink? A Harvey Wallbanger.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick seemed to be primed for a late flourish at Daytona, lined up with Tony Stewart with race leader Jimmie Johnson in his sights. However, late cautions prevented Harvick from challenging, and he settled for third in the Coke Zero 400.

    “One would think more restarts would be to Johnson’s disadvantage,” Harvick said. “However, much like he did to my No. 29 car, he put his problems with restarts behind him.

    “Johnson’s car was just too strong. The No. 48 Lowe’s Chevy seemed to have an extra gear. And judging by his lead in the points, I can understand why Johnson calls it ‘sixth.’”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer charged late at Daytona to take fourth in the Coke Zero 400, earning his seventh top-5 result of the year. He assumed second in the point standings, only 49 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Several cars, all three Michael Waltrip Racing cars included, “Bowyer said, “failed inspection last Thursday for having illegal roof flaps. You could say NASCAR ‘razed’ the roof.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch survived two crashes, one on lap 98 and one on the final lap, to salvage a 12th at Daytona. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings, 125 out of first.

    “After that first wreck,” Busch said, “my car was held together with duct tapes and prayers, much like A.J. Allmendinger’s career.

    “Shaquille O’Neal, Adam Sandler, and Kevin James gave the command to ‘start your engines. I ‘acted’ excited, which probably makes me more of an actor than either one of them.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished eighth at Daytona but was never a factor to win at one of his favorite tracks. He improved one spot in the point standings to fifth, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 110.

    “How about that post-race fireworks show?” Earnhardt said. “It was awesome! And speaking of things that were ‘lit’ in the infield on Saturday, the fans of Junior Nation were in rare form. They are the most patriotic fans in NASCAR; not only do they show ‘spirit,’ they drink it.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards was snagged in a final-lap pileup at Daytona and finished a disappointing 29th, the lowest finish among Roush Fenway Racing drivers. Edwards is now third in the Sprint Cup point standings, 71 out of first.

    “The No. 99 Subway Ford just got tore up at the end,” Edwards said. “And speaking of Subway, they missed a heck of an opportunity to promote the World War Z movie. Zombies and Subway? That’s ready-made for a ‘Subway-Eat Flesh’ advertising campaign.”

    8. Tony Stewart: Stewart’s late run to the front resulted in the runner-up finish at Daytona, a result that shot him up six places in the point standings and into the top 10. He is tenth in the standings, nine ahead of Kasey Kahne in 12th.

    “Kurt Busch and I made huge strides to enter the top 10 of the point standings,” Stewart said. “And that’s reason to celebrate. Kurt and I high-fived; I missed, and hit Kurt in the face.”

    9. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 17th at Daytona after getting caught in a late-race accident on the 2.5 mile circuit. He is now eighth in the point standings, 142 out of first.

    “I’m disappointed,” Biffle said, “but encouraged that our second trip to Pocono is less than one month away. That race will be called the ‘GoBowling.com 400.’ I’m guessing there will be a lot of spare tires there. Who talked the sport of bowling into sponsoring a stock car race? I’d pin it on the NASCAR marketing department. Groan if you must, but it takes big balls to find the nerve to offer such bad jokes.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch was strong all night at Daytona, racing to a sixth in the No. 78 Furniture Row Chevrolet. Busch moved up five places to ninth in the point standings, 157 out of first.

    “Five places is a big leap in the standings,” Busch said. “I guess I was feeling froggy, and for once, it seems, I jumped.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth’s gamble to take no tires during pits stops on the final caution paid off handsomely, as he collected his fourth win of the year with a win at Kentucky. He is now fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 82 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “We took the lead in the pits,” Kenseth said. “That’s become something in which we specialize—winning without passing; only this time, it’s got nothing to do with an inspection.

    “The No. 20 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota was strong in clean air. And the state of Kentucky offers an abundance of it, except at the Mayfield compound, where the air is a thick as the heads.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s spin while leading on the race’s final restart likely cost him the win, as he finished ninth after charging back from 25th. It was the latest in a rash of faulty restarts that may have cost him two wins.

    “Apparently,” Johnson said, “I’ve got a mental block when it comes to restarts. That makes me mentally restarted.

    “But I’m not worried. My resume speaks for itself. Not only do I ‘fall back’ on restarts, I fall back on five Sprint Cup championships.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th in the Quaker State 400 at Kentucky, posting his ninth top-10 finish of the season. He is fourth in the point standings, 66 out of first.

    “I’m well within striking distance,” Harvick said. “I would say I’m ‘right where I want to be,’ but that would be false, because I’m still with Richard Childress Racing.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted a 21st in the Quaker State 400, leading 35 laps before becoming mired in traffic and fading towards the end. Edwards remained second in the Sprint Cup point standings and trails Jimmie Johnson by 38.

    “The No. 99 Ford was sporting UPS sponsorship on Sunday,” Edwards said. “Unfortunately, it drove like a big, brown truck in the last 30 laps.

    “Congratulations are in order for Matt Kenseth. His four wins this year prove that he can run away from the field just as well as he can run away from me.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: After starting on the pole, Earnhardt’s No. 88 Chevy was damaged by the remnants of Denny Hamlin’s blown tire on lap 38. Earnhardt spent much of the next 100 laps in and out of the pits for repairs, and eventually finished 12th.

    “We made ‘something out of nothing,’” Earnhardt said. “The people of Junior Nation have a wealth of experience in making ‘something out of nothing,’ because they are still able to get excited about what is sure to be another Cup-less season.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished third at Kentucky, posting his sixth top-5 result of the year. He is third in the Sprint Cup point standings and still in search of his first win of the season.

    “A win this season has been as elusive as Jeff Gordon last year at Phoenix,” Bowyer said. “The wins will come. We’ve been solid all year. In fact, I’ve only got one DNF this year, so, for the most part, I’ve been much like Gordon—still running.”

    “On another note, Kyle Petty said Danica Patrick was not a ‘race car driver. Danica responded by saying she is a woman and a driver. Likewise, she said Petty can also be two things at once—a son of a ‘King’ and a son of a bitch.”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch recovered from an early spin to finish fifth in the Quaker State 400, his eighth top 5 of the year. He is now seventh in the point standings, 110 out of first.

    “Kentucky’s John Calipari drove the pace car for Sunday’s race,” Busch said. “I think he completed only one lap and then called it quits, thus another ‘one and done’ in Kentucky.”

    8. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex backed up his win at Sonoma with a seventh in the Quaker State 400. The result boosted him two places in the point standings to eighth, 120 out of first.

    “A win at Sonoma followed by a top 10 at Kentucky,” Truex said. “That’s like going from wine to whiskey without missing a beat, something that NASCAR great Tim Richmond probably did better than anyone.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s day ended early at Kentucky when Kurt Busch’s No. 78 car slid up and into the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge on lap 151. Keselowski’s spinning car collected Greg Biffle’s No. 16, essentially ending the day for both cars. Keselowski was credited with a 33rd-place finish and tumbled four spots in the point standings.

    “Busch may drive the Furniture Row car,” Keselowski said, “but there’s no ‘couching’ his recklessness. I’m sure there are many other drivers who would agree with me, enough to form a committee, in fact, of which I’d happily ‘chair.’ With that being said, what’s more likely? Furniture Row making a ‘chaise,’ or me making the ‘Chase?’”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at Kentucky, posting his fifth top-5 result of the year. He is tenth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 131 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Penske Racing drivers are earning a reputation of running others out of the Chase,” Logano said. “I ran Denny Hamlin out, and Brad Keselowski is running himself out.”